Knight Tali Sroka vs. Augur Rian Taldrya

Knight Tali Sroka

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Female Twi'lek, Force Disciple, Seeker
vs.

Augur Rian Taldrya

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Mirialan, Force Disciple, Juggernaut, Obelisk
Comment

This was a creative fight with more than a few technical issues from both writers. Rian's syntax score is reflected clearly with Tali demonstrating better command overall. Both writers told an interesting story, but I really liked Tali's creativity with her conclusion. It was a risk/pay off that worked well. With realism, both writers had two larger issues I noticed, with both having two smaller issues that are noted but don't drop the scores below the 3 category for me here on either side. In the end, Tali made fewer technical errors in her writing itself and tilts the match into her favor.

Great work, both of you.

-W

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Tali Sroka, Augur Rian Taldrya
Winner Knight Tali Sroka
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Tali Sroka's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Augur Rian Taldrya's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ruins of Antei: The Dark Hall
Last Post 3 July, 2017 3:46 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Rian Taldrya Aedile Tali Sroka
Score: 2 Score: 4
Rationale: A lot of repeated errors in grammar, sentence structure, formatting, and word choice. Rationale: A few errors here and there that were spotted.
Story - 40%
Rian Taldrya Aedile Tali Sroka
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You did a great job setting the stage for the fight and then followed it up with a solid final post that wrapped the short narrative up well. Rationale: I actually really liked your creativity in storytelling and the tricks that Tali used to get to her resolution. The combat itself left some things to be lacking, but there was at least action and conflict being presented.
Realism - 25%
Rian Taldrya Aedile Tali Sroka
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: First thing was the lack of factoring in Tali's "Cowardly Lion" Aspect to start the conflict. The next larger issue was the lightsaber wound/damage and how it was treated. Rationale: The way that Tali's Endurance is explained within the context of simple combat excretion is very off. It was a minor stretch of imagination that Rian's Discipline Feats and skill build translated to how he handled the JK-13 droid and how "winded" he was afterward.
Continuity - 20%
Rian Taldrya Aedile Tali Sroka
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing I noted. Rationale: Nothing I noted.
Rian Taldrya's Score: 3.65 Aedile Tali Sroka's Score: 3.95
Posts

Ruins of Antei The Dark Hall

Holovids have replayed the conclusion of the Grand Master’s Invitational Tournament where Turel Sorenn and Timeros Ceasus Entar Arconae battled within the remains of the Dark Hall.

Echoes of the past haunt the now desolate graveyard of a planet. Wild winds whip through the hollow landscape with harrowing howls, a sense of death and finality hanging heavy in the air. This aura is neither dark or light, but stands as living effigy to the destructive power a sole individual unleashed on an entire system.

Once, Antei had served as the seat of the Dark Jedi Brotherhood's power. As a result of an ancient Ritual of destruction invoked by Grand Master Muz Ashen, the entire planet is now no more than a barren wasteland. Charred buildings have been reduced to rubble, but ash flutters into the wind from the embers of fires that seem to burn in eternal requiem. A dark energy still lingers, and at its center, rests the once great temple known as the Dark Hall.

The Dark Hall itself is one of the only few structures to defy the full might of the Ritual. The ruins and remains around it are littered with decay. Tall spires have been toppled and withered with corrosion from the planet's periodic dust storms. The Dark Hall’s interior is mired with collapsed pillars and door frames. The last remnants of life are scattered and covered in layers of ash: broken furniture, fractured machinery and combusted equipment littering the apocalyptic palette of grays and greens. The stairways leading down into the subterranean levels are missing whole sections, and some simply lead to dead ends. The crypts below have been ransacked and scavenged, sarcophagi upturned and left with a mixture of mummified corpses and empty caskets.

Beyond this, scouting reports still vary when the topic of Force apparitions and ghosts is broached.

Proceed at your own risk.

