Mystic Alara Deathbane vs. Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Mystic Alara Deathbane

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Human, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
Comment

Ok, here's some general bullet points going down the line:

Syntax: You're both in a good place here. Alara still has a few things to work on with punctuation and, as always, everyone everywhere ever needs proofreaders, but you both have a solid handle on syntax.

Story: Two things you really want to keep in mind all the way through: why are these people fighting, and what do they want? Although your endings differed, both were violent and both were dangerous for both characters. But we never find out why Alara's there. Andrelious is supposed to be doing research but that's easily forgotten by the end of the fight. Was that worth risking death for? Get a strong handle on those motivations, and they're carry you through the match.

Realism: We got a bit Rule-of-Cool-y here. Atra already links that Daredevil fight scene everywhere so I'll spare you, but remember that things hurt. Remember how Force Lightning completely knocks Luke out of the fight in RotJ and actually kills Vader? Think about things like that. They not only buffer your Realism score, they add a lot of dramatic attention that's good for Story.

Continuity: Perfect on both accounts.

All told, Andrelious is the winner. Congrats!

Alara, you've picked up a few tricks during your incredible ACC blitz, and I think you're going to be in a very strong position when you two inevitably cross paths again. Keep on working and you'll only continue to get better.

Alethia Archenksova,
ACC Judge

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Alara Deathbane, Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Alara Deathbane's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Oricon: Dread Fortress
Last Post 16 May, 2017 8:01 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Alara Deathbane
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Some very minor typos. Great work beyond that. Rationale: A small assortment of punctuation errors, though I have to admit that I'm impressed that you used a colon correctly *twice.* That's not something we see much in these parts.
Story - 40%
Deleted Alara Deathbane
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Standard ACC match. Rationale: A very abrupt and dramatic shift in tone jump from combat to ending. If you wanted to play everything light and friendly, it would contradict character aspects some, but instead you play up the violent, bloodthirsty aspects and then do a 180 at the ending.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Alara Deathbane
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Some dodginess with Mind Trick in the second post, but the bigger issue is the godmodding. Rationale: Several minor detractors in your final post.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Alara Deathbane
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors. Rationale: No errors.
Deleted's Score: 3.55 Alara Deathbane's Score: 3.15
Posts

Oricon Dread Fortress

The greatest structure still standing on the volcanic moon of [Oricon], the ruined fortress that once served as the headquarters of the [Dread Masters], remains as a beacon of darkness. Impenetrable at its heart, the fortress is surrounded by a lava moat with a single bridge for access with walls two stories high and crafted of the hardest permacrete. Its walkways and open courtyards are decorated with eternally-burning braziers, hanging and broken chains, and even plaques and murals depicting acts of tyranny and strength. Statues, obelisks and pillars show signs of aging, crumbling, cracked and ruined, though their fearsome, ancient Sith visages still stand as a testament to the Dark Side and the imposing power that the masters of the fortress willed upon their visitors.

Down into the central palace and through one of the two sets of staircases lays the ruins of the atrium. It has long been looted for all of its artifacts and knowledge, left bare by the raiding and marauding of treasure hunters and researchers. Four side-chambers lead down, two to the left and right, deeper—these rooms, all abandoned, hold obelisks fused into the very stonework of the floor. Ancient Sith wisdom is etched into each one—messages of fear, of control, of domination and madness alike.

Oricon Dread Fortress

At the very rear of the palace is a large, tall stairway, leading up into what can only be considered the throne room of the wicked Council. A seven-sided platform sits atop a bottomless pit, with the walkway from the doorway taking up one side flanked by six green crystals. The remaining six edges are dedicated to walkways ending in a dais, resting upon which are the tall thrones topped with crystal where the ancient Masters of Dread once sat.

