Ranger Tisto Kingang vs. Raider Minevra Niache

Ranger Tisto Kingang

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Kiffar, Jedi, Juggernaut, Sentinel
vs.

Raider Minevra Niache

Equite 2, Equite tier, Unaffiliated
Female Muun, Mercenary, Scoundrel
Comment

So first of all, I'd suggest both of you take more time in your post writing, as well as finding solid proofers. Kelly, I'm guessing this was your first outing with Minevra, which explains some of the roughness.

One issue you both had was showing what was going on, some of your action sequences started without any explanation or lead up. Examples being Tisto suddenly facing an unarmed Minevra, or Minevra flying through the air after being flat on her back.

This whole match felt like you were both rushing to get your posts out, which hurt both of you on the story telling and syntax portions. Some misunderstandings of how a feat and weapon worked hurt Tisto in particular, which has lead to this final score.

My suggestion is again, take your time and get proofed, the overall story here wasn't a bad one, the premise for the fight was good and solid. Spend more time hammering it out, re-read and make sure everything makes sense, and it could have been a much better read for it.

With a score of 3.45, Minevra (Kelly) is declared the winner!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Ranger Tisto Kingang, Raider Minevra Niache
Winner Raider Minevra Niache
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Ranger Tisto Kingang's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Raider Minevra Niache's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Felucia: Rancor Graveyard
Last Post 4 June, 2017 8:13 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Padawan Tisto Kingang Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: First post didn't have many. Second had a number of extra commas and other minor issues, check the notes. Rationale: First post had numerous comma and semi colon issues, as well as a missing period.
Story - 40%
Padawan Tisto Kingang Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Some of your action was hard to follow, or didn't make any sense, in the first post. See notes. Rationale: First post was a good setup, with exchanges between the characters both in dialogue and combat. Second post was muddled and seemed to be missing things between the first and second paragraph that would explain a lot.
Realism - 25%
Padawan Tisto Kingang Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 2 Score: 4
Rationale: See notes regarding Iron Skin and how electrical weapons work. The end of your first post, and the start of your second, assumes for some reason that your foe would disarm simply because you turned off your saber in the middle of an attack. Rationale: First post was solid, second had a couple of issues, including the ending, which I addressed in the notes.
Continuity - 20%
Padawan Tisto Kingang Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: First post you had a minor ding for having Minevra realizing the same thing she'd already realized the previous post. Somehow between your second and ending post Minevra lost her weapon and Tisto should have been suffering some kind of fatigue after the blows from the baton he suffered, even with Control Self letting him ignore the pain. Rationale: No issues found.
Padawan Tisto Kingang's Score: 2.75 Dr. Giyana Jurro's Score: 3.45
Posts

Felucia Rancor Graveyard

Hidden in Felucia’s jungle lies a two hundred meter expanse marking the ancient burial site of this world’s deadliest creatures and the location of innumerable remnants of hundreds, if not thousands of rancors. A circular enclosure of sun-bleached bones are arranged in the center of the cemetery—no doubt the former dwelling of a powerful practitioner of the Force. Cobwebs cling to the fallen beasts, a testament to the primordial age of some of the creatures.

Somewhat obscured by surrounding cliffs and the luminescent jungle, the dusted bones and carcasses are cast in a faint shadow, leaving just enough light to see by. The atmosphere is thick and stifling, with a strong overtone of dust and bone suspended in the still air. The taint of the Dark Side's influence has polluted the landmark over time, giving form to a dreadful aura that has scared off scavengers determined to sell off a rancor tusk or two. Unlike most of Felucia, the area is nearly devoid of life aside from ravenous predators dwelling within the hollowed-out husks of dead rancors.

Minevra had to hand it to the Sith, they really knew how to devastate a planet. There was also something about force types wanting to meet in dark places. Couldn’t she meet someone somewhere more sophisticated, like an art gallery or museum? Still, despite his role as a Jedi, Tisto wasn’t entirely by the book. Minevra had done her research, the Kiffar was actually the head of a swoop gang calling themselves the Void Snakes. Because of her affiliation with Plagueis, the scoundrel anticipated three possible scenarios. One, he forgoes any pretence of civility and attacks her. Two, he attempts to recruit her. Or three, he goes ahead with the deal and both parties leave satisfied. The Muun had brought her Flare-S Swoop in an effort to increase the chances of the two latter options. With the Jedi not yet present, Minevra took the time to look around for any decent cover. If he wasn’t walking she’d not have long to wait for him to arrive.

