Warrior Kylex vs. Knight Justinios Drake

Warrior Kylex

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Juggernaut
vs.

Knight Justinios Drake

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Aleena, Force Disciple, Arcanist
Comment

Kylex, first I’d like to say good job on improving your overall syntax. These posts were much cleaner reads than the previous match I graded for you. Good work! Second, you need to fill out more of the details in the story more. Tell me more about why and the background details. The lack of the why really hurt you. Lastly, I’ll add that you seem to be comfortable writing the fight itself compared your first forays into the ACC. I wanted to let you know that you have improved in that area. ^^ Keep it up!

Justinios, first I’d like to say that you did a good job providing more than one layer of story to ‘why’ this cooperative fight even took place. It made it interesting and I appreciate it. Second, you really need to work on your syntax. Proofers really help and are highly recommended. Lastly, good work making the second post a bit cleaner (syntax-wise) than your first. Every bit helps in the ACC. Keep it up!

With the scores tallied, the clear winner is Justinios. This is an example of the power of "WHY" in a story. The ACC needs good fights but we need to know why as well. The stronger story played a key role in this match.

Till next time and keep at it!

Hall Cooperative Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warrior Kylex, Knight Justinios Drake
Winner Knight Justinios Drake
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warrior Kylex's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Justinios Drake's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Coruscant: Level 1313
Last Post 5 May, 2017 6:23 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Kylex Sanguris Raiheaux
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Decent, but see my notes about some recurring issues such as needing a comma when the words after a quotation continue the sentence. Overall, improvement for sure. Good job! Rationale: This needs a solid proofing as there were too many basic syntax mistakes that could have been easily avoided and bumped this up to a three. Your second post was much better than your first though.
Story - 40%
Kylex Sanguris Raiheaux
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: This was so close to being a three but the main thing that held it back was that you did not give me a reason for the fight/conflict and it wasn’t fleshed out more. Some of my story comments might have gone away if you had written more about the environment and consequences that come with it. As a result, the posts seem rushed and character developments between characters and NPCs remain nebulous. Rationale: Your layered reasons and motivations for fighting saved your story score from dipping below a three. In future, please take note on making a story too one-sided.
Realism - 25%
Kylex Sanguris Raiheaux
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: There were 2 minor realism issues as denoted in comments. Rationale: No issues.
Continuity - 20%
Kylex Sanguris Raiheaux
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Kylex Sanguris's Score: 3.25 Raiheaux's Score: 3.75
Posts

Coruscant Level 1313

So named because it is located one thousand, three hundred, and thirteen levels from the core of Coruscant, Level 1313 is distanced from the politics of the upper levels. Overlooking the chasm burrowing further into Coruscant’s core, one can watch freighters transporting their illicit cargo between levels. One misstep would send the careless careening into the bottomless pit, or aid the local gangs in staging “accidents.”

Weathered duracrete forms the retainer along the chasm wall, built in concentric rings that descend down an untold height. Strengthened with solid durasteel braces, maintenance has not been needed this far into Coruscant for a long time. Nevertheless, droids pre-programmed to fill in the cracks and crevices that might form in the walls float on repulsorlifts without drawing attention from the criminal gangs; themselves, being focused on their next smuggling operation or struggle for control over Coruscant’s scum-filled underbelly.

Level 1313: A massive sprawling landscape hidden beneath the upper levels of Coruscant. Home to criminals, pirates and gangs alike. Newcomers to the underground would be fooled into thinking that the underground was a safe place to take up residence. The only source of natural light came from the gargantuan shaft that goes straight to the core of the planet. Trash littered the streets and the stale air emanates the stench of stale liquor, and plasma emissions.

“How the bloody hell did I end up back here?” Kylex muttered to himself, draping his cloak over his face and trudging through one of the many maze like streets. He looked around, subtly checking his surroundings for anyone that could be tailing the hulk of a man.

You're just paranoid. he told himself, reaching into his robes and fishing out a flask. The Sith popped the top, having a quick swig before stashing it away. As Kylex kept soldiering on through the street, his mind began to wander. He remembered the last time he was in Coruscant, taking down Scorpion for his first assassination mission. He chuckled, recalling the two Trandoshans he had teamed up with, and later became friends with.

