Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var vs. Mystic Zujenia

Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Female Zeltron, Force Disciple, Arcanist
vs.

Mystic Zujenia

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Ryn, Force Disciple, Shadow
Comment

Thank you both for participating and seeing this match through to the end.

This was a good match where it came down to Story more than anything else. This is the best way to judge for me. While both posts were very good, Aura's did most of the heavy lifting in the narrative. At the same time, Zujenia's posts had the more detailed combat with good back and forth flow. The strengths of the characters were played into by both writers, which is good to see.

There were only minor mistakes made, but they did add up to a difference. With the scores tallied, the win goes to Aurora "Aura" Ta'var.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, Mystic Zujenia
Winner Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Mystic Zujenia's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dathomir: Desolate Swamps
Last Post 18 July, 2017 10:55 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Aurora "Aura" Ta'var Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Some small issues. Rationale: Some small issues.
Story - 40%
Aurora "Aura" Ta'var Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: To summarize the comments in the posts, there was a definite rushed feeling to the pace of writing in these posts. The events flew past and it was hard to connect fully to the emotions of the characters. The story was complete, however, and touched on throughout. Rationale: As a summary, the quality of the combat and the writing was great, but the overall narrative was left to the very end. Other than combat, the state of the match was rather static in your first post. This was touched on at the end when you wrapped up the narrative, but it would have been nicer to see more of it.
Realism - 25%
Aurora "Aura" Ta'var Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing that was noted. Rationale: Nothing that was noted.
Continuity - 20%
Aurora "Aura" Ta'var Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Nothing that was noted. Rationale: Minor issue referring to Aura as "Blade" in the narrative from her perspective. Name doesn't appear on her snapshot or post.
Aurora "Aura" Ta'var's Score: 4.45 Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna's Score: 4.25
Posts

Dathomir Desolate Swamp

Once, it was the home to the witches of Dathomir, otherwise known as the Nightsisters. Tucked away in from the rest of the galaxy in an isolated cluster, the Nightsisters were able to draw energy from the planet itself, and pursued a type of ritualistic magic. They ruled over the population of Zabarak—Nightbrothers—and used them as a warrior caste to serve their purposes.

Then, the Clone Wars. The Nightsisters were pulled into the conflict due to the machinations of Mother Talzin and her rival Darth Sidious. This ultimately lead to the eradication of the Dathomarians and their settlements. The desolation was claimed by the Confederacy of Independent Systems after the last Nightsiser fell.

Now, the planet known as Dathomir is a haunted skeleton of its former greatness. A perpetual crimson glow coats the planet. The bleak world has become an amalgamation of ruined forest, decrepit swamplands, and withered mountains worn to the sands of time.

In the desolate swamps, faint echoes haunt the graves of the long-dead witches, infusing the green fog that spreads above the damp ground. Dreadful whispers rumoured to be lingering incantations defend the world from intruders. Tall tales and rumors of zombies and ritual sacrifice alluding to grisly flashes of imagery.

The trees, large and misshapen, promise misery to those who touch their tortured bark and open themselves to the memories of the place. Eerie as the voices over the wind, the water beneath the fog appears red and bubbling, as if the land itself were pockmarked in cauldrons of blood to keep the incantations alive.

Creatures unaffected by the purge of the Nightsisters still remain. Snakes, reptiles and insects of varying lethality wander the wasteland. Reports have even said that rancor still roam freely.

This is Dathomir.

Aura Ta’var, a Lotus agent, ran across the barren landscape of Dathomir, its perpetual crimson glow giving the decrepit swamplands and large misshapen trees a sinister edge. The Odanite looked over her shoulder for a second, eyes wide in fear. She could feel dark presences somewhere behind her but as of yet, they remained hidden. The Inquisitorius was coming and had been for days on end. Day after day they chased her like tuk’ata on the hunt, relentlessly pursuing her no matter where she went. Aura had hoped they wouldn’t follow her to this cursed world, but she had been wrong.

She quickened her footsteps, ignoring the unpleasant sound of the damp ground squishing and splashing underfoot. Aura frantically looked for a place to hide, spotting a thicker patch of the eerie, green fog that clouded the horizon. She changed direction and sprinted into it, hoping it would mask her retreat for a while. She couldn’t see very far herself, the fog obscuring anything more than two meters away from her. The unknown frightened her, but there wasn’t much time so she rushed forward anyways. She didn’t know where she was going, how she would get back to her ship, or if she would even escape this time. In addition, the Odanite could swear she heard whispers around her, never sure where they were coming from but certain they existed.

Karking Dark Side. Why can’t it leave me alone?

Suddenly, a woman burst out of the fog, sprinting straight towards her. Both Aura and Zujenia attempted to pivot at the last moment, but they both went in the same direction. Left with no more room to spare, they slammed into each other. A mane of wild, white hair obscured the Zeltron’s vision for a second before the two women fell to the ground.

Aura cried out in pain, palms rubbing her face where the two women had collided. The urge to strike back was palpable, but the swamp’s red bubbling water washing over her brought her back to her senses. The Zeltron panicked and flailed for a moment, the blood-like appearance bringing back memories of dead innocents. As the Arconan stood back up, she grabbed her bo-rifle and switched it over to its electrostaff configuration, its tips humming with electromagnetic energy.

