Ranger Tamashi Adaephon Delat vs. Seer Kelly Mendes

Ranger Tamashi Adaephon Delat

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Pau'an, Jedi, Arcanist, Consular
vs.

Seer Kelly Mendes

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Human, Force Disciple, Seeker
Comment

Greetings,

Thank you for your participation in Phase I of the GJW ACC Event!

I have left notes in the post comments and in the summary of scores; please let me know by email or Telegram if you have any additional questions and I will address them as soon as time allows. This battle was somewhat difficult to judge compared to others because of the challenges posed by Tamashi's multiple sclerosis and evaluating the plausibility of some actions while clearly suffering from an advanced stage of the disease. The final score here really comes down to realism, where there were problems for both writers. These issues were were most severe in the case of Tamashi's final post, where amplification and control self were used to propel Tamashi for quite some time at a very high functioning motor state, despite his physical malady and, importantly, beyond plausibility given his skill and Force power levels. Other minor issues are also noted in the battle, including several syntax issues, and a continuity hit on Kelly's part.

Thank you both for your participation, and good luck in your future battles!

~Mav

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Ranger Tamashi Adaephon Delat, Seer Kelly Mendes
Winner Seer Kelly Mendes
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Ranger Tamashi Adaephon Delat's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Seer Kelly Mendes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Kamino: Landing Platform
Last Post 10 July, 2017 8:25 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Ossk Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Minor issues as noted on posts. Rationale: Minor issues as noted on posts.
Story - 40%
Ossk Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: A fairly straightforward match. In your first post, it was generally unclear what Kelly was doing for much of the fist half, and the ending felt a little odd and unsatisfying, with the sudden appearance of a droid and then Kelly's unceremonious loss of clothes and subsequent loss of consciousness. Rationale: A straight forward fight, with little remarkable. The attempt to integrate the venue somewhat backfired, as it felt forced into the scene at too perfect a moment.
Realism - 25%
Ossk Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 2 Score: 4
Rationale: One major realism hit and two minor realism hits here. The major hit was the usage of CS and Amplification to take an ostensibly crippled individual and turn him into a competent fighter. The two minor realism hits involve the use of TK above what is realistic in that circumstance, and the use of Suppression for an extended duration without the necessary Concentration. Rationale: A couple minor realism hits. First, it seems unlike Tamashi to open fire at Kelly without trying a little harder to get her to stand down verbally. Second, a twisted ankle, while not particularly enjoyable, seems something that Kelly would be able to more readily fight through the pain from. That is not to say the injury would be ignored, but as written, it felt overdone to have her try to stand and fail.
Continuity - 20%
Ossk Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: None. Rationale: Tamashi is written as being out of his hoverchair without any explanation as to why.
Ossk's Score: 3.3 Dr. Giyana Jurro's Score: 3.6
Posts

Kamino Landing Platform

Lightning shatters the sky and strikes the spire atop the cloning complex towering before anyone who steps off their ship and onto the rain-slick landing platform. Kamino, the Planet of Storms, is known for its roiling seas and constant torrential downpour. The fall of the Galactic Empire hit the planet’s primary export of military cloning projects extremely hard, but the Kaminoans remained afloat, both figuratively with contracts to galactic warlords, and literally with the brilliant engineering of their iconic seaborne cities.

The initial landing pad is a wide circle designed to accommodate a variety of ships, and is connected to a series of other platforms as well. Every surface is slick with rain, but avoids flooding due to the sloped edges that allow the water to run off into the sea below and away from the centerpoint.

The cloning facility’s exterior is characterized by similar slopes, and raindrops rapidly transform into steam as they touch against the series of lightning rods around the platform, much like they would if they dripped onto a lightsaber blade.

History tells of the fateful encounter between Obi Wan Kenobi and renowned Bounty Hunter Jango Fett. The doors of the facility are sealed, which means that whatever challenge awaits you, will have to be faced in the heart of the omnipresent rainstorm.

The rain poured down on Kamino, same as always. The landing platform was slippery, Tamashi’s hoverchair was needed in the configuration less preferred by the Odanite. He’d have been sliding all over the place had it been in the wheelchair form. The message he had received was vague. Come to Kamino alone, knowledge awaits it said. So here he was. Alone as requested. Now he had to wait for the person who had drawn him here. Whoever it was likely didn’t know about his condition. Quite how they had reached him without revealing their identity was a mystery. He wouldn’t have to wait much longer. A ship he was unfamiliar with was hovering above the platform. Who would emerge from it?

