Battlelord Furios Morega vs. Privateer Keiji Suoh

Battlelord Furios Morega

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Epicanthix, Sith, Marauder, Obelisk
vs.

Privateer Keiji Suoh

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Togruta, Mercenary, Hunter
Comment

From a pure story perspective, this was a really good match. Creative, and enjoyable to read, for the most part. Beyond that, however, it was a bit messy on both sides. Furios had a lot of Realism issues that really added up and should have lost him the match. In this case, his technical skill with syntax, narrative structure, and pacing were enough to compensate for the lack of attention to the CS mechanics. Keiji did a great job with match as well, but fell into a big hit to how damage was handled at the result of a lightsaber. I really liked the use of poison, and you did a really good job of describing Furios' healing ability.

In the end, this match comes down to Furios' technical writing giving him a very slight edge. I highly recommend brushing up on the CS Force Power and Skill tables on the wiki.

Thank you,

-W

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlelord Furios Morega, Privateer Keiji Suoh
Winner Battlelord Furios Morega
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlelord Furios Morega's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Privateer Keiji Suoh's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Oricon: Starship Graveyard
Last Post 4 July, 2017 12:19 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Warlord Furios Morega di Plagia Keiji Suoh
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: One small error I found. Rationale: Numerous repeated errors. Please see notes.
Story - 40%
Warlord Furios Morega di Plagia Keiji Suoh
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: I really liked the narrative and story you told. It was clever and fun to read, but some of the realism issues effected the plot so heavily that it kind of took me out of the flow of enjoying the story. Rationale: You did a good job of setting up why the fight takes place, and then actually came up with a clever ending. The story itself was tight and solid, but your first post's brevity held you back a bit. Some of your writing was confusing at points as well.
Realism - 25%
Warlord Furios Morega di Plagia Keiji Suoh
Score: 1 Score: 3
Rationale: I combined the complete lack of Slicing skill/tools into a major detractor. This includes siphoning the data, and then having it detonate. I am counting the lack of Subterfuge in Furios' gambit tricking Keiji so easily, as well as Keiji's chicken-run approach to handling the situation as minor. I am counting the usage of barrier +1 and the armorweave cloak as minor. Rationale: Lightsaber wound counts as a large error here. This happened in the last match of yours I graded, you really need to be careful about how lightsaber wounds are handled.
Continuity - 20%
Warlord Furios Morega di Plagia Keiji Suoh
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues I saw. Rationale: No issues I saw.
Warlord Furios Morega di Plagia's Score: 3.45 Keiji Suoh's Score: 3.25
Posts

Oricon Starship Graveyard

Oricon, the base of the ancient Dread Masters and nearly lost to time is steeped in the Dark Side, echoing the influences of both the Dread Masters and Darth Vitus before them. The landscape is an unforgiving nightmarescape of lava flows and volcanic rock dotted with strange plants and starship wrecks from a battle thousands of years ago. The smoky, sulfuric air of the surface nearly chokes most humanoids as it forces their eyes to adjust to the foggy haze illuminated by the soft glow of the lava flows. Tall, luminous blood ferns adorn the landscape, surrounded by vicious predators hardy enough to survive the intense conditions. Trenches and outcroppings formed from flowing lava serve to make footing uneven, adding yet another treacherous element to this already dangerous world. In the distance, the ruins of an ancient tower call out to those that can sense its terror—the fabled fortress of the Dread Masters. Remnants of ancient cults can be seen here and there, from wrecked huts to blood-stained altars and crumbling oubliettes.

Keiji slammed the massive doors behind him. This planet was an unpleasant place to say the least, and this god forsaken tower seemed to be the only hospitable place here. A low light filled the area before the Togruta. Dust coated Keiji’s gloved fingers as he ran them along the stone wall. His boots kicked small pebbles and discarded broken rock as Keiji traversed through the halls of the dark tower.

