Battlelord Bentre Kairn'tel Stahoes vs. Seer Edgar Drachen

Battlelord Bentre Kairn'tel Stahoes

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Sith, Shadow, Obelisk
vs.

Seer Edgar Drachen

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Force Disciple, Seeker, Sentinel
Comment

So, this fight was interesting to grade. The premise was unconventional, a Sith looking for help from an outsider, the usual misunderstanding that happens when two beings of power meet, etc etc. You both had some issues with syntax and spelling, always remember that proofing is your friend and that speaking out things aloud from time to time helps as well. There was a few run on sentences in both of your posts and some that were a bit jumbled and didn't make a lot of sense.

Still, you both managed to do a lot of action and move the story along, both of you wrote an actual ending which is always refreshing. So my advice is to make sure you get proofed, and keep on writing, both of you showed skill in this fight and I look forward to seeing more.

With a score of 4.3 the winner is Bentre Kairn'tel Stahoes!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlelord Bentre Kairn'tel Stahoes, Seer Edgar Drachen
Winner Battlelord Bentre Kairn'tel Stahoes
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlelord Bentre Kairn'tel Stahoes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Seer Edgar Drachen's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nal Hutta: Winter Palace
Last Post 14 July, 2017 10:08 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Edgar Drachen Master Bentre Stahoes
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: I pointed out a lot of my reasons for your score in Syntax in the post comments, my best suggestion is to make sure you get posts proofed. Lots of tense issues and capitalization errors. Rationale: Your first post had numerous errors that you seemed to get over by the time you did your second.
Story - 40%
Edgar Drachen Master Bentre Stahoes
Score: 2 Score: 4
Rationale: You took a major Story hit for not including your opponent in the first post, nor any conflict between them. Parts of your writing were jumbled and hard to follow, or hard to determine who was doing what. Rationale: Not bad, some awkwardness with repeating yourself, or repeated word usage, in the first post hurt you a touch because it made things more difficult to follow.
Realism - 25%
Edgar Drachen Master Bentre Stahoes
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No discernible issues. Rationale: No issues.
Continuity - 20%
Edgar Drachen Master Bentre Stahoes
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Edgar Drachen's Score: 3.35 Master Bentre Stahoes's Score: 4.3
Posts

Nal Hutta Winter Palace

Seated within the Glorious Jewel of the Hutts, the Winter Palace is situated on a remote island near the planet’s equator. Although blanketed with the pollution from Hutt industry, its location makes the climate hot and humid. Surrounded with trees and vines, it could be considered to be a paradise, even among the barren wasteland of Nal Hutta. Outside of the Winter Palace, a network of sewer pipes transfer the waste from the palace to wherever seems far enough to dump into the oceans surrounding the island. Flora and fauna that have adapted to the Hutt’s environmental changes thrive in the polluted forests surrounding the Winter Palace.

Stepping through its gilded gates, the lavish interior serves as the main audience chamber. Once belonging to the wealth of Jiliac Desilijic Tiron, the gleaming stone of the main aisle leads up to a Hutt’s dais lined with an expensive carpet. Beautiful tapestries line the high walls, telling of the sordid histories of those who woven them, awaiting execution in Jiliac’s dungeons.

Finally, the antechamber to the "throne" room is illuminated from above with high-skylighted ceilings. Constructed from lightly colored stone, the antechamber might have been where the late Hutt entertained his guests before an audience with spice and exotic dancers. In the hands of the Hutt Kajidics, however, these traditions have continued as the Winter Palace now serves as a front for criminal and business ventures that come and go.

Within minutes of landing the young grey Jedi took a few brief moments to calm himself and focus his energies masking his presence with the Force. Nal Hutta is known for many things but being completely friendly to Jedis is not one of them. Especially under the questionable circumstances that brought him here today.

