Raider Bell Fiore vs. Corsair Stres'tong'armis

Raider Bell Fiore

Equite 2, Equite tier, Unaffiliated
Female Human, Mercenary, Ace
vs.

Corsair Stres'tong'armis

Equite 3, Equite tier, Unaffiliated
Male Chiss, Mercenary, Weapons Specialist
Comment

Strong, you wrote a good story besides an early, unexpected end post. Your syntax was also pretty good. Only thing you need to relook at is how lethal blasters can be at +3 and even +4 for an NFU. Overall though, I enjoyed reading your writing. Good job!

Bell, this was an average story with few realism hits and you even had better syntax than I’ve seen lately. This is nice improvement. Keep it up! I would suggest that you participate more in the plot creation though. It will really help you go to the next level.

Overall, the winner of this match is Stres’tong’armis. Syntax won the day for this very close match, proving yet again how key it can be in close matches. It was also a nice story to read overall, so I thank you for taking the time to write it. Good job to both of you and see you again next time!!

~Aura Ta'var

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Raider Bell Fiore, Corsair Stres'tong'armis
Winner Corsair Stres'tong'armis
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Raider Bell Fiore's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Corsair Stres'tong'armis's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ahch-To: Ancient Islands
Last Post 2 June, 2017 12:00 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
General Stres'tron'garmis Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: There are only a few mistakes in your first post. Good job! Rationale: This still needs a proofing but you have improved. Just watch out for commas after introductory clauses please. Otherwise, Good job!
Story - 40%
General Stres'tron'garmis Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: This was a four as it had a lot of nice elements to it, but the biggest hit was the unexpected ending in the third post to a singular story format that has four posts. Otherwise the story flowed well. Rationale: This was an average story that was light on plot. You did answer some keys like why you were there and hinted at some of her motivations, but you relied on Kord for the plot of the story for the most part.
Realism - 25%
General Stres'tron'garmis Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: There was 1 major realism hit as it concerns blasters and it happened a few times in your posts overall. See post comments for more details. Rationale: There was 1 major realism hit as it concerns blasters and the use of resolve. See post comments for more details.
Continuity - 20%
General Stres'tron'garmis Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
General Stres'tron'garmis's Score: 3.55 Padawan Tisto Kingang's Score: 3.4
Posts

header

The ocean world of Ahch-To looks to be nothing but blue seas from the distance of space. Dotting the oceans, however, are chains of rocky island that jut upwards to form shallow, sloping mountain ranges with small, flattened plateaus. Rich green trees and other small flora grow along the sedimentary stone, untouched by anything more than small avian creatures looking for a place to nest.Carved into the stones of the various Island’s are sets of winding, ascending and man made pathways.

The crisp, clean, air that wisps off the water planet help cool and maintain a fairly even tropical temperature during the day, with a healthy chill at sunset. Storms have been reported to flare up from time to time, leaving only the highest points of the islands safe from a rising tide.

[header](Asset Not Found)

The Islands themselves remain a mystery to this day. The oceans themselves are still uncharted and unexplored. No one knows how the stairs, statutes, and other sporadic architecture came to be on the Islands. It was rumored, however, that they were indeed the home of first Jedi Temple back when the ancient order was first formed.

Stres'trong'armis, or Strong as his friends knew him, was content with his vacation thus far. He'd only been on the island for a few days now, wandering the stone paths and exploring old, stone hewn abodes. He'd set himself up in of the higher structures, so far it had held up to the occasional storm, and gathered a few small knick knacks he'd come across. Nothing valuable or mystical, he was certain, but trinkets that would allow him to recall the serene state of mind he'd felt while away from his master, Kordath, and all the chaos of the Galaxy for a short while.

He'd gone for a morning stroll, looking out over the roiling oceans and simply enjoying the sunrise, before heading back to his shelter. At some point on his walk back from the cliffs, he'd seen a ship descend from the air, suggesting he might have a visitor. That was all right with the massive Chiss; he wasn't against sharing this place and the peace that one could find on the island. Of course, it wasn't a small landmass; there was a good chance he'd never run into whoever was aboard. An out of the way place like this, they were just as likely to be pirates or smugglers, not the sort he cared to deal with while relaxing.

