Battlelord Maenaki Dalevi'in vs. Seer Qor Palpatine

Battlelord Maenaki Dalevi'in

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Sephi, Sith, Seeker
vs.

Seer Qor Palpatine

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Quarren, Force Disciple, Techweaver
Comment

This was certainly an interesting match. I am proud of both of you for seeing it through, and think you both did a good job of working with the venue to tell your story. Please see my notes for more details, but in the end, Maenaki's writing was more clear and she had no issues with realism that I was able to see. Qor's conclusion seemed very jarring to me based on how he wrote Maenaki reacting, and it matters when it leads to how Qor executes her and thus concludes the story. I also noted Qor's introspection of knowing that Maenaki "dressed to impress and followed the code of her family". This match goes to Maenaki.

Lexic: on a side general note, your storytelling is actually very good when it comes to introducing interesting elements like the shuttle and the body. If you continue to practice on clearing up your writing and making it so that a reader can really visualize what's going on without having to re-read sentences a few times, I think you will really improve and grow as a writer.

Thank you both, and I hope my notes are adequate as I look forward to seeing you both in more matches.

-W

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlelord Maenaki Dalevi'in, Seer Qor Palpatine
Winner Battlelord Maenaki Dalevi'in
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlelord Maenaki Dalevi'in's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Seer Qor Palpatine's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Hoth: Ice Cave
Last Post 11 July, 2017 8:24 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Maenaki Delavi'in Qor Kith
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Few small errors noted in comments. Rationale: Repeated errors throughout.
Story - 40%
Maenaki Delavi'in Qor Kith
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Your writing very solid and moved the story along well. Great description and use of the venue, the cold, and with the interaction between both characters based on their personalities and how they contrasted. The introduction took a bit too long to get to the action for me, which held you back here slightly. The ending engagement was brutal, though, and was interesting and stood out to me as a reader. Rationale: You did a good job trying to work in elements of a larger narrative, and working off of the intro that you were given. Some of the writing was confusing at times and I had a hard time visualizing what was going on. The dialogue was clunky at points, but nothing that really dragged it down.
Realism - 25%
Maenaki Delavi'in Qor Kith
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues I found. Rationale: The conclusion of the fight, and the portrayal of Maenaki's character in how she interacts with Qor.
Continuity - 20%
Maenaki Delavi'in Qor Kith
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None I found. Rationale: None I found.
Maenaki Delavi'in's Score: 4.45 Qor Kith's Score: 3.65
Posts

Hoth Ice Cave

On the fringes of the Outer Rim territories and famous for being the one-time location of the Rebel Alliance, Hoth is a frigid world marred with fissures created from the tidal pull of Hoth’s three moons. Blanketed in a frozen ocean, massive oceanic currents beneath the southern hemisphere are the cause of constant seismic activities that result in a constantly shifting landscape of tunnels and caves.

Buried into the side of a fissure reaching hundreds of meters into the core of the planet is a network of tunnels leading into a cave. Its sole entrance is suspended within the wall of the fissure, requiring one to rappel down the dangerous crevasse and into the tunnels; one small miscalculation could send explorers descending the rest of the unmeasured height deep within the planet’s core.

Hoth Ice Cave

Insulated under several hundred meters of ice in all directions, the cave is protected against the gale force winds and the intense snowstorms that sweep along the planet’s surface. As a result, the cave is warmer than most of Hoth’s unforgiving cold with melting icicles dangling precariously overhead. In turn, this allows for more life to grow in addition to being a promising habitat for the hulking wampas that have been trapped this far below the surface. Beginning to thaw, it is obvious that this cave will eventually fall victim to seismic activity and disappear into the sheets of ice that surround it. Illuminating the cave’s interior with a dull blue glow, the luminous forms of lichen have taken up residence among the bones of the creatures unfortunate enough to be trapped here.

Caution must be exercised if one is to navigate the slippery slopes of the cave as melted icicles drip onto the cavern’s floor surface. In one corner of the cave, the ocean water has accumulated to form a large pool, providing sustenance to the rare lumni-spice growing within the crystalline complex, never to see the blue-white sun.