Alara perched herself on the center throne of the Dread Fortress’ grand hall, or rather, what was left of it. Her legs were crossed comfortably over each other and hung off the left armrest. She cradled her golden head in her hands, laid back against the other armrest, and admired the dim crystals that adorned her throne like a crown. Her bright Sephi eyes helped her observe the crystals’ slightly cut and raw appearance. She concluded that it was most likely due to the foolish and negligent treasure seekers who tried to pry them out of their casing. She sighed a breath of annoyance until the Force trickled up her spine with a warning. Someone was here. She wasn’t alone. Her fiery eyes darted towards the only opening in the room besides the open ceiling and waited. Her left arm, once resting on her abdomen, quickly flicked at her belt to confirm her weapons were there. The Aedile was relieved by the sound and touch of metal lightsabers clinking back. She remained in position otherwise and awaited signs of her company’s arrival to the scene. Sure enough, a familiar, diminutive Warlord appeared amongst the rubble by the entrance.

“Well hello, Andrelious. Long time no see. Looks like you’ve been growing horizontally rather than vertically. How’s the wife?” Alara spoke casually and slightly angled her right elbow to the side in efforts to better face the fellow visitant.

“In mere words and stature, you have already been able to offend me, Alara.” Andrelious huffed an annoyed chuckle. “Never takes you long to get under anyone’s skin, does it?”

“Hmm? Whatever could you mean?” Alara frowned. “I’m an Aedile now, like you ya’ know. People like me as their leader.”

“First of all, you comment on my figure. Secondly, you’re sitting in the Dreaded Masters’ throne room. With your legs swung over no-less. Have you no respect for the works of these legendary beings?” he retorted.

“Oh, this?” Alara gestured to her perfectly chiseled limbs. “I thought the good ol' boys would enjoy me lounging seductively here. Any Force ghost would admit that I must look pretty. I’ll forgive you for not complimenting me since you are refrained by that chain link on your finger.”

“Alara, Alara.” Andrelious sighed and stepped closer into the room. “Seems like your title has only made you more cocky.”

“I believe the word you’re looking for is confident, Andrelious.” the half-Sephi corrected him.

“I had it right the first time,” he snapped back and lifted his finger in the air at her, “You need to realize what you’re doing! You’re aiding in leading an entire House now! And you’re not exactly proving yourself to be a good leader.”

“Why would I need to do that? No one questions my strength or constitution. Besides, I’m Aedile to House Excidium: our den of criminals and space pirates. If anything I’m rather tame in my demeanor.”

“You’re so immature. So inconsiderate! I came here to study the ancient texts here only to be interrupted by impudence!” Andrelious walked up the steps towards the thrones and hollered at the woman.

A mischievous smirk crept across the she-Marauder’s face. She inhaled deeply, leapt up from her chair, and stood over the man with daring poise in her towering stance. “Well then, Pops. Whatcha gonna do about it? Teach me a lesson?”

The Warlord growled under his breath at both her stature and her challenge. He violently tugged his saber free of its clip and allowed its crimson plasma to spring to life. Instinctively, he hovered the saber behind his back, bent his knees slightly, and swung at the other Aedile before him.

Alara was a step ahead of him, however, and had already sprung back to the throne behind her to launch herself into the air above the shorter Human. The half-Sephi performed an elaborate spiral above his head and somersaulted safely to the ground a few feet behind him. A giggle of glee fell off her lips. She yanked her dual sabers free from their anchored stations on her belt and ignited her own xanthous yellow sabers. She arched her biceps to each side of her beautifully carved body and faced each saber in a different direction while holding the vibrant blades in parallel angles. With another coy look, Alara blew the stray hairs out of her face and challenged the Sith yet again.

“Come and put me in my place… if you dare.”

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 27 May, 2017 12:25 AM UTC

Syntax:
A small typo:

I’ll forgive you for not complimenting me since you are re[st]rained by that chain link on your finger.

Remember, when you follow a quote directly with 'he said,' 'she murmured,' or things of that nature, a period at the end of the quote changes to a comma.

“In mere words and stature, you have already been able to offend me, Alara[,]” Andrelious huffed an annoyed chuckle. “Alara, Alara[,]” Andrelious sighed and stepped closer into the room. “I believe the word you’re looking for is confident, Andrelious[,]” the half-Sephi corrected him.

Story:
Ok, so we know why Andrelious is there. Not in great detail, but that's something Mark is free to expound upon in his post; you did your part of getting him to the arena. Likewise, the fight flows naturally from their clashing personalities and willingness to resort to violence. My question is: why is Alara there? Does she just loiter in ruined ancient Sith citadels?

