Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj vs. Seer Kordath Bleu

Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Female Human, Sith, Shadow, Krath
vs.

Seer Kordath Bleu

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Ryn, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
Comment

Thank you both for taking the time to finish this battle.

I put the brunt of my feedback in the rationale and the comments, but I can summarize here. The pacing of this match was skewed from the beginning. The biggest harm came from not even getting to the actual venue until the last sentence or two of the first post. There was no action to begin with, and then the second post didn't start with any either. What little activity did happen was mostly static and not very engaging.

I would have liked to see a lot more, especially since there was a lot of bad blood hinted at in the narrative that was never truly capitalized on.

With the scores tallied, Kordath Bleu is the winner.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj, Seer Kordath Bleu
Winner Seer Kordath Bleu
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Seer Kordath Bleu's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Coruscant: Level 1313
Last Post 7 July, 2017 6:57 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
General Stres'tron'garmis Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Only a few issues that were apparent. Rationale: Not everything was highlighted, but you had enough repeated errors and structural problems to bring this down.
Story - 40%
General Stres'tron'garmis Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: You put forth a good effort, but this match was far too static and you retread a lot of ground trying to set up motivations. It didn't quite work and it hurt your pacing. You could have gone for the gusto, but what you did was sufficient for your purposes, I suppose. Rationale: The biggest problems you had were a result of the structure you employed. Sentences and dialogue were broken up strangely and it wasn't always clear what was going on. In a 2+2 format, the first post should be almost half action and half setup. That wasn't the case here. It was, by and large, a missed opportunity from start to finish.
Realism - 25%
General Stres'tron'garmis Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Nothing that I noted. Rationale: Some minor notes.
Continuity - 20%
General Stres'tron'garmis Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Wrong hair color in your post. Rationale: Nothing that stood out.
General Stres'tron'garmis's Score: 3.85 Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj's Score: 3.25
Posts

Coruscant Level 1313

So named because it is located one thousand, three hundred, and thirteen levels from the core of Coruscant, Level 1313 is distanced from the politics of the upper levels. Overlooking the chasm burrowing further into Coruscant’s core, one can watch freighters transporting their illicit cargo between levels. One misstep would send the careless careening into the bottomless pit, or aid the local gangs in staging “accidents.”

Weathered duracrete forms the retainer along the chasm wall, built in concentric rings that descend down an untold height. Strengthened with solid durasteel braces, maintenance has not been needed this far into Coruscant for a long time. Nevertheless, droids pre-programmed to fill in the cracks and crevices that might form in the walls float on repulsorlifts without drawing attention from the criminal gangs; themselves, being focused on their next smuggling operation or struggle for control over Coruscant’s scum-filled underbelly.

A loud guffawing laughter echoed in a burnt out room in the shell of a disused building.

“Forgive me, Miss,” uttered the senior male, trying to compose himself.

“That's the daftest theory I ever heard!”

“Silence!” barked the undercover female.

“Make with the pleasantries, and tell me where I will find him!”

The officer was still trying not to burst into laughter again.

“Right...so to make sure I have this straight...you think the person you’re looking for is part of the reason why this ‘Jac’ you speak of became a traitor?” He queried.

“Yes,” Kooki sighed and nodded.

“Because ‘Jac’ wanted inside information on a former Arconan working for him? And wanted to test her loyalty or hurt her as badly as he could if necessary?” questioned the stranger.

“Yes,” Kooki sighed and nodded, starting to lose her patience.

“And ‘Jac’ has heard rumours that this Arconan male you seek had previously upset her by harming her chlildren?” asked the unknown male, still sniggering. “Yes,” Kooki sighed and nodded a third time.

She leant over the small wooden desk and moved her face to be within a few inches from this rather irritating male. “Now...WHERE IS HE?” she yelled.

“Why should I tell the likes of you?” retaliated the officer.

“Because you want to tell me,” replied a calmer Sith, moving her hand slightly.

“I want to tell you,” came a robotic reply.

“The local cantina. But not quite as you'd expect. That’s all I shall say.” The man disclosed, hoping that his undercover worker would not be discovered easily.

“Finally.” Kooki boomed, sarcastically.

She left the unusual location flicking her newly acquired red hair over her shoulders.

“Ryn. She's onto you. Let me know when you get this.” The officer whispered into his comlink.

