Knight Thanadd Mawgath vs. Seer Lexiconus Qor

Knight Thanadd Mawgath

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Tarentum
Male Pau'an, Sith, Juggernaut
vs.

Seer Lexiconus Qor

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Quarren, Force Disciple, Defender
Comment

This was a pretty standard Sith-versus-Gray Jedi battle, though your use of personality and the story’s good grounding in the venue’s environment made the match very enjoyable to read.

First, Lexic, you had repeated issues with syntax around speech quotes, mostly regarding capitalising the word that comes after a quote. If it helps, try looking at those lines without the quotation marks. If it looks like a single sentence, then it should probably capitalise like one.

In the Story department, Lexic, your opening post was strong in the way it drew the reader into the venue and the main characters. However, you did delay the conflict quite a bit, and the fact that there was no actual combat between the protagonists in this post was a clear-cut detractor. Your second post was stronger in terms of combat, and your clever use of the environment helped to drive the story forward. Overall, you gave a reason for the characters being on Dathomir, but you struggled to convey their driving motives for carrying on this fight.

Mawgath, personality and emotion were the strengths of your Story score. I liked particularly how you ended the battle on a note of soured victory. Bringing out these character aspects do help to enrich a story, but there is still room to flesh out motivation and context. Your posts depict a fight between a Sith and a Gray Jedi, and there isn’t a great deal that makes it a fight specific to Mawgath and Lexiconus. Aside from this, you make good use of the environment, both in your action sequences and in your descriptions.

For Realism, you both received a minor detractor. Lexic, in your first post you describe Mawgath being strangled by a reptile, but then you don’t take this into account when he speaks straight after. Mawgath, your character manages to free himself from quicksand in your last post, but you gloss over how he overcomes this obstacle. Rage gave him the strength to do it, but you didn’t convince the reader of the mechanics of the action.

This match was won by a narrow margin. You both played to your strengths and it made you evenly matched in Story and Realism, but in the end the winner is Thanadd Mawgath, congratulations!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Thanadd Mawgath, Seer Lexiconus Qor
Winner Knight Thanadd Mawgath
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Thanadd Mawgath's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Seer Lexiconus Qor's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dathomir: Desolate Swamps
Last Post 19 February, 2017 1:20 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Minister Cor-Hatha Vow Qor Kith
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: An instance of poor word choice in your first post. Rationale: Repeated problems with verb tenses and with transitioning from speech quotes to narrative, and a couple of sentence structure issues.
Story - 40%
Minister Cor-Hatha Vow Qor Kith
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Your posts make good use of the characters’ emotions and personalities to drive the story forward. They are also well-grounded in the environment. You have some good combat scenes in there and you use the Character Sheets well. You still need to flesh out context, reason and motivation. Rationale: You introduce characters and venue and give a reason for them being here. You initiate the conflict, but not the actual combat, which is the crucial bit. You make good use of the environment in your second post. The plot is simple and does not delve into motivations very deeply.
Realism - 25%
Minister Cor-Hatha Vow Qor Kith
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Mawgath used his Rage-enhanced strength to escape the quicksand, but more detail was needed to show how he actually used that strength. Rationale: You didn’t follow up on the effects the struggle with the serpent had on Mawgath, in your first post.
Continuity - 20%
Minister Cor-Hatha Vow Qor Kith
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues I found. Rationale: No issues I found.
Minister Cor-Hatha Vow's Score: 3.8 Qor Kith's Score: 3.65
Posts

Dathomir Desolate Swamp

Once, it was the home to the witches of Dathomir, otherwise known as the Nightsisters. Tucked away in from the rest of the galaxy in an isolated cluster, the Nightsisters were able to draw energy from the planet itself, and pursued a type of ritualistic magic. They ruled over the population of Zabarak—Nightbrothers—and used them as a warrior caste to serve their purposes.

Then, the Clone Wars. The Nightsisters were pulled into the conflict due to the machinations of Mother Talzin and her rival Darth Sidious. This ultimately lead to the eradication of the Dathomarians and their settlements. The desolation was claimed by the Confederacy of Independent Systems after the last Nightsiser fell.

