Professional Jasper Arlow vs. Warlord Arden Karn di Plagia

Professional Jasper Arlow

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Female Human, Mercenary, Scavenger
vs.

Warlord Arden Karn di Plagia

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Human, Sith, Shadow
Comment

Greetings,

Thank you for your participation in Phase I of the GJW XII ACC Event. I've left a few comments on posts and details of my scores in the breakdown of each category. Ultimately, Jasper comes out ahead in several categories, and contributed a story with good depiction of both characters, albeit a little light on combat in the final post. Realism was also a major factor in the scores here. All together, I enjoyed reading both writers offerings despite issues I highlighted. I would be happy to provide additional details on the battle if either of you would like; do not hesitate to contact me by email or Telegram.

~Mav

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Professional Jasper Arlow, Warlord Arden Karn di Plagia
Winner Professional Jasper Arlow
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Professional Jasper Arlow's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Arden Karn di Plagia 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Naboo: Plasma Refinery Complex
Last Post 10 July, 2017 6:06 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Jasper Arlow Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues noticed. Rationale: Minor syntax issues, some noted above.
Story - 40%
Jasper Arlow Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Overall well done with a realistic set of character interactions and, when it occurred, well written combat. A little sparse on combat in the final post; it might have been good to see a bit of the combat between REX and Arden, but you did an excellent job of conveying the gravity and emotion that Jasper felt at the death of her companion. One brief bit is unclear in the first post; could have been a syntax issue, placed here instead. Rationale: Combat is overall well done, but nothing really is a major "hook" in terms of interest and engagement with the battle, and the final post ends on a curious and confusing note.
Realism - 25%
Jasper Arlow Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: Multiple minor realism knocks. KX droids are extremely sturdy and it seems unlikely that Arden, even "sturdied" by the Force, could drive his shoulder into one and stop it while it is in full charge, as Arden is not particularly much of a juggernaut! Moreover, Arden would have smashed his shoulder into the metal of the droid and should have had some pain from that - Amplification does not make one immune to the pain of their actions! Next, Arden's abandonment of *both* of his aspects at the end of Post 1 is confusing given the particular scenario. While there could have been details explaining *why* this occurred (as Jasper did in her post), as written it is not clear why Arden would turn to a lightsaber at that point in time. Finally, Jasper seems to completely ignore suffering a debilitating, major injury in the middle of your final post.
Continuity - 20%
Jasper Arlow Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues Rationale: No issues.
Jasper Arlow's Score: 4.6 Grand Inquisitor Arden Karn di Plagia's Score: 3.55
Posts

Naboo Plasma Refinery Complex

Erected along the banks of the Solleu River and the Virdugo Plunge of Naboo, the refinery complex is a model of Neo-Classical design and exacts an efficient but elegant form. Large blocks of sandstone-like stone are sheltered by a ribbed roof and inlaid with a high-tensile durasteel support webbing. The stone construction boasts rigid, durable design and is lined with blast-proof green plates so the the roof is defended against bombardment.

The Plasma Refinery Complex is a triple-domed structure and located alongside the city's main hangar. Within the first of the three domed structures closest to the hangar lies the seemingly-bottomless extracting shaft. A hemispherical chamber with black paneled walls that constantly monitors and compensates for pressure changes, the shaft is crisscrossed by several concentric rings of catwalks. A series of twelve, evenly-spaced acceleration shafts extend from the bottom of the pit to disappear into the ceiling. A thermal carbon membrane contains the plasma that is forced out of the core and upward through vacuum suction.

The city’s power generator rests on the other side of the acceleration shaft and is located under the ground floor of the first domed building. Above it, the facility's main activator and purification chamber sits below a corridor of laser gates. The corridor, comprising of several doors that lock into position and hold back potentially dangerous quantities of power outputs, leads into the generator’s core.

Another massive shaft plummets into the heart of the reactor at the center of the generator’s core and is surrounded by a circular catwalk that extends to the walls of the smaller, cylindrical building. Along the sides of the shaft, high-energy particle coils are employed when excessive plasma slough needs to be curtailed.

