Vanguard Turel Sorenn vs. Warrior Abadeer Taasii

Vanguard Turel Sorenn

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Seeker, Sentinel
vs.

Warrior Abadeer Taasii

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Togruta, Sith, Marauder
Comment

Abadeer, your posts were decent and you did a good job of using the character sheets for the most part. It also looks like you made efforts to get your posts proofed as well. Unfortunately, a few things overall held you back. Syntax aside, Story and Realism killed you. On the realism front, you need to pay extra attention to what a Jedi can and can not do according to their character sheet. On the story front, you broke the 'sabers must touch' rule in post one, and the reader was never provided with a 'why' behind the fight. As first poster, this is a big advantage you need to execute on for the next time you get first post. I would also advise you take a look at the Illusion comments as they tripped you up a bit. Overall, I think you wrote a decent fight, and I liked how you pulled in some of your character's backstory. I look forward to your future matches.

Turel, you did a great job of using the character sheets and you hit a grand slam with punishing the plot hole left by Abadeer in his first post. Your story did lack some punch unfortunately and the syntax was a little sad, but overall I enjoyed both of your posts. You also included some of your character's backstory, which was very nice.

With the scores tallied, the clear winner is Turel Sorenn. This is a good example of how important Realism and Story is to your score.

Till next time!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Vanguard Turel Sorenn, Warrior Abadeer Taasii
Winner Vanguard Turel Sorenn
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Vanguard Turel Sorenn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warrior Abadeer Taasii's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Chute Town
Last Post 23 February, 2017 11:39 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Champion Rajhin Cindertail Abadeer Taasii
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Your posts really needed an extra set of eyes to catch some of the easier to spot mistakes. There were a number of grammar and syntax mistakes that were distracting enough during the grading process to bring this down to a three. Rationale: Besides an extra set of eyes to catch some of the easier to spot mistakes, there were some repetition issues. In particular, you used ‘hooded man’ and ‘man’ almost exclusively through the entire first post. This made things hard to read, and I highly suggest that you mix things up. Use their ranks, class, Force affiliation, hair color, or anything else you can think of to make it easier for the judge. A final syntax reminder, just remember to separate thoughts off with a comma.
Story - 40%
Champion Rajhin Cindertail Abadeer Taasii
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: You elevated your story well by filling the plot hole left by your opponent, using the character sheets well, and using your Illusion for both practical and humorous purposes. Unfortunately, your story did not evoke any strong emotions. I saw some foreshadowing in there, but the ending post didn't have enough of an impact for me to justify this as a five. There was no true emotional response. Rationale: You made good use of the character sheets, but there were a few detractors that kept this from becoming a four. Specifically, you wrote Illusion without giving the reader any tells that it was happening. Illusion as a **bam, surprise!** is not a very good story. As a reader, I got lost and that is never a good thing. In addition, your first post had no fighting between Turel and Abadeer, which is a not good in the duelist's hall. Lastly, you did a good job building up some suspense but you gave no ‘why’ to it. All I know is that at the end of your first post all we had from an action/story perspective was that you had an NPC die who was working for you. This leaves a plot hole that can be taken advantage of by your opponent. It also weakened the suspense that you built up.
Realism - 25%
Champion Rajhin Cindertail Abadeer Taasii
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: You had one major realism issue that brought this down immediately to a three. Namely, a Jedi doesn't just kill in cold blood unless the character sheet provides you a very good reason. Per Turel's sheet, he would kill someone if it could save countless others doing so or the NPC was harming or exploiting the innocent. You don’t write it as either case and therefore this is a major realism hit since you don’t stay true to Turel's character sheet. When writing a Jedi, you need to pay close attention to the rare instances when they will actually commit murder.
Continuity - 20%
Champion Rajhin Cindertail Abadeer Taasii
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Champion Rajhin Cindertail's Score: 4.3 Abadeer Taasii's Score: 3.4
Posts

Matron_ChuteTown

The Godless Matron is home to many, resembling a micro-society for those who wish to live outside the typical 'rule' of the galaxy. The Lucrehulk-class battleship's massive hangars have been converted into dwellings as a result. Chute Town is the most notable of these makeshift towns. Many shops and storefronts have been constructed to take advantage of the higher volume of foot traffic. In addition, many ships and crews arrive into Chute Town to sell their "well-earned" commodities, weapons, or artifacts. It is commonplace to find the best and the worst gear the galaxy has to offer, it is only a matter of how big your pocket book is. The 'streets' are patrolled regularly by the crew of the Matron itself, leaving would-be miscreants to be more wary, lest they find themselves on the receiving end of a pirate's sense of justice.