Now, the planet known as Dathomir is a haunted skeleton of its former greatness. A perpetual crimson glow coats the planet. The bleak world has become an amalgamation of ruined forest, decrepit swamplands, and withered mountains worn to the sands of time.

In the desolate swamps, faint echoes haunt the graves of the long-dead witches, infusing the green fog that spreads above the damp ground. Dreadful whispers rumoured to be lingering incantations defend the world from intruders. Tall tales and rumors of zombies and ritual sacrifice alluding to grisly flashes of imagery.

The trees, large and misshapen, promise misery to those who touch their tortured bark and open themselves to the memories of the place. Eerie as the voices over the wind, the water beneath the fog appears red and bubbling, as if the land itself were pockmarked in cauldrons of blood to keep the incantations alive.

Creatures unaffected by the purge of the Nightsisters still remain. Snakes, reptiles and insects of varying lethality wander the wasteland. Reports have even said that rancor still roam freely.

This is Dathomir.

Squelching and bubbling beneath his leathery feet, the crimson ground of Dathomir felt wrong and uneasy to Lexiconus. With each careful move he made, the mud sunk further and started to swallow him. The Quarren carefully looked around the wildlands, a box in his hand, as if searching for something. The calling of the beasts and the unknown lands perked his attention, while reptiles sang their songs and snakes hissed from the bush.

Trudging onwards, he came to a dip in the climate, and was greeted by the wide, tainted swamplands. Bubbling, brewing and fluctuating away, Lexiconus scanned the scene carefully. A green glimmer caught his attention, like a flash of an orb. He grinned and began to carefully descend the loose bank.

I finally found it, this is perfect, He thought to himself, as his feet dipped into the hot bog. While the steam from the water rose and surrounded him in an emerald glow, he carefully tip toed through.

Easy does it now, He thought to himself, taking a nervous gulp. Don’t scare it now.

As Lexiconus stalked closer to the glowing orb on the branch, he could finally see the clear details. It was a Dathomir beetle, with a diamond-shaped shell, two antennae used for sensing and fighting, as well as eight legs. Due to its ability to spit and spray acid from its mouth and anus, causing skin and metal to dissolve, Lexiconus prized this beetle. This supernatural ability is also why it is called the Fire-breathing Scarab. With the steadiness of a surgeon’s hands, the Quaestor slowly opened the box towards the beetle and began to carefully surround it.

“Get off me, snake!” A deep, bellowing voice shrieked out from the distance, which caused the beetle to quickly scurry away.

“Blast!” Lexiconus threw his box to the ground, and stormed off to the voice to investigate.

As he climbed the ledge up from the swamp, his eyes caught the sight of a hulking Pau’an clad in an exoskeleton of some sort. His neck was slowly crushed while the constrictor snake starved his lungs. Despite his mighty size and strong affinity in the Force, the Pau’an struggled with the writhing mass of muscle. Thinking more about his life than the snake’s, Lexiconus slowly ignited his lightsaber and rushed over. With his steady hands, the Quarren slowly sliced the constrictor away, and watched as the poor beast writhed in agony on the floor.

“Hah! Puny lizard!” The Pau’an roared, his metallic boot stomping the snake’s skull with a sickening crush. The Pau’an turned to Lexiconus, and his smile grew into this menacingly grim look.

“You squid, I have come for you! Prepare for your death!” He shouted, as his lightsaber snapped to life from his boulder-like hand.

Oh, not again, Lexiconus thought, as he began to backpedal, his saberstaff in a defensive position.

Korroth, 2 March, 2017 12:26 AM UTC

Syntax

the mud sunk further

It sinks, it sank, it had sunk. In this case it’s “the mud sank further”.

Bubbling, brewing and fluctuating away, Lexiconus scanned the scene carefully.

The subject here changes abruptly from swamplands to Lexiconus in the same sentence. It might read more naturally if “Bubbling, brewing and fluctuating away” was joined to the previous sentence rather than to this one.