The hull of the Lancer-class Pursuit craft shuddered, the paneling of its body groaning as Rian Taldrya brought his ship down through Antei's atmosphere. He leveled the ship off, adjusting its trajectory as the ship broke through a blanket of thick dark clouds, coming down in the region of Antei that was known as Adas. Ahead of him lay the ruins of the Dark Hall, once the glorious seat of power of the Dark Brotherhood. Rian hadn't been on Antei until before its devastation at the hands of the former Grand Master. He angled lower, flew a wide circle, until he finally spotted a clearing large enough to fit the size of his ship. The hum of the reverse thrusters and a cloud of blown up ash came before the dull thump of the Pursuit craft's touching down on the surface about half a kilometer from the ruins of the Dark Hall. For a moment Rian sat in the cockpit, staring at the setting cloud of ash. On his way down to the boarding ramp, Rian threw over his all-temperature cloak, clipping it onto his left shoulder plate.

As Rian reached the cargo hold, Echo, his personal Seeker Droid hovered to his side, chirping anxious for its next orders. "You'll stay at the ship, make sure we get no company." Rian ordered as he pushed the button to open the bay and lower the ramp. The door slid open and ash blew in. Stepping outside, it took Rian's eyes a while to adjust to the darkness. His boots crunched on the dusty surface as he made his way across the clearing towards the ruins of the Dark Hall. In the distance a crackling thunder announced a storm closing in.

"No need to worry, I will long be back when that storm reaches this place." Rian replied to the beeping of Echo's query coming through his comlink.

Reaching the edges of the ruins, Rian expanded his senses, scanning for signs of recent activity. Sensing no immediate danger, he took the place for what it was: deserted, though he remained on the edge as on this place no one could have been sure his senses weren't tricked. Making his way across collapsed pillars and toppled furniture, he reached the turbolift shaft that would led him to his destination, the Archives on the second sublevel. Scanning the vicinity once more to be sure to not having taken a dead end, he stemmed up the doors to the shaft before him. Without any energy, the cabin hung deep beneath him. Hurling himself into the shaft, he grabbed the emergency ladder near the doors. He climbed down until he reached the second underground level. Once he had put a safe foot into the doorframe, he repeated his action and levered up the doors to gain access into the Archives. Standing within the vast halls, automated lights in the roof sprang to life one after another bathing the hall into a yellowish light.

Heading for the section that held the holocron he had come for, he made his way through corridors tightly packed with the knowledge the Brotherhood's leaders had acquired over the ages. Suddenly a soft thump behind him drew his attention while he had stopped upon script that he had read during his tenure as Consul of Taldryan. Twirling around he saw nothing but a small cloud of dust and footprints on the ground. Wait.

Following his footprints back a few meters, he made out others, though who ever was following him had tried to step into his traces as best as possible there was a difference every other step. Looking around, he came face to face with the one shadowing him.

A female Twi'lek, purple skin, her eyes gleaming the same color as the blade she ignited when she lunged for Rian. Sidestepping her attack, Rian drew his own lightsaber from where it was sheathed on his back, the hilt extending to its full size in his hand with a clicking sound before the serrated light-blue blade sprung to life.

"Hello to you too." he called her, bringing his blade up in a defensive stance.

"I know for vhat you are Taldrya, you don't have the right to be here." She spat out the name of his clan before closing in again, spinning her blade to slash at Rian. Their blades met, sending away sparks with every swirling exchange, as Rian blocked blow after blow from the Twi'lek.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 5 July, 2017 2:54 AM UTC

Rian hadn't been on Antei until before its devastation at the hands of the former Grand Master

Until should be "since" here.

"You'll stay at the ship, make sure we get no company." Rian ordered as he pushed the button to open the bay and lower the ramp.

company," Rian ordered <- needs the comma, not a period. This is in the ACC Guide for future reference :).

he reached the turbolift shaft that would led him to his destination, the Archives on the second sublevel.

lead, not led.

It seems off to me that someone with a "Cowardly" Character Aspect would be the first to try and instigate combat, when the character tries to avoid conflict at "all costs".

Great introduction, story wise.

“I have every same right as you, Arcona,” Rian replied, trying to mimic the Twi’lek’s barb, but coming up a tad more polite than he might have wanted. Expertly parrying a diagonal cut at his collarbone, he swerved his blade around to bring the blue on top of the yellow and point the tip of his saber at the Twi’lek’s throat. Both combatants momentarily locked in an indefensible stance where either could try and stab the other, but would most likely die in the process, the two stared at each other, eyes mirroring the colors of their blades.