Quick scan through the place, see if I find anything then leave, Keiji thought as he peaked through the various doors. Each room had its own function, some more sinister than others. Scattered bones, deep crimson stains, and shattered walls were common in most rooms.

In one room in particular, a shattered slab of black glass lay on a raised platform. Long rusted chains stood at it’s base and although currently were empty, a mere glance could inform you of the horrors that ensued.

Most of the rooms held nothing of importance or were visibly already scraped of everything of use. Except for one room. Out of everything here, there was clearly something out of place. A datapad lay on a shelf in the back of the room. No dust had settled on it meaning it was placed here. The Togruta marched forth and removed it from the shelf.

Wonder who this belongs too, Keiji thought as he held it in his hand. The screen displayed a lock and a pad to enter a code. Course it’s locked.

As Keiji was staring at the pad, something came into his montral’s range. In one smooth motion, he drew one of his pistols and fired two rounds near the feet of the entity that was there.

“It’s not polite to shoot at people, you know.” The massive Epicanthix said as the rounds landed right next to his feet.

“Neither is sneaking up on people,” Keiji retorted as he spun to face the man. He placed the data pad back and stood in front of its resting place. Something told Keiji that this man shouldn’t have it.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 6 July, 2017 3:20 AM UTC

Long rusted chains stood at it’s base and although currently were empty, a mere glance could inform you of the horrors that ensued.

...and although they currently were empty...

Also, using "you" here throws off third person omniscient storytelling.

No dust had settled on it meaning it was placed here.

"it was placed there."- same thing as above.

“It’s not polite to shoot at people, you know.” The massive Epicanthix said as the rounds landed right next to his feet.

Comma needed after "you know" for attributing action/emphasis to the dialogue being spoken.

“Sneaking?” asked the Plagueian with a hint of amusement in his voice. “I walk as I will. It’s not my fault if it startles you, merc.”

“I don’t care what you call it,” Keiji replied angrily. “Why are you here? Who sent you?”

As the mercenary spoke, his apparent pursuer had seemingly lost interest. Idly tapping away at a small electronic device he’d procured from the pouch on his left hip, the Plagueian was actually humming to himself. The Privateer grumbled his displeasure at his questions being ignored and aimed Night at the intruding Sith’s chest. He squeezed off a round, the sound echoing throughout the stone chamber. Furios didn’t look up from his scanner, but stepped aside, allowing the Force to guide and enhance his reflexes. He simply finished what he was doing on the device before retracting the display and returning it to the pouch. The slug harmlessly impacted against the door, embedding itself in the ancient stone.

“We just talked about this!” the Obelisk declared with annoyance.

If there hadn’t been reinforced polymer plating covering it, the Epicanthix would have seen the Togruta’s face turn a slight shade pink with anger. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Oh, there’s this new fighting arena back on Aliso. I’ve got a vested interest in it so I had one of the technicians add an extra function so I could watch fights, check scores, place bets. I’m just checking a fight I bet on.”

“That still doesn’t tell me why you’re here,” Keiji stated angrily, keeping calm despite his would-be attacker’s antics.

“My business is my own,” the Battlelord said with an eerily unsettling grin. “But I think I’ll take a short break to kill you.”

Then he doesn’t know about the datapad. The mercenary paused to contemplate. If this giant didn’t come for that, then maybe I can grab it and get away without losing any limbs. Did he just say he’s going kill me? What went through the giant’s head was entirely different. The range of a Togruta’s montrals is twenty five meters. I must be closer with how silently I move. Looks like fifteen meters. Three seconds away? No, three and a half. I’ll make it three.

