Professional Jasper Arlow vs. Augur Alaris Jinn

Professional Jasper Arlow

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Female Human, Mercenary, Scavenger
vs.

Augur Alaris Jinn

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Twi'lek, Force Disciple, Seeker
Comment

Thank you both for participating and seeing this match through to completion.

Honesty up front: this was a joy to judge. Mostly because there was very little to comment on. I got to focus on the good and happy things, rather than worrying I would come across as a red pen wielding maniac. [Editor's Note: Not to say that he isn't that, just less obvious.]

You both crafted an interesting story that was unified throughout the posts. It gave the impression of being crafted together rather than competing for attention. You both did a lot of things very, very right. You managed to balance a non-obviously antagonistic encounter and keep it as a competing conflict between the characters, even if the droid was heavily involved as the blunt instrument.

In the end, it came down to the smallest of errors. I hate to even pick a winner, but the scale is tipped just so in the favor of Alaris Jinn.

Looking forward to judging more of your individual efforts in the future!

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Professional Jasper Arlow, Augur Alaris Jinn
Winner Augur Alaris Jinn
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Professional Jasper Arlow's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Augur Alaris Jinn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ahch-To: Ancient Islands
Last Post 13 July, 2017 5:58 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Adept Alaris Jinn Jasper Arlow
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Only a few minor issues. Rationale: Only a few minor issues.
Story - 40%
Adept Alaris Jinn Jasper Arlow
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Very well written, especially the recurring theme of "this is how I die" in your first post. While more could have been done to alleviate the abrupt ending, it really held up with your opponent's posts and weaved a narrative that survived relatively unscathed throughout. The flow was maintained and kept interesting. Rationale: This was a very well written match, keeping up the conflict between the characters without there being much actual antagonism between them. It was interesting and painted an equally attention grabbing image. I was a bit confused about the time skip at the end, but it worked for the most part.
Realism - 25%
Adept Alaris Jinn Jasper Arlow
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: None that were noted. Rationale: Very minor issue in the first post, breaking with his Aspects without suitable cause.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Alaris Jinn Jasper Arlow
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None that were noted. Rationale: None that were noted.
Adept Alaris Jinn's Score: 4.45 Jasper Arlow's Score: 4.2
Posts

header

The ocean world of Ahch-To looks to be nothing but blue seas from the distance of space. Dotting the oceans, however, are chains of rocky island that jut upwards to form shallow, sloping mountain ranges with small, flattened plateaus. Rich green trees and other small flora grow along the sedimentary stone, untouched by anything more than small avian creatures looking for a place to nest.Carved into the stones of the various Island’s are sets of winding, ascending and man made pathways.

The crisp, clean, air that wisps off the water planet help cool and maintain a fairly even tropical temperature during the day, with a healthy chill at sunset. Storms have been reported to flare up from time to time, leaving only the highest points of the islands safe from a rising tide.

[header](Asset Not Found)

The Islands themselves remain a mystery to this day. The oceans themselves are still uncharted and unexplored. No one knows how the stairs, statutes, and other sporadic architecture came to be on the Islands. It was rumored, however, that they were indeed the home of first Jedi Temple back when the ancient order was first formed.

Low, creeping clouds veiled the sun. Seabirds made their way to roost, seeking shelter from the coming rains. A dark storm rolled along the horizon, threatening the island with boastful flickers of lightning. Alaris Jinn inhaled the scent of the saturated earth as he crossed the mesa. An abandoned rock was the last place he wished to be stranded on, especially on the cusp of war.

It could take days for the droid brain of his shuttle to repair the damage to the left wing. It would take the Taldryan fleet even longer to spare an engineer and recovery team. Alaris grit his teeth and marched across the mossy plateau.

At least there was someone else on the island to occupy his time. The campfire he’d spotted while landing proved that much. Perhaps, if he were lucky, it would be a mechanic. He almost chuckled to himself. On Ahch-To? He wouldn’t hold his breath.

A short while later, he found the small campsite nestled in a clearing beyond a cluster of trees. There, beside a fire, roasting what appeared to be marshmallows, chatted a copper-haired girl and a garishly painted KX droid.

