Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi vs. Adept Kell Palpatine Dante

Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Marauder
vs.

Adept Kell Palpatine Dante

Elder 1, Elder tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Force Disciple, Marauder, Obelisk
Comment

Greetings,

Thank you both for your participation in the GJWXII Phase I ACC Event.

Kell wins here primarily due to realism difference between writers. Both writers had some interesting combat scenes. Kell could have reflected Droveth as a character a bit better, and Droveth violated two Kell's aspects severely. For future battles, both writers should be particularly careful to properly reflect other character's aspects - both combat and non-combat aspects - as doing so avoids Realism hits and enhances Story. I have left comments on each post and some details in judgment text, but can provide further details as needed if desired; contact me via Telegram or email and I will respond as soon as time allows.

Again, thank you both for participating, and good luck in your future battles!

~Mav

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi, Adept Kell Palpatine Dante
Winner Adept Kell Palpatine Dante
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Adept Kell Palpatine Dante's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Jakku: Fallen Starship
Last Post 5 July, 2017 6:06 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
General Kell Palpatine Dante Lieutenant Colonel Narman Losa
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Many syntax issues, a couple of which distracted from the flow of the action. Rationale: Some syntax issues.
Story - 40%
General Kell Palpatine Dante Lieutenant Colonel Narman Losa
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: A couple of nice combat sequences, but also instances of 'show, don't tell.' Also, Droveth has no personality - there were opportunities where his aspects could have come into play, but didn't. Although this did not violate his aspects, it did keep the story from being as engaging, as Droveth could have been replaced by virtually any character to the same effect. Rationale: Overall some well described fighting scenes, but it was difficult to follow the action due to the way in which pronouns were employed. Consider fewer personal pronouns in the future, and employ other nouns to describe combatants if you don't want to use their names.
Realism - 25%
General Kell Palpatine Dante Lieutenant Colonel Narman Losa
Score: 5 Score: 2
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: Multiple realism errors, from misrepresentation of Kell by ignoring two aspects, as well as from seeming to ignore the pain from Force Lightning.
Continuity - 20%
General Kell Palpatine Dante Lieutenant Colonel Narman Losa
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: Final post has a continuity issue regarding Dante exiting through a tunnel, when the fighting had (presumably) remained outside, as no writer had moved it in doors... I think this was the intent with the scene involving the tackling but that isn't clear as written, so this is a continuity knock.
General Kell Palpatine Dante's Score: 3.9 Lieutenant Colonel Narman Losa's Score: 3.1
Posts

Jakku Fallen Starship

A year after the destruction of the second Death Star in the celebrated Battle of Endor, another war was waged between the New Republic and Galactic Empire. Basking beneath the desert sun of Jakku rests the remnants of this hostility. Shifting sands have since buried and uncovered countless treasures and relics- to the delight of scavengers eager who hope to recover tokens from either side of the conflict!

The harsh desert offers little shelter from the elements, remaining barren and flat against the imposing backdrop of a fallen Star Destroyer that was left uncovered after the famed Battle of Jakku. Rather than allowing the vessel to fall into the hands of the Republic after the self-destruct had been sabotaged, Captain Ciena Ree ordered the Inflictor evacuated and sent it crashing to the planet’s surface. Sunken into the shifting desert sea, the upper portion of the Inflictor’s hull and exhaust ports remain otherwise intact, preserved amidst the rubble of untold casualties that had once occurred on both sides. Although it has been scoured by the passing of several sandstorms, it still displays the former power and might of the Galactic Empire.

Fallen Starship

Innumerous scraps of metal and machines of war share the same grave, echoing the lives of those who fought and died among the perilous wastes. Hundreds of these relics sit untouched, lingering amidst the ghosts that tend and reside in Jakku’s graveyard.

The sand sizzled beneath his boots as the trooper made his way between two drifting dunes on this forsaken planet. Looming in front of Kell were the remains of an Imperial super star destroyer that had been cannibalized for parts over the past three decades. "I hate the desert...." Dante mumbled as the sun shone down with nary a cloud in the sky. His main mission was to find an artifact that was rumored to be hidden near the engine ports of the SSD, but his secondary one was to take care of anyone else who might be snooping around such as members of the Lotus.