Walking down the path, he made no effort to hide his presence or quiet his steps as he crunched across the rocks as he closed in on the shelter he'd claimed. When a small, to him, figure with brown and gray hair, bound with a purple ribbon and sporting the sort of jacket he'd associate with a hooligan stepped out of the abode holding one of his trinkets up to the light, he was surprised. Almost as much as she was when he spoke.

"Hello there! I say, lovely morning, isn't it?" he spoke in his usual, boisterous manner, attempting to start things off on the proper foot. He was a gentleman, of course, and she couldn't have known that the Chiss had already claimed the item she was holding.

Instead of responding to his greeting in a manner he'd hoped, perhaps some lively discourse or some sort of civil exchange, he saw her green eyes go wide, and the trinket fall from her hand. A cry of surprise accompanied the relinquishment of the item, along with her left hand going down to pull a blaster pistol from its holster upon her hip, the weapon spitting several bolts at him even as it rose.

"I say, young lady, that is unnecessary!" he shouted, even as he dived to his right, rolling across the grass towards a nearby boulder. Small fires followed him as the woman tracked him with the weapon, lighting the foliage up with her misses.

"I apologize for startling you, of course, could you perhaps lower the weapon and discuss this politely?"

Strong wasn't a fool, even as he spoke or parlay he was pulling his vibroknucklers from his pockets, working his large fingers through the grips. As he reviewed his few options, he wondered if she was indeed a pirate. She certainly dressed the part of someone who thought they knew what one would look like from holofilms.

He'd feel awful if he had to put down some poor, misguided young woman just because she'd jumped the blaster when startled.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 10 June, 2017 2:00 PM UTC

Syntax

The verb ‘fall’ does not agree with the subject ‘trinket’. Either you can make the verb past tense of use ‘falls’ but past tense sounds better. In addition. This sentence sounds odd. Did you perhaps mean ‘as the trinket fell from her hand’?

Instead of responding to his greeting in a manner he'd hoped, perhaps some lively discourse or some sort of civil exchange, he saw her green eyes go wide, and the trinket [fell] from her hand.

Missing word.

He'd set himself up in [one] of the higher structures, so far it had held up to the occasional storm, and gathered a few small knick knacks he'd come across.

Story

Nice setup of the story from your character’s perspective.

Stres'trong'armis, or Strong as his friends knew him, was content with his vacation thus far. He'd only been on the island for a few days now, wandering the stone paths and exploring old, stone hewn abodes. He'd set himself up in of the higher structures, so far it had held up to the occasional storm, and gathered a few small knick knacks he'd come across. The introduction of your opponent and bringing in the environment. Nice. At some point on his walk back from the cliffs, he'd seen a ship descend from the air, suggesting he might have a visitor. That was all right with the massive Chiss; he wasn't against sharing this place and the peace that one could find on the island. Of course, it wasn't a small landmass; there was a good chance he'd never run into whoever was aboard. An out of the way place like this, they were just as likely to be pirates or smugglers, not the sort he cared to deal with while relaxing.

Nice use of her aspect.

A cry of surprise accompanied the relinquishment of the item, along with her left hand going down to pull a blaster pistol from its holster upon her hip, the weapon spitting several bolts at him even as it rose.

Realism

Bell rarely misses with a blaster and has the ‘No scope’ feat, which lets her line up shots after firing from the hip. This makes her very dangerous and unlikely to miss so much. You also do this in your second post where a big Chiss rolls away from her shots and doesn’t get hit. In fact, not one of Bell’s shots hits in the entire story yet she rarely misses. This is a realism error.

Small fires followed him as the woman tracked him with the weapon, lighting the foliage up with her misses.

Bell pulled her finger off the trigger now that the Chiss was behind a rock. You just had to go for your blaster this time, didn’t you?! she thought to herself. It was a reflex and she knew it. Still she didn’t know who this guy was, and outside the Kaist system was dangerous. You never knew who could be an inquisitor trying to track down well, at least everyone she knew.

She felt herself tense up, wishing, and not for the first time, that she had the Force so she could control her nerves like Tisto could. Still, whoever this man was, he could likely be dangerous.

