Mystic Alara Deathbane vs. Battlelord Rasilvenaira Kaishera Nal'Kethar

Mystic Alara Deathbane

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Human, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Battlelord Rasilvenaira Kaishera Nal'Kethar

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Human, Sith, Shadow
Comment

Good evening, day, or whatever point in the solar cycle it is for you. I'm Qyreia, your judge for this match. Normally I would have more pleasantries available, but... nope, no fracks given toward that. On to the critique and scores.

First, let's talk about both of you. Group efforts are nice, and you guys managed to group effort a totally not-fun match in the FUNDERDOME. The Funderdome is the hall for members to engage in fun, alternative types of ACC conflict. You guys didn't do anything but the norm: fighting and bleeding each other like animals. I don't know if you thought it would be more lightly graded because of that, but if such was your thinking, thou were't wrong. Further, you both seem to have issues with manifesting an actual plot beyond the combat portion of the ACC. Story is graded on more than just how well you portray the fighting — it's about character interaction, setting, purpose, and closure to the whole thing. The most I got out of it was crude fighting and a smattering of cliche dialogue.

Alara, you shined most in your close to the match and the very intricate word choice that had even me going to a dictionary. However, as you'll see in the post notes, you had a serious issue with attention to detail that, given a few more nudges, would have made them continuity errors. The worst offender was in your first post, involving Ras' CS, which got you that major detractor. If I, as a judge who has not perused these CSs before, can spot these discrepancies, then you should definitely be able to.

Ras (because I'm not typing that beast of a name you concocted), your biggest issue that I could see was getting past your own persona. By that, I mean you had a clear inability to acknowledge your opponent's combat ability. This is a common issue: writers want to see their characters win. Unfortunately, Alara's character is significantly more geared toward combat, and if I were to just look at the CSs and judge a winner on stats, Alara would win. Also, for the love of jeebus, find a way to not write out whole names and titles in the narrative — especially when they're as long as yours.

With all commentary thus concluded, Rasilvinia... Rasilven... Ras wins by points. We hope to see you again soon. G'night!

Hall Unconventional Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Alara Deathbane, Battlelord Rasilvenaira Kaishera Nal'Kethar
Winner Battlelord Rasilvenaira Kaishera Nal'Kethar
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Alara Deathbane's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlelord Rasilvenaira Kaishera Nal'Kethar 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Kalsunor: Massassi Arena
Last Post 11 March, 2017 2:00 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Sith Eternal Rasilvenaira StormRaven Alara Deathbane
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Handful of errors that don't detract from the overall flow. See notes for further detail. Rationale: Handful of errors that don't detract from the overall flow. See notes for further detail.
Story - 40%
Sith Eternal Rasilvenaira StormRaven Alara Deathbane
Score: 2 Score: 2
Rationale: First post lacked any conflict between the characters. Story beyond the combat was only faintly touched on, but otherwise ignored along with much of the setting. See notes for further detail. Rationale: Utilized setting to a degree but otherwise lacked plot beyond the combat. Good closure to the match, but not sufficient to improve score. See notes for further detail. See notes for further detail.
Realism - 25%
Sith Eternal Rasilvenaira StormRaven Alara Deathbane
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Several minor detractors discovered. See notes for further detail. Rationale: One major detractor and a few minor detractors discovered. See notes for further detail.
Continuity - 20%
Sith Eternal Rasilvenaira StormRaven Alara Deathbane
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No detractors noted. Rationale: No detractors noted.
Sith Eternal Rasilvenaira StormRaven's Score: 3.3 Alara Deathbane's Score: 3.05
Posts

Kalsunor Massassi Arena

Elevated over a ravine, the Massassi Arena has withstood the tests of time. It is arranged in a circular formation and made by a slab of stone that connects the opposite slopes of the ravine. On its eastern side, the floating arena leads to a staircase and into a near-vertical cliff face. Because of its nearly unsupported vantage that overlooks a several hundred-meter fall, even the smallest creatures can feel the occasional motion the platform makes as the breeze brushes across its cold surface.

Adding to the adrenaline rush of standing within the slab’s concentric patterns carved into the rock, barriers and obstacles echo the Massassi’s commitment to taking every advantage over their opponents. Pillars ring the outer edge without guard rails between them, some remaining intact and others having toppled into the arena or over the perilous heights. Weeds and other fauna cover each surface as nature seeks to reclaim the ravine and eventually send the arena itself to the depths.