As he approached the decrepit ship, a figure could be seen searching for something near a burnt out electrical panel on the rear of the vessel. Slowly making his way towards his opponent, Kell slipped his rifle off of his back and into his hands. Concealing himself, the sniper found a good spot and slowly brought himself down to the ground. Bringing the scope up to his right eye, the Obelisk assessed the man that was before him. A bald and tall human dressed in the robes of a researcher from the Shadow Academy, it wasn't one of the members of the Brotherhood that he was familiar with, and Dante could only assume that this was his competitor for the artifact. Unlike many of the members of the Brotherhood, Kell wasn't one to mindlessly slaughter someone, but he also wanted to find out what the man knew so there was only one way to go about this. Dante stood up from his hide and began walking the 100 meters to his enemy.

Droveth could feel the sudden arrival of the trooper, and he also had to make a decision as to how to handle this situation. The Jedi could feel the power of the man behind him. Slipping his cloak off, the bald man turned and said "Greetings... I'm guessing you're here looking for me? You should just turn around and go home..." with a wave of his hand. As he turned, Droveth took stock of the human that stood before him. Human. Armor. Lots of weapons.

The larger man chuckled and replied with "Sure... I will go home now...." and turned his body, but, instead of leaving, Dante brought his rifle to bear. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way."

Edging his hand down to his lightsaber, the Jedi let the Force flow through him, and he made his decision: to fight to the end.

Dante saw the change come over the Jedi, and he said "You don't have to do this..." as he swung the rifle to his back and put his hand on his saber.

"I must..." retorted Droveth as he leapt forward in a death from above attack on the Obelisk. The Jedi brought the his emerald saber in the space where his opponent was a moment before, but Dante was already bounding onto the engine mounting.

Dropping back down onto the ground, the Obelisk brought his saber up in front of him as he accepted the challenge from the younger warrior. Kell ignited the blade and a purple haze illuminated the shaded area as the sun began to set. "Time to play...." said Dante as he moved in with a quick wide swing from left to right that pushed his opponent backwards.

Droveth jumped out of the way of the incoming swipe and immediately followed it up with a quick diagonal cut that missed as his opponent did a quick half jump to the right. The Jedi moved forward again and again to try and engage his opponent, but each time it just quickly devolved into a round and round game of cat and mouse.

Telaris "Mav" Cantor, 7 July, 2017 10:00 PM UTC

The larger man chuckled and replied with "Sure... I will go home now...." and turned his body, but, instead of leaving, Dante brought his rifle to bear. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way."

First, you have an extra comma after the 'but' here. Next, even though it is perfectly realistic for Kell to shake off the attempt at a Mind Trick, it is better storytelling to “show” how he does, through some clear description of what Kell feels and how he overcomes it. It is hard to tell if your attempt to do that was with his turning his body, or if that was him teasing Droveth.

"I must..." retorted Droveth as he leapt forward in a death from above attack on the Obelisk.

What makes a death from above attack special?

The Jedi brought the his emerald saber

Syntax here.

The Jedi moved forward again and again to try and engage his opponent, but each time it just quickly devolved into a round and round game of cat and mouse.

You had a couple nice sentences describing the combat before this, but this sentence is a bit of a cliche. A more original way of describing the repetitive nature of the fight would have been better.

Sparks showered down as the Adept's blade cleaved through a control panel, Droveth jumping away at the last second. He flipped backwards and swung at Kell, emerald and aubergine colliding. The young Knight was easily brushed aside, narrowly avoiding a strike to the left arm. While he twirled his blade into intricate patterns, his opponent was slightly more conservative. Kell maintained a firm two-handed grip on his hilt, but the parries and blows were much more fluid than the Jedi's.

"I don't know what unlucky fates brought us here today, but only one of us will leave," The Knight growled, parrying a high strike from the Obelisk. He ducked his head low as another swing whizzed past his bald head. Shadows danced along the floor as the two men dueled, but Droveth could feel his speed starting to slow. His opponent only intensified, pressing him further back.

The Adept's eyes glowed brighter with each swing. Droveth knew that power, for he felt it in combat as well. But where the Knight's was a raw and untrained aggression, his opponent was completely focused. His blade was just an extension of his body, moving wherever it needed to be. The two lightsabers locked and Kell looked deep into the young Jedi's eyes.

"You do not need to die here today," He spoke between the blades. Droveth scoffed and pushed onto his lightsaber, sweeping his right leg towards his opponent. The Adept shifted left and spun around, bringing his leg up in the air and planting his heel into the Jedi's chest. As Droveth flew back Kell raised his hand and pushed him further with the Force. The Knight landed with a crash onto a burnt out console.

"Stay down and it'll be the end of it," Kell called out, but the Jedi coughed and rolled over, forcing himself to his feet. He let out a sigh and clipped his lightsaber to his belt. "Or you can keep trying this way."