Tisto was initially shocked to hear of a mercenary from Plagueis was looking out for construction supplies, the last he had heard they were still surrounded by space. But his contact had managed to set up a meeting, deliberately leaking his identity as a Jedi, though as skilled as the Plagueian was it wouldn’t have been hard for her to find out. She had Void Snakes potential, it was just a case of getting the scoundrel to agree. Of course, it’d be easier if he made the deal as arranged. While deciding what to do, the Kiffar was approaching the Rancor Graveyard, his chosen meeting spot. There was no particular reason for it, though maybe there was a slight chance of it intimidating the Plagueian into not trying anything.

Minevra was getting impatient, the Jedi was still yet to arrive and it had been a solid ten minutes since she’d last checked. Still, maybe it was some sort of bizarre test to see if she was worthy of being in Tisto’s gang. The Muun dropped to the ground, planting her hands first, before taking the E-22 blaster rifle from her back and setting it up on its bipod. Looking through the rifle’s scope she saw a swoop approaching if it wasn’t who she was expecting it’d be a fun distraction while the wait continued. Slowly climbing to her feet, she decided it’d be easier to stay out of sight and see if the owner of the vehicle stopped nearby.

As Tisto got closer to the meeting spot he saw what appeared to be a swoop bike, in good condition no less. It hadn’t been abandoned, so what was it doing here on Felucia? Coming to a stop the Odanite decided he’d take a closer look, see if he could determine anything about why it was in the Rancor Graveyard. The first thing that came to mind was the lights that seemed to be everywhere, good for night riding and otherwise being showy. Whoever owned it cared about how they were perceived. Still, he was here to be professional so professional he would be. He couldn’t be risking anything over what could at worst be a deal that sees Plagueis able to make something that could damage Odan-Urr down the line. Now, where was the blasted owner of this bike?

Spotting a bunch of creatures off in the distance, combined with the sounds of a swoop getting closer and closer before stopping lead Minevra to believe one thing, whoever it was was here and she’d have to face them. Checking her sidearm was still in its holster, the Muun brought it into her hand and raised it before coming out from behind from behind the large bone she had been using for cover. Seeing the Kiffar was something of a relief, at least she’d be able to get out of this place before the local wildlife took an interest in her. As she got closer she decided to strike up a conversation.

“There you are, I’ve been here forever and you’ve only just got here.” The dissatisfaction was evident in her voice.

“I could always just walk away, you know that right?” The Jedi confidently responded.

“Sure, but then you and your little gang wouldn’t be as trusted unless you eliminated your client to keep your unprofessionalism quiet.” The scoundrel quipped.

“And what would you know of professionalism? You work for the worst of the galaxy and play along like a good little pet.” Tisto had thought about what he could say about her.

“Just stop wasting our time, let’s get this stuff signed, then you can fawn over me and ask me to join your little crew, I’ll respond and we go our separate ways. That’s all there is to it.”

“My client has signed, just need to hope you don’t mess up.” With that, the Odanite threw across a datapad which Niache examined before signing. Everything appeared to be legit. Now signed, the datapad was thrown back.

“I’ll save us both time by skipping to the next part, no I don’t want to be part of your little amateur club, goodbye.” While she was speaking Minevra was lining up her shot but as soon as she squeezed the trigger, the pistol flew off course and the shot missed. She just about caught it before it flew out of her hand completely. The Jedi moved with an effective simplicity to his movement. Drawing his lightsaber, he put the pressure on the Muun, who preferred to engage from a safer distance. Swinging her body back as she retreated was working for now, but Niache needed to counter somehow. Fumbling around she found her Z6 Riot Control Baton. Yes, this would do. Activating the weapon, she swung ferociously with an upwards motion, deflecting the lightsaber strike away.

