Knight Lucine Vasano vs. Knight blackhawk

Knight Lucine Vasano

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Sith, Seeker
vs.

Knight blackhawk

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Tarentum
Male Clawdite, Force Disciple, Marauder
Comment

Thank you both for seeing this match through to its conclusion.

This was a decent match, though a bit one sided in terms of the effort to generate a story. Blackhawk, you clearly have an understanding of the concepts and ideals of what goes into telling a story. You had plenty of cap space to work with, but you didn't utilize it. You let the opportunity go and settled for the easier path. You were clean, otherwise, and one category can make all the difference. Especially story.

Lucine, story was your strong suit. You are getting a better grasp on realism, and I really like the personality you imbue your character with. I'd love to see that explored more with custom aspects that really bring it to life. Outside of that, you have to work towards finding a "hook" that sucks your reader into the story, even with these limited word counts.

With the scores tallied, Lucine Vasano is the winner.

Good luck in your future matches.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Lucine Vasano, Knight blackhawk
Winner Knight Lucine Vasano
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Lucine Vasano's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight blackhawk's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dromund Kaas: Dark Temple Ruins
Last Post 7 July, 2017 4:37 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
blackhawk Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A few issues between your posts. Rationale: Only minor issues present.
Story - 40%
blackhawk Lucine Vasano
Score: 2 Score: 4
Rationale: There really wasn't much of anything to this match. You had a brief encounter in the first post, then a single slash and a jolt of lightning in the second. Other than that, not much happened. The personalities also weren't really explored. I could swap out the names of the combatants in the writing and get much the same event. There's nothing uniquely "them" about the characters. Rationale: You really did a good job working with the material you had, even instilling motivations from the "harder" position of the second post. Usually, first post has an advantage in this regard. I would have liked to see a bit more struggle in the first post, but what you did worked.
Realism - 25%
blackhawk Lucine Vasano
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: None that were noted. Rationale: Minor issue. Refer to the comments.
Continuity - 20%
blackhawk Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Minor issue, refer to the comments. Rationale: None that were noted.
blackhawk's Score: 3.45 Lucine Vasano's Score: 4.2
Posts

Dromund Kaas Dark Temple Ruins

Abandoned and forgotten, the ruins of the Dark Temple have slowly succumbed to the erosion of time. In the central chamber—the walls have crumbled, the ceiling has caved in, and the jungle now flourishes within the once pristine halls.

Green light filters itself through the temple, mixing eerily with the dark, violet hue of Dromund Kaas’ sky. Lightning flickers overhead, the raw energy of the Force clashing high above. The floor is overgrown with flora, large plants and grasses that have swallowed the old stone. Wild creatures roam freely, skittering away from the presence of intruders while vicious predators hide just out of sight.

The main hall is lined on both sides by towering statues, heads bowed in supplication. They stand in deference to the sculpture of a pure-blooded Sith, which towers over the chamber with outstretched arms. The sculpture has been split diagonally down the middle, as if cleaved in two by a rusted blade, but the majesty in the stone still echoes to the past.

On either side of the main hall, remnants of branches to inaccessible parts of the temple remain. One might tilt their head to take in what is left of the mezzanine—the balcony overlooking the chamber—still held aloft by the great pillars standing behind the statues. Several of the pillars have fallen, providing a pathway up to the mezzanine for those willing to take the risk for higher ground. Spirits of the Sith are rumoured to still haunt the grounds—waiting for poor, misguided fools to walk blindly into their domain.

Crack, Boom A flash of light briefly illuminated the room as Blackhawk entered. The metallic scented air seemed to crackle, the dark side of the Force haunting anyone brave enough to enter the ruins of the temple. But he was not alone. Blackhawk didn’t noticed the woman at first, perhaps because she hadn’t been there. However, another flash of light had revealed that he was, in fact, not the only one who had entered the temple.