Just yesterday Edgar was sitting in his favorite casino on Nar Shadda playing one of the best hands of Sabacc he has had in a long time only to be interrupted by a droid carrying a message for him. Which in and of itself wasn’t a surprise but the contents caused him some alarm, “Edgar Drachen Quaestor of the Jedi House of Hoth I know you are here incognito so I am sending you this message through a courier and not in person. I need to meet with you. My child is in danger and I need your help. Please meet me at the Winter Palace on Nal Hutta it will be easier to meet there and talk. I am waiting Tasha.”

The Jedi never uses his real name when he is away from the Kiast system, so someone knew who he was and was able to track him as well. So it was these reason that brought him to the Palace, he cared little about the child, his purpose was to find out how this person found him and if need be deal with it.

Walking into the palace Edgar was on his guard, taking his time to completely survey the palace and enjoy some of the evening's entertainment. His meeting was supposed to take place upstairs but the Grey Jedi was in no rush he took his time scanning the crowd, the dancers, the bartenders, the dancers, the palace guards, the dancers only to have his concentration broken by a patron becoming arrogant and loud with one of the waitresses.

This, human blowhard was going on and on about all of his great deeds and explaining to the poor server and the guards when they arrived how much of a honor it is to have him there. Getting a good look at the man he noticed his cybernetic arm and scarred face. While studying the man he Edgar sensed for a brief second a tremor in the Force, it felt like it came from this arrogant ass but it was such a fleeting feeling that the Jedi could not be sure.

Collecting himself the young Quaestor decided to finish watching the man get thrown out of the bar and then he took his time watching the last dancer before paying his tab and headed upstairs to meet this mysterious person. After feeling that tremor he was now on edge and was on the lookout for what he expected to be a trap.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 19 July, 2017 11:21 PM UTC

Within minutes of landing the young grey Jedi took a few brief moments to calm himself and focus his energies masking his presence with the Force.

Two things here, first you need a comma after the introductory clause after 'landing', secondly and this is just me nitpicking and not marking you off for it, it's Gray Jedi, much like Dark Jedi it needs to be capitilizaed. Also its 'Gray' in the Brotherhod system, denoting the Path moreso than a color.

Just yesterday Edgar was sitting in his favorite casino on Nar Shadda playing one of the best hands of Sabacc he has had in a long time only to be interrupted by a droid carrying a message for him.

Its Nar Shaddaa with two a's on the end.

“Edgar Drachen Quaestor of the Jedi House of Hoth I know you are here incognito so I am sending you this message through a courier and not in person. I need to meet with you. My child is in danger and I need your help. Please meet me at the Winter Palace on Nal Hutta it will be easier to meet there and talk. I am waiting Tasha.”

Generally speaking we don't crackdown on dialogue choices, as it is a matter of 'grammar not fully applying to speech' but this was rough. The lack of commas made it run together and I had to re-read it twice to get the gist. It also wasn't clear if the message was meant for Tasha or was from Tasha, due to the lack of a comma. As the reader and knowing who you're fighting I could infer, but I shouldn't have to.

So it was these reason that brought him to the Palace

this reason or these reasons would be better both grammatically and for flow.

His meeting was supposed to take place upstairs but the Grey Jedi was in no rush he took his time scanning the crowd, the dancers, the bartenders, the dancers, the palace guards, the dancers only to have his concentration broken by a patron becoming arrogant and loud with one of the waitresses.

Need a comma after upstairs in the first bit, again its Gray but you did capitailize it this time. This sentence just kept going and going, be careful of run-ons.

This, human blowhard was going on and on about all of his great deeds and explaining to the poor server and the guards when they arrived how much of a honor it is to have him there.

Alright, so your comma after 'this' should have been after 'blowhard' and secondly, and this is a contextually confusing thing that a lot of people have trouble with. Say 'honor' aloud, when you do it comes out 'sounding' like it starts with a vowel sound, so its lead up is 'an' not 'a'.

While studying the man he Edgar sensed for a brief second a tremor in the Force, it felt like it came from this arrogant ass but it was such a fleeting feeling that the Jedi could not be sure.

Think you accidentally left an extra word in between man and Edgar, missing a comma after 'ass'.

