Ranger Tamashi Adaephon Delat vs. Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Ranger Tamashi Adaephon Delat

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Pau'an, Jedi, Arcanist, Consular
vs.

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
Comment

Thank you both for participating and seeing this match through to completion.

The writing here was good, structurally speaking. It is in the pacing that things were lost. The opening post was almost entirely spent on establishing the set-up without much thought to the encounter itself. The second post interrupted the flow and brought the reader back to a stand-still. For more detailed remarks, please see the rationale and the comments on the posts. Beyond that, Realism, for more than a few things, is something you should both refresh yourselves with. Small mistakes compounded.

With the scores tallied, Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj is the winner.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Ranger Tamashi Adaephon Delat, Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Ranger Tamashi Adaephon Delat's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Jekk'Jekk Tarr Cantina
Last Post 9 July, 2017 3:46 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Ossk
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Multiple small errors. Refer to the comments. Rationale: Multiple small errors. Refer to the comments.
Story - 40%
Deleted Ossk
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: The superficial nature of your first post really brought you down, especially when contrasted with your second post. Your ending was rushed, but the action was a lot better in the second post. A consistent effort could have gotten you a better score. Rationale: The pacing here was all askew. You spent so much time setting the scene and establishing that Andrelious was the bad guy that you had barely any interaction between the characters that should be the focus of this story, let alone the combat. There were also a few places where I was lost as a reader.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Ossk
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: A few issues. Refer to the comments. Rationale: Multiple issues throughout. Please see the comments.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Ossk
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: A few issues. Refer to the comments. Rationale: None that were apparent.
Deleted's Score: 3.6 Ossk's Score: 3.55
Posts

Nar Shaddaa Jekk'Jekk Tarr Cantina

Catering exclusively to exotic clientèle, the Jekk’Jekk Tarr Cantina on Nar Shaddaa isn’t just unwelcoming to Humans—it’s deadly. Unlike some establishments that have gained a sordid reputation, the Jekk’Jekk Tarr Cantina’s patrons don’t often bear criminal charges. Instead, circulated cyanogen fumes and pollutants that are toxic to Humans provide a buffer against less desirable company.

Instead of serving drinks, the bar serves "nutrient chemicals" to its clientèle, who pay large sums of credits for the privilege. Five sections emulate the environments of different worlds preferable to certain species and are colour-coded to signify the types of gases being vented into the chambers. The sections are divided by short halls designed to function similar to an airlock so as not to contaminate the different chambers.

The first chamber, favored by species that could perceive the infrared, such as the Devaronians and Trandoshans, is lit with red lights and doubles as the cantina’s entrance to the far more dangerous yellow and green rooms.

Simulating the harsher climates of worlds such as Ryloth and Sriluur, the yellow-tinted room to the west is still poisionous to Humans, due to the amount of concentrated gases, but leaves some near-Humans, such as Twi'leks and Weequays, unaffected.

Nar Shaddaa Jekk'Jekk Tarr Cantina

Identical rooms lie to the east of the infrared chamber, both bearing green color-coding. Exclusive to the insectoid Gand, these chambers filter in ammonia-based atmospheres that are toxic to most other non-insectoid species. The fifth chamber requires passage through the two ammonia-based rooms, but unlike the others, the private lounge is not harmful to Humans.

In some cases, measures have been taken to circumvent the harmful toxins, including the use of breath masks. Alternatively, a control panel located in the private lounge can purge the chemicals from each room to allow Humans to pass through unhindered in dire situations. All of the rooms bear the usual outfit of an unadorned cantina—arrangements of chairs and tables set within a hexagonal space.

Leaning back in his seat and looking around the low-lit room, with its devil- and lizard-like patrons smoking and carousing happily, Tamashi swallowed his distaste for these low-class establishments. Low-hanging fumes ponderously billowed and flowed across the room, their toxic chemicals providing a barrier from the masses of humanity and intermingling with the smoke emitting from the patrons hookah pipes and other forms of chemical inhalation.

Dusky red-colored lighting provided a welcoming and homely feeling to the Devaronians and Trandoshans who populated the room. Luckily for him, this room didn’t contain the dreaded cyanogen that was so deadly to most sentient life - but rather a less lethal cocktail of fumes that didn’t affect the Pau’an, despite being deadly to humankind.