Boom. No flash of lightning this time. When he looked back, the woman had disappeared. Must’ve been seeing things. Blackhawk thought, igniting his crimson lightsaber for illumination as he climbed a fallen pillar. Another flash of lightning revealed her again. This time, Blackhawk didn’t wait. He leapt off the pillar,igniting his second lightsaber as he descended.

“Who are you?” he demanded upon landing.

Instead of responding, the unidentified woman threw out her hand, propelling Blackhawk into a nearby pillar. Quick to recover from the surprise attack, Blackhawk advanced, his lightsabers ready.

“Who are you and what are you doing here?” Blackhawk inquired again.

“Why should I answer you?” the woman replied.

She has a point. he thought.

“Why not?” the Clawdite retorted “You’re the one who attacked me.”

“What would you do if someone appeared behind you with lightsabers in hand?” she asked.

This was growing tiresome. Blackhawk had nothing more than what he had arrived with, save for a slight headache. His blades came up again.

“If it's a fight you want, then it's a fight you'll get.” Blackhawk threatened.

Darth Renatus, 8 July, 2017 12:09 AM UTC

Syntax

Must’ve been seeing things[,] Blackhawk thought,

Should be a comma trailing the thought dialogue to "Blackhawk thought". It is much like "he said" but with thoughts instead.

you'll get[,]” Blackhawk threatened.

This is just another form of "he said", but using "threatened". You should close out the dialogue with a comma since it is a single sentence.


Story

But he was not alone. Blackhawk didn’t noticed the woman at first, perhaps because she hadn’t been there. However, another flash of light had revealed that he was, in fact, not the only one who had entered the temple.

I'm not sure how you're trying to direct the reader's "eye" here. Are only we supposed to see this, or Blackhawk too? The way you follow it up with "when he looked back" could imply both. Either he glanced there, then away, then back or he looked there for the first time.

This post was rather succinct. You put good effort into an attempt at imagery to start with, but left the portrayal of the characters at a superficial level.


Realism

Instead of responding, the unidentified woman threw out her hand, propelling Blackhawk into a nearby pillar.

Lucine has +2 Telekinesis, at that rank: With an effort of will, the Jedi can concentrate for a second to freely manipulate multiple objects of varying shapes and sizes when not under duress. Do you think you depicted that in any way? She just throws her hand out and sends him into the pillar. Much too easy for the requirements.

Lucine sighed inwardly as she observed the Clawdite's aggressive stance. In truth, she had been looking forward to this assignment. The idea of visiting Dromund Kaas intrigued her, even if it meant wasting some time searching for Pravus while she was there. She had been quite irritated when she realized that she did not have the temple to herself, and had reacted rashly. Now, the Clawdite wanted to fight. Wonderful.

I will not be able to get anything done with this fool hanging around, she thought to herself. Her eyes moved from the lightsabers to his face as she studied him carefully. Perhaps a softer touch would work. “No,” she said, her scarlet lips curved into a smile. “No, I do not want to fight.”

The Clawdite paused, taken aback by her sudden change in attitude. The lightsaber blades lowered slightly. “What?”

“I said, I do not want to fight,” Lucine said with a soft laugh. “It seems to me that we got off on the wrong foot. I am Lucine, and who might you be?”

“Blackhawk,” he offered grudgingly from behind the glowing plasma blades.

“There now, you see? Was that so hard?” The redhead purred. “And what brings you to such a forbidding place, Blackhawk?” The lightning flashed, as if to punctuate her words.

“Looking for clues about where Pravus went,” the Clawdite replied, his answer coming a bit more quickly this time.

“And are you having any luck?”

“Nah, I just got here,” Blackhawk said.

“Such a shame,” Lucine murmured. Her eyes went to his weapons once more, and she continued on before he had a chance to ask her what she was doing there. “Darling, it seems quite foolish for you to be standing there with your lightsabers activated while we are having a simple chat.” She drew upon the Force, causing it to give weight to her words.