It is built mostly out of spare durasteel panels from derelict ships, dismantled machinery, or any other source or material the pirates could scavenge. It spans the length of the massive portside hangar of the Matron, reaching from it's heavily protected reactor — hidden behind triple-reinforced blast doors and a guard retinue — all the way to the hangar entrance where the many incoming ships unload their cargo. It is more than a mile long, over five hundred feet wide and up to three stories tall, covering most of the floor. Chute Town's streets are a miniature maze, weaving in between buildings on several levels. Verticality is key for the masses of shops and bars to operate without interfering with one another. The main street is nicknamed Murder alley, mostly because all the weapon shops are prominently opened there.

Matron_HangarZerek

Illumination banks are staggered along the walkways and buildings to provide enough light for the society to function. Still, the 'streets' are left dim with a low hanging fog built up from the collective humidity of so many people in one space. For those calling it their home, there is no such thing as 'off hours'. A large crowd bustles along at all hours, an exotic assortment of individuals from countless planets and the warring gangs that divvy up the territory within. It's the perfect place for those looking to disappear in the crowd.

Chute town was particularly crowded, the noise from the streets was almost tangible. There was a light vapor in the air from the exhaust ports of the Matron in this sector, but not quite enough to reduce visibility. All kinds of dubious transactions were going on in Murder Alley, from illegal arms trade to smuggling and beyond. A small, unassuming man in dark clothes had an easy time blending into this crowd. He walked down the alley, stopping occasionally to look at various stalls and vendors. After a few minutes of walking down the street, the man stopped at a corner that had significantly fewer shops than most of the rest of the crowded street.

The man pulled out a small box as he leaned up against the wall. He pulled a small cylinder out of the box, putting it up to his mouth, and began to smoke. Only another minute or two passed before dark silhouette began advancing towards the man from the corner behind him. As the figure stepped forward, the lights of the alley began to reveal more and more. He was dressed in slim-fitting, dark attire that covered any distinguishing features. The hood and mask of the outfit were pulled up all the way, making it very difficult in the dim light to see anything of the man’s face.

“Care for a smoke?” said the man leaning against the corner. He offered the small box to the hooded man while continuing to smoke.

“Don’t mind if I do.” The hooded man reached for the box, taking it into his own hands. He opened the clasp, and slowly opened the lid to look inside.

“Why don’t you keep it? I’m trying to kick the habit anyway. These are nice, exported all the way from Aliso.” the first man said between long pulls on his smoke.

“Cheers friend. You can’t find things like this very often. I’ll keep good care of them.” The hooded man slipped the box away into an unseen pocket on the inside of his attire.

“And maybe you have something for me in return?” asked the man on the wall. He looked up from his smoke for the first time in the exchange, to peer at the man he did business with. His eyes widened just slightly, as though what he saw was not what he expected.

“Of course, I think I’ve got it right here.” The hooded man reached down to his waist, and in a lightning fast move pulled out a small pistol, pressing it right to the chest of his shocked associate. Right before pulling the trigger, the man removed his hood, and looked across the alley and threw a sarcastic wink. The pistol fire was muffled, but still distinctive. The man on the wall crumpled to a heap on the floor, his life blood already pooling on the ground around him.

Across the alley at a small food establishment, a tall and horned figure stood suddenly. He couldn’t rise quick enough to change what had happened across the street, though. He watched in shock as his agent was gunned down. The horned man jumped over his table and rushed towards the corner, now pursuing the man in the mask. The Togruta stopped only for a moment at the wall to throw a glance at the man who lay dying in the street.

“Abadeer, my lord. Help me.” gasped the small man, reaching his head up.