Realism:
No errors that I noticed.

Continuity:
N/A

It never took too long to annoy Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj. Alara, however, seemed to have developed an instant knack for irritating the Sith.

Andrelious decided not to waste any further time in verbal sparring with the Human-Sephi hybrid. He charged towards her, intent on ending the encounter with a single powerful slash of his blade. Instead, Alara brought one of her lightsabers around to block with relative ease, almost catching the male off guard with almost swoop-like agility.

Guessing that Deathbane relied on speed, Andrelious attempted to smash his opponent’s lightsabers from her hands with a series of stronger slashes, but was shocked to find that she seemed to have the edge in that department, too.

“You’re getting too old for this. Perhaps it’s time you traded that lightsaber in for something a little more supportive!” Alara taunted.

The constant barbs about his age were really beginning to grate on Andrelious; the fact that he had a daughter the same age as Alara only made things worse. He offered no verbal answer; he was already juggling defending against the female’s attacks with formulating a new strategy. Staying close was only going to allow Alara to wear him down with her fast, powerful slashes.

Ducking under the latest attack, Andrelious ploughed towards his opponent. The relatively unorthodox attack surprised the Palatinean, but she was nimble enough to step out of the way to avoid being knocked to her feet.

“Your skills are impressive, Alara. But tell me. Did they help you when Judecca burned? I heard you saw the entire thing,” the Taldryanite hissed.

The comment did exactly as Andrelious hoped it would. The pupils in Alara’s eyes appeared to almost catch fire as fury began to burn white-hot within the female’s soul. She tore towards Andrelious, growling and swinging her lightsabers around almost wildly.

Reaching her opponent, Alara, quickly tossing her lightsabers away, attacked with a series of punches across Andrelious’ body, each punch faster and stronger than the previous. The blows were well-aimed, quickly forcing the Sith to drop his own lightsaber and attempt to cover his body with his arms.

Falling to the ground under Alara’s continued assault, Andrelious tried to make himself as small as possible, his short stature allowing him to curl neatly into a ball.

“That comment was below the belt. I should kill you with my bare hands,” Alara snorted, still furious.

“Then do it! Remember what Pravus did to your home!” the Taldryanite answered, his hand grasping his second lightsaber. Thumbing its activation switch, Andrelious swung the weapon’s hilt around even as the blade activated with the usual snap-hiss. Alara, though again caught out by the move, was easily agile enough to step out of the way. She sprinted towards her two lightsabers, scooping them up long before the male could even get close.

“You will regret what you just said, Andrelious!” the Palatinean roared, rushing at her older opponent again.

Andrelious waited for the inevitable onslaught.

Soon, he hoped, Alara would tire herself out.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 27 May, 2017 2:06 AM UTC

Syntax:
I had to double check on this one myself. Some clans are a little heavy on the vowels amirite?

The relatively unorthodox attack surprised the Palatin[a]ean

Other than that, pretty polished.

Story:

“Your skills are impressive, Alara. But tell me. Did they help you when Judecca burned? I heard you saw the entire thing,” the Taldryanite hissed.

Damn, son. The 'give in to your anger' trope is a bit tried and true, but you did what a lot of writers overlook: you hit something that really should be Alara's personal berserk button.

Realism:
I'm a little unclear about why Alara deactivates her sabers, and why Andrelious follows suit, but I can grant that as dramatic license. But going from there, Alara smacks him around a bit, Andrelious falls down, she pummels him for a bit longer. And then he just sort of shrugs it off and they banter and resume their saber duel? She's strong. Table-throwing strong per the skill write-up, without accounting for her really intense Rage and Amplification powers. And she's a trained martial artist. But at the end of the engagement, Andrelious isn't noticeably injured. He's not winded and can talk and stand without any more pause than when the fight began. Hell, he's even building his strategy on Alara being more drained from beating on him than he is from being beaten.

Continuity:
No errors that I saw.

The battle was already beginning to tax on the Sephi’s strength. However, Alara couldn’t let Andrelious get away with what he said. She had been absolutely powerless at the fall of Judecca and he knew this. It was a cheap ploy to get her angry, but it definitely worked. She pushed her exhaustion into the dark precincts of her mind and forced it to shrink as she charged at the Warlord with newfound energy.

