Battlemaster Rrogon Skar Agrona vs. Battlelord Raiju Kang

Battlemaster Rrogon Skar Agrona

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Kaleesh, Sith, Juggernaut, Obelisk
vs.

Battlelord Raiju Kang

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Nautolan, Sith, Marauder
Comment

Thank you both for participating and seeing this match through to completion.

You both seem to know your own characters well, which is certainly good. One would hope so, even. Still, it's not always the easiest thing to write that idea in each of our heads and have it take a shape that is fully fleshed out. Unfortunately for you both, it seems the opponent's character didn't get the same treatment. I left detailed notes in the comments of each post, so hopefully those will help you see areas to improve. More or less, it was a missed opportunity to control the pacing and flesh out these characters to create something interesting with personality.

With the scores tallied, Rrogan Skar Agrona is the winner.

Good luck to you both in the future.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Rrogon Skar Agrona, Battlelord Raiju Kang
Winner Battlemaster Rrogon Skar Agrona
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Rrogon Skar Agrona's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlelord Raiju Kang's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ahch-To: Ancient Islands
Last Post 8 July, 2017 10:05 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Watchman Lontra Boglach Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Several issues noted. The repeated misuse of semicolons in your second post contributed heavily. Rationale: Only a few issues noted.
Story - 40%
Watchman Lontra Boglach Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: The pacing of your first post really hampered things for you. You brought things up in the final post, but it was still superficial in regards to your opponent's character. Rationale: While you had a full structure with a beginning, middle, and end, you had a very one-sided final post. It was this, coupled with the pacing in your first post, that brought your score down.
Realism - 25%
Watchman Lontra Boglach Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Some missteps in your final post. Refer to the comments. Rationale: Some missteps in your final post. Refer to the comments.
Continuity - 20%
Watchman Lontra Boglach Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None that were noted. Rationale: None that were noted.
Watchman Lontra Boglach's Score: 3.65 Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona's Score: 3.8
Posts

header

The ocean world of Ahch-To looks to be nothing but blue seas from the distance of space. Dotting the oceans, however, are chains of rocky island that jut upwards to form shallow, sloping mountain ranges with small, flattened plateaus. Rich green trees and other small flora grow along the sedimentary stone, untouched by anything more than small avian creatures looking for a place to nest.Carved into the stones of the various Island’s are sets of winding, ascending and man made pathways.

The crisp, clean, air that wisps off the water planet help cool and maintain a fairly even tropical temperature during the day, with a healthy chill at sunset. Storms have been reported to flare up from time to time, leaving only the highest points of the islands safe from a rising tide.

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The Islands themselves remain a mystery to this day. The oceans themselves are still uncharted and unexplored. No one knows how the stairs, statutes, and other sporadic architecture came to be on the Islands. It was rumored, however, that they were indeed the home of first Jedi Temple back when the ancient order was first formed.

Skar was never one for accepting a mission with little to no information on his target. Yet, all he had been given was a planet and the name Raiju Kang. This displeased the Sith to no end, but his talents for hunting targets was well known to the Inquisitorius, and they used him to his fullest abilities.

The descent to the Ahch-To was mostly uneventful other than the Kaleesh having to skirt a large storm making its way across the ocean's surface. Churning lightning and winds would have torn his ship apart if he had flown into it.

He had no time for such environmental distractions to sidetrack him from his mission. He had come this far and his masters would not take kindly to failure at this stage of the coming war. No, he would complete this and be back in a day's time or less if this if his target proved to be not much of a fight.

And yet you still think the Inquisitors will let you live after the war is done, boy, hissed a voice in the back of the Juggernaut’s mind as the ethereal form of his mental tormentor appeared next to him.

“If they turn on me then, I’ll fight and kill anyone who tries to stop me from leaving. It’s as simple as that,” replied the Kaleesh as he scanned the islands below him for any ships or sings to life. And just as the smoky figment began to reply, the Battlemaster saw a ship on one of the larger islands. Wheeling his ship around, the Sith charged up the turbolasers on his craft and opened fire on the vessel, scoring several hits before soaring over it.

Coming around for a second pass, the Sith’s eyes saw the large trail of black smoke rising from his target’s ship. Nodding to himself, he brought his own ship in for a landing on the opposite side of the island.

