Savant Alara Deathbane vs. Seer Xantros

Savant Alara Deathbane

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Sephi, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Seer Xantros

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Duros, Force Disciple, Shadow, Consular
Comment

Xantros, you did a good job on realism this time around as well as continuity. Good job. Story and Syntax are your weak points. For syntax, I recommend that you get better proofs. For story, the big thing keeping you back is your lack of details. I need you to show the story to me more if you want to break into story scores of 3 and above. Keep it up!

Alara, you did a great job with syntax and continuity. The story was decent as well. Realism really hurt you the most here. I'd take a look at the ACC guide again or ask a buddy for a sanity check. The biggest advice I have to you is to vary your story. I am noticing a tendency to just have your character physically dominate your opponent, but the problem is that it is hard to root for as a reader. I am not saying you can't take this route, but you need to vary the story in creative ways. Overall, I think you are improving nicely in the ACC. Keep at it!

Overall, the winner of this match is Xantros. This was a very close match that ultimately came down to realism mistakes. While Xantros didn't write a whole lot and his story suffered accordingly, he also kept a clean Realism score. This would be a case of the more you write the more opportunities to find issues. That said, I wouldn't rely on this tactic as better story scores will crush it. Thank you for your time and efforts. Till next time!

~Aura Ta'var

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Alara Deathbane, Seer Xantros
Winner Seer Xantros
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Alara Deathbane's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Seer Xantros's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Takodana: Maz Kanata’s Castle
Last Post 6 June, 2017 7:11 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Adept Xantros Alara Deathbane
Score: 2 Score: 4
Rationale: More of the usual from you again. You really need to work on your syntax as in may cases it makes it very hard to understand the story. Rationale: You did a pretty good job overall with your syntax. Nicely done.
Story - 40%
Adept Xantros Alara Deathbane
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: I need more details to your story. This is crucial if you want to get to a 3 in this category. You put down some good ideas but you need to SHOW them enough for me to really get into the story. Rationale: A decent fighting story, but one I've read a few times already. It was not very compelling.
Realism - 25%
Adept Xantros Alara Deathbane
Score: 5 Score: 2
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: There was one major issue related to the opening volley in your first post, and several minor issues in your second post.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Xantros Alara Deathbane
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Adept Xantros's Score: 3.35 Alara Deathbane's Score: 3.3
Posts

[Takadona Maz Kanata’s Castle](Asset Not Found)

When the First Order beset on Takadona, Maz Kanata’s castle took the brunt of the assault. Located on the shore of a lake that was owned by the pirate Maz Kanata, it served as a haven for travelers, smugglers and other unsavory characters. Sensor grids and advanced communication gear secured the castle from unannounced attacks, giving its owner and visitors enough notice to flee the scene.

The area around it is rumored to have been the battleground for the Jedi and Sith, being of strategic value for those willing to seek control over Takadona. Inside, the castle’s gray exterior vanishes into shades of brown, the color of sandstone. Tables and chairs fill the cluttered spaces where travelers could share tales or pursue their own controversial interests. Unfiltered smoke permeates the air, clogging the senses with a sweet odor. Various criminal groups have at some time or another sought shelter in the castle, their passage evidenced by the many-colored banners outside bearing their insignia.

[Takadona Maz Kanata’s Castle](Asset Not Found)

Now, the castle remains uninhabited. Several of its towers have crumbled under the First Order’s assault. Stonework pillars have toppled over, scorched from turbolasers and blaster fire. Other segments lie in ruin, still too new for the forest to have reclaimed the land around the castle.

Alara stepped through the rubble and ruins which the First Order had left behind from what used to be the great pirate/smuggler castle of Takadona. The damp smell of stone and mildew rose into Alara’s nostrils. She stepped further into what was left of the entrance and entered the main hall. As Aedile, she was always travelling across the galaxies on some mission or another. This time, she was asked to rendevous with a returned Scholae Palatinae member in regards to testing his training. He was apparently a Grey, gone Jedi, and then Jedi gone Grey. Did this mean he was trustworthy? Braecen, her Quaestor, thought so. However, he knew Alara could cover any precautions. She wanted to see where he stood with the Grand Master. Especially after the destruction of the Cocytus Empire.