The younger combatant raised her sabers high above her head with a leap and crashed them down onto her opponent. Of course, Andrelious managed to block her first strike, but not without price. He shakingly twirled his saber in efforts to push her away. The half-Sephi obliged him with a smirk. No comment was needed; at least not yet. She thrusted herself backward slightly and awaited her opponent’s next move. The Dark Side of the Force tugged at her heartstrings as if yearning to be unleashed onto the Human. Alara resisted its urge for now.

Not yet, she thought to herself. Let the man think he has a chance.

Momentarily, Andrelious brought his onslaught forward and slashed his saber before him as if he were holding a cleaver to chop the woman in half. With a quick spin, Alara pivoted both of her sabers against his. The exertion on her part shook Andrelious up just enough to send him slightly backwards, which gave her the perfect opportunity to kick his chest even further back.

She took it, but regretted it rather quickly as Andrelious dropped his blade and grabbed hold of the half-Sephi’s calf, pulling her forward over his shoulder. Alara hissed at her fault and fell to the ground. She heard her opponent fall too at the strain of his throw. The young Aedile immediately spun herself back on her feet and guided her balance with the spin of her right leg on the ground’s surface. She watched in an air of slightly presumed victory as her fiery eyes observed the elderly Equite’s rise from his own fall. A grunt from his part echoed across the hall at the attempt. At this, Alara couldn’t help but release a hearty laugh from her chest.

“You think you’re so invincible, don’t you?” Andrelious growled as he stepped toward the half-Sephi. “I’ll prove your naivety wrong.”

At first Alara smiled brightly back at him until she realized what he was doing. Her eyes first traced the sabers’ shapes on the ground: all four were scattered randomly across the floor. Andrelious reached and held out his right hand towards her as a grin crept across his face. Her own smile quickly faded with the gulp in her throat.

Oh shi-...

Sure enough, a crackle paired with a flash of purple fury crashed against the half-Sephi’s body. Pain seared from the burning sensation at what felt to be every nerve ending set aflame. Hairs on her limbs stood up on edge at the static rushing throughout her bloodstream. Alara curled onto the floor and let out a loud cry of pain as a feeble attempt of comforting herself. Even the mere tears streaming down her face seemed to corrode her face with further shocks into her pores. When the pain seemed to be diminishing in her body, another shock from the Seeker’s palm ravaged her system again. Alara flailed her arms involuntarily and rolled around in even greater agony.

Not a moment too late, a flame began to burn within the Marauder’s stomach. She wouldn’t let him win this. She couldn’t. The flame grew hotter and hotter until the pain only seemed to further fuel its growth. Alara allowed the Dark Side to consume her at last, and she called upon its beckoning to reanimate her strength. The Savant was blessed with watching the smug grin of her opponent was off his face before her intensified strength formed a fist against his cheek.

Alara could hardly calculate the number of times she pounded the Human due to the Force’s steering. All she saw before her were bloodied knuckles bounding again and again at the elder Equite’s frame; a few in the jaw, another at his kidney, followed by another at his gut. She pressed onward with the Force’s help until she knew he had enough. After all, she didn’t want to kill the poor fellow. She couldn’t remove him from his family; something she learned to treasure well in these last few years. As her fiery spirit cooled within her, Alara stood up from the rather disabled fellow underneath her and brushed off the extra blood from her hands. Andrelious heaved over on his side with a muffled groan as more blood drained from a cracked tooth in his mouth.

“What was that about me being invincible?” the half-Sephi spoke coyly. Her hands instinctively went to her hips as she stood over the man with victorious poise.

“Ugghh…” Andrelious moaned from the ground. He shakily lifted a hand from the ground, called upon the Force, and mended what he could in the short time., Then he lifted himself to his feet. “Alright. I get it. But please. No more putting your feet up on the thrones, kay?”

“Understood, veteran.” Alara jokingly saluted in his direction and began to walk out of the hall.

“You’re leaving? Just like that?” Andrelious called out in confusion.

