Seer Kojiro Keibatsu vs. Battlemaster Jurdan Krennel

Seer Kojiro Keibatsu

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Marauder, Krath
vs.

Battlemaster Jurdan Krennel

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Marauder
Comment

Thank you both for this match. It's interesting to take the view of a newcomer versus someone who's life is quite literally devoted to their clan, but more importantly a faction within it.

This led to the obvious "you are unworthy" conflict. That's okay, obvious is sometimes the right way to go. You both did a good job describing the movement of combat, but there wasn't much emotional weight behind any of it. You should be focused on finding a way to hook your reader and get them invested in the characters present. They should be able to feel the emotions, or at least envision them.

As it stands, this was closer to the average offering than it was something unique and eye catching. The potential for interest is there, but the implementation needs to be refined. There is a rich history of character there for the taking. Find it and make it grow.

With the scores tallied, Seer Kojiro Keibatsu is the winner.

Looking forward to your future matches.

Hall The Harrowing [Clan Naga Sadow]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition The Harrowing
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Seer Kojiro Keibatsu , Battlemaster Jurdan Krennel
Winner Seer Kojiro Keibatsu
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Seer Kojiro Keibatsu 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Jurdan Krennel's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Jakku: Fallen Starship
Last Post 23 May, 2017 7:33 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Duke Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Multiple errors throughout both posts. See the comments. Rationale: Multiple errors throughout both posts. See the comments.
Story - 40%
Duke Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: While some motivation for the scenario was given, there wasn't very much meat to the story itself. It was a rather inconsequential conflict with some dialogue, but there was no weight to it. The emotions of the characters didn't come through. The asides from his "Goddess" were a nice touch, however. Rationale: The writing was rather stilted throughout, especially in the case of dialogue. It read like the characters were reading from a script they hadn't memorized with a monotone. You established the reason for the encounter and used the venue, but there was no weight or emotion for the characters.
Realism - 25%
Duke Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Some head scratching errors in your first post. Second was more grounded and had an even exchange in combat. Rationale: Issues throughout. Please refer to the comments.
Continuity - 20%
Duke Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Tribune Kanal O'neill
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues were noted. Rationale: No issues were noted.
Duke Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow's Score: 3.65 Tribune Kanal O'neill's Score: 3.4
Posts

Jakku Fallen Starship

A year after the destruction of the second Death Star in the celebrated Battle of Endor, another war was waged between the New Republic and Galactic Empire. Basking beneath the desert sun of Jakku rests the remnants of this hostility. Shifting sands have since buried and uncovered countless treasures and relics- to the delight of scavengers eager who hope to recover tokens from either side of the conflict!

The harsh desert offers little shelter from the elements, remaining barren and flat against the imposing backdrop of a fallen Star Destroyer that was left uncovered after the famed Battle of Jakku. Rather than allowing the vessel to fall into the hands of the Republic after the self-destruct had been sabotaged, Captain Ciena Ree ordered the Inflictor evacuated and sent it crashing to the planet’s surface. Sunken into the shifting desert sea, the upper portion of the Inflictor’s hull and exhaust ports remain otherwise intact, preserved amidst the rubble of untold casualties that had once occurred on both sides. Although it has been scoured by the passing of several sandstorms, it still displays the former power and might of the Galactic Empire.

Fallen Starship

Innumerous scraps of metal and machines of war share the same grave, echoing the lives of those who fought and died among the perilous wastes. Hundreds of these relics sit untouched, lingering amidst the ghosts that tend and reside in Jakku’s graveyard.

Jakku’s blistering heat cause a bead of sweat to fall from Jurdan’s forehead. He had never before set foot on this sand ball and for good reason. He had received a communique from Kojiro Keibatsu, his counterpart from Marka Ragnos. The message was cryptic but it requested that he meet on Jakku in the remains of a derelict Star Destroyer.

Jurdan made his way through an opening in the superstructure. There was so much damage, however; the ship was still pretty much intact for what it had been through. Wandering the corridors was like stepping into the final moments of the Battle of Jakku. He wondered what the crew had to be thinking when they knew they were crashing to the planet. The hangar bay seemed like the ideal spot for a meeting of the two Sadowans because of how big and open it was. He decided to make his way straight there from where he now stood.

The dark hallways eventually opened into a somewhat illuminated hangar bay. There were wrecks of TIE Fighters and Bombers all over the place. In the middle of it all stood Kojiro with his lightsaber pike in hand propping himself up as if he had been waiting for a while.