Just as she was about to admire the few rays of sunlight that peered through the ruin’s ceiling, the man of the hour stepped in: Seer Xantros. The Duros’ scarred face looked left and right at the shattered walls and windows that once stood in strength and in criminalized regality. He finally spotted Alara, who was already on her way to what was left of Maz Kanata’s mock throne. She dusted its seat and took rest there with a quick cross of her legs to depict some sort of casualness.

“Ah, there you are. It’s quite the sight isn’t it? And doesn’t seem like it’s been sitting this way for too long. Pesky First Order.” Alara teased.

“You must be Aedile Alara Deathbane. Pleasure to meet your acquaintance.” Xantros gave a slight nod-of-a-bow, and approached her further. He then offered a hand to shake.

The half-Sephi took his offer and shook his blue-skinned hand. “Heard you transferred back and forth from Odan-Urr. What for?”

“Well… The Force leads me in strange ways. I couldn’t agree with what was happening around me. Especially after the Grand Master’s attack on Cocytus,” he spoke carefully. “I’m really sorry for your losses. I’m sure there are many.”

Alara hid her emotions before they could be seen. “Thank you. I appreciate your sentiment. You do realize though that I’m going to have to challenge you further.”

“I’d be offended and rather shocked if you didn’t.” the Duros shrugged.

“Why didn’t you go to some other clan? Why Scholae Palatinae once again?” Alara pushed forward.

“Well, you’re the only clan that lost an entire system by someone that I once looked up to. Not only do I want to help you seek vengeance, but I know you’ll need my help if you want to do so. I know you’ve missed me.”

“You speak rather confidently of yourself. You’ve intrigued me.” Alara crossed her arms and smiled. “Go on.”

“I’m incredibly prepared. I make a great assassin, and I’ve obviously got history with crucial battle sequences,” he went on. “ You’ll need my precision.”

“Well if you’re an assassin, you’re definitely in the right House.” Alara chuckled. She unfolded her hands and rested them on her hip.

“Aye. So what else do you need? Paper trails?” Xantros questioned curiously.

“Well, the usual and inevitable is what’s left.” Alara clipped a saber from her belt and ignited its bright yellow plasma. “Gotta test your skills in combat.”

“You sure you want to go against an assassin such as myself?” the Seer asked with a hint of doubt.

“Xantros, you’ll soon learn that I have experience in herding sneakity sneaks.” Alara used her other hand to unclip and clicked on her other orange saber.

“Well, we’ll see about that,” Xantros smirked, “You’ve never faced an assassin like me.” With that, the male Equite sparked his own violet saber to life.

He ran towards his opponent and slashed the saber towards her, but was countered by Alara’s own yellow saber. Staring over the bright sparking blades between them, the Aedile couldn’t help but crack a smile.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 16 June, 2017 3:31 AM UTC

Syntax

Spelling Issues.

This time, she was asked to rende[z]vous with a returned Scholae Palatinae member in regards to testing his training.

No comma needed when the subject of the second verb is the same as the first part of the sentence.

Xantros gave a slight nod-of-a-bow[] and approached her further.

Comma needed.

“I’d be offended and rather shocked if you didn’t[,]” the Duros shrugged.

Period needed.

“Well, we’ll see about that,” Xantros smirked[.] “You’ve never faced an assassin like me.” With that, the male Equite sparked his own violet saber to life.

Story

Good. You have told me why this fight must take place. This is followed up with some nice dialogue.

As Aedile, she was always travelling across the galaxies on some mission or another. This time, she was asked to rendevous with a returned Scholae Palatinae member in regards to testing his training. He was apparently a Grey, gone Jedi, and then Jedi gone Grey. Did this mean he was trustworthy? Braecen, her Quaestor, thought so. However, he knew Alara could cover any precautions. She wanted to see where he stood with the Grand Master. Especially after the destruction of the Cocytus Empire.

Combat initiated. Good.

