Knight Derek Cinn vs. Mystic Alara Deathbane

Knight Derek Cinn

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Marauder
vs.

Mystic Alara Deathbane

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Human, Force Disciple, Marauder
Comment

This was an entertaining scenario! The age and size difference were leveraged to great advantage, keeping the story interesting despite its humorous overtones. Unfortunately, differences in skill were not always expressed accurately. This diminishes immersion in the story, well composed as it may be.

In any case, syntax issues constituted the most frequent detractors. Even minor errors do add up. Extra proofreaders can prevent these from causing the reader to stumble. We want them to be able to read stories like this one! Although the ACC is technically a competitive “match,” the two of you composed a pretty cohesive, entertaining story together. I laughed! I rooted for each of them! I cried because we never heard what was on that dang holocron!

With scores tallied, this one goes to Alara Deathbane!

I hope we will see these two together in the halls again!

Hall Unconventional Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Derek Cinn, Mystic Alara Deathbane
Winner Mystic Alara Deathbane
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Derek Cinn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Mystic Alara Deathbane's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Club Vertica
Last Post 14 March, 2017 8:17 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Alara Deathbane Derek Cinn
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: A confusing word choice and a run-on sentence or two. Rationale: Multiple errors with punctuation and formatting; refer to comments.
Story - 40%
Alara Deathbane Derek Cinn
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You did a great job with the venue, maintaining the underlying conflict but expressing events in a humorous way. Great descriptions. The theft of the holocron had a lot of potential, but we have no idea why it is so precious. Rationale: You did a good job giving a reason for the conflict, and it set the stage for each of you to write. Explaining why that holocron was so valuable to each of them might have yielded a higher score. It was a funny scenario, I smiled often.
Realism - 25%
Alara Deathbane Derek Cinn
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Considering the venue and setting, existence of a drinking age isn’t a massive issue. Rationale: You’re clearly using the character sheets to depict each character accurately, which is good. Differences in skill level were not quite described appropriately.
Continuity - 20%
Alara Deathbane Derek Cinn
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No noticeable errors. Rationale: No noticeable errors.
Alara Deathbane's Score: 3.8 Derek Cinn's Score: 3.4
Posts

Nar Shaddaa Club Vertica

A gambler’s den of the Vertical City’s greatest bettors, Club Vertica is a casino reserved for the wealthiest of Nar Shaddaa. Cardshark droids are used exclusively to deal hands to those willing to risk their credits at the sabacc tables. Cheating is rendered near impossible under the surveillance of the droid's six photoreceptors. That of course does not stop the downtrodden from accusing others of being a fraud, which can often happen before someone receives a blaster bolt between the eyes. The few that have able to use skiffers undetected are counted as some of the best swindlers in the Galaxy.

Cerulean lights illuminate the tables, making concealment during a game difficult. Seated around most of the oval tables are a mix of gamblers from different species, succumbing to their addiction for the ultimate prize—the sabacc pot. Credits are tossed onto the tables forming mountains that draw in fierce competitors with deeper pockets and faster wit than the usual patrons.

Behind the games of sabacc, drinks are being served from the alcove of a small bar. Most of these are a shade of blue in color, expertly mixed to dull the senses of all but the hardiest individuals. Onstage, a local band sets the mood of the venue with an upbeat number that deafens out most conversations. The stakes are always high at Club Vertica.

The haze inside the casino was thick as it swirled up from the many sabacc tables around the perimeter of the room. Derek stood in the corner near the stair leading to the more private gambling rooms. Most of the patrons ignored the young boy, assuming he was just a small man in armor. This was fine with Derek, He didn’t want to be noticed anyways. He enjoyed being here whenever he wanted to avoid the pressures at the citadel however this time it was a bit different. He had stolen Alara Deathbane’s holocron. He wanted to see it, explore its secrets but he knew she was in a bad mood so he had decided to swipe it without asking and now he was hiding.

What she doesn’t know, won’t hurt her. He had thought.

As he casually leaned against the wall, He raised his hand slightly and cards flew out from behind a cheating rodian’s back. His opponents realizing what the cheater had done stood up and began advancing on the surrounded man. Derek smiled under his helmet as he tried pleading with them. His smile faded however as he sensed a disturbing presence. A women stood on the other side of the room past the bar that was situated in the center of the club. Derek stood frozen, not moving his head but glaring at her under his visor. Her menacingly bright amber eyes were glaring at him under the tattered cloak.

