Knight Revs vs. Augur Yvanos

Knight Revs

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Male Miraluka, Force Disciple, Shadow
vs.

Augur Yvanos

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Force Disciple, Defender
Comment

Thank you both for a great match and participating in Phase I of the ACC portion of the GJW!

Both of you had fairly similar issues in your opening posts - a couple of issues with syntax or typos (though nothing major!) and a couple of minor realism hits. What really separated you here was in your final posts. Yvanos, I think if the conversion hilt thing hadn't been an issue and the last half of your final post would have been made significantly more clear, we'd have been fine. In fact, I think it would have been a pretty good ending. However, whenever I have to hit full stop on reading a match like I did here, it's going to impact your score. It's unfortunate, because I think you're talented.

Revs, going against an EQ4 as a Knight seems like a daunting task. As you wrote your story, though, it felt fairly believable for Revs to be able to walk away at the end of the match. Revs took his lumps as I'd expect him to, but ultimately managed to win.

The winner of this match is Revs.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Revs, Augur Yvanos
Winner Knight Revs
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Revs's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Augur Yvanos's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Naboo: Jan-gwa City
Last Post 4 July, 2017 1:35 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Ranger Revs
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: There are some syntax errors as noted, but nothing that hurts the readability of the story. Rationale: There are some syntax errors as noted but nothing that hurts the readability of the story.
Story - 40%
Deleted Ranger Revs
Score: 2 Score: 4
Rationale: The ending of your final post took me out of the story due to my noted difficulty in understanding what you were doing. Unfortunately, that's a pretty major detractor. Rationale: Your initial post was fairly standard - not bad, story-wise, but standard. What got you a 4 here was how you wrote the martial arts action in your final post - it was well-written and interesting.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Ranger Revs
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: There were the minor issues noted in the original post, and then the conversion hilt issue noted in the final post. Rationale: There were several realism issues - two related to Force Power usage and one regarding Yvanos' rage - in your original post.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Ranger Revs
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors noted. Rationale: No errors noted.
Deleted's Score: 3.15 Ranger Revs's Score: 3.95
Posts

Naboo Jan-gwa City

Unlike the Gungan’s submerged capital below Naboo, Jan-gwa rests partially underwater; the majority of the city rests above the water’s surface. A waterfall runs along the cliffs behind Jan-gwa, creating a veil of mist around the base of the city’s rounded platforms. Nocturnally illuminated, domed structures encompass the center of each platform and are home to Jan-gwa’s Gungan inhabitants. Some of the these structures extend below the water’s surface, creating an anchor that keeps Jan-gwa from floating with the currents and provides shelter to hundreds of Gungans.

Etched into the cliff walls are several faces of unknown origin. Resembling a humanoid with unembellished features, these carvings are not reminiscent of the city’s Gungan inhabitants—perhaps an indication that some other civilization might have resided near the floating city.

A plume of smoke came roiling from Yvanos’ mouth and a soft glow painted his features as his mind carried him away. Jen-gwa was a masterpiece but it's beauty was marred by war. He was completely fixated on the roaring waters but that was not unheard of. To the locals it was the norm. For Yvanos, its message was powerful. He pondered its freedom and the bubbles in which the Gungan’s dwelled. It made him feel uncomfortable, confined. He was used to the emptiness of space. The chill of the voyage. The grizzled veteran grinned as he turned. He realized that if he could accept the loneliness of the void and even miss it. Why then was it so difficult for him to be on the other end of an extreme?

Biting down on his cigar, Yvanos took slow strides down a narrow corridor. The sea life at his fingertips as he traced the transparent walls on either side of him. He descended deeper into the illuminated prison and could feel the faint whisper of the Force.

It called to him and his mind's eye glanced away, towards an unfamiliar yet awakened presence. It was soft and subtle as it blended into the surroundings. It was hidden from the naked eye, flying under the radar. That's when Yvanos saw him, a lanky Miraluka slithering through the crowd. It uncharacteristically peaked his interest as he slowly lingered forward in pursuit.

As the two came to a somewhat quiet overpass, Yvanos reached out with the Force.

“Why are you here?” His mind touched the Miraluka’s and in that second the wayward Shadow stopped. His head tilted downward and he clenched his fist. It appeared to be a cautious response.

“Who’s asking?” The Miraluka replied.

“Ah, so you did hear me?” Yvanos choked out a staunch laugh. “I've been working on that” Quickly his chuckle became a grumble. “You're mind is receptive but your secrets are kept deep. What brings you here?”

