Battlelord Rasilvenaira Kaishera Nal'Kethar vs. Knight Derek Cinn

Battlelord Rasilvenaira Kaishera Nal'Kethar

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Human, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Knight Derek Cinn

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Marauder
Comment

Rasilvenaira, you had some solids posts overall when it came to syntax, continuity, and realism. Good job. The only area I'd suggest focusing more on is the story itself. Even the second post in a match needs to drive the story further. You didn't do that this time and it hurt you. However, you did finish strongly with a good ending post. Overall, keep me engaged in the story throughout the whole match but you did a nice job saving your story score at the end. I liked the tease at a future match as well.

Derek, you did a wonderful job at the beginning setting up the story. I liked it a lot. Good job. I admit my hopes were raised that you would finish it the story off strong till the end. Unfortunately, that was not the case and it prevented me from elevating your story score higher than a 3. In future, remember to keep me engaged in the story throughout the whole match. Besides story, it was the small things that hurt you. You had one minor realism hit, and your syntax on your last post needed a serious proof. But, overall you presented a nice fight and gave me a reason to like reading the match. Good job.

With the scores tallied, the clear winner is Battlelord Rasilvenaira Kaishera Nal'Kethar. This is a good example of when the small things make all the difference in score, especially when you have even story scores.

Till next time!

Hall Unconventional Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlelord Rasilvenaira Kaishera Nal'Kethar , Knight Derek Cinn
Winner Battlelord Rasilvenaira Kaishera Nal'Kethar
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlelord Rasilvenaira Kaishera Nal'Kethar 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Derek Cinn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dathomir: Desolate Swamps
Last Post 8 March, 2017 12:01 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Sith Eternal Rasilvenaira StormRaven Derek Cinn
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Overall, you did a decent job with your syntax. Nothing distracted me from reading your posts though. Rationale: The first post was okay, but the second needed a serious proof. There were a number of easy to spot mistakes that disrupted the flow of my reading a number of times, particularly the misused words. See the comments on your posts.
Story - 40%
Sith Eternal Rasilvenaira StormRaven Derek Cinn
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Initially, you had little in the way of story, but your final post was well done and provided a good resolution to the story. It also provided a tease towards what might be their next fight. This helped your story score a bunch. Good job. Rationale: You started out strong in your first post. It engaged me as a reader, and it gave me reason to want to read the fight. A good beginning. Unfortunately, your second post was lackluster and this keep your story score from becoming a 4. In future, remember to finish out with a good resolution to the story. Keep me engaged throughout all of it, not just the beginning.
Realism - 25%
Sith Eternal Rasilvenaira StormRaven Derek Cinn
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: There was one minor issue as noted in my comments on your first post. Otherwise, you did a pretty good job.
Continuity - 20%
Sith Eternal Rasilvenaira StormRaven Derek Cinn
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Sith Eternal Rasilvenaira StormRaven's Score: 4.05 Derek Cinn's Score: 3.65
Posts

Dathomir Desolate Swamp

Once, it was the home to the witches of Dathomir, otherwise known as the Nightsisters. Tucked away in from the rest of the galaxy in an isolated cluster, the Nightsisters were able to draw energy from the planet itself, and pursued a type of ritualistic magic. They ruled over the population of Zabarak—Nightbrothers—and used them as a warrior caste to serve their purposes.

Then, the Clone Wars. The Nightsisters were pulled into the conflict due to the machinations of Mother Talzin and her rival Darth Sidious. This ultimately lead to the eradication of the Dathomarians and their settlements. The desolation was claimed by the Confederacy of Independent Systems after the last Nightsiser fell.

Now, the planet known as Dathomir is a haunted skeleton of its former greatness. A perpetual crimson glow coats the planet. The bleak world has become an amalgamation of ruined forest, decrepit swamplands, and withered mountains worn to the sands of time.

In the desolate swamps, faint echoes haunt the graves of the long-dead witches, infusing the green fog that spreads above the damp ground. Dreadful whispers rumoured to be lingering incantations defend the world from intruders. Tall tales and rumors of zombies and ritual sacrifice alluding to grisly flashes of imagery.

The trees, large and misshapen, promise misery to those who touch their tortured bark and open themselves to the memories of the place. Eerie as the voices over the wind, the water beneath the fog appears red and bubbling, as if the land itself were pockmarked in cauldrons of blood to keep the incantations alive.