“Eh, was only here because I was bored. My system got blown up. Gotta find something to do while I can’t enjoy a good homestead in the jungle.” Alara grabbed her sabers off of the ground and clicked them to her belt. “Enjoy your study, Andrelious. No hard feelings.”

“Hey, I’ll say sorry for the Judecca comment when you say sorry for the old-folk jokes.” Andrelious walked over and grabbed his sabers as well.

“Alright, alright.” Alara laughed. She awaited a straightening in the man’s figure and lifted out a hand towards him. “No hard feelings. You’re still pretty strong. Sorry if my jokes went too far.”

“Same here, young’un.” Andrelious laughed and shook her hand.

With that, Alara promptly released the Seeker’s grip and walked out of the hall. Part of her hoped that the next time they meet would be more peaceful since she and his wife Kooki had already met in the battlefield once, but another side to her welcomed the challenge once again. For now though, the fighting was at an end.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 27 May, 2017 3:35 AM UTC

Syntax:
Remember, semicolons are for when both the clause before and the clause after can be full sentences on their own. If one of them can't, you want a regular comma.

No comment was needed[,] at least not yet.

She couldn’t remove him from his family[,] something she learned to treasure well in these last few years.

Not an error, I suppose, but now that I'm on the far side of 30 I have to insist that 42 is not 'elderly.'

She watched in an air of slightly presumed victory as her fiery eyes observed the elderly Equite’s rise from his own fall.

You can't have both a dash and an ellipsis - that's just greedy. The dash implies a sudden interruption, while the ellipsis implies trailing off a la "Oh shiiiiii." Oh, and don't forget we have a bunch of dorky Star Wars swear words linked to over in the Voice Staff Wiki Thing. While you can say 'shit' on the website, remember that it's a minor Realism error to use real world profanity that doesn't show up in canon, namely 'hell' (thanks, Han!), 'damn' (thanks, Obi-wan!), or 'ass' (thanks, Disney?). ...what was I talking about again?

Oh shi-...

You had an extra comma at the end there.

He shakily lifted a hand from the ground, called upon the Force, and mended what he could in the short time.,

Story:
So I think the first 790 words of this rolled along well and then hit a major shift in tone that was a bit jarring. To summarize:

  • Alara and Andrelious attack each other with incredibly lethal plasma swords and then he throws her across the room.
  • He electrocutes her, repeatedly and at length.
  • She beats him until her knuckles are covered in blood and stops because he doesn't want to actually kill him.

And then they joke around for a bit, everyone learns a valuable lesson about not making fun of old middle aged people or genocide, and they part on good terms, literally with a laugh and a handshake.

The narrative works if they beat the crap out of each other. Given that Alara is snarky and Andrelious isn't puppy-murdering evil (and even compares Alara to his daughter earlier), it could also work fine if just fight for a little bit and then deescalate and leave. But this ending just veers from one edge to the other pretty much instantly.

Realism:
I'm not 100% sure this is something that a real person can do. I am 100% sure that this is not something Andrelious can do. It would require you to be quicker and a much more accomplished martial artist, and I'd think about a +3 in Might. See Atra's recent CM report comments about the Rule of Cool.

She took it, but regretted it rather quickly as Andrelious dropped his blade and grabbed hold of the half-Sephi’s calf, pulling her forward over his shoulder.

So first she gets fried by Force Lightning, and the only way she can fight back is Rage. So when the Rage wears off, she should still be ragged from the lightning. Regardless, a pretty key feature of Rage is that it's incredibly exhausting once it wears off. From here on out, Alara speaks and acts as though she hadn't done anything more strenuous than run up one flight of stairs.

“What was that about me being invincible?” the half-Sephi spoke coyly. Her hands instinctively went to her hips as she stood over the man with victorious poise.

Continuity:
No errors that I noticed.

Alara hit Andrelious with her full fury still coursing through her body. It did not matter to the half-Sephi that her opponent hadn’t had anything to do with the attack on Judecca. The fact that he had so callously referred to the event was enough to make her hate him on the spot.

Already physically superior to her aging rival, the extra boost provided by the dark side allowed Alara to force the Taldryanite to remain firmly on the defensive as she varied between strength and speed with each of her strikes.