Collecting himself the young Quaestor decided to finish watching the man get thrown out of the bar and then he took his time watching the last dancer before paying his tab and headed upstairs to meet this mysterious person. After feeling that tremor he was now on edge and was on the lookout for what he expected to be a trap.

First off the sentence that starts this paragraph is a mess of fragments that have nothing to do with one another. Focus it out, use commas and conjunctions or just make it into multiple sentences. Also a missing a comma after 'tremor'.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 19 July, 2017 11:30 PM UTC

Not a bad post to set up tone, but you failed completely to provide any conflict between Edgar and Bentre, which is a requirement as stated in the ACC Rubric.

He had spent so much time drudging about palace. Tasha'Vel had been looking after one of the Odanite Clan's number for quite some time, especially after the reality of the Inquisitorius' threat became more real. Following the Iron Throne-ordered naval attack, little had occurred to signal a further attack in waiting, but there had been a calm before Atra Ventus returned and the Sadowan Navy was broken.

While the Corellian Sith made himself clearly seen, he kept his gaze moving about the room and tried to take account of all the occupants to the best of his abilities. Despite the protection he was providing to his wife for this whole meeting, Bentre was growing bored. The guards were uninterested in talking about swoop racing, cards, the local women or anything of any real interest. The wait staff were courteous enough, but he could tell by the cool stares that he was wearing his welcome thin.

Like a cool breeze through a cave, a presence seemed to almost whistle briefly in the Force. Opening himself to the Force for a moment, Bentre tried to concentrate, hoping to locate his the Versea matriarch's contact. Another brief breeze in the Force drew his attention toward the stairs. The man's dress and demeanor, from his vest and shirt to his worn boots, seemed very fitting given the company one tended to keep in the Huttese Palace. Bentre smiled as he spotted the trademark weapons attached to the man's belt: two lightsabers.

*Pure pazaak," Bentre stretched out a hand, and grasped at the air to focus. Taking a two second breath, he concentrated on the back of the man's vest, pulling the back through the Force to jerk the garment sharply. The man whirled around, his eyes searching for the source of the sensation. Pointing out, Stahoes jerked a finger back toward himself, signaling to Edgar Drachen to come back down the stairs. The Jedi stood on the stairs, unmoving for several moments. This prompted a sigh from the Battlelord, who started to walk briskly toward the stairs himself.

I need to talk with you, the Sadowan projected his thoughts through the Force as he locked eyes with this mysterious man whom Tasha'Vel had asked him to help her track down. He watched the man as he strode up to the lowest stairs, watched as the vested man reached down towards one of his cylindrical weapons.

Bentre could feel his face flush as his hand dropped to the thinner of his two lightsabers. Pure instinct took over as the Sith activated the weapon, igniting the sapphire-blue energy blade with an electrical crackle and a hum. Though his gaze never left the man, he heard the scuttling of feet on the floors and a cry from somewhere behind him. He hadn't wanted this, he didn't want it to devolve to a fight just yet. The man's own hands had closed upon his weapons, both red and yellow blades activating in a snap-hiss as the supposed-Jedi turned his body slightly-sideways. Tasha'Vel was going to be angry when all was said and done.

Frustration gave birth to action as Bentre made a wide slash in the air, releasing his weapon at the furthest point of the swing. The lightsaber twirled in a trailing arc, seemingly on target. Stahoes' opponent stepped sideways, turning the lightsaber in his right hand around to lightly block the attack. The strike occured at an angle, most of the blow being merely sidestepped.

Well, he is good. Hopefully we can make this quick enough then, Bentre mused as he stomped up the stairs, a battle-hungry glint in his eyes as his left eye turned from its normally hazel appearance, revealing its true glowing-red appearance.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 19 July, 2017 11:38 PM UTC

He had spent so much time drudging about palace.

The palace.

Opening himself to the Force for a moment, Bentre tried to concentrate, hoping to locate his the Versea matriarch's contact.

It looks like you added an extra word there, 'hoping to locate the Versea' would have been correct.