“It’s too late for that now. You have failed.” Abadeer replied, before continuing his pursuit down the darkened alley.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 4 March, 2017 1:25 AM UTC

Syntax

Repetition issue here. Too many uses of boxes in one short stretch. Try using more synonyms such as carton or pack. In addition, there is a lot of ‘hooded man’ and ‘man’. Try mixing it up with colors or something, such as blue-eyed guy or tanned man.

The man pulled out a small box as he leaned up against the wall. He pulled a small cylinder out of the box, putting it up to his mouth, and began to smoke. “Care for a smoke?” said the man leaning against the corner. He offered the small box to the hooded man while continuing to smoke.

“Don’t mind if I do.” The hooded man reached for the box, taking it into his own hands. He opened the clasp, and slowly opened the lid to look inside.

You were missing an ‘a’ before dark silhouette.

Only another minute or two passed before [a] dark silhouette began advancing towards the man from the corner behind him.

Given the sentence you put after the quotes, a comma is required instead of a period.

These are nice, exported all the way from Aliso[,]” the first man said between long pulls on his smoke.

“Abadeer, my lord. Help me[,]” gasped the small man, reaching his head up.

Use commas to set off a term of endearment.

Cheers[,] friend.

Unnecessary comma. It breaks up the flow of the action in an awkward way.

He looked up from his smoke for the first time in the exchange, to peer at the man he did business with.

The hooded man reached down to his waist and in a lightning fast move pulled out a small pistol, pressing it right to the chest of his shocked associate.

First off, the comma after 'hood' was unnecessary since the second verb ‘looked’ has no subject. Second, the sentence turns into a run on sentence with all of those X and Y and Z. Putting a simple transition like ‘as he’ fixes the issue.

Right before pulling the trigger, the man removed his hood and looked across the alley [as he] threw a sarcastic wink.

Story

This was a nice use of the venue. Good job.

A small, unassuming man in dark clothes had an easy time blending into this crowd.

I like this a lot. It sets up intrigue and gives the reader a nice dose of mystery.

The hood and mask of the outfit were pulled up all the way, making it very difficult in the dim light to see anything of the man’s face.

“Care for a smoke?” said the man leaning against the corner. He offered the small box to the hooded man while continuing to smoke.

“Don’t mind if I do.” The hooded man reached for the box, taking it into his own hands. He opened the clasp, and slowly opened the lid to look inside.

“Why don’t you keep it? I’m trying to kick the habit anyway. These are nice, exported all the way from Aliso.” the first man said between long pulls on his smoke.

“Cheers friend. You can’t find things like this very often. I’ll keep good care of them.” The hooded man slipped the box away into an unseen pocket on the inside of his attire.

Realism

Turel as a Jedi doesn't just kill in cold blood unless, per CS, he could save countless more doing so or the NPC was harming or exploiting the innocent. You don’t write it as either case and therefore this is a major realism hit since you don’t stay true to Turel’s CS. When writing a Jedi, you need to pay close attention to the rare instances when they will actually commit murder.

“Of course, I think I’ve got it right here.” The hooded man reached down to his waist, and in a lightning fast move pulled out a small pistol, pressing it right to the chest of his shocked associate. Right before pulling the trigger, the man removed his hood, and looked across the alley and threw a sarcastic wink. The pistol fire was muffled, but still distinctive. The man on the wall crumpled to a heap on the floor, his life blood already pooling on the ground around him.

How do people breathe in these masks? Turel pondered as he rounded a corner and slowed to a walk to match the flow of the crowd. The crimson Sith mask he wore had clearly been made for intimidation, not comfort. Still, the stolen artifact was a mark of the Grand Master’s favor and an essential element to his Inquisitor persona. In most “civilized” parts of the galaxy a hooded man in a mask would attract some attention but on Chute Town he passed unnoticed.

Turel took a deep breath and clasped his Sith amulet tight, focusing on the flowing currents of the Force and allowing the Dark Side to permeate from him. The Jedi Sentinel hated touching the Dark Side, it always sent a deep chill down his spine and made him feel cold and weak, like he had fallen into a frozen river. It felt like death compared to warm embrace of the Light Side. The Dark Side also made him feel like a cornered beast; every anxiety, every fear, and every irritation seemed amplified a hundredfold. As much as he hated it, the ability to not only hide his aura in the Force, but alter it completely had proven exceptionally useful.

