Savant Kelly Mendes vs. Knight Thorn

Savant Kelly Mendes

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Human, Force Disciple, Seeker
vs.

Knight Thorn

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Zabrak, Sith, Shadow
Comment

You guys are both mostly on point with Realism and Continuity, but I have some general comments about Story and Syntax.

For Syntax, always get a proofreader for your posts. Get two if you can. Get people who are solid with grammar and writing overall. Kelly, you were generally good except for issues with where to break up or not break up clauses. Keep an eye out for that and ask around in Telegram if you're not sure. Thorn, your issues were a bit more general. Take a look at the feedback for this match. Don't just have your proofer magic away the errors; have them make suggestions in a gdoc so you can see what they're doing and ask questions until you understand it. It'll make you a better writer, I promise.

I don't get to grade unleashed matches often - I think this might be my second, if that - so it was a interesting change of pace. Sort of. The idea of the unleashed setting is to amp things up to an almost absurd level by giving each of you roughly a dozen powers at Elder level. Thorn made mention of the weirdly strong Force aura on Dathomir in his first post, but it was more or less ignored after that.

More generally, the conflict was pretty generic. They both came her because it was the venue and then they fought because they were both there and then we don't really know what consequences, if any, affected them. Think of it this way: if someone swapped your character out with a different Sith, how different would the fight be? The Luke/Vader duel in ESB is one of the best in the franchise, even though the fight choreography isn't anything amazing. Why? Because there's a lot riding on that fight. We know why Luke is committing to a battle he's set to lose, we learn why Vader has forced him into it, and we know by the end that this is going to have real consequences for both of them.

Anyway, I'll step off my soapbox now and deliver the final verdict. This was a fairly close match, but due to superior polish, Kelly Mendes is the winner! Congrats, Kelly, and good work to both of you. I hope to see another match from you soon.

Alethia Archenksova
Judge

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Kelly Mendes, Knight Thorn
Winner Savant Kelly Mendes
Force Setting Unleashed
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Kelly Mendes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Thorn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dathomir: Desolate Swamps
Last Post 17 April, 2017 7:11 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Several errors, generally minor, but numerous enough to be distracting. Rationale: Several errors, but they all boiled down to the same punctuation issue.
Story - 40%
Deleted Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: See match comments. Rationale: See match comments.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: One fairly minor error and a borderline item. Rationale: One error in each post.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors that I spotted. Rationale: No errors that I noted.
Deleted's Score: 3.65 Dr. Giyana Jurro's Score: 3.8
Posts

Dathomir Desolate Swamp

Once, it was the home to the witches of Dathomir, otherwise known as the Nightsisters. Tucked away in from the rest of the galaxy in an isolated cluster, the Nightsisters were able to draw energy from the planet itself, and pursued a type of ritualistic magic. They ruled over the population of Zabarak—Nightbrothers—and used them as a warrior caste to serve their purposes.

Then, the Clone Wars. The Nightsisters were pulled into the conflict due to the machinations of Mother Talzin and her rival Darth Sidious. This ultimately lead to the eradication of the Dathomarians and their settlements. The desolation was claimed by the Confederacy of Independent Systems after the last Nightsiser fell.

Now, the planet known as Dathomir is a haunted skeleton of its former greatness. A perpetual crimson glow coats the planet. The bleak world has become an amalgamation of ruined forest, decrepit swamplands, and withered mountains worn to the sands of time.

In the desolate swamps, faint echoes haunt the graves of the long-dead witches, infusing the green fog that spreads above the damp ground. Dreadful whispers rumoured to be lingering incantations defend the world from intruders. Tall tales and rumors of zombies and ritual sacrifice alluding to grisly flashes of imagery.

The trees, large and misshapen, promise misery to those who touch their tortured bark and open themselves to the memories of the place. Eerie as the voices over the wind, the water beneath the fog appears red and bubbling, as if the land itself were pockmarked in cauldrons of blood to keep the incantations alive.