I finally found it, this is perfect, He thought to himself

You correctly use a comma to end your thought quote here, but the “he” that followed didn’t need to be capitalised. This counts also for speech quotes.

“Get off me, snake!” A deep, bellowing voice shrieked

This is still, effectively, a single sentence, despite the exclamation mark ending the speech quote. The exclamation mark is merely standing in for a comma, so the article “a” following it needs to be lower case. These are just two examples. In this post you consistently capitalised the word following a speech/thought quote without it needing to be capitalised (unless it was a proper noun like Lexiconus, of course).

His neck was slowly crushed

I’m taking this as a Syntax error rather than a Realism one, because it seems to be just a poor choice of verb tense. The form “was crushed” indicates an action that has happened at a specific time, meaning that the neck is crushed by the time the reader gets to this line. The form “was being crushed” might fit better with the meaning of this line, because it indicates an action that is ongoing as you are reading the story.

Realism

“Hah! Puny lizard!” The Pau’an roared

While we don’t have a CS for the creature that attacked Mawgath, your description tells us that it was strong enough to resist Mawgath’s attempts to free himself and that it was slowly suffocating him. Mawgath is physically very robust, but even he can’t ignore the necessity of respiration after his lungs have been starved of oxygen. Going from constriction to roaring without a pause makes for a minor break in suspension of disbelief.

Story

You did a great job presenting the characters and painting a picture of the venue in this post. You gave a concrete reason for Lexiconus being on Dathomir, and that helped to set the scene, but in the end this introduction had little bearing on the rest of the story (i.e. if you had started from ”Get off me snake!” it would have made virtually no difference to the plot of the story).

Another important factor to consider within each ACC post is combat. Here, you wrote a good introduction to the venue and characters, but you dedicated only three short lines to the actual conflict between the two protagonists, and you end the post before the two actually clash. This is a Story detractor because it means the central element of an ACC post, the combat between the two protagonists, has been ignored.

Dathomir was a corpse of a planet, its devastated surface pitted with desolation and what wretched lifeforms could survive such abject darkness. The landscape was lonely, rotting and touched only by those who did not fear death.

Here, Thanadd Mawgath would absorb one more life. As the stygian vigors of Dathomir flowed through him, he felt invincible. Here, in a place governed by ends, another would perish. The Dark Side would flourish in the violence of his final moments.

"Your carcass will feed the carrion of this dead world," he sneered, stomping within striking range of the Quarren. The hiss of conduction echoed in the stolid atmosphere of the swamp, emerald meeting ruby in a mighty clash.

Lexiconus Qor buried his heels into the bloated mire, the hue of his blade almost disappearing into the foreground of stubborn foliage and frothing sludge. With defiant turns and shifts of his saberstaff, he weathered the battery of his Sith foe, whose powerful blows seemed unceasing.

The Grey Jedi winced, feeling his posture begin to buckle. As the Tarenti hacked and pummeled, both beings knew the bulwark could not be maintained.

"Why?!" called the Quarren, intimations of compassion still coloring his voice as he dug in against the onslaught. It was enough to earn him a brief reprieve, the towering blackguard too arrogant to resist the opportunity to disparage his enemy.

"The Force is not for you, pretender!" Mawgath spat, his anger pouring through the modulator in an awful drone. He knew now that his foe could not overcome his strength of arms, confident that the final blow would come soon.

"Death will reign through the supremacy of the Dark Side! You are not worthy of its embrace! It has been foreseen!"

The fearsome cleave which followed met only wind and mud, as if Lexiconus were anticipating such a maneuver. Now, the Quarren waited on firmer ground, meeting the Knight of Tarentum at his oblique.

"Wh-?"

Cholera welled in the Dark Jedi's molten irides, his exasperation escaping like heat from his terrible armor. How had the squid done such a thing?

Mawgath concentrated on his anger, pulling on his frustration and tried to reach out with the Force, waiting for the Dark Side to fuel his berserker rage --

-- but it never responded.