“You fight well, but I will get what I came for,” Rian stated calmly, the fight having taken much more out of his opponent than himself.

Tali found it hard to disagree with the statement, panting as she was from the exertion of combat after her element of surprise had been squandered. But there were other ways of winning than mere brute strength.

“I know vhy you are here,” she spoke as measuredly as she could manage, chest heaving with struggled breaths of dust-choked air. “Andt you vill not get it. Not today,” she added with a hint of malicious joy.

Something about her confidence caused the Mirialan to furrow his brow as a flicker of concern crossed his mind. Had he forgotten about something?

“Explain yourself!” Rian demanded, the sharp bark catching the Twi’lek off guard while the pair continued to hold each other at saberpoint.

“You honestly thought I vas the guardian of this place?” Tali chuckled with a cocky smirk, her amber eyes shifting to the right, guiding his focus towards a darkened corridor where a cluster of red eyes focused in on him.

Pirouetting away from the Mirialan’s reach, Tali ducked behind the remains of a collapsed archive unit and tried to regain her breath, closing her eyes to regain focus. Barely aware of the Twi’lek’s disappearing act, Rian was left staring at the eight-limbed mechanical monster that emerged from the shadows of the broken corridor. Its carapace had once been a gleaming gold, but now dust and decay had dulled its sheen to a blemished bronze, distorted slightly by the flickering shield it projected around itself.

As the JK-13 security droid skittered into view, illuminated by the surviving lighting of the Archives, it became clear it had seen better days. Its carapace dented from falling debris and the joints of his hind legs moving sluggishly, the droid posed a far lesser threat than it once might have, but the crackling arcs of electricity running up its stun tentacles seemed every bit as dangerous as ever.

Sliding his left foot back to widen his stance and gripping his saber at the base more tightly, he brought it around to face the new opponent. Now focused upon the mechanical monster before him, Rian felt something tugging on his senses as he caught movement in the corner of his eye. A fleeting pair of purple lekku, a mocking giggle and the glint of a golden holocron held in the Twi’lek’s hand vanished into the turbolift shaft.

The next moment the JK-13 reared up and threw itself at him, mechanical limbs lunging forward to crush his limbs while the mass of flailing tentacles hissed and snapped, presenting too many angles of attack to parry at once.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 5 July, 2017 3:26 AM UTC

“I have every same right as you, Arcona,” Rian replied, trying to mimic the Twi’lek’s barb, but coming up a tad more polite than he might have wanted.

Arconan*

Both combatants momentarily locked in an indefensible stance where either could try and stab the other, but would most likely die in the process, the two stared at each other, eyes mirroring the colors of their blades.

This is a runnon sentence and should be broken up into two parts to read better. It would also be "neither" instead of either in that context.

” Rian stated calmly, the fight having taken much more out of his opponent than himself.

So far, the way the fight has been described, they've taken a few swings at each other. Tali has a +1 in Endurance, so she'd not be winded that quickly, I don't think, or the difference between Rian's +3 Endurance and hers would take more time to manifest. Also, this is a prime example of show, don't tell. How does Rian know it took more out of her than him? Does he notice her panting or having more labored breathing? You show it in the next line, but that's more of her reaction than how Rian observes it.

As the JK-13 security droid skittered into view,

Nice work bringing in something organic from the Dark Hall wiki's history. It made sense that one of these could still be around.

The droid came for him, with too many electrified tentacles to fight them, but there were other techniques at Rian's dispossal to fight it. Waiting till the last instant, Rian slammed his open hand into the ground, Sending a wall of invisible Power into the Droid. It staggered, then fell onto its back, tentacles flailing around wildly.

"Sorry Bro, I don't have time to play with you." Rian said, the invisible version of his outstreched hand tugging at the shelf towering over the droid, burying it under it when it finally toppled over.

Turning from the droid, Rian began to chase after the Twi'lek. "Echo, we got company, I need to know where she's heading." When he heard an affirmative beeping from the other end he had already reached the shaft and started to climb up again.