I wonder if Kelairè and Simbalé still live here…

Kylex’s train of thought suddenly derailed, coming to a grinding halt and falling from his conscious. Several blaster shots rung out from a nearby alleyway swiftly followed by screams before being abruptly silenced. Stricken with curiosity, the Mandalorian slithered into the alley. The alley itself wasn’t that impressive, grey walls on either side and a few posters flapping in the wind. Sliding sideways along the wall, the Sith came to the alley’s other entrance. A bit beyond him, he saw an Aleena, wildly slashing at much taller beings with a lightsaber. Almost out of instinct, Kylex’s hand shot to his waist, gripping his own saber.

The last man fell, his upper and lower halves since divorced by the Aleena’s weapon.

“This is what happens when you steal things that don’t belong to you.” shouted the pint sized Jedi, quickly stashing his lightsaber away in his robes. He spat on the corpse, then turned his back. Kylex watched the tiny being, curious as to what would happen next.

“It’s very rude to stare.” muttered the Aleena under his breath, glaring at the alleyway.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 14 May, 2017 3:31 AM UTC

Syntax

Unnecessary comma when the list only has two items.

Trash littered the streets and the stale air emanates the stench of stale liquor[] and plasma emissions.

Hyphen required. As a general note, usually hypens are used to join two words, which act as an adjective that describes a noun in the sentence.

Kylex muttered to himself, draping his cloak over his face and trudging through one of the many maze[-]like streets.

“This is what happens when you steal things that don’t belong to you.” shouted the pint[-]sized Jedi, quickly stashing his lightsaber away in his robes.

Comma required when the words after a quotation continue the sentence.

“This is what happens when you steal things that don’t belong to you[,]” shouted the pint sized Jedi, quickly stashing his lightsaber away in his robes.

Comma required if you want to put ‘he told himself’ or ‘shouted the pint-sized Jedi’ right after it.

You're just paranoid[,] he told himself, reaching into his robes and fishing out a flask.

“This is what happens when you steal things that don’t belong to you[,]” shouted the pint sized Jedi, quickly stashing his lightsaber away in his robes.

“It’s very rude to stare[,]” muttered the Aleena under his breath, glaring at the alleyway.

Your conscience makes you feel guilty when you do bad things, but your consciousness is your awareness. Based on the sentence, I believe you mean the latter.

Kylex’s train of thought suddenly derailed, coming to a grinding halt and falling from his conscious[ness].

Story

You need to work the description of the venue into your story. This unfortunately reads like the venue description and immediately takes me out of the story. Next time, I advise you to work the below into the story itself.

Level 1313: A massive sprawling landscape hidden beneath the upper levels of Coruscant. Home to criminals, pirates and gangs alike. Newcomers to the underground would be fooled into thinking that the underground was a safe place to take up residence. The only source of natural light came from the gargantuan shaft that goes straight to the core of the planet. Trash littered the streets and the stale air emanates the stench of stale liquor, and plasma emissions.

How about you tell me? You don’t tell me why Kylex is here anywhere in your first post, which should set up the backdrop for the rest of the match.

“How the bloody hell did I end up back here?” Kylex muttered to himself, draping his cloak over his face and trudging through one of the many maze like streets.

Nice addition to the story.

He remembered the last time he was in Coruscant, taking down Scorpion for his first assassination mission. He chuckled, recalling the two Trandoshans he had teamed up with, and later became friends with.

Realism

This seems out of character for Justinios. His ‘Wicked Problems, Worse Solutions’ prizes logic over overly simplistic solutions to problems. In more detail, ‘Justinios Drake has resolved to make measured decisions based on the facts and hand while minimizing the influence of preconceptions and prejudices.’ Murdering someone and having him spit on the dead guy seem far too emotional for his aspect.

“This is what happens when you steal things that don’t belong to you.” shouted the pint sized Jedi, quickly stashing his lightsaber away in his robes. He spat on the corpse, then turned his back. Kylex watched the tiny being, curious as to what would happen next.

“You will have to forgive me little guy,” Kylex said mockingly while still clutching his own lightsaber, “but I wasn't exactly expecting to see another lightsaber all the way down here.”

The blue alien clearly had noticed the firm grip Kylex had on his weapon. “I’d love to stand here in in this cesspool and play standoff but I don't have the time. My name is Justinios Drake with House Dinaari of Clan Taldryan.” Justinios once again turned his attention back to the corpses he had just created. “If those words mean something to you than I would prefer you either attack me so we can get this over with or stow that weapon so that I continue to looks for… ah there is!”