A creaky rope-bridge leads away towards another ancient suspended platform with the same weathered, upturned stones. Mossy footing, and uneven ground make each of these platforms unique in small subtle ways. While there is no seating for formal spectators, the ancient stones of the Massassi Arena hold an omniscient, aged wisdom that speak to the things they have seen and the battles fought through history.

A third rope-bridge leads to yet another platform, completing the triad of battlegrounds that make up the Massassi Arena.

Battlelord Rasilvenaira Kaishera Nal'Kethar stepped calmly into the arena. The aged stone and surrounding wilderness of the Massassi arena offered a refreshing change of scenery for the Sith. The human female took in a slow deep breath as she stretched her senses out, more from old habits than any true need. Her simple gray shirt allowed ease of movement, as did the loose fitting black trousers tucked into her black boots. She was an unassuming individual in her appearance with dark brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, and keen brown eyes that missed very few details. Rasilvenaira sported a lean, fit build that suggested an active lifestyle, despite her age. She lightly brushed her fingers over her weapons, verifying their readiness. The double-bladed dagger sat on her left hip, freshly sharpened and thirsty for blood. Her lightsaber adorned her right hip, sleeping like some unseen predator.

The Sith considered the confrontation ahead of her. Once the name of StormRaven had been legendary, unquestioned, and often feared. Reluctantly the Battlelord had been forced to admit that in her long absence from Clan and House, much had changed. Those who still remembered her had grown fewer, and much of her work faded into distant memories.

She exhaled a soft sigh. “Nothing lasts forever,” she mused.

The light sound of footsteps and a ripple in the Force announced the arrival of her challenger, her new Aedile. Mystic Alara Deathbane strode forward, exuding a degree of confidence that likely put off lesser opponents. The Aedile's amber eyes studied the Sith before her, appraising her and looking for weaknesses in the older woman.

Alara tilted her head haughtily as she addressed the Sith. “We don't need a washed up has-been who thinks she's still important. If you're going to be part of my House, you better prove you can still carry your own weight.”

The nerve along the Battlelord's lower jaw twitched lightly. There it was- the inevitable challenge, the veiled dig at her age, and the unspoken question of 'Are you still good enough?' Rasilvenaira forced herself to exhale slowly, rather than letting herself be baited into making a poorly chosen move. That was a hard learned lesson that had cost the Battlelord much over the years in learning it. Instead, she flashed the younger woman a cold grin, her eyes taking on a darker, obsidian hue.

“Do you dance as well as you talk, child?” The Sith let her lightsaber fall into her right hand, its molten silver blade snapping to life as she offered a taunting salute.

Qyreia Arronen, 21 March, 2017 1:11 AM UTC

Story

Battlelord Rasilvenaira Kaishera Nal'Kethar stepped calmly into the arena.

Mkay. Then what? I’m not marking this as a detractor, but from a stylistic standpoint, I would try to shy away from such clipped sentences as the start to your posts; especially when your title/name alone accounts for the majority of words/syllables.

She was an unassuming individual in her appearance with dark brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, and keen brown eyes that missed very few details.

Aye, totally unassuming… except for the whole, y’know, standing in the middle of an otherwise abandoned Massassi arena. That doesn’t stand out at all.

Rasilvenaira sported a lean, fit build that suggested an active lifestyle, despite her age.

This, and a good chunk of the paragraph, is completely unnecessary. It goes over information that is not important to the match and should already be available on your CS in the physical description.

Synopsis

On the technical level, this was a great post, if rather short. Beyond that, there is a rather distinct lack of story given to the reader: why are the characters at this arena, who challenged who, and are they really fighting as some form of test? Leaving a bit of mystique is fine, but this post was flagrantly drab. Furthermore, it lacked any conflict between the characters, which is a baseline requirement for the ACC; even for the Funderdome.

“I think you and I both know my reputation still holds in this clan; unlike your own.” Alara sneered back with bared teeth as if she were a tusked cat. The Aedile dropped both sabers down into her palms and ignited their yellow plasma blades with a crack.

“I may not be as remembered now,” Rasilvenaira retaliated, “but I was you. The epitome of you. Everything you stand for and everything you think you deserve. I had to be taught a lesson. You should be grateful that I want to teach that same lesson to you.”

Easy, ‘Lara. This assassin may be ancient, but she’s probably revered for a reason, Alara thought to herself.