Maenaki’s aqua eyes narrowed in an attempt to shelter her gaze from the bright snow. Her shuttle approached its destination and she finally saw the frozen and desolate cave’s fanged maw. Her pink skin was flush, yet her face remained placid as she scanned the scene. The Seeker took in the sight of glistening stalactites, coming to terms with the simple fact that no amount of anger would warm her once the shuttle abandoned her to the freezing horror that was Hoth. She watched a herd of tauntauns scatter beneath the descending vehicle as the doors opened.

The Seltron clenched her teeth as she saw the distance she still had left to rappel down before she reached the cave entrance, lacing the rope beneath her thighs and gripping the cord in both hands. She pushed off from the shuttle’s side, pulling in a deep breath as she tried to slowly lower herself at a controlled pace.

However, she felt her hands slipping halfway through her descent and her legs began to shake. Maenaki could almost picture herself dropping into the abyss that waited below. With a startled cry, she used what momentum she had to drive herself closer to the ledge as her grip gave out and she tumbled through the air. The cord abruptly halted her a few feet from the cave’s lip, the rope tangling around her thigh and tightening painfully.

The Scion looked down into the vast empty pit below her - hope dissolving with each swing and every tug of the rope - a figure walked out to the lip of the cave.The creature stood out against the snow in a motley cloak, sapphire eyes peering out from beneath the hood, unblinking against the devastating cold.The slight glimpse Maenaki caught from under the shaded fabric horrified her: Writhing orange appendages wriggled against the creature’s mouth .The Seeker held out her arm as she swung back, realizing that she was quickly running out of time. Her shuttle began to ascend and as it did, she felt a sudden pressure on her body, like a giant hand was pulling her back toward the ledge. She saw a quick flash of brilliant green and felt herself falling.

With instinctual panic, the Seltron reached out, hoping to snatch the strange man’s robe and stop herself from careening over the edge. His eyes went wide and she felt something clammy, almost slick, wriggling between her fingers. In horror and disgust she nearly let go, instead tightening her grip and pulling herself forward as he reeled back, yelling in pain, waving around his blazing lightsaber dangerously. The next instant Maenaki lost her hold, falling face-first into the cold stone and feeling her blood well up and freeze on her cheek.

She struggled to kneel, looking first at the saberstaff in the man’s left hand and then to his feet. She moved her gaze slowly up his robes, acknowledging the fact that he wore a medical officer’s uniform.

Why would they send a medic here?

As the man-creature looked at her quizzically, seeming to contemplate the danger of the woman before him, Maenaki held out her right hand to him.

“If you would be so kind?” she spoke gently, motioning for him to help her to her feet. “I do not, as yet, trust my legs to hold me.”

“What Clan do you serve?” he asked before smoothly directing the tip of his double-bladed lightsaber towards her face.

“I serve the Lady Consul of Arcona.”

“Your mission?” his pupilless eyes narrowed as he asked.

“I...am not certain,” she said with uncomfortable sincerity. “I was told I was to find something here in this frozen hell. I would know it when I saw it. I was told this was, a challenge of loyalty. I was not made aware that other factions would be looking for it as well. My name is…”

Before she could finish, they heard a primal growl and he whipped around, redirecting his weapon towards the sound. Maenaki remained crouched down as a hulking beast lumbered its way from behind a large stalagmite. The Scion grasped a piece of outcropping stone, amplifying what little strength she had, and pulled herself behind it, releasing her electro-whip as she moved. As she came around the other side of the flowstone she lashed out just as the beast lunged towards her rescuer.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 July, 2017 2:50 AM UTC

cave.The

spacing issues.

cold.Th

As it bounced and lunged itself towards Qor Palpatine, the beast leaped from the icy floor and grappled onto its prey. The Quarren’s aim wasn’t true this moment, as he slammed into the hard floor. Maenaki’s electro-whip cracked against the matted white fur of the beast, and crimson light burst from the tip. But it didn’t phase the monster. Thrashing its claws and biting down on Qor’s arm, the beast was drawing blood from him and began roaring in delight.