The line of questioning was a tactic Yvanos was quick to employ. In his experience there were those that meant no harm and others who sought it. For his own safety he would inquire again.

“There aren't many of us here..”

“Many what?”

“Conduits of the Force. It intrigues me that one as young as yourself is here. In a hurry, lurking about like the Shadow he has become.” Yvanos paused as Revs turned to face him. “I’ll only ask this once more.. Can we be friendly or are we destined for something a little more, violent?”

He had seen the deaths of many Jedi and Sith alike in countless battles over the years. He had seen how pacifism and anger could lead to the same outcome. How peace was as much of a lie as passions becoming strengths. He frequented both sides of the fence so to speak. It mattered little to him whether this was going to be a life lesson or an altercation. His intentions masked by shades of gray.

“You've been given a choice.” Yvanos gleamed, his hands falling to rest where each one of his Lightsaber hilts was fastened.

“I don't appreciate threats.” The Miraluka barked. He was becoming frustrated, it was written on his face. The Human was interfering with his mission and would not back down easily. But Revs had a job to do. With a fluid motion his hand swept across his waist, plucking his own hilt from his belt.

“Then you are here with a purpose.” Yvanos replied. “So be it.”

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 5 July, 2017 4:40 AM UTC

Jen-gwa was a masterpiece...

Jan-gwa*

He realized that if he could accept the loneliness of the void and even miss it. Why then was it so difficult for him to be on the other end of an extreme?

Syntax error. I think this was supposed to be one sentence conjoined?

It uncharacteristically peaked...

piqued*

“Why are you here?” His mind touched the Miraluka’s and in that second the wayward Shadow stopped. His head tilted downward and he clenched his fist. It appeared to be a cautious response.

Two things here - first, if you're trying to communicate mentally you'll want to put that in italics to distinguish it from spoken dialogue. The other issue is you've got +1 telepathy on your CS. At +1, you have to maintain eye contact to send simple messages. I don't think there's eye contact kept here.

“You're mind is receptive...

*Your

It intrigues me that one as young as yourself is here. In a hurry, lurking about like the Shadow he has become.

This is kind of a minor quibble (well, most of these comments so far have been) but how would Yvanos know that Revs is a Shadow? There's the +3 perception, sure, but was Revs seen cloaking or moving into and out of shadows, changing disguises, etc.?

Yvanos paused as Revs turned to face him.

How does Yvanos know who Revs is (IC, obviously)? This happens again at the very end of this post.

Panic ensued throughout the crowd as the Miriluka’s emerald blade hissed to life. Revs stood in front of the man who had just challenged him, the tip of his lightsaber pointed at the ground in front of him. Yvanos kept his hands resting lightly on the hilts of his of the lightsabers hanging from his waist. He appeared relaxed, seeming to pay no attention to the panicking crowd fleeing the area. He kept his gaze locked on where the Knight's eyes should have been.

“Now, I am going to give you one last chance. Tell me why you are here and I will let you walk away. No need to let things get ugly,” the Equitie murmured from behind his cigar.

“Sithspit!” Revs snapped at the man before him. “If you had any intention of letting me walk away from here, then you would have never even bothered stopping to speak to me. You would have kept walking, minding your own business.”

Moving his left leg back behind him, and turning to extend his left arm back for balance, the young Force-user shifted into a fencer's stance. “No. You stopped me for no other reason than to fight. I'm sick of you Inquisitors hunting me,” Revs spat through gritted teeth. “Now, I don't have time for this, so forgive me if I end it quickly!”

Revs snapped the tip of his blade up, lunging forward as he thrust the emerald beam straight at his opponent's face. Yvanos' hands were a blur as his dual lightsabers sprang to life, the right parroting aside the fencer's thrust, moving in an upward arch and narrowly missing its targets head. The young Miraluka stumbled back in surprise from the close call. Not waiting to allow his opponent to regain his footing, Yvanos reached out through the Force, throwing a telekinetic blast and slamming the former Assassin into the wall behind him.

Revs dropped down to one knee as pain shot through his back, heart beating loudly in his ears, from the increased adrenaline pumping in his veins. “Now look, I am not with the Inquisitors. I don't actually want to kill you,” Yvanos explained after spitting what was left of his cigar out.

“You lie!” Revs screamed as he threw a telekinetic blast of his own toward the Equitie before him. Yvanos' head snapped back as if he had been punched in the mouth. He stumbled from the blow, recovering quickly. His eyes were filled with rage as he sprang into action, his dual blades swinging wildly at the Miraluka, who quickly rolled out of the way, coming to his feet and bringing up his lightsaber just in time to block the next attack.