A Devaronian took notice of the masked man walking beside him and quickly stopped to let the stranger pass. “Damn cultists,” he muttered when he thought Turel was out of earshot. Others began to cast sideways glances at the undercover Sentinel. He ducked off the side into another side alley, quickly scanning his surroundings for places to set up an ambush.

The Jedi felt the distinct Dark Side presence he sensed earlier grow closer. His hasty gamble was paying off. He had spent the better part of a week tracking down Darik Varm through the bowels of Chute Town. Turel felt a twinge of guilt for shooting the man, but it was a necessary evil. Darik had been personally responsible for the deaths of five Sentinel Network agents and when Turel sensed a Dark Side presence nearby when confronting Varm he was certain he’d found the true party responsible for his dead agents. He made a split second decision to lure out the proverbial bigger fish. It wasn’t vengeance, it was to save lives. At least, that’s what he told himself. Everything had happened so fast.


The crimson-skinned Togruta entered the second alley a few moments behind his quarry. Whomever had executed his agent would pay dearly. He had only caught a glimpse of the hooded man before he slinked off into the crowd, not enough to make any sort of identification. He could sense the presence of another Dark Side user trying to slip away into the mazes of Chute Town. This couldn’t be right, the alley he sensed the hooded man in was a dead end. There was only a few sealed doors and smelly dumpsters here. Still, this secluded area was the perfect spot for a surprise attack. He pulled out his lightsabers and held the hilts tight. Abadeer was in the right place, he just needed to strike first when his enemy revealed himself. The Sith Togruta did not have to wait long.

Turel crept behind one of the dumpsters in the back alley. The smell almost made him gag. All the time he had been spending in the posh Sephi palaces of Kiast lately was making him soft. There was a time when such a neighborhood would have been a second home to the ex-gangster. He opponent was within striking distance, it was now or never. What would a Dark Sider do in this situation? The Jedi pondered before reaching across the currents of the Force to touch the stranger’s mind.

Abadeer saw the ambient fog, that filled the entire lower level of Chute Town, turn to black smoke in front of him. The smoke swirled and a dark figure took shape. He heard an ominous voice echo in his mind from nowhere in particular, death walks among you.

The hooded man from before appeared before the Plagueian, only in the dim light of alleyway it was clear he was wearing Chief Inquisitor robes and a Sith mask favored by those who were in Pravus’ inner circle. This certainly complicated matters. The Togruta reflexively ignited his twin sabers.

“You’d best identify yourself Inquisitor, you just eliminated an asset of mine.”

Turel ignited the stolen saber he was carrying bathing the alley in a ruby glow from both combatant’s weapons. He took a deep breath and spouted off the first dark sounding name that came to mind.

“My name is Sepha’roth Darkstar, not that it’s any concern of yours. I can see you’re in need of a lesson in respect for your betters.”

I feel dirty, how do Sith spout such bravado with a straight face?

Turel didn’t have time to finish the thought before the Trogruta launched his attack and crimson sabers were clashing in the night.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 4 March, 2017 3:01 AM UTC

Syntax

Missing the word ‘the’ before ‘warm embrace’.

It felt like death compared to [the] warm embrace of the Light Side.

You had two independent clauses joined together with a comma, which created a run on sentence. A period separating the two fixes this problem.

The Jedi Sentinel hated touching the Dark Side[.] [I]t always sent a deep chill down his spine and made him feel cold and weak, like he had fallen into a frozen river.

‘He’ is incorrect here. Use ‘his’ instead.

[His] opponent was within striking distance, it was now or never.

Comma for the dependent clause so it doesn’t read awkward.

Turel ignited the stolen saber he was carrying[,] bathing the alley in a ruby glow from both combatant’s weapons.

The correct spelling is ‘Togruta’.

Turel didn’t have time to finish the thought before the [Togruta] launched his attack and crimson sabers were clashing in the night.

Story

Great work taking advantage of the mistake made by your opponent. You filled a plot hole and maintained continuity all in one fell swoop. This also provides an accurate reason, from a character sheet POV, for why Turel could kill the NPC. Well done.

