Vanguard Turel Sorenn vs. Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Vanguard Turel Sorenn

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Seeker, Sentinel
vs.

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the first phase of the ACC portion of the GJW!

Wow. This was a fantastic read from both competitors, and truly a difficult decision. This was the cleanest battle I've had the pleasure of reading as well. You both are certainly pros at this, and it shows. Well done, gents.

Turel, you wrote an excellent story and one you should be quite proud of given the constraints. In your opening post, your comma usage got me lost in the weeds but only briefly and only a couple of times. Otherwise, this is exactly the kind of work I'd hope to see from someone with your experience.

Mark, I also enjoyed your story. As I noted in the scores, it was certainly a step up from the normal ACC match we see all too often. I'd have liked to see just a little bit more from you in this area - more emotion, more internal conflict, etc. All of that would develop the characterization that bumped up Turel just above you in this department. Like him, there were a couple of syntax errors but overall you also had a very clean set of posts.

Thank you both for a fun match to grade.

The winner is Turel Sorenn.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Vanguard Turel Sorenn, Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj
Winner Vanguard Turel Sorenn
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Vanguard Turel Sorenn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Takodana: Maz Kanata’s Castle
Last Post 4 July, 2017 11:11 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Councillor Turel Sorenn
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Just a couple of small issues noted in each post. Rationale: Just a couple of small issues noted in the opening post.
Story - 40%
Deleted Councillor Turel Sorenn
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: This was also a good story. It certainly didn't feel like a normal, paint-by-numbers ACC match. The difference between your 4 and Turel's 5 is in character development - I feel as if I learned a little bit about both of your characters more in Turel's posts than I did in yours. Rationale: This was a fantastic story. I would love to read more of what happened before and after this battle - and that, I think, warrants a 5 here.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Councillor Turel Sorenn
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: The two things I noted in your final post are minor, but they do warrant a 4 compared to a 5 per the rubric. Rationale: No issues noted.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Councillor Turel Sorenn
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues noted. Rationale: No issues noted.
Deleted's Score: 4.2 Councillor Turel Sorenn's Score: 4.85
Posts

[Takadona Maz Kanata’s Castle](Asset Not Found)

When the First Order beset on Takadona, Maz Kanata’s castle took the brunt of the assault. Located on the shore of a lake that was owned by the pirate Maz Kanata, it served as a haven for travelers, smugglers and other unsavory characters. Sensor grids and advanced communication gear secured the castle from unannounced attacks, giving its owner and visitors enough notice to flee the scene.

The area around it is rumored to have been the battleground for the Jedi and Sith, being of strategic value for those willing to seek control over Takadona. Inside, the castle’s gray exterior vanishes into shades of brown, the color of sandstone. Tables and chairs fill the cluttered spaces where travelers could share tales or pursue their own controversial interests. Unfiltered smoke permeates the air, clogging the senses with a sweet odor. Various criminal groups have at some time or another sought shelter in the castle, their passage evidenced by the many-colored banners outside bearing their insignia.

[Takadona Maz Kanata’s Castle](Asset Not Found)

Now, the castle remains uninhabited. Several of its towers have crumbled under the First Order’s assault. Stonework pillars have toppled over, scorched from turbolasers and blaster fire. Other segments lie in ruin, still too new for the forest to have reclaimed the land around the castle.

A mild summer breeze gently rustled the trees as the sun glistened on the surface of the lake. Turel took a moment to enjoy the fresh air and the feel of the wind on his face before putting that blasted Sith Helm back on to complete his disguise. No wonder Inquisitors were so cranky, all those stuffy, dark armor sets and suffocating masks were like being inside a pressure cooker.

A real shame this place is abandoned, one could almost make a resort here.

The Jedi continued down a rocky path from the shore into the castle ruins, passing by rubble and blaster marks that marked a relatively recent battle. As he approached, he noticed an escort shuttle parked on a flat piece of ground.

My guests are here early it seems, Turel thought as he prepared himself for an ambush. The Sentinel Network had intercepted some overtures from the Herald’s shroud syndicate to a consortium of smugglers to traffic illegal weapons into Brotherhood space. Between the Lotus raids and their troubles with the Black Sun, the Iron Legion and Shroud Syndicate were feeling the pressure on their supply lines. They’d feel even more after today if Turel had his way. He was not about to let this deal go down.

The Sentinel decided to approach the shuttle to ascertain which faction had arrived at the party early. He hoped it would be some of Morgan’s low-level goons he could intimidate into leaving with his Inquisitor theatrics. Instead of his sister’s pirates, he found a rather familiar middle-aged Human male skulking about, apparently intending on attending the same meeting.

Andrelious? Here? You can’t be serious.