With no need to conceal himself any longer, Alaris stepped out into the clearing. Before he could utter a single word, the girl’s head whipped around. A bright, gap-toothed smile greeted him as she waved, completely unfazed by his sudden appearance.

“Hiya! You tha one flyin’ that fancy Upsilon? We saw ya comin’ in! Here fer campin’ or got ship troubles? Rex an’ me're here fer vacashun, but I’m purty good at fixin’ things, if ya need help.”

It seems my luck is improving, Alaris thought, a smile creeping across his lips.

Jasper studied him, unaware that her marshmallow had caught on fire. “Ya know, I ain’t never seen a blue Twilight like—”

“Twi’lek,” Alaris’ eye twitched as he corrected her.

“Right! Sorry. Twi-lick. Oh, where’s my manners at? I’m Jasper and he’s Rex,” she pointed at the droid. “Ya wanna marshie?” Jasper swung the stick in the air carelessly towards the man. Her smile faded as she watched the flaming blob of sugar hurtle through the air. The fireball landed on his pristine black cloak with a triumphant splat.

Alaris grimaced.

Mortified, the girl sprang up and bounded over to Jinn. “Hold still. Imma fix it!” Kneeling down, she clapped both hands around the molten marshmallow only to snap them back, a yelp escaping her lips. Jasper waved her burnt fingers wildly in a poor effort to cool them. Then, thrown off balance by her own flailing, she reeled back, landing in a heap on the mossy ground.

The sudden clatter of metal against rock drew Alaris’ attention away from the girl at his feet. Her droid, yellow eyes glowing, charged forward with no clear intent on stopping.

Unbeknownst to the Seeker, Jasper’s scream initiated Rex’s combat protocol, sending the droid into a defensive frenzy. The droid rushed past his owner and, had Alaris been less nimble, would have crashed into him.

Instead, Alaris pivoted, instinctively igniting his viridian blade and turning slightly to diminish his profile. He lowered his head, prepared for the droid’s next attack. “So much for formalities,” the Taldryan muttered under his breath.

“Rex! He didn’t do nothin’!” Jasper staggered to her feet, trying to initiate the droid’s caretaker subroutine and override his combat program. “Guess I shoulda run more tests,” she sighed, rushing to tackle her brightly painted companion.

Despite Jasper's protest, Rex squared himself against the Dark Jedi. “You have harmed my Commander. You must be terminated.” He drew the E-11 Blaster from his back and immediately opened fire on the man.

“I did no such thing,” the words dripped sourly as Alaris aggressively batted away each screeching bolt. “Besides,” he coiled back, “she ruined my damn cloak.” As if to punctuate his words, Alaris set free the black mantle and burst forward, viridian saber whirling with each chaotic stroke.

The short girl lunged at Rex, narrowly missing him as he pressed on. Determined to stop the fighting, Jasper collected herself and sprinted around the two combatants, bee-lining straight for the blue-skinned man. “Real sorry ‘bout this, Mister Twi-lick!”

Alaris audibly sighed. “Idiots!” The moment before impact, he angled his blade forward, managing to deflect Rex’s errant blaster bolts while still ensuring Jasper’s survival. He almost regretted his decision as the girl tackled him.

Darth Renatus, 20 July, 2017 11:51 PM UTC

Story

I like the set-up here. You got good reasoning for the "why" of things and also carried out an actual back and forth conflict that wasn't entirely antagonistic, but still so. Especially the attack of the mallow.

Realism

The moment before impact, he angled his blade forward, managing to deflect Rex’s errant blaster bolts while still ensuring Jasper’s survival.

Based on Alaris' aspects ("Just Plain Selfish" and "You've Failed Me For the Last Time") I just don't see this as a realistic course of action for him. Yes, he may need to keep her alive to fix his shuttle... but you didn't explain why he saved her so we are left to guess. He would do anything to ensure his own survival, even sacrifice an ally. Why would he save this stranger? Perhaps by killing its own charge, the droid would shut down? This is just a very minor hit, because it broke against the Aspects without providing a reason. Everything from this point on is fine as it maintains the continuity of this break.