Rian found her outside halfway between the clearing and the entrance of the ruins. Hurling his lightsaber after her in wide arc he got the attention he wanted.

"I have never thought you'd be the guardian of the archives." Rian said once his blade was safely back in his hand. "nor did I expect someone else to be there at all."

The Twi'lek faced him, her chest still heaving from the recent actions she has been in, holocron in one hand, lightsaber in the other. "We could have worked together to retrieve the holocron you hold in your hands, but instead you gave into the squabbles our clans have been in for so long rather than on our common enemy. We still can end this as allies, but only if you hand me the holocron now."

She stood there, considering the offer made by Rian, but then changed charged for him.

"Then so be it." Rian murmured, meeting her charge head on. Their blades clashed with a crackling hiss.

"Arcona vill never be an ally of Taldryan." She spat, retreating from their saber lock.

Rian didn't reply, but instead braced himself for their next exchange, confident in his own skills. Their brief clash in the archives had told him one thing: she had potential, but Rian had spent years mastering the arts of lightsaber combat. If the Twi'lek wanted to fight him, the outcome would be inevitable. Backing from the saber lock, Rian switched from defense to offense, retaliating with a sequence of swift thrusts aimed at taking her off balance. The Twi'lek ducked to the side as the blueish blade skimmed along her blade towards her cheek close enough for her to feel the heat of the blade against her skin. It clipped her shoulder, carving a tiny wound into the purple flesh. The next cut found its mark, brushing the skin on her right leg shortly above the ankle, searing another scorch in her flesh. Though the wounds weren't sever, they left agony cursing through her body. The Twi'lek pounced, trying to regain her footage with a series of whirling slashes, making up her lack of experience with speed and aggression. Skills honed over nearly a decade of training, Rian darted around the whirling blade, leaping onto a toppled column nearby.

The Twi'lek breathed heavily, it was clear she wasn't used to prolonged battles and Rian was about to make use of that imperfections in her style. She followed him, leaping onto the column, but almost slipped when her injured leg touched the circular underground. He seized the opportunity to overwhelm what was left from the strengths of the Twi'lek. Overpowering her, he was able to come in close enough to bat her blade aside and throw an elbow into her chest. She lost her footage and slipped. Looking up at the unstable tip of Rians blade. "Last chance, hand me the holocron."

Enraged, she jumped onto her feet again, lips forced into a painful grin. Rian pressed on, batting her with a relentless assault of darting thrusts and cuts. More and more the Twi'lek fell off balance and out of sorts, breathing hard, she barely remained the strength to keep her blade up against Rian. In a final desperate lung she threw herself at Rian and his blade. But there was no blade. Instead the glowing yellow blade hit nothing but air, as Rian sidestepped her and forcefully connected the pommel of his lightsaber with her cheek, sending her to a place somewhere entirely else. Kicking her lightsaber from her palm before grabbing the holocron from the other he called Echo: "I am done. Let's get out of here."

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 5 July, 2017 3:41 AM UTC

Rian slammed his open hand into the ground, Sending a wall of invisible Power into the Droid.

lowercase for sending

Hurling his lightsaber after her in wide arc he got the attention he wanted.

comma needed between "arc" and "he"

"I have never thought you'd be the guardian of the archives." Rian said once his blade was safely back in his hand. "nor did I expect someone else to be there at all."

Commas needed here, again, for dialogue flow.

She stood there, considering the offer made by Rian, but then changed charged for him.

I honestly don't know what this was meant to say/describe here.

towards her cheek close enough for her to feel the heat of the blade against her skin

Lightsaber blade's don't actually give off heat. The containment field prevents that until contact is actually made.

Though the wounds weren't sever, they left agony cursing through her body.

Severe, coursing*

A note on lightsaber wounds as well. If you watch the fight between Kylo Ren and Finn in Episode 7, you'll notice that when Finn get's hit with Kylo's cross-saber, he cries out in agony. When Finn hits him, he kind of winces and then fights through it. Tali has +2 Control Self, but in combat, in the heat of it, it's going to be hard for her to fight through two lightsaber marks in her flesh. She'd cry out or be in pain.