He ran towards his opponent and slashed the saber towards her, but was countered by Alara’s own yellow saber. Staring over the bright sparking blades between them, the Aedile couldn’t help but crack a smile.

Realism

Per Xantros’s ‘Bothan’s Do It From Behind’ aspect, this would not be something that he would employ. It is too basic an attack. If you had included some sort of sneaky reason behind it that is the true attack, then I could get behind this but as it stands it is out of character for Xantros.

He ran towards his opponent and slashed the saber towards her, but was countered by Alara’s own yellow saber. Staring over the bright sparking blades between them, the Aedile couldn’t help but crack a smile.

After launching the initial attack that turned out to be unsuccessful, Xantros stepped back. He looked around and grinned evilly. The place was full of fallen walls that remained in ruins after the battle between the First Order and the Resistance. They provided enough cover for the Seer to move unnoticed by the Aedile of House Excidium, especially if he augmented his attempts to avoid detection by his opponent with the Force.

The Duros looked at Alara and grinned evilly, taunting her, "You are definitely powerful and you say that you know how to deal with assassins like me. However, you need to find and to catch me first."

With these words, Xantros turned backwards and run away weaving among fallen walls of the ruins of the castle. Though he was aware that the half-Sephi followed him almost as quickly as he run, he managed to remain few meters ahead of her. He finally found a proming wall. He was breathing slightly heavier than usually, but still managed to focus on calling the Force to mask his presence from the senses of the Savant.

Alara appeared from behind of the wall just a second after Xantros disappeared. She stopped and looked around to see, if there were any traces of her opponent visible. He moved cautiously, expecting an attack from behind at any moment. However, the Duros did not attempt to attack her directly. He had other plans for Alara. He slowly crawled away to find a shelter on the other side of the wall. As he moved that focused on maintaining the camouflage, he heard the half-Selphi speaking, "Do not worry, Xantros. I will find you and when I do so, I will teach you a lesson."

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 16 June, 2017 3:32 AM UTC

Syntax

Incorrect word usage

He was breathing slightly heavier than [usual], but still managed to focus on calling the Force to mask his presence from the senses of the Savant.

Tense issue

Though he was aware that the half-Sephi followed him almost as quickly as he [ran], he managed to remain few meters ahead of her. He finally found a proming wall. With these words, Xantros turned backwards and [ran] away[,] weaving among fallen walls of the ruins of the castle.

Unclear language, what do you mean by ‘proming’?

Though he was aware that the half-Sephi followed him almost as quickly as he run, he managed to remain few meters ahead of her. He finally found a proming wall.

Comma issue. No comma needed if the subject of the first and second verb have the same subject. In the second example, the comma isn’t needed before the ‘if’.

He was breathing slightly heavier than usual[] but still managed to focus on calling the Force to mask his presence from the senses of the Savant. She stopped and looked around to see if there were any traces of her opponent visible.

Sentence structure issue. You should probably use something like ‘grinned evilly, taunting her as he said’.

The Duros looked at Alara and grinned evilly, taunting her, "You are definitely powerful and you say that you know how to deal with assassins like me. However, you need to find and to catch me first."

Unclear sentence structure at the beginning. Not sure how to assist you.

As he moved that focused on maintaining the camouflage, he heard the half-Selphi speaking, "Do not worry, Xantros. I will find you and when I do so, I will teach you a lesson."

Story

Good use of your ‘Bothan’s Do It From Behind’ Aspect and ‘Think Through Your Exits’.

The Duros looked at Alara and grinned evilly, taunting her, "You are definitely powerful and you say that you know how to deal with assassins like me. However, you need to find and to catch me first."

A hint at why Xantros is doing things. Nice.

However, the Duros did not attempt to attack her directly. He had other plans for Alara. He slowly crawled away to find a shelter on the other side of the wall. As he moved that focused on maintaining the camouflage, he heard the half-Selphi speaking, "Do not worry, Xantros. I will find you and when I do so, I will teach you a lesson."

There is no real action in your post, which should have a good bit of it considering it is the second post in the story. In future, you can fight indirectly and be fine but don’t just make it a running away contest.