This is how I die? Death had, admittedly, long been a topic of contemplation for Alaris. His top ten list had highlights including, but not limited to: Pravus’s lightning, Turel’s lightsaber, falling from a tower after a miscalculated jump, and being chased to death by a herd of topless women. Death by redhead had never flitted across his imagination. Yet, here he was, ass over teakettle, being held down by a fiery little coppertop as Rex, as she had called the droid, continued its assault.

This is how I die.

It took some effort, but Alaris managed to push Jasper off him and scramble to his feet. He turned to face Jasper’s droid, ready to make quick work of the tin can. It was only then that he noticed that Jasper’s tackle had left him without a lightsaber with which to defend himself. His spun his head on a swivel, looking for the black and silver hilt. His eyes had only barely locked into it, sitting several meters away, when a scream in the Force yanked him in the opposite direction.

Another volley of blaster bolts scorched the air where Alaris had just been, over the head of the young gearhead still sitting on her rear. She covered her noggin instinctively and blurted out, “Rex, you idjit! Stop yer infernal blastin’!”

The droid ignored her and sent another shot at the rutian. The shot deflected harmlessly into the dirt. Alaris had drawn a violet blade from its sheath and each shot that head his way, if it wasn’t already going to miss, found a new trajectory off the kukri. He repositioned himself between the droid and the girl.

“How long-” bzztinnng “-does he-” pzeew “-go on like-” tllaang “-this?”

“Pro’bly ‘til yer a crater, Mister,” the Corellian Belle admitted.

Alaris swore and began to advance on Rex. The droid realized his approach wasn’t working and stopped firing. It started pumping its purple and yellow legs and ran straight at the Twi’lek. Alaris planted himself and prepared to make his move.

“Nooooooooooooooo!”

Alaris swung up with the kukri just as Jasper tackled him again, this time from behind. The two organics tumbled forward into the oncoming droid and all three crashed to the ground in an unceremonious heap of limbs. Jasper and Alaris both struggled around each other, each trying to get on top of Rex and pin him down.

After some struggle, the droid stopped fighting and the two unlikely allies were able to keep him pinned. They stayed in that position for a few moments gasping for breath, then Jasper rolled off Rex onto her back and let out the biggest laugh Alaris had ever heard. At first, the Twi’lek just stared at her incredulously, yet slowly, but surely, he discovered her laugh was infectious and he found himself letting out a loud belly laugh. He didn’t even care that he was getting his robes dirty. Joy just overtook him.

After a few moments, and wiping away several tears, Alaris and Jasper finally felt the hysteria subsiding and sat up. The giggling kept going from the girl a little longer than Alaris allowed, but he could only admit that he had found things enjoyable. The two finally got back to their feet and dusted themselves off a bit.

Still giggling, Jasper bent over and picked up Alaris’s kukri. “Here ya are, Mister Twy-lick.” She handed it over to him and only then noticed that there was blood on it. She looked up from the blade at the limb that held it and saw a long slice along her forearm. Her eyes widened and she quickly looked down at Rex, who had also sat up and was staring right at the shallow wound.

If a droid’s eyes could narrow, that would have been the look as it quickly moved its piercing gaze from Jasper’s arm to Alaris’s face. Alaris wasn’t sure if droids could feel anger, but Rex seemed to be its personification all of a sudden.

He frowned.

This is how I die.

Darth Renatus, 20 July, 2017 11:57 PM UTC

Syntax

His spun his head on a swivel

Should be "he spun".

locked into it

Should be "onto".


Story

I like what you did here in carrying on a theme throughout the writing that is enjoyable to follow while making sense within the context.

Rex’s metal fist connected with the Rutian’s jaw moments before he heard the scream of warning through the Force. Alaris slammed into the ground, skidding to a halt at the base of the nearby rocks.

As Rex lifted Kiss Kiss from the ground beside him and began to rise to his feet, Jasper leapt onto the droid’s back. Sighing sadly, the girl concluded that there was only one way to prevent the assault of her newfound friend. The Odanite wrapped her arm around Rex’s neck and rummaged through the tool pouch on her hip. If she couldn’t override his combat protocol, she would have to shut him down manually.