Creatures unaffected by the purge of the Nightsisters still remain. Snakes, reptiles and insects of varying lethality wander the wasteland. Reports have even said that rancor still roam freely.

This is Dathomir.

The red hued sky seemed to swirl and billow with a faint breeze. This ancient, dark planet was a place most never dared to even come close to. The ancient home of the Nightsisters was now in ruins. The Clone Wars had taken its toll on it but the half destroyed structure still held dark energy that seemed to flow out the stone and permeate the air around it. It was a disturbing feeling that created an impression of hopelessness and death.

Why Derek was here? Even he wasn’t sure. The young Sith was told that he was to meet a senior leader from within House Excidium. Despite his rank of Knight, he was still very much in training. He was constantly sent on missions to test his prowess and expertise. He expected as much, but this planet was different. Dark energy seemed to flow through it incessantly. Derek could feel the power emanating from the core.

“A bit young to be wandering around a place like this,” A voice said from behind him.

Derek spun around to face the figure before him. He removed his helmet revealing his youthful round face, his brown hair falling right above his eyes. “Age is nothing but a number, you of all people should know.” Derek replied with a grin, “What are you? Fifty? Sixty?”

She gave a reluctant smile which fed Derek’s goal in pushing her buttons. Rasilvenaira Kaishera Nal'Kethar was one of the most senior members in the house and highly respected. Somehow Derek himself found the woman in front him almost endearing. The Battlelord shrugged off her cloak and revealed a double bladed dagger on her left hip and the curved hilt of her lightsaber on the right.

“Well if you’re so confident, let’s see what you can do,” she said coldly. Her wry smile contorted into a stoic focused grimace. Her silver blade ignited and gave her face a ghostly glow.

“Nice color, fits you,” Derek said as he slipped his helmet back on. His own silver blade erupted from the emitter of his grey hilt. The two Sith stood transfixed on each other, surrounded by the large claw-like trees curving towards the large opening where they stood. Derek made the first move and charged at the Battlelord in front him. Their white blades clashed against each other ferociously before swinging around to meet again.

The waltz of the blades continued furiously as Derek struggled against the swiftness of his opponent’s attack. They separated for but a moment. He began firing at the Sith below as his jetpack launched him off the cold, soggy ground. She blocked the shots with ease. Frustrated, Derek descended back to the ground to reassess his strategy. The Battlelord seemed impervious to his blaster bolts as they merely deflected off her blade and onto the soft muddy ground.

Derek’s blade ignited again in time to block her attack. Unfortunately he did not see her foot rising up. It slammed into the boy’s groin which caused him to grunt with surprise. His crotch plate took most of the blow, but the force still caused him to stagger backwards. He felt a sudden tug around his stomach and flew back, landing in the shallow swamp behind him with a splash.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 14 March, 2017 5:20 PM UTC

Syntax

‘Red’ modifies ‘hued’ so you should use a hyphen between them.

The red[-]hued sky seemed to swirl and billow with a faint breeze.

Before, you had ‘was’ after ‘Derek’. This made it a statement, rather than a question, but you still had the question mark. If you switch the order of these, it is a correctly structured question.

Why [was] Derek here?

Need comma after an introductory phrase or word.

Unfortunately[,] he did not see her foot rising up.

The words after the quotation mark read as flowing from the same sentence as the spoken words. Therefore, it is treated as the same sentence. This changes the word order a little, as indicated below.

“A bit young to be wandering around a place like this,” [said a] voice from behind him.

Story

Love the layout of the description, painted a nice picture in my mind.

The red hued sky seemed to swirl and billow with a faint breeze. This ancient, dark planet was a place most never dared to even come close to. The ancient home of the Nightsisters was now in ruins. The Clone Wars had taken its toll on it but the half destroyed structure still held dark energy that seemed to flow out the stone and permeate the air around it. It was a disturbing feeling that created an impression of hopelessness and death[...]He expected as much, but this planet was different. Dark energy seemed to flow through it incessantly. Derek could feel the power emanating from the core.

You tell me why you are here. Very nice, and it sets up the story. Good job!

Why Derek was here? Even he wasn’t sure. The young Sith was told that he was to meet a senior leader from within House Excidium. Despite his rank of Knight, he was still very much in training. He was constantly sent on missions to test his prowess and expertise. He expected as much, but this planet was different.

