Battlemaster Abadeer Taasii vs. Knight Lucine Vasano

Battlemaster Abadeer Taasii

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Togruta, Sith, Marauder
vs.

Knight Lucine Vasano

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Sith, Seeker
Comment

Greetings,

Thank you for your participation in the ACC Phase I event of GJWXII! I enjoyed reading your battle, and I found the conflicting styles of the characters interesting and overall well written by both writers. Ultimately, this battle came down to the Story category, where I felt that one author had a more complete offering. Here, Lucine wrote an entertaining and engaging story from start to finish. Abadeer started strong, but towards the end, his final post just felt a little rushed. Additional comments are available in the score comments and on posts. Additionally, Lucine had an additional major hit to realism due to the falling panel that, while well done from a story perspective, seems a stretch given Abadeer's character as it ignored a Force Power and a Feat. Abadeer had a more minor realism hit from overplayng one of Lucine's powers. Abadeer had minor syntax issues, but these ultimately made no difference in the final score. Despite the flaws I highlight, I did really enjoy these posts overall. I am happy to offer additional feedback or comments by Telegram or email as time permits.

Thank you both again,

~Mav

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Abadeer Taasii, Knight Lucine Vasano
Winner Knight Lucine Vasano
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Abadeer Taasii's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Lucine Vasano's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Jakku: Fallen Starship
Last Post 6 July, 2017 12:28 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Abadeer Taasii Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Minor syntax issues noted above, such as a minor comma issue, a little repetition, and incorrect word choice. Rationale: No issues noted.
Story - 40%
Abadeer Taasii Lucine Vasano
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Well done in your first post overall, where combat is detailed and interesting. Your second post starts strong, but falls completely flat towards the end. I liked the usage of Illusion to disorient and confuse Abadeer but the last few paragraphs felt extremely rushed and unsatisfying as a reader, with sections containing little description or seemingly throwaway elements. Rationale: Overall a strong story offering with a good usage of the venue. The battle was enjoyable to read. One minor flaw, relating to combat. Your introductory post sets the reason for the fight up quite well, but spends little time on combat itself; in and of itself this is not an issue as you have a whole second post. However, the second post focuses on the set up of the TK scene alone, resulting in very little combat across the entirety of the battle. At the same time, the ingenuity you show with set up in the final post made this entertaining. In future posts, try to incorporate more actual combat between the two combatants into the second post if your first post has relatively little. I know it can be hard given the word cap here, and a good job despite that.
Realism - 25%
Abadeer Taasii Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: While the use of Illusion in the final post was cool from a story perspective, it seems to have been used from a distance and with precision placement as Abadeer continues to chase the Illusions, but this is an unrealistic use of the power given character's locations and other powers at play. Rationale: One major error noticed: Abadeer is killed by the falling plate without any indication he attempted to escape. This is problematic because he has Precognition +4 and Lightning Reflexes. Although one might believe the character Abadeer would be so focused on tormenting Lucine he did not move out of the way in time, this is not indicated at all.
Continuity - 20%
Abadeer Taasii Lucine Vasano
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues Rationale: No issues.
Abadeer Taasii's Score: 3.8 Lucine Vasano's Score: 4.1
Posts

Jakku Fallen Starship

A year after the destruction of the second Death Star in the celebrated Battle of Endor, another war was waged between the New Republic and Galactic Empire. Basking beneath the desert sun of Jakku rests the remnants of this hostility. Shifting sands have since buried and uncovered countless treasures and relics- to the delight of scavengers eager who hope to recover tokens from either side of the conflict!

The harsh desert offers little shelter from the elements, remaining barren and flat against the imposing backdrop of a fallen Star Destroyer that was left uncovered after the famed Battle of Jakku. Rather than allowing the vessel to fall into the hands of the Republic after the self-destruct had been sabotaged, Captain Ciena Ree ordered the Inflictor evacuated and sent it crashing to the planet’s surface. Sunken into the shifting desert sea, the upper portion of the Inflictor’s hull and exhaust ports remain otherwise intact, preserved amidst the rubble of untold casualties that had once occurred on both sides. Although it has been scoured by the passing of several sandstorms, it still displays the former power and might of the Galactic Empire.