“If you a done--” Strong said calmly as Bell hadn’t fired in several seconds. However he was cut off as Bell fired at the bolder he was hiding behind, an almost automatic response to the unfamiliar voice.

She wasn’t even here by choice. Tisto had sent her here to relax after she almost shot the Devaronian who joined the gang recently. Something about her being too jumpy around anyone who could present a threat. Not that she understood why she had to come out here to deal with that. This wasn’t even a warm place, where she could bask in heat as she worked on her bike. Not a place covered in water with some boring islands.

She gripped the pistol tighter, this Chis was likely dangerous. Afterall, who could have found her on a remote Island on a planet in the middle of nowhere. It was the only thing that made sense, and for all she knew the Inquisitors could be a big organization operating in the shadows. There were people who could pull you across a room with a hand motion after all. The galaxy wasn’t a safe place for a girl on her own.

“It seems you are--” Strong began again, hoping to get some information about the girl out.

“Shut up!” Bell yelled back. She fired again, the blast reflecting off of a rick and hitting the boulder thirty centimeters from Strong’s head.

The Chiss sighed to himself. The girl was definitely violent. Maybe she was a pirate. The look could be a false flag, but her temperament simply matched pirates. Even a gentleman couldn’t ignore the fact she was looking at a trinket and fired when he approached. Maybe she was a thief. It wouldn’t be as sad as a girl who drew a blaster at the wrong time, but a robbery gone bad was always a sad thing. More often than not only one of the two parties left alive. His grip on his vibroknucklers tightened.

Meanwhile, Bell was slowly moving forward. *Maybe if I can capture instead of kill… no that’s too dangerous. I have seen what the Force can do from Tisto. I don’t know who this guy is, and I can’t take any chances. As she came within a few steps of the boulder, strong had flung himself over the top, colliding into her. It wasn’t a strong hit, as the Chiss hadn’t expected her to be so close. The two fell to the ground, Strong landing on top of Bell, his feet near her shoulders. She saw the blaster she had been holding lay a few meters from her, having been knocked out of her hand upon impact.

Adrenaline rushed through Bell. The last time she had been knocked down had been… She did her best to get the man off of her, shoving him, and scrambling across the ground, tears forming in her eyes. She tried to fight off the sudden panic with anger, but she still ended up kicking Strong in the face as she tried to get away. In those few seconds she managed to untangle herself, getting a meter away before pulling out the blaster that had been in her thigh holster, though she was visibly shaking. She fired once, the blast missing Strong by a large margin, and that did little to help her mounting fear.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 10 June, 2017 2:01 PM UTC

Syntax

Comma after an introductory clause.

Still[,] she didn’t know who this guy was, and outside the Kaist system was dangerous. However[,] he was cut off as Bell fired at the bolder he was hiding behind, an almost automatic response to the unfamiliar voice.

Misspelling.

However, he was cut off as Bell fired at the bo[u]lder he was hiding behind, an almost automatic response to the unfamiliar voice. After[ ]all, who could have found her on a remote Island on a planet in the middle of nowhere. “Shut up!” Bell yelled back. She fired again, the blast reflecting off of a [rock] and hitting the boulder thirty centimeters from Strong’s head. She gripped the pistol tighter, this Chis[s] was likely dangerous.

Formatting issue.

*Maybe if I can capture instead of kill… no that’s too dangerous.

Capitalize proper nouns.

As she came within a few steps of the boulder, [S]trong had flung himself over the top, colliding into her.

Story

Good. You give a reason for being in this match as well. Good job.

She wasn’t even here by choice. Tisto had sent her here to relax after she almost shot the Devaronian who joined the gang recently. After all, who could have found her on a remote Island on a planet in the middle of nowhere. It was the only thing that made sense, and for all she knew the Inquisitors could be a big organization operating in the shadows.

Nice use of your character’s aspect. But why don’t you hint more at what makes her cry? It helps the reader judge better why she would do this action.

The last time she had been knocked down had been… She did her best to get the man off of her, shoving him, and scrambling across the ground, tears forming in her eyes. She tried to fight off the sudden panic with anger, but she still ended up kicking Strong in the face as she tried to get away.

