Savant Aul Celsus vs. Augur Locke Sonjie

Savant Aul Celsus

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Defender, Consular
vs.

Augur Locke Sonjie

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
Comment

Well, how's that for a final match? Score wise, we have ourselves a tie.

There are things you both did really well here, and not much in the way of a negative. A risk was made in some areas (I'm looking at your ending post, Aul) but it mostly played out well on the whole for you both.

When it comes down to it, for something like this, I have to bring in another Judge to give me a second opinion. Maybe something was missed? However, when that isn't the case, there has to be some preference offered up. Typically, that would be a "hard" and "soft" score in a category.

Even with that second opinion, it was hard to reach an agreement. Personal opinions come into play and make things difficult. Had to grab a third and let it percolate for a bit.

The deciding factor came down to the writing itself. Noticeably, Aul's posts. The structure and cadence were pleasing and it never felt monotonous or like I was dragged along.

With that exceedingly minor differentiation, and no discrepancies noted by peer review, I grant the win to Aul Celsus.

Hall The Harrowing [Clan Naga Sadow]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Aul Celsus, Augur Locke Sonjie
Winner Savant Aul Celsus
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Aul Celsus's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Augur Locke Sonjie's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Sepros: Temple of Sorrows
Last Post 6 July, 2017 7:29 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Epis Locke Sonjie Aul Celsus
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Only some small issues present. Rationale: Some small issues were present.
Story - 40%
Epis Locke Sonjie Aul Celsus
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You hit all the notes you could have done here, without really grabbing the reader with a hook and enrapturing them in the world. Like I said in the comments, it is hard to put to words exactly what was so irksome about your structure but there was a monotony to it that was hard to shake off. This kept you from being elevated to a higher score. Rationale: You did a lot of good here. You characterized the characters well and maintained an interesting flow to your writing. The biggest risk you took befell you in the Final Post. It could have easily become a comedy of errors when raised up against Realism. It didn't, due to reasons I outlined in the comments.
Realism - 25%
Epis Locke Sonjie Aul Celsus
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Minor hit in the second post in regards to TK. Rationale: Minor hit in the first post in regards to TK Wave.
Continuity - 20%
Epis Locke Sonjie Aul Celsus
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None that were noted. Rationale: None that were noted.
Epis Locke Sonjie's Score: 4.2 Aul Celsus's Score: 4.2
Posts

header

Located on Sepros, the ancient Temples of Orian have served as the home for Clan Naga Sadow since the Exodus. In particular, the Temple of Sorrow was selected to become the base of operations for all of Clan Naga Sadow. The Temple has been rebuilt upon a once withered base, creating a hybrid of ancient stone and current era technology.

Within the shroud of Sepros' jungles, the spire of the Temple stands tall and menacing. It is constructed at the heart of a large clearing within the trees, with an impressive courtyard flanking it. The courtyard itself is a testament to the ancient origins of the Temple, littered with remains of the previous temple. Vines grow like slithering snakes throughout the crumbling architecture as if trying to strangle what stone remains and drag it into the dirt once more. Moss coats the stones in defiance to the elements that have stripped the stone bare throughout the courtyard. A grand staircase leads from the grassy ground to the main entrance, with secondary platforms on either side that house landing platforms. Several transport shuttles are settled upon the platforms in varying states of readiness as droids see to their maintenance.

Inside the Temple lies the main hall. The walls are shaped from a marble-like structure with elegant, flowing curves as if molded in clay. Columns line the walls leading away from the entrance towards the central chambers, supporting a balcony that stretches along the walls of the hall as a second level. Multiple corridors are seen between the columns, leading towards the Temple proper. Within these pathways reside the quarters many call home, in addition to various training rooms and small libraries.

This is the Temple of Sorrow, the heart of Clan Naga Sadow.

Engines still whined as the shuttle vented gases and settled to the ground. Locke stood on the steps of the Sadow Palace, watching as the craft's boarding ramp descended. The Arcanist shifted his stance, putting one palm on his lightsaber. The movement reminded him of the world's humidity, already causing him to sweat under his robes. A slight drizzle had begun as the shuttle settled down, but it only made the discomfort worse.