Pulling his attention back to the present, the Pau’an scholar focused his attention on the devilkin sitting in front of him and pretended to sip at the expensive chemical cocktail in his palm in order to not offend the Devaronian. Placing the drink back on the table, Tamashi focused on what the devilkin had to say. “... as you know, this artifact has been dated by your colleagues in Bart’leth as belonging to the pre-Republic era and is priceless…”

Paying only half his attention to the prattle of his client, Tamashi inspected the glowing hologram in front of him and turned it slowly in his clawed hands. Grimacing slightly at the pain even this basic exertion caused him, he resisted the temptation to call upon the Force to ease his pain and strengthen his frail body.

The image rotating slowly between his claws was a massive construct, comprised of a large golden rectangular box with two twi’leks kneeling on the top, facing each other and reaching out with their hand towards each other. Eyes widening with recognition, he looked at the Devaronian and tried to contain his mounting excitement.

“Where did you find this?” he asked with barely concealed excitement. “This disappeared from the pages of history when the Empire seized Ryloth!”

Just then, the door to the cantina slammed open and a rotund human barged into the room. Immediately all noise ceased inside the room, and the attention of the entire place turned towards the newcomer. Peering backwards over his shoulder, as if he was being chased, he quickly shut the door and slunk inside. Unfortunately for him, he quickly breathed in the deadly fumes and started to retch and cough even harder.

To Tamashi’s shock, a sudden flare of icy dread emanated from the human, coupled with a slimy and oily feeling worming up his back. Standing tall once more, and no longer coughing and retching from the fumes the human turned around with surprising speed for such a corpulent being and pulled a round cylinder from his pouch. Recognizing the distinctive feel of the Dark Side as well as the distinctive look of a lightsaber, Tamashi immediately rolled his wheelchair backwards into the shadows, and waited to see what would unfold.

With the preternatural speed only afforded by the Force, the human ignited his saber and whirled towards the entrance, whereupon he plunged it into the body of what looked like an Inquisitorius agent who had followed him in. Snarling with satisfaction, the human deactivated his lightsaber and stalked up to a human that was sitting at the central bar. He ripped off the human's breathing mask and, with a casual shove from the Force, sent the reeling and dying human flying into the corner.

Eyes widening with anger, Tamashi slowly raised his own shaking hand and with a slight exertion with the Force he caught the human in his invisible grip and lowered him gently to the floor. Rolling forward on his chair, the Jedi stopped to apologize politely to his client for the interruption and then to the Devaronian’s shock, he wheeled forward to confront the portly Sith - for what else could he be?

Turning towards him, the Sith narrowed his eyes and snarled at the Pau’an. “Stand down, Jedi,” he spat, “if you want to live. This is none of your concern… cripple,” he sneered.

Smiling wanly at the human, Tamashi continued to roll forward “We both know that I cannot do that - and cripple or not, I will oppose you.”

With a shrug, the human grinned eagerly and reached out his hand. With a slight exertion he called forth a second lightsaber into his open hand and leapt forward. “So be it, Jedi.”

Darth Renatus, 10 July, 2017 8:54 PM UTC

Syntax

Grimacing slightly at the pain even this [...] the Force to ease his pain and [...]

Repetition of "pain" without enhancing the story.

two twi’leks kneeling

This should have a capital for the species name, since you used caps on the other species earlier.

the fumes the human turned

Should have a comma after fumes.

Recognizing the distinctive feel of the Dark Side as well as the distinctive look of a lightsaber

Repetition of "distinctive".

the human ignited his saber [...] with satisfaction, the human deactivated [...] to a human that was sitting [...] off the human's breathing mask and [...] dying human flying into the corner.

Overkill of "human" here. Change up your references to make it clear who you're referring to at all times.


Story

“Stand down, Jedi,” he spat

How does Andrelious know Tamashi is a Jedi? This needs to be explained.

The biggest problem is that, in this entire 748 word post, there is no conflict between Tamashi and Andrelious. You have the beginnings of it at the end, but nothing prior to it. This is a match between these characters, and you only have three (including your opponent's) posts to tell that story in. With a 750 word limitation, you need to control the pacing far better.


Realism

Luckily for him, this room didn’t contain the dreaded cyanogen that was so deadly to most sentient life - but rather a less lethal cocktail of fumes that didn’t affect the Pau’an, despite being deadly to humankind.

I'm not sure where you're getting this info from. There's nothing on the Pau'an wiki or the species outline on our Wiki that indicates they can survive a toxic atmosphere.

