Commander Rhylance vs. Warrior Kul'tak Drol

Commander Rhylance

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Chiss, Loyalist, Field Medic
vs.

Warrior Kul'tak Drol

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Zabrak, Sith, Shadow
Comment

This was a good match from two combatants who have apparently faced each other several times. That's good to see, and the fact it carried over into this match in a beneficial way is great!

You both did a good job adding depth to the story and trying to make something more. Something interesting. It was not without its success, but it also had missteps. The biggest issues seemed to be with the Realism department and some things just not making sense for the reader.

That is a good problem to have, because it is easily remedied by asking questions and studying! Even the Judging staff glances at the Force Power wiki on the regular. Nothing to be ashamed of there. Surprisingly few Syntax errors that stood out to me, but it is possible I missed something. Always get a proofer, or two, because sometimes it takes a few reads to catch.

With the scores tallied, this was a close one and the winner is Commander Rhylance.

Looking forward to seeing the continued growth from you both.

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Commander Rhylance, Warrior Kul'tak Drol
Winner Commander Rhylance
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Commander Rhylance's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warrior Kul'tak Drol's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Naboo: Otoh Gunga
Last Post 8 March, 2017 6:46 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Kul'tak Drol Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Some issues apparent, refer to the comments. Rationale: Some issues apparent, refer to the comments.
Story - 40%
Kul'tak Drol Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: You did a good job with the motivations and incorporating the venue, but this also hurt you. You had too much reliance on the NPCs and it caused some issues that wouldn't have been there otherwise. The pacing also dropped right in the middle. Rationale: You did a good job with motivations and adding depth to the encounter. Had a lot of interesting notes. You made the character history a strong point of the encounter without doing a disservice to either.
Realism - 25%
Kul'tak Drol Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A minor issue, refer to the comments. Rationale: A minor issue, refer to the comments.
Continuity - 20%
Kul'tak Drol Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Some issues with what Rhylance had with him and skill/power usage. Rationale: Some issues with application of powers. Refer to the comments.
Kul'tak Drol's Score: 3.6 Master Aiden Lee Deshra's Score: 4.0
Posts

Naboo Otoh Gunga

Beneath the surface of Lake Paonga lies the Gungan capital. Otoh Gunga is constructed in such a manner that leaves the Gungan city trapped beneath water pressures converging on the lake’s vertical center and floating between the surface of the lake and the lakebed. Its location makes the capital difficult to find without knowing its precise location, remaining untouched during the Separatist occupation of Naboo.

Water-breathing species would be able to swim easily to its bubble-shaped buildings; however, those unable to remain submerged without air would find the distance impossible to swim. Therefore, breathing apparatuses are essential for those determined to make the journey themselves and without the aid of Gungan bongos.

Its bubble-like buildings are in fact hydrostatic force-fields that contain breathable atmospheres for their occupants and have special portals that allow theinhabitants to enter and exit. Since the Gungans actually grew the building material of their cities from the natural plasma of Naboo and bubble wort extract, the structure of Otoh Gunga is a hub and spoke design. Each of the bubble-like buildings are compartmentalized units, able to be sealed off at a moment’s notice.

The Gungan Grand Army utilizes patrols that make regular visits between the compartments. Favouring spears, atlatls, Electropoles and cestas for throwing boomas, these soldiers are the staunch defenders of Otoh Gunga. Sometimes armed with distributed Gungan personal energy shields capable of turning aside blaster bolts, these warriors are too-often underestimated, lending to their victories over the Trade Federation.

Walking along the metallic flooring of the Gungan city, Rhylance focused his attention on the seemingly ethereal plasma shields. The purpose of this barrier was to keep the Gungans from being crushed by thousands of liters of water. The Consul looked back towards the bongo that brought him to the location. Laying in a heap outside of it was his driver, a Gungan whom he convinced to take him to Otoh Gunga.

“I am somewhat sorry for killing you, but the usefulness you had alive is worth substantially less to me than with you dead,” he said to himself.