Aul Celsus emerged onto the shuttle's ramp, walking toward the steps Locke stood on. The Savant stopped a few meters away, calmly regarding the Augur before him.

Locke studied the other man. He was unsure of Aul's capabilities. Reports indicated that he was more healer than fighter, but he had defeated the others up to this point. Locke would have to be wary of the man. "Going somewhere, Defender?" he asked, emphasizing the title.

The Savant seemed to tense slightly, perhaps from the connotations it gave. "Out of my way," he replied cooly. "I don't have time for this right now."

"No," Locke said, staring at the other man's eyes. "I think you do. There can be only one Sword of Sadow."

There were times for discussion and talking through the situation. Locke knew this was not such a time. Sang had ordered that they must fight. The Arcanist understood why, so he would do so. He did not speak as he ignited his weapon, the blade pale in the light given by the overcast sky above. Rain drops hissed as they hit the weapon and evaporated, but the sound was soon lost as the rain began to pick up. In seconds, it was a torrential downpour.

The Arcanist heard no sound except rain and wind as Aul reacted and ignited his own lightsaber. For a few moments, the two met eyes. Locke took advantage of that moment to summon the Force to his aid, the power surging through his muscles. As he charged forward, his feet seemed to glide off the wet steps and dash onto muddy earth, slowing him only slightly. Thoughts processed through Locke's mind quickly. He did not intend to go easy on Aul - medic or no.

Feint, then attack his weapon...

He aimed his first strike at Aul's left, targeting his stomach. The Savant responded by shoving Locke's lightsaber away with his own, pushing with more force than the Arcanist could have managed unaided. He spun away from the push, letting Aul's effort assist his own momentum. Completing the spin, Locke brought his weapon down in a tight arc, aiming it for his opponent's right hand. Aul twisted to avoid the strike, stepping back and pointing his left wrist in the Arcanist's direction. Fire poured from the miniature projector he wore.

The heavy rain dealt with most of the flames, but it was enough to give Locke pause. He stepped back, cloak smoldering despite the storm. The Arcanist growled and shrugged his shoulders out of the cloak, tossing it into the air with his free hand. It billowed away from the two, the increasing wind carrying it away behind him.

"Fire? In this weather?" Locke yelled, barely heard over the rain.

Aul smiled. Locke thought the man said something like 'It worked, didn't it?', but it was hard to tell over the sounds of rain and wind. It seemed they were going to suffer an entire storm during their duel.

Mindful of the mud, Locke carefully backed up, one step at a time, continuing until he felt the stone steps of the ancient Temple of Sorrow under his feet. He made himself grin at Aul, showing teeth.

Come on, work for it, the Augur thought. Locke expected something creative, but he did not expect Aul to back away from the battleground himself.. Coward, he thought, you can't run from this…" his thoughts trailed off as he looked more closely and noticed Aul had retreated to the gray tarmac of the shuttle's landing pad, several meters away.

The ground between them had become a muddy slosh. Locke had always thought it foolish to not just pave over the entire area around the Clan's headquarters, but it's architects had wanted to keep it as close to nature as possible. As such, they had left the area outside the temple a grassy field, save for the necessary square landing pads for ships.

That field was now a mixture of mud and rapidly-expanding puddles. After pondering how that affected their battle, Locke looked up - just in time to see a blaster pistol in Aul's hand. The Savant fired the weapon, sending three shots in Locke's direction. Having no immediate cover, the Augur quickly summoned the Force and held up his free hand, stopping two of the bolts, while another went wide. At the same time he tossed down his lightsaber and retrieved his own blaster, quickly firing it in Aul's direction. He was distinctly aware that his shield would have likely shattered on a fourth hit.

The shots were unlikely to hit the other man, but they were close enough to give him pause. Aul ducked behind a storage crate on the edge of the landing pad, while Locke dropped his Force-generated shield. He held his own pistol ready to fire again, knowing where Aul hid.

Darth Renatus, 6 July, 2017 10:16 PM UTC

Syntax

For a few moments, the two met eyes.

