There was no trace of mirth or humor from the Gray Jedi as he studied the Sith standing before him. Descending the stairs, Edgar kept his body at an angle as he watched his opponent carefully. He watched as Stahoes took a few steps back, almost as though inviting the man down to a more even ground for battle.
“Oh, so you are prepared for a bit of trouble now, are you?” Bentre let his voice rise up, so that everyone around could hear. There was a troublesome glint in his eye as he threw his lightsaber back and forth between his hands.
“The only trouble here is you.” The statement was short and angry.
“Oh my, looks like the Jedi is getting angry. Don’t want to get wrapped up in emotions and show some humanity. You might risk falling to the dark side of the Force.” The Corellian laughed as he saw more irritation flash in Edgar’s features. The Jedi stalked forward, his stance remaining oddly stiff even as he seemed to almost glide down the remaining stairs as he came back down to face the Sith on more even grounding.
“I get called to help protect the child of a Twi’lek, and I get ambushed. What trap is this?”
“Oh,” Bentre twirled the tip of his weapon playfully in the air as he spoke, “this was no trap. I just figured I would take an opportunity to take the measure of the man who is supposed to be guarding my progeny.” With a whoop, the Sadowan closed the distance between the two. Stahoes drew back, chopping at Drachen with purpose. Edgar struck back against the blow with a grunt, before swiveling and driving a kick into Bentre’s torso. The sideways kick caught the Shadow unaware, driving a sharp breath of pain.
“Bring on the pain!” The cry of a patron sounded from a corner of the room.
“Didn’t-,” the Sith hissed, “think you Jedi had it in you to be quite this spirited. My mistake.” Throwing out his right hand, Bentre let loose a fork of white-blue energy. The Odanite stepped sideways, avoiding being struck by the attack, before swinging his lightsaber wide in an attempt to remove the hand.
“Oh well.” the Shadow drew himself up, taking a moment to glance about before seeming to realize something was amiss. He motioned with his head. “This has been an interesting little diversion, but I do believe we are getting a little more attention than either of us like. Maybe you would like to just talk with the lady upstairs and be on your way?”
“You attacked, and I retaliated. You are still a threat.” Edgar’s shook his head as he watched the man clutching at his side.
“Yeah, well if you look about, we are making a lot of noise. I don’t think I want to be caught in the middle of all this again. My last little barfight here didn’t exactly end well.” Deactivating his weapon, Bentre bowed his head, his eyes on the ground even as he smiled. “Unless you are going to strike down an unarmed man.”
The Odanite stood over his opponent for a moment in indecision. The Sadowan did not look up from the floor. The internal struggle between ending the man there and sparing him warred for several moments before Edgar gave a sigh. “Get out of here. Don’t let me catch you about again or else I will finish what I could have here.”
Bentre gave a mocking little bow. “Yes, of course, good master,” a giggle was barely suppressed as he stepped up and turned away. Drachen watched as the man strode away quickly, nearly knocking a glass of ale from a table on the way out. When the Sadowan was out of sight, Edgar drew himself up.
This whole night had been a waste of time. If these were the sorts that Tasha’Vel ran with, than perhaps she was going to have to find her own means to defend the child. He couldn’t take this kind of treachery. Drawing himself up, Edgar strode to the bar, placing several credits on the bar before making his way out. He would have to get back to the Dragon’s Claw. He had a lot to do, and had spent far too much time here already.
Two things here, first you need a comma after the introductory clause after 'landing', secondly and this is just me nitpicking and not marking you off for it, it's Gray Jedi, much like Dark Jedi it needs to be capitilizaed. Also its 'Gray' in the Brotherhod system, denoting the Path moreso than a color.
Its Nar Shaddaa with two a's on the end.
Generally speaking we don't crackdown on dialogue choices, as it is a matter of 'grammar not fully applying to speech' but this was rough. The lack of commas made it run together and I had to re-read it twice to get the gist. It also wasn't clear if the message was meant for Tasha or was from Tasha, due to the lack of a comma. As the reader and knowing who you're fighting I could infer, but I shouldn't have to.
this reason or these reasons would be better both grammatically and for flow.
Need a comma after upstairs in the first bit, again its Gray but you did capitailize it this time. This sentence just kept going and going, be careful of run-ons.
Alright, so your comma after 'this' should have been after 'blowhard' and secondly, and this is a contextually confusing thing that a lot of people have trouble with. Say 'honor' aloud, when you do it comes out 'sounding' like it starts with a vowel sound, so its lead up is 'an' not 'a'.
Think you accidentally left an extra word in between man and Edgar, missing a comma after 'ass'.
First off the sentence that starts this paragraph is a mess of fragments that have nothing to do with one another. Focus it out, use commas and conjunctions or just make it into multiple sentences. Also a missing a comma after 'tremor'.
Not a bad post to set up tone, but you failed completely to provide any conflict between Edgar and Bentre, which is a requirement as stated in the ACC Rubric.