Just as Jasper managed to find her needed tool, she paused, the distinctively cloying scent of toasted marshmallows wafting through the air. She looked up at the sky, now blanketed with dark thunderclouds overhead. Tha’s weird… I didn’ think storms smelled like marshies...

Jasper’s attention snapped back as Rex opened fire the Dark Jedi yet again. She quickly set to work prying up a small power panel, while clinging precariously from the charging droid.

Meanwhile, Alaris had managed to secure his lightsaber. He steadied his breathing as he parried, his viridian blade casting aside each bolt with a defiant crack. Rex pushed onward, forcing Alaris to take cover behind the rocks. Shots ricocheted across the boulders, a few grazing past too close for comfort. The Augur took a deep breath, readying himself for the final charge. If she couldn’t stop the droid, he’d have to do it himself.

The onslaught of blaster fire suddenly ceased.

Alaris peered from behind the rock slowly. He watched, with brows raised, as Jasper slipped from the back of her droid and landed on the ground with a thud. The yellow light of the droid’s eyes flickered out as he collapsed to his knees and fell forward into the dirt.

Without warning, Jasper erupted into yet another bout of giggles, before rolling around on the moss covered ground. “Rex! Mister Twi-lick! Come ’n make snow angels!” She spread her arms wide, waving them up and down while similarly kicking apart her legs, completely oblivious to her powered-down companion and the Taldryan.

Alaris stared at her quizzically, What the kark is she― his gaze drifted down to his kukri, now at his feet. His eyes widened with the realization that he had unintentionally poisoned her with a sizeable dose of hallucinogens. Relieved that she’d managed to power down the droid, he made his way to the girl across the clearing.

“O-oh... mah good gravy…” Jasper staggered to her feet, her head spinning. Her vision blurred with each flash of lightning that split the sky above them. She shook her head in disbelief as the approaching man transformed. The spider-frenzied sparks of the storm cast him in an eerie flicker of shadow and light. “Uh, Mister?” Jasper closed her eyes and rubbed them, certain that she was only seeing things.

She finally opened her eyes again. There, towering above her, stood a giant, flaming blue marshmallow. It lumbered towards her on oozing legs, dripping hands reaching out to grab her as it opened its fiery jaws and let loose a thundering bellow.

The roar rumbled through her and she finally screamed. Jasper slammed her blistered hand against her left hip, searching for the grip of her DL-21 blaster there.

Brandishing the pistol, she leveled it at the approaching monster. “Tag! Yer it!” Jasper pulled the trigger, sending a scatter of energy arcing towards the Alaris-turned-Marshmonster.

He effortlessly glanced the bolts aside as he raised a hand before her and slyly waved his fingers, “I am a friend.

The blaster tumbled from Jasper’s hand as his words slipped through her mind as easily as a pleasant melody. “Yer a friend,” she replied, almost entranced.

Alaris grinned and extinguished his blade, relieved that it was finally over.


As they descended the stone pathway leading to Alaris’ ship, Jasper skipped behind him. She watched, mesmerized, by the swaying ends of his long lekku. Before he could protest, she quickly lifted them in her hands like the reins on a Guarlara and clicked her tongue, “Giddyup, Mister Twi-lick! Time ta fix yer shippy ship!”

Alaris sighed, glancing over his shoulder at the copper-headed firecracker of a girl, and couldn’t help but smile.

Darth Renatus, 21 July, 2017 12:06 AM UTC

Syntax

She looked up at the sky, now blanketed with dark thunderclouds overhead. Tha’s weird… I didn’ think storms smelled like marshies...

You should really use italics here to separate "thought" from narrative. It can be inferred based on the sudden speech pattern, but it isn't as clear as it should be.

Rex opened fire the Dark Jedi yet again.

Perhaps the missing word here is "fire on the Dark Jedi".


Story

This is a pretty good continuation of the story that's been set up thus far. I almost questioned how easily he overrode her +2 Resolve with Mind Trick, but it would be passable considering the psychosis she was under. What I'm not sure about is the sudden time skip. Don't know how long separates them, but seems awfully fast for the poison to have worked through her system.