“Help me, Hybrid! Please!” Qor wailed as the beast bit down on his arm. The crunch of tooth against bone sickened the Seltron down to her stomach, but she refused to show it.

While distracted, Maenaki ignited her shoto lightsaber with a snap-hiss and circled to flank the beast. Her stare was cold and dead, as she kept her weapon at bay and watched.

“I will help you. But only if you make a promise,” was her calm reply.

“Yes, anything! Just get it off!”

“I want you to promise, that no matter what happens, you will help me get to this challenge deep within,” her calm voice rose to a stern lilt. This was her demand, her price for obedience.

“I promise, agh!” The beast tugged and yanked at his cracked bones, as it tore at the flesh. “Just kill it!”

The ruby blade speared into the spine of the beast and sizzled against the cauterised flesh, as the red glow of the blade began to burn hair and melt ice. Coiling and writhing against the great pain of the lightsaber, the monster began to jump over Qor and tumble towards the cave edge. Its bloodied claws latched onto Qor’s ankle and yanked him as his prisoner.

“No!” Qor yelled as he stabbed his lightsaber into the ice, it served as an anchor as the beast slid closer to the edge. His muscles at war with each other as they grew tighter from the weight of the beast, the Quarren had to think fast.

Qor turned towards the monster who scrambled on the icy ramp, and he opened his palm towards it. With some concentration, a coil of the Force began swirling into his palm. It crossed and knotted and tightened against his palm, until the stress began to cause numbness in Qor’s hand. As hard as he could, the Seer slapped his hand into the ice and detonated the Force into a telekinetic wave. It blossomed and swirled outwards, then knocked the beast cleanly from Qor’s ankle. The frightened wails of the monster echoed out as his body soared into the dark abyss of Hoth.

Struggling to stand, the Quarren started yanking the lightsaber from the ice as his arms began shaking at the elbows.

“Oh thanks for the help, professor! You could have gotten your only chance at winning this challenge killed!” Qor roared as he concentrated the Force to his wounds and pain.

“Excuse me? If I didn’t stab the beast, my chance at this challenge would have been mauled into a three-course dinner, very efficiently too.” Maenaki sighed and walked down the blue tunnel.

Why did I sign up for this mission? This noble lady will kill me. Qor said in his native tongue. Maenaki picked up the odd dialect, the use of bubbles against his lips, the soft clicks from his teeth. She found it strange, but was still curious.

Qor pushed his weight onto the nearby wall to rise onto his good foot, while he stared at his cut ankle. The fabric was destroyed, as was the skin. However his muscle and cartilage remained largely unscathed. He concentrated the Force onto his wounds, as he deactivated the lightsaber and placed it back onto his belt. The Quarren pushed himself from the wall and limped forward as he followed the Seltron.

“Fine, I will serve as your resistance to this planet. But you better start telling the truth, or this truce will get sticky.” Qor reluctantly said, as his face twitched with the immense pain.

“Of course, but first answer me this,” her shoto lightsaber swung up and pointed at Qor’s neck. He already had his hand firmly on his own weapon. “Why did you call me hybrid?”

Qor laughed as he limped back slightly, he edged from the humming blade.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 July, 2017 2:59 AM UTC

The Quarren’s aim wasn’t true this moment, as he slammed into the hard floor.

Her stare was cold and dead, as she kept her weapon at bay and watched.

“No!” Qor yelled as he stabbed his lightsaber into the ice, it served as an anchor as the beast slid closer to the edge.

comma splices

His muscles at war with each other as they grew tighter from the weight of the beast, the Quarren had to think fast.

muscles were at war

Maenaki’s ears swiveled as she hid her contempt for his rudeness, filing it away in her memory for later. She deactivated her lightsaber and took a step back, giving him a courteous smile.

“If you wouldn’t mind, please just call me Mae instead.”

Why he immediately assumed she was a ‘hybrid’ was of no real concern to her at this time. The Scion wiped the specks of blood from her hands as she slipped her lightsaber back into the loop hidden in her skirt and wrapped her electro-whip into a tight coil, deciding to keep it in her grip instead of latching it back to her belt. The Seltron waited until the man deactivated his weapon as well before turning to look deeper into the cave.