“I am Kylex of Tacitus Athanasius, House…”

“Kylex will be sufficient. An introduction means you won't be attacking me, that is preferable.” The diminutive Jedi walked over to where the Sith Warrior was standing and tossed him the datachip. “That chip should have the location of whatever ramshackle hovel these brutes call home and I would like to visit them to recover my research data.”

Wait, is this Aleena just assuming my assistance? the Mandalorian asked himself. Kylex had no clue as to what Justinios’ research was or if he would take much interest in it even if he did but the Sith was still considered helping the Taldryanite. The bodies strewn about the alleyway indicated that following Justinios on his personal mission would likely lead to some more violence, plus the Aleena’s clan membership indicated he was also no friend to the Grand Master.

“Well I wasn't even planning on murdering anyone today but, sure, I will help you.”

“I thought that was already implied,” Justinios said with a shrug. “Come our destination isn't far and they will already know we are coming.”

With a skip in his step the Sith Warrior quickly caught up to Justinios, his head filled with glee imagining how many thugs might be waiting to taste his blade.

About twenty standard minutes later the duo stopped in an alleyway that was kiddie corner to an abandoned storefront that was, in fact, best described as ramshackle. As the two Force users looked upon the large group of well armed aliens standing outside the entrance, it was clear they had found their target.

Kylex spoke his assessment of the situation aloud. “I make two Rodians, a Bothan, three Twi’leks and a very angry looking Trandoshan.”

“Yes and all well armed,” Justinios responded, “the lizard looks like he is carrying a T-21.” The azure skinned Jedi went silent as continued to review the scene in front of him. “Give me your saber.”

The Sith Warrior simply looked at his new partner with a concern in his eye.

“Mine is too small, I need your so they can see it,” Justinios said while impatiently motioning for the weapon.

Kylex reluctantly handed over his lightsaber. “If your big plan is to scatter them with a saber throw I am more than capable…”

Before the human could finish his statement Justinios had rushed from their hiding spot, threw Kylex’s unlit lightsaber overhand towards the aliens and yelled, “GRENADE OUT!”

All seven of the guards went diving in multiple directions as the hilt sliced through the air. This little guy is kind of crazy, I like him, Kylex thought to himself. The white haired Mandalorian sprinted towards the fray, attempting to catch up to Justinios who had clearly used the moment of the confusion to put on a burst of speed.

As the lightsaber hit the ground, Justinios was already on top the Trandoshan. The scaled alien clearly had no idea the grenade was a ruse because the Aleena’s blue blade sliced through his torso as he was still crouched behind the barricade he had chosen as cover.

Seeing that his lightsaber had completed its flight and made contact with the ground, Kylex focused upon his weapon in an attempt to return it to his control. Simultaneously, one of the Twi’leks decided to go into hero mode and jumped in top of the “grenade” before the Sith could recover it.

While Kylex continued towards his now constrained weapon, Justinios moved onto the next closest targets which were both of the Rodians. Both of the green skinned aliens had not even found cover but simply hit the deck and covered their heads with their arms where they had been previously standing before the attack. The ruse was starting to wear off now that a few more seconds had passed since the Twi’lek had jumped on the fake explosive and had yet to be blown to pieces. The Rodian closest to Justinios was looking straight at the charging Kylex while yelling something in his native tongue at the would be hero Twi’lek who was also beginning to realize she had not been blown to smithereens.

Amazed she was still in one piece, the Twi’lek began to stand up while examining Kylex’s weapon. The alien was still not aware that the Sith was quickly bearing down on her. Kylex introduced himself with a brutal blow to the face, grabbing her head with both hands and pushing it down into his right knee. As the female alien fell to the ground unconscious and bleeding, Kylex snatched his weapon of her hand but hesitated before igniting the red blade.

Immediately in front of Kylex, his partner had also dispatched the two Rodians but the diminutive Jedi was now spending all his focus and energy deflecting and dodging blaster fire from the remaining three guards. The Bothan and two remaining Twi’leks were all focusing their attention on the acrobatic Aleena, still unaware there was a second threat.

Kylex easily flanked the three blaster wielding aliens from their left side. With a snap-hiss the crimson blade of the Sith’s lightsaber sprang to life. The Bothan clearly had heard the weapon activate because he attempted to pull the barrel of his blaster rifle around to meet the new attacker. A powerful overhand strike cleaved the furry thug in half just as the Twi’leks registered his presence. As the two remaining thugs also attempted to turn their weapons on Kylex he aggressively sliced upward from the previous blow, which lead his blade to trace a diagonal through the torso of the closest Twi’lek. Wasting no time, the Sith Warrior quickly spun around and reversed the blow through the torso of the final alien.