This is very awkward. Typically, their eyes would meet, rather than "met eyes".

He aimed his first strike at Aul's left

His left what? This should really specify "side", even with the clarification of stomach after.

battleground himself.. Coward, he thought, you can't run from this…"

Double period here. Either that or you intended an ellipsis. Then you have a trailing quote without its mate.

but it's architects had wanted to keep it as close to nature as possible.

"It" likes to be different. Unlike its peers, it doesn't use a comma to denote possession. That's a contraction of "it is".


Story

This story was a decent set up with a heavy helping of venue based attention. What I noticed most of all throughout was a somewhat monotonous cadence to the narrative. I'm not sure if it had to do with how you were structuring the sentences (in terms of length and flow, with lots of comma separation) but it definitely was noticeable.

Aul leaned back against the storage crate with his blaster pistol still clenched in his right hand, taking advantage of the cover to re-center himself. He knew he would be an easy target as soon as he emerged into view.

“I can wait all day, Celsus,” Locke called out into the thunderous storm. The Arcanist re-seated his grip on his own blaster, keeping it homed in the Defender’s general direction.

The rain fell heavily on the Temple, bouncing off of the Gray Jedi’s cloak as he sat huddled in cover. The space between himself and his opposer grew into a muddy expanse and he could almost feel the reverberations as each droplet impacted and broke the murky surface. He took in a deep breath and reached outward, tapping into the crystalline network of the Force that surrounded the seat of Naga Sadow. He synchronized his core and leaned in, embracing the energy as it poured into his center, sending a harmonic sensation of Dark and Light through him.

He could sense Locke’s hesitance to dispatch his target, but the Bakuran’s sense of loyalty to position and duty was infamous; if he had disagreed with Sang to begin with he wouldn’t be in this predicament. No, there would be a decisive outcome to this fight. Only one would walk away today.

Aul channeled his energies into his musculature and breathed in a few more times, readying his reflexes. With fluid swiftness, he pushed off the ground and backflipped over the storage crate, blaster bolts narrowly missing him as they whizzed by his body leaving trails of sizzling steam where they’d impacted rain drops. He rotated his body around as he descended on the other side and landed on bended knee, his left fist bracing himself on tarmac.

Pushing his energy store to its limit, he quickly bounded across the mud field with his right hand extended as he emptied his blaster’s magazine in Locke’s direction. The Arcanist again raised a barrier, which deflected the first two shots but crumbled on the third impact, forcing Locke to roll sideways to narrowly avoid being hit. Had Aul been on more stable ground as he closed the distance the shots might have met their mark, but the mud proved unstable and the Defender found his accuracy significantly impacted as he readjusted his balance to avoid slipping and falling completely on the drenched field.

When Aul’s feet finally landed on the comparatively dry stones of the Temple’s foundation he was within five meters of Locke. A well-timed shot caught the barrel of the blaster in Aul’s right hand, releasing a blistering hot jolt through the weapon and sending the smoldering remains careening off behind him.

“Gah!” Aul cried out as the pain of the near-amputation registered in his brain. His momentum undeterred, the Gray Jedi rolled his right shoulder down and slammed it into the Dark Jedi’s chest.

“Oof,” Locke exclaimed as the air was violently expelled from his lungs. The two combatants tumbled onto the steps of the Temple.

Aul unleashed a brutal volley of jabs at his former Consul’s chest, throat and face with his left hand. Each impact intensified Locke’s growing expression of pain. The Arcanist was nearly overwhelmed by the speed and strength of the smaller combatant’s strikes, but his larger size allowed him to roll over and unbalance the Defender. Without skipping a beat, Aul pounced on Locke once more, improvising a choke hold around his target’s neck.

Locke gasped for air as his windpipe began to collapse. He focused himself inwards and controlled his panic just long enough to tap into the energies of the Temple. He reached behind him and grabbed Aul’s wrist. Instantly, blue-white electricity violently surged from Locke’s fingertips and coursed up Aul’s arm, causing his hold to release and leaving him spasming for a few seconds on the ground of the Temple.