As Consul of Taldryan, Rhylance has been on a search for any material he could use to help make their fleet safer, and the Chiss had heard stories of the energy shields. He had to see them for himself. Rhylance circled the room, gazing out of the plasma to a distorted vision of the sea around them. As he walked next to each exit he knelt down and took note of all possible recourse that could be dealt with. Next, the Chiss observed the electronic generators built into the walls that kept the shields activated.

“For such simple minded species, this development is intriguing,” he said with slight appreciation for the Gungan’s work on the shields.

Near the room, in the shadows outside of Rhylance’s field of vision, a lone figured watched the Consul with a slight level of intrigue. The medic was poking and observing the plasma shielding. Memories of his previous two encounters with the Chiss brought a level of anger and rage to Kul’Tak Drol. Rhylance had proven himself disloyal to the Brotherhood, and to the team, he pledged to help in their mission. That disloyalty taught Kul’Tak one thing. The Consul needed to die, and killing the current Consul of Taldryan would certainly look good to his superiors.

With that in mind, the Inquisitor took out his ryyk blades and silently moved towards his prey. The hunter stalked his unknowing target. He would make this a clean kill. As Kul’Tak walked into the room, he failed to notice the sensor that Rhylance had placed near the entrance when he made his rounds. The data pad in the Consul went off with a slight alarm causing him to turn towards the intruder, and Kul’Tak darted forward.

Rhylance had been caught off guard and was forced into a quick defensive ducking and dodging the curved blades in his attacker’s hands. His body wasn’t the most limber and he felt the sharp stinging of pain erupt in his left arm as one of the blades made contact. Rhylance pulled out his blaster with his right hand as he rolled away from the Inquisitor. As he aimed the barrel of the Peacekeeper, the medic recognized who had tried to end his life.

“Kul’Tak Drol, what is this the third time we’ve crossed paths?”

“Impeccable deduction, Lord Commander of Taldryan. I congratulate you, really.”

“I would have thought you’d have learned your lesson already Kul. You can’t best me. I’ve gotten away twice before. This time will be no different.”

Kul began to grow excited for the hunt. His prey was right where he needed him to be.

“You know what they say: third time's the charm. And this time, your disloyalty to the Brotherhood will cost you your life.”

Rhylance grew weary of another fight. He had work to do, and this was a waste of his precious time. The Chiss glanced to the blood that stained his jacket. The stinging sensation failed to end.

“Surely, we can come to some sort of arrangement. This bloodshed is so archaic. We can be civilized individuals can’t we?”

“Not this time Rhylance. For all that you have done, this time I’ll end your existence.” Kul’Tak answered as he prepared his blades again for a second engagement.

Rhylance turned slightly to the right, facing away from the Inquisitor. If a fight was what Kul wanted, Rhylance couldn’t ignore the situation. “So be it.” Turning swiftly, the Chiss raised his blaster and bolts of energy launched out of the barrel.

Darth Renatus, 16 March, 2017 1:06 AM UTC

Syntax

Pay attention to your tense. This is present, it should be past:

Rhylance has been on a search

You don't need the second comma here:

to the Brotherhood, and to the team, he pledged to help in their mission.

A bit repetitious with your use of "Consul" here. It would have been better served with his name or another moniker such as "The Medic":

The Consul needed to die, and killing the current Consul of Taldryan would certainly look good to his superiors.

There is a datapad inside the Consul? You probably mean "in the Consul's hand":

The data pad in the Consul went off


Story

I'm left wondering what the purpose of this segment was, though I know that "recourse" means "help", more or less. As a reader, the word choice leaves me wondering if more was meant to be outlined:

As he walked next to each exit he knelt down and took note of all possible recourse that could be dealt with.

You did a good job of trying to instill meaning in this match, especially referring to previous encounters with your opponent. I liked that. You attempted to work it in organically as well. Makes for a richer story.