He sat there grinning smugly, yet slightly nervous his agent wouldn’t get the message in time.

All he could do was sit and wait.

---x---

Kooki heaved a heavy sigh. She hadn't seen Kordath since her twins had been snatched when under the ironic ‘watchful eyes’ of Atyiru. Still very bitter she knew she could spot her enemy instantly and prepared to face him.

Upon entering, the bustling environment instilled doubt in the Alderaanian’s mind. She needed a drink.

“What'll it be, Miss?” mumbled a bartender.

Kooki looked up, dreading the task ahead.

Their eyes met.

“YOU!” Kooki blurted.

The barkeep-disguised Ryn began to realise.

“Out back. NOW.” He hissed.

“Oh no.” Teased Kooki.

“We are going down...way down...”

Kordath swallowed hard.

Leaning into her enemy's ear, “Level 1313 here we come,” she hissed.

---x---

Kooki looked around. She quite liked the precariousness and uncertainty of the environment her and her enemy found themselves in.

The feisty Alderaanian wasted no time and swiftly engaged her amethyst blade and held it out in front of her.

“Come on then, rat boy! Let’s see what you're capable of!” She hissed.

Darth Renatus, 8 July, 2017 3:09 AM UTC

Syntax

“Forgive me, Miss,” uttered the senior male, trying to compose himself.

“That's the daftest theory I ever heard!”

“Silence!” barked the undercover female.

I've re-read this section a couple times trying to decide if the first two dialogue are meant to be from the same person. If it is, it shouldn't have its own separate line.

“And ‘Jac’ has heard rumours that this Arconan male you seek had previously upset her by harming her chlildren?” asked the unknown male, still sniggering. “Yes,” Kooki sighed and nodded a third time.

Other than the typo of "children", you shouldn't have two different speakers having dialogue in the same paragraph. Should be split up.

you get this.” The officer whispered

This should be a comma and lower case on "the". You do this several times for the remainder of the dialogue.

Still very bitter she knew she could

This should have a comma after "bitter".


Story

“Level 1313 here we come,” she hissed.

This is where you should have been for the majority of the match, if not the entirety of it. It took you 437 words to get there.

Other than that, there isn't much story here. You have dialogue. A lot of it. Then you pop into the actual venue and draw your saber. There is no combat and barely any conflict to speak of. It's a wasted opportunity with a first post. You could have set up the motivations completely and then told the story of the fight. Instead, you just commit to a bunch of dialogue that leads into where you should have started from.


Realism

She left the unusual location flicking her newly acquired red hair over her shoulders.

Your Loadout doesn't have any sort of disguise on it, so I can only go by your Physical Description which is very much not red hair.

Kordath made no move to defend himself, not even drawing the dagger that could stand up to the saber blade threatening him. Instead, he stared with his gray eyes, keeping his face impassive while dredging up every cloudy, booze soaked memory he had of the unbalanced woman before him. She'd been snooty back in Arcona, a typical noblewoman who considered herself superior in what little interaction the two of them had suffered through. Her marrying a man that had come from the same organization that had blown her karking planet into floating rocks had been a bit tip off on how messed up she really was. He hadn't a clue why she was here or why she was trying to force him into an engagement.

Pushing out with his senses, fueled by the Force and honed by training, he found the area mostly empty. A fading sense of alarm, likely caused by the distinct sound of a lightsaber coming to life, had driven many of the lowlifes that called this level home scurrying. He should be doing the same, he knew, but morbid curiosity kept him in place. A quick glance over of the immediate area she'd brought him to showed stacks of cargo containers, likely with false customs marks upon them, all around.

Well, we've got options at least, he thought, a slight smirk breaking through.

“What's funny, rodent? Defend yourself! Make this somewhat entertaining for me,” she spoke, breaking into his thoughts with a curled lip of disdain.

“Well, hate ta leave a lady unfulfilled,” spoke the Ryn, with a mocking half bow that moved his left hand behind his back. While there it grasped a flash grenade, twisting it into the sleeve of his coat and held there by bending his wrist as he straightened. More obviously, he set a hand on his belt, near the spooled cable and hook that hung there. “Would love ta know what yer issue wit me is, though. Never cared much fer ya, nor you fer me, but I do nae think I ever did nothin’ deservin’ o’ this.”

The woman's eyebrow twitched as her eyes narrowed, “You have information, why Jac betrayed us, what twisted him against Taldryan!”