Landing with a shudder when the freighter settled on the rocky surface of the land mass, the Kaleesh quickly unstrapped himself from the pilot’s chair and rushed down the landing ramp. He leapt onto the island, igniting his lightsaber while his crimson eyes scanned his surroundings for any movement.

The island itself was not much to look at; rocky outcroppings and the occasional tree presented the possibility for ambushes, but the Sith knew that his target would not show himself so soon as he had hoped. A hunt was no fun if the prey was far too eager to fight. No, he wanted to draw this out for a little while longer so he could have his fun.

Looking around once more, the Kaleesh saw stone steps leading up the side of the small mountain that peaked the top of the island itself. His smile faded as he slowly made his way over to the first step before reaching into his side pocket and pulling out his Inquisitorius scanner. He began to scan for lifeforms, frowning when nothing came up. Karking target must have a jammer with him unless he died already, thought the Juggernaut before making his way up the steps.

No less than three steps up did an icy chill curl down the Sith’s spine before he jumped back, using the Force to augment his leap. A spray of blue blaster bolts slammed into the ground where he had been standing seconds before, the unseen gunman quickly shifting his aim to compensate.

Bringing his lightsaber to bear, the Juggernaut blocked bolt after bolt with quick, efficient swipes, but he couldn't stop them all and pain flared in his left leg and again in his lower thigh, slowing his movements as the agony was like fire across his skin and in his flesh.

This only brought a smile to his face as he thrust his clawed hands out in a show of power before the Force flowed through him, forming a barrier in the way of the oncoming blaster bolts, stopping them dead in their track as they slammed harmlessly into it.

This is what I live for, to fight and struggle. I wonder what else my prey has up their sleeves, thought the Kaleesh as a figure came into view. It was a green skinned-humanoid who stepped out from behind a rock and took a step forward, revealing himself.

A Nautolan? Oh, this will be fun.

Darth Renatus, 9 July, 2017 10:51 PM UTC

Syntax

sings to life

Should be "signs of life".

A hunt was no fun if the prey was far too eager to fight. No, he wanted to draw this out for a little while longer so he could have his fun.

Unneeded repetition of "fun" that doesn't enhance the story.


Story

The pacing for this post was off for a 2+2 with a 750 word cap limitation. You are trying to write an interesting battle from start to finish, knowing the "middle" before the conclusion can only be a maximum of 750 words. That is where pacing comes in. Only about a quarter, if that, of your post is actual conflict between the characters. We also know nothing about your opponent other than the fact he's Nautolan and has a blaster. A missed opportunity to strengthen your score.

I also found the ghostly tormentor to be really jarring. Something like that should really be part of your Character Sheet in the form of an Aspect. It's an integral aspect of the character.

What the kark brought this on? Was the first thought that popped into the Battlelord’s mind as he finally got a good look on his attacker. As no one should know the Nautolan had came here, and then to just outwardly assault his property and person; it left so many questions unanswered for Raiju Kang.

If this isn't a case of stranger danger, I don't know what is...

“Okay, okay, okay!” The Nautolan quickly stated as he rounded the rocks he'd been using as cover. While he still held his Bryar Pistols at the ready, he held the weapons in front of himself and pointed towards the sky. “Why don't we pump the brakes here and see if we can't talk this out.”

As the pair stood at either sides of the opening of the ridge, no response came from the Kaleesh.

“Now I know you Kaleesh fellas love a good fight, but let’s not do anything stupid. We don't want to be the spark to ignite the powder keg between the clans.” Raiju Kang took a deep breath and gestured to his smoking ship with one of the pistols. “I may be inclined to forgive you for the mess you made to my ship if you just give me some answers.”

Again, the helmeted freak remained silent. Through gritted teeth, Raiju continue.

“Is this because of the Mon Cal affair? Because I was going to pay Dexter back for all the trouble…”

Nothing.

“Was it Aeterus that sent you?”

Nothing

“Are you capable of speech or is that helmet a little too tight?”

When the Kaleesh started to advance, a series of short burst rang from Raiju’s pistols and tore up the ground in front of the silent freak. Yet, the intruder failed to stop in the face of the threat. Firing again, Raiju began to trot backwards to keep distance between the combatants.