The half Sephi let out a snarl and leapt towards the Sith, her sabers high in the air. Sparks of fire and plasma sizzled at the sabers’ impact as the xanthous and silver collided in color. The blades were held against one another much like the shape of a trident’s apical prongs. Both Battlelord and Mystic focused with all their arm strength to push the other downwards, and each held their own for quite a few breaths. However, Alara’s strength lasted longer. The moment she felt the Shadow’s arm grow weary was the moment she exploited to make her move and show no mercy. Alara swung her right foot in the air and aimed for Rasilvenaira’s lower abdomen. Direct hit. The Sith stumbled back with a yell, heaved her chest in deeply for air, and then charged once again towards Alara with an exhaled holler. Series of crashes and bursting sounds echoed through the canyon around the two women from their consistent raps towards each other.

“You’re going to regret challenging my name!” Rasilvenaira bellowed, holding her saber high to slash down at the half Sephi before her.

“No, you’re going to regret challenging me!” With a grunt, the Aedile caught the human’s saber between her own and spun her body to give herself momentum for another kick. She managed to slam the Battlelord to the ground, but not before she herself was tripped down towards a pile of debris by Rasilvenaira’s own foot. The two winced and groaned.However they did not take their time in ascending into battle stance. In sudden realization of their missing sabers, Alara and Rasilvenaira circled around their localities with arms and hands spread wide. A sudden burst of noise from the river below notified the girls of their mistake. All three sabers were gone.

“Enough of this!” Alara shouted. “It’s not going to get anywhere!” She picked herself up from the ground and dusted herself off.

“You may be without your sabers, but I still have blades I can use to scratch you into shape!” Rasilvenaira sprung up from the ground and pulled her double-bladed dagger from its sheath.

“I don’t need my sabers to finish you,” Alara smirked virulently, “They just make the battle scene cleaner for me when they sear your skin. It seems as though you prefer the messy way; one which I’ll grant you!” Alara launched herself towards a hunk of ruined pillar and bounded towards her challenger once again.

Qyreia Arronen, 21 March, 2017 2:32 AM UTC

Syntax

[...]as the xanthous and silver collided in color.

Not a detractor, but I would caution against using such obscure vocabulary. If “average Joe reader” has to look up a synonym for yellow just to understand what was meant, it breaks the flow of the story immensely.

Series of crashes and bursting sounds echoed through the canyon around the two women from their consistent raps towards each other.

The phrasing here is rather awkward, though technically understandable. “A series of crashes” and “consistent strikes,” or some other synonym for the latter, would have better served you.

[...]and groaned.However[...]

Don’t forget your spacing after the periods. Minor typo.

Realism

The Sith stumbled back with a yell, heaved her chest in deeply for air, and then charged once again towards Alara with an exhaled holler.

Congratulations! You’ve earned the first realism error of the match! Not only have you thus far ignored Ras’ Dirty Fighter Aspect, but she is also an Ataru (and Makashi) adherent. The display here is definitely not Ataru (or Makashi). This counts as a major detractor.

She managed to slam the Battlelord to the ground, but not before she herself was tripped down towards a pile of debris by Rasilvenaira’s own foot.

Pardonfrack? How do you even get there? It for-dang-sure wasn’t because of Ras’ non-existent Martial Arts skill, and given Alara’s Athletics and training in Sliding Hands (which emphasizes balance), I find this unlikely and more a forced situation for a shift in the fight. Minor detractor.

Synopsis

For as much writing as was put into this, I rather expected a bit more substance. The plot devolved into pure combat and cliche dialogue, with the setting playing very little role, save for the loss of the lightsabers. Realism also suffered because of the push for more simplified combat over following the individual styles and keeping to the dramatized action. Syntax was a minor issue that could be fixed with… well, a little less reliance on a thesaurus. Never thought I’d say that.

Rasilvenaira circled warily, the double-bladed dagger resting easily in her hand, ready and waiting. She watched the Aedile and as the girl burst into motion with her charge. The Battlelord dove to the side and tucked into a controlled roll before shifting into a low crouch. A small smile flickered across the Sith's lips as she let herself sink deep into the tide of the Force as it ebbed and flowed around them. Her mind tugged at a fist sized piece of rubble two yards behind and to the left of the Mystic, causing it to scrape and thump against the stone ground. Rasilvenaira twisted the Force around that piece of rubble, letting it briefly wear the guise of something far more dangerous- one of the venomous snakes common to the area.

Alara spared a quick glance at the sound, the the half-Sephi's eyes widened and she growled under her breath as she turned to strike out at the serpent. The rage that fueled her, drove her, also for that split instant clouded her mind and blinded her to the truth. Too late that realization came as the illusion faded. Alara felt the Battlelord's double-bladed dagger rake across her back from the right shoulder to the left hip. The Aedile cried out in pain and fury as she whirled back to face Rasilvenaira.