Realism

This bit is Realism due to using equipment you didn't include in your match details. At no point are sensors mentioned:

he failed to notice the sensor that Rhylance had placed near the entrance when he made his rounds


Continuity

This section is also Continuity, because you mentioned him taking notes of possible recourse but not doing anything. As a reader, it looks like you "magiced" these into existence because it was suddenly convenient towards your story purposes. You should have gone back and made note of installing these, or hinting at it properly, once you decided to use them:

he failed to notice the sensor that Rhylance had placed near the entrance when he made his rounds

Kul stretched out both of his hands and opened his fore and middle fingers as the bolts sped towards him, humming to the tune of his death. Instead of piercing his rosy flesh with holes, however, the bolts were halted by some unseen wall. The energy hissed across the surface as it was dispersed in waves. The Zabrak let his arms fall as Rhylance considered this new development. Drol had not had such abilities at his disposal the last time they had encountered one another. It was a dangerous Sith that could remain so unpredictable.

Their confrontation had apparently aroused the curiosity of some nearby Gungans, who had begun to enter the chamber. One of them, slightly taller and well-fed, approached the pair in his military-styled garb. Kul gave him a side glance and shifted his stance slightly, sliding a ryyk blade in between himself and the newcomer. The native raised a hand in a sign of concern while his other wielded a guardsman's spear.

“Whosa are yousa, and why yousa in here making hugo commotions? “

Kul’s face took on a bored expression and he fully faced the Gungan. Rhylance slowly began to take a step backwards as the Zabrak responded.

“This is no concern of yours, Gungan. Leave before you get hurt, I’m only here for the Chiss.”

Not accepting of having his authority so casually ignored, the guardsman stepped forward while fiddling with some stun cuffs.

“Now see here, yousa. Imma be takin’ you to see the bombad General. Yousa can explain to him.”

The Gungan approached ready to take Kul into custody. When he reached forward to grasp Kul’s wrist, the Zabrak twisted it sharply and drove his ryyk blade forward in a slash. Before the crowd of onlookers could respond the Gungan’s head had rolled from his shoulders, closely followed by the rest of him. Shock permeated the through the onlookers, but Kul returned his focus to the Chiss. Who had suddenly disappeared.

Cursing to himself, Kul scanned the room quickly before charging out the opposite side portal. The Consul had chosen the delay to escape, but his sapphire skin would stick out more than usual against the solitary browns of the Gungan race. Kul strained to reach out for Rhylance’s presence within the Force, but to no avail. It had never been one of his strong points considering he was trained to kill more than to keep tabs. He knew the man was still here, but could not pinpoint his location with so many other living things about. It was a mass of presences he could not embrace like he could in the forest. He gazed upward to the top of the shielded orb he was in and suddenly felt a twinge of desire for dry land.

Deciding on a change of tactics, Kul sheathed his ryyk blades and took a more upfront approach. He searched among the denizens and asked if they had seen a blue man come by. Those who could actually speak Basic could only confirm his fears: that he had lost his prey.

Balancing lightly on the edge of defeat, Kul thought to try one more time. He approached a small shielded bubble that acted as one of the many shops within the city. At the front perusing the wares was a buyer draped in a long cloak bearing Gungan markings. Kul had seen some of the higher class guards wearing such cloaks. He doubted word of his actions against the other Gungan had gotten around this far quite yet, though, so he stepped forward placing himself behind them. He could not see their face, but all Gungans seemed alike to him anyway.

“You there, I'm looking for a blue man with red eyes around here. Seen anything like that?”

The figure must have been heavily invested in whatever purchase they were considering, because they merely shook their covered head instead of facing him.

“Sorries, mesa no see any blue men around here. Except one time when mesa try dis flamin’ leafie...ah never yousa mind.”

Kul sighed and turned back to the roving crowd. He didn't understand, someone who stuck out like such a sore thumb could not possibly have escaped so easily. It was rather disconcerting that no one had seen him. The Chiss could not utilize the Force as Kul could, so how did he do it?