Creatures unaffected by the purge of the Nightsisters still remain. Snakes, reptiles and insects of varying lethality wander the wasteland. Reports have even said that rancor still roam freely.

This is Dathomir.

Even with his full armor on, Thorn let out an involuntary shiver. Yet it was not the cold, but the very place known as Dathomir. At his home planet of Korriban, this place was something of a legend and a nightmare. Frightening tales were told of undead witches, zombies, fearsome creatures and much more. One had to come to to believe all that. Even to a disbeliever, just breathing the atmosphere was mind-numbing.

A carcass of some kind of lizard lay at his feet, its head blown open by his sniper. He had to kill it on his way down.

Thorn was here for something he had kept secret from everyone, even his own Clan-mates. Dathomir suddenly showed a surge in the Force for some unknown reason. Whether it was due to some Force-sensitive creature there or whether it was due to the very nature of the place, he took it upon himself to investigate. What he found was something else...

It was hard to explain. The moment he reached the surface, he could feel the Force stronger than he had ever felt. It was electrifying yet somehow soothing. It gave him strength and powers he had never had!

And that's when he saw it. Another flying over and coming to land not far from where he was. Most likely, Thorn was not the only one to have made the discovery.


He had touched down an hour ago on the top of the most suitable vantage point in the area. It was hard to get up there on foot. Lucky for him he had his jetpack. The slopes were almost vertical! What made this mountain was that it gave him a nice commanding view of the entire crimson vista of dead marshes, cliffs, rocks and patches of forests. This gave him the advantage of covering almost every side.

"Yes...it'll do nicely."

He set up his equipment overlooking the face of the cliff. Squatting down he took of his helmet and put it to a side. He quickly activated his advanced scanner, waiting for any movement 300 meters around him. If anything comes within this range...well, it just shouldn't. Next, he prepared his Sniper Pulse Cannon, having a commanding view of everything below. Now all he needed to do was locate who ever had landed. He wondered about the use his heightened Sense power. It almost guaranteed finding his foe, it the person was Force sensitive. However, it came with a downside. It also meant that his foe could sense him, and his location.

Exhaling slowly several times very slowly, he tapped into the living Dark Side of the Force around him. Feeding off it, he searched for his foe without much effort. Surprisingly, he found her presence 4 km from his position. As he concentrated slightly on the task, his eyes widened in surprise. This for was stronger than him.

He sneered with a growing disdain and hate! The same Dark Side that made him stronger will do the same for her, perhaps even more so! Worse still, she detected his gaze and using his own power against him, detected his position. He knew now who his adversary was! Keeping a distance was most wise.

Thorn could not do anything more from his position though. He decided to bide his time. He waited till his target came at least 2 km near his position. Then he immediately when to stealth mode. Using he Force itself, he cloaked his strength in the Dark Side along with his vantage position! Although he could not see her, the Dark Side had told him which direction his target was approaching from. The scope of his sniper did the rest. Though his foe was approaching stealthily, he had her in his sights...

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 25 April, 2017 6:57 PM UTC

Syntax:
Made this mountain what? It seems like you're missing a word here.

What made this mountain was that it gave him a nice commanding view of the entire crimson vista of dead marshes, cliffs, rocks and patches of forests.

This should probably be a thought, indicated with italics. It doesn't really fit as part of the narrative.

If anything comes within this range...well, it just shouldn't.

The name of the weapon shouldn't be capitalized unless it's a unique name. So 'Excalibur' gets caps, but 'sniper rifle' doesn't.

Next, he prepared his Sniper Pulse Cannon, having a commanding view of everything below.

Another missing word. Additionally, see the ACC Guide for examples of how to write about Force powers.

He wondered about the use [of] his heightened Sense power.

Just some style advice: take it a little easier on the exclamation points. They're like seasoning in food. It's good to have some, but it gets off-putting if you over-do it.

He sneered with a growing disdain and hate!

A typo.