Unclear storytelling here. I got it eventually but as written it makes it seem as if you might be using the powers in ways that aren’t correct. On a second read and after conferring with judges, it looks doable but is not clear at all.

Though he was aware that the half-Sephi followed him almost as quickly as he run, he managed to remain few meters ahead of her. He finally found a proming wall. He was breathing slightly heavier than usually, but still managed to focus on calling the Force to mask his presence from the senses of the Savant. Alara appeared from behind of the wall just a second after Xantros disappeared. She stopped and looked around to see, if there were any traces of her opponent visible. He moved cautiously, expecting an attack from behind at any moment.

Alara retracted her sabers, clipped them to their holding place on her belt, held her hands up to her temples and called upon the Force to guide her. Sure enough, it responded and opened her eyes to what surrounded her. She could feel that Xantros was just around the corner. She silenced a chuckle that nearly fell from her lips and pretended to walk around aimlessly.

“Come out, come out, wherever you are…” Alara toyed with her combatant. She whistled a haunting, lullaby-like tune as she swung around the room in playful motions. While trusting the Force, the half-Sephi purposefully turned her back away from where she knew the Duros was hiding. The Force quickly warned her of an impending swing from the turquoise-skinned foe which she quickly acknowledged and gracefully spun around to meet him. Alara then encapsulated his fist with her palm and asked the Force in her mind to help her soften the blow. Xantros huffed and continued to push forward with his strength, but the Aedile could not be staggered. Instead, she was triggered to laughter.

“Nicely done, Xantros. Your camouflage will do you well in Excidium. We all tend to lurk in the shadows, not much like our counterparts elsewhere in the Empire. But I am prompted to ask you this… Is that all you’ve got?”

“We shall see, Lady Deathbane.” Xantros grunted with a smile. He returned his fist to his side and reached for his saber once again.

Alara nodded in agreement and ignited her sabers as well, “Let’s dance, pretty boy.”

With a feline-like grace, the half-Sephi twirled in the air towards her opponent. Flashes of orange, yellow, and purple filled the castle ruins as the two continued to parry attacks from one another. The Duros was a fantastic opponent, but it was evident that he had issues blocking attacks from multiple sabers at once. Alara’s confidence continued to soar as she observed the sweat dripping from her new recruit’s cerulean brow. She purposely parried his attack with her left yellow saber, and while keeping him busy with that sliced the ground next to him with her right. With a yelp, Xantros leapt out of Alara’s reach.

“Here, let’s make things a little easier.” Alara smirked. She clicked the button of her left saber, turned off its plasma, and clipped the hilt back to her belt. With a nod, she gestured the Seer with her free hand. He nodded back and stepped forward to return to battle. The two danced the fighters’ dance, blocking each hit with precision, until Alara could sense her opponent growing tired. She raised her saber and slashed it downwards with all her strength. Xantros managed to stop the saber’s approach, but only with a shaking grip. At this, Alara took advantage of the moment and sent her foot directly to his stomach.

“YOWWCHH!” Xantros heaved backwards and landed awkwardly on the damp floor.

“How about this, we lose our sabers and just fight ‘mono-e-mono’?” Alara offered with a grin. Xantros answered only with a nod as he quickly shut down his saber and clipped it to his belt. Alara did the same, and offered him a hand to stand up.

“I guess this is why you’re still Aedile, and why I’m still a bit rusty.” The Duros laughed nervously and accepted her hand.

“No need to worry. I know you’re a great fighter. It’ll all come back in due time. It’s what the test was for.” Alara smiled kindly. She pulled him up with a quick flick of her wrist, and backed up to give him room.

“Alright. Let’s do this.” Xantros shrugged his shoulders and waved his neck from side-to-side in preparation. He raised his hands in the air at mid-stance and shifted his weight to his right side.

Alara hunched herself close to the ground by bending her knees, and held her hands in a similar position by tucking her elbows closely to her hips. “Shadow Step, eh? A true assassin’s form. I’ve dabbled in it a bit myself. Not my strongest suit, though.” She stated and welcomed her opponent to her with a waving palm.