Droveth ignited his blade and lunged forward, but the Adept now held both his hands in front of him. Electricity crackled up around the Jedi as he was pulled face down to the ground, tendrils of lightning colliding with his torso mid air. Kell clipped the hilt of his lightsaber back onto his belt and pulled the rifle from his back.

"Like I said before, but last chance." Droveth couldn't see the Obelisk, but he could feel him getting closer. His only chance of defeating the Adept would require a distraction. He looked up and into the eyes of his opponent, straight down the sight, but shifted his attention over to the left. All he needed was a touch, a slight breeze to raise the hairs on the back of his neck.

Kell's eyes widened and he whipped the rifle around. The Knight seized his opportunity and lunged forward, propelling himself towards the Adept's legs. He turned his head just as Droveth pulled him forward, crashing down onto the floor with the Jedi.

Telaris "Mav" Cantor, 7 July, 2017 10:06 PM UTC

Sparks showered down as the Adept's blade cleaved through a control panel, Droveth jumping away at the last second.

This reads a little strangely due to the tense shift.

Some nice descriptions of combat in this post, good job!

... but only one of us will leave," The Knight growled No capitalization after dialogue here. Also occurs a bit after it again.

"You do not need to die here today," He spoke between the blades.

While shifts in PoV are fine here, the shift in pronouns makes it difficult to recognize the speaker.

"Stay down and it'll be the end of it," Kell called out,

Kell has an aspect that specifically addresses staying quiet in combat - he is talking a bit much for that aspect!

Electricity crackled up around the Jedi as he was pulled face down to the ground, tendrils of lightning colliding with his torso mid air.

I assume this is Elder Storm - it is a little unclear - but if so, this would cause tremendous pain that must be accounted for.

Kell clipped the hilt of his lightsaber back onto his belt and pulled the rifle from his back.

This is a bit confusing given the description that Kell had both his hands in front of him.

All he needed was a touch, a slight breeze to raise the hairs on the back of his neck.

Pronoun usage again makes this sentence a little confusing, as it seems that the pronouns are referring to two separate individuals here.

Hitting the ground hard, Dante grunted as he had to deal with the weight of two bodies impacting the ground. Both combatants’ sabers went flying in different directions from the fall and began settling into the shifting sands. Instinctively, the trooper lashed out with his right foot and threw a boot to the head of the Jedi Knight.

Droveth knew the counterattack was coming, and the impact of the Obelisk's boot to the head still resulted in a sharp crack as his nose exploded into a mist of blood and bone fragments. The Jedi was flipped sideways and backwards falling roughly onto his side. Although he was bleeding profusely from his face, the Jedi crawled back to his feet yet again.

Admiring the young man’s tenacity, the Obelisk flipped up onto his feet and stretched his shoulder. He reached out with his right hand and his saber returned to it. The sun had almost disappeared by now, and the area was lit up by the purple hue of his blade.

The younger human leaned over and called his saber to himself, and the battle was renewed once more as Dante tried a quick poke that was blocked by a downward swipe of the emerald blade of the Jedi. The Lotus operative countered with a series of quickened slashes, but the Adept bounded slight to the right out of the way so that the Jedi’s attack only met thin air.

As the last swing of Droveth’s sequence was finished, Dante did a wide swing that went through to the muscles on his opponent’s left arm.

“Arggggghhhhhhhhh” screamed the Jedi as he took a few steps backwards, but he kept his saber up to try and block the next attack.

Dante smiled as he continued to keep his momentum and pressed the attack even more. Reaching up with his left hand, he grabbed a pile of scavenged parts with the Force and flung them towards his opponent.

Feeling the danger, Droveth tried to get out of the way, but he was unable to jump completely behind cover as a dozen pieces of scrap tore into his semi-armored robes.

Kell knew he was short in time in case reinforcements showed up for the Jedi so he went for a quick finish. A short jump forward was all he needed as he thrust his fist down into the ground which produced a shock wave was sent out that threw the Jedi back against the engine cowling.

Standing over the still, but alive, body of his opponent, Dante looked up at the quickly fading sun beneath the horizon. Brilliant streaks of amber and crimson flooded the serene desert terrain. So pretty some of the time, he thought to himself. Shaking his head, Kell said “Sorry, kid…” as Dante pulled out his saber and applied a slight burn to the backs of each of the Jedi’s legs.

The Jedi was brought back to full consciousness as he screamed out in pain as his tendons were cut and cauterized by the Obelisk’s lightsaber. “I am going to kill you!” he yelled at the armored figure before him.