He waited till his target came at least 2 km near his position. Then he immediately [went] to stealth mode.

Story:
First off, I like how you addressed the unusual surge in Force ability both characters get as part of an Unleashed match. The thing that isn't clear to me is how or why Thorn is the only one in Taldryan to detect this.

Thorn was here for something he had kept secret from everyone, even his own Clan-mates. Dathomir suddenly showed a surge in the Force for some unknown reason.

It's definitely good that you established a reason for both Thorn and Kelly to be here, but it doesn't really drive the action at all.

Realism:
I'm not sure why. Kelly can sense Thorn already, the exact same way he's sensing her. I could see how throwing crazy amounts of power around with Lightning or Telekinesis could make you more conspicuous, but just having a little look around should affect things much - especially when both people have Sense at +5.

He wondered about the use of his heightened Sense power. It almost guaranteed finding his foe, it the person was Force sensitive. However, it came with a downside. It also meant that his foe could sense him, and his location.

Under the dark red skies of Dathomir, Kelly Mendes was cruising on her speeder. Sent to the planet to investigate rumours of an increased Dark Side presence, the Blade of the Fallen had certainly noticed it. There was something about the raw, unadulterated energy in the air that seemed to heighten her abilities. Rumours indicated that other clans would also be sending scouts to Dathomir, to observe for themselves. There was a desire within Kelly to meet one of these individuals, to see how much of an improvement the residual Dark Side energy offered. If it went well, the planet could be a place to bring recruits to give them a taste of the power they could earn through hard work and dedication.

Thorn could see his target, if only she would stop moving, he could get rid of her and get back to scouring the planet for the object he desired. It would hopefully not be picked up by anyone else; he had the gut feeling that he would have to fight the Human who was roaming the plains below. The Zabrak figured he could take her if his performance were one of his best, which they usually were. He could see her enter the range of his rifle. Aiming carefully, he fired a shot designed to neutralise the speeder. It was successful, though the rider had leapt from it and was a hair’s length from having the bolt crash into her her helmet. As it was, she was safe, for now at least.

Kelly looked back at her speeder; it wouldn’t be able to take her back to her ship. So, for now, she was stuck out in the open, defenceless. Quickly remedying that, she drew out her lightsaber and activated the blade. The cobalt hilt was placed above her head in her preferred hand, with the blade pointing to the north, towards the nearby mountain. Her right hand faced the mountain also, and the Human curled her fingers towards herself, daring her assailant to come down and fight her like a real warrior. The figure on the mountains didn’t move. Focusing on the silhouette, the Aedile knew it was a user of the Force, despite his cowardly choice of weapon.

Searching deeper, the Plagueian found an overall dark presence, though it had been in contact with some contaminant. Returning her focus to the physical world, she saw the figure had moved. Kelly turned her feet slowly to put herself in a position to defend from any further blaster fire. As expected, the shots came, though by twisting and turning her arm rapidly, the Savant ensured no harm came from them. While it was easy for now, any chance of victory depended on getting the Taldryanite down from the mountain. A reluctance to engage her in this manner suggested a lack of ability or overconfidence in his ability from range.

Thorn was less than pleased. The Knight hadn’t managed to deal with the annoyance from range; it was almost as if she had been able to see his attacks coming. Giving her time between his attacks was perhaps not the best idea, but it was his way of fighting. It appeared like he needed a plan B. How could he gain power over this opponent? There had to be something; nobody was unbeatable. Maybe he could take advantage of the power Dathomir seemed to offer;. His elevated viewpoint was at least keeping him out of harm’s way for now. He had time to formulate a plan without having to worry about being attacked.

