Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi vs. Battlemaster Armad

Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Marauder
vs.

Battlemaster Armad

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Umbaran, Sith, Techweaver, Krath
Comment

Hey guys! Thanks for taking the time to see your match through to the end.

You both showed a good command of English, but seemed satisfied with the bare minimum rather than really pushing to create an interesting conflict between these two individuals. The biggest issues were born from Realism, in very different ways. For Armad, you should try to be more aware of the particulars of the skills/forms at play. This was minor but it still hurt. Droveth, you should take your time to familiarize yourself with the skill rankings and what sort of damage a human body can take.

You both have the structure to build on and create something much greater. I really hope to see it.

The winner of this match is Armad.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi, Battlemaster Armad
Winner Battlemaster Armad
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Droveth Kathera Vectivi's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Armad's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dromund Kaas: Dark Temple Ruins
Last Post 5 July, 2017 3:54 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Lieutenant Colonel Narman Losa Armad
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Only a few errors in what was presented. Rationale: Only a few errors, but they became repeated small cuts in your final post.
Story - 40%
Lieutenant Colonel Narman Losa Armad
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: Your posts managed a full story arc, but it is superficial at best. There is no hook and the venue seems like an afterthought. The traits of the characters aren't really displayed, either. This could have been any two characters in any venue. Rationale: You seemed satisfied with what your opponent presented and didn't generate anything new before your final post. This is what saved you from a lower score. You incorporated the distinct differences in their saber forms as well as brought the space around them into play.
Realism - 25%
Lieutenant Colonel Narman Losa Armad
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Major realism issues with your final post. Rationale: Minor realism issues in both posts.
Continuity - 20%
Lieutenant Colonel Narman Losa Armad
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None that were noted. Rationale: None that were noted.
Lieutenant Colonel Narman Losa's Score: 3.15 Armad's Score: 3.65
Posts

Dromund Kaas Dark Temple Ruins

Abandoned and forgotten, the ruins of the Dark Temple have slowly succumbed to the erosion of time. In the central chamber—the walls have crumbled, the ceiling has caved in, and the jungle now flourishes within the once pristine halls.

Green light filters itself through the temple, mixing eerily with the dark, violet hue of Dromund Kaas’ sky. Lightning flickers overhead, the raw energy of the Force clashing high above. The floor is overgrown with flora, large plants and grasses that have swallowed the old stone. Wild creatures roam freely, skittering away from the presence of intruders while vicious predators hide just out of sight.

The main hall is lined on both sides by towering statues, heads bowed in supplication. They stand in deference to the sculpture of a pure-blooded Sith, which towers over the chamber with outstretched arms. The sculpture has been split diagonally down the middle, as if cleaved in two by a rusted blade, but the majesty in the stone still echoes to the past.

On either side of the main hall, remnants of branches to inaccessible parts of the temple remain. One might tilt their head to take in what is left of the mezzanine—the balcony overlooking the chamber—still held aloft by the great pillars standing behind the statues. Several of the pillars have fallen, providing a pathway up to the mezzanine for those willing to take the risk for higher ground. Spirits of the Sith are rumoured to still haunt the grounds—waiting for poor, misguided fools to walk blindly into their domain.

Droveth tread carefully between the dilapidated archway before him, pulling the curtails of his robe up above his ankles. Lightning crackled in the sky, temporarily illuminating the ruins with a violet glow. The young Jedi used this light to find his way, not wanting to alert his target of his location. The coordinates he intercepted through his Inquisitor comlink had led him directly to a Sith temple pulsating with the Force.

As Droveth crossed a small stone bridge he could see a faint light at the end, leading down a staircase into an illuminated room. He crept closer, peering over the edge of the stairs. Just as the base of a holoprojector came into view, the image was extinguished and a blaster bolt flew towards him. The Knight rolled away at the last second and the shot tore through his robes.

The Jedi threw his robes down and rapidly fired two shots into the darkness. One sailed down a seemingly endless chamber, but the other was deflected by the ignition of a crimson lightsaber. Droveth could only see dark black robes in the dim light of the blade.

"I do not know how you found me, Jedi, but it will be the end for you." A deep male voice called out from within the room. Droveth reached down and grabbed his hilt, igniting his blade as well.

"After I defeat you, I will tell you how." The Knight called out, raising his lightsaber and motioning for the enemy to reveal himself. He felt a rush of air past his scalp and turned just in time to see the outline of a probe droid to his left, black silhouette flying straight at him. He dodged to the right and swung at the droid, but it bobbed away into the dark. He turned and looked towards the staircase, and saw the robed Sith ascending.

Darth Renatus, 5 July, 2017 10:50 PM UTC

Syntax

but it will be the end for you." A deep male voice called out from within the room.

This is the same structure as "he said, she said" and should be joined together as a single sentence. That means a comma in the dialogue and no capital for "a deep male". You do this again with "the Knight called out".