Nice use of aspect, both your own and your opponent’s.

Derek spun around to face the figure before him. He removed his helmet revealing his youthful round face, his brown hair falling right above his eyes. “Age is nothing but a number, you of all people should know.” Derek replied with a grin, “What are you? Fifty? Sixty?” “Well if you’re so confident, let’s see what you can do,” she said coldly. Her wry smile contorted into a stoic focused grimace

Nice description that pulls me into the fight.

The two Sith stood transfixed on each other, surrounded by the large claw-like trees curving towards the large opening where they stood.

Realism

Your opponent’s TK is only at +1. Therefore this tug and flying back has two issues. One, it happens too quickly. Rasilvenaira needs a few seconds of dedicated concentration. Two, TK+1 only lets her lift stuff like boxes, not people. The bigger issue is the timing. Therefore, a realism hit.

Derek’s blade ignited again in time to block her attack. Unfortunately he did not see her foot rising up. It slammed into the boy’s groin which caused him to grunt with surprise. His crotch plate took most of the blow, but the force still caused him to stagger backwards. He felt a sudden tug around his stomach and flew back, landing in the shallow swamp behind him with a splash.

Rasilvenaira chuckled softly as she took a couple steps back. She would let the Knight splash around and get himself out of the swamp on his own. The Battlelord extinguished her lightsaber and took the brief pause in the combat to recenter herself. She took a deep, slow breath and stretched her senses outward. Dathomir was a familiar world. She had walked among the ghosts of the wounded world many times over the years, probing the deepest shadows for the secrets they held. It's constant pulsing, seething energy only fed the feral darkness within her own soul and she drew on that. The Sith wrapped her will around the tenuous tendrils of power that ebbed and flowed through the dismal terrain.

As Derek extricated himself from the muck of the swamp and moved in closer to his opponent he kept his eyes on the older woman. Then suddenly he was engulfed in suffocatingly thick shadow as darkness crept in around him. He knew the Sith was still there, but as he attempted to seek her out, the Battlelord seemed to vanish.

Rasilvenaira had found her moment, but she new she had to act quickly. Maintaining the darkness and keeping the Knight from being able to sense her was a task she couldn't hold for long. Thankfully she didn't need long. She drew her double-bladed dagger as she moved, and struck swiftly. The vicious blade found the weak spot between the joints of Derek's armor and sank deeply into his right shoulder. Yanking the blade out roughly, the Battlelord dropped her focus on the Force as she planted solid kick to the Knight's hip. She moved swiftly out of range of any retaliation he might attempt as the red gloom of the desolate planet returned to normal.

The Sith's dark eyes studied the boy. “You don't belong here, kid.”

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 14 March, 2017 5:21 PM UTC

Syntax

I think you used the wrong word by accident. It should be ‘knew’. ‘New’ doesn’t make any sense in this context.

Rasilvenaira had found her moment, but she [k]new she had to act quickly.

Missing an article in front of ‘solid kick’.

Yanking the blade out roughly, the Battlelord dropped her focus on the Force as she planted [a] solid kick to the Knight's hip.

Repetition of the word ‘world’. I would suggest mixing it up with some synonyms.

Dathomir was a familiar world. She had walked among the ghosts of the wounded world many times over the years, probing the deepest shadows for the secrets they held.

Unnecessary comma after ‘move’. The second sentence has the same subject and there are only two items attached with the word ‘and.

She drew her double-bladed dagger as she moved and struck swiftly.

Story

You tease this, but don’t tell me anything else. Now I want to know, how does this contribute to the story? What does it mean? Why is it important? How does it build on the story Derek started to tell in his first post? You need to dig a bit deeper with this line to make it useful.

Dathomir was a familiar world. She had walked among the ghosts of the wounded world many times over the years, probing the deepest shadows for the secrets they held.

Nice way to describe using Force powers. I like it.

The Sith wrapped her will around the tenuous tendrils of power that ebbed and flowed through the dismal terrain. Yanking the blade out roughly, the Battlelord dropped her focus on the Force as she planted solid kick to the Knight's hip. She moved swiftly out of range of any retaliation he might attempt as the red gloom of the desolate planet returned to normal.