Deciding his best plan of attack would be to meet the annoyance face to face and then retreat to safety if things got too bad for him. Activating his jetpack, Thorn made a controlled descent placing him with his back to the mountain. He looked at his opponent; it was likely a woman, a rather weird looking helmet obscured his view. Somewhat reluctantly, the Taldryanite drew his lightsaber and pressed his thumb into the activation button. The red blade sharply emerged and was flung with pure aggression in the direction of the opposition. Sparks flew as the blades met. The taller combatant, seeking to end the contest quickly, continued his powerful assault. Marching forward with every strike parried, it was a textbook example of offence against the defence of the mysterious individual. The Shadow assumed he would win, but what did his foe think?

Karking Sithspit, he was stupid enough to come down and face me. Still, I guess he could just be ignorant and not know who I am, House Ajunta Pall’s Aedile thought to herself. She inaudibly chuckled at the very idea. Her feet were instinctively moving backwards, forcing the aggressive opposition to close the gap before he could almost hit her again. Luckily, she had known such a style was, from a physical standpoint was more demanding as well as mentally taxing. All the Seeker had to do was survive long enough for the much taller and heavier fighter to wear himself out and show an opening before she would take advantage of it.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 26 April, 2017 4:00 PM UTC

Syntax:
This sentence was lacking a conjugated verb.

[He decided] his best plan of attack would be to meet the annoyance face to face and then retreat to safety if things got too bad for him.

These were two thoughts that needed separated. I added a conjunction, but you could just as easily changed the comma to a semicolon and made "He looked at his opponent" its own sentence.

He looked at his opponent; it was likely a woman, [but] a rather weird looking helmet obscured his view.

Minor typo

Maybe he could take advantage of the power Dathomir seemed to offer;.

This sentence needed a little tweaking, since it seemed to stop and restart.

Luckily, she had known such a style was, from a physical standpoint[, ] more demanding as well as mentally taxing.

Story:
From a story standpoint, the big challenge you had to deal with was transitioning from a long range sniper scenario where your character couldn't do anything interesting to a melee fight where both characters could act. It was pretty much inevitable that you'd contradict Thorn's combat aspects a little, but you provided a good justification for that: Thorn has a lot of power that he's not used to, and his preferred techniques aren't working.

Realism:
I'm not seeing a justification for this. Kelly doesn't have Precognition or any Feats that would help her. Remember, "Powers on each combatant's Character Sheet may be used at the level of "Master (+5)", regardless of a character’s Force power level. Powers not on the Sheet cannot be used, including formerly available clan/order powers."

Aiming carefully, he fired a shot designed to neutralise the speeder. It was successful, though the rider had leapt from it and was a hair’s length from having the bolt crash into her her helmet. As it was, she was safe, for now at least.

The Knight hadn’t managed to deal with the annoyance from range; it was almost as if she had been able to see his attacks coming.

Continuity:
Not a ding, but something to keep in mind. Thorn is under the impression that he's the only one in his clan who knows anything about this. That doesn't preclude the other clans having information that leaked out, so it's not an error, but be careful with stuff like this.

Rumours indicated that other clans would also be sending scouts to Dathomir, to observe for themselves.

The surge of power that Dathomir gave him made him too brazen. The woman before him seemed to deflect his bolts easily as breathing! This irritated him greatly. He could not stand up here and keep firing! That would be a stalemate. No. He would fly down there and deal with this nuisance. With the Dark Side aiding him, nothing will stand before him today...

Activating his armored jetback and letting his sniper fall, he glided nonchalantly a distance away from her. His lightsaber glowed an angry glow, almost voicing his indignation and rage.

"Who are you, and why have you come here?" asked Thorn to the lithe but sinister woman in front.

"Oh I"m sorry! Do you live here all by yourself?" She chuckled darkly before spewing her verbal venom. "I'm here for the same reason as yours, possibly. Only I will live to enjoy the delights of this power and you will fade."

Thorn narrowed his eyes. That's always a danger signed when he does so after a talk. Its a sure sign that he's ready to leap into a fight. With the Dark Side simmering inside him, without warning he leaped inhumanly high even without the use his jetback, and smashed his lightsaber against her. The woman staggered by defended her head admirably. Thorn maintained his composure. He was not in a hurry. He had the strength of Djem So on his side. He would bludgeon her into oblivion!