The central building is, in fact, a drum-shaped holding tank of refined plasma. Mass amounts of energy is gathered below the recirculation lid at the top of the tank, this reduces the oxygen levels in the chamber in order to preserve the vacuum maintained in the tank.

“Go, now!”

Those were the words Arden heard as he stepped onto the refinery complex catwalk. The speaker was a massive KX-series droid, not unlike the one that guarded his ship, that was standing a few meters away. Beyond the droid stood the di Plagia’s latest quarry, a human woman named Jasper Arlow. It perplexed him what she could have done to warrant the attention of a Grand Inquisitor, but orders were orders and it didn’t matter if they came from the Grand Master or not. The woman gave a confused look to the droid before she responded.

“I can’t just leave you Rex, I can help.”

Arden shook his head ever so slightly. “Somehow, I doubt that, but I’m not sure what running is going to accomplish here either. I’m going to catch you eventually and for every bit of effort I expend capturing you I’m going to expend an equal amount of effort making you regret that decision.”

“But,” the woman looked at the droid again and then at Arden with a look of confused innocence. “But I don’t even know what I did and now everyone wants to kill me.” The Sith’s reply was stern and without feeling. “If I wanted you dead Ms. Arlow, I would have placed a blaster bolt between your eyes before you even saw me. As for what you did, you associated with the Lotus. Beyond that neither I or my superiors care what you might have done.”

“Jasper, go, now,” the droid interrupted. “I’ll deal with this one.”

Before the woman could protest, the droid started charging towards the di Plagia. As the narrow catwalk presented no opportunity for off line evasion and the charge didn’t allow him time to pull a weapon, only one option presented itself. Dipping his shoulder and allowing the Force to supplement his strength, Arden stepped into the charge and interrupted the droid’s momentum. As the KX staggered backward, the di Plagia delivered a low kick into the droid’s slender legs, hoping to knock it to the ground. ‘Rex’, as it turned out, was noticeably lither than Arden expected and was able to avoid the strike. In return, the droid swung one of its lanky arms around with considerable strength. The Force gave him enough warning to partially twist out of the way, but the strike managed to catch him under the armpit with enough force to launch him away from the droid.

It took the Sith a moment to fully regain his footing and when he did he could hear the footsteps of the woman making at first a slow and then a hastier retreat down the catwalk. Arden simply stared at the droid, who glared right back at him.

“I could do this all day, human.” The droid’s familiar grim tone gave the words even more serious.

Arden’s reply was equally stern. “I’m sure, but I’m on a bit of a schedule, so let’s speed this up a bit.”

Without another word, Arden reached for his belt and removed his only occasionally used lightsaber. As he triggered it on, a golden sheaf of plasma snapped into existence. Spinning into a defensive position, Arden extended his other arm slightly and waved the droid towards him with his fingers.

Telaris "Mav" Cantor, 15 July, 2017 3:05 PM UTC

“I can’t just leave you Rex, I can help.”

Note the character has an accent, although we are a little light on this. I did not take off points here because there is limited dialogue.

Dipping his shoulder and allowing the Force to supplement his strength, Arden stepped into the charge and interrupted the droid’s momentum.

Even with amplification, a charging KX droid seems difficult to stop; moreover, smashing a shoulder into a charging droid, even with some enhanced might behind it, would still hurt. Droids are, after all, made of metal! This is a realism issue.

only occasionally used lightsaber.

I think this would be better as 'his lightsaber he only occasionally used'. As written, it suggests his lightsaber is what he primarily uses! I understood your intention and it is not wrong, but it is something to note for future posts.

Without another word, Arden reached for his belt and removed his only occasionally used lightsaber. As he triggered it on, a golden sheaf of plasma snapped into existence. Spinning into a defensive position, Arden extended his other arm slightly and waved the droid towards him with his fingers.

Given the two Combat aspects specifically about avoiding melee combat whenever possible, it seems weird to pull out a lightsaber now that Arden seems to have a bit of safe distance. The previous encounter made sense with those aspects as he was being charged on a narrow bridge, but now with both combatants safely separated, it would be best to explain why the aspects are not in play here.