“Krennel. You made me wait.” Kojiro said with a modulated deep voice. “In the future I would hope that counterpart from Shar Dakahn could be on time.”

“My apologies Kojiro but this ship is huge. It took me some time to get here with some of the halls being blocked off.” Jurdan explained.

“No excuses! Now I will show you the errors of your impudence.” He said as he ignited his Lightsaber Pike.

“So thats how you want to play this? Very well.” Jurdan finished as he pulled his Lightsaber, Shiny and Chrome, from his belt clip. With a snap-hiss the purple blade shimmered to life.

The two Aediles stared at each other waiting for one or the other to make the first move. Jurdan made the first move taking a running start at his opponent. He hadn’t fought against a pike like this before so he knew he had to be careful.

As he approached Kojiro he left the ground and leapt up into a full somersault flip in the air. He landed behind his opponent and swung his lightsaber backwards trying to catch him off guard. Kojiro knew he would try something like this and had already turned into the attack blocking the purple blade with his own. He pushed the attack backwards and into the ground and then performed a roundhouse kick to Jurdan’s purple chest plate. The armor buckled from the impact and he felt himself start to fall backwards. He quickly composed himself and looked at his enemy.

“Nice kick. You are a true competitor. I can see you won’t be easy to handle.” Jurdan said with a smile on his face. It had been so long since he had a good challenge to meet his own prowess.

Darth Renatus, 25 May, 2017 12:52 AM UTC

Syntax

Jakku’s blistering heat [caused] a bead of sweat

Watch your tenses. This should be in the past.

There was so much damage, [however] the ship was still pretty much intact for what it had been through.

Close, but this isn't how a semicolon work. They split two independent clauses. Your ", however" joins the clauses together, rendering it moot in this scenario.

In the middle of it all stood Kojiro with his lightsaber pike in hand[,] propping himself up as if he had been waiting for a while.

Should break up the flow with a comma here. If you led with this section, you'd throw a comma after it. Same reasoning here.

“Krennel. You made me wait[,”] Kojiro said with a modulated deep voice.

being blocked off[,”] Jurdan explained.

your impudence[,” he] said as he

to handle[,”] Jurdan said

In "he said/she said", the dialogue and the rest form a single sentence. You'd use a comma here, never a period.

Jurdan finished as he pulled his [lightsaber], Shiny and Chrome, from his belt clip

A lightsaber isn't a proper noun so it has no need of a capital.

As he approached Kojiro[,] he left the ground and leapt up into a full somersault flip in the air.

There should be a comma breaking this up so it reads with proper flow.


Story

The pacing here is very clipped and so is your sentence structure. Look into varying up the sentence length and don't be afraid of sentence fragments. While frowned upon in structured writing, they can be quite impactful in narrative form. Your dialogue also falls somewhat flat. However, you have good ideas and the base is clearly here. Just a matter of practice and critique.


Realism

“My apologies Kojiro but this ship is huge. It took me some time to get here with some of the halls being blocked off.” Jurdan explained.

This doesn't really jive with two of your aspects: Didn't Say Anything About That and Heavy Handed. The latter especially, in the sense that this is far too agreeable. Your sheet shows a character that pushes his weight around and assures his advantage. This is far too agreeable and submissive.

The two Aediles stared at each other waiting for one or the other to make the first move.

Your opponent has two Combat Aspects that explicitly state he loves combat and will even throw himself into harm's way. Why would he merely stand there once combat was inevitable? This is a very minor hit, but one nonetheless.

The man talks too much. Kill him quickly and get this over with, you have better things to do than play with fools.

She always seemed to chime in when he least wanted and he tutted outwardly as Jurden moved in for a lunge, which in turn turned out to be a feint that developed into a cut to the clones right. Kojiro's hands adjusted their grip and brought the blade of the pike down, knocking it wide. As he did so moved his body backwards and to the left, once more his hands easily slid down the weapon and he pushed feeling the length of the weapon pass through his hands in a thrust that would have skewered the other man through the throat, however Jurden had managed to retract his saber, holding it tight across his body in time to block the blow. As the pike thrust was redirected Koji used the momentum to spin on his heel, momentarily turning his back to the Shar Darkhan Aedile and drove the rear of the weapon backwards. This movement caught Krennel off guard, clipping him across the side of the head, opening a slight tear in the man's skin.