*Pure pazaak," Bentre stretched out a hand, and grasped at the air to focus.

Two things. You didn't close your Markdown there and added a comma in that you didn't need.

Taking a two second breath, he concentrated on the back of the man's vest, pulling the back through the Force to jerk the garment sharply.

Two things again, two second warrants a hyphen for two-second and the repetitive use of 'back' when referring to Edgar's vest. You already said you were grabbing the vest by its back, adding that you pulled at the back rather than simply saying you 'pulled' makes this clunky and breaks your flow.

He hadn't wanted this, he didn't want it to devolve to a fight just yet.

Okay, first after your introductory clause, this is a comma splice, you'd be better served with two separate sentences or a semicolon here. Secondly, grammatically it would have been more correct to use 'devolve into a fight.'

The strike occured at an angle, most of the blow being merely sidestepped.

Occurred has two 'r's in it.

Well, he is good. Hopefully we can make this quick enough then, Bentre mused as he stomped up the stairs, a battle-hungry glint in his eyes as his left eye turned from its normally hazel appearance, revealing its true glowing-red appearance.

Run-on sentence.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 19 July, 2017 11:39 PM UTC

A good follow up post, and you provided both the beginning of combat and conflict for the match. You do have an issue with repetitiveness, using the same words in close proximity to one another so please keep an eye out for that.

“Well it’s nice to see not all of you Jedi are soft! I think you will do nicely for our plans.” the sith with bright red eyes proclaimed as he forcefully moved up the stairs towards Edgar. After deflecting his first attacked the Hoth Commander was more focused and more open to the force. He felt a vast conflict within his opponent both one of rage and aggression along with that of regret and disappointment. Edgar not being one to take the time to to to figure this out was not giving much of a chance when Bentre was in a few meters from him leapt at him swinging his azul blades with speed and with such a forceful style it cause Edgar to remain on the defensive.

It was clear this Sith was trying to wear the Grey Jedi down but Drachen was ready for him although he hit like a asteroid hitting a moon Edgar was able to dance around him and lead him up the remain stairs to force his opponent on a much leveled combat plain. The glowing red eyes locked with his own but it was Edgar who controlled the direction of the fight. As they moved the Jedi was able to poke through his defenses a few times but not nearly enough to make any use of them.

Pushing Benetre to the top of the stairs broke the man’s concentration enough for the regret to come back to him enough for the Sith to drop his guard just a bit. He may have been trying to say something or he may have been just trying to catch his breathe Edgar didn’t care. It was his turn to go on the offensive. He allowed the force to augment his abilities and lunged at the sith.

The young house commander used all of his light saber training to whittle down what little defenses the Battlelord had. Moving as quick as the Force the opponents were able to match each others attacks and with either good defense or help from their lightning quick reflexes. The Sith was a bit surprised by how much raw emotion was coming from the jedi, for it wasn’t something he was use to when dealing with or killing other Jedis he has faced before.

All he knew is that he had to get his message across and he had to do it now!

As if by pure luck Stahoes was able to block and saber lock the Jedi’s incoming attack. He could tell this Jedi was not playing games anymore and this has now gone on well beyond what how wife wanted. He had to either defused this situation quickly or someone was going to lose their life.

Bentre’s thoughts of his child came to his mind and he knew he had to make this right before things got to far out of hand. So he took the opportunity that presented itself, “Listen to me Jedi! I came just to talk I need yo..”, The distracted human’s words were cut short as the young jedi broke the saber lock and spin around kicking him square in the chest cracking at least 2 ribs and breaking another 2 throwing Bentre backwards and falling to one knee.

Standing a few meters away edgar looked down at the man trying to gasp for air and get the senses straight. “Talk to me? You want just to talk? That is one of the few things about you Sith I do actually enjoy and that’s you utterly superb sense of hypocritical!” Allowing himself a quick breath he continued in a mocking tone “Only a Sith would start a conversation with springing a trap followed by attacking their dialogue partner. So I would advise you to either spit out what you got to say or let’s get on with this I’m in no more for any of your Sith games.”

