“SECURITY! MINOR IN THE HOUSE!” Alara shouted, still darting after the Knight. Derek Cinn managed to skip around the corner and down the hallway towards a room filled with VLTs. With a growl at the fact that she had been ignored by nearby guardsmen, the Mystic attempted to follow the annoying teen. The room of VLTs lit up brilliantly with neon glow from screens and signage around the room. The loud bass from over obnoxious electro music was so loud it practically thumped inside Alara’s chest. She shook her head in disgust and peered down the aisles to try and find the scoundrel. Suddenly a large shock streamed up Alara’s right calve, up through her spine, and into her neck.
“YOWCH!” Alara hollered. Her pointed ears picked up the sound of Derek’s giggles as his hand quickly dropped from her calf. He sped away out of the half-Sephi’s reach before she could catch him. Hairs on the back of Alara’s neck stood up as she winced and groaned at the pain that quivered inside of her. An aggravated yell slipped out of her lips. The Mystic scrambled to follow after the juvenile who struck her. “DEREK! You’ll pay for that!”
“Only if you can catch me!” Derek’s voice called down another aisle of VLTs. Alara shoved through players and their audience members to get to him as fast as she could. At this point, her stomach was burning with rage. She had to get that holocron back in her hands. The information held within its data held high importance to the clan. It annoyed her even more that he toyed with her and teased her further.
“Derek! If you don’t get here this instant I’ll--”
“You’ll what?! Growl a bit louder?” Derek laughed, hidden from plain sight.
Alara connected with the Force who sanctioned her call. She closed her eyes, breathed in deeply, and began to open her mind to the room. Blackness once in her imagination lit up with heat emitted from bodies of those who encompassed the large hall. She searched through the crowds in her mind’s eye until Derek Cinn’s figure illuminated from behind a plant against the left wall of the room. With a smirk, Alara’s amber eyes flashed open as she bolted towards the spot the Force beckoned her towards. Derek’s giggles quickly changed to pants of worry and fear. He jumped up from behind the plant in efforts to get away, but to no avail. The Marauder’s speed overcame him and landed him on the ground. With a quick flick of her neck to fly the stray locks from her eyes, the Aedile grinned widely and snatched the holocron from Derek’s grasp. She stuffed it into her belt’s knapsack and lifted the youngling up by his collar while standing up herself. She lifted him at her arm’s full length and peered up at him mischievously.
“Uhhh… sorry?” Derek made a nervous grin while some sweat beads fell from his forehead.
Without a word, Alara swung the boy under his arm and scrubbed his head in a rough noogie. His cries of woe and pain were muffled as she threw him over his shoulder and left the VLT hall.
“You’re going to kill me, aren’t you?” Derek attempted to struggle, but Alara’s strength held him securely.
“No no,” she stated plainly, “But I’ll sure as hell make you sorry for it. Guess who’s cleaning up after Artemis, my tusked cat for the week?”
“Wha?! NOOOO!” Derek cried and whacked his fists against the half-Sephi’s back inadequately.
“Yep. You’re cleaning up after the canines too. Oh and you’re going to be blackmailed by myself for quite some time.” Alara spoke too happily for Derek’s own good.
“POOOUURRQQOOUIIII!?!?!?” Derek sobbed.
Syntax
Be sure to format internal dialogue, i.e. thoughts, in italics. There are a few instances of this issue. Should look like this, for example:
Pronouns, in this, case, do not require capitalization, either.
Extra proofers can make sure your wording is not accidentally contradictory, as in this case:
Story
Great description. With only two sentences, I see the room vividly. Continue with these types of descriptions:
Realism
You included the reactions of others patrons, which I appreciated. Sometimes, people forget about NPCs after they have been leveraged. You maintained realism, here:
Pay close attention to the CS of each character:
It’s unclear if she "tumbled" out of this, but that should be the case. Her Athletics skill is +4, Derek's Telekinesis at +3. Even if the telekinetic push caught her off guard, she has great agility and body control at that level. It should not have sent her rolling helplessly down an entire staircase.