Kord gaped at her. “Yer bloody mad, lass, I do nae know what yer on about.”

She snarled and pulled her weapon back, holding it point forward and parallel above her head. The amethyst blade began a spinning swing, going back and coming up from below in an attempt to slash across the Ryn's midsection. The telegraphed attack was easily avoided by the nimble Arconan, much to her chagrin. Her eyes widened as he hopped back further, and a warning flared up from the Force, drawing her gaze down to a small, black canister he'd dropped. She jumped back, throwing her free-hand over her eyes as the flash grenade exploded in a burst of light and sound.

Kordath, in his retreat from his own grenade, had scuttled behind one of the cargo containers, squeezing his eyes shut just in time to see a brilliant flash of light through his eyelids. Doing his best to ignore that, he drew on the Force and channeled the energies to dampen his sense of hearing, dulling everything to a low roar as the shockwave washed over his cover. A few shuddering breaths later he stood, looking over to where Kooki was struggling to stay upright, and decided that getting out was a good idea. He had a feeling she'd get over it pretty quickly as he pulled the grapple hook from his belt, spinning it a few times before throwing it up towards the top of a container stack.

The Ryn, despite his best efforts, still felt a bit woozy from the flash grenade’s shockwave as he began climbing. As he ascended he heard a cry of anger below and behind him. A glance over his shoulder showed the dark-haired Sith putting her saber hilt away and drawing the blaster from her boot.

Ah, kark me, thought the Quaestor.

Darth Renatus, 8 July, 2017 3:18 AM UTC

Syntax

had been a bit tip off

Should be "big".


Story

You tried hard to give some depth to your character here and in the process hurt the flow. You spent half your post setting up the fight as if it were the first post of the match and then got into it. While you had some good imagery, this is the second post and we should be in the thick of the action, not just getting a taste.


Continuity

showed the dark-haired Sith putting her saber hilt

She gave herself red hair in the first post.

Kooki was not one to easily be defeated. Certainly not by a pathetic grenade. This determination combined with her inner anger and bitterness towards the Arconan she was battling with could result in some nasty repercussions.

Not waiting for her opponent to say anything else, the female took aim with her blaster. Kooki lined up her weapon level with Kordath’s shoulder. Upon noticing this, he ducked away sluggishly behind the cargo container once again.

“Come out and fight me, rat boy. Are you a man or a mouse?” she teased.

Her enemy was not wanting to be seen as a coward, so he carefully edged out. Suddenly a blaster bolt hurled through the air and narrowly missed the side of Kordath’s head. He hid back as the air rushed past his earlobe.

“Or is it only young girls you’re interested in?” Kooki hissed.

At that point, the Ryn charged out.

“What the frak you on about now, Miss?” he asked in a very hostile tone.

“You know exactly what I am on about, Bleu.” the Alderaanian retorted.

“Care to refresh my memory?” Kordath enquired, slightly cheekily.

Refresh your memory, indeed! Thought Kooki.

“My twins! You and that blind one almost had them killed,” the enraged mother snapped.

“Oh that,” her opponent stated coolly.

“Yes that.” she yelled.

Without hesitating, Kooki tucked her blaster hastily and retrieved her lightsaber hilt. With a sharp snap and a hiss, her purple blade was soon arming the powerful woman.

A few sweeps of her lightsaber were enough to cause her foe to stumble backwards a few times.

“Not quite your style, is it rat boy?” tormented Kooki.

He refused to answer his feisty opponent.

Kordath failed to notice the wooden planks by his feet and he missed his footing and fell over backwards.

The male Krath had hit his head nastily and was drifting in and out of consciousness. Kooki disengaged her lightsaber and put her hilt back on her side. She bent down to be level with his face. Fear filled his eyes and his eyelids began to close.

Kooki scrabbled about next to her and spotted a scrap measure of wire and promptly tied up Kordath’s feet, causing him to be unable to move.

“What...is...this?” he stuttered.

“A trap. A MOUSE trap. Rather fitting don’t you think, rat boy.” Kooki yelled.

Kordath closed his eyes.

“For Poppy and Etty,” stated Kooki with a smirk.

She rose to her feet.

She began walking away from the scene.

Crimson fluid began dripping from the body clinging to life.

Footprints of the same colour, fading as they got further away began to appear, then disappear.