The pain surged through Derek’s shoulder and his crimson blood was flowing out of the wounded. He winced in pain as he touched the lacerated skin under his arm and his breathing quickened. He focused on the wound and the pain subsided to a dull throb. His breathing slowed down and he looked up to the Sith in front of him. His gloved left hand grasped the gray hilt of his lightsaber and ignited it.

“I’ll show you who doesn’t belong,” The Knight said with a furious grimace.

He stood up, sending ripples throughout the placid pond. Derek’s angry now pulsated within him and an inferno had come ablaze in his eyes. He charged at her swinging wildly. She sidestepped each blow with grace before landing a swift kick to his chest. He fell to the moist muddy ground. His armor was now filthy, it's original paint almost completely hidden under the caked mud that now covered it.

With a sudden sense of danger, Derek raised his saber and braced it against his injured arm. The Battlelord’s silver blade met Derek’s and it crackled vehemently. They separated and Rasilvenaira laughed at the exhausted young boy before her.

“You don’t know when to give up now do you?” She said in mild surprise. Derek didn’t reply and instead focused on the fury that was building inside of him.

He charged again and his opponent raised her blade but Derek froze, His saber now clipped to his belt, he raised his hand the swamp seemed to turn a dark shade of blue. The lightning slammed into the Sith’s silver blade. Her steeled face focused on the stream of energy that flowed from Derek’s fingertips.

Just as suddenly it had started, it stopped. Follow the intense barrage, the Battlelord sensed the shot too late. A blaster bolt and slammed into her thigh. She grunted furiously and clutched her thigh where her clothes were no smoldering slightly. She looked up at Derek who had fallen to his knees and a mixture of dark brown sediment and blood coated the right side of his armor. His vision blurred before it went black. He collapsed into the sludge in front of him, unconscious from blood loss.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 14 March, 2017 5:23 PM UTC

Syntax

The word ‘wounded’ makes no sense here. I believe you meant ‘wound.

The pain surged through Derek’s shoulder and his crimson blood was flowing out of the wound.

The words after the quotation mark read as flowing from the same sentence as the spoken words. Therefore, it is treated as the same sentence. This possibly changes the word order a little, as indicated below.

“I’ll show you who doesn’t belong,” [said t]he Knight with a furious grimace. “You don’t know when to give up now do you?” [s]he said in mild surprise.

The word ‘angry’ makes no sense here. I believe you meant ‘anger’.

Derek’s ang[er] now pulsated within him and an inferno had come ablaze in his eyes.

This is an awkward sentence. I’d suggest either adding a comma, as shown below or writing something like ‘He charged at her as he swung wildly’.

He charged at her[,] swinging wildly.

The correct use is ‘its’ here to show possession of the paint.

His armor was now filthy, [its] original paint almost completely hidden under the caked mud that now covered it.

Run on sentence. You can fix this by putting a period as indicated. You are also missing a conjunction.

He charged again and his opponent raised her blade but Derek froze[.] His saber now clipped to his belt, he raised his hand [and] the swamp seemed to turn a dark shade of blue.

Tense correction.

Follow[ing] the intense barrage, the Battlelord sensed the shot too late.

A few things wrong with this excerpt. One, the word ‘and’ after ‘blaster bolt’ made no sense. Removing it fixes the issue. Two, the word ‘no’ doesn’t make sense there. I’d suggest removing it or using a word such as ‘still’

A blaster bolt slammed into her thigh. She grunted furiously and clutched her thigh where her clothes were [still] smoldering slightly.

The article ‘a’ works better as ‘the’ in this sentence. In addition, you need the word ‘that’ before ‘coated’. Otherwise, the sentence is very awkward. Lastly, ‘who had fallen to his knees’ is extra info and should be put in parentheses.

She looked up at Derek[,] who had fallen to his knees[,] and [the] mixture of dark brown sediment and blood [that] coated the right side of his armor.

Story

Why does Derek get so mad? Your aspects don’t tell me this so I am left to guess as a reader. This doesn’t help the flow and understanding of the story.

Derek didn’t reply and instead focused on the fury that was building inside of him.

This isn’t a ding but as a suggestion, you should be a bit more clear as to when you sheath and unsheath your lightsaber. The excerpt below had me asking “what did I miss?” as I reread it several times to try to connect the dots as to how it quickly ended up on your belt.