Revs could hardly keep up with the series of cyclonic attacks his insistent opponent unleashed upon him, having to use the Force to amplify his speed to parry and dodge the onslaught. Ducking under a wide-arched slash coming from his right, Revs drew the stiletto from his belt, jamming it at his opponent's right forearm.

Yvanos' lightsabers clanged to the floor as he clutched at his wounded arm. Revs used the moment to evaluate his current situation. He was panting , and pain spread across his back from where he hit the wall with every breath. But his opponent's breathing was heavier. The Human seemed far more tired than he was. The young Knight realized he didn't have to overpower this man or be more skilled; he just needed to out last him, a feat that was made far easier now that, he hoped, the man couldn't hold two lightsabers.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 5 July, 2017 5:03 AM UTC

Panic ensued throughout the crowd as the Miriluka’s emerald blade hissed to life.

Yvanos writes that y'all are at a "somewhat quiet overpass." Given that, I'm not sure there'd be much in the way of crowd to panic.

Yvanos kept his hands resting lightly on the hilts of his of the lightsabers hanging from his waist.

As I mentioned in a comment on Yvanos' opening post, how does Rev know (IC) who Yvanos is? It's a minor thing, but it can help with the storytelling aspect of ACC battles.

...the Equitie murmured...

Equite*

...the right parroting aside the fencer's thrust...

parrying*

“You lie!” Revs screamed as he threw a telekinetic blast of his own toward the Equitie before him. Yvanos' head snapped back as if he had been punched in the mouth

Besides the typo on Equite again, we've got a bigger issue here - Revs, your CS has telekinesis at +1. Yes, you've got the TK Strike feat but with TK at such a low level it's not going to be much use... especially in a combat situation after just taking a pretty good hit. This actually is the opposite for what you've got Yvanos doing with TK: he's got it at +4, but he doesn't have the TK Strike feat. He can pick you up and ragdoll you into a wall, but I don't think he'd be doing an invisible hadouken.

His eyes were filled with rage as he sprang into action, his dual blades swinging wildly at the Miraluka, who quickly rolled out of the way, coming to his feet and bringing up his lightsaber just in time to block the next attack.

I'm not sure that Yvanos would go into a rage at this point. He's got a point in Rage, sure, but the rest of his CS points to otherwise. Additionally, Yvanos comes to the Jar'Kai style from a Niman background - I'm not sure even dual-wielding he'd be pulling a General Grievous here.

While bleeding profusely from the forearm and suffering the thralls of pain was normally considered an unfortunate set of events. Yvanos’ current state was nothing he couldn't handle as he took control of his pain. While he could endure, it wouldn't be long until his bleeding would need to be stopped.

But there was little time for that. He was bested by a Knight which would not be tolerated. With his good arm, Yvanos reached out with the Force and with his outstretched hand he called for his Lightsabers. They would heed the call of their master as each hilt fluttered and started to levitate. Stock to stock they rotated and twisted to lock onto one another. Yvanos’ eyes sparkled as the two weapons became one and then shifted his gaze towards his foe. He could sense the anger welling up within him. He snapped his fingers and smiled as an emerald blade slid from each end of his now elongated Saberstaff. As the dual snap-hiss brought pleasure to his ears he swirled his wrist and like a conductor guiding his orchestra through a crescendo, Yvanos’ trusty old friend became a boomerang of ill intent. It moaned as it fanned out, targeting the Miraluka’s head. It gained tremendous speed rapidly. Fortunately for the Knight the only contribution it made to the battle was adding the grotesque smell of burnt hair to the venue as Revs ducked the attempt and it trailed overhead.

Yvanos tugged back with aid from the Force and his fingers curled around the smooth hilt as it finished its flight and nestled into his palm.

The theatrics grew tiresome as the Augur rolled his wrist and his blade came to rest, parallel with his back. Signs of fatigue could be seen in his stance and beads of sweat collected on his rough face. He grimaced as blood pooled at his feet. It dripped from his fingertips and made gripping anything with his dominant hand increasingly difficult.

“A Jedi can never be too careful..” Yvanos chuckled. “You got me kid..”

Revs looked on in disbelief as Yvanos disengaged his blades.

“I'm finished.” Yvanos turned his back to his enemy and closed his eyes.