He could faintly see the outline of her sharp chiseled face in the the faint light of the club and the frown she wore was unmistakable. She had come for the Holocron he had hidden upstairs. The Sith began to stride toward him, her toned legs emerging out from under the cloak with every step. Before even questioning the decision, Derek had pulled out his two DC-17s and fired at the ceiling. The club erupted into screams, confusion, and uproar. Alara staggered at the sudden chaos as Derek bounded up the stairs, shoving past the confused gamblers running down.

He reached under one of the tables and pulled out a bag; The holocron rattled inside and he turned back toward the stairs but froze. Alara had just dropped her cloak. Her black tight jumpsuit hugged her athletic body and glowed slightly yellow from the the two identical yellow lightsabers that hung ignited at her sides.

“Heya Alara!” Derek said, his voice squeaking slightly

Blasted puberty. Derek thought with frustration

“I won’t hurt you Derek, but I will make it hurt alot.” She said coldly with a sneer. “So return the holocron now.”

“Give me a couple minutes to think it over.” Derek replied with a misplaced sense of confidence.

Derek raised his arms and Alara flew back down the stairs before rolling to a stop at the first step. She turned and ignited her lightsabers. Her two crossed blades met Derek’s single white blade with a crackle.

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 22 March, 2017 1:40 AM UTC

Syntax

Be sure to format internal dialogue, i.e. thoughts, in italics. There are a few instances of this issue. Should look like this, for example:

What she doesn’t know, won’t hurt her, he thought.

Pronouns, in this, case, do not require capitalization, either.

Extra proofers can make sure your wording is not accidentally contradictory, as in this case:

“I won’t hurt you Derek, but I will make it hurt alot.”

Story

Great description. With only two sentences, I see the room vividly. Continue with these types of descriptions:

The haze inside the casino was thick as it swirled up from the many sabacc tables around the perimeter of the room. Derek stood in the corner near the stair leading to the more private gambling rooms.

Realism

You included the reactions of others patrons, which I appreciated. Sometimes, people forget about NPCs after they have been leveraged. You maintained realism, here:

The club erupted into screams, confusion, and uproar. Alara staggered at the sudden chaos as Derek bounded up the stairs, shoving past the confused gamblers running down.

Pay close attention to the CS of each character:

Derek raised his arms and Alara flew back down the stairs before rolling to a stop at the first step.

It’s unclear if she "tumbled" out of this, but that should be the case. Her Athletics skill is +4, Derek's Telekinesis at +3. Even if the telekinetic push caught her off guard, she has great agility and body control at that level. It should not have sent her rolling helplessly down an entire staircase.

The young Knight waved his free hand once again and altered Alara’s sight, causing her world to meld into kaleidoscopic shapes. The stairs appeared to be spinning into all sorts of contorted shapes before her. Neon hues from the nearby lights at the casino swirled in her vision. The half-Sephi let out a cuss at his trickery and shook her head to force her eyes to focus once again.

Stupid boy, meddling in things he doesn’t understand, Alara growled to herself. She sprung back on her feet and ran up the carpeted mossy-green stairs.

“If you think I’m letting you get away with that, you are just a dumb kid!”

“I may be dumb, but I’m quicker than you!” Derek’s laughter could be heard above the stairs on the exaggeratedly decorated balcony.

The half-Sephi snarled under her breath and continued a speedy pace up the staircase. She reached the top and realized the barely-teen had disappeared. The Aedile’s head spun left in right and caused Alara’s braid to fly back and forth. She managed to spot him just down the large green-gold hallway patterned with leaves and suns. Elegantly shaped chandeliers that hung on the ceilings had been forced to wave frantically by the wind strides the boy recently made down the pathway. Alara jetted herself forward when the boy turned the corner out of sight. She sped past the rows of doors to each side of her and gracefully spun around the corner which lead to a large betting hall. Tables with Pazaak, poker, Black Gran, and hearts were stretched all across the room.

Damn that little runt! Alara frowned while clenching her teeth, Where the hell did he get off to?

Suddenly her amber eyes fell upon a short version of a clone trooper that was sitting at a stool by the bar just on the opposite of the room. Alara stomped towards the figure, her fists tightened.

“Derek Cinn! Get your assets back here!”

“Excuse me, good lady, but I believe you have me confused with someone else.” Derek altered his voice to sound more masculine, which only made it come out in more grunting-scratchy tones. He turned to the barman in front of him and attempted the voice once more. “My good chap, please pass me a brandy.”