Seeing his opportunity, Locke rolled over and raised himself to one knee. He dumped his remaining energy stores into his balled right fist and slammed it onto the ground next to Aul’s body. A shockwave exploded from the ground, sending the Gray Jedi’s limp body ten meters into the air, slamming into the ceiling of the Temple. Huge slabs of stone supporting the ceiling came loose and fell to the ground along with Aul’s body, covering him in a tomb of wreckage.

“There can be only one,” Locke quietly repeated to himself.

Darth Renatus, 6 July, 2017 10:28 PM UTC

Syntax

himself and his opposer

Typically speaking, "opposer" isn't used as a noun. It should be a verb.

Had Aul been on more stable ground as he closed the distance the shots might have met their mark, but the mud proved unstable

Your use of "stable" and "unstable" results in unneeded repetition. It doesn't enhance the writing.


Story

I do like the give and take in this post. You do a good job balancing their strengths without making it feel one sided.


Realism

A shockwave exploded from the ground, sending the Gray Jedi’s limp body ten meters into the air, slamming into the ceiling of the Temple.

This is rather excessive given the wording of the Telekinetic Wave feat. It says "knock back and topple". Sending someone soaring ten meters, which is a fair distance, and resulting in a "slam" is somewhat outside those bounds.

"There can be only one," Locke said again, looking at the pile of rubble that covered Aul's body. The Augur glanced toward his blaster, leaving it where it lay. Instead, he fished out the Striker pistol he also carried, aiming the weapon toward the rubble. Reaching out with the Force, he could detect life below the stones. Aul was still alive; if barely.

Accept your defeat, Locke thought, hoping Aul would choose the wiser option. They did not need to kill each other. The Savant's loss would have been an unnecessary blow to Sadow. True, Locke had fought hard, but that was necessity. He could not have gone easy on Aul.

He couldn't let the other man die, either.

Inhaling deeply, Locke absorbed the Force, keeping his pistol trained on the rubble. The Augur spread the Force through his free hand, reaching his fingers toward one of the blocks of stone. He twisted them, feeling weight against them as they pressed against open air. Tendrils of the Force pressed against the block as Locke pushed his strength against it. He winced, finally able to roll one block over. If he had used both hands, he might have been able to move it more easily, but these blocks were heavy.

Aul lay there, unmoving save for the slow rise and fall of his chest. Blood made a thick line on his face, while his drab clothing was darkened with blood near his abdomen. The Savant groaned and rolled over, slowly pushing himself up to his knees.

"You've lost," Locke said. "It's over."

The other man coughed up blood, splattering it on the ground, eyes still looking down. When he finally raised his head, they held a defiant look. Locke did not move, maintaining the distance between them. He recognized that look.

"Don't be stupid," the Augur continued. "Many have been in your position and died for their hubris. Don't join them. You have a future."

Aul's voice cracked as he looked up, speaking in a mere whisper. They were far enough up the temple's steps that it echoed off the walls, eclipsing the distant sound of rain. "I will not join them," he said, enunciating every word distinctly. "You tried to kill me."

Locke sighed. "I did only what I had to, but the Harrowing is over. Sang would not expect me to kill you."

"Oh no," Aul continued, his voice rasping, blood on his lips. "Are you sure? He told me to kill you after all." He had something in his hand. Locke recognized the small cylinder immediately. The Savant's lightsaber soon snapped to life.

Eyes widening, Locke stepped back, his slugthrower still trained on the other man. "I could have killed you," he said slowly. "I could shoot you at any moment. Don't be crazy."

"Sang said you could no longer be trusted," Aul continued. "He said you are a danger. You have to be killed."

Does he really think this of me? Does he really think he can still fight me? Locke wondered. His resolve would not waiver, not in the middle of battle. There was a time for reflection, but this was not it.

I should just shoot him. It might have been the wise decision, but something stopped the Augur from doing so. He saw that distrust in the other man - that look of anger and disgust. He truly believed that Locke was an enemy. If I just injure him, he will still never trust me again.