Smash her he did, but it grew evident that she was using Soresu, which according to Thorn was the most irritating form of lightsaber combat. Even as he continued to circle her and bludgeon her from all directions, he laughed and said "The problem with Soresu is that you only defend. What is the use of getting into a fight if you don't seek to overpower your foe?" He ended his smug remark with a strong blow at her head, which she dodged by sidestepping quietly. This impenetrable defense was getting on his nerves!

Anger got the best of him! What he did next almost proved to be his undoing. To confident on destroying his foe, he forgot or did not seek to find out her strengths in the Dark Side. The second time she sidestepped his blow, Kelly lost no time. All she needed was a wave of her hand and the Zabrak's mind would be her'!

Without warning and just like a bolt from the proverbial blue, his mind started to go numb. It was like his consciousness was fading away terribly fast. As his eyes clouded over and as he staggered blindly over the crimson wasteland in front of her, he mentally clawed for his losing consciousness while he physically clawed for his lightsaber.

"That's why, fool! And now...drive the lightsaber through your heart."

Thorn's wrist and forearm folded obediently, his lightsaber almost pointing at his left heart. He had almost lost control of his body.

"Do it!"

It happened more akin to an involuntary muscle memory, or like a knee-jerk reaction. With the last vestige of his mental strength that was almost gone, he activated his jetpack to get the kark out of there...fast! He blasted off before Kelly could do anything, or perhaps he did not want to pursue him further, or perhaps yet she could not.

The farther he got from her, the more her spell wore off. When he was a good distance off, he crashed on a pile on bones of some ancient beast, its bony rib cage sheltering him. He shook his head vigorously. There was no time to be lost! It was now certain that here was a foe beyond his power, and that his confidence almost led to his demise, which he now cursed with gritted teeth.

Without waiting to see whether she was still following him or now, he blasted off from there. Enraged yet sober, he mentally screamed at her "One setback is not a defeat, nor is one win a victory! I shall get you yet!"

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 26 April, 2017 4:06 PM UTC

Syntax:
You don't need an ellipsis here. They indicate someone trailing off in thought or speech (or an omission in a quote), but here we've got a pretty definite idea.

With the Dark Side aiding him, nothing will stand before him today...

Several typos:

Activating his armored jet[p]ack and letting his sniper fall... "Oh I[']m sorry! Do you live here all by yourself?" She chuckled darkly before spewing her verbal venom. "I'm here for the same reason as [you], possibly. ...without warning he leaped inhumanly high even without the use his jet[p]ack... ...he crashed on a pile o[f] bones of some ancient beast...

There's some tense dancing here; these two sentences are present when everything else is past. Additionally, you need an it's (it is) here instead of an its (belonging to it).

That's always a danger signed when he does so after a talk. It[']s a sure sign that he's ready to leap into a fight.

Story:
See general match comments.

Realism:
Soresu is Kelly's secondary form, and regardless, she dedicated an aspect to describing how she merges it with Shien. This is fairly minor since they're both inherently defensive forms, but it's something to keep in mind.

Smash her he did, but it grew evident that she was using Soresu, which according to Thorn was the most irritating form of lightsaber combat. Even as he continued to circle her and bludgeon her from all directions, he laughed and said "The problem with Soresu is that you only defend. What is the use of getting into a fight if you don't seek to overpower your foe?" He ended his smug remark with a strong blow at her head, which she dodged by sidestepping quietly. This impenetrable defense was getting on his nerves!

Continuity:
No errors.

Tired of being on the back foot, Kelly stopped moving backwards, holding the Knight’s blade pressed into hers. The Plagueian was digging deeper than she’d expected to at this point, her opposition wasn’t entirely useless in a fight. This did raise the question of why he’d want to hide away and pick her off from a distance though. It could be thought on later, for now, the woman needed to strike. Lunging forward, the Savant found her move had been predicted, and now it was the Taldryanite on the back foot. How he would react to this change in circumstances would prove to be interesting. Did he have the guts to stay and fight? Or would he attempt to retreat?