Kul’s answer came in a rush of stinging pain as a blade found his lower side. Roaring in anger he reached back and grabbed the assailant’s arm before throwing them to the ground in front of him. It was the cloaked Gungan, except not a Gungan at all. Pushing himself back up was Rhylance, being careful not to nick himself with his own blade. Seeing the scalpel filled Kul with instantaneous panic. Their last confrontation had taught Kul the hard way how much Rhylance enjoyed using poisons. He glanced at his throbbing side. Which had he just been cut with?

Darth Renatus, 16 March, 2017 11:55 PM UTC

Syntax

Some minor repetition here with your use of "face". Change it up so it keeps things interesting:

Kul’s face took on a bored expression and he fully faced the Gungan.

Probably meant for just "through" here:

permeated the through the onlookers


Story

This is a good way of working your weaknesses into the narrative:

It had never been one of his strong points considering he was trained to kill more than to keep tabs.

Yeah, at this point I'm completely lost as a reader and have no idea what you meant to say:

It was a mass of presences he could not embrace like he could in the forest.

The only other real problem regarding your story here is that you dial back the tension and pacing. This is a 2+2 match, which means this is the lead in to the final posts. You take the combat that had just begun, stall it out, and turn it into a search. Effectively, this disengages the reader during a time you want them hanging off your every word.


Realism

So, let's think this one over. If you were a random citizen in Otoh Gunga, and you just saw a guard have his head cut off. Why would you still be... anywhere near it? Why is there not running and screaming? Standing around and being helpful in regards to your queries just doesn't seem realistic:

Deciding on a change of tactics, Kul sheathed his ryyk blades and took a more upfront approach. He searched among the denizens and asked if they had seen a blue man come by. Those who could actually speak Basic could only confirm his fears: that he had lost his prey.

Rhylance looked on with a grin as the Zabrak held his bleeding wound. The Chiss steeled himself, even as a slight air of fatigue ran over him. Prolonged conflict had never been his strong point, and he was heavily relying on the poison to assist him in surviving this encounter.

After Kul’tak brought him to the ground, the Gungan’s in the area began to back away from the conflict. Some went running, while others called for guards to come enforce justice upon these intruders. The cloak he had “borrowed” was still draped over his shoulders waiting to be used again for a quick escape. These somewhat primitive creatures would be easier to trick than the Zabrak, and even he fell victim to the charade rather easily.

Kul’tak could feel the stinging sensation of his opened flesh and he had to concentrate to allow the Force to make the pain more bearable. The Inquisitor thought himself lucky that he seemed to not have any symptoms yet. This encounter needed to end. Ripping the hilt free from his belt, Kul’tak activated his lightsaber. Crimson light filled the underwater pod with a harsh hiss.

“I don’t know what you’ve done to me you wretch, but I will end your traitorous ways for good!”

Taking a step forward Kul’tak froze in place. A strange feeling of euphoria began to wash over him as his vision blurred. The Inquisitor’s sight was filling with strange combinations of flashing lights and the room around him seemed to bend in unusual ways. Stepping backwards, he stumbled with a slight loss of balance.

“Everything alright Kul?” The Chiss’s voice rang into the Zabraks’ ears with a resonating echo. “How are you feeling? In what terms would you describe your experience?”

Rhylance’s voice rang in Kul’s head. As Kul turned to face the Chiss, the Consul began to multiply before his eyes. When one spoke, they all spoke. When one moved they all moved.

“I find this to be one of my favorite creations. The effects vary from subject to subject. What do you see?”

“Shut up.” Kul’tak flinched at the volume of his own voice. It was maddening. The Euphoria he felt left as waves of heat and cold washed over him. The multiple Rhylance’s began to circle him. They seemed to be evaluating him like an animal. Kul was no animal. The Sith focused every ounce of control he had on the Force that surrounded him. Slowly his vision steadied, but he couldn’t hold this concentration for long.