Turel had a somewhat mixed history with the Sith pilot. They had worked together as part of their respective units, most recently in a joint Odan-Urr Taldryan raid. However, the Jedi’s one on one encounters with members of the Mimosa-Inahj family usually ended with attempted murder. Andrelious professed his loyalty to Taldyran but Turel harbored significant doubts about the Sith’s true loyalties. Given the ex-Imperial’s known hatred for the Jedi it never really made much sense he’d support a Clan that welcomed them into their ranks or openly allied with them.

A flash of an idea shot across the Sentinel’s mind. He was here disguised as an Inquisitor, if Andrelious truly harbored any mixed loyalties, this would be a perfect opportunity to ferret them out. If Andrelious greeted the apparent inquisitor as a friend, then Turel’s suspicions about him would be confirmed. If he attacked, well, the Sith was probably going to assault him anyway on principle, the alliance between their Clans be damned. The way Turel saw it, he didn’t have anything to lose.

The Jedi took a deep breath to center himself before focusing on altering his presence in the Force to fit his dark persona. He openly walked into the clearing where the shuttle was parked.

“Andrelious, you are here earlier than expected.”

The fighter pilot turned around and pulled an ornate silver-hilted lightsaber from his belt. “You just made a huge mistake coming here.” He ignited the crimson blade.

Well, he seems to hate Inquisitors, but I did surprise him. It’s natural for him to get defensive in response to an unannounced visit. Let’s keep this going.

Turel slowly retrieved the armory saber on his belt and held it in his dominant hand just in case. “It’s not a mistake.” He held up his stolen Inquisitor comlink then pointed to the one Andrelious was wearing. “I’m reading your signal, you are a friend of the Inquisition are you not?”

The older man smiled. “Quite the opposite I’m afraid,” he quipped in a haughty Imperial accent, “I’m going to make each and every one of you pay!”

Turel ignited the ruby blade of his stolen weapon as he noticed Andrelious start to raise his hand. He had fought the Sith enough times to know that a blast of Force Lightning was one of his go-to attacks. Sure enough, he was right. The ex-Imperial unleashed a sustained stream of violet tendrils of pure dark side energy. Taking up a two-handed grip and holding the saber upright, parallel with his body, Turel managed to ground out the lightning attack. The smell of ozone and crackling sounds filled the air as the forks of energy met hot plasma.

Now what? The Jedi pondered.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 7 July, 2017 4:35 AM UTC

The Sentinel Network had intercepted some overtures from the Herald’s shroud syndicate to a consortium of smugglers to traffic illegal weapons into Brotherhood space.

Who is trafficking the weapons? This sentence could have been edited slightly to be more clear.

He was here disguised as an Inquisitor, if Andrelious truly harbored any mixed loyalties, this would be a perfect opportunity to ferret them out. If Andrelious greeted the apparent inquisitor as a friend, then Turel’s suspicions about him would be confirmed. If he attacked, well, the Sith was probably going to assault him anyway on principle, the alliance between their Clans be damned. The way Turel saw it, he didn’t have anything to lose.

These sentences are very comma-heavy. I'm not pointing this out as an error, I'm just pointing out that they could likely have been constructed differently. The first sentence in particular just looks odd to me as presented.

Andrelious was very pleased to have apparently fooled one of the Inquisition into heading to the ruins of Takodana. Whilst his quest for revenge left him with few qualms about where he killed his enemies, the fact that the First Order had so thoroughly destroyed the area meant he could have his latest victim simply written off as another casualty of that assault.

“We know about your friendship with Odan-Urr. Such a turnaround. Rumour had it you were one of our best agents, once. Now you’re helping the Jedi. Pathetic!” Turel taunted, keeping character perfectly.

“And yet I’ve never once felt the need to hide behind a mask. I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve done. Especially not in the name of my family,” Andrelious snapped.

Yet you’d kill millions just to give your family another ten seconds of life. That is your failing, the Consul thought.

“Ah yes. Your family. I see their ship is here. But I don’t sense Kooki or any of your daughters aboard. I hope that they are safe, Andrelious. It would be most unfortunate if this were a trap,” Sorenn continued, slowly massaging the Sith’s mind.

Andrelious face dropped as he considered the situation.

The Taldryan fleet! The Inquisition must have agents there!

Fear of loss and thirst for revenge began to steer Andrelious’ actions. Snarling, he charged straight for Turel, determined to destroy the masked man with any means available. His initial attack, a chained series of slashes of such aggression that the Jedi was quickly forced into a deeply defensive stance, rebounding the Taldryanite’s attacks, whilst offering very little in the way of a counter. In time, though, Turel settled into a far more patient group of movements, seemingly happy to just keep on blocking.