Korroth, 2 March, 2017 12:26 AM UTC

Syntax

Cholera welled in the Dark Jedi's molten irides

A tiny difference in spelling, but a huge difference in meaning. “Cholera” is the disease. “Choler” is the synonym for anger.

Story

I like how you turned the description of the environment to suit Mawgath’s mood and attitude in this post. You also used this post to explore the two characters, both in terms of combat abilities and personalities. Though you used the two characters’ ideological differences to explain the conflict, you missed the opportunity to go into more concrete, specific context. Why is Mawgath attacking Lexiconus rather than any other Gray Jedi? How does he know of Lexiconus? Did he go of his own initiative or was he sent on an assassination mission? Do the relations between their respective Clans influence the battle? These kinds of details can help to ground your story in the reality of the Brotherhood universe.

“Bah! What has happened to my power?” Thanadd roared out, his metallic voice echoing across the crimson plains. Lexiconus twirled his lightsaber in a flurry and prepared the blade in his defensive position again, his concentration slightly occupied.

The Pau’an charged at his opponent, his powerful and heavy stomps upsetting the mud beneath and caused it cover Thanadd entirely. With a smirk, the Quarren watched as the Knight’s weight slowly became his demise. With each struggling step he took, Thanadd’s mechanical armour sunk further into the swamplands.

“What trickery is this, squid! You have no power over the Sith!” His spittle accentuated his words, while the lightsaber in his grasp swung around with aggressive intentions. Silent and observant, Lexiconus took this peaceful moment to educate the Knight.

“A small tip for you, the next time you return to Dathomir, swamps have mud and quicksand. The bogs here are never ending and have claimed the lives of many unskilled travellers. You are now going through that torturous moment, where your struggles quickens your death, and your might is the lesson of failure. This is the price of the swamps, and this is your first lesson with me, Sith.” Lexiconus nodded as he slowly sat on the edge, a good enough distance from being chopped or worse.

It didn’t stop Thanadd from trying however, as he flung the lightsaber as hard as he could, the crimson blade twirling across the air. The Quarren’s sense of danger forced his body to tumble aside, as the Sith’s lightsaber stabbed into the bank of rocks.

“I have more where that came from, Quarren! You mark my words!” Thanadd shouted, his feet struggling more against the gravitational pull of the mud. Lexiconus shook his head and slowly picked up the Sith’s lightsaber, inspecting the work.

“I don’t think so, Knight. But I am eager to see you try and leave the quick-sand. So I’ll be here, waiting. Some bogs take less than five minutes to eat a man, some take an hour. Let’s see how long you have to live,” The Seer slowly smiled as he hooked the lightsaber to his waist, and watched with crossed arms.

Korroth, 2 March, 2017 12:27 AM UTC

Syntax

his powerful and heavy stomps upsetting the mud beneath and caused it [to] cover Thanadd entirely.

You switched tense in the middle of this sentence: “upsetting the mud beneath and causing it to cover Thanadd entirely” would be a more consistent use of verb tenses.

Thanadd’s mechanical armour sunk further

Again, should be “sank farther.” It conjugates in the same way as “to begin:” you would say “I began the match” rathern than “I begun the match.”

You are now going through that torturous moment, where your struggles quickens your death

This sentence would read better without the comma. That comma is an awkward separation between the adverb “where” and the verb “going through” with which it is associated. Also, to make “quickens” agree with the plural “your struggles” the line should be “where your struggles quicken”.

Let’s see how long you have to live,” The Seer slowly smiled as he hooked the lightsaber to his waist

Here the statement following the speech quote does not modify or describe the speech quote, it is simply an action that follows the speech quote. In this case the speech quote should end with a full-stop rather than a comma. Your other speech-to-narrative transitions in this post are OK.

Story

You successfully used the environment to create a measure of tension in this post, and you showed how non-combat skills like Intellect and Perception can be used to control the pace of combat. You did miss an opportunity to explore the characters’ motivations though. The reader is left wondering what the stakes are for Lexiconus (beyond mere survival) and what he hopes to get out of the battle.

