Once, it was the home to the witches of Dathomir, otherwise known as the Nightsisters. Tucked away in from the rest of the galaxy in an isolated cluster, the Nightsisters were able to draw energy from the planet itself, and pursued a type of ritualistic magic. They ruled over the population of Zabarak—Nightbrothers—and used them as a warrior caste to serve their purposes.
Then, the Clone Wars. The Nightsisters were pulled into the conflict due to the machinations of Mother Talzin and her rival Darth Sidious. This ultimately lead to the eradication of the Dathomarians and their settlements. The desolation was claimed by the Confederacy of Independent Systems after the last Nightsiser fell.
Now, the planet known as Dathomir is a haunted skeleton of its former greatness. A perpetual crimson glow coats the planet. The bleak world has become an amalgamation of ruined forest, decrepit swamplands, and withered mountains worn to the sands of time.
In the desolate swamps, faint echoes haunt the graves of the long-dead witches, infusing the green fog that spreads above the damp ground. Dreadful whispers rumoured to be lingering incantations defend the world from intruders. Tall tales and rumors of zombies and ritual sacrifice alluding to grisly flashes of imagery.
The trees, large and misshapen, promise misery to those who touch their tortured bark and open themselves to the memories of the place. Eerie as the voices over the wind, the water beneath the fog appears red and bubbling, as if the land itself were pockmarked in cauldrons of blood to keep the incantations alive.
Creatures unaffected by the purge of the Nightsisters still remain. Snakes, reptiles and insects of varying lethality wander the wasteland. Reports have even said that rancor still roam freely.
This is Dathomir.
Syntax
‘Red’ modifies ‘hued’ so you should use a hyphen between them.
Before, you had ‘was’ after ‘Derek’. This made it a statement, rather than a question, but you still had the question mark. If you switch the order of these, it is a correctly structured question.
Need comma after an introductory phrase or word.
The words after the quotation mark read as flowing from the same sentence as the spoken words. Therefore, it is treated as the same sentence. This changes the word order a little, as indicated below.
Story
Love the layout of the description, painted a nice picture in my mind.
You tell me why you are here. Very nice, and it sets up the story. Good job!
Nice use of aspect, both your own and your opponent’s.
Nice description that pulls me into the fight.
Realism
Your opponent’s TK is only at +1. Therefore this tug and flying back has two issues. One, it happens too quickly. Rasilvenaira needs a few seconds of dedicated concentration. Two, TK+1 only lets her lift stuff like boxes, not people. The bigger issue is the timing. Therefore, a realism hit.