Fallen Starship

Innumerous scraps of metal and machines of war share the same grave, echoing the lives of those who fought and died among the perilous wastes. Hundreds of these relics sit untouched, lingering amidst the ghosts that tend and reside in Jakku’s graveyard.

“I hate sand. I deplore sand. I despise sand,” Lucine muttered to herself as she trudged up yet another dune. She did not think she had asked for much. All she wanted was for her next assignment to be on a tropical planet; maybe near a nice beach. But alas, it was not to be. At least Zujenia had endeavored not to smile when she gave her the coordinates. “It's not exactly a beach, but it has beach-like qualities,” the Aedile had said.

Zuji had neglected to mention that the 'beach-like qualities' were a blazing hot sun and a truly obscene amount of sand.

“I abhor sand. I loathe sand,” the redhead continued in what was quickly becoming a mantra.

At last she reached the top of the dune and surveyed the wreckage of the starship below. Somewhere down there she would find her objective, an Inquisitorius drop site that hopefully contained clues about Pravus' whereabouts. Once she retrieved it, she could get off of this miserable dust ball of a planet. Just in time, too. I was beginning to run out of verbs, she thought to herself.

Twisted metal and debris lay scattered around the ruins of the ship. Lucine wove a circuitous path through the detritus until she heard her datapad ping to indicate she had arrived at the location Zuji had given her. It took some digging, but she finally managed to find what she sought. Eagerly, she opened the small metal box to reveal—

Nothing.

The cache was empty. Lucine grimaced in irritation, letting the box drop from her hands. She retrieved her datapad and double-checked the coordinates, but she was in the correct location. So it was all a waste of time, she thought disgustedly.

It was then that she realized that there was another Force-user nearby. Narrowing her eyes, she turned to see a Togruta standing upon the dune, watching her. There were not many reasons for anyone to be in such a desolate location, so she had to assume he was here for the cache as well. But was he friend or foe?

“Are you here for the sight-seeing?” she called up to him, putting her datapad away and wrapping her fingers around the hilt of her lightsaber.

The Togruta slid down the embankment, effortlessly keeping his balance as he did so. When he arrived at the bottom of the dune, he replied, “No. I'm here for the cache.”

Lucine studied him, trying to assess his threat level. Despite his montrals, he was not overly tall, and he had angular features that she might have found handsome if the circumstances were different. Despite the blazing sun overhead, he wore dark robes that marked him as an Equite. The fact that he was marching through the desert in that outfit meant he was either tough, stupid, or both. “Well then, I am afraid you are out of luck. Someone already cleaned it out.” Lucine kicked the empty metal box toward him.

The Equite's dark eyes flicked down toward the box, then back at her. “You've been out in the sun too long if you think I'm going to buy that. Give me the datapad you just pocketed.”

“Why would I do that?”

“It’s obvious that you took it from the cache and I'm not going back empty-handed.” To punctuate his words, he reached down and unclipped his lightsabers from his belt.

“Now, now, we are all friends here,” Lucine said, drawing upon the Force to add weight to her words. “You do not want to fight me.”

The Togruta's cocky smile faded slightly as her suggestion touched his mind. His response came in the form of twin red plasma blades to flaring to life. “Last chance to hand it over.”

Lucine tsked under her breath. The last thing she wanted was a fight, but the datapad had been a gift from Atyiru. She would not simply hand it over. “Sorry, darling. You are not taking it from me,” the Arconan replied.

The Equite charged, covering the distance before bringing both lightsabers down in a devastating overhead strike. Lucine's weapon ignited and she brought it up to block the attack. The strength of the blow caused her to stumble back a few steps.

He followed his initial attack with a rapid series of strikes. Lucine fell into the Force, allowing it to guide her in her defense, but she quickly found herself struggling to keep up with his strong, rapid-fire blows.