Blood began to pool but before the Keibatsu had time to recover from his risky strike he felt a surge of nothing strike him in the back and send him soaring forward. His right arm crashed into one of the ship's metal supports, a crash of metal on metal echoed down the corridor as the clone tumbled and turned. Finally, he met a bulkhead which stopped his momentum and he shook his head dazed.

That was hilarious, do it again.

“Some Goddess you are, where’s my support?”

Nothing, then again she rarely responded once he called her out. Still dazed he pushed himself to his feet and reached out with the Force calling his pike back to him. As it rested back in his hands after its short hop from the ground Koji looked back up the corridor. Jurden had begun to move towards him and was gaining a bit more ground that the clone would have liked given his current predicament in seeing more stars than had any right to be inside a ship. The distance between them was closing fast and he estimated he had about two hundred meters before they were engaged once more. A snap-hiss echoed nearby and it took him a couple of seconds to realise he had ignited his own weapon once more. Light washed over him and without thinking it through he took two steps forward, hefting the pike as he did so, drew back his arm and hurled it like a primitive javelin straight down the corridor towards his opponent.

So caught up in closing the gap between the clone and himself Jurden failed to notice the saber pike soaring towards him. Something in the Force tweaked and he raised his saber up in time to deflect the red missile away from his face and he heard the almost inaudible woosh of the weapon as it passed by his ear. Sweat began to appear on his brow as he began to take in just exactly how lucky he was to still be alive. The pike clattered with a wall somewhere behind him and disengaged.

“You nearly kriffing killed me!” The man yelled down the corridor to his opponent. “This is meant to be a friendly tournament you freak! Clan brother against clan brother!” The anger had begun to rise at the audacity of the man before him.

Kojiro moved towards him. His heavy footsteps clattering upon the metal beneath his feet. “Brother? You are no brother of mine. I am Nihilegenia, I am Keibatsu and I am Naga Sadow. You? You’re a traitor. Betrayed your own clan for the glory of a position,” the words rang with venom as they left the cyborgs mouth. They dripped with poison that quickly seeped into the other man's mind. “A clan, I might add, that murdered members of my armed forces. You are no Sadow. You are weak, and the weak must be purged.” A soft movement followed these final words and a snap-hiss filled the corridor. The Keibatsu stood illuminated in silver light as a second saber came to life in his hands. “This is the weapon of my predecessor, a woman of two masters. Perhaps I’ll add yours to my collection next.”

Ooh, that has to hurt. You are really not planning on making any friends today are you?

As her words seeped into his mind the clone let out a roar and charged once more into the fray.

Darth Renatus, 25 May, 2017 1:17 AM UTC

Syntax

into a cut to the [clone's] right.

Should be in the possessive here. The right belongs to him!

As he did so[, he] moved his body backwards and to the left

Appears to be missing words here to have proper structure.

As he did so moved his body backwards and to the left, once more his hands easily slid down the weapon and he pushed feeling the length of the weapon pass through his hands in a thrust that would have skewered the other man through the throat, however Jurden had managed to retract his saber, holding it tight across his body in time to block the blow.

Holy run-on, Batman! I've had to read this a couple times just to get a sense of what exactly is going on in it. Still not sure I fully grasp the intent and can't even take a stab at correcting it to the proper meaning. I'd just end up rewriting the whole thing.

from his risky strike[,] he felt a surge of nothing strike him

Still dazed[,] he pushed himself to his feet

In the first example here, you are also repeating "strike". Change up your word use to avoid repetition and keep the reader engaged. Beyond that, you have an issue throughout your post with missing commas to improve sentence flow.

Koji vs. Kojiro

You swap between these two in your post. I'm unclear if "Koji" is an intended nickname. I haven't marked it down, but context would help. The consistency is why it isn't a mark right now.

Jurden

You use this throughout your match. Your opponent's name is "Jurdan".

killed me!” [the] man yelled

While this is "yelled", it is still the "he said/she said" structure and all part of a single sentence.

You nearly kriffing killed me!” The man yelled down the corridor to his opponent. “This is meant to be a friendly tournament you freak! Clan brother against clan brother!” The anger had begun to rise at the audacity of the man before him.

You need to denote who's speaking. You use "the man" and "the man before him". I'm assuming this is Jurdan talking.

position[.” The] words rang with venom as they left the cyborgs mouth.

This is an action and not part of the dialogue. No comma here.

Italic usage

Your use of italics in your dialogue is somewhat strange. You may be going for a metallic/distorted voice, but because you're also using it for mental dialogue and for Jurdan's dialogue it is just out of place.