Just then, the door to the cantina slammed open

It's rather difficult to slam open an airlock system. Each section of this venue is locked by one such corridor, including the entrance.

With a slight exertion he called forth a second lightsaber into his open hand and leapt forward.

Just because someone has two lightsabers doesn't mean they are a dual-wielder, which seems to be what you're indicating here by having him draw his second saber. Andrelious uses Djem So (which is not a dual saber form) and has no Dual Wielding skill on his sheet.

Andrelious could hardly believe his eyes. He certainly hadn’t expected to encounter a Jedi in such a hostile environment, let alone one who didn’t appear to be an obvious threat.

“What you stand for is an aberration, Sith,” Tamashi declared.

“I don’t see what you’re going to be able to do about it. Do you even have a lightsaber in that chair of yours?” the Taldryanite responded.

“As a matter of fact....” the Pua’an said, reaching to his side and activating a green bladed lightsaber. “But I have more than the just this lightsaber on my side. You are everything that is wrong with the order of things. You bring death, chaos, and grief in everything you do. That’s why the Force will always guide those who oppose you,”

“Spare me your beliefs, Jedi. We had nothing but chaos until Order 66 wiped your kind from the galaxy,” Andrelious shot back.

“The way of the Sith is one of mutual destruction. My body may be failing me, but the Force will not. Try me, Sith. You will find me most unrelenting,” Tamashi answered.

“We shall see about that,” the Human stated.

Andrelious stretched out his fingers, but found himself unable to command the dark side effectively. He could still feel rage and hatred within himself, demanding he do something about this upstart Jedi, but he couldn’t seem to wield it into any kind of weapon. It was as if something, or more likely someone, had separated the Sith from the Force itself.

“You see? The Force gives me exactly what I need. You won’t be summoning any lightning this time, Sith. You’re going to have try a little harder than that!” Tamashi said.

“Very well. I have more than just that one particular trick in my locker. You may be able to twist the Force, Jedi, but I’ll bet that lightsaber is just for show. Care to prove me wrong?” Andrelious challenged.

Tamashi remained completely calm as he continued to converse with the Force. He steered it to envelope Andrelious’ mind itself, quickly finding that the Seeker was so focused on combat that he had left his other defences almostly completely down.

Andrelious found himself unable to attack his opponent. Instead, he began to step backwards, towards a far corner of the room. He backed straight past a shocked Trandoshan.

“I thought you Ssith weren’t ssuch cowardss?” The alien hissed. The comment seemed to snap the Seeker out of some kind of trance.

“That? This Jedi clearly knows how to manipulate his enemy’s minds. But he’s running out of options,” Andrelious explained.

Charging in, the Rollmaster started swinging his blade wildly. Tamashi, realising that the Trandoshan’s question had been enough to break his hold on Andrelious’ mind, sighed quietly as he gripped tightly onto his weapon’s hilt.

Furious crimson smashed into calm emerald as Sith engaged Jedi in the latest iteration of an age old battle. Passion against peace. Emotion against serenity. Good against evil.

Let’s get this over with!

Darth Renatus, 10 July, 2017 9:06 PM UTC

Syntax

“As a matter of fact....”

This should be 3 periods for an ellipsis.


Story

There is a lot that is superficial about this post. It's a crowded venue at this point in time, yet none of that exists as far as the writing is concerned until the Trandoshan shows up to snap Andrelious out of it. Beyond that, you have a mostly static post with no action. There is the Suppression and then the Dominate Mind. Then they clash. This is the second post of three that apply to the overall narrative. It should be the meat of the post sandwich, yet barely anything happens in it.


Realism

He steered it to envelope Andrelious’ mind itself, quickly finding that the Seeker was so focused on combat that he had left his other defences almostly completely down.

Andrelious found himself unable to attack his opponent. Instead, he began to step backwards, towards a far corner of the room. He backed straight past a shocked Trandoshan.

It appears you're doing Dominate Mind here. This is still an application of Mind Trick, which requires a gesture at all levels. This is a minor error.


Continuity

The previous post ended with Andrelious leaping at Tamashi, yet the both of them are having a casual conversation at the start of this post.

From the onset of the exchange Tamashi realized that he was overmatched. The Sith was obviously a master swordsman and his powerful strikes threatened to break through his feeble parries. It was only due to the deft and precise movements of Soresu, as well as the fact that his opponent couldn’t bring the full fury of the Dark Side to bear, that Tamashi survived the first few seconds of combat.