Kelly Mendes rubbed her hands over the dart launchers newly located on each wrist. Her next victim would likely give her plenty of chances to test out her new toys. On the surface, he hadn’t seemed to pose too much of a threat. But Kelly knew better than to underestimate a foe. It would be a struggle, even if the Odanite was more limited these days. Had he been in peak shape he may have stood a chance. It was just how long Kelly wanted to prolong the suffering. Now time to make her entrance, she pressed on the console to lower the ramp. Making her way to the other end of the ship she leapt, throwing in a somersault because she could.

The Jedi chuckled as Kelly made her flashy entrance, maybe back in the day, he’d have tipped an imaginary hat to such a display. But the Human stood across from him didn’t seem to be old enough to possess the knowledge he needed. But appearances could be deceiving. Nevertheless, he had Grenade launcher concealed next to him just in case. He may be old and worn down, but he wasn’t useless. On the contrary, he was potentially more dangerous given his mind was sharper than ever. Of course, the deterioration of his motor functions meant he was heavily dependent on the Force. Tamashi was about to begin speaking when he saw a dart fizz past his skull. This woman definitely had no knowledge, instead, she had thought him an easy kill. Something seemed familiar but he couldn’t quite place it. Instead, the Odanite pulled up the grenade launcher and aimed. Pulling the trigger, the explosive barrelled towards the Human.

Kelly dropped to the ground, ducking under the launched projectile. As long as Tamashi kept her at range she couldn’t truly enjoy his death. She was a little surprised he’d taken the bait and agreed to meet. But then maybe the old man wanted to die, just not without a fight. The Pau’an kept up his fire, Kelly was leaping around the platform, almost mockingly. The Odanite’s accuracy was nothing to write home about. Kelly just enjoyed the thrill that came from feeling like she almost died. She thrust forward an unseen ball of Force energy. It flew towards Tamashi with frightening speed. The hoverchair carrying the elder combatant was rocked, almost depositing its owner to the unforgiving floor. The Jedi gripped the sides, securing himself for the moment. Kelly smiled, she had things well in hand.

Telaris "Mav" Cantor, 15 July, 2017 8:57 PM UTC

Grenade

Syntax here.

Nevertheless, he had Grenade launcher concealed next to him just in case.

Not penalizing you here as we are going light on loadout description adherence, but if you check the description of the loadout you can see that Tamashi intended his droid to use the weapon.

Instead, the Odanite pulled up the grenade launcher and aimed. Pulling the trigger, the explosive barrelled towards the Human.

This seems quite out of character for Tamashi.

She thrust forward an unseen ball of Force energy.

This isn't a great description of TK - TK without feats is equivalent to shoving, hurling things – it is not an energy ball attack.

With hands shaking at the effort of his previous exertions, he felt as though his arms were lead. Tamashi called upon the Force to control his pain and to strengthen his failing nerves. The concerned voice of the Garza strike team sergeant suddenly squawked over the commlink and a small image flashed into existence for a split second before Tamashi killed the visual feed. “Is everything alright, Sir? We can have boots on the ground in 30 seconds. Just say the word.”

Smiling thinly at the young Sith in front of him, and giving no outwards clue that he had received a communication, Tamashi cast his mind outward towards the Garza team that was on standby and telepathically answered the sergeant. Thank you, Sergeant. I believe that I can handle this child. She poses no threat to me at the current moment, but I promise you that if the Force wills it, I will certainly call upon you and your team.

Focusing back to the battle at hand, the battleteam leader dropped the useless weapon and marveled that he had managed to even fire the thing without causing a serious malfunction, especially given his lack of even basic familiarity with the launcher. Centering himself mentally, Tamashi quickly cycled through a Jedi meditation technique and let the Light Side of the Force suffuse him with its warm caresse.

Breathing in evenly, the Pau’an surrendered himself to the will of the Force and, almost moving subconsciously, he channeled the torrent of energy within him into an invisible cocoon within the Force that smothered and hindered Kelly’s ability to call upon the Dark Side of the Force. Shuddering internally at the cold and slimy feel, he shook off the sudden nausea and looked across the broken and smoking ruin of the landing pad around him.