Realism

Bell rarely misses with a blaster and has the ‘No scope’ feat, which lets her line up shots after firing from the hip. This makes her very dangerous and unlikely to miss so much. In addition, Bell's resolve is pretty high. She would recover pretty quickly from this emotional distress and per your 'Former Slave' aspect lash out. This is a realism error.

Adrenaline rushed through Bell. The last time she had been knocked down had been… She did her best to get the man off of her, shoving him, and scrambling across the ground, tears forming in her eyes. She tried to fight off the sudden panic with anger, but she still ended up kicking Strong in the face as she tried to get away. In those few seconds she managed to untangle herself, getting a meter away before pulling out the blaster that had been in her thigh holster, though she was visibly shaking. She fired once, the blast missing Strong by a large margin, and that did little to help her mounting fear.

Strong worked his jaw, the kick hadn't been very powerful, but it had surprised him. He'd intended to vault the boulder and tackle the smaller woman, hoping to immobilize her until she could calm down. His mark had been off, it seemed, and now she was spitting fire at him with a small, black blaster that didn't appear to stop shooting. Even with the recoil, she was doing an excellent job of bringing the weapon in line with his bulk, forcing him to roll across the grass.

Heat chased him, fire sprouting from the ground where blaster bolts struck. When the staccato sound of the pistol paused, the clip seeming to have finally run dry, he paused his roll. Strong brought his knees in contact with the ground and pushed his right foot back while he slid his left under him, he took a runner's stance. Strong pushed off, charging towards the woman as her weapon cooled. The Chiss saw her look up from her inspection of the gun, her green eyes widening in surprise.

"How are you so kriffing fast!?"

"TRAINING! This sprinting technique has been taught in my family for years!"

As he bellowed his reply, the girl tried to jump out of his way. What she hadn't counted on was the massive man's vast grasp, his right, knuckler festooned fist catching her in the side as she tried to dodge. Strong skidded to a stop several meters past the woman and spun to face her, arms up in a guard. He blinked in surprise, his foe lying on the grass, clutching her side where he'd struck her, moaning in pain. A quick inspection of his vibroknuckler showed no blood upon the studs, so why was she acting so wounded?

"My apologies, miss, did I cause you grievous injury? I only intended to knock the wind from you so that I might explain that I am not your foe!"

Strong approached his fallen foe, bending over at the waist and reaching for her. He froze as her groans of pain ceased, and he found himself staring at the barrel of her blaster.

"Ah, a ruse! Quite clever! I'm pleased to see that I did not harm you significantly, miss. Now, as I've said, I am not your enemy, please desist."

"You are so weird. I'm pointing a blaster at your face; you realize that, right?"

"I have been called worse," he responded with a mighty shrug.

The woman on the ground winced. "Do you have to keep shouting?"

"I must apologize, Madame, but this is simply how I speak. Now, if you do not intend to fire, could you possibly lower the weapon? I do not mind sharing some of the things I've discovered in my stay upon this island. I did not intend to take any of them with me when my vacation was over."

"VACATION!?"

"Now who is shouting?"

She stared up at the blue-faced man for long seconds, her pistol unwavering. No lies did she find in his glowing red eyes, nor did he seem like he was trying to trick her into an unfavorable situation. While the big man might have been incredibly odd, he seemed genuinely concerned that he may have harmed her and didn't appear to want retribution for her knee-jerk reaction of shooting at him.

"You, uh, got found some neat stuff?" she asked, lowering her weapon slowly. She yelped in surprise when he gave her a broad grin and reached down with two meaty hands, having at some point relieved himself of his knucklers. Bell kicked weakly, out of instinct when he picked her up and placed her on her feet. She decided she'd shoot him if he followed it up with a head pat. Instead, he gestured to the stone hut nearby.

"Indeed! Ancient trinkets and the like, fine collector items I'm certain. Allow me to show you my favorite pieces!"

So weird, she thought as he walked into the hut. With a shrug she followed, who knew, maybe something would be worth keeping for a profit.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 10 June, 2017 2:15 PM UTC

Story

Good. recognizing her ability to shoot.

Even with the recoil, she was doing an excellent job of bringing the weapon in line with his bulk, forcing him to roll across the grass.