"Very well," Locke muttered. He lowered the pistol, aiming it toward the ground. "I mean you no further harm. Our contest is over."

Aul didn't move. He just looked at Locke for a moment. Then his arms wobbled and he collapsed, flat to his face, lightsaber clattering away.

"Aul!" Locke snapped. He approached instinctively, intent on helping his fallen comrade. The battle was over now, there was no need for-

Suddenly, there was a snap, as if the lid had popped off something. It was muffled, having come from under the other man's body.Then Locke inhaled and felt himself gagging, even though there was nothing there.

"What is this?" he coughed, feeling his muscles weakening. Locke stumbled away from Aul, finding it difficult to walk. "Aul! Was this you?" he said, voice uncharacteristically weak.

The Savant dragged himself to his knees, and then slowly to his feet. He was not walking steadily, but he was standing. At the same time, Locke tried to raise the slugthrower toward the other man. "Poison," he gasped.

The weapon fell from his grasp. He collapsed to his knees, focusing entirely on his own body. Summoning the Force, the Augur searched for a way to stop the spreading toxin. He embraced the dark side without care for it's impurity. He needed it to survive. He had to slow his breathing; slow the spread of the toxin. Locke's mind raced as he fought for his life.

"It's funny that you mention hubris," Aul said from somewhere above Locke's head. "You were resolute and self-assured to the end."

Locke tried to ask "why?". It came out as a croak as his voice failed. He coughed more, dropping to both his hands and knees.

Have to show them they can trust me. The thought slipped across his panicked mind. He wanted to laugh, but he could not. The Augur had been so focused on concluding the fight. He had been sure Aul was defeated. He had taken a risk in order to prove his loyalty to the other man.

And he had paid for it.

All thought left his mind as Locke focused on the Force and his organs. Throwing the dark side into each one, he tried everything he could think of to purge the toxin, to keep his body functioning through it's poison, but it was pointless. He lost each battle, feeling more and more sick as his body shut down.

Finally, Locke felt himself falling. Everything turned black.

Darth Renatus, 6 July, 2017 10:44 PM UTC

Syntax

they pressed against open air. Tendrils of the Force pressed

Unneeded repetition.

man's body.Then Locke

Missed a space here.


Story

Suddenly, there was a snap, as if the lid had popped off something. It was muffled, having come from under the other man's body.

I'm assuming this is a reference to the dioxis grenade. However, it is never made clear in your writing. Then you have the plot hole relating to why Locke is breathing it but Aul somehow isn't.


Realism

If he had used both hands, he might have been able to move it more easily, but these blocks were heavy.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the effectiveness of Telekinesis. Yoda raised an X-wing with one hand. They are merely focusing actions, not "doubling your grip".

The Augur slowly walked around the pile, as if a predator considering its downed prey. There were no signs of blood seeping from under the debris, but he could not get a strong feeling of the Savant either. He stopped for a moment and focused deeper, reaching to catch a sign of Aul’s signature in the Force. He thought he might have felt a tiny tendril of an indeterminate Force-connected presence, but each time he reached for it, it slipped his senses. Perhaps it was a small animal burrowing through the rubble, perhaps it was the Gray Jedi.

Considering how massive the mound of stone that lay before him and how still it appeared, he resigned to the fact that his once-admired subject was likely crushed to death or at least mortally injured and slipping away. He had done his duty. He wiped his hands on his robe and took out a small comlink from his pocket.

“Sang, do you copy?” Locke spoke into the small device, a certain military cadence to his words.

“Updates?” came the reply.

“It’s done,” the Augur definitively stated.

“Understood,” Sang finished as the comlink dropped out.

Locke let out a sigh, shook his head and turned to walk towards the main hall of the Temple. He reached his left hand out as he made his way and gestured towards his lightsaber a few meters from his position. The weapon shook briefly before smoothly flying into his outstretched hand. His bootsteps echoed along the marble-like halls as his shape disappeared into the shadows.


Aul’s breathing was shallow. He lay huddled beneath the massive pile of stone, droplets of blood keeping time with his slowing heartbeat as they fell from his nostrils. He was dying.