Now the Plagueian had the chance to counter. The slightly heavier than standard weight of the weapon did make it harder to wield but also meant it packed quite a punch. Short thrusts with the weapon were met with a fierce resistance from the red bladed saber. It was clear neither would give in, but the advantage lay currently with Tisto.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 11:34 AM UTC

Or three, he goes ahead with the deal and both parties leave satisfied.

Missing a comma after 'deal'. Also, a couple of statements in this paragraph that would have been better served by using semi-colons.

Minevra had to hand it to the Sith, they really knew how to devastate a planet.

as well as

Minevra had done her research, the Kiffar was actually the head of a swoop gang calling themselves the Void Snakes.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 11:35 AM UTC

Looking through the rifle’s scope she saw a swoop approaching if it wasn’t who she was expecting it’d be a fun distraction while the wait continued.

Comma after scope, it also looks like you forgot a period between 'approaching' and 'if it wasn't' as these seem like two completely separate statements.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 11:40 AM UTC

As Tisto got closer to the meeting spot he saw what appeared to be a swoop bike, in good condition no less.

Lacking a comma after spot.

Coming to a stop the Odanite decided he’d take a closer look, see if he could determine anything about why it was in the Rancor Graveyard.

Lacking a comma after stop, the introductory portion of the sentence. Also would have been helpful to throw in a 'to' between look and see for better flow and readability.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 11:53 AM UTC

Spotting a bunch of creatures off in the distance, combined with the sounds of a swoop getting closer and closer before stopping lead Minevra to believe one thing, whoever it was was here and she’d have to face them

Comma after 'here' near the end of the statement, also would serve better to split this into two separate sentences, as it's a bit run-on like.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 11:59 AM UTC

While she was speaking Minevra was lining up her shot but as soon as she squeezed the trigger, the pistol flew off course and the shot missed.

Short a comma after 'but'.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 12:01 PM UTC

Lots of story in this post, also a lot of setup. You kept your PoV swapping clear and obvious, easy to follow. While you had a decent number of semi-colon/comma errors, it didn't really affect the readability too much.

That said, the action sequence at the end felt rushed and clunky like you had an idea but ran out of time to get it on paper.

Should note that Tisto has no datapad in his loadout, so be careful in using non-present equipment in your posts.

Tisto’s eyes narrowed as Minerva attacked, deflecting the baton as it closed in. He cursed himself for getting tricked so easily. Of course a Plagueian would be too self centered. Still, he had to admit to himself that she wasn’t bad. She had placed him on the defensive, keeping him from using his regular style.

His crimson blade deflected the incoming baton once more. He could feel that she really was stronger than he was, not by as wide a margin as some, but if he played defence through the fight he would not win. In a swift, simple motion he nudged the baton away again as it came down a fourth time. He took a step, negating the distance between them, and making it difficult for the baton to hit him. It was a risky move, opening himself up to anything similar to a hidden knife. He pressed his left hand to her stomach, holding his saber in his right hand, and called on the Force. He pushed against her, the energy he had gathered flying out, shoving her as well.

The Muun was sent flying back, landing a meter away from a old rancor rib cage. The baton fell from her hand temporarily, though she picked it back up as she stood up. She got the weapon up to block an incoming strike, the red blade connecting with her black weapon, sending sparks flying. Tisto followed up with a simple downward strike, then a diagonal cut from the upper left. The scoundrel blocked both of those, realizing that the weapons weight made it tough to defend with. Tisto continued to press the attack, using both hands to grip the handle. He lead with another downward strike, then another, each time aiming higher. Minerva did the best she could, blocking each strike. The heavier weapon was becoming a pain to use, being stuck on defence with the weapon was becoming an annoyance.

The two continued to clash, Tisto beginning to push his foe back due to sheer number of attacks. His near weightless weapon was much better for his quick, if simple sequences. They started to become predictable to Minerva as they went on. Left diagonal strike, three downward strikes, thrust, upward cut, two thrusts. All in a pattern. The Muun found herself with her back to a Rancor bone, and moved to the side as the crimson saber cut through it. Seeing the miss Tisto immediately called on the Force hardening himself for an incoming attack. Minerva did not disappoint. She brought the weapon in, smashing Tisto in the ribs, a blow that should have resulted in atleast a crack. Tisto smiled as he didn’t budge, though that smile quickly turned to agony as the electricity from the weapon struck him. Minerva brought the weapon back for another strike, and Tisto fell to the ground, rolling away.