She lost her footage and slipped.

footing*

Realizing his peril, Rian threw himself aside as the machine slammed into the space he had occupied mere moments ago. Yet, even as he leapt away, one of the droid’s squirming tentacles lashed out to grace his shin, sending a jolt of painful electricity coursing up the limb. Breaking his wild dodge into a sideways roll, the Mirialan regained his unsteady footing as the calf of his left leg throbbed with pain.

The JK-13 turning around to face him anew, Rian realized he could not end this fight quickly enough and had to make a choice. A few years back, he would have stayed and fought the droid, just to show himself he could best it, but now… now he knew better. Though it stung his pride to ‘flee’ from a fight, the mission had to come first.

Letting the living Force flow through his limbs, dulling the pain until it was but an afterthought and imbuing his muscles with unnatural power, the Mirialan shot forward in a mad dash. The JK-13, having been rearing up for a follow-up attack, struggled to swerve its bulky form after the impossibly agile foe that dashed past it. Stun tentacles lashing out, missing their mark by scant inches, Rian cleared the droid and continued unabated towards the turbolift shafts.

Wasting no time, he extended his hand in front of him before clenching it into a fist. Pulling his hand to the side, beads of sweat began forming on his tattooed forehead from the exertion as he ‘muscled’ the doors open. Leaping through, he grabbed the emergency ladder. His powers draining, but far from exhausted, he deftly climbed up the rungs at speed, only barely aware that the JK-13 was no longer pursuing him.

Finally arriving at the top of the shaft and panting hard, he took a moment to collect himself. Knowing he was vulnerable in that moment, he extended his senses to feel out his foe and home in on her location, but to his frustration the Twi’lek was masking her presence well.

The winds outside were by now howling like wolves, gouts of dust whipped into the air across the broken hall before him. He was running out of time. Engaging his communicator, Rian contacted his servant. “Do you have a fix on her?”

He waited for a moment, getting no reply, before repeating the query. A foreboding thought reared its ugly head and he dashed for the exit, running headlong into the brewing storm. The winds lashing across the desolate plains tore chips of blackened stone from the ground and turned them into nigh-on bullets that sliced into his exposed face like razors. Yet, on he pressed, heedless of damage or pain. He could sense the Dark swirling around him, drowning out the Light as the storm closed in.

Finally spying the shape of his ship through the dust-choked winds, he pushed his body to the limit while igniting his saber, expecting the Twi’lek to be making her escape any moment now. Closing the distance, he keyed a remote signal to lower the boarding ramp.

Furrowing his brow, he reached the relative safety of his craft and entered into its confines, only to be greeted by the elated chirps of his mechanical servant. “Wait… she never left the temple?” Rian asked the droid. The hovering machine remained silent for a moment before beeping a confused request for clarification on who he was referring to.

His jaw tensed as a bolt of lightning shattered a nearby obelisk into rubble, the warning chimes on his ship’s sensors telling him he would have to leave now or risk damage to his ship. Growling in annoyance, he turned for the cockpit. “Well played, Arcona…


Several meters below ground, Tali finally released her cloak and a strained breath. It had taken every ounce of her focus to mask her presence after she’d flashed the half-baked vision to his senses and by now she was positively drained. Rising up to unsteady feet, her heartbeat drumming in her ear-cones, Tali smiled triumphantly. It had been a long shot, but with the meddling Taldryan out of the way, she could focus on uncovering what remained of the Archives in peace.

Limping down the lines of surviving shelves, she felt like she’d forgotten about something, a thought nagging at the back of her mind. The crackle of stun tentacles crystallized that suspicion into a horrifying realization.

“Oh, kark…”

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 5 July, 2017 3:50 AM UTC

Finally arriving at the top of the shaft and panting hard, he took a moment to collect himself.

Rian's Discipline Feats seem to go unmentioned at all during this exchange with the droid. He's a juggernaut with Iron Skin II and Surge II, not to mention +3 Endurance and +4 Athletics.

He could sense the Dark swirling around him, drowning out the Light as the storm closed in.

I know what you're going for here, but it reads awkwardly in an attempt to allude to the dark side and light side vs actual darkness and light in the sense of visible spectrum.