The Privateer watched for the declared attack. Behind his visor, scrutinizing eyes narrowed at the enemy. Beneath the Plagueian raiment however, long, toned leg muscles gently expanded and contracted in anticipation as a cocktail of blood and adrenaline pumped through them. He drew on the Force, preparing to charge faster than his normal limits permitted. The Privateer before him kept his slugthrower trained on the Sith, carefully reaching with his right for the datapad behind him. His fingers groped for the device, left and right, brushing only the stone shelving. His eyes remained focused on his alleged executioner. Suoh finally reached far enough to the left to grip the corner of the datapad. His eyes couldn’t help but dart back and that’s when the Plagueian charged. A heartbeat passed as the long strides quickly covered the distance. The mercenary reacted erratically, firing a short burst of slugs too far to the left. Before he could adjust, a cerulean saber snaked out, slashing the firearm in two. The Togruta clutched the datapad to his chest and leapt aside, narrowly avoiding a follow-up attack aimed at his head. The blade instead struck stone, partially melting the wall behind with a small shower of sparks. The Odanite somersaulted back to his feet, launching a trio of throwing knives from their slots on his bracer. Furios grabbed the edge of his cloak and raised it to the flying blades. With a deft swipe of his arm, all three daggers disappeared into the armorweave cloth before clattering to the ground.

“You’ll have to try harder than that,” the menacing Battlelord advised calmly. No sooner had the words left his lips than a flurry of jacketed rounds sped toward him. The Marauder thrust his arms forward, blocking the slugs with a shield manifested from the Force. The first four slugs impacted the ethereal barricade and ricocheted away, but the fifth shattered the obstruction, tearing into the Sith’s left shoulder.

“How was that?” the mercenary asked, his voice clearly layered with derision.

“Better,” his quarry said with the same menacing grin as a trickle of blood slowly poured from the punctured armor.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 6 July, 2017 3:53 AM UTC

so I could watch fights, check scores, place bets. I’m just checking a fight I bet on.”

Fantasy space sports, gotta have live tracking. I align with Furios.

Then he doesn’t know about the datapad. The mercenary paused to contemplate. If this giant didn’t come for that, then maybe I can grab it and get away without losing any limbs. Did he just say he’s going kill me? What went through the giant’s head was entirely different. The range of a Togruta’s montrals is twenty five meters. I must be closer with how silently I move. Looks like fifteen meters. Three seconds away? No, three and a half. I’ll make it three.

You do a good job tackling your opponents POV, but then jump-cut into your characters.

With a deft swipe of his arm, all three daggers disappeared into the armorweave cloth before clattering to the ground.

Armor is cosmetic in the ACC. It would just be like regular cloth material and would not be able to simply stop three throwing knives like it was space-kevlar.

The Marauder thrust his arms forward, blocking the slugs with a shield manifested from the Force.

Barrier +1 can't be erected that quickly in the middle of a skirmish. You'd need at least a +3 for it to be combat snap-ready.

Lucky shot. Now get that pad to the ship and get out of here, Keiji thought as he slowly back further and further towards the door. He needed to get outside and fast. This person was clearly better than him in combat, not to mention what his opponent was wielding. The only way out of this was to get out of this tower and lose him in the wastelands of this planet.

Before Keiji could make it out the doorway, the Battlelord had again rushed forth and swung for the head. Keiji ducked underneath the swing and attempted to head but the Epicanthix in front of him, but Furios was faster. Furios quickly brought his knee into the helmet of the Togruta, and while his opponent reeled back from the blow; he threw the palm of his hand into the face plate.

Keiji stumbled out of the doorway and landed against the wall with a thwack. He had only a brief moment to roll out of the way before the lightsaber his opponent carried came down in an overhead swing. Moving as fast he could to the left, the blade suddenly disappeared into the wall behind him with a splash of sparks and hissing sounds. Keiji although dodging most of the blow, did not escape unharmed. The blue beam had nicked part of his arm and completely destroyed it. Red pulsing flesh now showed on his right arm, but it wasn’t bleeding due to the extreme heat of the lightsaber.

Your lucky that thing cauterizes or you’d be in way more trouble. Take out his leg and MOVE, Keiji thought as he did a draw cut at the man’s leg. The strike landed there and cut slightly into the back of the Battlelord’s knee, however; the blade was then cut before it could sink further into the flesh.