“You fight like a Jedi! And you called ME pathetic!” Andrelious roared as he continued his attempts to bypass Sorenn’s defences.

Having fought both against and alongside the Taldryan Rollmaster before, Turel had known almost exactly what to expect in terms of the actual fight, but he had not accounted for such sheer hatred of the Inquisition. In previous encounters, when the pair had clashed over their doctrinal differences, Andrelious would berate the Jedi at length, as though he felt enough of a darkness within Turel to turn him to the ways of the Sith. This time, however, the former Imperial was simply going for the kill as quickly as possible.

The Consul remained firmly on the defensive, parrying, blocking, and deflecting everything that Andrelious attempted. Feeling the frustration growing within the Taldryanite, Turel remained completely calm as he grasped the Force, turning mere concepts and thoughts into a convincing series of sounds and images.

Andrelious looked beyond Turel in disgust.

Ewoks? I don’t know what in the name of Palpatine they’re doing here, but..

Charging towards the small, furry aliens, Andrelious started swinging his lightsaber with little thought other than on how many Ewoks he was going to kill. Just as he reached the group, however, the Ewoks smiled an eerily Human smile in his direction, before fading away before his eyes.

“You’re far too late to interfere on Endor, Andrelious. Give it up. You’re old,” Turel taunted, wondering just how much more he’d dare goading the Sith. He couldn’t help but enjoy himself a little, but Mimosa-Inahj was a far less humorous soul.

“Taldryan was built by the old!” Andrelious snarled, turning to engage the Jedi again.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 7 July, 2017 4:50 AM UTC

His initial attack, a chained series of slashes of such aggression that the Jedi was quickly forced into a deeply defensive stance, rebounding the Taldryanite’s attacks, whilst offering very little in the way of a counter.

Tense issues.

“And Taldryan was betrayed by them too! A Taldrya Grand Master burned Karfur while their prophets abandoned them.” Turel’s grasp on his Inquisitor persona slipped in irritation at the mention of the elders who could have collectively stopped Pravus instead of enabling genocide.

The Sith halted his advance, gripping his saber tight. The Inquisitor’s words hit the fresh wound of Karfur’s loss, which only fueled his fire. Something familiar about the sound of the masked stranger’s voice also caused perplexment. Pieces slowly came together in the ex-Imperial’s mind.

“Who are you?” Andrelious slowly uttered as rage and confusion swirled inside him like a tempest.

An uneasy stillness fell for a few moments as Turel pondered his response. The sound of trees rustling in the breeze and the hum of the two lightsabers filled the clearing. Time seemed to slow down as both combatants tensed up, waiting for the other to make the first move.

The Inquisitor raised his free hand toward his head, first pulling the hood back then carefully removing the Sith Helm and tossing it to the ground with an audible thud.

The Taldryan’s eyes looked down on the iconic crimson and black helmet then back up into a very familiar pair of green eyes.

“Sorenn?” The shock and confusion were readily apparent on the middle-aged man’s face.

Turel could sense the bewilderment slowly give way to rage within the Sith. “Andrelious, listen to me, I know how this looks but it’s not what you think.”

Possibilities flooded the Rollmaster’s consciousness. He glanced back to the Sith Helm on the ground. Few of the possibilities explained how Turel possessed a rare mark of the Grand Master’s confidence.

Andrelious lunged forward with a horizontal saber sweep aimed at slashing the High Councilor in half. “I’d purge your entire traitorous family from the galaxy! You and your harlot sister!”

Turel leapt back and began deflecting blow after blow from the relentless Sith. “You don’t understand! Stop this! I’m on your side!”

“I won’t hear any of your lies, Sorenn!” Andrelious screamed as he transitioned to a single-handed grip and pointed his free palm at the Sentinel.

As the Jedi attempted to brace himself, a forceful shove from an invisible hand struck him in the chest, knocking him off his feet. He landed on his back just short of the parked escort shuttle.

The ex-Imperial charged to close the distance and lept into the air with a double-handed overhead grip, intending to execute a devastating downward slash. Turel was still shaking off his landing when he noticed Andrelious begin his advance. He reached out with his left hand and called on the Force to grasp his opponent. With a wave of his free hand, Turel telekinetically grabbed the Sith’s body and gave a single pull forward. The pull used the ex-Imperial’s momentum against him, causing the older man to fly past his target and head-first into the durasteel side of the escort shuttle.

Turel winced at the flesh-muted thump of the Sith’s forehead striking the spacecraft and the dull thud of his body crumpling to the ground. Wasting no time, the Jedi crawled over to the stunned Taldryan and pulled out a shock collar from his Inquisitor belt. He fastened the collar snugly under the older man’s jowls and stood up. The Sentinel retrieved his datapad and deftly activated the link between it and the shock collar, which beeped to confirm the device pairing.