“Yeah, you seem to be more of the front-lines type.” Xantros suggested.

“I strike in many ways. Just depends on the situation I’m in.” With that, Alara stepped forward forcefully and thrusted her fist towards Xantros’ chest.

He dodged successfully and swung his left foot to whack her jaw. Alara dodged the kick by lightly jumping to the side and swung her own right leg to kick him in the rear. Xantros dropped to the ground in a twirl, lifted his left leg to meet hers, shoved it aside, and used his right leg to try and trip her. Alara swung her right leg backwards as if performing a pirouette, hopped slightly to miss her opponent’s attempt at tripping her, and continued her spin to hit his face with her foot. The attempt was successful. The Seer hovered without balance for a moment, but immediately hopped up to resume the fight. Alara nodded at his performance and punched forward with her left fist. Xantros dodged, met his wrist with hers, and tried to strike her with the other fist. Alara snuck her left knee up in time and kicked him backwards. His movements proved he considered returning to fight, but the Duros instead sighed and wagged his shoulders once again.

“Well I think it’s fair to say that wouldn’t go anywhere for me.” Xantros admitted.

Alara dropped her hands from further combat and reached for her cape on the floor nearby. “No biggie, like I said. It’s a measure to see where you’re at. We plan to do more training soon.”

“I promise I’m not as bad as I seem.” he looked towards her seriously.

“I know, I know.” Alara agreed. Suddenly her vision began to shake rapidly, as if her head could not stay still. Her pupils began to flicker in and out of focus. She could barely make out the Duros’ hand that was only but centimetres from her face.

“You will tell no one of my performance in this battle. You will report that I am as sharp as ever in combat.” Xantros’ voice resonated loudly in her ear drums.

Her lips were forced to voice the words that throbbed in her brain. “I will tell no one of your performance in this battle. I will report that you are as sharp as ever in combat.”

With that, the Duros smiled, waved his hand again, and walked away as Alara fell to the ground and into a deep sleep.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 16 June, 2017 3:34 AM UTC

Syntax

Unnecessary comma.

The two danced the fighters’ dance, blocking each hit with precision[] until Alara could sense her opponent growing tired. Alara did the same[] and offered him a hand to stand up. She pulled him up with a quick flick of her wrist[] and backed up to give him room. Alara hunched herself close to the ground by bending her knees[] and held her hands in a similar position by tucking her elbows closely to her hips.

Misspelling.

With that, Alara stepped forward forcefully and [thrust] her fist towards Xantros’ chest.

Comma after an interjection.

“Well[,] I think it’s fair to say that wouldn’t go anywhere for me.” Xantros admitted.

Story

Nice way to use his ‘Bothans Do It From Behind’ aspect.

While trusting the Force, the half-Sephi purposefully turned her back away from where she knew the Duros was hiding. The Force quickly warned her of an impending swing from the turquoise-skinned foe which she quickly acknowledged and gracefully spun around to meet him.

Nice use of his Mind Trick and Dominate Minds

“You will tell no one of my performance in this battle. You will report that I am as sharp as ever in combat.” Xantros’ voice resonated loudly in her ear drums. Her lips were forced to voice the words that throbbed in her brain. “I will tell no one of your performance in this battle. I will report that you are as sharp as ever in combat.” With that, the Duros smiled, waved his hand again, and walked away as Alara fell to the ground and into a deep sleep.

Realism

Alara’s precognition is only at a +1, which is not good enough to do this scene. Yes, she has sense at +4, which could tell her something is coming, but it wouldn’t warn her of an incoming swing. It would just say ‘I feel something close by’. Per the wiki +1 precog is the following: “The Jedi is able to anticipate imminent danger to their person, but often not quick enough to do anything but get out of harm's way and could still get clipped by the attack.”

The Force quickly warned her of an impending swing from the turquoise-skinned foe which she quickly acknowledged and gracefully spun around to meet him.

This would work. She could amplify her strength in her arm, but that wouldn't "soften the blow". Rather, she would just push back harder against it.

Alara then encapsulated his fist with her palm and asked the Force in her mind to help her soften the blow.