Maenaki could feel her fingers going numb and she fought to retain control of her body, bringing her hands up to her mouth and frozen nose in attempts to warm them. She shivered and then forced herself to halt the tremors. It would not last long, but hopefully would be enough to get her through this frigid nightmare.

“We should move quickly. Whatever I need to find in here should be closer to the throat of the cave.” Mae brushed a strand of hair over her ear and smiled sweetly at the man. “You never told me your name. After all it’s only polite.”

The disgusting creature burbled something from between his slimy looking facial appendages before laughing again, presumably due to the look of confusion on her face.

“Or, you can just call me Qor. Should you be able to pronounce it.” He gave Mae an amused chuckle, which she returned politely as she hid her glare. The Seeker pushed aside dark thoughts and carefully stepped past him and further into the cave. Her ears twitched and she quickly turned to the left, immediately slipping on a frozen rock and falling hard onto her rear.

“Ugh!” she gasped, the wind forced from her lungs as she gripped a stalagmite and tried to pull herself up. Behind her Qor laughed, watching as the Arconan slipped again, her face practically glowing red with frustration and embarrassment. Maenaki suddenly stopped moving, heaving breaths, her face turned away from him and her empty hand slipping off the icy rock face as her body began to shake.

“Oh, come now, it’s not that bad. Let’s get you up and back to this.” Still snickering, Qor reached towards the — now sobbing — woman, moving to help her to her feet. Before he could throw himself back, the Shadow Scion’s shin came up between the man’s legs. She was not fully certain of his anatomy, but her shinbone connected with something squishy and the Quarren dropped with a gasp. A popping sound reverberated through the cave as the air gushed from his lungs, droplets of ink slipping from between his tentacles.

She lashed out with her other hand, pulling on as much of the Force as she could and snatching his shirt. A smug grin on her face, she yanked him close and snapped something around his neck. As Qor moved to activate his lightsaber, a sudden wave of agony exploded throughout his every nerve. His fist suddenly squeezed his lightsaber, his thumb barely missing the activation switch, as his muscles seized from the electrical current that flooded his nervous system.

A foul smell filled the cave and Maenaki let out a laugh as she drove her fist into the Quarren’s throat, watching him reel back with a gasp. The Seltron pushed herself up and into his lap, his buckling knees assisted with forcing him to the ground. She held the button that activated his collar in front of his sapphire eyes, her other hand wrapping her whip around his neck like a leash, leaving about a foot of length to the hilt. She grinned, standing up and depressing both switches at once.

When his muscles once again went slack, the Battlelord removed his weapon from his grasp with a precise kick.

Do not move,” her calm voice echoed in the Quarren’s skull, freezing him in place

The Shadow Scion pushed her sleeve up her arm, exposing her wrist link. She quickly activated both devices, watching joyfully as man spasmed, giving him a reason to blow spit and ink bubbles.

“Lady Arconae, Hoth was unable to provide us with answers,” she smiled sweetly at Qor, “but I’ve apprehended someone who might.”

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 July, 2017 3:12 AM UTC

Her ears twitched and she quickly turned to the left, immediately slipping on a frozen rock and falling hard onto her rear.

classic Mae.

She was not fully certain of his anatomy, but her shinbone connected with something squishy and the Quarren dropped with a gasp

Ow. Of course it was a ruse.

“Heh, you cannot fool this doctor. Bright green eyes, pink pigments in your skin and those adventurous eyes do not belong to the Sephi you dress to be. I’ve seen Zeltrons with less pink than you have on your skin. They were albinos, but that is not the point.”

“Then what is the point, doctor squid?”

“The point is, you dress to impress, follow the code of your family and enjoy life as you are given it, but deep down something lurks. A pleasure slave clawing to get out. Someday, you will have to accept your hormones and emotions, or that polished cage will rust away.”

“We’re wasting time,” Maenaki turned and left for the tunnel, her heels clicked against the ice as they carried her. Qor slowly limped behind, his wounds slowly healed with the Force.

Beneath their feet was a soft rumble and vibration, as the ice itself moved and creaked.