Nice use of Bell’s ‘Former Slave’ aspect.

She stared up at the blue-faced man for long seconds, her pistol unwavering. No lies did she find in his glowing red eyes, nor did he seem like he was trying to trick her into an unfavorable situation.

Unexpected ending in the third post in a singular ending. Doesn’t leave your opponent much to write if you resolve the main conflict already. This creates a fractured climax as your opponent now has to revive something worthy of a climax for the final post of the story. As such, this is a bigger story detractor.

"You, uh, got found some neat stuff?" she asked, lowering her weapon slowly. She yelped in surprise when he gave her a broad grin and reached down with two meaty hands, having at some point relieved himself of his knucklers. Bell kicked weakly, out of instinct when he picked her up and placed her on her feet. She decided she'd shoot him if he followed it up with a head pat. Instead, he gestured to the stone hut nearby. So weird, she thought as he walked into the hut. With a shrug she followed, who knew, maybe something would be worth keeping for a profit.

Why not just run to the side? Why jump? Seems it will just get her caught quicker. This caused me a good bit of confusion and I think that if I knew the environment better or why she had to jump and not just run to the side (maybe a rock is in the way) than this would not have distracted me from the story.

As he bellowed his reply, the girl tried to jump out of his way.

Bell still struggled with her fear, but something about the blue man's attitude was calming. Maybe it was because he as a complete odd ball. Maybe it was because he was blue, and that color was calming. If Tisto were here he would say it's because this man is polite Bell thought to herself. For some reason that thought brought her fear back as she followed Strong. It could be a trap. Tisto certainty walked into a few of those because the people laying the trap were friendly enough.

She tensed up, giving the man a glare. She felt glad she still had a blast hidden in her boot. If this man tried anything she would put a blast bolt through his head. She was only giving him a chance, because. Wait, why was she? She still didn't know this man, and while profit would be helpful in the long run, it didn't mean she was safe. His attitude could be a trick. The pair got to a small table in the hut covered in various oddly shaped rocks.

"These are all interesting. I can't find any rocks these shapes anywhere else. Strong said, distracting Bell from her fears.

Bell looked at them, shocked. The rocks appeared to be Aurebesh if the letters were broken. There was a cracked besh, half an osk, even a trill. They looked familiar, though Bell couldn't place them. She also saw a five pointed piece of quartz in the center. It was as large as her fist, and could easily be worth a few thousand credits. It seemed to call too her. More security, more guns. She could be safe. If she just grabbed it and ran.

"These are beautiful," Bell found herself replying. "They must have taken forever to find."

"All vacation really. This trill rock was found shortly before you arrived, Strong said with a smile.

"Well, I will leave you too them then," Bell replied. "I recommend taking the quartz if there is a special lady in your life. You could get it cut into a nice ring. I have friends who I should go talk to, and apologies too. Enjoy however long you are here for blue man."

Bell walked out of the hut calmly. Her fears about the Chis had melted away when she saw the quartz. He wasn't a slaver at least. That or he was a very stupid one. She collected her blasters, and began to walk back toward her ship.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 10 June, 2017 2:16 PM UTC

Syntax

Missing verb and a misspelling.

Maybe it was because he [w]as a complete [oddball].

Comma after an introductory clause!

For some reason[,] that thought brought her fear back as she followed Strong.

Hypen needed. Hypens are used to create compound words.

She also saw a five[-]pointed piece of quartz in the center. It was as large as her fist, and could easily be worth a few thousand credits.

Misused word. You want ‘to’ rather than ‘too’, which has a completely different use.

It seemed [to] call to her.

No comma needed since the second sentence’s verb has the same subject.

She collected her blasters[] and began to walk back toward her ship.

Story

Nice use of both character’s aspects.

If Tisto were here he would say it's because this man is polite Bell thought to herself. For some reason that thought brought her fear back as she followed Strong. It could be a trap.

What does Quartz have to do with not being a slaver. This needs to be flushed out more. This is a story gap, but at least I know now why Bell steps away from the fight so that part is good.

Bell walked out of the hut calmly. Her fears about the Chis had melted away when she saw the quartz. He wasn't a slaver at least. That or he was a very stupid one.