Wincing slightly at the damage, Tamashi wondered what had possessed him to fire numerous grenades so recklessly and vowed to attempt to end the encounter with no more collateral damage. Eyeing the skinny woman standing in front of him, the military commander within took stock of the current situation - his adversary was wearing a thin strapless gown, that now clung sleet-soaked, to her skeletal frame. It also failed to hide her two wrist dart launchers, in addition to the two whips coiled around her utility belt and the lightsaber hilt hanging from another clip.

Raising his eyebrow at the puzzling choice of attire for what seemed to be an assassination attempt, Tamashi shrugged internally at the failings of humanity and the Sith and called out to the young woman. “I don’t know who you are or why you are targeting me, but what is far more important is how you managed to get my private and encrypted commlink data without being traced. This is a major breach of communications security and leads to some fairly hefty questions about the current security protocols that we maintain. I don’t want to hurt you, and I certainly don’t wish to kill you - but these questions must be answered before I can let you go.”

Bursting into laughter, Kelly sneered at him; her voice was dripping with disdain and contempt. “I’ll be more than happy to enlighten your rotting corpse, Jedi. This galaxy that you light siders have created will be brought down by me, and your death is but the first stepping stone to the total annihilation of the Jedi!”

With that, she hurled herself forward at the crippled Jedi and with practiced familiarity grabbed the shock whip from her belt. Sending it unfurling before her with alarming speed, its golden hue sparkled in the sleet as it snapped at the rapidly retreating Pau’an. Landing lightly on her feet, she hurled herself into the air once more and sent the whip snaking towards him at the apex of her leap.

This time not backing down, Tamashi ignored the whip speeding at him and taking the time to concentrate he let the Force flow out of him and coalesced it into a fleeting barrier of energy that shattered upon impact with the whip - but was enough to deflect it away from him. At the same time, he telekinetically grabbed hold of her dress and caused it to catch on her stiletto heel. As Kelly landed on the wet durasteel floor, she tripped and sprawled to the floor - twisting her ankle in the process and causing her to curse at the indignity.

Telaris "Mav" Cantor, 15 July, 2017 9:09 PM UTC

Focusing back to the battle at hand, the battleteam leader dropped the useless weapon and marveled that he had managed to even fire the thing without causing a serious malfunction, especially given his lack of even basic familiarity with the launcher.

Why would he cause a malfunction in the launcher? He’s unlikely to hit anything with +0, which he did not, but +0 doesn't mean he would instantly break the weapon from using it. As a note unrelated to scoring... while I understand the intention is for a droid to use this weapon, we are pretty loose with following some parts of loadout descriptions; if the character would under no circumstances use launchers or explosives, it might be an aspect to consider, as there could be other cases where writers see an opportunity to have him employ such a weapon.

caresse.

Syntax

Breathing in evenly, the Pau’an surrendered himself to the will of the Force and, almost moving subconsciously, he channeled the torrent of energy within him into an invisible cocoon within the Force that smothered and hindered Kelly’s ability to call upon the Dark Side of the Force.

It is unclear what Kelly was doing that needed Suppressing here, or for these first few paragraphs, what she is doing at all.

At the same time, he telekinetically grabbed hold of her dress and caused it to catch on her stiletto heel.

This is a stretch for TK +3, as it is the intricate manipulation of an object done very quickly, immediately after switching his concentration from the Barrier.

Kelly yelled out in pain, the dastardly Jedi had managed to surprise her. He would definitely be paying for it with his life. Still, with the golden whip in her hand, she pondered her next move. Tamashi was hardly very mobile, attacking with the whip could probably cut him down to size. From there, it was easy enough, just keep hitting him until his body or mind breaks. Kelly had her credits on the body breaking first, it was already much weaker than a normal Pau’an’s would be. The Dark Jedi unwisely tried standing up but collapsed from the pain in her right ankle. In clear agony, the Plagueian held her right hand over the corresponding ankle. Kelly hoped she could at least lessen the pain at least temporarily. But that wasn’t helping her deal with her Jedi problem.

“Typical Sith, so concerned about their appearance. If only you’d had some common sense woman. You know how to make this end, just give me the answers I need and I’ll be off.” Tamashi came across cool, calm and collected, even if he knew he couldn’t keep himself mobile forever.