He had attempted to form a barrier from the slabs of ceiling as they began to fall on him. The largest pieces had indeed been deflected from completely squashing him, but what little help it did was certainly insufficient. His armorweave cloak kept his lungs from being punctured from some particularly sharp pieces, but they still managed to fracture what felt like all of the ribs on his left side.

No! Not like this. It isn’t ending like this, Aul reaffirmed to himself. He began to reach out to the Force to draw it into him when he remembered his assailant was still present.

Click clack

Bootsteps.

With the miniscule reserves he had left, Aul put his whole self into concealing his Force presence.

Click clack

A muffled voice made it through some gaps in the rubble.

“Sang, do you copy?”

Aul felt a surge of anger. The betrayal was total and complete. Naga Sadow had turned on its own. For an honorarium? Aul Celsus would not die like this.

He waited and listened. The bootsteps started up again and then faded into the distance. He was alone. With what will he could muster he reached out to the Force and drew it heavily into him. He focused on his most critical internal wounds and patched what he could. Enough to keep him alive, at least. He spent a moment on his dominant, right hand as well. There was simply no time to mend himself to full fighting shape.

He grabbed his lightsaber off his belt and carefully ignited it in the small space surrounding him. He carved a path through the side of the rubble, accounting for the stones’ weight distribution. As the pile gave way he was left with an opening just large enough for him to squeeze out from. Aul pulled his body out of the pile and rolled down the side, landing in the mud.

Aul rose and carefully moved his arms and legs. His limbs escaped mostly unscathed, save for some deep bone bruises. Most of the damage had been to his torso, which he was able to mend sufficiently until he could get to a medical bay. That is, if he made it off Sepros alive.

He jogged into the Temple, amplifying the control of his muscle movements to reduce the force of impact of his feet on the stones. His steps were mostly silent as he caught up to Locke. Aul ignited his blade a meter behind the Augur and thrust forward. With split-second timing Locke turned and mid-swing ignited his own blade to meet the attack. The lightsabers crackled and hissed in the darkly light chamber.

Aul kicked Locke back, his foot heavily impacting the Augur’s abdomen. The Savant brought his arms back to chop down with the lightsabers and as he brought the blade down he levered the hilt mid-swing. Locke brought his blade up to guard against the attack, but the powerful impact dropped the Augur onto his back.

Aul aggressively brought his lightsaber in a flashy circle down upon Locke’s left hand, severing the appendage and the lightsaber hilt along with it.

“Agh!” Locke cried in pain.

The Augur brought his right hand up and motioned towards Aul. As the lightning sprung from his fingertips, Aul brought his blade over in a guard. The lightning crackled off the edge of Aul’s blade, unable to reach its grounded target. Aul brought his foot down hard on Locke’s chest, distracting the former Consul’s focus. With a swift flick of his wrist, Aul dismembered Locke’s right hand, turned in a continuous motion and amputated the Arcanist at both knees.

“Ahhh!” Locke screamed in excruciating pain.

Aul turned on his heel, killed the ignition on his blade and made for the entrance of the Temple. When he was about ten meters he turned and tossed a dioxis grenade at the Augur, who still lay in place writhing in pain. The canister opened and released its noxious contents. The screams of pain in the distance faded away just as Aul made it out of the Temple.

He reached down and opened his own comlink.

“Sang,” Aul said coolly.

“...Aul?”

“We need to talk.”

Darth Renatus, 6 July, 2017 10:50 PM UTC

Syntax

With split-second timing Locke turned and mid-swing ignited his own blade to meet the attack.

The flow here is awkward. You should encapsulate "mid-swing" with commas or move it to after "ignited his own blade".


Story

So, line separators can be very distracting when they break the flow. That didn't happen here. It helped clearly mark the scene shift. You played that well, then ran the risk of breaking realism with the ensuing final clash. I had to measure the skills of the characters here. Considering the damage both had received up to this point, and their base stats... I was able to let it lie. It would have been nice to have more of a clear explanation of why Locke was so easily put down (in the form of callbacks to the previous fight).