Alaris turned and beelined for where he remembered seeing his lightsaber. At least he would have if the droid hadn’t seized him by the ankles. Instead, Alaris fell face first into the grass with a thump. He kicked his legs and scrambled with his arms, but he couldn’t break free of the droid’s deathgrip. He coiled up and demanded the dark side coil with him. With as much effort as he could, he kicked both legs at the same time.

Only then did he notice that Jasper was also pulling on Rex’s arms. It was too late to pull back. His right leg came free, but crunched Jasper right in the side of the head. The impact shot her back a few feet. She knew immediately that she’d have a wicked black eye to show off. She also knew that Alaris hadn’t intended it.

Rex did not know that.

Alaris was finally back to his feet and running as fast as his body could handle to where his lightsaber had been flung to. He retrieved it and turned around to face the droid, but was very quickly tackled by an angry mound of flamboyant durasteel. The air shot out of his lungs even before the impact with the ground. He was sure there was a broken rib or two.

“Omigosh, I’m sooo sooorry, Mister Twi-lick!” the bombshell called from the other side of the clearing.

Alaris and Rex ignored her. The Twi’lek did the best he could to move his head from side to side, attempting to avoid Rex’s punches. Finally, as he felt himself tiring, his eyes melted into a sickly amber and the dark side screamed anger from both of his hands directly into the Droid’s midsection. Electricity, regardless of its source, still follows the same science, which is something Alaris learned the hard way. It escaped to the ground the fastest way possible: directly through Alaris.

The fortunate part was that Alaris instinctively ceased channelling his hatred. Smoke rose from the two combatants as they lay in relative stillness. Rex’s motors were recovering from the surge as much as Alaris’s own functions were. Eventually, Alaris found the strength to push the metal warrior off him and pull himself free. He struggled to get to his feet. One arm wrapped around his midsection while his right arm hung low with lightsaber in hand.

“Woah!”

Alaris glanced up to see Jasper staring wide-eyed at him.

“Mister Twi-lick, you got the same flowers on ya that Rex’s got! Rex! Yer leg stripes are moving! How’re ya doin’ that?” She was beaming with glee, absolutely mesmerized by the moving and coloured display that now clouded her vision.

“Kark,” Alaris swore under her breath. “I’m gonna be here a lot longer now because of that poison.”

“Poison?” The voice came from behind him.

Alaris’s eyes went wide and the Force only barely gave him enough time to duck and roll out of the way of an incoming punch. The movement was instinctual, but it still hurt like the dickens.

Jasper sat comfortably on her rear watching the two moving light shows dart in amongst each other. Her smile was all encompassing, like she was a child sucked in by the latest puppet holo.

The Twi’lek knew that there was only one way to finally bring this to an end, but he still needed Jasper’s help. In fairly quick succession the droid threw two punches. In likewise succession, Alaris ignited his lightsaber and delivered two slashes. The dirt and grass muffled the sound of two durasteel arms hitting the ground. He spun around again to face him only to see a large armless metal beast running at him. He grimaced as he sidestepped the assault, letting his lightsaber trail behind him.

When he turned again he looked down at the droid. Rex's momentum had caused him to roll forward onto his back. Alaris walked over to him and stared down into the dismembered droid’s eyes.

“Let me make this very clear! I was not trying to hurt Jasper! I need her help!” He yelled down at him.

The droid responded matter-of-factly. “Well, why didn’t you say so?”

Alaris considered driving his lightsaber down into the droid’s “brain,” but his thought was interrupted by enthusiastic applause.

“Encore!”

Darth Renatus, 21 July, 2017 12:14 AM UTC

Syntax

He coiled up and demanded the dark side coil with him.

Repetitious use of "coil" without enhancing the narrative. It's disruptive here.

In fairly quick succession the droid threw two punches.

Should have a comma before "the droid".

[...] I need her help!” He yelled down at him.

This is the same as "he said, she said" only with "yelled". Should be the same sentence, so no capital on "He".


Story

The ending is just that, an ending. However, it is a very sudden one that just ends on encore. The match had been so interesting up till this point that it feels almost disappointing for this to be the end.