“Fixable with a surgery and some bacta, Jedi... When you wake up, make sure you call your ride,” said Kell as he stood up.

Droveth groaned as he tried to control the pain and retorted with “What do you mean wake…” Before he could finish, Dante’s boot came down with an augmented strike that rendered the Jedi unconscious.

After a few minutes of looking, the Adept found the access panel that he was looking for and tried flipping the manual switch to open it, but it was jammed after years of sand, wear, and tear. Reaching out with the Force, a flick of the hand was all it took to rip the door off. Inside the small containment area was his prize: a data disk.

“Really…. They have me out here looking for three decades old data?” mused Kell as he grabbed the disk and headed out of the ship.

Telaris "Mav" Cantor, 7 July, 2017 10:08 PM UTC

ground which produced a shock wave was sent out that threw the Jedi back against the engine cowling

Syntax makes this very confusing here!

Droveth's general and personality aspects are not really reflected well in either post. He does not feel like a unique participant in the combat here.

"You dirty little Jed-" The Obelisk growled as he recovered from the collision. The slight fogginess in his mind quickly cleared and he could feel the young Knight pulling on his leg, trying to grapple the Adept. He paused speaking and rolled to his left, turning face up and breaking the grab. Kell raised his leg and planted it firmly in Droveth's chin, willing his energy into the kick. His jawed buckled and a sickening crack echoed around the room.

Blood shot into the air as the young Knight flew a few meters and landed on his back. The world spun, the light was fading, and Droveth fought as hard as he could to remain conscious. He could sense his enemy was moving and barely pulled himself up to his knees. His shattered jaw hung loosely on his face, blood continuing to pour down his neck and chest.

Kell had abandoned his rifle on the floor for his blade, and was approaching the Jedi with it ignited. His face was dark and stern, different from earlier in the fight. Droveth could feel his energy rippling around him as he got closer, staring deep into the Knight's eyes.

"I gave you a chance, more than one, and you spit in my face." Kell spoke as he walked, raising his blade in his right hand. Droveth felt fear creeping in as Death neared. He pushed the thought from his mind and looked away, raising his right hand and forcing the light from his fingers. The Adept sliced in one quick motion and removed the hand at the wrist.

Droveth let out a howl as he fell back and raised his lightsaber out of instinct, igniting the blade in a defensive stance. His mind was clouded with pain and fear, and the Adept stood cowering over him like the Sith Lords of old. His vision was blurred, and he struggled to hold focus on his opponent. Kell brought his blade down hard onto Droveth's, forcing the Knight to slide backwards.

"I. Gave. You. A. Chance!" The Obelisk roared, punctuating each word with a strike. The Jedi had slid backward a few meters, leaving a trail of dark blood as he moved. Droveth knew his energy was gone, and any moment the fight would end, as would his life. In his mind he begged for another chance, knowing that offer would never come.

Kell swung from the right and was barely parried, but he reached out with his left hand and pulled Droveth's arm out wide. The Adept held the Jedi's arm steady and brought his blade down through his shoulder, severing the arm. He threw it to the side, pulling the hilt from the palm and clipping it to his belt.

Droveth could only look up at the Obelisk, but the life was already drained from him. Whether Kell struck a final blow or not, he would certainly die in this burnt out ship. He instead looked straight up, past the Adept, past the hull of the ship. Droveth looked up into the heavens and closed his eyes, feeling his spirit lift from his body.

Kell cleaved to the right and Droveth's head rolled to the floor, his body collapsing into a pile. The Adept slid to his knees, breathing deep labored breaths as he recovered from the fight. He clipped his hilt back onto his belt beside the Jedi's and restored his energy, all while staring at the corpse of his opponent.

"I gave you a chance."

The Obelisk stood and composed himself, walking over to retrieve his rifle. He swung the weapon onto his back and headed for the exit, forsaking the artifact he had hoped to find. He left the same way he had entered, a narrow access tunnel above the room. Kell turned and looked one more time at Droveth as he entered the mouth of the tunnel, let out a deep sigh, and left.

Telaris "Mav" Cantor, 7 July, 2017 10:22 PM UTC

In his mind he begged for another chance, knowing that offer would never come.

The introductory clause 'in his mind' could use a comma here.

Kell cleaved to the right and Droveth's head rolled to the floor, his body collapsing into a pile.

This is completely contrary to Kell's aspect.

He left the same way he had entered, a narrow access tunnel above the room.

It is unclear how the combatants got into a tunnel - the fight was outside when location was last described.