The Sith was a meticulous planner, and with the erratic behavior of his mark, things had begun to fall apart at the seams. As far as he knew, battling the droid would be simple enough, with its tunnel-vision programming sure to make it predictable. The girl would be easier to catch than a whiff of cheap perfume in a Nar Shaddaa cantina. The latter was a certainty.

For a brief moment, the di Plagia regretted his choice of weapon. The brightly colored droid reached for the E-11 blaster strapped across its back, metal digits clicking against the grip of the floral painted gun. Rex rolled his shoulders, the newly replaced servos helping the joints glide smoothly. “As you wish,” the droid sighed.

Arden scowled as the KX droid unleashed a volley of fire. The Sith glided back with the grace of a loth-cat. His blade sang as it wove in tight coils, deflecting the shots with ease. Rex pressed forward, unwavering in his mission. Emerald bolts screeched into the whirling bulwark of Arden’s saber. A strand of jet black hair slipped from its tidy military style, green eyes seeming to glow with a patient fire.

A bolt found its way through the di Plagia’s artful movements, singeing the loose strand of hair as it rushed by his right ear. Arden’s lips drew tightly together into a thin line of disdain. He needed to either close the distance between them or find cover and switch to a ranged attack. His quarry was getting away and his time was far too valuable to be wasted on a child’s plaything.

The Human was efficient in his movements, calculating each stroke and bend, driving back against the heavy fire. There was a painful lack of obstacles, just the long, narrow paths spoked across the circular chamber like a wheel.

Rex maintained fire, advancing with slow, deliberate steps. He was not interested in actually fighting the man, but rather distracting him long enough for his owner to complete her task and escape. The droid occasionally shifted his attention across the refinery’s vast space, hoping to catch a glimpse of Jasper flickering between the plasma beams.

The Plagueian took his chance and rushed forward. He called to the darkest melodies of the Force, closing the distance between himself and the droid with the power of a cresting crescendo.

The droid’s attention snapped back just as a flash of gold slid clean through the barrel of Jasper’s favorite blaster.

“As I said, tight schedule,” Arden shrugged.

Rex’s eyes grew brighter as he clanked back a step, “I am a security droid, not a secretary.”

Not far off, Jasper shook her head, rubbing grease covered palms against her temples. Her mind was bouncing between her mission and her desire to safeguard her companion. Ironic, really, considering that he was designed to be her caretaker. Rex was more than a droid to the girl. He was one of her closest confidants, painstakingly built with scrap parts and a lot of love. To leave him behind? It felt wrong. It was wrong. A pang that lingered, hollow, in her heart. Her stomach churned, a wave of acidic heat rising in her throat.

Jasper reached into her jacket pocket as she ran away, producing a wad of chewing gum. If she couldn’t rid herself of the taste of betrayal, at least she could cleanse the prim and proper Coruscant accent she’d tried to play off earlier.

“I gotta quit tryin’ to talk all princess like. Mama’d be real cross.” Jasper’s chuckle was cut short as the ringing of blaster fire ceased. She paused, her small figure silhouetted by the torrent of brilliant white plasma that danced behind her. If Rex didn’t make it—she shook her head, willing away the dark thoughts. If she didn’t make it, so many more lives would be lost. Steeling her resolve, Jasper drove herself to run harder, refusing to be the next catalyst in the destructive blaze brought by the Iron Throne.

Telaris "Mav" Cantor, 15 July, 2017 3:38 PM UTC

A pang that lingered, hollow, in her heart.

At first read I thought this was contradictory towards the previous statement as in its typical usage as an adjective hollow has an altogether different connotation than the description that preceded it. Taking a second read, I suspect the issue comes from the usage of hollow here as an apparent adjective when its use as a noun might be more appropriate, e.g. in the hollow of her heart.

I gotta quit tryin’ to talk all princess like. Mama’d be real cross.”

We are usually pretty light on accents as long as they aren’t egregious shifts. They are not mentioned in the ACC guide, and in this case it did not require a judge attention. Note that if the accent is central to character identity, it should be in an Aspect.