Alara has +2 duals and +2 Jar’Kai to +3 single makashi. In addition, Xantros doesn’t have any aspect handicapping his ability to fight dual wielding opponents. Therefore this story shows too big of a skill gap and isn’t realistic.

The Duros was a fantastic opponent, but it was evident that he had issues blocking attacks from multiple sabers at once. Alara’s confidence continued to soar as she observed the sweat dripping from her new recruit’s cerulean brow. She purposely parried his attack with her left yellow saber, and while keeping him busy with that sliced the ground next to him with her right. With a yelp, Xantros leapt out of Alara’s reach.

Why aren’t both of you tired? You both ran around a lot, and both swung about the same amount of times. You both have the same endurance and athletics. What did he do special that makes him that tired? Sure, he used a Force power, but he used it at +3, which doesn’t use as much concentration and doesn’t tire you out as much.

The two danced the fighters’ dance, blocking each hit with precision, until Alara could sense her opponent growing tired. She raised her saber and slashed it downwards with all her strength. Xantros managed to stop the saber’s approach, but only with a shaking grip.

Shadow Step doesn’t strike for the jaw but rather vulnerable parts like the neck.

He dodged successfully and swung his left foot to whack her jaw.

"Actually, it is me, who will teach you a lesson," thought Xantros and grinned evilly. He looked out from behind of the wall and immediately located Alara. He gave up his camouflage and focus on her mind. He used his abilities to influence her senses. He created an illusion of a giant rancor charging at her.

The Seer saw Savant's muscles getting tensed in preparation to strike the beast down with her lightsaber that she just activated. She made several blows in the direction, where the rancor was supposed to be, but the lightsaber did the creature no harm. Her eyes widened, but not due to fear, but because she realized that it was merely the illusion. Her mind managed to see beyond it after few seconds and she continued her search for her enemy.

Seeing that his initial plan did not work as he hoped it would, Xantros focused on Alara's mind once again. He used all his willpower to dominate her own will and to force her to commit a suicide. She slowly rised her lightsaber, preparing herself to push it through her own chest. Finally, he thrusted it through her body. The yellow blade disappeared as the lightsaber fell on the ground with loud noise. The Savant's body dropped on its kneels and fell on the ground.

Xantros walked out from behind his cover and looked at the corpse of Alara. He smiled sadly and said, "You seemed to be a wise person. You should have not challenged me as the risk of dying from my hand was too high. Unfortunately, you have made a deadly mistake."

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 16 June, 2017 3:35 AM UTC

Syntax

Misspelled verb.

She slowly [raised] her lightsaber, preparing herself to push it through her own chest. Finally, he [thrust] it through her body.

Tense issue.

He gave up his camouflage and focus[ed] on her mind.

Wrong article or missing article.

Her eyes widened, but not due to fear, but because she realized that it was merely [an] illusion. Her mind managed to see beyond it after [a] few seconds and she continued her search for her enemy. The yellow blade disappeared as the lightsaber fell on the ground with [a] loud noise.

Wrong word.

The Savant's body dropped on [her knees] and fell on the ground.

Story

Nice indirect way to fight but end the battle. I do want to say that the details were very sparse here. It hurt the story to not see her fight it more, even if she had little ability to do so before she killed herself.

Seeing that his initial plan did not work as he hoped it would, Xantros focused on Alara's mind once again. He used all his willpower to dominate her own will and to force her to commit a suicide. She slowly rised her lightsaber, preparing herself to push it through her own chest. Finally, he thrusted it through her body. The yellow blade disappeared as the lightsaber fell on the ground with loud noise. The Savant's body dropped on its kneels and fell on the ground.

General note again, not a lot of fighting. You could have fixed this by describing the scene where Xantros makes her commit suicide in more detail and it would have came off as much better.

Good. A reason for attacking her.

Xantros walked out from behind his cover and looked at the corpse of Alara. He smiled sadly and said, "You seemed to be a wise person. You should have not challenged me as the risk of dying from my hand was too high. Unfortunately, you have made a deadly mistake."