The Clawdite frowned at her words. “I guess it's a little silly,” he replied in a sheepish tone. The plasma blades faded causing the shadows around them to deepen; broken only by the occasional bolt of lightning.

“That's better,” Lucine said. “You know, Blackhawk, it occurs to me that we have met before.”

“We have?”

“Of course! Surely you remember? As I recall, we had a lot of fun together,” Lucine’s voice took on a suggestive tone. As she spoke, she extended a thin tendril of the Force toward his mind, bearing a very pleasant memory.

Gradually, Blackhawk's look of confusion gave way to recognition and he grinned. “Oh, yeah! I can't believe I'd forgotten!”

Lucine waved a hand dismissively as she said, “Well, we have all been distracted by the recent events. I can understand how it would have slipped your mind.” She then gave him a lascivious look. “How about if you set down those lightsabers, and we can see about making some new memories? You know I am more of a lover than a fighter.”

The Clawdite narrowed his eyes as he considered her suggestion. But the redhead seemed quite harmless to him. If she tried something, he could always just call the lightsabers back to his hands. Slowly he set his weapons on the ground.

“Lovely,” Lucine said with a wicked smile. She enveloped the sabers with the Force, sending them flying off in opposite directions to be lost amid the foliage that had claimed the stone floor. “Yes, that is much better.”

Blackhawk's jaw dropped as his weapons skittered out of sight. He searched the undergrowth, but they were nowhere to be seen. With a growl of frustration, he returned his gaze to Lucine, only to realize that she had vanished.

Darth Renatus, 8 July, 2017 12:17 AM UTC

Story

You did a lot of things well here, namely with granting a deeper reason for them both being there and then the characterisations. It was almost too one sided here, however. Even though Blackhawk only has +1 Resolve, I'd've like to see a bit more struggle on his end of things to not just do whatever she says. I understand the Feat bonus to disarming him, but this applies to the rest. At least start to realize something was up. This was also a very static post. Not much movement or variety of action.


Realism

She drew upon the Force, causing it to give weight to her words.

You need some sort of gesture for Mind Trick.

She enveloped the sabers with the Force, sending them flying off in opposite directions to be lost amid the foliage that had claimed the stone floor.

Same issue that Blackhawk ran into. At +2, you need to focus and visibly concentrate for a full second to manipulate objects.

Damn it. Blackhawk never liked having his weapons taken from him. Nor was he happy about being deceived. Looking towards the foliage toward which one of his lightsabers had flown, Blackhawk thought he saw a glint during a lightning strike. Time to end this he thought as he walked toward the weapon. He had to crawl under yet another fallen pillar to get to it. That’s the moment she chose to appear again. Unfortunately, she made the same mistake most lightsaber using assassins make. She didn’t ignite the lightsaber directly into him, instead opting for an overhead strike. Blackhawk heard the weapon ignite with just enough time to lunge out of the way, the lightsaber leaving a scar on the floor where he had been.

“Unfortunate. Now I have to kill you,” Blackhawk declared, calling his lightsaber to his hand.

“Seeing as how I have you cornered,” Lucine replied “I don’t see how you’ll manage that.”

Instead of replying, Blackhawk let loose a burst of Force lightning into his enemy’s leg. As she fell to the ground in pain, Blackhawk crawled out of the cranny he had found his way into. As the woman returned to her feet, Blackhawk ignited his lightsaber. The blade sprang to life, almost like a soft fire to a distant onlooker, and a deadly blade of fiery heat and plasma to one close enough to see the weapon for what it was.

At that moment, it started to rain. Steam rose off both his and the Human’s lightsabers with a repeated hiss as raindrops evaporated on their blades. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning struck a pillar nearby, startling both combatants and sending them diving for cover. By the time Blackhawk recovered, Lucine had disappeared. However, he could feel her presence in his mind. Until next time he voice said. Blackhawk was dissatisfied with the result, but it was probably safe to assume that dehydration, starvation, or some other natural cause would kill him before he found her again.