Flashes of crimson and blue crashed together in an elegant dance. Abadeer was enjoying his fight, maybe a little bit too much. Ever since becoming Proconsul, he’d found significantly less time to get out on assignments. So when he got the chance to indulge in some one-on-one combat, he savored every minute of it.

The battle had nearly ended before it began though. The Equite’s heavy offense had nearly ripped through Lucine’s defense on the first strike. She’d started with a one handed defense, which had no chance standing up to Abadeer’s Force fueled attacks.

Taasii was determined to keep in combat though. If he could keep her focus here, she wouldn’t be able to try and toy with his mind again. He was fortunate he’d been recently training his mind. Becoming subordinate to one of the most powerful users of mental Force tactics necessitated one to garner some defenses in that area. This was the portion of the fight that Abadeer most enjoyed though. He would press the attack, push his opponent’s defenses and learn everything about them in their movements and reaction.

Abadeer was confident the woman was trained similarly in mental abilities to his Dreadlord, but the red-headed Sith was not particularly physically impressive. Her movements were precise, her form nearly flawless, but there lacked a certain amount of strength and speed behind the motions. The Togruta would have about every third attack blocked with shaky arms, with the remaining attacks barely dodged. Abadeer almost felt pity for the woman. Almost.

Confident in the outcome of the duel, Abadeer decided to test just how far he could push himself in mental combat. He’d long ago stopped focussing on fueling his strikes with the Force, finding it totally unnecessary. Now he opened himself up to the Force once again, this time bearing all of his intent on Lucine. He twisted and changed the energy into a dark miasma, tainting it into an aura of darkness, fueled by his own fear and anger.

The effects were slow, but as Lucine continued to defend herself she could feel something ominous creeping at her senses. She shook her head, trying to push off the effects. The Togruta stalked towards her, seeming more intimidating now than he had before. Would he kill her? Could she survive this encounter? The thoughts were base and primal. Vasano heard her breathing increase rapidly, felt her heartbeat banging in her ears. The Arconan’s eyes began to dart around, looking for anything that would save her. They rested on the downed Star Destroyer. Without a moment of hesitation, Lucine sprinted towards the wreckage. I have to get away! I have to live!

Abadeer slowly strode behind the fleeing woman. The fear and terror is easier to induce when the subject has something previously to be afraid of, Taasii thought to himself. He was still learning to perfect the use of his terror inducing abilities. A dark grin enveloped his face, his dark eyes glinting with malicious intent.

“Let the chase begin,” Abadeer growled to himself as he watched the last sight of flowing red hair disappear into the carcass of the ship.

Telaris "Mav" Cantor, 9 July, 2017 1:21 AM UTC

So when he got the chance to indulge in some one-on-one combat, he savored every minute of it.

Need a comma here because so is followed by a parenthetical expression

The effects were slow, but as Lucine continued to defend herself she could feel something ominous creeping at her senses.

Good job with accounting for Lucine’s resolve.

The Togruta stalked towards her, seeming more intimidating now than he had before.

Positioning here is a little confusing – the two had seemed locked in a lightsaber battle just moments b before, close enough that it doesn’t seem he would have much room to stalk towards her.

A dark grin enveloped his face, his dark eyes glinting with malicious intent.

This is a little repetitive.

Lucine scrambled over the twisted metal and plunged into the ship; only then did she risk a glance back at her foe. The Togruta was moving toward the ship at a slow, almost leisurely pace. He is toying with me. The thought stoked the fires of her temper, melting some of the icy tendrils of fear.

Forcing herself to take deep breaths, she examined her surroundings. Holes in the ship's plating allowed sunlight to stream in, cutting through the darkness to illuminate the cavernous room. Judging by the twisted remains of the landspeeders that were scattered about, this had once been a vehicle docking bay. There were no clear exits from the room.

She pictured the Togruta once more, stalking toward the ship, a cruel smile playing upon his lips. He is toying with me, she thought again. At last the fear fell away, replaced by rage. He will pay for this.