Turel felt a twinge of guilt for shooting the man, but it was a necessary evil. Darik had been personally responsible for the deaths of five Sentinel Network agents and when Turel sensed a Dark Side presence nearby when confronting Varm he was certain he’d found the true party responsible for his dead agents.

A nice way to describe a Jedi being forced to use the Dark Side to trick his opponent. Usually, I would be suspicious of the use of the Dark Side here, but the description of its horrible effects, Turel’s disgust in using it, and your character sheet’s mention of ‘Smoke and Daggers’ makes this a nice story addition.

The Jedi Sentinel hated touching the Dark Side, it always sent a deep chill down his spine and made him feel cold and weak, like he had fallen into a frozen river. It felt like death compared to warm embrace of the Light Side. The Dark Side also made him feel like a cornered beast; every anxiety, every fear, and every irritation seemed amplified a hundredfold. As much as he hated it, the ability to not only hide his aura in the Force, but alter it completely had proven exceptionally useful.

A nice pull from his fictional backdrop outside the match.

Turel crept behind one of the dumpsters in the back alley. The smell almost made him gag. All the time he had been spending in the posh Sephi palaces of Kiast lately was making him soft. There was a time when such a neighborhood would have been a second home to the ex-gangster.

Nice use of Illusion.

Abadeer saw the ambient fog, that filled the entire lower level of Chute Town, turn to black smoke in front of him. The smoke swirled and a dark figure took shape. He heard an ominous voice echo in his mind from nowhere in particular, death walks among you.

Abadeer lunged in for the first strike, a heavy overhead attack with both sabers. Darkstar held steady for the incoming attack, both hands holding his saber for the appropriate defense. The three crimson sabers crashed together, causing the energy fields of the blades to hum loudly. Taasii jumped back, gaining just enough distance to step out of the way of the incoming riposte.

The Togruta’s eyes narrowed, studying his opponents every move. Where he held his blade, how he stood, his distance from any walls. The helmet had tipped him off, this Inquisitor was no novice when it came to wielding a lightsaber. Pravus did not easily let just anyone wear his insignia. The form is very defensive, it’s going to take some work to take him down. Abadeer’s mind was racing, trying to analyze his opponent, trying to come up with a solid approach to victory. Maybe if I can feint, make him look like I’m opening up. He’ll try something a little more offensive, and then I have him

Abadeer gripped both of his sabers hard, crossing them in front of his face. He slashed them both out to the side, letting out a roar, and rushed back into the fight. It would take some time to goad the Inquisitor into attacking, but otherwise a solid practitioner of Soresu was difficult to overcome. Taasii continued to test Darkstar’s defenses, raining attacks from varying outside angles. The attacks came from left, right, high and low. Occasionally he would try a double bladed attack to try and overpower Sepha’roth, but would be met with a neat redirection of his blades.

It’s time Abadeer thought to himself. He’d let Darkstar take stock of his abilities, and now it was time to switch things up. Taasii instantly felt a flood of power into his arms and legs, as his movements quickened and attacks became heavier. The rhythm of Abadeer’s blows began to change as well, making it less predictable as to when and where he would attack. The Togruta glared at his opponent, This was the moment! He reached back with both arms and swiftly brought them back together, two horizontal cuts flying in at the Inquisitor. Midway into his swing, Abadeer slowed the attacks just slightly, and watched as Sepha’roth blocked his left blade and then his right.

Now comes the counter attack Abadeer thought as he stepped back a pace. As if right on cue, an overhead strike came back at him, leaving the Inquisitor’s defenses more open than they had been the entire brawl. Still being fueled by the Force, Abadeer reacted quickly bringing his left blade across to deflect the blow, then shot the same blade back up to neatly remove the Inquisitor’s head. Darkstar too was agile and almost retreated totally out of the way of the incoming blow. Abadeer’s upswing nicked the mask that was on Darkstar’s head causing the apparatus to come clean off.

The Inquisitor reeled for a moment before looking up at the looming Sith. Abadeer was taken totally by surprise as the man looked up. Hiding under the mask was a man Taasii vaguely recognized, Turel, Consul of Odan-Urr. It had been about a year since Abadeer had seen the man as one of Odan-Urr’s commanders on Florrum.