“Not too bad. Sad though that your shiny hunk of metal is useless against this,” Furious smirked as he wagged the lightsaber in his hand. Keiji had taken a step back and waited. The effect would have kicked in soon. As the Epicanthix took a step with his freshly cut foot, he soon realised something was wrong. As Furios put it down, it seemed unable to support weight and fell off balance. Keiji seized the initiative and kicked the face of his opponent as he fell.

“Inhibitor poison. Comes in handy for times like these.” Keiji explained as he ran down the set of stairs. That poison could only stop the sith for so long. The Togruta burst through the massive doors again and entered the wasteland of the planet. His arm started to sting now as the open wound was exposed to the air and heat.

Grumbling in fury and propping himself up against the wall, Furios stumbled over to the stairs. The small cut that had been in his leg was now gone, as the cells had rebuilt themselves due to the Force. All that was left was what little poison was in his veins. He had already started to regain control of the leg, and it wouldn’t be soon till he would have it back.

Furios peered outside the window and found the Ordanite not too far away from the tower. An evil grin grew on his face. Like I said, I’d take a break to kill you, was the thought that ran through the Epicanthix’s head. He tensed his leg muscles once more and leaped through the panes of glass that separated the outside from in. As he sailed through the sky, anger and frustration started to be focused in his left hand. Bolts started to arc and form, starting first finger to finger then arcing to the palm. As his form flew, Keiji could sense it as it flew within his montral’s range. Course at the speed he was going it would place the Sith somewhere behind him. Unfortunately that was all Furios needed as when he landed, the lightning that he had been manifesting unleashed at point blank range, causing Keiji’s muscles to seize and contract. Before the Ordanite fell completely, the blade in Furious’s right hand swung up separating head from body.

“Well that was entertaining,” The Epicanthix said happily as he checked his datapad. A frown appeared on his face as he opened up his app.

“Oh, my person lost… well there goes my bet.”

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 6 July, 2017 4:03 AM UTC

head but

headbutt*

Furios quickly brought his knee into the helmet of the Togruta, and while his opponent reeled back from the blow; he threw the palm of his hand into the face plate.

That's not how semicolon work.

Your lucky

You're*

The blue beam had nicked part of his arm and completely destroyed it.

That's...kind of game over for Keijin at that point. He can't use the Force to control pain, so that's a pretty debilitating wound.

As he sailed through the sky, anger and frustration started to be focused in his left hand

This makes it sound like...he's flying. It could be written a bit more clearly that he jumped out the window and made chase.

“Oh, my person lost… well there goes my bet.”

This was a nice touch at the end. I liked it.

“Still not good enough,” declared Keiji. “I intended to kill you.”

“I'm sure you did,” came the reply. Furios put on the front well, but in truth, his shoulder was in excruciating pain. The slug must have struck the brachial nerve because through the throbbing in his shoulder, the arm itself was going numb. Mistakes were definitely made. He hadn't had enough time to create a complete barrier and his shoulder had paid the price. If he was being honest with himself, it must have been the will of the Force that he'd erected any kind of a defense at all and that there weren't a few fresh holes in his chest. Maybe this fight deserved a little caution after all. The Epicanthix raised his saber, stepping forward to hide the true severity of his wound.

“Do you have any last words, merc?” he asked confidently.

“How’s your other fight going?”

“Excuse me?”

“The other fight, are you winning?”

“Haven’t had another chance to check,” the Plagueian explained casually.

“Go ahead,” cajoled the Odanite. “I’ll wait.” He needed time to think of an escape.

The Battlelord narrowed his eyes, trying to discern the ploy. “Weapons on the ground?” The saber hissed shut, withdrawing the plasma back into its hilt. He held his weapon out to the side, emphasising his intent.

“Have it your way,” the mercenary placated.

The weapons clicked against the stone floor as the two equites rose back up to face each other. Morega reached with his right for the scanner, flashing red and yellow light. Downloading files… 87% complete.