But she did not have much time. Once more she scanned her surroundings, searching for anything she could use to defend herself. She noticed a heavy-looking duralloy plate near the ceiling. The crash had torn it free, and now it hung suspended by a few fraying cables. As she made note of the panel's jagged edges, the beginnings of an idea began to shape.

Hastily, she hid her datapad amid the debris of a nearby landspeeder. Snatching up a blackened piece of metal that was of a similar size and shape to the datapad, she shoved it into the protective case and tucked it into her cloak. Even if this did not work, she would not give him the satisfaction of stealing one of her most beloved possessions.

A shadow appeared in the hole Lucine had come in through. She reached down to rest her hand upon her blaster and waited. The Togruta stepped through the hole, his eyes landing on her almost immediately. “You're not even going to try to hide?” he asked as he advanced upon her.

Lucine shrugged. “I do not see much point in delaying the inevitable.” Reaching into her cloak, she withdrew the datapad case and tossed it a few meters in front of her.

The Equite glanced at the case, before looking up at her suspiciously. “You're giving up?”

Lucine considered how much closer she needed him to be for what she planned to work, and decided that he was close enough. “No. Not really,” she said as she drew her blaster and fired a shot. The Togruta's lightsabers flared to life, and he blocked the blaster bolt with a sneer. Hastily she changed targets, shooting the datapad case twice. “As I said, you will not have it.”

The Equite tsked and shook his head in annoyance. “That wasn't smart. Now I've got no reason to let you live.” A look of concentration crossed his face as he added, “You really should have been more cooperative.”

She once again felt icy tendrils of fear brush against her mind. “No,” she whimpered. Reaching out, she found the panel and enveloped it with the Force. She pulled, trying to bring it down on the Togruta.

A few of the cables snapped, but the panel remained in place.

“No!” she wailed as she felt panic begin to take hold of her mind. Though it took all of her concentration, she channeled as much of her fear and anger as she could and once again pulled.

Fear overcame cogent thought. She sank to her knees, covering her face and sobbing softly. Her heart was hammering so loudly in her ears that she was convinced it would give out at any moment. She was so overcome with horror that she almost did not hear the sickening whud-crunch that came from a few feet away.

Gradually the terror abated, though it took several minutes for her to work up the courage to look. The heavy panel had struck the Togruta in the chest, nearly cutting him in two. He lay unmoving in a spreading pool of blood, his eyes staring blankly into space.

Lucine shuddered at the gory sight and hastily averted her eyes. She hurriedly retrieved her datapad and fled the ship. Exhaustion and the final vestiges of fear weighed heavily on her mind; she was no longer bothered by the sand.

Telaris "Mav" Cantor, 9 July, 2017 1:24 AM UTC

He is toying with me. The thought stoked the fires of her temper, melting some of the icy tendrils of fear.

Nice job describing a character shaking off Terror here and a little later.

She noticed a heavy-looking duralloy plate near the ceiling.

Good usage of the venue and plays to Lucine's aspects. Good job.

No!” she wailed as she felt panic begin to take hold of her mind. Though it took all of her concentration, she channeled as much of her fear and anger as she could and once again pulled.

This is well done. One might imagine that Lucine should actually be more equipped to deal with the Terror now – and instead, she channels the fear it generates into her TK, but then succumbs to the Terror because of it. Very nice.

The heavy panel had struck the Togruta in the chest, nearly cutting him in two. He lay unmoving in a spreading pool of blood, his eyes staring blankly into space.

Abadeer has precognition +4 and lightning reflexes, and although undoubtedly focused on Lucine, Precognition would still provide some warning. Perhaps he might not react in time, but even that seems a little unlikely, and must be written as such if that was the intent.

Although well written and interesting, as a whole the battle is a little light on action/combat between the two characters. It would be possible to reduce some of the introductory details in this post primarily (and some from the first) without any loss in relative strength and clarity of the story, which would allow for a bit more action. Still, this was quite good despite that.

Abadeer was standing in an open area of the ship, watching and waiting. He was opening himself up to the Force, honing his ability to sense life forces around him. Lucine’s fear had driven her into the ship, and Taasii had not pursued quickly enough to be able to track her conventionally. She was still close though, he could feel it.