“Save the bravado scum. You’re no better than me. In fact, you’re below me. You can stand and mock me, but my wounds will heal, yours will not. You know, I don’t even need all the Jedi to die. Once your true colours are shown to the galaxy, the weak, worthless masses will see you as the threat and drive you from relevance. Then, the galaxy will be awash with Darksiders, we will be free from the Jedi Inquisition. It will be glorious!” Kelly had clearly thought long and hard about the subject. Some might say it consumed her every moment. The Plagueian was certainly dead set in her beliefs. Now all she had to do was go about accomplishing her master plan. Tamashi was merely another step on that road, not even a particularly important one. Though his death would certainly impact some of those in Odan-Urr, just as Kelly intended. Still clutching her ankle, she realised she couldn’t stay in this position forever. Deactivating the shock whip, she laid it down on the platform. Taking her lightsaber from its hook on her belt, the Human woman activated the weapon and held it as far from her body as she could. This was to prevent the Jedi from getting any stupid ideas, though it would be his funeral, which was the endgame anyway. Unsurprisingly, the Jedi retreated.

Tamashi could feel it, his body was failing, he would need rest. With Kelly still on the floor, he struggled to make it back to his hoverchair. He was almost there when he heard a sharp CRACK as a bolt of lightning struck his hoverchair before he could reach it. Tamashi dropped to the ground. The Odanite had lived a long life, helped many people, he had nothing to be ashamed of if it ended here. The weather had cost him. Resigned to his fate, Tamashi just lay motionless on his stomach. Kelly was now in complete control.

Kelly chuckled as she saw the old man fall. Still struggling with the pain, Kelly removed her right hand from her injured ankle. She would force herself to stand, even if it made her injury worse. It was worth it to remove the Jedi from the galaxy. Before standing, the Plagueian took the unusual step of removing her footwear. It had already cost her once and she couldn’t let it get in the way of her magnificent victory. Kelly picked up the golden whip and pushed the metal grip into the ground to use for leverage. With the assist from her weapon, Kelly managed to stand. She winced as she walked over, clearly hurting but trying to push it aside for long enough to kill the Jedi. Lightsaber in hand, she reached the Jedi’s body. He couldn’t stop her now. She sliced through him at his waist. Then she took out her comlink and spoke into it.

“We’re going to, ah karking ankle, we’re going to need a delivery team to take, ugh will you just stop hurting while I get this message out? Someone to take Odan-Urr a message, and a kriffing medic. Blasted Jedi made me hurt my ankle.” Kelly then allowed herself to drop to the ground, awaiting the medic.

Telaris "Mav" Cantor, 15 July, 2017 9:16 PM UTC

The Dark Jedi unwisely tried standing up but collapsed from the pain in her right ankle. In clear agony, the Plagueian held her right hand over the corresponding ankle. Kelly hoped she could at least lessen the pain at least temporarily. But that wasn’t helping her deal with her Jedi problem.

As written, this is overdone - A twisted ankle may hurt to stand on, but it shouldn't be debilitating, and although Kelly would feel the pain, she could push herself through it given her endurance. This is a reaction to a more serious injury than a twisted ankle.

...some common sense woman...

Although I am typically light with syntax in dialogue, there should be a comma here.

With Kelly still on the floor, he struggled to make it back to his hoverchair.

How did he get out of his hoverchair? Last we read, he was in his hoverchair.

He was almost there when he heard a sharp CRACK as a bolt of lightning struck his hoverchair before he could reach it.

While I do like the attempt to bring this back to the Venue, it is a little too convenient at this moment.

Glaring at the floating Jedi, Kelly nursed her foot and funneled her rage and humiliation into a bright ball of seething hatred towards the Jedi. Drawing on her Sith teachings, she let the hatred flow through her body and course through her veins. She growled with rage and the Dark Side answered her - breaking through the hampering effect of the Light Side, her world was washed away in a tidal wave of crimson light.

Leaping to her feet with feral grace, the Sith Seeker seemed to almost blur with stunning rage-fueled speed and her thin body seemed to swell with unholy power. Her eyes turned a bloodshot crimson, and her veins bulged against her skin as they flushed with the very rage of the Dark Side.

Throwing away her whip, she drew her lightsaber and charged forward at the stunned Jedi. In a blink she was towering above him, as she leaped into a brutal overhead swing that would have bisected the Jedi had the Force not whispered a warning to him. As it was, Tamashi barely managed to draw his saber, and ignite it - and to his horror, the powerful blow smashed right through his defence and sheared into his hoverchair, causing it to crash down into the wet durasteel floor.