Story

All I can really say is that this reads as very clipped. There isn't anything in way of an actual mistake, but there is no real hook present within the writing.

Armad stalked up the staircase toward the Jedi, crimson lightsaber still ignited and held defensively waiting for an attack. The Sith watched as the Jedi turned his right palm towards him. Armad had begun to wonder what the Jedi was up to when a very bright light illuminated the top of the staircase. The Umbaran was instantly blinded, which caused him stagger down a couple of steps. Having to keep his eyes shut, Armad had to open himself fully to the Force and rely on it and his other senses to know where is opponent was located. Denied, his personal seeker droid, must have noticed the bright light and knew that his Master didn't fare so well against things like that. Armad could feel that his droid was darting around the Jedi, poking and shocking him to keep him from attacking.

Armad used the momentary distraction to build up the Force in his left hand, and let loose a blast of Force energy in the direction of the Jedi. Not really expecting it to actually connect with his opponent, but more as a way to keep the Jedi at bay until his eyesight returned. Still trying to blink away the bright light, Armad raised his lightsaber up and pointed it in the direction of the Jedi, or where he thought and hoped the Jedi was.

Armad heard the electronic warble that his droid makes when he is attacked and can’t do anything else to aid in the fight. Armad heaved a vexing sigh, and announced to the Jedi. “You WILL tell me how you found me and anything else you’ve learned so far.” He still couldn’t fully see, Armad could only look in the general direction of the Jedi, but things were starting to darken a bit. Maybe he’d get his eyesight back before the Jedi attacked.

Darth Renatus, 5 July, 2017 10:56 PM UTC

Syntax

Not really expecting it to actually connect with his opponent, but more as a way to keep the Jedi at bay until his eyesight returned.

The flow here is off. The "not really [...]" half implies a continuation of something, but it isn't flowing from the last sentence. It should be restructured to come after the latter half.


Story

The Umbaran was instantly blinded, which caused him stagger down a couple of steps.

Good play on the weakness of your race.


Realism

Armad could feel that his droid was darting around the Jedi, poking and shocking him to keep him from attacking.

No matter your Sense, you wouldn't be able to pinpoint the droid. It has no life force or Force Signature to pick up on. It's why Jedi had so many issues with droid assassins. You could feel a threat coming, via Precog, but not sense the droid.

A blast collided with Droveth's shoulder and the force whipped him around in a circle. He shook off the attack and raised his blade. The Battlemaster stood crouched at the bottom of the stairs, still holding his hand to his eyes. The Jedi seized his opportunity and lunged with his lightsaber held high, swinging down on the incapacitated opponent.

Armad lifted his head at the last second and lightning crackled off his fingertips, catching the Jedi midair and pushing him into the small room at the bottom. Droveth rolled over to his back and flipped onto his feet, spinning his blade behind his back. The Sith raised his defensively.

"I tracked you here through the Inquistorius, and I am going to kill you." Droveth growled at his opponent. Armad turned his head to the side and his lips formed a grin. He shifted his sleeve and a small stiletto dropped into his free hand.

"Well come and get it then, Jedi." Droveth roared and raised his lightsaber up high, willing his body to cover the distance and strike his opponent with speed. The two blades crashed together as the Sith parried the blow, but the Jedi spun around and attacked from the opposite side. Armad slid backwards slightly as he shifted to defend the strike, but Droveth reversed again.

The Battlemaster could only defend as the Knight's attacks as his speed intensified. Droveth could feel himself gaining the upper hand as Armad was forced back into a corner. The Sith pressed the switch on the stiletto and dodged right, narrowly avoiding a strike. As the Jedi was turned, Armad jammed the blade up through his armpit and into his shoulder.

Droveth roared and whipped his lightsaber around to the right, slicing clean through the Battlemaster's neck. The torso collapsed to the floor and his head rolled away into the darkness. The Jedi dropped to his knees, pushing away the Sith's body. He grimaced as he ripped the stiletto from his arm, tossing it onto Armad's corpse. The Knight flipped him over and reached into his backpack, retrieving the holoprojector and clipping it to his belt. He ascended the stairs and crossed through the swamp, headed back for his ship.

Darth Renatus, 5 July, 2017 11:05 PM UTC

Syntax

"Well come and get it then, Jedi." Droveth roared and raised his lightsaber up high

Structurally, this reads like Droveth is talking. The reference to "Jedi" tells me it's actually Armad. You should maintain separation of one character's dialogue from another's actions.

only defend as the Knight's attacks as his speed intensified

"as" then "as" here is incorrect. The first should be "against".


Realism

Armad lifted his head at the last second and lightning crackled off his fingertips, catching the Jedi midair and pushing him into the small room at the bottom. Droveth rolled over to his back and flipped onto his feet, spinning his blade behind his back.