“A fake grenade, that was your plan?” Kylex asked while deactivating his weapon.

Justinios simply looked around at the corpses strewn about the ground and responded, “Looks to me like the plan worked.”

The female Twi’lek who had jumped on top of Kylex’s lightsaber began to slowly awaken from her unconscious state. Without any hesitation, Kylex walked over to her, placed the emitter to his lightsaber against her temple and activated the blade. As the lifeless body slumped back onto the duracrete, he deactivated the weapon once more but kept it in hand. “Well the element of surprise likely gone now, everyone inside must have heard this ruckus.”

“Well”, Justinios said to Kylex with his own deactivated weapon in his hand, “let us introduce ourselves formally .”

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 14 May, 2017 3:34 AM UTC

Syntax

I believe you meant the word ‘then’ rather than ‘than’.

If those words mean something to you [then] I would prefer you either attack me so we can get this over with or stow that weapon so that I continue to looks for… ah there is!”

Comma needed after an introductory clause.

With a skip in his step[,] the Sith Warrior quickly caught up to Justinios, his head filled with glee imagining how many thugs might be waiting to taste his blade.

Period to separate the two independent clauses.

“Come[.] [O]ur destination isn't far and they will already know we are coming.”

Hyphen required. As a general note, usually hypens are used to join two words, which act as an adjective that describes a noun in the sentence.

As the two Force users looked upon the large group of well[-]armed aliens standing outside the entrance, it was clear they had found their target.

Both of the green[-]skinned aliens had not even found cover but simply hit the deck and covered their heads with their arms where they had been previously standing before the attack.

The Rodian closest to Justinios was looking straight at the charging Kylex while yelling something in his native tongue at the would[-]be hero Twi’lek who was also beginning to realize she had not been blown to smithereens.

‘Your’ doesn’t make sense in this context. ‘Yours’ does though.

“Mine is too small, I need your[s] so they can see it,” Justinios said while impatiently motioning for the weapon.

The correct preposition here is ‘on’.

Simultaneously, one of the Twi’leks decided to go into hero mode and jumped [on] top of the “grenade” before the Sith could recover it.

Missing preposition.

As the lightsaber hit the ground, Justinios was already on top [of] the Trandoshan.

As the female alien fell to the ground unconscious and bleeding, Kylex snatched his weapon [from] her hand but hesitated before igniting the red blade.

Prepositions not needed.

While Kylex continued towards his now constrained weapon, Justinios moved onto the next closest targets which were both [] Rodians.

Incorrect tense.

As the two remaining thugs also attempted to turn their weapons on Kylex he aggressively sliced upward from the previous blow, which [led] his blade to trace a diagonal through the torso of the closest Twi’lek.

The more accurate word to use here is ‘a’ because Kylex does not know its importance enough for ‘the’.

The diminutive Jedi walked over to where the Sith Warrior was standing and tossed him [a] datachip.

This is a very odd sentence. Usually thoughts are put in italics to remove the need to have to say “ X told/asked himself”. As it stands, this is not a legal sentence.

Wait, is this Aleena just assuming my assistance? the Mandalorian asked himself.

Tense correction needed.

Kylex had no clue as to what Justinios’ research was or if he would take much interest in it even if he did but the Sith [] still considered helping the Taldryanite.

This works better separating the two dialogues into separate sentences. You also need to include a subject ‘he’ before the verb.

“Yes and all well armed,” Justinios responded[.] “[T]he lizard looks like he is carrying a T-21.” The azure skinned Jedi went silent as [he] continued to review the scene in front of him. “Give me your saber.”

Missing verb.

“Well the element of surprise [is] likely gone now, everyone inside must have heard this ruckus.”

Story

Nice a reason for the story to exist. Good job of taking advantage of the gap left by your opponent.

Wait, is this Aleena just assuming my assistance? the Mandalorian asked himself. Kylex had no clue as to what Justinios’ research was or if he would take much interest in it even if he did but the Sith was still considered helping the Taldryanite. The bodies strewn about the alleyway indicated that following Justinios on his personal mission would likely lead to some more violence, plus the Aleena’s clan membership indicated he was also no friend to the Grand Master.