YOU’RE NOT EVEN DRINKING AGE!!” Alara growled. She stomped closer towards him with a furious look.

“Uh oh! That’s my cue! Never mind, have a good one old chap!” Derek hopped off of the barstool and dashed down the lines of tables.

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 22 March, 2017 1:41 AM UTC

Syntax

Make sure you use commas to break up long sentences. It gives the reader a break to process the text. This is a run-on sentence, and should have a comma after “corner” :

She sped past the rows of doors to each side of her and gracefully spun around the corner which lead to a large betting hall.

Story

Absolutely adore this description. Nicely worded, I don't see that power used often.

The young Knight waved his free hand once again and altered Alara’s sight, causing her world to meld into kaleidoscopic shapes. The stairs appeared to be spinning into all sorts of contorted shapes before her. Neon hues from the nearby lights at the casino swirled in her vision.

This passage reflects a great read of Derek’s sheet, matched with the nature of the venue and the story context.

“Excuse me, good lady, but I believe you have me confused with someone else.” Derek altered his voice to sound more masculine, which only made it come out in more grunting-scratchy tones. He turned to the barman in front of him and attempted the voice once more. “My good chap, please pass me a brandy.”

Realism

While this is the Funderdome, and this is relevant, I don’t believe there is an established drinking age in Star Wars.

“YOU’RE NOT EVEN DRINKING AGE!!” Alara growled.

The patrons stared at the small armored figure zip past them just to turn their heads to the slim blonde sephi racing closely after. That boy will clean out the sewer tubes with his bare hands when I get a hold of him.
Alara Stared at the boy in front of her who was running out of room to run. “Not good.” Derek whispered softly to himself as he reached the end of the hallway. The door in front of him was locked despite Derek’s best efforts to spam the open button on the panel. “End of the line Derek,” She said smirking “We can do this the hard way or easy way so just hand it over.” Derek lifted his helmet revealing his bright grin eyes and the faint line of a smirk across his lips. He placed his helmet on the bar table to his right and leaned against albeit rather awkwardly due to his height. “Well let’s analyze the choices you’ve given me. You want me to hand over something that took a supreme amount of effort to borrow,” He said very much amused at the confused anger on Alara’s face. “Not to mention that even if I willingly hand it over I will still face the same punishment that I would get if I continue to resist.” “I’ll give you to the count of three child.” The Mystic said, her lips now pursed tightly “Bartender! We’ll have two rounds here, we’ll be here a while.” He said with a quick wink towards Alara. “One” Alara started to count. “Now the second option you gave allows me a chance to get away and…..” Derek’s next words didn’t even leave his mouth as Alara’s hand grasped Derek’s throat. “What….happened….to…..two and….three.”He croaked as he struggled against The Sith’s vice-like grip. Derek kicked frantically but was unable to break free. Desperately, Derek raised his hand and the large shelf full of glasses and bottles began to tilt their way. Alara released Derek who fell to the ground. Alara effortlessly forced the shelf upright the turned toward where Derek had laid. She shipped her back where they had come from and saw the gray armored boy running away, his kama, billowing airily. Frustration flooded her and she sprinted toward him. Derek turned but his smiled turned to a frown. The Aedile was catching up at a staggering rate. He spun around and blocked a flurry of jabs and attacks. Derek grunted with surprise as he was knocked back into a Pazaak table. Alara advanced towards him again but Derek had already recovered. He leaped up and spun around landing a kick towards Alara’s head; She groaned as she spit blood from her mouth. You’ll pay for that one Derek!

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 22 March, 2017 1:42 AM UTC

Syntax

We (the readers) immediately recognize that this post is a single wall of text. Make sure you are breaking up paragraphs, just as in your first post.

Following that line of thought, be sure to use commas to provide pauses in long sentences:

The patrons stared at the small armored figure zip past them just to turn their heads to the slim blonde sephi racing closely after.

This would appropriately look like this: “The patrons stared at the small armored figure zip past them, just to turn their heads to the slim blonde sephi racing closely after.”

Derek’s eyes are green. Was the adjective “bright” referring to his grin? Or did you mean “bright green eyes?” Use commas to separate items - in this case, his features - to prevent confusion.

Derek lifted his helmet revealing his bright grin eyes…

Realism

Be careful about matching skill levels, based on the CS:

The Aedile was catching up at a staggering rate. He spun around and blocked a flurry of jabs and attacks. Derek grunted with surprise as he was knocked back into a Pazaak table. Alara advanced towards him again but Derek had already recovered. He leaped up and spun around landing a kick towards Alara’s head; She groaned as she spit blood from her mouth.