“What are you doing here?” Abadeer asked out of disbelief. He was baffled at what he was seeing. Turel stood up slowly, waving his hand back and forth.

“Now why would I tell that to you? I’ve already won. I killed your man, and I got the box. You’ve got nothing.” Turel smiled cockily at the Togruta. Abadeer glared down at the man, and then struck down heavily with both blades into Turel’s torso. Except when he connected with the Vanguard, there was nothing there. Abadeer stumbled back, eyes darting around looking for his opponent. There was a sharp sting in his back, which caused him to swing around quickly. As he spun, he saw Turel, somehow standing behind him now with his arm extended. Taasii caught a glimpse of a small silver armband. The Warrior could feel something spreading through the point in his back, his muscles locking up across his entire body, before he fell to the ground paralyzed.

“You’ve got to strengthen your mind,” Turel said as he started to walk away, “You never know who’s going to be messing around in there.” The Jedi laughed as he walked away into the gloom of Chute Town leaving the enraged Abadeer to wallow in his anger on the cold hard ground.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 4 March, 2017 4:46 AM UTC

Syntax

A possessive is needed here.

The Togruta’s eyes narrowed, studying his opponent[‘]s every move.

This isn’t a hit against your score as the below is technically correct, but it does sound a bit awkward. I’d recommend combining the last two statements together into something like the following.

Abadeer’s mind was racing, trying to analyze his opponent [as he attempted] to come up with a solid approach to victory.

This isn’t a hit against your score as the below is technically correct, but it does flow better with a comma where indicated.

The Jedi laughed as he walked away into the gloom of Chute Town[,] leaving the enraged Abadeer to wallow in his anger on the cold hard ground.

The words ‘too’ and ‘was’ were in the wrong order. This is the correct way to do it.

Darkstar [was too] agile and almost retreated totally out of the way of the incoming blow.

‘The word ‘This’ should not be capitalized.

The Togruta glared at his opponent, [t]his was the moment!

A comma should be placed between the thoughts and the rest of the sentence.

It’s time[,] Abadeer thought to himself.

Now comes the counter attack[,] Abadeer thought as he stepped back a pace.

Story

Nice use of your character sheet.

The Togruta’s eyes narrowed, studying his opponents every move.

Maybe if I can feint, make him look like I’m opening up. He’ll try something a little more offensive, and then I have him.

Good job painting the scene of the fight.

Abadeer lunged in for the first strike, a heavy overhead attack with both sabers. Darkstar held steady for the incoming attack, both hands holding his saber for the appropriate defense. The three crimson sabers crashed together, causing the energy fields of the blades to hum loudly. Taasii jumped back, gaining just enough distance to step out of the way of the incoming riposte.

Nice pull in from your backstory. Good job.

The Inquisitor reeled for a moment before looking up at the looming Sith. Abadeer was taken totally by surprise as the man looked up. Hiding under the mask was a man Taasii vaguely recognized, Turel, Consul of Odan-Urr. It had been about a year since Abadeer had seen the man as one of Odan-Urr’s commanders on Florrum.

The reader should never be left with the feeling of ‘what’ or ‘when’. I don’t know when this illusion started. All I know is that it happened all of a sudden, and I got really confused. Even something as simple as "He must have used the pause in the battle to ply his trickster ways again." A cast off line like that would have had us not asking these questions. Put another way, a tell to the reader so at least your audience knows what is going on.

“Now why would I tell that to you? I’ve already won. I killed your man, and I got the box. You’ve got nothing.” Turel smiled cockily at the Togruta. Abadeer glared down at the man, and then struck down heavily with both blades into Turel’s torso. Except when he connected with the Vanguard, there was nothing there. Abadeer stumbled back, eyes darting around looking for his opponent. There was a sharp sting in his back, which caused him to swing around quickly. As he spun, he saw Turel, somehow standing behind him now with his arm extended.

The Togruta Proconsul leveraged dual wielding his ruby blades to his advantage by chaining attack after attack against his single saber opponent like a crimson tornado of rage. To the untrained eye his attacks seemed reckless, almost like wild flailing, but the Sith knew what he was doing. Each strike was carefully timed to probe the mysterious stranger’s defenses. The masked man held his ground and moved his single red blade in tight circles around his body, never straying too far or taking risks. Whoever this Inquisitor was, he was schooled in the highly defensive Soresu form.