So, one thing that is consistent with Force Lightning no matter what tier is that it hurts. A lot. You write Droveth taking a direct hit and then just hopping to his feet. No repercussions whatsoever of this direct hit with lightning.

Droveth could feel himself gaining the upper hand as Armad was forced back into a corner.

Armad is more skilled in his chosen saber form than Droveth is in his, and has higher Athletics as well. The ease with which he is driven into a corner and then Droveth deals the killing blow is severely unrealistic.

“I don't have to tell you anything, Sith!” The Jedi deadpanned. Armad could feel his opponent’s feelings of superiority and wondered if he knew that he was temporarily blinded. Not wanting to give the Jedi any advantage over him, Armad decided to try and stall as best he could.

“So what was the plan? Were you to randomly check known Sith places of power?” Armad stated, gesturing at the ruins around them. “But I imagine that you were instructed to recon those areas and report back if you found anything.” Armad kept his focus on the Jedi, hoping to discern what the Jedi’s motives were and if he was alone or not. All Armad could feel from the Jedi was smug satisfaction, which lead him to believe that he was right about his assumptions. “So now you are thinking you can make a name for yourself by taking out or capturing a Sith.” Armad said after a moment’s pause. “But instead you are going to end up coming with me and answering some questions that my superiors will most likely have.” By the time that Armad had finished his eyesight had cleared and he was able to see where the Jedi was at.

“Well, I don’t see that happening today.” The Jedi retorted, spreading his arms to take in the top of the staircase that he was standing upon. “I have the high ground Sith, the advantage goes to me.” The Jedi brought his lightsaber back in front of him and raised it in a salute. As he brought his lightsaber back down and the his side, he rushed forward and jumped off the top step of the staircase coming down with an overhead strike.

Armad had a moment's notice that the attack was coming, and he still barely got his own lightsaber up in a block to deflect the first strike. Armad pivoted away to his right, using the force of the blow to push him back further away from the Jedi. The Jedi landed with his back slightly toward Armad, but immediately took a step towards the staircase wall, leaped up and jumping off the wall and tried a slashing attack at his head. Easily parried the slash, Armad quickly riposted, thrusting out at one of the Jedi’s legs trying to incapacitate him. The Jedi deflected the thrust and spun backward to his left swinging his lightsaber in a backhanded attack. The Jedi’s spin took him up a couple of steps, which caused his attack to be too high over Armad’s head. Armad was going to take this opportunity to step forward and try a quick thrust again, but was instead met with a very strong boot to his chest that sent him falling backwards down the stairs to the platform below.

While he was falling backward Armad felt anger at not having anticipated the kick, he thrust out his left arm, launching his fibercord whip at the Jedi. As it was wrapping itself around the Jedi, trapping his arms to his side, the cord reached its full length, pulled tight the cord jerked the Jedi forward. When Armad felt the cord pull on his arm, he pulled back as hard as he could, pulling the Jedi after him. Armad hit the landing hard, but had managed to break his fall with his hands. The Jedi wasn’t as lucky, he managed to turn himself in mid-air enough to land on his back, knocking the wind out of himself.

Pushing himself to his feet, Armad walked over to the Jedi laying on the ground, nudging him with the toe of his boot to make sure he was still alive. Seeing him still breathing, Armad heaved a sigh and called his lightsaber back to his hand after having dropped it when he fell. Clipping it back onto his belt, Armad was about to kneel down and relieve the unconscious Jedi’s of his weapons when he started to stir as if coming to. Armad pulled his blaster, flicked it to stun and fired a shot in the Jedi.

“Now stay down while I figure out how I’m going to get you back to my shuttle.” Armad complained at his opponent.

Darth Renatus, 5 July, 2017 11:16 PM UTC

Syntax

a Sith.” Armad said after a moment’s pause

today.” The Jedi retorted,

Same clause in these examples, so should be connected with a comma in the dialogue.

and the his side

Should be "to his side".

leaped up and jumping off the wall and tried a slashing attack at his head

Tense dancing between past and present.

Easily parried the slash, Armad quickly riposted

This shouldn't open a sentence. Flip these around and modify the structure slightly.

While he was falling backward Armad felt anger [...] to land on his back, knocking the wind out of himself.

This entire sentence is full of run-on sentences.


Story

“I have the high ground Sith, the advantage goes to me.”

How you doin' today, Obi-wan? The occasional reference is always good, but don't lean on them too heavily. They can get distracting.

As a general statement, you never once mention the name of your opponent. Just because you don't know it in-character, doesn't mean the narrator's voice wouldn't use it. Not only does it make it easier to identify who is doing what, it also keeps things interesting. Can only read "the Jedi" so many times before monotony sets in.


Realism

The Jedi brought his lightsaber back in front of him and raised it in a salute.

Very minor hit, but Droveth uses Ataru. Makashi is the form known for salutes at the beginning of a fight. There aren't any associated with this form.