The ferocity of the attacks were enough to silence Andrelious; only by staying fully committed did he appear to have any chance of even staying alive, let alone turning the tide of the battle. To his dismay, Alara didn’t even seem to be starting to tire. Her blows remained powerful, whilst she left no openings for a counter-attack.

Keeping his blade as solid as he could manage, the male glanced around for the nearest exit. He did not relish the idea of an embarrassing retreat, but his own survival would always come first.

I’ll run. Get back to the ship. Get back to Kooki. Let her deal with this madwoman Andrelious thought.

Ducking under an attempt to remove his head from his shoulders, the Sith finally managed an attack of his own, trying to stab Alara through the heart. As the half-Sephi parried, she appeared to have lost some of her strength. Andrelious took advantage, slamming his lightsaber into its counterpart with a newfound confidence.

“Overestimating your power. The Jedi would say it’s a weakness. I will just use that weakness!” Andrelious snarled.

Continuing his assault, the Taldryanite probed for an opening, forcing Alara to defend almost as desperately as he had moments before. The strain of having been on the defensive during the female’s onslaught caused fatigue to affect the Sith, but he was determined to punish the young girl for making him look so foolish.

Just as he appeared to begin another series of slashes, Andrelious stepped back, moving into a defensive stance. He did not deactivate his lightsaber, but he appeared as if he were about to say something.

“Something on your mind?” Alara hissed.

“As it happens, yes. Clearly we’re at an impasse here. You’re easily my equal. Further fighting is a waste of time. Instead, we should be looking at a way to get revenge on Pravus. For Karufr. And for Judecca,” Andrelious replied, seemingly calm.

Alara almost couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Her Sith opponent had seemed intent on hurting her, maybe even killing her, but now he was wavering.

Perhaps he doesn’t realise how tired I am. If he had kept up what he was doing, I would have been insevere trouble. Maybe he’s overexerted himself. He doesn’t exactly look to be the peak of his fitness, the woman mused.

“You propose an alliance?” Alara questioned.

“For now, more of a truce. We’ll see about an alliance after we’re back at our respective clans,” Andrelious explained.

“Alright. I have very little reason to trust you, but you’re right. I have bigger problems than finishing you off. Besides, someone needs to make the sandwiches for that wife of yours,” the female quipped.

“Let us leave, then. After you,” the Sith answered, smirking.

Alara moved past Andrelious towards the exit. She was still mystified as to why her opponent had suddenly backed down. From what little she knew of Andrelious, he was not one to allow his prey to walk away unscathed.

Just a split-second later, things became crystal clear as a crimson blade slid into Alara’s lower back. She fell to the ground, devastated by the pain from destroyed internal organs.

“So strong. So powerful! I didn’t think you’d be so weak minded!” Andrelious teased as he withdrew his weapon, returning it to its belt clip. Without bothering to so much as check on Alara, he grabbed his other, discarded lightsaber.

As he left the room, the Taldryanite shot one final glance at his wounded opponent.

“Goodbye, Alara. If you survive, I hope you’ll have learned something from this.”

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 27 May, 2017 2:25 AM UTC

Syntax:
Two small typos:

Let her deal with this madwoman[,] Andrelious thought. If he had kept up what he was doing, I would have been in[ ]severe trouble.

Story:
The combat fighting had some good moments, and you can read under Realism to see what I thought of the ending itself.

Realism:
At first I was like 'What the hell, Mark? She's got two combat aspects about how recklessly bloodthirsty she is!' And then I got to the magic words: weak minded. This was a clever use of Mind Trick, with two caveats. First, in character, there should be some sort of focusing hand gesture. That's something that's harder to gloss over in hand to hand combat. But the bigger thing is that I'd want to have a sentence, maybe two, after the reveal to make it clear what happened. For example: did Andrelious use MT to make Alara agree to his offer, or did he use it to plant the notion in her head that he's less exhausted than she is? Did he use Mind Trick, or am I jumping to conclusions because the phrase coincidentally reminded me of a few scenes from the films? Like I said, this was clever and I liked it, but you want to cover all your bases (or whatever the equivalent cricket metaphor is).

Continuity:
No errors that I saw.