He had to end this fight fast - or the human lying in the corner would perish. That was his primary concern, not fighting this rabid Sith. There was only one option left to him, and reaching out with the Force he hurled a blast of energy at his opponent. Attuned to the Dark Side as he was, despite the inhibition that he was laboring under, the Sith Warlord still managed to receive a glimmer of a warning. Though perhaps not nearly so strong as he was used to, it still bought him time to start twisting away from the telekinetic strike.

Avoid the brunt of the attack, the human was nonetheless flung violently backwards. Smashing through a table, and landing in a crumple heap against the far wall, Andrelious slowly rolled over and made sure that the gasmask was still firmly in place before attempting to rise. Wheezing and groaning from the pain, the human slowly got to his feet, mentally reaching out and recalling his sabers with a snap of his power.

Tamashi used the sudden lull in hostilities to call out to one of the cantina’s patrons and motioned him towards the by-now unconscious human. While the Devaronian drew him towards the cantina entrance, Tamashi delved deep into his soul, and dipped into the molten core that was the fount of his power. Drinking in the Light Side like a parched man in a desert oasis, the Force flowed into him and filled him to the brink with it’s warm caress. Power blazed into his consciousness and recharged the winded Pau’an, the world seemed to suddenly burst into vivid detail - almost as if he was only now finally seeing it’s true glory. To those with the right sensitivity, the Pau’an seemed to metaphorically burst into a corona of power and energy that wrapped around him in a golden halo.

Raising a now becalmed and strong hand, Tamashi drew upon that energy, shaping it into a net that he hurled towards at the Sith and reinforced his previous restraining of the Dark Side. Sending forth an additional telekinetic blast at the charging Sith, Tamashi reached out and sent forth blazing power into the unprotected mind of the human. Groaning with the pain, Andrelious snarled in anger as he caught his breath, gathering his energies for a final assault on the Jedi that was causing him so much trouble.

This was no longer a simple battle of survival, this was no longer about the Jedi interfering in his hunt for the Inquisitors who had been chasing his family. This was no longer even a battle of Sith and Jedi - this cripple represented all that was wrong with the universe, and all that he had striven to destroy. All his abhorrence for aliens came bubbling forth, all his hatred for the Light Side climbed it’s way up like bile, and above all - his fury at Karfur’s destruction seared its way into his mind and erupted from his outstretched hands in forks of amethyst lightning.

Rage overwhelmed his mind. Andrelious didn’t bother to question its source and neither did he question his sudden ability to conjure forth lightning. He just poured bolt after bolt into the Pau’an writhing before him. He savored the stench of smoking meat as the electrical discharges burnt into the cowering Jedi, grinning as each bolt enveloped him in chains of cascading lightning. He watched with glee as the raw power blasted the Pau’an across the room, smashing him brutally to the ground. He writhed within the pain before twitching out his last breaths.

Panting heavily from the massive expenditure of power, Anderlious smiled malevolently and leaned back against the wall. Sure of his victory, the Sith was stunned when the crumpled figure of the Pau’an faded from existence. A glowing green blade appeared at his throat.

“Typical of you Sith. All you can do is destroy and maim, and in the end - you always bring yourself down. Such is the price of the Dark Side.”

Darth Renatus, 10 July, 2017 9:24 PM UTC

Syntax

Avoid the brunt of the attack, the human was nonetheless flung violently backwards.

Should be "Avoiding".

with it’s warm caress.

Should be "its" for the possessive here.


Story

Power blazed into his consciousness and recharged the winded Pau’an, the world seemed to suddenly burst into vivid detail - almost as if he was only now finally seeing it’s true glory. To those with the right sensitivity, the Pau’an seemed to metaphorically burst into a corona of power and energy that wrapped around him in a golden halo.

It seems like you're losing yourself in the effort to describe him opening himself to the Force. I'm not even sure that's exactly what is going on here. The character now seems in full control of his body, so I presume this is now a use of Control Self from here on out.

So, you're ending here reads like you ran out of words to tell your story. It's not really an end. You have a saber to his throat and drop a line on him. This is an enraged opponent. The fight isn't over yet. Nothing in the writing shows that it has ended.


Realism

Though perhaps not nearly so strong as he was used to, it still bought him time to start twisting away from the telekinetic strike.