“I would normally hold off and study the effects of my toxin, but you have proven yourself to be a most dangerous, and annoyingly present adversary. I can’t afford another run in with you.”

As Rhylance approached Kul’tak his scalpel gleamed in the light of the underwater pod. Less and less copies of the medic hindered the Zabraks’ sight. Seeing that the Chiss would likely kill him with the small blade, the Inquisitor took action. He thrusted the lightsaber forward towards one of the copies. Rhylance twisted his body slightly, and even though the aim of the strike was off it still managed to clip his side. Kul felt where the lightsaber met flesh and pushed forward his opposite hand sending a burst of Force energy colliding with the Chiss, knocking him to the ground.

Rhylance could tell that Kul was coming to his senses, even if at a slow pace. The searing pain he felt in his side was unrelenting, and this battle could very well be his last. He needed to act quickly or he would face the Inquisitor’s justice. Kul’tak turned and focused on the Chiss. He flourished his blade slightly as he prepared to kill the Consul. As the Zabrak stepped closer to his prey, Rhylance pulled out a green vial with his right hand and held it out to him.

“I’ll offer you a truce Kul. You let me live and I will give you this antidote. All of the effects of my toxin will be gone. I will even come quietly to whatever trial awaits me by the Iron Legion.” Desperation could be heard dripping from the Chiss’s lips. He was begging for his life, and Kul’tak was loving it. “I’ll give you whatever you want.”

“Anything? Even the location of Taldryan’s fleet. The coordinates of all your traitorous hideouts?”

“Yes, anything Kul.”

“And tell me Rhylance. Why would you do this?”

“Self-preservation. I only wanted to continue my research, but right now it seems that my only option is too maybe live. Taldryan means nothing to me.”

Rhylance’s arm remained outstretched holding the vial. Silence filled the pod as Kul thought about his decision. A wicked smile crept across his face.

“Ok, it’s a deal.”

With a swift stroke of his lightsaber, Kul’tak sliced through the Chiss’s forearm earning him a shrieking yell of pain. The severed limb fell to the ground, still clutching the vial. Kul retrieved the vial and chuckled as he removed the small black cap from the top.

“How much of a fool do you think I am Rhylance? The minute I move to retrieve this vial, you would have merely moved to kill me. Now you will die a traitor’s death, just as you deserve.”

Kul’tak downed the contents of the vial before dropping it to the ground. He wiped his mouth and grimaced at the taste of the antidote. As Rhylance writhed in agony on the ground, holding the stump that was his arm, he let out a strained laugh. Sweat was pouring from his blue skinned forehead and tears could be seen in his eyes, but he forced out an amused chuckle between his hardened breaths.

“What are you laughing at?” Kul asked in confusion.

“You…you really are…an idiot,” Rhylance forced out as he gasped for breath.

“What are tal…” Kul went to grab the Chiss, but he felt a familiar numbing sensation travelling across his body. His eyes darted to the shattered glass upon the ground. He’d been tricked!

“You…You really drank…the whole thing…heh.”

The crimson saber in his hand fell as Kul’tak’s body began to freeze up on him. His legs felt like jelly as they began to give out. Panic spread through him as he watched Rhylance strain to pick himself up. The Chiss was gasping out in pain from his severed arm. He barely managed to lift himself to his feet, and the stress evident on his face. He may have survived the encounter so far, but it was at a heavy price.

“You know…I want to kill you…almost as much as…I want to live,” Rhylance looked at the stiffing form of his opponent. “But you made…several errors today Kul…but your biggest may have been…killing that Gungan.”

Kul’tak could hear a commotion come from the hallway to his right. Fear caused his heart rate to increase. The pumping could be felt in his ears.

“Gungans don’t take too kindly…to people killing their own. Have a good day Kul. Hope I don’t see you again.”