“You're a karking lunatic.” Raiju hissed between discharges of his Bryars. As the Kaleesh continued to advance, Raiju’s aim quickly shifted from the ground to the freak and in turn the Kaleesh’s advance turned into a charge. With the shift in battle, the Nautolan knew he needed to send a heavier message. Quickly holstering his pistols, the Nautolan changed directions and lept towards the Kaleesh. Closing his hands together, the Nautolan focused on sending a great source of energy through his fists as they slammed into the ground, just in front of the Kaleesh. Relieve washed over the Nautolan as he felt the energy leave his hands and ripple towards the assassin, driving him back onto the ground.

Darth Renatus, 9 July, 2017 11:04 PM UTC

Syntax

What the kark brought this on? Was the first thought that

This should be italics for the mental dialogue, or put it in quotes based on the way you referenced it.

If this isn't a case of stranger danger, I don't know what is...

Should be italics. Definitely first person mental dialogue.

“Okay, okay, okay!” The Nautolan quickly stated

This is the same as "the Nautolan said" so, like with that, the dialogue and the narrative are linked. You wouldn't have a capital since it is the same sentence.

karking lunatic.” Raiju hissed between

Same thing as the previous error.

Relieve washed over the Nautolan

Should be "relief".


Story

Just as your character halted the fight, so too did the pacing come to a grinding halt. This is the second post in the match. As there are technically only three in the actual narrative side of things, this should be heavy on the action. This is the meat of the fight sandwich. Instead, you halt everything and go dialogue heavy (well, for one character at least) and ended up with only a paragraph and a smidgen of actual action. Other than that, this was a static narrative.

Grimacing in pain, the Sith slowly pulled himself from the ground as the sound of thunder rang out overhead, its crackling sound washing off the Juggernaut. Standing to his full height, the Sith glared at the Nautolan.

“Paltry tricks you have, and yet not unfounded in some form of logic,” hissed the Kaleesh as he ignited his lightsaber once more, its humming blade almost inaudible over the thunder above.

“But they won't save you from my blade, scum!” roared the Juggernaut as he charged forward at his target, letting the Force flow into his limbs like fire. Leaping into the air once more, saber in hand, he sought to cleave the alien before him in two.

The Battlelord stepped back in surprise before bringing his blasters to bear, unleashing a torrent of plasma at the Kaleesh. The bolts were deflected and blocked; at least those few that found their intended target.

But the sith was moving too fast for him to compensate his shots and before he knew it, he had to jump back himself to keep his hide from being cut in half. Letting a string of curses spew from his mouth, Rauji holstered his blasters and pulled the lightsabers from his belt. Igniting them both, their green and red blades sprang to life in the marauder’s hands before he had to bring them to bear. The Kaleesh rushed in for another attack, his speed making him a blur in the darkening light.

As the two Siths’ lightsabers clashed for the first time, lightning struck the mountain behind them, making the ground tremble. Rain began to fall in a torrential downpour around them, making the sabers hiss and pop as water hit the glowing plasma.

“You thought you could come here and escape the Inquisitorius? You were a fool to think so, whelp,” spoke the Kaleesh as he pressed his attack, his azure blade weaving a deadly net of plasma.

While Raiju could keep up in skill with his lightsabers, his speed and strength were not enough to stave off the Juggernaut’s strikes and with each one he stumbled back. He tried to take the Kaleesh’s feet out from under him to no avail. For minutes they fought like this, but to them it seemed like hours.

Back and forth the two went, each trying to gain the killing blow, but neither finding their mark. In a fit of rage, the Nautolan flung out both of his hands and unleashed a wave of telekinetic force right into the Kaleesh’s chest.

But the Sith stood his ground and took the attack head on, his feet planted like a tree weathering a storm and when the force hit him he did not move an inch. Smiling from under his mask, the Juggernaut waved his clawed finger at the Marauder.

“Now, now, that's not going to work twice on me, my prey,” chided the larger man as he looked down at the soon-to-be dead man before him who was panting heavily in the rain, but a grin crossed Raiju’s face.

“Then try this on for size,” throwing his hands out again, unleashing Force lightning from his hands that slammed into the Juggernaut. Skar fell to one knee in pain before he willed his barrier to life once more

The two stood there with their Force abilities straining each combatant to the limit, but it was Rajiu who gave out first in his already weakened state, collapsing to the ground in a panting heap.

