Seer Edgar Drachen vs. Mystic Levi Zetta

Seer Edgar Drachen

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Force Disciple, Seeker, Sentinel
vs.

Mystic Levi Zetta

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Kiffar, Force Disciple, Marauder
Comment

This was a short, simple match. What killed Levi the most was the complete lack of combat or action in both of his posts. The set up was good, and the writing itself was easy to follow and read, but there was very little to grasp on to in terms of combat. Edgar wrote a more direct approach with the combat, though was very surface level and not very engrossing. In the end, Edgar's better storycrafting gives him the edge.

-W

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Seer Edgar Drachen, Mystic Levi Zetta
Winner Seer Edgar Drachen
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Seer Edgar Drachen's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Mystic Levi Zetta's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Hoth: Ice Cave
Last Post 7 July, 2017 2:27 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Edgar Drachen Kylex Sanguris
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: First post was solid but your second had a few errors. Rationale: Some repeated errors but your second post was much better.
Story - 40%
Edgar Drachen Kylex Sanguris
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Straight forward story. It wasn't very exciting or engaging. Bare bones. Worked for me, but nothing that stood out. You need to work on showing the actions, not just telling about them. Rationale: There was very little to no combat in your posts. This hurts in a short match like this. You did do a good job of the dialogue between both characters though.
Realism - 25%
Edgar Drachen Kylex Sanguris
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing I noted. Rationale: Nothing I noted.
Continuity - 20%
Edgar Drachen Kylex Sanguris
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing I noted. Rationale: Nothing I noted.
Edgar Drachen's Score: 4.05 Kylex Sanguris's Score: 3.65
Posts

Hoth Ice Cave

On the fringes of the Outer Rim territories and famous for being the one-time location of the Rebel Alliance, Hoth is a frigid world marred with fissures created from the tidal pull of Hoth’s three moons. Blanketed in a frozen ocean, massive oceanic currents beneath the southern hemisphere are the cause of constant seismic activities that result in a constantly shifting landscape of tunnels and caves.

Buried into the side of a fissure reaching hundreds of meters into the core of the planet is a network of tunnels leading into a cave. Its sole entrance is suspended within the wall of the fissure, requiring one to rappel down the dangerous crevasse and into the tunnels; one small miscalculation could send explorers descending the rest of the unmeasured height deep within the planet’s core.

Hoth Ice Cave

Insulated under several hundred meters of ice in all directions, the cave is protected against the gale force winds and the intense snowstorms that sweep along the planet’s surface. As a result, the cave is warmer than most of Hoth’s unforgiving cold with melting icicles dangling precariously overhead. In turn, this allows for more life to grow in addition to being a promising habitat for the hulking wampas that have been trapped this far below the surface. Beginning to thaw, it is obvious that this cave will eventually fall victim to seismic activity and disappear into the sheets of ice that surround it. Illuminating the cave’s interior with a dull blue glow, the luminous forms of lichen have taken up residence among the bones of the creatures unfortunate enough to be trapped here.

Caution must be exercised if one is to navigate the slippery slopes of the cave as melted icicles drip onto the cavern’s floor surface. In one corner of the cave, the ocean water has accumulated to form a large pool, providing sustenance to the rare lumni-spice growing within the crystalline complex, never to see the blue-white sun.

Hoth

Southern Ice Shelf

“Are you sure about this?” came a voice, crackling over the com system on Mystic Levi Zetta’s wrist. The signal was weak, and the snow storm didn't help. The Jedi stared headlong into the dark cave before him, waiting for the connection to stabilise.

“If this informant has any info on Pravus, we could use it. Stop your worrying Tisto.” spat the Kiffar into the microphone. He’d had enough of his gang leader’s worrying for one day. “I know you mean well, but you’d be more helpful if you stay quiet and let me do my work.” he said, turning the transmitter off. It was time for the Jedi to move in. He unhooked the lightsaber from his belt, and walked into the cave.

It was dark, the smell of ice and decay filled the air, invading the nostrils of the Jedi. Slippery slopes surrounded the pathway, each leading deeper into the cave, and the horrors that await in those parts. It was the second time Levi had been to this cave, the first to prove his worth as a warrior. Now it was for information. The Kiffar searched through the Force, picking up on every living thing around him. The cave seemed too light up, the life force being much stronger than anticipated. Despite the overwhelming number of creatures, there was one thing hiding within the cave, Levi couldn't tell what it was, but he remained cautious.

The cave suddenly opened up into a large cavern, with blue white light coming through the roof. A wide lake spread on into the dark, being illuminated by the glowing lichen. It would have been a spectacle, save one thing. A figure, sitting silently by the lake. Levi’s hand shot to his saber, grasping the black metal tightly.

“Are you the informant?” he shouted, his voice echoing throughout the cave. The figure stood up, turning to the Kiffar.