Alara has better athletics, endurance, and martial arts skills than Derek. You point out that she catches up to you quickly, but then Derek blocks all of Alara’s attacks and then lands a perfect, devastating head-kick? Great combat, but this depiction doesn’t match the sheets.

SECURITY! MINOR IN THE HOUSE!” Alara shouted, still darting after the Knight. Derek Cinn managed to skip around the corner and down the hallway towards a room filled with VLTs. With a growl at the fact that she had been ignored by nearby guardsmen, the Mystic attempted to follow the annoying teen. The room of VLTs lit up brilliantly with neon glow from screens and signage around the room. The loud bass from over obnoxious electro music was so loud it practically thumped inside Alara’s chest. She shook her head in disgust and peered down the aisles to try and find the scoundrel. Suddenly a large shock streamed up Alara’s right calve, up through her spine, and into her neck.

YOWCH!” Alara hollered. Her pointed ears picked up the sound of Derek’s giggles as his hand quickly dropped from her calf. He sped away out of the half-Sephi’s reach before she could catch him. Hairs on the back of Alara’s neck stood up as she winced and groaned at the pain that quivered inside of her. An aggravated yell slipped out of her lips. The Mystic scrambled to follow after the juvenile who struck her. “DEREK! You’ll pay for that!

“Only if you can catch me!” Derek’s voice called down another aisle of VLTs. Alara shoved through players and their audience members to get to him as fast as she could. At this point, her stomach was burning with rage. She had to get that holocron back in her hands. The information held within its data held high importance to the clan. It annoyed her even more that he toyed with her and teased her further.

Derek! If you don’t get here this instant I’ll--

“You’ll what?! Growl a bit louder?” Derek laughed, hidden from plain sight.

Alara connected with the Force who sanctioned her call. She closed her eyes, breathed in deeply, and began to open her mind to the room. Blackness once in her imagination lit up with heat emitted from bodies of those who encompassed the large hall. She searched through the crowds in her mind’s eye until Derek Cinn’s figure illuminated from behind a plant against the left wall of the room. With a smirk, Alara’s amber eyes flashed open as she bolted towards the spot the Force beckoned her towards. Derek’s giggles quickly changed to pants of worry and fear. He jumped up from behind the plant in efforts to get away, but to no avail. The Marauder’s speed overcame him and landed him on the ground. With a quick flick of her neck to fly the stray locks from her eyes, the Aedile grinned widely and snatched the holocron from Derek’s grasp. She stuffed it into her belt’s knapsack and lifted the youngling up by his collar while standing up herself. She lifted him at her arm’s full length and peered up at him mischievously.

“Uhhh… sorry?” Derek made a nervous grin while some sweat beads fell from his forehead.

Without a word, Alara swung the boy under his arm and scrubbed his head in a rough noogie. His cries of woe and pain were muffled as she threw him over his shoulder and left the VLT hall.

“You’re going to kill me, aren’t you?” Derek attempted to struggle, but Alara’s strength held him securely.

“No no,” she stated plainly, “But I’ll sure as hell make you sorry for it. Guess who’s cleaning up after Artemis, my tusked cat for the week?”

“Wha?! NOOOO!” Derek cried and whacked his fists against the half-Sephi’s back inadequately.

“Yep. You’re cleaning up after the canines too. Oh and you’re going to be blackmailed by myself for quite some time.” Alara spoke too happily for Derek’s own good.

POOOUURRQQOOUIIII!?!?!?” Derek sobbed.

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 22 March, 2017 1:43 AM UTC

Syntax

This sentence is a bit confusing, couldn’t figure it out. Did you mean “her” instead of “his?”

Without a word, Alara swung the boy under his arm...

Story

I laughed at this, I could see her bellowing as she chased after Derek.

“SECURITY! MINOR IN THE HOUSE!” Alara shouted, still darting after the Knight.

It’s unclear what happened here. Did he pinch her? A little more detail can remove any mystery.

“YOWCH!” Alara hollered. Her pointed ears picked up the sound of Derek’s giggles as his hand quickly dropped from her calf.

Realism

Even though we’re in the Funderdome, we still need to use Star Wars material. French, unfortunately, is not a language spoken in the galaxy. No penalties - it was funny.

“POOOUURRQQOOUIIII!?!?!?” Derek sobbed.