Falling limply to the ground and groaning with agony, Tamashi called upon the Light Side to strengthen his body and wash away the pain. Knowing that he had to act now or the Sith assassin would finish him off, Tamashi decided on a desperate gamble.

Strengthening his connection to the Force, Tamashi drew upon it as strongly as he could and he felt the Light Side answer his call. Banishing away the massive pain that he was constantly subjected to, and simultaneously strengthening his frail and weakened body - Tamashi felt the Force thrum through his body and grant him his strength of old.

Grinning the Pau’an rolled away from the incoming storm of strikes and suddenly leapt to his feet. Standing tall and with firm conviction, the Jedi called his lightsaber to his hand and smiling gently at the rabid Sith he beckoned her forward.

“This is the true power of the Light Side, Sith. Something that you destroyers can never comprehend,” he called out with zeal, springing forth to meet the Sith.

Despite being outclassed as a swordsman, Tamashi knew that all he had to do was outlast the woman. He could sense the rage and hatred suffusing her body, and he could almost see the dark suffocating miasma of energy that seethed around her soul. Resoulutely standing tall, he set himself in the classic Soresu stance with the Light Side guiding his hands managed to survive the onslaught with only minor scratches and burns from the exchange.

Normally, even the tiniest graze of a lightsabers touch could incapacitate the most hardened warrior - but Tamashi had the Light Side, and his inconsequential pain was as nothing before the ocean that was the Force. Reaching out with his hand, Tamashi unleashed a telekinetic blow to the Sith and watched with satisfaction as her rage addled head caused her to attempt to bull through the blast instead of dodge it.

Although the Dark Side was sufficient to armor her against direct trauma from the blast, she was nonetheless thrown backwards a large distance and landed in a crumple against her own ship. Snarling with rage, her anger only served to fuel her strength and she charged forwards once more at the Jedi. To her surprise though, an Imperial Sentry Droid suddenly leapt over the railings of the landing pad and raising its arm, it sent a massive sheet of roaring flame at her. Caught by surprise, Kelly still managed to evade the brunt of the attack but her gown was burnt and singed by the flames.

Turning to face the more immediate threat she bounded forward with Force-enhanced speed and raised her saber for a killing blow - but to her chagrin, the speed of her movements caused the frayed and burning clothing to simply fell into many different pieces. Meant for formal balls and elegant social events, it was simply not made for the rigors of combat and the stress of the fight coupled with the flames from the droid precipitated it’s complete collapse. Standing there with nothing but her saber in hand, she felt the Dark Side exact it’s steep price. And as her force-enhanced strength left her, she collapsed unconscious to the ground.

Telaris "Mav" Cantor, 15 July, 2017 11:31 PM UTC

She growled with rage and the Dark Side answered her - breaking through the hampering effect of the Light Side, her world was washed away in a tidal wave of crimson light.

Ah, the earlier Suppression usage is a little clearer now. Unfortunately, this is now how Suppression works. Suppression requires active concentration, so once the concentration ceased, so too would the Suppression.

Her eyes turned a bloodshot crimson, and her veins bulged against her skin as they flushed with the very rage of the Dark Side.

I understand what you are going for, but this is a little excessive; in our system, rage alone does not induce physical changes.

Strengthening his connection to the Force, Tamashi drew upon it as strongly as he could and he felt the Light Side answer his call. Banishing away the massive pain that he was constantly subjected to, and simultaneously strengthening his frail and weakened body - Tamashi felt the Force thrum through his body and grant him his strength of old.

Control Self does not provide any increase in physical abilities, and Amplification +1 is limited to a single physical ability for a short duration, while the description here is much more than that and for an extended period. Because this period of control self and amplification extends for quite some time, includes a bout of fighting, and also has Tamashi suffering some minor wounds, this is a major realism problem.

Resoulutely

Syntax

As a note over the content in this post... I'm not sure that CS would counter demyelination. Control Self is not a temporary heal, but a removal of pain/control of a bodily function, but it doesn't fix anything that is broken. As an example, it might allow an individual to fight through the pain from a partial fracture of a limb and use the limb normally for a short period. But if instead there was a severely displaced fracture, it is not only the pain that prevents movement but the physical destruction of bone structure necessary for movement. Likewise, Control Self wouldn't really return myelin to neurons... Because of this being a weird gray area I'm not penalizing for the use alone, but for the magnitude and duration of the effect (see description above), but I would strongly urge you to reconsider the use of Control Self as a means of granting this character the ability to walk.