Chided by a lesser warrior, Mawgath seethed, the glow of his chest panel piercing the sludge which now decorated his armor. His massive chest rose and fell with labored breaths, the mired colossus struggling to gather the poise necessary to escape this mess – and finish off the squid.

“Peace is a lie. There is only passion,” he muttered, trembling syllables nearly silenced by the bubbling of the swamplands. Perched and self-satisfied, Lexiconus Qor watched his would-be assassin begin to relent, black eyes now hidden beneath mottled grey eyelids.

“Ah, are we trying patience on for size, ancient one?”

Beard-like tentacles stirred, the stoic humor of the Gray Jedi infuriating the bog-ridden Tarenti.

“It suits one with your lifespan quit well, immortal,” Lexiconus jested, now leaning against the petrified trunk of a great gnarltree. The slow crawl of mold beneath him did not seem to disturb the Quarren in the slightest, who felt a great connection with the humid quagmire.

“Through passion, I gain strength,” Mawgath growled, feeling his rage pool into a font of dark potency. His hatred for his foe, who so easily outmaneuvered him, fueled his broken body. His descent into the sullen earth slowed, mitigated by his concentration – however ireful.

“Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken”

The Pau’an trailed off, his steel-shelled jaw rising from his chest. Cavernous eyes snapped to life, the Force coursing through furrowed flesh.

“THE FORCE SHALL FREE ME!”

Impossible steps launched the Dark Jedi into a bounding leap, which carried his armored frame from the swamp and onto the Quarren’s dreary mesa. Lexiconus responded with a surprising finesse, the crack of his lightsaber blade goading Mawgath into wild rage. His gauntlets fell with deadly force against an invisible barrier, and from behind the ghostly bastion, Lexiconus prepared to land the killing blow. He would wait for Mawgath to tire…

…but it never came. The Gray Jedi shifted to create space between himself and the groaning tyrant, winding up for the penultimate strike. Mawgath refused to let such tactics deter his assault a second time.

“I will crush you!”

He bellowed as he lifted the earth-stained boulder, drenched flora-husks and swarming insects trickling from its filthy underbelly. Lexiconus easily avoided the massive projectile, clambering over the rocky banks and sinking into a defensive posture.

“Your darkness limits you, Sith,” the Quarren advised. He was simply educating his opponent, who now called his lightsaber to his grasp with a telekinetic gesture.

“Darkness has no limits, squid,” Mawgath spat, his crimson blade lighting the ground beneath.

“It is all around us. It grows, spreads, into the cracks and beneath the surface of our perceptions. It is irresistible, and never gone for long. Darkness is eternal, and this is the power of Death!”

The final syllable was accentuated by the mincing of blades yet again, and even the Quarren held no illusions about what would happen now. Exhausted and outclassed, the Gray Jedi could not stir himself to madness – not even to save his own life – for he felt no terror. The Tarenti scowled as he beat Lexiconus down, struggling to grasp a satisfaction which never arrived.

As the killing blow was struck, tearing the Quarren’s orange hide asunder, he did not fear death. His consciousness ceased, leaving only the darkness which Mawgath so worshipped - one which would never give him the closure he sought.

Lexiconus Qor died in that swamp, never succumbing to the terror which his murderer tried so desperately to inflict – and so it was that another passed into the Force, their death as hollow and as silent as the fallen logs of Dathomir.

Korroth, 2 March, 2017 12:27 AM UTC

Syntax

It suits one with your lifespan quit well

A minor typo, should be “quite well”.

Story

the earth-stained boulder, drenched flora-husks and swarming insects trickling from its filthy underbelly.

Loved this bit of yucky detail in the middle of the action sequence.

Realism

Impossible steps launched the Dark Jedi into a bounding leap

The situation established in the previous post and at the start of your post indicate that Mawgath is trapped in mud or quicksand. The way it’s been depicted so far, every movement sinks him deeper into the trap. While Rage has given Mawgath extraordinary strength, you still need to show how uses it to overcome the suction of the muck. Does he find purchase, pull on a branch or push off the bottom? You described how he stops sinking further, but your explanation of how he escaped still needed fleshing out to avoid this minor break in Realism.