The surge of power that Dathomir gave him made him too brazen. The woman before him seemed to deflect his bolts easily as breathing! This irritated him greatly. He could not stand up here and keep firing! That would be a stalemate. No. He would fly down there and deal with this nuisance. With the Dark Side aiding him, nothing will stand before him today...
Activating his armored jetback and letting his sniper fall, he glided nonchalantly a distance away from her. His lightsaber glowed an angry glow, almost voicing his indignation and rage.
"Who are you, and why have you come here?" asked Thorn to the lithe but sinister woman in front.
"Oh I"m sorry! Do you live here all by yourself?" She chuckled darkly before spewing her verbal venom. "I'm here for the same reason as yours, possibly. Only I will live to enjoy the delights of this power and you will fade."
Thorn narrowed his eyes. That's always a danger signed when he does so after a talk. Its a sure sign that he's ready to leap into a fight. With the Dark Side simmering inside him, without warning he leaped inhumanly high even without the use his jetback, and smashed his lightsaber against her. The woman staggered by defended her head admirably. Thorn maintained his composure. He was not in a hurry. He had the strength of Djem So on his side. He would bludgeon her into oblivion!
Smash her he did, but it grew evident that she was using Soresu, which according to Thorn was the most irritating form of lightsaber combat. Even as he continued to circle her and bludgeon her from all directions, he laughed and said "The problem with Soresu is that you only defend. What is the use of getting into a fight if you don't seek to overpower your foe?" He ended his smug remark with a strong blow at her head, which she dodged by sidestepping quietly. This impenetrable defense was getting on his nerves!
Anger got the best of him! What he did next almost proved to be his undoing. To confident on destroying his foe, he forgot or did not seek to find out her strengths in the Dark Side. The second time she sidestepped his blow, Kelly lost no time. All she needed was a wave of her hand and the Zabrak's mind would be her'!
Without warning and just like a bolt from the proverbial blue, his mind started to go numb. It was like his consciousness was fading away terribly fast. As his eyes clouded over and as he staggered blindly over the crimson wasteland in front of her, he mentally clawed for his losing consciousness while he physically clawed for his lightsaber.
"That's why, fool! And now...drive the lightsaber through your heart."
Thorn's wrist and forearm folded obediently, his lightsaber almost pointing at his left heart. He had almost lost control of his body.
"Do it!"
It happened more akin to an involuntary muscle memory, or like a knee-jerk reaction. With the last vestige of his mental strength that was almost gone, he activated his jetpack to get the kark out of there...fast! He blasted off before Kelly could do anything, or perhaps he did not want to pursue him further, or perhaps yet she could not.
The farther he got from her, the more her spell wore off. When he was a good distance off, he crashed on a pile on bones of some ancient beast, its bony rib cage sheltering him. He shook his head vigorously. There was no time to be lost! It was now certain that here was a foe beyond his power, and that his confidence almost led to his demise, which he now cursed with gritted teeth.
Without waiting to see whether she was still following him or now, he blasted off from there. Enraged yet sober, he mentally screamed at her "One setback is not a defeat, nor is one win a victory! I shall get you yet!"
Syntax:
Made this mountain what? It seems like you're missing a word here.
This should probably be a thought, indicated with italics. It doesn't really fit as part of the narrative.
The name of the weapon shouldn't be capitalized unless it's a unique name. So 'Excalibur' gets caps, but 'sniper rifle' doesn't.
Another missing word. Additionally, see the ACC Guide for examples of how to write about Force powers.
Just some style advice: take it a little easier on the exclamation points. They're like seasoning in food. It's good to have some, but it gets off-putting if you over-do it.
A typo.
Story:
First off, I like how you addressed the unusual surge in Force ability both characters get as part of an Unleashed match. The thing that isn't clear to me is how or why Thorn is the only one in Taldryan to detect this.
It's definitely good that you established a reason for both Thorn and Kelly to be here, but it doesn't really drive the action at all.
Realism:
I'm not sure why. Kelly can sense Thorn already, the exact same way he's sensing her. I could see how throwing crazy amounts of power around with Lightning or Telekinesis could make you more conspicuous, but just having a little look around should affect things much - especially when both people have Sense at +5.