She was definitely calmed down, he could sense, his induced terror could only last for so long. Maybe she can see me? Maybe she’s waiting to strike? The Plagueian couldn’t be sure. He turned slowly in circles, attempting to peer into the darkness, hoping to catch a glimpse of his prey. There! He saw a blur of motion off in the distance. Abadeer dashed off as quietly as he could right towards the motion.

As he ran, the Togruta could sense something awry, but struggled to identify exactly what it was. He sprinted now, catching only brief glances of motion. A shift of sand here, a brief glimpse of red hair disappearing behind structures there. The Equite was descending farther and farther into the ship’s insides. Where was she going? Then Abadeer realized, regardless of where he saw the motion, he was not sensing any living presence coming from that direction. She’d beguiled his senses, led him on a wild marlello duck chase.

Rage filled the Sith, coursing through his veins, fueling him. He tilted back his head and let out a primal roar. There was no time to run back the way he’d come, he needed a more immediate exit. Abadeer ran to nearest portion of the hull of the ship. Reaching out with the Force, he gripped the metal structure and began trying to pull it apart. Normally this may not have been a feat possible for the Togruta, but with rage fueling him and the structure already weakened he was able to pull apart the hull. There was another primal roar let out as he tore a hole large enough for him to crawl through.

Abadeer released his hold on the Force, now being physically punished for the effort exerted. He rushed back out into the desert sun, glancing back to the aft portion of the ship. He started running, as quickly as what was possible through the sand. Each foot fall left him sinking half his foot into the dune, which was immediately ripped back out for the next step. It took a minute to run up the hill, landing him back where the initial conflict had begun. She wasn’t here, he spun around searching for any sign of her. Though he knew his ability to utilize the Force was rapidly diminishing, he cast out his mind once again to search for her presence. There was something, it was hard to make out, on the next rise over where his own ship was landed. She’s trying to run for it, taking my ship!

A string of profanities ran through Abadeer’s mind as he again raced up another sand dune. His efforts were visibly slower this time, his breathing more rapid and ragged. The Togruta crested the dune, one hand on his knee as he tried to catch his breath. And there she was, sitting in his cockpit, fumbling with controls it seemed she didn’t understand. Abadeer’s emotions of hate and rage swelled yet again, pushing him forward through the exhaustion. He dashed towards the star fighter, holding a single lightsaber in his right hand. About five feet from the ship, he leapt on top of the fighter. He heard a gasp from inside as he landed.

“Get out of my ship!” Abadeer roared commandingly. His lightsaber extended back behind him in a blur of motion before descending even faster right into the ship. He knew he was going to damage his ship, but at this point the hatred blinded him to that simple reasoning. The blade easily melted through the glass dome of his ship, narrowly missing Lucine’s head. There was a panicked look on her face, she drew out her own saber in response, attempting to defend herself. The cramped quarters were too much though, Abadeer’s second blow plunged right through her chest. He rolled off the side of the fighter completely drained, crumbling to the ground in a heap. His revenge had been dished out, the datapad was his, but now how was he getting off this desolate planet?

Telaris "Mav" Cantor, 9 July, 2017 2:53 PM UTC

She’d beguiled his senses, led him on a wild marlello duck chase.

This is well-written and interesting, but a bit of an overplay on Lucine’s abilities. Lucine would have trouble placing Illusions so perfectly that far away from where she was, as she would need to be able to know where to place them. Sense could give her an idea where Abadeer is, but she is not yet talented enough with Sense to be able to detect the details of Abadeer’s location so well as to place Illusions in his thoughts at these precise places from a distance as described.

Abadeer released his hold on the Force, now being physically punished for the effort exerted.

Punished how? There is no description here as to how he was punished here.

She wasn’t here.

Should be there.

Overall this ending feels rushed - when introducing elements to a post (like a ship), they seem throwaway when there is nothing remarkable detailed about them. I understand that given post length restrictions it can be difficult to do "everything", but a simpler ending here may have sufficed.