There is no Telekinetic Strike Feat on Tamashi's sheet for this match. Even if this didn't mean the feat, you wouldn't be doing "blasts" so much as literally shoving him back.

Sending forth an additional telekinetic blast at the charging Sith, Tamashi reached out and sent forth blazing power into the unprotected mind of the human.

We don't have mind bullets or anything like that in our system. I have no idea what you're going for here.

Sure of his victory, the Sith was stunned when the crumpled figure of the Pau’an faded from existence.

At +2, you're not going to be able to cast an Illusion so easily. It's not "combat ready" at that point in time. You failed to describe what you're doing, and now I think this is what was meant by the above point about the unprotected mind.

Andrelious was amazed by just how determined Tamashi was. He had expected an easy fight, at least after the initial verbal sparring, but the apparently disabled Jedi was still able to defend himself with a lightsaber.

Quite a crowd had assembled to watch the ongoing fight. The unique surroundings of the Jekk’Jekk Tarr allowed for the average patron to be less likely to run away at the start of trouble, even if both combatants were apparently practitioners of the arts of the Jedi. The fact that Andrelious was a Human left the crowd hoping that the Pa’aun would somehow upset the odds. To their disappointment, however, the Sith’s unbroken body soon allowed him to take full control of the duel.

Tamashi remained fully focused on the Force, desperate to keep his opponent from summoning his deadly lightning. Having to defend himself at the same time made for a difficult task, but the Odanite remained hopeful that he could fend Andrelious off for long enough to tire him out.

“Surrender, Jedi! I’ll get no joy from killing a cripple!” Andrelious shouted.

“I will stop you, Sith. Or I will die trying,” Tamashi answered calmly.

“Looks like you’re halfway there already!” the Rollmaster snarled. Taking a couple of steps back, just out of reach of his enemy’s blade, Andrelious extended his fingers once again, finding a much more solid connection to his emotions.

He’s let his guard down!

Without any further hesitation, the Seeker sent lightning coursing towards his opponent, aiming not for his body itself, but his hoverchair. Tamashi, realising exactly what the Sith was doing, attempted to reverse away. The lightning hit, immediately overloading the chair’s circuits. As power surged, some of the repulsors engaged, flipping the Pau’an into the air.

“You never can rely on technology,” Andrelious taunted as Tamashi and his chair crashed hard into the ground.

“That is where you’re wrong...Sith!” the Odanite coughed, tapping his wrist.

Andrelious, certain victory was already his, spotted a tiny rocket heading straight for him. He tried to swat it out of the air with his lightsaber, but the resulting explosion was still enough to knock him off his feet.

Shocked by the sudden attack, the Sith took a few moments to climb back to his feet. The toxic fumes were beginning to seriously irritate his lungs, forcing him to cough a few times to clear his system. Tamashi, meanwhile, had used the distraction his MM9 had given him to clamber back in his chair. Though its power was gone, the repuslorchair’s wheels appeared to allow for manual operation. He was halfway through ‘persuading’ one of the patrons to push him out of the room when Andrelious interrupted. The Sith drove his crimson blade straight through the unfortunate Rodian’s heart.

“That’s what you’ll get for aiding the enemy. Anyone else want to try it?” Andrelious threatened, pointing his lightsaber angrily at the assembled crowd.

Andrelious wasn’t about to take any more chances. Even before the crowd had properly backed away, he moved in quickly, swinging his lightsaber directly at Tamashi’s wrists. The Pau’an desperately moved to block the attack, but the Sith easily evaded the attempted parry.

Tamashi’s hands dropped to the ground, a bisected device attached to each.

Without pausing, the Taldryanite attacked again, beheading the undefended Tamashi with one final slash.

“Enjoy your death hole, savages,” Andrelious spat, stopping only to cough a few more times.

Darth Renatus, 10 July, 2017 9:35 PM UTC

Syntax

The unique surroundings of the Jekk’Jekk Tarr

Don't need "the" here.

knock him off his feet. [...] climb back to his feet.

Repetition without enhancing the story.


Story

This is a better showing than your initial post. You played into their aspects more for the characters and then had more action throughout. While a bit abrupt on the ending, it is a final conclusion to the match.


Continuity

You have Andrelious coughing from the fumes, but he attained a breathing mask early on in the match. I didn't read it getting lost at any point.