Darth Renatus, 8 July, 2017 12:22 AM UTC

Syntax

Looking towards the foliage toward which one of his lightsabers had flown

Unnecessary repetition of "toward" that doesn't enhance the story.

Time to end this[,] he thought

You need the comma to separate the thoughts.

Until next time[,] [the] voice said.

You need a comma and "the" instead of "he".


Story

Blackhawk was dissatisfied with the result

So were the readers, honestly. You had a lot of cap space to work with to tell an interesting story. Your opponent isn't a fighter. Not really. She relies on tricks. Your character is built around the actual fight. You should have embraced that challenge and really gone for it. Truly a missed opportunity here.

it was probably safe to assume that dehydration, starvation, or some other natural cause would kill him before he found her again.

Why's that?


Continuity

Blackhawk crawled out of the cranny he had found his way into.

When did that happen? When he lunged out of the way?

“Where are you? Show yourself!” Blackhawk roared. He extended his senses, searching for the redhead, but the encroaching wildlife made it impossible to determine her location. With a growl of frustration, he recovered his lightsabers and stalked toward the sundered statue in the back of the temple. Perhaps she was hiding back there.

Behind him, Lucine leaned out from behind one of the statues to watch the Clawdite storm away from her. She grinned wickedly and concentrated upon a spot behind one of the columns near him. Drawing upon the Force, she waved a hand toward him.

Blackhawk paused, his eyes narrowed and his head tilted slightly. Was that...? Yes, those were most certainly the sound of footsteps creeping through the underbrush beneath the mezzanine. He turned his head, pretending to peer behind a pile of rubble as he pinpointed the location of the sound. When he was certain of where she was, he focused all of his anger upon that spot and pushed. The pillar splintered from the force of the blow, sending rock shards flying.

There were no cries of pain, or any other indication that she was wounded; but he did hear her footsteps moving hurridly toward another pillar. Grinding his teeth, he drew upon his rage and struck at her again. Cracks spread like spider-webs along stone. Straining his ears, he could hear the sound of the footsteps continuing forward.

“All right. You want to play hide and seek? Then how about this?!” Blackhawk snarled. He spread his arms wide. Darkness coalesced around him and rapidly spread to engulf the area.

The Clawdite could not help but grin as he turned his concentration away from the darkness; the short period of time that it would remain would be all he needed. His lightsabers sprang into existence with a snap-hiss and he leaped forward to strike his prey down. But his victorious smile quickly vanished as the blades passed directly through the spot the sounds had been coming from, instead shearing through the column in front of him.

Pulling his weapons free with a curse, he listened once more for the tell-tale footsteps. But it was the sound of cracking stone that drew his attention. The pillars gave way, unable to stand the weight they bore after the Clawdite's assault. He tried to dive out from under the mezzanine as it toppled, showering stone down upon him.

Meanwhile, the Arconan raised an eyebrow as she heard the roar of tumbling stone coming from the direction of her foe. She looked in time to see the darkness fade away, revealing Blackhawk's still form half-buried beneath the rubble. He was either unconscious or dead; she had no intention of getting close enough to find out which.

She allowed her gaze to travel longingly to the broken statue of the pure-blooded Sith. Much as she wanted to stay and look around, she did not want to be there when the Clawdite woke up. With a heavy sigh, she turned and strode back in the direction she came. Someday she would return, and hopefully she would not have to deal with any irritating distractions when she did.

Darth Renatus, 8 July, 2017 12:30 AM UTC

Syntax

Behind him, Lucine leaned out from behind one of the statues

Unneeded repetition of "behind" that doesn't enhance the story.


Story

When he was certain of where she was, he focused all of his anger upon that spot and pushed. The pillar splintered from the force of the blow, sending rock shards flying.

Unclear if this is Amplification or Telekinesis.

All around, this was a good conclusion to the fight that plays into the Aspects of the characters. You kept things interesting without much back and forth outside of the trickery and Blackhawk's attacks. Good job.