Bentre beginning to finally catch his breath started to control the coughing fit has air rushed into his lungs. He did hear with the jedi said but all he saw was anger and rage as his eyes met his opponents and quick little thought he stood focusing all of his power and speed on closing the distance between as fast as he could. Swinging and thrusting his saber at Edgar for them to only be expertly blocked as his opponent yet again sidestepped his advance. The Sith now being slightly off balance by this Edgar took his chance to end the fight and went for the killing blow. Just as his crimson blade was about to make contact Strathoes blocked the attack as if he had superhuman reflexes and what able to counter the attack by blasting the Hoth commander with the large bolt of Force lighting.

Edgar being knocked back and was convulsing in ways he never experienced before he screamed in pain that patrons downstairs heard it echoing in the halls. After a brief few seconds Bentre’s sanity regains control and he stopped his attack. It was only then that seeing the Jedi that he was only supposed to make contact with injured and his clothes still smoking did he realized that this has gone too far for him to fix now.

Regaining his composure he looked over Edgar who was recovering from the the unsuspected attack, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this my wife Tasha and I need you help, but now clearly isn’t the time to ask for such help. I hope one day we can actually discuss this with no hard feelings”

Just as the Battlelord starting to descend the staircase he heard the Hoth Commander get to his feet. He only stopped when Drachen said “I’m so far beyond wanting to hear about what you have to say and I’ll just say this the next time we meet we just might finish what you started here!”

Turning around to face the young man again the Sith calmly said “I hope you don’t expect me to ever be scared of any Jedi threat. For you see once i go home and explain to my wife how this meeting turned out and that my friend is a fate far worse than the prospect of seeing you again.”

With that he continued down the stairs leaving Edgar to tend to his wounds and get back to his ship as well.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 20 July, 2017 12:14 AM UTC

“Well it’s nice to see not all of you Jedi are soft! I think you will do nicely for our plans.” the sith with bright red eyes proclaimed as he forcefully moved up the stairs towards Edgar.

Two things, besides again some commas in your dialogue but this time it doesn't really hurt the readability, so you get a pass. What does hurt it is the period you put in there. When dialogue is affected by the following clause, as it is here with 'the sith etc. proclaimed,' it gets a comma to denote this. Secondly, Sith is a title, just like Jedi, so that gets capitalized.

After deflecting his first attacked the Hoth Commander was more focused and more open to the force.

'After deflecting his first attack, the Hoth Commander' etc.capitalised, it is not so much a tense issue here as just the wrong word to show whats going on. Second, Force is alway capitalized when referring to THE Force.

Edgar not being one to take the time to to to figure this out was not giving much of a chance when Bentre was in a few meters from him leapt at him swinging his azul blades with speed and with such a forceful style it cause Edgar to remain on the defensive.

Alright, a few things here. A comma after Edgar is missing, I'm not sure if Edgar was trying to give Bentre a chance or wasn't given a chance, as your sentence structure makes it nearly impossible to tell. I'm not sure which combatant is leaping at the other, either. I'm assuming azul was meant to be azure. All around this statement was jumbled, confusing and difficult to follow.

It was clear this Sith was trying to wear the Grey Jedi down but Drachen was ready for him although he hit like a asteroid hitting a moon Edgar was able to dance around him and lead him up the remain stairs to force his opponent on a much leveled combat plain.

Missing a comma after down, it should have been remaining stairs, more level combat plain would have been proper, and this should in all rights have beeen two seperate sentences instead of a run-on.

Edgar being knocked back and was convulsing in ways he never experienced before he screamed in pain that patrons downstairs heard it echoing in the halls.

I have serious doubts that anyone is sticking around after these two start fighting.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 20 July, 2017 12:15 AM UTC

So this post was a lot of misspellings, wrong tenses, lack of capitalization or just the wrong words used entirely. Determining who's point of view was being presented was difficult to ascertain and the action was not easy to follow. Please take the time to get your posts proofed.