Andrelious slowly came to and began to paw furiously at his neck. “What is the meaning of this? I’ll kill you, Sore—"

Turel hit a button on the datapad to administer a shock. “Now that I’ve got your attention, I can finish what I was saying earlier before I was so rudely interrupted.”

The Sith glared at the Jedi but stopped moving, momentarily conceding his detainment.

“Good boy. As I was saying, I’m still part of the Lotus and on your side. I just had to make sure you weren’t still loyal to the Inquisition yourself.”

Andrelious spat on the ground.

The Jedi’s patience was wearing thin. “I sent honorable men to their deaths defending the Taldryan survivors, including your wife and daughters. For their sake, I’m taking you back to Rylance unharmed. Now...whether you’re conscious for the trip back or not is up to you.”

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 7 July, 2017 4:58 AM UTC

I appreciate the decision to go with a non-lethal take down here. It reads as more realistic given the story, the IC relationship with the characters, and your own character.

Turel remained completely focused on the task at hand. Whilst the sight of an onrushing Sith was one that he was used to dealing with, he was having to remember to defend himself as though he were also a dark sider.

Andrelious’ eyes burned almost as bright and yellow as the sun overhead as hatred towards the apparent Inquisitor continued to spur the Sith onward. Each movement of his lightsaber seemed determined to quickly end things, but Turel still seemed satisfied with simply blocking everything that the Taldryanite threw at him.

As he continued his attempts to smash past his rival’s stubbornly defensive blade, Andrelious began to feel a warmer presence in the Force. At first, he ignored it, but, as it began to cancel out the darkness that he could feel in his opponent, he started to realise exactly what was happening.

“You. Tell me. Were you there when Karufr burned? Did you watch as the Iron Navy’s turbolasers laid waste to millions of innocent people?” the Rollmaster questioned, stepping away from the fight.

“Come on, Andrelious. Do you really think I’m going to tell you that?” Turel responded, glad for the brief respite.

“True. I can’t expect a man who is too much of a coward to even show his face to admit to being involved in anything like that. Let’s just say that you were there. How does it feel to watch a man’s orders destroy everything? All of those people, man, woman, child, killed. Perhaps you were even sent down to help with the cleanup,” Andrelious continued.

“Lord Pravus knows what he is doing. Any of those people, especially the children, could have..” the Jedi answered, trailing off as he realised just how dark he was sounding.

“You can’t justify it, can you? A real Inquisitor has no qualms about defending Karufr. Or New Tython,” the Sith stated.

“My identity aside, you were still here. That’s enough for the Lotus to take you in,” Turel declared, still keeping his false voice.

“No chance!” Mimosa-Inahj spat. He reached forward, swinging his lightsaber with only slightly less aggression than before. Turel resumed defending himself, but he started to spot signs that Andrelious was becoming tired. Stepping back, the Jedi waited for his opponent to reach forward, and, with a quick tap on the wrist, activated his dart shooter. A single dart sped out from under his sleeve, hitting the Taldryanite’s cheek.

The dart began to take effect almost immediately. Andrelious could feel a bitterly cold liquid beginning to flow around his body. As the sensation reached his fingers and toes, the Sith realised that he could no longer move them. The paralysis quickly extended along his arms and legs, leaving him to fall onto the ground.

“Perhaps you are a Sith after all. That was a dirty trick. Are you going to finish me now?” the Rollmaster questioned, his voice slurring.

Turel removed his helm. “No. You and I are done here. Once you get your motor functions back, you can explain to me why you were here. I very much doubt you’re here to help the Lotus, but I’m convinced you’re not helping Pravus,” Turel explained.

Andrelious was unable to respond verbally, but he did manage a small nod.

“Good. You’ll be able to leave here in peace, but I want you to understand something. I could easily kill you. I didn’t. Just think how many times you could have shown a little mercy. Not everyone deserves to die, Andrelious,” the Odanite continued.

Great. This is going to be one of THOSE days.. Andrelious thought.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 7 July, 2017 5:05 AM UTC

All of those people, man, woman, child, killed.

It reads weird if you don't pluralize the victims - men, women, children.

A single dart sped out from under his sleeve, hitting the Taldryanite’s cheek.

How would Andrelious' Precognition not have helped him avoid this? It seems like a situation tailor-made to have that occur... although I recognize you were looking for an ending to the fight.

Turel removed his helm.

Wouldn't there be some sort of reaction to this, given Turel and Andrelious' past history? Your character might not be able to give one verbally, but a widening of the eyes or something?