Story

She always seemed to chime in when he least wanted

This is really jarring as a reader. Who is "she"? This isn't established in Jurdan's post, obviously, and is present in your Aspects (which is why this isn't a Realism issue) but there lacks context. Assume the reader doesn't know anything and give them the hints to understand this is Kojiro's "goddess".

Blood began to pool but before the Keibatsu had time to recover from his risky strike he felt a surge of nothing strike him in the back and send him soaring forward.

This is a fine thing to do, but you need to contextualize it later on, which you never do. I presume this was a Hammer Time hit of some kind, but lack the information to do anything beyond a guess.


Realism

and he estimated he had about two hundred meters before they were engaged once more.

This provides context to how far "soaring forward" was, and is frankly a little ridiculous. It reads like an anime punch sent you flying through the corridors. Even at +6 Telekinesis you wouldn't go that far. That's the length of almost two football fields. (Both American and British variants!)

So caught up in closing the gap between the clone and himself Jurden failed to notice the saber pike soaring towards him

It's literally coming straight at him. This is like a comedy where he asks "why is the baseball getting bigger? Oh." He may have low Perception, but there's nothing on the sheet that suggests this level of carelessness.

“You are clearly insane and have no kriffing idea what you are talking about.” Jurdan yelled at that Seer. “Scholae left me to fend for myself during a battle to capture a Venator Cruiser. They didn’t care for me like they did for my brother. I wasn’t even involved with the events you are clearly upset about. I was standing guard in the Emperor’s Palace in Ohmen. Shortly after the event that you are describing Xen had become possessed by an evil Sith Lord named Fallax. He forced me to watch as he tortured my brother. When he was done he murdered him in front of me and forced me to carry his lifeless body into the streets for all Scholae to see.” He paused briefly. He felt as if a dam was about to come crashing down around him.

“Lies. All of it lies. You expect me to believe you came to the proud clan of Naga Sadow for anything but your own glory!” Kojiro shouted across the corridor.

“You can believe what you like. After everything that happened, Evelynn found me adrift and saved my life. I owe my life to Shar Dakhan and to Naga Sadow for taking me in, especially in the state I was in. And now you have made a huge mistake.” Jurdan said with a soft voice trying to compose himself. “You have questioned my honor and now you will pay!”

Jurdan leapt into the air like a leaf on the wind. He landed with a forward roll near the feet of the Seer. He made a powerful swipe with his purple blade attacking the man’s legs. The Seer had just barely enough time to jump into the air to avoid the attack. Jurdan had foreseen this course of action and immediately jumped directly into the path of Kojiro. His body twisted through the air as he launched himself like a torpedo landing his shoulder into his opponent as he landed on the ground.

Kojiro absorbed the blow with his chest and he felt his chest empty of air like a bubble that suddenly popped. He fell to one knee trying to catch his breath but he didn’t have long for the next attack. Jurdan quickly regained his balance and kicked the Lightsaber out of his opponents hand. The blade flew across the makeshift arena. It hit a wall and the blade evaporated into nothingness leaving the hilt to fall lifeless to the deck. Jurdan held the blade to the man’s throat.

“This battle doesn’t need to go any further. Do you yield Kojiro?” Jurdan questioned him. “We are on the same side. I don’t need to prove myself to you. I already have Sang and Evelynn’s confidence. I am now part of Naga Sadow and this is where I will stay. We have more important things to prepare for. There are rumblings of another all out Jedi War. We need to focus our combined talents to take out the other clans. Are you with me or not?”

“I still don’t trust you, but you have proven yourself a good fighter. I may not know all of your past and I may have called you out on things that you were not involved in. I yield this duel to you.” Kojiro said as he climbed to his feet. He walked over to reclaim his weapons as the two exited the massive corpse of this Destroyer.

Darth Renatus, 25 May, 2017 1:28 AM UTC

Syntax

about[,”] Jurdan yelled

glory[,”] Kojiro shouted

Because this is denoting dialogue and not an action, it is part of the same sentence.

with his chest and he felt his chest empty of air

Repetitious wordplay. It is important to break it up, especially in the same sentence, to keep the reader engaged.

Lightsaber

Don't capitalize this. It's not a proper noun.


Realism

“You have questioned my honor and now you will pay!”

As per "Didn't Say Anything About That", your character doesn't much care about moral compass concepts. That includes "honor". You seem to have some difference between how you portray your character and the aspects on your sheet. You may want to consider custom aspects to avoid this issue.