The Kiffar called on the Force, pushing aside the pain as the energy field filled him. He could feel a sense of something missing near his heart, but ignored it. “Bring it on you slave trading schutta,” Tisto said, hoping to provoke the Muun into attacking. “If you decide to stay with those psychos I will have to put you down!”

“What, an amature criminal like you going to stop me?” Minerva replied.

Tisto looked behind himself mockingly. “What, did you see your reflection? I mean I know it's ugly enough to look like another person, but it's just you. I assure you that I am more than an amature. How many gang wars have you been in exactly? Or do you just fight slaves. That might actually explain why you suck at this.”

With that Tisto rushed in, coming in with a horizontal slash from the left. Minevra blocked the attack, and noticed that the Kiffar wasn’t done. He hooked one foot under her leading leg, and deactivated his saber. The baton fell in front of him, and he rammed the hilt of his saber into the Muun’s face, pulling his foot back. Unbalanced Minerve fell the the ground, while Tisto activated his saber once more.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 12:54 PM UTC

He could feel a sense of something missing near his heart, but ignored it.

Confusing and unnecessary? Is this related to the Force Scar aspect you have? It isn't clear what this is trying to convey, nor does it seem relevant to anything going on around it.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 12:55 PM UTC

“What, an amature criminal like you going to stop me?” Minerva replied.

Amature isn't a word; you probably meant amateur.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 12:25 PM UTC

Of course a Plagueian would be too self centered.

Missing a hyphen on self-centered

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 12:26 PM UTC

The Muun was sent flying back, landing a meter away from a old rancor rib cage.

When preceding a vowel, or vowel sounding word, it's 'an' not 'a'.

Also, a lot of repetitive use of the word 'weapon' as well as 'flying', the same word used to describe your attack at the end of the previous paragraph.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 12:36 PM UTC

The scoundrel blocked both of those, realizing that the weapons weight made it tough to defend with.

She already realized this in her own post.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 12:52 PM UTC

Seeing the miss Tisto immediately called on the Force hardening himself for an incoming attack. Minerva did not disappoint. She brought the weapon in, smashing Tisto in the ribs, a blow that should have resulted in atleast a crack. Tisto smiled as he didn’t budge, though that smile quickly turned to agony as the electricity from the weapon struck him.

Several things here. 'atleast' isn't a word, missing a space there.

Second, Iron Skin resists knockdown, stun, etc. It means you're able to stay upright when you take a hit. It does not resist the damage itself; you still feel the pain. It still hurts. It is not a replacement for Barrier. This is being considered a MINOR realism error instead of a major one, as this is going to prompt us to clarify the feat better on the wiki.

Thirdly, the baton weapon is charged, there's not going to be a delay between the hit and the affect as shown here, the eletricity would be a part of the initial impact.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 1:01 PM UTC

With that Tisto rushed in, coming in with a horizontal slash from the left. Minevra blocked the attack, and noticed that the Kiffar wasn’t done. He hooked one foot under her leading leg, and deactivated his saber. The baton fell in front of him, and he rammed the hilt of his saber into the Muun’s face, pulling his foot back. Unbalanced Minerve fell the the ground, while Tisto activated his saber once more.

One, why did she drop her guard? Because he deactivated his saber? Unclear why this happened.

Second, you misspelled your opponent's name.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 1:02 PM UTC

With that Tisto rushed in, coming in with a horizontal slash from the left. Minevra blocked the attack, and noticed that the Kiffar wasn’t done. He hooked one foot under her leading leg, and deactivated his saber. The baton fell in front of him, and he rammed the hilt of his saber into the Muun’s face, pulling his foot back. Unbalanced Minerve fell the the ground, while Tisto activated his saber once more.

“I hope you’re proud of yourself for beating up a woman, I’m sure that’s somewhere in the Jedi handbook after the theft of children and before slaughtering them.” Minevra mocked the Jedi, seeking to unbalance him to the point of him making a mistake. Realising that on her back she wouldn’t last much longer and feeling the effects of having to swing the baton around frequently, there was only one choice for what should be done. Slowly but surely, the blaster pistol on her right-hand side crept its way into her hand. Tisto hadn’t noticed yet, but he would.