“You're finished?!” Revs shouted. “You’re damn right you're finished, Inquisitor!” He added as he shuffled forward and angled his blade downward, typical of a Makashi duelist.

“You don't have what it takes to finish this.” Yvanos hissed as his pain provoked anger.

Immediately, Revs stopped dead in his tracks. What you could see of his face became blank and he foolishly disengaged his weapon.

“You see?” Yvanos turned to whisper in his ear. “You’ve already revealed to me your purpose. You had a choice and you made it. Now my friend, sleep.” He turned away “May the Force be with you.” He uttered as the Miraluka began to frantically claw at his own throat. His gasps and groans slowly faded as Yvanos simply walked away. He never looked back not even when he heard the thud of a lifeless body hit durasteel.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 5 July, 2017 5:28 AM UTC

Stock to stock they rotated and twisted to lock onto one another.

Your dossier image has your two sabers able to connect into a saberstaff. As you're at EQ4, you're allowed to have a saberstaff. However... your CS loadout is based on what items you've bought, and while you have two sabers you don't have a conversion hilt. Per the ACC guidelines - on the Wiki, discussed by the CM in reports, etc. - dossier images don't matter, the loadout on your CS snapshot does.

Alright, so now we need to talk about the ending of your post. It's incredibly unclear as written to what you're doing. What I think is going on is Yvanos is using Dominate Mind to get Revs to disengage his weapon, and then Force choked him to death. The issue is that it took me multiple times reading this and looking over your CS to figure that out. It has to be more clearly written to avoid me being taken out of the fight. Additionally, and this is a minor thing in comparison, both actions need a hand gesture as a focus. Throwing a couple of those in there might have actually clued me in a bit quicker.

Not wanting to allow his opponent a chance to catch his breath, Revs jumped forward to kick the wounded man's lightsabers away from him. It didn't take long for him to realize his mistake, as a small twinge in the Force alerted him to incoming danger. The quick Miraluka pulled his head back just in the nick of time to avoid what would have been a strong upper cut from Yvanos. The sudden change of direction and general surprise of the sudden attack caused him to trip over his own feet, dropping his own lightsaber as he fell flat on his backside.

Revs rolled to his right to avoid a kick to the head, pushing off of the ground with his hands to bring himself back up to a standing position. The injured Human stood before him with his left arm raised in front of him, his injured right arm held down by his waist. His feet were spaced about shoulder width apart seemingly rooted to the spot he stood. The young Knight smiled as he too took a similar stance, almost a mirror image of Yvanos.

The man was tired, and hurting from his injury. Revs was honestly impressed that he was still willing to continue the fight. “Wishing you just would have walked away instead trying to take me out?”

Yvanos took deep breaths in between words as he spoke, “I told you. I'm not here to kill you, or hunt any undesirables—"

“Just quit lying!” Revs screamed as he stepped in throwing a combination of right jab, left cross, and finishing up a right hook. The Human blocked two of the shots with his left arm and leaned out of range of the hook. He was, however, unable to counter with his injured right arm, and his movements were sluggish from fatigue. Seeing the slight delay in his opponent's movements, the Arconan picked up the frequency of his attacks, throwing several sets, never giving Yvanos a break. The weary man tried to keep up with the barrage, using the Force to amplify his speed to keep up with the pace. Countering Revs strikes whenever he saw on opening. Every punch, and kick he threw would only be block or miss entirly.

“You approach me in a large crowd and start threatening me!" Revs grunted as he threw a hard left cross, amplified in strength by the Force, that landed squarely on his opponent's nose. The Knight followed up with an amplified kick, slamming into Yvanos knee. The Augur grunted loudly as he fell down, grasping his leg with his good arm.

“No, if you weren't here looking for me then you would have just kept walking. Don't even try to convince me otherwise,” Revs instructed just before throwing a roundhouse kick with his right leg, connecting hard on Yvanos' head, his unconscious body falling limp to the cold, wet ground.

“And put the word out: anyone else who comes hunting me will die,” Revs spat as he turned away. He was annoyed and tired now, but he wondered if not killing the man would be a mistake. He still had a mission to complete while he was here, and he could not afford any more meaningless interruptions.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 5 July, 2017 5:42 AM UTC

The weary man tried to keep up with the barrage, using the Force to amplify his speed to keep up with the pace. Countering Revs strikes whenever he saw on opening.

The second sentence is a fragment.

Every punch, and kick he threw would only be block...

Unnecessary comma and it should be "blocked."

The Knight followed up with an amplified kick, slamming into Yvanos knee.

Yvanos'*