“We are not safe here,” Maenaki whispered, as her hand gripped tightly onto her shoto lightsaber. The crimson blade hummed softly, which she felt protected her for now. Then she noticed something odd in the distance, something rather out of place. Angled rectangular shapes and rust perturbed from the ice that covered it, as silver cylinders curved against the body of the thing.

“Is that a...shuttle?” She questioned, as she stepped closer in wonder.

Qor slowly looked up to see the craft in the ice, then walked over and prodded the window softly.

“Whatever it is, there’s something inside,” Qor said to the Seltron, as she walked through the cool water. She was unaffected by its coldness.

“Open it,” Maenaki asked. Qor took out his lightsaber and ignited the blade, then began to slowly melt the ice around the craft, as he carved skinny pieces away. Eventually an access pad appeared and the Quarren planted his palm against the panel. While Qor closed his eyes and concentrated on the Force, Mae deactivated her lightsaber and placed it back onto her belt, as she curiously watched.

“Did you know that an escape pod would be down here?” Qor asked.

“No,” Mae shook her head slowly, as she heard the clunking of mechanisms within. “Only that it would aid my Clan against the Iron Legion supremely.”

“Supremely?” Qor furrowed his leathery forehead as the hatch slowly began to open. “Your Shadow Lady is so sure the thing inside can aid you?”

Hiss!

The pressure of oxygen inside seeped from the edges, as the musky air wafted across the duo. Maenaki moved closer to the craft and Quarren, as her hand slowly unfurled with a stiletto.

“What is it?” She whispered to Qor, who began to shove the hatch up. Spindly arms and a bearded mouth fell towards the Quarren and shoved onto him. The Seer tugged and yanked the body from him, and set it onto the cold floor.

Maenaki seized the moment of surprise and stepped towards the Quarren, her needle-like blade pricked and stabbed his skin. Qor yelped and jumped as he spun around and yanked his lightsaber free, using the deactivated butt to beat down the Seltron.

“It is mine!” She shouted as she backed away, then shot her hand forward.

Whispers of demands, orders and threats vibrated through Qor’s mind, as he felt his body grow stiff. The Force locked his joints and caused his body to freeze, just like the craft’s corpse.

“Bring me the body or you will die,” Mae whispered.

“Never!” Qor stuttered but he managed to break his voice free. The mind of the Quarren fought back with valiant effort, as his arms were forced against their will. Her fingers dangling in the air as she smirked, Maenaki motioned for the Quarren to aim the lightsaber at his own face. But as Qor’s arms shook and resisted, the Seltron’s forehead strained as beads of sweat dropped down.

“No! You will obey!” She screamed, but it was too late. Qor finally broke free and turned on her. As he limped towards her, Maenaki fell to her knees in exhaustion from the battle in his mind. Qor’s lightsaber ignited and swung around instinctively. A soft sizzle breathed from her freshly cauterised neck, while her head dropped and rolled to the pond. With a heavy sigh, Qor deactivated the weapon and leaned over. The pain of the wounds were too much to stand on.

He coughed, blood fell into his open palm. “Ugh, great.”

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 July, 2017 3:37 AM UTC

“The point is, you dress to impress, follow the code of your family and enjoy life as you are given it, but deep down something lurks. A pleasure slave clawing to get out. Someday, you will have to accept your hormones and emotions, or that polished cage will rust away.”

That's a lot of introspection there just from looking at her.

“We’re wasting time,” Maenaki turned and left for the tunnel, her heels clicked against the ice as they carried her.

heels clicking

Maenaki seized the moment of surprise and stepped towards the Quarren, her needle-like blade pricked and stabbed his skin. Qor yelped and jumped as he spun around and yanked his lightsaber free, using the deactivated butt to beat down the Seltron.

“It is mine!” She shouted as she backed away, then shot her hand forward.

Maenaki's Aspects all speak to how controlled, calculating, and manipulative she is. There is no reason in the context of the match, that I see, that she would try and shank Qor at this point of the discovery. It doesn't serve her much and gets her into a fight with someone she can't beat in battle. Which is exactly what you have happen. The dialogue is off and seems vastly out of character.