Jurdan had foreseen this course of action and immediately jumped directly into the path of Kojiro.

Careful with your word choice here. "Foreseen" implies you used Farsight or Precognition. In the former, you don't have that power. In the latter, that isn't how it works. Precog is specifically impending threats to your person. I haven't knocked this as a mark against you due to the ambiguity but drawing awareness to it.

“I still don’t trust you, but you have proven yourself a good fighter. I may not know all of your past and I may have called you out on things that you were not involved in. I yield this duel to you.” Kojiro said as he climbed to his feet. He walked over to reclaim his weapons as the two exited the massive corpse of this Destroyer.

This falls flat from both a Story perspective and a Realism one. Remember to rely on your opponent's aspects. Kojiro would most likely need to be killed or completely incapacitated to end a fight. Unless you're, say, someone he is already loyal to. Which isn't the case here.

As Koji ran up the corridor towards the other man the area around him begun to blur in his vision as he felt the Force wash over him, pushing him on. Silver blade trailed after him and as the two warriors approached one another he jumped. Once his feet left the floor a quick activation of the rocket systems in his boots kicked in and rocketed the Nihilgenia towards his opponent. They came within inches one another, the Keibatsu swung with all his might, his target raised his own blade. The clash was titanic. The air hummed as blade struck blade. Pure aggression fueled the Keibatsu as he struck again and again but each blow was countered by an equally annoyed and equally skilled foe. An uppercut was knocked aside and deflected, a side swipe in retaliation was gingerly dodged whilst the fist of the clone swung around and managed to creep in behind Jurdan's defences cracking him across the jaw. For his effort, Kojiro took a knee to the midsection and annoyed at himself for overextending the Keibatsu drew back with a feral snarl.

“Worms like you don’t deserve the honour of serving Sadow or being in command of men, your entire house is a joke,” as he spat the last words he moved in once more delivering hammer blow after hammer blow to the other man's blade. To his credit the other man held strong, but then it was obvious to the Keibatsu his own strength did not match his opponents. “Why resist the inevitable, clearly your own Clan didn’t want you. Why should we have you, why? Tell me why?”

A further deflection was met by a kick to the Keibatsus knee which buckled his stance and as he fell he raised his blade to knock aside a thrust that would have skewered his solar plexus. Instead, it drove into the machinery of his cybernetic shoulder. The stench of cooked wiring met his senses and he stayed where he knelt looking up into the face of the man who had delivered the blow.

“Because it seems I’m meant to be here. If I can wound even the great Keibatsu. Then again I guess it’s not difficult, you’re not exactly the Grand Master are you?” He pulled back his saber and the acrid smell grew stronger. He snorted and failed to take in Kojiro’s hand beckon. “From what I heard, you’re just some clone. Some fake thing created in a lab…”

A force cracked into his back and he grunted. Something metal hit the floor and rolled and it took him a few moments to focus on the object. The saber spear rolled away using the momentum of the Force pull to once again skitter into one of the walls. The distraction was all the Keibatsu needed and he threw a punch. A low punch. Much lower than any man had a right to throw upon another. A whine left the other man and he buckled, joining the Keibatsu on the floor.

“Che….cheap shot,” he muttered as the pain began to take over his body. A single tear pooled in the corner of his eye and he muttered something.

A ghostly laugh echoed around Kojiro's head, at least someone was pleased.

“No one insults my heritage. At this moment I’m more man than you,” Koji rose, painfully and reached out with the Force once again. The pike nestled in his hand then with a flick of his wrist and a turn he brought the metal pole around smashing it across the side of the winded man's head. Blood and spittle cascaded down the man's front, a tooth joined the mess. A second follow-up blow then a third cross cut finally put him down.

The Keibatsu didn’t even stop to observe his handiwork, instead, he reached down, pried the fallen man's lightsaber from his fingers and turned, leaving the area and the fallen man to the emptiness of the fallen starship.

Darth Renatus, 25 May, 2017 1:35 AM UTC

Syntax

behind Jurdan's defences[,] cracking him across the jaw.

You're using the right name this time, but still an issue with missing commas.

midsection and[,] annoyed at himself for overextending[,] the Keibatsu drew back with a feral snarl.

This is an aside and should be separate from the main sentence through punctuation.

Italics in dialogue

Again, this is everywhere in your post. Why?

A ghostly laugh echoed around Kojiro's head[. At] least someone was pleased.

These should be individual sentences.