You state they are well-armed, but then dispatch of them so easily you are unscathed. This is one possible scenario, but it makes for a very lackluster story. Include some more blaster fire, make the heroes have to get to cover. Try to make it more two-sided and give the guns and the enemies’ innate reflexes a little more credit. If you want to take this route, at least give me a compelling reason why it is so easy.

“Yes and all well armed,” Justinios responded, “the lizard looks like he is carrying a T-21.” The azure skinned Jedi went silent as continued to review the scene in front of him. “Give me your saber.”

Justinios simply looked around at the corpses strewn about the ground and responded, “Looks to me like the plan worked.”

“Let us introduce ourselves formally.” said the Aleena stoutly. He shot an expectant look at the Mandalorian, tapping his foot impatiently at the unresponsiveness of his ally. Strutting over to Kylex, the Jedi began to observe the Sith in detail. Walking around the Human repeatedly, making mental notes about his physique. The toned muscles, peculiar if not unnatural purple eyes, snow white hair, cybernetic arm and glazed over look. Drool began to emerge from his gaping mouth, slowly sliding down from his mouth, and suspending it above the ground.

“Good grief…” muttered Justinious, stepping aside before kicking the man firmly in the shin. The glazed look suddenly vanished, as did the drool. A look of horror momentarily flashed across his face, before returning to a more casual expression

“Sorry mate… I must’ve zoned out.” Kylex said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his hair in embarrassment. “I’m House Excidium, Clan Scholae Palatinae.”

“Indeed you should be sorry.” snapped the Jedi, shaking his fist at the Sith. “A child of the emperor? You would make a useful ally…”

“Don’t get too many wise ideas.” smirked Kylex. “Let us proceed.”

The duo turned towards the store, stepping over corpse after corpse before stopping at the closed metal door. Kylex looked down at Justinious, gripping his saber firmly. “It’ll be hectic in there, you sure you can handle it?” No response came from the Aleena, save the hiss of his blue lightsaber being activated. The Sith looked back at the door, and smiled. He raised his right arm backwards, as if to punch the door. Taking in a deep breath, he gathered the Force within his fist, and let it fly. The invisible cross punch flew forward with the force of a comet, crumpling the door in around itself.

CRASH

The door flew clean off its hinges, flying through the interior of the shop before hitting the back wall, and whatever unlucky sentient that was in between the two. Justinious was the first to move, quickly charging into the building like a miniature nexu. Kylex followed suit, activating his crimson blade as he calmly entered the building. The room was dark, and seemed to stretch on for quite a bit. The entire complex was filled with more thugs The Sith spotted his ally, quickly and efficiently cutting down several goons whist evading blaster fire. Smiling, the Human began to charge.

“DIE!” yelled a Twi’lek thug, charging Kylex with a vibroblade.

“Happy to assist.” he said, decapitating the Twi’lek with a quick twirl of his lightsaber. The fallen thugs cohorts looked on in horror as their comrade fell, each slowly raising their blasters to fire upon the Sith. With a flick of the wrist, the Mandalorian flipped his lightsaber, holding it in reverse grip. Each shot fired at the Warrior was quickly returned to its owner.

Like a charging reek, Kylex gained momentum, chasing down each foe that attempted to flee. One Weequay man came at the Sith with an electrostaff, twirling the device around with admirable skill, but he was no match. Reaching out through the Force, Kylex tightened his grip around the man’s neck, choking him. Suddenly, everything went black.

“Well. Looks like our job here is done.” said the Jedi, walking over to a corner of the room. The words suddenly brought Kylex back to reality. The Sith’s purple eyes shifted, looking at the pure carnage that he and his ally had caused. Bodies, whole and half, littered the room. The distinct smell of burnt flesh and plasma emissions singed his nostrils.

“What happened?” inquired Kylex, unsure of the cause of his lapse.

“I’d say battle high, your mind sat back and let your instincts guide you.” shrugged Justinious as he grabbed a small suitcase from the corner of the room. “This is mine.”

“I have so many questions.” Kylex said, lying down on the ground and using a torso as a makeshift pillow.

“Take this.” said the Aleena, stuffing a scrap of paper in the Sith’s hand. “If you need me, come here.” Kylex nodded, closing his eyes as Justinious marched out of the door.

“I need to see a doctor.”

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 14 May, 2017 3:39 AM UTC

Syntax

Comma required when the words after a quotation continue the sentence.