With a sudden sense of danger, Derek raised his saber and braced it against his injured arm. The Battlelord’s silver blade met Derek’s and it crackled vehemently. They separated and Rasilvenaira laughed at the exhausted young boy before her.

“You don’t know when to give up now do you?” She said in mild surprise. Derek didn’t reply and instead focused on the fury that was building inside of him.

He charged again and his opponent raised her blade but Derek froze, His saber now clipped to his belt, he raised his hand the swamp seemed to turn a dark shade of blue. The lightning slammed into the Sith’s silver blade. Her steeled face focused on the stream of energy that flowed from Derek’s fingertips.

Derek staggered a couple steps before dropping to his knees. He slouched over, breathing more rapidly as the pain etched itself in the tense expression on his face. His saber dropped to the withered grass as his arm momentarily refused to obey his wishes. The young Knight glanced up to see the Battlelord's mirthless grin as she began to circle around him. He swallowed hard, forcing the pain to the back of his mind. Derek knew he had to push on, there was no backing down now. He reached a shaky hand out to grasp his lightsaber once more. The Journeyman used his uninjured left hand to steady himself as he got back to his feet. Derek glared at the Sith, his bright emerald eyes flashed with youthful defiance. He held his lightsaber ready as he faced Rasilvenaira.

The Battlelord circled counterclockwise, forcing the boy into a defensive position. Rasilvenaira's movements were slow and deliberate, like a predator stalking its prey. The young Knight was outmatched and he knew it. But as her dark eyes studied him, she did find herself admiring him, not that she'd ever admit such a thing openly. Rasilvenaira saw something of herself in him- the bold, defiant glare and grim determination in his stance. She had been there once, long ago.

“To ones such as this, shall the torch of our glory be passed.” The Sith thought to herself with a chuckle.

“What's so funny?” Derek growled as he continued to move in an attempt to keep his opponent in sight.

The Equite grinned and stopped moving. “Is that really the best you've got, kid?”

Rasilvenaira's keen dark eyes noticed the slight twitch in the boy's body as he wanted to lunge at her, but held himself back. She switched her double-bladed dagger to her left hand before firmly gripping it again as she sprang into motion. Derek attempted to meet the oncoming attack as he brought his saber up and aimed a diagonal strike toward the older woman's midsection. The Battlelord twisted her body sideways at the last possible second. Her right hand drew her lightsaber and the silver blade ignited to push the Knight's blade away.

Derek scrambled back as the impact jarred his injured shoulder. The Battlelord's molten silver blade arced toward him again as the Sith closed in on him. He raised his own argent blade only to wince sharply as a pained gasp escaped him and the muscles in his arm quivered. Suddenly the terrain seemed to conspire against him as well as an uneven indention in the ground caused him to falter, losing his balance. He hit the ground hard with a thud and looked up to see the gleaming silver blade of the Battlelord only inches from his throat. The boy swallowed hard, but lifted his chin defiantly as his emerald eyes met her obsidian gaze.

With a cryptic shrug, Rasilvenaira extinguished her saber and turned her back on the Knight as she sheathed her weapons. Derek stared as the Sith seemed to fade once more into the gloom and shadows of the wounded planet.

“Not bad, for a beginner, but you'll need to do better or next time you will die.” Her voice broke the brief silence.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 14 March, 2017 5:24 PM UTC

Syntax

For thoughts, do not use the quotation marks. In addition, the second clause depends on the first and is awkward by itself. I’d suggest putting them together as indicated.

To ones such as this, shall the torch of our glory be passed[,] [t]he Sith thought to herself with a chuckle.

The dialogue reads awkwardly. Your second clause should follow from the dialogue, rather than use a full stop and then a new sentence. Or you could remove the narrative piece entirely.

“Not bad, for a beginner, but you'll need to do better or next time you will die[,]” [h]er voice broke the brief silence.

#Story

A nice addition to the story. I like how you closed the loop on what Derek had started in his initial post. You make your character’s reactions and purpose clear. You provide a nice resolution. Good job.

But as her dark eyes studied him, she did find herself admiring him, not that she'd ever admit such a thing openly. Rasilvenaira saw something of herself in him- the bold, defiant glare and grim determination in his stance. She had been there once, long ago. “To ones such as this, shall the torch of our glory be passed.” The Sith thought to herself with a chuckle. “Not bad, for a beginner, but you'll need to do better or next time you will die.” Her voice broke the brief silence.