“I was hoping for more of a show but I guess that's all you got in you, how pathetic,” snarled the Kaleesh before reaching out into the alien's mind and willing him to kneel before him. The Marauder tried to resist the Juggernaut before him, but found he could not. His trembling hand slowly reached into his own pocket and pulled out the thermal detonator.

Slowly turning around and walking back to his ship to get a safe distance away from the explosion, the Sith turned around one last time to watch the show.

“Goodbye, my pitiful target,” hissed the Kaleesh as he watched Rajiu try and resist the urge to do what the Kaleesh was forcing him to do, but with another force from the Sith he thumbed the trigger and a few seconds later Rrogon watched the detonator go off in a brilliant explosion of fire and dirt, leaving nothing but a smoking crater.

Darth Renatus, 9 July, 2017 11:24 PM UTC

Syntax

its crackling sound washing off the Juggernaut. Standing to his full height,

This is really strange word choice. First, you used a liquid action to describe a sound, then you use "standing to" instead of "rising to".

But the sith was moving

Should be a capital on "Sith".

As the two Siths’

Like "Jedi", "Sith" is both plural and singular. You'd use it as "Sith's" here.


Story

This wasn't the most interesting of final posts. You never added anything to the story and you glossed over Raiju's character significantly. This was all Skar, all the time. There was never any back and forth and it had no risks. That pretty much runs into the "the end result is obvious" part of the rubric. I would have liked to see more. Neither of you are pushovers, sheet-wise, and that should be reflected in the story. Also, I could have swapped Raiju out with just about anyone for this pust and nothing would change. That's how you know you missed portraying him.


Realism

So, there is an Aspect that comes into play here for Raiju. It's "Let's Make A Deal...". Usually you can get away with glossing over Aspects as long as you don't outright contradict that. This is a case of contradiction. You barely have Raiju saying anything, as he is firmly committed to this fight. However, he should be spinning his tongue trying to work out a deal or some sneaky methods at least at one point. It's his go to for ensuring he lives to see another day.

Kaleesh before reaching out into the alien's mind and willing him to kneel before him. The Marauder tried to resist the Juggernaut before him, but found he could not. His trembling hand slowly reached into his own pocket and pulled out the thermal detonator.

Slowly turning around and walking back to his ship to get a safe distance away from the explosion, the Sith turned around one last time to watch the show.

“Goodbye, my pitiful target,” hissed the Kaleesh as he watched Rajiu try and resist the urge to do what the Kaleesh was forcing him to do, but with another force from the Sith he thumbed the trigger and a few seconds later Rrogon watched the detonator go off in a brilliant explosion of fire and dirt, leaving nothing but a smoking crater.

Here's the thing with Mind Trick, and especially Dominate Mind. First, you need a focusing gesture no matter the rank. Second, you can't move while doing it. You are utterly devoted to the task of controlling your target. Then we have the fact that you actually made him blow himself up. He has +2 Resolve. That's not exactly weak willed. He isn't a run of the mill Stormtrooper. This just stretches realism too far.


General Comment

green and red blades sprang to life

The only thing that saved you from a Realism error on this is that only one of Raiju's lightsabers as a cosmetic aspect. As such, you don't know what color the second blade is, but according to his dossier image, they should be orange and red. Not emerald.

Relief was short.

The force of Raiju’s attack was enough to ripple through the sulfate ground, causing minor crumbling from the walls as it resonated out, yet the Kaleesh took the hit in stride; rolling over his shoulder upon hitting the ground and quickly regained composure. Yet it allowed Raiju the time to holster his Bryars and rearm himself. Leaping from either side of the Nautolan’s hips, the Battlelord’s lightsabers came to his beckon and landed within each palm to a tightened grip. Orange and crimson immediately cast over the Nautolan and the ground surrounding him, while Raiju rotated the hilt in his left hand into a reverse grip. A warcry from the Kaleesh warned Raiju of another incoming assault, and the Battlelord shifted his left side between himself and the assault; readying to show this upstart what a real Sith could do.

Having closed in on the Nautolan, the Kaleesh brought his blade down from over his shoulder onto the Battlelord’s crimson reversed blade. The weight of the attack was felt in the Nautolan’s knees as he sunk his body to catch the momentum before pushing back. The counter cast the Kaleesh’s weapon back, opening the freak’s midsection; yet only air was slashed when the Nautolan’s orange blade leapt out. Gracefully, the Battlemaster had turned with the momentum and had recoiled in time to escape the Nautolan’s attack.