“Informant? No, I'm just here to wrap up a loose end.” said the figure gruffly. Levi looked him up and down, quickly spotting the lightsabers worn on his waist. There was a silence between the two, each staring at the other in anticipation. The man reached for his weapons, igniting the yellow and red blades. “My name is Edgar Drachen.”

“If you are threatening me, you will regret it.” responded Levi, activating his own saber with a snap-hiss. The Kiffar dropped into an offensive stance, holding his lightsaber in front of himself. “My name is Levi. Prepare yourself, Edgar.”

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 8 July, 2017 5:44 AM UTC

Stop your worrying Tisto.”

worrying, Tiso," - using comma's in dialogue helps them sound more natural and less rushed. You typically take a breath before saying someones name.

“I know you mean well, but you’d be more helpful if you stay quiet and let me do my work.” he said, turning the transmitter off.

comma after work, not a period.

It was the second time Levi had been to this cave, the first to prove his worth as a warrior.

Slow down. Break up your sentences. In this case it would be "the first time had been to..." in order for it read right.

The cave seemed too light up,

To.

There is quite literally no combat in this post.

“Your name is of very little concern to me, Kiffar!” Edgar took a moment to size up this young Force user. For a long time now, Edgar suspected a member of his house was either selling — or worse yet, just giving away — clan secrets to enemy clans. It was through the pure stupidity of his subordinate that he was able to get the location of this meeting place. Edgar wasn’t sure what type of information was being transferred between Tisto and an outside clan, but as the commander of the Hoth Joint Task Force he was there to ensure that no one left this ice cave with the location of the Kiast system.

Still unarmed, Edgar was now clearly staring at the Kiffar’s blindfolded eyes. Edgar calmed himself and used the Force to feel the the young man’s mind. He felt the Jedi’s recognition and a uncomfortable feeling at having Edgar staring into his eyes. He then felt the confusion and concern for someone else. It was then Drachen realized that this young man was not truly blind, and was trying to focus on him while also scanning the cave for the person he was there to meet.

When Drachen drew and ignited his dual blades, illuminating his dark corner of the cave, Levi was able to slightly make out a form laying in the snow behind the Human. “Your treacherous feelings betray you, Kiffar, but as you can see, I already met your so-called informant. Alas, he refused to tell me everything he was going to give to you, but I did manage to get out of him that you would be meeting him here to exchange the coordinates to a very important location to Clan Odan-Urr. I am here to get that information from you one way or the other.”

Levi took a few moments and looked at his dead comrade. Levi cringed a little realizing that the informant a man he knew for a couple of years was no match for Edgar. Many of his bones were broken. He was able to feel the last few minutes of his friend's life were filled with pain, confusion and outright begging that he didn’t know where the Jedi were hiding.

“What did you do to him and who the hell are you?” Levi yelled at the slightly older Jedi before him, overcome with emotion.

“As I said before, I’m Edgar Drachen, the Commander of the Hoth Joint Task Force, tasked with protecting Clan Odan-Urr at any cost.”

“By brutally murdering a innocent messenger?” Levi choked as he spoke.

Quickly glancing back at the body, he returned his gaze back to the cloth covering the Kiffar's face. “Why, of course. Now if you don’t want to share his fate, I’d suggest you tell me everything you know.”

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 8 July, 2017 5:48 AM UTC

He was able to feel the last few minutes of his friend's life were filled with pain,

that the last few*

Levi’s mind bubbled, tossing and turning at what the Jedi before him could be alluding to. Clan Odan-Urr. That was the key to this engagement. The Kiffar took in a deep breath, subduing his flaring emotions. He moved his left hand from his lightsaber, grabbing one of the cords flapping from his blindfold. With a yank, the golden cloth fell to the ground, finding its bed in the snow. Levi’s dark green eyes stared at Edgar. Their eyes met, causing the Kiffar to wince, but he held the gaze of his opponent.

“This has to do with Tisto, doesn't it?” said Levi, keeping his lightsaber raised.

“How very perceptive of you! Yes, this does have to do with your friend Tisto. It is believed that he is feeding enemy clans the location of our home system!” shouted Edgar. “That's why you wanted to find where Pravus is, so you could tell him. For that reason you must not be allowed to live!” Drachen felt the Force swell within his leg muscles, using that power to send himself flying at his opponent. The Sentinel brought his right saber down at Levi, following up with his left.

“You’re mad!” spat the Kiffar, sidestepping the first strike before catching the second with his own saber. “I want Pravus dead in a ditch! Tisto hasn't said anything about your home system, and frankly I don't care!”

“Your attempt at lying is feeble, your clan is a remnant of the Empire, they conspire with Pravus.” retorted Edgar, narrowly avoiding a side jab from Levi’s yellow blade. The Marauder dropped low, kicking off from the ground with another wide swipe. Edgar danced out of the way, avoiding injury, engaging the Kiffar in a blade lock.