Rhylance hobbled out of the room. He used his remaining hand to slip the hood of the cloak still hanging from his shoulders back over his head. The injuries he received had taken their toll. Moving on will alone, the Consul just needed to get back to his ship. Unfortunately, he wasn’t sure that he could.

Darth Renatus, 17 March, 2017 12:17 AM UTC

Syntax

Why does this have a capital on "euphoria"?

The Euphoria he felt left

One too many "o" in "to maybe live":

my only option is too maybe live.


Story

Just not clear what he is doing here. I presume Control Self. Trying to purge the contents:

The Sith focused every ounce of control he had on the Force that surrounded him.


Realism

At +1, this power requires "intense concentration" and it can be argued that isn't coming across here. Could also be argued that it is. That's why this isn't a point against you, but I'm remarking on it for awareness:

Kul’tak could feel the stinging sensation of his opened flesh and he had to concentrate to allow the Force to make the pain more bearable.

At +2, the key terms are "not under duress" and "concentrate for a second". I'd say there is a hefty amount of duress. +3 for most powers is your "combat able" checkpoint:

Kul felt where the lightsaber met flesh and pushed forward his opposite hand sending a burst of Force energy colliding with the Chiss, knocking him to the ground.

Rhylance waved the scalpel in front of him tauntingly, making disappointing sounds with his tongue.

“Come now, Drol. I thought you'd have learned by now. You're not the only one with tricks up their sleeves.”

The Zabrak growled. He knew he did not have long before whatever poison he'd been struck with took effect. Especially with both of his hearts sending it coursing through his body. His time was limited before the toxin suffused his organs and he either died or fell under paralysis, so he lurched forward towards his prey with ryyk blades ready to devour his blue flesh. Rhylance became a tranquil sea, awaiting the winds that would blow the tide where he wanted them. As Kul sliced air and smashed away onlookers, Rhylance kept his distance even if he had to toss a few bystanders in between them to buy another moment. The two pools of blood where another’s eyes might be watched the Zabrak carefully, as if trying to peer into his very veins themselves. His search for any sign of reaction completed as he witnessed Kul’s eyes begin to glaze, and his swings began to tilt even wider. It was a slow working poison, but Rhylance was as excited as he could be to learn more about how it would affect the Zabrak’s physiology. Drol had been such an interesting specimen last time. His twin hearts had allowed Rhylance to develop a theory on increasing the speed of activation and dispersal of the Chiss’ medicines and poisons. There was no telling what he might discover next. He shuffled around in his medical pack for his datapad in anticipation while Kul became distracted and began to approach a nearby Gungan.

Kul tried to blink away the images of Rhylance that were ghosting off to the edge of his vision. A part of him knew this must be the poison at work, but his focus had been hewed and now he knew not which was the real Rhylance. If this had been an illusion killing the true Chiss would have ended the trick, but poison was different. He would have to kill every Rhylance just to make sure.

The first Chiss fell beneath Kul’s downward slice while trying to fend him off with a small club. Another bent awkwardly as a driving kick snapped his spine and he crumbled to the floor with a mocking grin on his face. This only stirred the pot of Kul’s anger and he pressed on eager to end this debacle of a hunt. Suddenly a swarm of Rhylance’s mobbed him and tried to press him down. In the mayhem Kul was forced to drop one of his ryyk blades. The weight of the mass of blue flesh bore him roughly down to one knee, but he struggled by empowering his muscles with the Force. His legs strained while his empty right hand grasped a familiar form at his side. Barely able to shift his arm, Kul still managed to click the activator for his lightsaber. The blade burst forth in wave of crimson, not all of it from the plasma's vibrant light. His arm lodged free as some of the weight began to fall away. Mustering his raw strength he forced the near-unstoppable blade through the fleshy mass upon him like a vibroblade through nerf butter. More and more weight left and he was able to clamber out.

The true Rhylance watched this scene with interest, jotting down note after note onto his datapad. The Gungans militia that had arrived were trying to force the Zabrak down, but he had managed to get his lightsaber pulled in time to save himself. Now the floor was littered with corpses and distanced pieces of themselves.