Despite the stranger’s strong defense, Abadeer still held a significant advantage. He noticed the Inquisitor parries lacked the speed and strength of a practiced duelist. The masked man began to give ground as he began to struggle to keep up with the onslaught of blows from the Proconsul. Abadeer could sense a growing panic in his opponent and began to wish he could see the fear in the cocky man’s eyes.

Just as I thought, another sorcerer type who’s saber skills were lacking. Pathetic. Time to finish this before he tries something. I need to keep him alive just long enough to answer some questions about why he killed my agent.

The Togruta executed a horizontal “x slash” with both sabers simultaneously which forced his opponent to leap backwards lest he be cut in two. He deactivated the saber in his left hand and clipped it to his belt with practiced ease. Taking up a two-handed grip on his remaining weapon and calling on the Force to augment his muscles, he charged toward the masked man with an overhead vertical slash.

The Inquisitor caught the blade in a cross-block with his own blade, but had to take a knee under the superior strength of Abadeer’s focused power.

The masked man cackled, “nothing can stop death.”

The Proconsul was deeply confused as he pressed harder, causing sparks to drip down to the wet concrete of the alleyway. Was this some kind of joke? Was this man insane? Had he simply seen too many holonovels? It didn’t matter, soon the man would be dead.

The masked man used the power of his bent legs to push up and leap backwards as the Togruta’s saber fell directly in front of him. He reached to his belt and grabbed a small object which he threw at the ground before Abadeer could execute a follow-on attack. A blinding flash filled the Plagueian’s vision as he silently cursed the honorless sorcerer.

Blinded, but not out of the fight, Abadeer shifted to a one-handed grip on his saber and summoned the Force to his free hand. He leapt forward and slammed the free hand into the ground releasing a shockwave of translucent energy in a circle around him.

The metallic thud of a body hitting the side of a dumpster told the Proconsul that his gambit had paid off. He had successfully struck his opponent with a wide area blast before he could escape. He moved toward the sound of the impact and pointed his saber where he believed his opponent to be. Focusing on his montrals, Abadeer was able to sense the movement of the man writhing on the ground trying to get up.

“Move and I’ll kill you Inquisitor!”

The masked man coughed, “the grave cannot hold me….ah who I am kidding with this. Seriously, how do you guys say stuff like this with a straight--”

The masked man’s befuddling monologue was cut short but Abadeer removing his head which fell to the ground and rolled into a sewer grate. When his vision returned, the Proconsul collected the head and removed the helmet to know the identity of his assailant.

The Dread Lord would surely be pleased that her nemesis was finally dead.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 4 March, 2017 3:26 AM UTC

Syntax

Possessive needed here.

He noticed the Inquisitor[‘s] parries lacked the speed and strength of a practiced duelist.

Replace ‘who’s’ with ‘whose’.

Just as I thought, another sorcerer type [whose] saber skills were lacking.

This isn’t a hit on your score, but the sentence flows better with a comma here.

He reached to his belt and grabbed a small object[,] which he threw at the ground before Abadeer could execute a follow-on attack.

Ellipsis is three periods.

the grave cannot hold me[…]ah who I am kidding with this.

Originally the sentence had the word ‘but’, which didn’t make sense. Did you mean ‘by’? In addition, the comma needs to be there to fix this sentence so it doesn't sound awkward.

The masked man’s befuddling monologue was cut short [by] Abadeer removing his head[,] which fell to the ground and rolled into a sewer grate.

Story

Nice use of Abadeer’s forms.

The Togruta executed a horizontal “x slash” with both sabers simultaneously which forced his opponent to leap backwards lest he be cut in two. He deactivated the saber in his left hand and clipped it to his belt with practiced ease. Taking up a two-handed grip on his remaining weapon and calling on the Force to augment his muscles, he charged toward the masked man with an overhead vertical slash.

Nice use of Abadeer’s race’s feat.

He moved toward the sound of the impact and pointed his saber where he believed his opponent to be. Focusing on his montrals, Abadeer was able to sense the movement of the man writhing on the ground trying to get up.