Darth Renatus, 8 July, 2017 3:42 AM UTC

Syntax

about, Bleu.” the Alderaanian retorted.

Should be a comma.

indeed! Thought Kooki.

You can technically use the exclamation point to close out here, but it still wouldn't result in a capital on "thought". It's pretty much the same as verbal dialogue.


Story

She rose to her feet.

She began walking away from the scene.

Crimson fluid began dripping from the body clinging to life.

Footprints of the same colour, fading as they got further away began to appear, then disappear.

This is both syntax and story here. You do this alot, breaking up your sentences into single sentence paragraphs. Then, in terms of story, I'm just not sure what this last sentence is trying to do.


Realism

Kordath failed to notice the wooden planks by his feet and he missed his footing and fell over backwards.

The male Krath had hit his head nastily and was drifting in and out of consciousness.

Even if he missed it, Kord has +4 Athletics. He'd be able to partially recover, at least enough to not knock himself out.

Scarlet energy bolts left burning pits in the container near Kord's head, splashing sparks and metal debris across his coat and face. He hissed in pain and continued to climb, trusting in the Force, and luck, to see him through. With a mad scramble he pulled himself over the edge of the topmost cargo container and lay there, breathing heavily from both exertion and relief.

A moment later, he poked his head over the edge of the container, the Force promptly telling him to jerk back as a bolt flashed through where he'd been. Bleu yelped and patted at his hair where it had been scorched by the near miss.

“Crazy karkin’ schutta!” he screamed, holding his head.

A reply was shouted from below, “That's no way to speak to a Lady, you little reprobate! Now get down here and face me like a man, you coward. I know what you did, what machinations you were involved in Jac's actions against us!”

“Well I bloody well don't,” muttered the Ryn before shouting back. “News ta me, lass. Why do ya think I got anythin’ ta do wit’ all this kark anyhow, eh?”

Instead of a reply he felt the container beneath his back shudder. He sat up in alarm, twisting to glance over the edge once more. Down on the ground, Kooki stood with arms upraised, a look or concentration on her face and a gleam of maliciousness in her eyes. His surroundings shifted as the container began to move off its stack, sliding through the air toward the massive, open pit that dominated the level.

Kordath rose to a crouch and moved his way to the middle of his cargo filled perch, trying to ignore the sensation of flight. Sweat was running down his back as his breathing became shallow and fast, eyes closed.

“Admit it, Arconan! You're just a lapdog for my former Master, an idiot pawn she uses for her dirty work! Surrender to my custody, so you can confess your Clan’s crimes to my Consul. Admit that Arcona twisted and blackmailed Lord Jac, used him to try and destroy your greatest enemy!”

He cracked an eye open, finding that the container had dipped to a level where she could look down upon him. The edge of the pit was in sight, near enough to make out the pitted duracrete and reinforcements that held it in place, but too far for him to leap to.

“Lass, Lady, uhh, I still do nae know what yer on about, yeah? We did nae have a thing ta do with your place gettin’ blasted, alright? So how bouts ya be rational and let me back up, we can maybe get a pint and hash this out, eh?”

Kord swallowed nervously, feeling sweaty and sick, dizzy and unsteady atop the crate. He wanted off the ride, this was not a good time to the Ryn.

A look of disgust crossed the older woman's face. “As if I'd share a table with the likes of you.”

The Arconan tensed up, a sense of dread filling him. Her voice sounded strained; holding the container in the air for this long was obviously taking a toll. His hands, shaking and clammy, scrambled for his grappling hook, when she spoke again.

“If you won't admit it,” she spoke, her voice tight and yet still haughty, “then I have no use for you.”

He looked up in time to see her hand drop, enough time to scream as the container dropped down the pit. Bleu scrambled for a handhold, trying to grab the edge as the light above closed to a pinprick. He squeezed his eyes shut and had time to wonder how far down the pit went, and what in the hell the crazy broad from Taldryan had been on about.

Darth Renatus, 8 July, 2017 3:52 AM UTC

Syntax

The edge of the pit was [...] the pitted duracrete

Pit and pitted! A pitty this is repetition.


Story

I wish there was a bit more action here. I think there could have been interesting back and forth going on and the slashy slashy and the pew pew. Didn't happen though. You make the dialogue work but it's a very static post without a lot of back and forth action. Missed opportunity.