“Don’t get too many wise ideas[,]” smirked Kylex. “Let us proceed.”

“Happy to assist[,]” he said, decapitating the Twi’lek with a quick twirl of his lightsaber.

“I have so many questions[‘]” Kylex said, lying down on the ground and using a torso as a makeshift pillow.

“Indeed you should be sorry[,]” snapped the Jedi, shaking his fist at the Sith.

“Well. Looks like our job here is done[,]” said the Jedi, walking over to a corner of the room.

“I’d say battle high, your mind sat back and let your instincts guide you[,]” shrugged Justinious as he grabbed a small suitcase from the corner of the room.

“I have so many questions[,]” Kylex said, lying down on the ground and using a torso as a makeshift pillow.

“Take this[,]” said the Aleena, stuffing a scrap of paper in the Sith’s hand.

No comma is needed when you only list two items with an ‘and’ and when it is the same subject carrying out both actions.

The Sith looked back at the door[] and smiled.

The room was dark[] and seemed to stretch on for quite a bit.

Preposition ‘in’ is not required here.

Taking [] a deep breath, he gathered the Force within his fist, and let it fly.

‘Whist does not fit the context here but ‘whilst’ does.

The Sith spotted his ally, quickly and efficiently cutting down several goons [whilst] evading blaster fire.

The possessive requires a ‘s versus just adding an s.

The fallen thug[‘]s cohorts looked on in horror as their comrade fell, each slowly raising their blasters to fire upon the Sith.

Sentence needs to be broken up to avoid run on sentences. Also, there is an unnecessary comma after ‘ally’.

The entire complex was filled with more thugs[.] The Sith spotted his ally quickly and efficiently cutting down several goons whist evading blaster fire. Smiling, the Human began to charge.

Story

Too one-sided again. It could happen, but this makes for no conflict and therefore not so good of a story. Guns are dangerous. If you explain the scene more, maybe what once seemed one-sided actually isn’t. But in the end, I can only grade off of what I read. I’d suggest fleshing this out more or making life harder for the playable characters.

The entire complex was filled with more thugs The Sith spotted his ally, quickly and efficiently cutting down several goons whist evading blaster fire. Smiling, the Human began to charge.

Realism

Telekinetic Strike is not powerful enough to do what you’ve written. Sure, it can do damage. But, not that much force/damage. Maybe if you said the door was dilapidated or already falling apart it would be more realistic. As written, I can only assume a stock door and it would not crumple in.

Taking in a deep breath, he gathered the Force within his fist, and let it fly. The invisible cross punch flew forward with the force of a comet, crumpling the door in around itself.

No sooner had Justinios walked through the doorway leading back to the streets of level 1313 did the Aleena Jedi return back to the corpse strewn room where Warrior Kylex was still attempting to dull some of his pain with assistance from the Force. The Mandalorian’s attempt was interrupted as his attention was drawn back to the entranceway where Justinios re-entered with what looked like another being following behind him.

“Not good, I am hallucinating now,” Kylex muttered to himself. The tiny Jedi had a very tall figure, likely a human, trailing about two meters behind him. The Sith could just barely make out what looked like human eyes and skin tone in the gap between the beings hood and face covering. Darkly colored armor covered the rest the new arrival’s body.

“Well done Inquisitor Drake, you have recovered the data and taken care of an undesirable in the process.” The armored being spoke as if Kylex wasn’t even present.

It did not go unnoticed by Kylex that the mystery arrival, who was now an assumed member of the Inquisitorius, just referred to Justinios as an Inquisitor. Fear, anger and hatred began to build in the Sith’s mind but as he attempted to raise into a combat stance he fell back to the floor in pain. In his current state there was little the Mandalorian could do to defend himself so he accepted that he would need to let the entire situation unfold.

The unnamed Inquisitor ignored Kylex and continued addressing the Aleena while still keeping a couple arm lengths between them. “Hand over the data and put that fool out of his misery.”

“I will not comply with the first part of your request under any circumstances,” Justinios stated bluntly. “This data belongs to me and me alone.”

“Little Jedi you mistake me, nothing of what I said was a request. Do as I say or neither you nor your precious research leaves this dung heap alive.” As the taller Inquisitor finished speaking Kylex noticed that he dropped casually into a combat stance and reached towards his lightsaber.