Tisto watched in awe as the mercenary soared above him and rained down blaster fire. The Ranger managed to block a few shots but had to take shelter behind one of the many rib cages spread across the whole graveyard. Then the blaster fire stopped. The Jedi wasn’t sure why, but he knew that the Muun was back on the ground as he could no longer hear the sound coming from her jetpack. The Kiffar promised himself he’d end up victorious, it was just a matter of how he’d get there. Minevra had to be planning something, but what was it?

Looking to the baton, Minevra decided to move it out of the way, it wouldn’t be very useful at this stage, her shoulder was aching after swinging the heavy instrument around repeatedly. Sticking with the blasters was definitely the way to go but could she keep Tisto away long enough to build up a gap large enough that his lightsaber wouldn’t be a threat. Resuming the blaster fire, the Muun backpedalled carefully, making sure to not get too close to any wild animals. The Jedi was staying in cover, a wise choice indeed. Placing the pistol back in its holster, Niache began bringing her rifle to bear as a loose rock fizzled past, rolling along the before coming to a stop.

Tisto had to close the gap somehow, he even with his focus on Telekinetic attacks he was too far away. The Plagueian had retreated to where they had left their swoops. Tisto couldn’t allow anything to happen to his beloved ride. The Ranger jolted forward at an inhuman speed and after jumping off an elevated rock found himself landing a lot closer than he had been. His opponent was panicking, her baton was too far away to reach now, especially with Tisto between her and the weapon. Confidently striding forward, Kingang swung his lightsaber, more for intimidation purposes than anything else, and watched as Minevra attempted to duck underneath it but was caught hard by the pommel at the tip of her forehead. With a thud the Muun hit the mud, Tisto temporarily thought about killing her, but why waste a potential asset? He dropped a patch on her chest before making his way to the Redemption and riding off into the Feleucian sunset.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 1:31 PM UTC

Tisto watched in awe as the mercenary soared above him and rained down blaster fire

Caught a minor continuity and realism ding here. Minerva went from on her back to suddenly flying over Tisto. How? Did she get up? When did she jump? How did she jump over a standing man without Force assistance? Did she use her jetpack, it could be assumed but it needs to be shown.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 1:35 PM UTC

Looking to the baton, Minevra decided to move it out of the way, it wouldn’t be very useful at this stage, her shoulder was aching after swinging the heavy instrument around repeatedly.

Run-on sentence, though you could have broken it up at way and it with a semi-colon. Example:

Looking to the baton, Minevra decided to move it out of the way. It wouldn't be very useful at this stage; her shoulder was aching after swinging the heavy instrument around repeatedly.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 1:37 PM UTC

Placing the pistol back in its holster, Niache began bringing her rifle to bear as a loose rock fizzled past, rolling along the before coming to a stop.

Think we forgot a word after 'rolling along the'

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 1:40 PM UTC

This post felt rushed, like you were short on time and didn't have access to a proofer. Besides not showing how she went from on her back to flying through the air, and not mentioning the jetpack till after the fact, I have to question the ending as well.

There's no sign that Tisto used the Force to enhance the accidental pommel strike, alongside Minevra's higher Endurance, it shouldn't have done more than given her a headache or a knot on her forehead.

Tisto hesitated seeing the Muun on the ground. He did not like fighting, especially someone who he was previously considering as a possible ally. He deactivated his saber, and tossed it aside as the Muun rose, looking Minerva in the eye. Once she was fully standing, he struck out with a sucker punch, hitting her in the jaw. There wasn't much force behind the blow, but it did shock the scoundrel. She was supposed to be against a Jedi, Tisto had made that information obvious.