Arden shook his head as he saw the human woman running down the catwalk. She’d be out of sight shortly and would become that much more difficult to track. He knew he had to dispatch, or at least disable, this droid quickly and efficiently if he had any hope of catching up to the woman. To that end he launched himself straight at the droid, who reflexively pulled back into a defensive stance, its lanky arms moving to protect its midsection. Little did it know Arden had no intention to strike high. At the last moment, he swung his blade at the droid’s legs, easily cutting through first the right and then the left leg just below what would pass for the knee. As the droid fell to the ground, the Sith stepped back and then called on the Force to make a running leap. His enhanced muscles gave him just barely cleared the droid’s reach and landed him closer to his target.

“Nice try.” The Sith quipped as he took off in pursuit of the woman, deactivating his lightsaber and returning it to his belt in the process. She already had a head start and was quick, so Arden needed to use the Force to keep within sight. He could feel the strain the exertion was putting on his body, but he pushed on the best he could. This target couldn’t get away, her capture was essential to whatever was coming, or so he was told. Arden still wondered why, but that didn’t matter, at least not yet. What did matter is that as his body protested more and more he knew that this chase would have to end before much longer. Given the situation, there was only one way that was going to happen.

Right after the chase exited a descending stairwell and into another long corridor, Arden unshouldered his rifle and stopped. He only a had a moment or two with a clear shot before Jasper turned another corner, but that was plenty of time. Taking aim with the aid of the F-11’s scope, the Plagueian took one breath and squeezed the trigger once. A moment later, the emerald bolt that leapt from the rifle ripped right into the woman’s left leg just above her knee. The instantaneous severing the tendons in her knee caused her to fall forward and into the durasteel floor. Arden advanced on the fallen woman slowly, rifle still trained on her fallen body. She slowly turned over and looked the approaching di Plagia right in the eyes as she leveled what looked like a wrist rocket at him.

“You best be stayin’ back you Inquisitor scum.” Her tone was threatening, but it was clear she had a hint of fear in her voice. Arden, for his part, kept a calm but firm tone. “You really think that will do more good than harm? Look at your surroundings, does it really seem wise to be firing off something like that in here?”

Jasper’s face contorted a moment, a suggestion she was considering the Sith’s words. “Perhaps, but it would blow you up good.”

Arden didn’t flinch. “Possibly, but at this distance you’re in almost as much danger. At least as likely is that you miss. In that case, at best you hit a non-critical area and set off every security monitor in this place. Pretty sure local security wouldn’t like that very much. Of course, there’s always the chance you do hit something critical. Who knows how many might die in that case.”

“You’re just tryin to,” Jasper responded but was promptly cut off by the Sith.

“Trick you?” Arden harrumphed as he flipped a switch on his rifle. “I might be a Sith but I’m also a practical person. Despite what you might think I am not a proponent of unnecessary death and collateral damage. Horrible for business in the long run.”

Jasper smiled slightly at the Sith’s comment. “You really think I’d buy into that line? Besides, there’s something you might know.”

Without another word, Jasper fired off the rocket right which impacted right at Arden’s feet. Instead of exploding, a plume of smoke erupted from the device. Normally this might have provided enough cover to get away, but not from Arden. He sighed, focused through the Force, and fired a bolt of blue energy into Jasper, fully incapacitating her.

Telaris "Mav" Cantor, 15 July, 2017 3:36 PM UTC

His enhanced muscles gave him just barely cleared the droid’s reach and landed him closer to his target.

Syntax here.

The instantaneous severing the tendons

Syntax again

Arden advanced on the fallen woman slowly, rifle still trained on her fallen body. he slowly turned over and looked the approaching di Plagia right in the eyes as she leveled what looked like a wrist rocket at him.

A little repetitive with adjectives here.

She slowly turned over and looked the approaching di Plagia right in the eyes as she leveled what looked like a wrist rocket at him.

The first reaction we see from her has nothing to do with pain or anguish from an incredibly painful injury. Realism hit here.

Normally this might have provided enough cover to get away...

Given Jasper's condition, this is a very odd statement... I know you are referring here to Arden's Feat, and I like that, but Jasper has just had her knee shot out and is crumpled on the ground. She's not about to crawl away before someone could clear the smoke bomb...