Seeing his best chance for survival Kylex focused as hard as he could, through the pain, on the other human’s weapon. Before the Inquisitor’s armored fist could physically reach the hilt of his blade, it was sailing through the room towards Kylex. Before it reached then outstretched hand of the one that summoned it, the lightsaber fell to the ground with a loud clang. Kylex was beset by a burst of pain that had broken his focus, causing him to lose control of the lightsaber.

Justinios wasted no time reacting to the change in the situation caused by the telekinetic pickpocket attempt. The blue-skinned Jedi slid between the legs of the Inquisitor, who was momentarily distracted in an attempt to recall his weapon. While sliding, the alien flicked the reptilian hand holding his own lightsaber and severed the Inquisitors leg at the ankle. In an impressive show of agility, Justinios smoothly transitioned from his slide into a combat stance as soon as he was behind the now stumbling form of the armored stranger.

With a single leap, Justinios landed on the Inquisitor’s back. With one of his tiny blue hands holding onto his prey’s neck for balance, Justinios used his weapon hand to pierce the cerulean blade of his weapon through the base of the Inquisitor’s neck and out through the top of his skull. As the now lifeless body crumpled to the ground and the azure-skinned Jedi gracefully leapt back to the floor onto his two small, but sturdy, feet.

“This entire event has been nothing but a nuisance.” Justinios looked directly at the Inquisitors corpse and then at Kylex. “People shouldn't mess with my work, it isn't honorable.”

Kylex still wasn't sure whose side Justinios belonged to but if he had learned one thing about the little alien in their time together it was that as long as you weren't standing between the Aleena and his work, the Jedi wouldn't consider you his enemy. “Go ahead Justinios, get back to your research. I can tend to myself from here.”

A look of relief shot across the Aleena’s face, “Thank you Kylex. I am pleased to finally meet someone who understands that scientific progress is more important than trivial items like flesh wounds. Good luck with not dying, thanks for your help today.”

With that last statement, Jedi Knight Justinios Drake once again exited the former criminal hideout. After waiting to make sure the Taldryanite didn't return again with another surprise, Kylex returned to his efforts to dull the pain caused by his wounds. Eventually Kylex found that his attempts were successful and the Mandalorian was able to muster the strength to stumble into a very questionable looking health clinic for a patch up. As he lay in the hospital bed, he could only imagine what the rest of his Battleteam would say when he recounted the tale of the day’s exploits.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 14 May, 2017 3:41 AM UTC

Syntax

Hyphen needed.

No sooner had Justinios walked through the doorway leading back to the streets of level 1313 did the Aleena Jedi return back to the corpse[-]strewn room where Warrior Kylex was still attempting to dull some of his pain with assistance from the Force.

Comma needed after an introductory phrase.

In his current state there was little the Mandalorian could do to defend himself so he accepted that he would need to let the entire situation unfold.

Eventually[,] Kylex found that his attempts were successful and the Mandalorian was able to muster the strength to stumble into a very questionable looking health clinic for a patch up.

Looks like a simple typo but I think you meant ‘the’ versus ‘then’

Before it reached the[] outstretched hand of the one that summoned it, the lightsaber fell to the ground with a loud clang.

Possessive needed here.

While sliding, the alien flicked the reptilian hand holding his own lightsaber and severed the Inquisitor[‘]s leg at the ankle.

“This entire event has been nothing but a nuisance.” Justinios looked directly at the Inquisitor[‘]s corpse and then at Kylex.

Very awkward wording. Usually the use of “No sooner” denotes a previous event that is followed by an event afterwards. The notation is usually “No sooner [event] than [second event]”. This excerpt is not right and reads oddly. Keep the above formula in mind in future.

No sooner had Justinios walked through the doorway leading back to the streets of level 1313 did the Aleena Jedi return back to the corpse strewn room where Warrior Kylex was still attempting to dull some of his pain with assistance from the Force.

Missing preposition.

Darkly colored armor covered the rest [of] the new arrival’s body.

Awkward word and not a good sentence. Introduce the introductory phrase with a comma and then no need for the word ‘and’.

As the now lifeless body crumpled to the ground[,] [] the azure-skinned Jedi gracefully leapt back to the floor onto his two small, but sturdy, feet.

Story

And now layering on what you added to in your first post. I personally wish this wasn’t a mystery until the very end of the story, but it’s good you add another layer to the story. Better later than never!

“Well done Inquisitor Drake, you have recovered the data and taken care of an undesirable in the process.” The armored being spoke as if Kylex wasn’t even present.