The Sith had moved swiftly out of arm's reach of the now furious half-Sephi after delivering the slash to her exposed back. The older woman grinned- a cold, malicious grin. Rasilvenaira was toying with her opponent. She rarely entered combat by choice without having some knowledge of the person she planned to fight. The young Aedile's berserker tendencies would become her ultimate undoing as the Battlelord played with her opponent.

“Never turn your back on a predator, child.” The Battlelord's strangely calm voice taunted the younger woman with the lesson.

The Mystic narrowed her eyes and lunged at the Sith, seeking to get her hands on Rasilvenaira, to crush her. Her right hand closed on the Battlelord's left upper arm as the woman started to move sideways and yanked hard, attempting to pull the Sith off her feet. Rasilvenaira hit the ground hard, giving a low grunt of pain before she quickly flipped back up to her feet, and aimed a kick at the Aedile's forward leg just above the knee. The Sith pressed her attack and struck out again with the double-bladed dagger, seeking to cut across the half-Sephi's midsection as the girl closed in on her.

Alara clenched her jaw, and twisted to avoid the blade's strike. She retaliated with a vicious punch aimed for the Battlelord's face. She was determined to keep the tide of battle in her favor and refused to let up on the Sith. The Mystic reached a foot out, hooking Rasilvenaira's leg and knocking her off balance. Rasilvenaira growled as she landed hard on the ground again and the dagger was knocked from her grasp. Alara forced the older woman to defend herself against the flurry of enraged blows that rained down on her as the Aedile sought to pummel her into the ancient stone beneath them.

Rasilvenaira fended off the blows, though many hit home. She reached out one hand, her dark eyes having spotted her double-bladed dagger. Focusing all her will on the blade she called it back to her. As Alara's hands closed around Rasilvenaira's throat the older Sith's hand closed around the hilt of her weapon and she bared her teeth in a feral grin as she plunged the blade deep into the Aedile's chest before kicking the half-Sephi off her. The Battlelord regained her feet, wincing and somewhat shaken from the beating but her dark eyes still held a fierce defiance.

“Consider your lesson learned, if you survive.” Rasilvenaira turned and slowly began to leave the arena.

Qyreia Arronen, 21 March, 2017 3:07 AM UTC

Syntax

[...]the the half-Sephi's eyes[...]

Minor typo here with double “the.”

Story

“Never turn your back on a predator, child.”

Is there an academy for “Sithspit-grade insults and how to use them in combat”? Because that is the extent of the story outside of the fighting at this point, and it is exceptionally cliche by now.

“Consider your lesson learned, if you survive.” Rasilvenaira turned and slowly began to leave the arena.

...That’s it? No closure? No actual reason for their presence or for the fight? Just stabbin’ each other for fun then. Mkay.

Realism

[...]one of the venomous snakes common to the area.

I didn’t realise Ras was so familiar with this area that she could manifest a local bit of fauna. I also didn’t realize there were venomous snakes here, since the venue details mentioned nothing about them. Between these two points, I’m counting this as a minor detractor.

Focusing all her will on the blade she called it back to her.

Ras has a whopping +2 to Telekinesis (With an effort of will, the Jedi can concentrate for a second to freely manipulate multiple objects of varying shapes and sizes when not under duress.) That bit about “when not under duress” and “for a second” are very important. Ras is getting her butt beat at this point in the plot. If she manages to see anything at all, it’s knuckles. Luckily for you, this is only a minor detractor.

Synopsis

Somehow, there was even less overarching plot here than there was in your first post. Syntax was still pretty solid, but that really didn’t do much for the rest of the narrative. Stereotypical dialogue aside, there needs to be more than just combat to effect a good story. Unfortunately, that’s all there was in this post.

Alara met contact with Rasilvenaira quickly and gave her a swift punch to the gut. However, this act did not go unpunished. The Battlelord was swift in marking and x-shaped wound on the Mystic’s shoulder, tearing both flesh and fabric. Alara growled and swatted Rasilvenaira’s hand away while kicking her to the ground. Already left wheezing from the last hit to the gut, Rasilvenaira stumbled to keep her footing and fell flat on her tail end. With a grumble of frustration, the Battlelord raised her favored hand towards Alara and summoned a veil to fall upon her oppressor’s eyes. Instantly the Aedile’s vision grew blackened. She had once prided herself in her efficient night seeing, but this was a haze too thick for even a half-Sephi’s sight. Alara cried out in worry and fear as she stumbled over rock and debris. Her pointed ears warned her of a larger knife’s release from its sheath. Laughter reverberated in her ear drums ever so loudly. Alara desperately rushed her hands to her wars as a way to muffle the cackles.