The ominous buzz of plasmic energy rang through her head as Jasper slammed into the wall at the end of the catwalk. Half-dazed, she managed to shove off it, gaining momentum as she pulled into a sprint once more. She was determined to complete her mission.

Jasper hardly noticed as her striped socks slipped down to her ankles, twin copper buns loosening with each step. The white-hot light of the refinery’s plasma columns flickered across the black walls. “Hold 'em off Rex,” Jasper whispered as she approached the next control station. “Jus’ gimme more time. Can’t let ‘em win.” She skidded to a halt at the switchboard, buttons illuminating as freckled hands flitted over them. “Gotta be the good,” she reminded herself.

Her hair ties finally gave way, letting her long hair cascade over her shoulders. Frustrated, she pushed the curtain of copper from her face. Deft fingers pried up the circular plate that covered the station’s docking port, revealing a wiring mechanism within. Jasper worked methodically, connecting the series of plugs in their specific sequential order to her datapad. In spite of the looming dangers, she hummed as she worked, moving as seamlessly as if she were tying her shoes.

The encoded information downloaded from her device onto the hidden drive within the station’s board. With any luck, her assailant wouldn’t think past her capture and the Lotus intel would remain safe. The girl stood on her tiptoes, trying her hardest to see if Rex was still standing. There was nothing but pillars of white light and black walls in view. It reminded her of the Jedi and the Sith; how the darkness seemed to cage the light. She sighed, worrying at the inside of her lip.

With a cheerful warble, the datapad announced the completed upload. A gap-toothed grin pulled at the corners of her mouth as she removed the wiring harness. Jasper tucked the datapad under her arm and bounded down the catwalk again.

“Rex!” she shouted over the deafening noise, eyes searching the expanse of the refinery for her friend. Her energy fading, Jasper trudged around the edge of the chamber, the usual quickness to her steps slowing as she searched.

The girl passed yet another plasma column and froze mid-step. She sunk back against the black paneled wall and traced her tongue nervously over the edge of her teeth. Less than fifteen meters away, Arden loomed over the fallen body of her droid.

In that moment, she hated herself. She hated how missions had become more important than laughing. She hated how duty forced her to abandon her friends. But most of all, she hated being afraid.

Summoning all of her courage, Jasper raced towards the Sith.

Arden raised his saber above his head, one hand outstretched before him. Then, like an ancient clock, he pivoted, arms sweeping wide as he delivered the fatal blow to Jasper’s companion.

“N-no... No. No. No!” she cried.

Moments too late, Jasper threw herself beside the body of her droid. Copper hair spilled around his smoldering, plated chest. She pressed her ear to his forehead, desperate to hear any sign of his internal circuitry whirling.

Silence.

Arden straightened himself, smoothing the folds of his clothes. “I did warn you.”

Sniffling through ragged breaths, Jasper pushed herself up, slowly lifting her gaze to meet the murderer who stood before her. “Ya didn’ hav’ta kill em,” she hissed, her normal sing-song twang dripping with a newfound anger. “Yer stupid magic pow’rs broke if ya can’t jus snatch up a lil girl without killin’ people.” Her eyes, brilliant emerald against tear-stained red, watched the Sith—dared him.

His stoic countenance was unwavering as he extinguished his golden blade. “Droids are not people, Ms—”

Jasper’s beastial roar cut the Sith short, as she lunged at him. Unsurprised, Arden let the girl collide with him, staggering only slightly as her meager weight did little against his mass. She stepped back, charging at him again and again, pounding against his chest each time. The Warlord patiently endured her feeble attacks until, exhausted, she failed to push away from him.

He shoved her to the side and snapped his fingers around her wrist, squeezing until she whimpered. “I made a promise, Ms. Arlow.” The Sith turned on his heel, dragging her down the catwalk towards the hangar bay. He smirked, enjoying the anger and pain the Force leached from her broken soul. “You will regret running.”

Telaris "Mav" Cantor, 15 July, 2017 4:56 PM UTC

Arden straightened himself, smoothing the folds of his clothes. “I did warn you.”

Nice touch here.