“Are you at least winning something today?” mocked Keiji as the scanner returned to its pouch.

The Battlelord masked his content at the progress the device was making. There never was a function for the Sand Pit on the scanner, just the slicing program that was currently cleaning out the data tightly gripped in the mercenary’s hand. Soon enough he’d have all the files intact. The merc could keep the datapad.

“Actually, I’m out five thousand credits,” Furios lied with a shrug. The credits weren’t really gone so it couldn’t really bother him, therefore dismissing the losses was easy. Fortunately, Keiji was desperate and so he saw the lie as an opportunity rather than fiction.

“Why don’t we make a deal?” he asked, instantly seeming more accommodating.

“What kind of deal?” the Epicanthix replied returning his saber to his hip. Negotiations would drain the clock easily.

“Well I want to live,” explained the Togruta, holstering Ebony. “And you don’t want to accept any gambling losses. I’ll give you five thousand credits to let me walk away?”

The Plagueian pretended to ponder the offer, seeing a way to make some money and still get what he came for. “As a gambler, if I don’t lose, then I win. Make it ten thousand.”

“Are you crazy?!” he shouted. “That’s a whole new ship!”

“Do you want to live or not?” He unclipped his saber, activating it for emphasis.

“I do! Ten thousand is… acceptable gambling losses,” he said laughing nervously.

“Make the transfer and I’ll see you to the door.”

They each flipped open their Comlinks, moving credits through the Holonet. They each snapped closed. Keiji hooked his prize to his belt and carefully walked to the door, the blue saber trained on him. As he neared the exit, a thought struck him and he turned to look back. “Night? The pieces?” They clattered along the stone floor with a shove of Furios’ boot. Their owner picked them up and bolted, slamming the door shut behind him. Furios immediately pulled out the scanner. It was only 98% done. He followed the signal to the front door, watching the last files save. Keiji was gone.

Download complete… Initiate power cell overload? Y/N

“Oh? Don’t mind if I do.” he mused with a confirming tap. For a moment, there was no sound but the wind. Then a bang and a low rumble. Furios grinned, following the noise. As he approached the top of a nearby hill he could see the smoking body of Keiji Suoh crawling up the next slope. Furios casually strode to his defenseless prey. The Odanite had lost his leg and hip where the datapad had rested. His hand was gone too, likely lost as he tried to pry the bomb off.

“Bad odds, I’m afraid,” mocked Furios, impaling the Togruta with a grin.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 6 July, 2017 4:12 AM UTC

There never was a function for the Sand Pit on the scanner, just the slicing program that was currently cleaning out the data tightly gripped in the mercenary’s hand. Soon enough he’d have all the files intact. The merc could keep the datapad.

This is good story, but Furios has 0 in slicing...and neither the Inq scanner or comlink really have that ability to hack/siphon data in this case. If he had some slicing at his disposal, i could see him having some kind of program or a way of leeching the data, but not in this case. Also with a 0 in Subterfuge, I think that Keiji's +2 perception and awareness would help him see it was a lie a bit quicker.

“I do! Ten thousand is… acceptable gambling losses,” he said laughing nervously.

Keiji has Universal Soldier as one of his custom aspects. It seems, combined with the others, out of character for him to start acting scared.

They each flipped open their Comlinks, moving credits through the Holonet.

Ah yes, space Venmo. Nice.

“Oh? Don’t mind if I do.” he mused with a confirming tap. For a moment, there was no sound but the wind. Then a bang and a low rumble. Furios grinned, following the noise. As he approached the top of a nearby hill he could see the smoking body of Keiji Suoh crawling up the next slope. Furios casually strode to his defenseless prey. The Odanite had lost his leg and hip where the datapad had rested. His hand was gone too, likely lost as he tried to pry the bomb off.

Again, this is a lot for a non-slicer to pull off, and neither of your loadout items could help make this happen really.

“Oh? Don’t mind if I do.” he mused with a confirming tap.

comma needed at the end of the dialogue to tie it to the description.