“Pravus was the one who destroyed our system! He sent the Iron Navy in and glassed every planet! Millions perished. Do you understand now?!” yelled Levi. Edgar paused, loosening his grip on the lock. He looked the Kiffar in the eye, and stepped back, deactivating his sabers. Levi switched his lightsaber off, hooking it back on his belt, before kneeling in the snow before Edgar. He reached out with the Force, recalling his blindfold to him.

“Tisto is a loyal member of your clan. He has done nothing to divulge your secrets.” said the Kiffar sternly. “Leave now. I must send my comrade off properly.” Edgar looked at him, slowly nodding before turning to leave.

“A war is coming. Know your allies before you accidentally engage them.” uttered Levi. “You’ll need them.”

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 8 July, 2017 5:50 AM UTC

So, there was a bit of combat, but not much else.

“Wait … what?” stammered the young Kiffar, “I was assured. We had the full backing of Odan-Urr and would be allowed safe passage to our headquarters on Kiast.”

Kiast! I knew it! He knows where we are. I can’t let him leave this cave alive, Edgar thought to himself. Then sighing loudly, “So, you do in fact have information on where my Clan resides.”

Levi’s confusion over the situation began to change as he was able to read the Human's emotions. The Kiffar felt Drachen resigning himself to having to kill him. It was then that the Mystic Zetta ignited his own amber saber and let his rage take hold.

The young Mystic had enough. “I know nothing about where Odann-Urr’s bases are and I was only sent here to obtain information about our mutual enemy, the Dark Lord himself. Pravus.”

“I’ve grown tired of your lies Kiffar. I am sworn to protect my Clan at all costs. You will tell me all you know before you die!”

After taking a second to fill his muscles with the Force, Edgar rushed the blindfolded young Kiffar. As the opponents did their deadly dance, it was clear that Levi was relying heavily on his training to keep his enemy at bay.

Drachen’s attacks were strong and powerful and pushing Levi’s defenses to their limits.. But, after being backed into a much larger chamber in the cave, the Kiffar was able to create the space between them he needed. Focusing the Force to enhance his own strength as well as trying to muddle his opponent's mind.

The Human Jedi felt the Kiffar trying to enter his mind, focused on fighting the mental invasion, Levi counterattacked with such speed that it took Edgar off guard and forced him to go on the defensive.

It took a few seconds, but once his mind was cleared he was able to force a saber lock on his opponent. Admiring his adversary for a second, he considered keeping him alive. Then images of New Tython burning with friends, comrades and countless innocent people being slaughtered entered his mind. It solidified his resolve and brought with it a deep rage that carried the darkness with it.

Edgar shifted his weight, lifting his right leg up and, with all the might and strength he could summon, slammed his foot against the Kiffar’s knee. The knee completely collapased in a sicking pop of tendons and bone.

As Levi fell, Drachen broke the saber lock by cutting off his right arm just below the elbow. His severed limb hit the ground as Levi’s saber deactivated. Reaching out with the Force, Edgar picked up and threw the Kiffar’s saber as far as he could into the dark tunnel in which they came.

As the Mystic lay on the frozen ground, Drachen reached down and ripped the blindfold off the young man’s face, instantly blinding him as his eyes were not accustomed to the light of the chamber.

He waited for the Kiffar to calm down a bit before he resumed questioning him, “It’s over. Tell me what you know about Kiast.”

The young man, still in excruciating pain, struggled to focus on the Jedi before him as the Hoth Commander placed his crimson blade to his throat and calmly said, “You say you don’t know where we are but yet you know about Kiast. I won’t have any more lies from you! Tell me, HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT KIAST!”

Edgar, not giving Levi a second to think, lightly touched the tip of his saber to the Kiffar’s sternum and slowly dragged it down his chest. Levi twitched and, as the saber stabbed him, screeched loud enough for the cave to echo.

“It was Tisto!” the Kiffar half screamed and half choked the words out of his mouth.

“Go on!” ordered Drachen.

“Tisto sent me here to meet the informant and then he would arrange transport to Kiast, I swear he didn’t give me to coordinates and only said he will have a ship waiting for us. He made me swear my loyalty to him and never to reveal anything I knew about the Void Snakes. I swear to you I don’t know where Kiast is!”

Satisfied that the Kiffar was finally telling him the truth, Edgar plunged his saber into Levi’s heart, killing him instantly.

“Now I have to go deal with Tisto.”

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 8 July, 2017 5:55 AM UTC

As the opponents did their deadly dance, it was clear that Levi was relying heavily on his training to keep his enemy at bay.

Show don't tell. You're telling me about these attacks, and showing me very little.

Drachen’s attacks were strong and powerful and pushing Levi’s defenses to their limits..

Ellipses is three dots, or this is just a typo. One or the other.

Focusing the Force to enhance his own strength as well as trying to muddle his opponent's mind.

Sentence fragment.

The Human Jedi felt the Kiffar trying to enter his mind, focused on fighting the mental invasion, Levi counterattacked with such speed that it took Edgar off guard and forced him to go on the defensive.

Break your action up into separate sentences. It reads better.