The current infusion effectively controls the connection between sight and memory. Through isolating the brain’s last emotional memory imprint, the infusion has deployed an hallucination seeking to satisfy the subject’s desire. Namely to kill me. Unfortunately for him, he will never run out of targets to slay during the infusion’s run time. The infusion still appears to affect adrenal flow, heightening the subject’s irritability and bloodlust, as well...

“Rhylance! I will kill you all!”

The Zabrak’s raging cry drew the Chiss out of his notes again. He sighed and softly nudged the glasses slipping down the bridge of his nose back up. If only he could say the work back at the Taldryan headquarters was less exasperating than this. Placing his datapad back within his pack, the Chiss drew his blaster from its holster and approached the circling Gungans as they hesitated to approach the heavily breathing Zabrak. Placing himself between a pair, Rhylance raised the blaster at the Zabrak’s left side and squeezed the trigger.

Kul had barely a breath before the bolt crashed into him, but his reflexes kicked in and he flung his head back. The bolt scorched the front of his light, assassin's armor. His own crimson eyes snapped to the direction of the blast. In his growing exhaustion, it seemed like more and more Rhylances were appearing. Where most of them had been attacking with tribal melee weapons, there was now one sporting a blaster.

A blaster?

Kul grinned in Rhylance’s actual direction and the Chiss suddenly felt a shiver go up his spine. Without warning the Zabrak launched himself into a sprint, gaining ground far more quickly than a normal person would. Rhylance managed to squeeze off a few bolts, but Kul flicked them aside with his saber as he sped forward. Once he had reached the Chiss, he dropped his other ryyk blade and squeezed the hand around a blue throat. Instead of leaving himself open by merely lifting, Kul drove the Chiss’ body into the ground with a heavy slam. The wind burst from Rhylance’s lungs and he thought he heard the sound of something important cracking violently. Kul stood fully and gazed down upon his prey.

“Your poison may blur the truth, Consul, but it cannot hide it completely. Your science cannot save you now.”

The Zabrak flipped his saber so the blade pointed down towards Rhylance. With a growl, he drove it down into the Consul’s chest. The blade sizzled as it came into contact with flesh, and Rhylance blanched as pain enveloped him. The sensation quickly faded as his body began to numb, and Kul’s face became a haze.

“You should be honored, Chiss. You were definitely the most difficult ungifted I’ve had the pleasure of hunting. I shall remember that.”

As the light dimmed in Rhylance’s eyes, Kul ripped the saber out and deactivated it. The Gungans were still too shocked for the most part, and so they remained where they were as the Zabrak waved his hand over the corpse of one of his greatest hunts yet. The gesture was a sign of respect from Iridonia, from hunter...to the greatest of prey.

Darth Renatus, 17 March, 2017 12:29 AM UTC

Story

While you went for an interesting approach, there was a little too much convenience here in the form of the throng of NPCs. It would have been a major detractor if that had been the 'cause of victory here, but you spun it the opposite way... which, in itself, is still somewhat of a hindrance. There are many of them and one of you. Without enacting Rage I just don't see this going on as long as it did.


Realism

Since he didn't use the Loadout and instead wrote in his items, Rhylance doesn't have his medical pack with him:

He shuffled around in his medical pack for his datapad

I just don't see how this is possible as you described it here. Your athletics are +3 and your Precognition is +1. You also lack Feats that would explain this. Kul'tak should be dead right here:

Kul had barely a breath before the bolt crashed into him, but his reflexes kicked in and he flung his head back.


Continuity

This starts off being placed "at" the left side. Then he dodges by flinging his head back? Doesn't match up:

Placing himself between a pair, Rhylance raised the blaster at the Zabrak’s left side and squeezed the trigger.

Kul had barely a breath before the bolt crashed into him, but his reflexes kicked in and he flung his head back.