There was no trace of mirth or humor from the Gray Jedi as he studied the Sith standing before him. Descending the stairs, Edgar kept his body at an angle as he watched his opponent carefully. He watched as Stahoes took a few steps back, almost as though inviting the man down to a more even ground for battle.

“Oh, so you are prepared for a bit of trouble now, are you?” Bentre let his voice rise up, so that everyone around could hear. There was a troublesome glint in his eye as he threw his lightsaber back and forth between his hands.

“The only trouble here is you.” The statement was short and angry.

“Oh my, looks like the Jedi is getting angry. Don’t want to get wrapped up in emotions and show some humanity. You might risk falling to the dark side of the Force.” The Corellian laughed as he saw more irritation flash in Edgar’s features. The Jedi stalked forward, his stance remaining oddly stiff even as he seemed to almost glide down the remaining stairs as he came back down to face the Sith on more even grounding.

“I get called to help protect the child of a Twi’lek, and I get ambushed. What trap is this?”

“Oh,” Bentre twirled the tip of his weapon playfully in the air as he spoke, “this was no trap. I just figured I would take an opportunity to take the measure of the man who is supposed to be guarding my progeny.” With a whoop, the Sadowan closed the distance between the two. Stahoes drew back, chopping at Drachen with purpose. Edgar struck back against the blow with a grunt, before swiveling and driving a kick into Bentre’s torso. The sideways kick caught the Shadow unaware, driving a sharp breath of pain.

“Bring on the pain!” The cry of a patron sounded from a corner of the room.

“Didn’t-,” the Sith hissed, “think you Jedi had it in you to be quite this spirited. My mistake.” Throwing out his right hand, Bentre let loose a fork of white-blue energy. The Odanite stepped sideways, avoiding being struck by the attack, before swinging his lightsaber wide in an attempt to remove the hand.

“Oh well.” the Shadow drew himself up, taking a moment to glance about before seeming to realize something was amiss. He motioned with his head. “This has been an interesting little diversion, but I do believe we are getting a little more attention than either of us like. Maybe you would like to just talk with the lady upstairs and be on your way?”

“You attacked, and I retaliated. You are still a threat.” Edgar’s shook his head as he watched the man clutching at his side.

“Yeah, well if you look about, we are making a lot of noise. I don’t think I want to be caught in the middle of all this again. My last little barfight here didn’t exactly end well.” Deactivating his weapon, Bentre bowed his head, his eyes on the ground even as he smiled. “Unless you are going to strike down an unarmed man.”

The Odanite stood over his opponent for a moment in indecision. The Sadowan did not look up from the floor. The internal struggle between ending the man there and sparing him warred for several moments before Edgar gave a sigh. “Get out of here. Don’t let me catch you about again or else I will finish what I could have here.”

Bentre gave a mocking little bow. “Yes, of course, good master,” a giggle was barely suppressed as he stepped up and turned away. Drachen watched as the man strode away quickly, nearly knocking a glass of ale from a table on the way out. When the Sadowan was out of sight, Edgar drew himself up.

This whole night had been a waste of time. If these were the sorts that Tasha’Vel ran with, than perhaps she was going to have to find her own means to defend the child. He couldn’t take this kind of treachery. Drawing himself up, Edgar strode to the bar, placing several credits on the bar before making his way out. He would have to get back to the Dragon’s Claw. He had a lot to do, and had spent far too much time here already.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 20 July, 2017 12:32 AM UTC

“I get called to help protect the child of a Twi’lek, and I get ambushed. What trap is this?”

Sorry? Twi'lek? Not sure where that came from.

“Bring on the pain!” The cry of a patron sounded from a corner of the room.

Tempted to knock off some realism here, I find it difficult to believe the people haven't all fled from the two lunatics waving laser swords around.

He had a lot to do, and had spent far too much time here already.

Unnecessary comma.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 20 July, 2017 12:33 AM UTC

A neat little ending with a balance of combat and story, not too shabby.