Thorn wasn’t fond of his current situation, but then he had forced it upon himself. He should have stayed out of his opponent’s limited range, at least that way she’d have been compelled to waste energy getting close to him. Though that wasn’t the situation and the Zabrak was backing up towards the mountain. It was risky, but he could attempt to get back up the mountain, put the distance between them once more. Of course, if he failed, he was exposed to further attack. Deciding the risk was worth the reward, he began the ascent, aided by a combination of his jetpack and the Force. How would the Plagueian respond?

Kelly saw the Zabrak’s large frame leap into the air, and to stop him from getting away; she began hurling rocks at her opposition. She had forced him to activate his jetpack to avoid being hit. Though Kelly wasn’t much of an expert, it appeared as if her opponent had found his way back up the mountain safely, much to her chagrin. Now he had the high ground, and anyone with any semblance of sense knew how important that was. There was no real cover nearby to speak of, placing the Human at a significant disadvantage. A fact the Taldryanite was eager to take advantage of.

The Knight could see that the little skirmish down on ground level had begun to take a toll on Kelly, her movement wasn’t as sharp and crisp as it had been before. All it took was one mistake for the threat to be neutralised. Looking down the scope, he squeezed the trigger, sending a damaging bolt straight for the Plagueian, who managed to block it in the nick of time. She was tiring, but not defeated yet. Pressing the attack, Thorn fired off a trio of shots in short succession. The first was sent backwards harmlessly, while the second rebounded straight into the path of the third. How was she managing to keep up?

Kelly was thankful for such a significant distance between her opposition and her, though the constant need to readjust her position to block everything was taking its toll. Sure, when the fight started it appeared to be easy, but with her opponent flying between spots and her having to run back and forth to put herself in a position to block, it was wearing her down. Signs of fatigue were visible, all she could do was hope her opponent got bored and fled, she was in no position to pursue, despite wanting to. Running as she saw the Knight fly to another place, the Savant lost her footing, slipping to the ground, it was a mad scramble to get back to her feet in time. It was ultimately unsuccessful, as Kelly caught a bolt to the leg. She wouldn’t be going anywhere until her ship could be brought to her. As for the Taldryanite, he always seemed like the battle was a distraction, whatever he came to Dathomir for, he stood a better chance of finding now.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 27 April, 2017 10:26 PM UTC

Syntax:
Two things here. First, ditch the semicolon. Those separate complete thoughts from each other, but here it was interrupting one thought. You could get away without even a comma. The second thing is that, as written, it's a little unclear if she's using Telekinesis or just chucking rocks at Thorn, though I assume it's TK.

Kelly saw the Zabrak’s large frame leap into the air, and to stop him from getting away[,] she began hurling rocks at her opposition.

The latter chunk wasn't a complete sentence, but it flows just fine as part of the sentence before it.

There was no real cover nearby to speak of, placing the Human at a significant disadvantage[, a] fact the Taldryanite was eager to take advantage of.

On the other end of the spectrum, this was a run-on.

Signs of fatigue were visible, all she could do was hope her opponent got bored and fled[. S]he was in no position to pursue, despite wanting to.

Story:
Could be worse. At least there's no sand.

Now he had the high ground, and anyone with any semblance of sense knew how important that was.

Realism:
This is a cool idea, but it doesn't quite mesh with how we've seen blaster bolts and lightsabers behave onscreen. Thorn's firing three rounds off in a row, which doesn't give you much time between the second and third bolts to line that deflection up. You can redirect bolts at people, but hitting a tiny beam moving very quickly is Grand Master-level skill at the least.

Pressing the attack, Thorn fired off a trio of shots in short succession. The first was sent backwards harmlessly, while the second rebounded straight into the path of the third. How was she managing to keep up?

Continuity:
No errors that I saw.