The crackling of lightsabers colliding and the grunts of the two men continued, echoing off the cliff face of the island and alluding to their dangerous dance. As Raiju continued to take assault after assault on his reverse grip, Rrogon kept his distance from the threat of the Nautolan’s orange blade. Before too long, Raiju’s left arm began screaming from the soreness caused by Rrogon’s battering. On his right, the Nautolan’s arm was slowing as it tired from the lack of contact it had with the Battlemaster.

A change of tactics was needed.

This time when the Kaleesh’s blade was on the Battlelord’s crimson blade, Raiju held it there. He caught the blade on his and let the weight sink in again; drawing the Kaleesh close. With his right hand, Raiju ignored his weapon and focused on compressing an energy just past his fingertips. It was heavy, and it would hurt. Swinging it around his side, Raiju hurled the concentrated energy at Rrogon.

Only to miss the Kaleesh again.

Yet, Raiju smirked at his fortune. The heavy assault smashed into a rock column on the edges of their duelling ground. Splintering and collapsing, the column vanished into a pile of debris of various sized shards. Raiju took note as he turned his attention back to the angered Kaleesh, who struck at the Nautolan with a vengeance. Driving the Nautolan back slowly, the Kaleesh hammered in quick succession on his guard; one...two...three times. Each blow felt heavier than the last; so Raiju let the tip of his crimson blade parry the fourth blow away from his body and guided the attack to the ground. Here, his orange blade crossed over the Kaleesh’s blue blade and locked it in place. Meeting the Kaleesh’s eyes, Raiju could hear a snarl from beneath the helmet; perhaps the Battlemaster understood the risk in retreating from the lock. So while the Kaleesh flexed to lift the Nautolan and free himself safely, Raiju rooted himself in place; while he focused past the Kaleesh and upon the pile of debris again.

Imaging himself standing over the pile of rubble, the Nautolan pulled nearly a dozen of the largest stone shards from the ground. Sweat ran across the Nautolan’s brow like water from a faucet as his body held solid while his mind lifted the stones up until he could see it clearly over the Kaleesh’s shoulder. Then, beckoning the pieces towards him, the shards rained across the battleground and dug into the Kaleesh.

A panicked gasp was soon accompanied by a small trickle of blood that escaped the front of freak’s helmet.

When the man sagged forward, Raiju moved clear of the man’s fall. For the next few minutes, the Nautolan stood over the lifeless body as he took in the sight of the wreckage he had caused; then he proceeded to deliver a swift kick to the corpse’s skull for good measure.

“Serves you right for what you did to my ship, freak.”

Darth Renatus, 9 July, 2017 11:41 PM UTC

Syntax

yet the Kaleesh took the hit in stride; rolling over his shoulder upon hitting the ground and quickly regained composure

Semicolons should only be used with two independent clauses. If you took the second half of this and set it out on its own, it would not be a complete sentence. You do this mistake several times.

Imaging himself standing

Should be "imagining".


Story

This was a good showing that definitely tried to describe at least Raiju's limits. However, Skar wasn't afforded the same treatment. Sure, his might was addressed (except when it wasn't) but the rest could have been, well, any other Kaleesh. I don't think you gave him even one line of dialogue in both of his posts. Anyhow, there was a missed opportunity to elevate this and instil some depth of character before bringing it around to a conclusion.


Realism

So while the Kaleesh flexed to lift the Nautolan and free himself safely, Raiju rooted himself in place; while he focused past the Kaleesh and upon the pile of debris again.

Skar's Might and Athletics are such that he would still be functioning at a higher level than Raiju at this point. He should be able to overpower Raiju and get out of such a lock without much issue. This is really an issue throughout, as he could have pushed through your one-handed grips rather easily at least a few times.

Then, beckoning the pieces towards him, the shards rained across the battleground and dug into the Kaleesh.

He has +4 Precognition, something that can easily be missed. At that level, if he is still with it and hasn't relied too heavily on it, he would not only sense the coming threat, but be able to counter it. This would have been a perfect moment to have him dodge and then Raiju inflict some self-damage with this attack. That would have helped your score. This hinders it.