“STOP! STOP GETTING IN MY HEAD!” Alara screamed and struggled to keep her stature. Having nothing else to bank on, the Aedile beckoned the universe to help her. It answered by giving her supernatural instinct. She felt Rasilvenaira’s presence as if she was touching her. The Battlelord was already strategically positioned behind Alara’s back, ready to strike. With a roar, the Mystic caught Rasilvenaira’s hand in the air with her right swing and gave the Battlelord a blow to the face with her augmented left. The Shadow stumbled backwards to lean on a pillar after punishing Alara yet again with a slice on her chiseled profile. In efforts to see once more, the Marauder clipped her blaster pistol off of her belt and shot it straight in the air. Her attempt was to no avail. She felt a hand knock the rifle from her hand, though she didn’t see where the weapon fell. Impulse immediately caused the Aedile to step to the left which aided her to just miss the swipe of a knife.

As she tried to focus on what had happened before her, Alara’s amber eyes illuminated with the light of day once more. Pupils dilated and focused onto Rasilvenaira, who was already poised for her next strike. With a quick bend in her knees, Alara exerted herself forward and tackled Rasilvenaira to the ground. As the two fell together, they realized rather quickly how close they were to the edge of the arena’s platform. The pair shrieked in fear as they attempted to scramble away from the dooming ravine. With huffs of frustration, the two women spun and somersaulted, still clinging to each other in hopes of either gaining height over one another or throwing their opponent off the platform. They still tried to wound each other, Alara with her own fists and Rasilvenaira with her knife she still clung to.

The Battlelord managed to get her armed hand free and stabbed it into Alara’s shoulder. Alara’s scream of anguish only seemed to fuel Rasilvenaira’s predatory demeanor. She dug into the half-Sephi’s shoulder further and began to laugh maniacally at her pain. Once the tears continuously streamed down the blonde’s face, the brunette chucked her over her shoulder and down into the ravine. With her last bit of strength, Alara grasped onto Rasilvenaira’s hood and pulled her down to join her in death. Despite her striving to catch hold of the rocky platform, Rasilvenaira’s screams made it evident that Alara was successful. Alara’s amber eyes, still tearing up at the corners, closed in acceptance of what would happen next.

I’m sorry Jorm… I wasn’t strong enough.

She flicked her eyes open once again to see the flailing and fearful screaming of her combatant.

At least I defeated her after she defeated me.

Blood, water, mist, and the damp air around them enveloped Alara’s lungs as she drew her last breath. The world faded into a wet, light azure.

Qyreia Arronen, 21 March, 2017 3:29 AM UTC

Syntax

[...]swift in marking and x-shaped wound [...]

I believe you mean “an x-shaped wound.” Minor typo.

Alara desperately rushed her hands to her wars as a way to muffle the cackles.

Another typo, here “wars” should be “ears.”

Story

It answered by giving her supernatural instinct.

That’s not what Sense is or does. Beyond that, this is a very blunt way of referring to the aforementioned Force power, although the writing makes it sound more like some sort of donation from the universe rather than a trained skill.

Blood, water, mist, and the damp air around them enveloped Alara’s lungs as she drew her last breath. The world faded into a wet, light azure.

An interesting means to an ending here. Not my particular cup of tea, but it offers closure to the conflict and the overarching plot (what little there was of it).

Realism

Her pointed ears warned her of a larger knife’s release from its sheath.

What “larger knife” is that? Ras only has the one dagger, double-bladed though it is, which has already been used to engage Alara. Minor detractor.

[...]the Marauder clipped her blaster pistol off of her belt[...]

Despite that all you put in the Loadout was “blaster,” your CS shows this as an E-11 blaster rifle. While a point of word choice, it also shows your attention to detail with such items. I’m glad you at least used it, if only to lose the bloody thing. Minor detractor.

Pupils dilated and focused onto Rasilvenaira[...]

Another word choice issue. Pupils dilate in darkness, allowing them to take in more light in order to see. In light, they would contract to compensate for the reduced need. Minor detractor.

Synopsis

The biggest point I saw in this post compared to your first one is that your attention to detail was your undoing. Your vocabulary, refined though it is, was improperly used, and the care toward the characters’ weapons did not help. Make sure you’re keeping track of what’s on the Loadouts (and actually giving full weapon names; not just “blaster”) and what is actually going on with the character biologically.