Tisto struck out again, in a method that Minerva recognized as Corellian Kickboxing. She noted how he was standing as she deflected the blow with her arm. She smiled and adopted a similar stance, turning her body slightly. All she had to do now that he got rid of his saber was avoid several attacks and draw a blaster. Tisto punched again, following it with a kick to the Muun's knees. Minerva deflected the punch and side stepped the kick, only to see Tisto continue, closing in. The Kiffar punched out too far to her left with his right hand, before bringing it back with an elbow strike to the back of the head. Minerva was struck as she brought her knee to the bikers stomach. Angered by getting hit Minvera struck out several times, hoping to push the light sider back. A flurry of strikes lashed out, which Tisto either deflected with his forearms, which the Muun noted painfully that they were covered by a set of shock gauntlets, or simply dodged. Yet he showed no superior skill in the fight, only greater reflexes.

Despite this she did manage to force Tisto back several steps, allowing her to get some breathing room. She grinned darkly as she drew her A180 blaster pistol and fired without aiming. A crimson bolt slammed into Tisto's left shoulder, pain flaring through him. Desperately he called out too the Force, pushing his right hand forward and blasting her into a Rancor's rib bone. Then, while still holding on to the Force, he concentrated to ignore the pain in his shoulder. He rotated his arm, doing his best to ignore what had just occurred. He saw Minerva lift her blaster from her position against the rib, and dropped the concentration against pain. He curled his right hand, lifting it. The Force responded, and the scoundrel fell back to the ground as the rib was ripped away from the skeleton.

Tisto began to pale from the strain of lifting the heavy rib, and sighed as Minerva lay on the ground, attempting to get back up. He gentle placed the rib atop her before releasing his control over it. Tisto saw his foe struggle to lift the bone off of her, and felt drained. While still holding on to the Force he went back to ignoring his pain, and adding fatigue to the list of things to ignore. He couldn't feel any more energy in himself to continue the fight, and knew it was only a matter of time before he collapsed. He walked over to his lightsaber, picking it up, and began to walk towards his bike.

"When you meet the other dead, tell them you decided to make an enemy of the Void Snakes," he called to the Muun. "Let them know to warn their families about that mistake. Stupid slave dealing scum. I hope your body rots undisturbed."

If Minerva replied, Tisto didn't hear it as he got on his bike and flew away. He didn't have the time to waste on people convinced they were right.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 2:04 PM UTC

So, a few un-needed commas mucked up your syntax here, and your realism and continuity issues hurt your story score as well. This post relied a lot on your opponents not using her skills, feats, and aspects to do what she does, fight dirty. This was a pretty rough post, altogether.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 1:50 PM UTC

He deactivated his saber, and tossed it aside as the Muun rose, looking Minerva in the eye. Once she was fully standing, he struck out with a sucker punch, hitting her in the jaw.

On purely subterfuge versus perception, this would have been hard to pull off, also, she isn't disarmed, so why did Tisto drop his saber? Also, the comma after saber is unnecessary.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 1:53 PM UTC

Tisto struck out again, in a method that Minerva recognized as Corellian Kickboxing. She noted how he was standing as she deflected the blow with her arm. She smiled and adopted a similar stance, turning her body slightly. All she had to do now that he got rid of his saber was avoid several attacks and draw a blaster.

Again, why would she be doing this without her baton? The end of your last post suggested she dropped her guard when he deactivated his saber, and nothing was done that would force her to disarm, all of which didn't make sense then, either.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 1:58 PM UTC

He curled his right hand, lifting it. The Force responded, and the scoundrel fell back to the ground as the rib was ripped away from the skeleton.

Tisto began to pale from the strain of lifting the heavy rib, and sighed as Minerva lay on the ground, attempting to get back up.

So why didn't she shoot him from the ground while he was doing all of this? She has Dirty Rotten Scoundrel as an aspect, under handed tricks are her forte, this was a huge opening on a wounded foe who was focusing on moving a bone.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 9 June, 2017 2:02 PM UTC

Tisto saw his foe struggle to lift the bone off of her, and felt drained. While still holding on to the Force he went back to ignoring his pain, and adding fatigue to the list of things to ignore. He couldn't feel any more energy in himself to continue the fight, and knew it was only a matter of time before he collapsed.

Syntax-wise, you had several unnecessary commas in this series of sentences. Specifically 'lift the bone off of her and felt drained', 'he went back to ignoring his pain and adding fatigue', and 'He couldn't feel any more energy in himself to continue the fight and knew it was'.

Getting a proofer is a great help.