Sithspit! They found me, Aura thought.

The Odanite popped back up onto her feet and ignited her saber, relying on old habits to keep her alive. The snap-hiss of her weapon startled Zujenia, her hand unconsciously resting on her abdomen as her tail curled around her left leg. Aura didn’t know of any Ryn in Odan-Urr and had yet to meet one through the Lotus. She frantically looked back and forth between Zujenia and the oppressing fog around her. The Arconan was doing the same thing, except her eyes darted back to the Zeltron’s saber rather than the Odanite herself. Aura gripped her weapon even tighter.

More could pop out at any moment. Hurry!

Adrenaline coursing through her body, the Zeltron felt an old familiar urge to simply remove the threat permanently. There was only one of them so far and she was getting sick of being hounded. She had made a promise to a very special person that she would come home alive. It was a promise she intended to keep no matter what. She froze for a moment and started to mentally recite the Jedi Code, fearing she might make a mortal mistake. Zujenia made the decision for both of them.

“I won’t let you hurt anyone else!” Zujenia yelled angrily as she lashed out at Aura’s lightsaber. People’s lives were at stake. She had no time for interruptions. The mission had already gone badly enough.

Aura hastily stepped backward, reaching out to the Force to guide her actions. She deflected the initial slash and then unleashed a series of swift, explosive strikes, determined to find a weakness in the Ryn’s defense. The Arconan expertly blocked each attack, her dark amber eyes fixated on the Zeltron’s light-blue saber. Aura growled in frustration and swung at Zujenia, who stared back at her with a fierce determination. She couldn’t help but smile.

Finally, a good face-to-face challenge.

Darth Renatus, 3 August, 2017 2:09 AM UTC

Syntax

Adrenaline coursing through her body, the Zeltron felt an old familiar urge to simply remove the threat permanently.

This flows awkwardly in its current state. Even adding "With adrenaline" to the beginning would make it more palpable.


Story

It's hard to put my finger on exactly what the cause is, but the story feels rushed for this post. Like, the pace is very quick. Like my little mental reader just sprinted from start to finish. It's actually a little tiring! Perhaps you were just trying to make sure you got in the motivation for at least Aura and then get in some actual combat. Even then, rather than describing actions you tell them to us without showing. A slash, then swift explosive strikes. Even the reasoning for Zujenia is a bit rushed, and I had to read a couple times to get a sense that it was Zujenia that had no time for interruptions and not Aura.

Blue blurred against the red and green environment as Blade sprang forward with bent knees and sunk deep into the Force — controlling it. Her opponent's bo-rifle staff attempted to hold off the ferocious onslaught, crackling purple colliding with one blow before the half-Ryn would snap her arms forward to bring about the other end to block. Twisting around with her saber posed high at her head, Blade extended her mind upon the strings of the Force tying her to the enemy’s psyche. She could feel the woman’s mind already guiding the stave to intercept the path she perceived the saber taking. So the Zeltron dipped her right shoulder, arcing the blade below the extended weapon and towards the assailant’s midriff. It would have burned through flesh if the Inquisitorius hadn't wrenched themselves from their path of momentum, and dived backwards in a semi-gracefully roll. —

— White-hair stained further red, Zujenia righted herself, pushing her heels into the sodden crimson peat and standing to face the Zeltron again. She inhaled deeply through her nose and exhaled via her mouth, trying to re-establish a controlled, rhythmic pattern. Adrenaline pounded in the blood behind her ears, and her tan fingers wrapped tighter about the bo-staff.

I was watching her, I shouldn't have missed that. Karking— Zujenia cursed inwardly, her ashen brows furrowing. Weariness washed over her and settled even heavier in her gut than what she had felt before.

She nearly jumped and lashed out at the Zeltron when the pink woman settled into a semi-passive stance, saber lowering. Her crystal blue eyes pierced through the Arconan with a small grin stretching across her lips as if...she had some insight to the emotional questioning inside the half-Ryn. It was as if it pleased her that this was the response her target had towards her combative ability. Because of that look, Zujenia grasped a hold of her resolve again, reaffirming her intent on removing the threat. She had comrades to relocate on this disturbed planet, and they needed her now.

“You have me right here, sithspit! You wanted to take me out? Here’s your chance,” the Zeltron called, her body half turned away and lightsaber raised once more.

A growl rolled in the back of Zujenia’s throat. The mocking air to the woman’s tone struck a strong cord as the Inquisitorius had already injured a fellow Arconan on this mission. Lacing the Force through her tendons, she launched forward once more. Closing the small gap her dodge had created, the half-Ryn expanded her awareness through the Force, hoping to catch the Inquisitorius’ intended movements earlier. With her golden eyes trained on the light blue saber, she watched as it seemed to extend slower than before and counted each step she took closer to its path.

3...2...1—

Dipping her left shoulder at the last second and altering the direction of her momentum, Zujenia evaded the strike. Pushing off the ground and driving her torso around, she rotated the bo-rifle about her, aiming for the Zeltron’s back. The blue-haired woman snaked around just in time to counter the blow before releasing another series of quick, precise strikes that once again set the half-Ryn into the defensive.

Darth Renatus, 3 August, 2017 2:19 AM UTC

Syntax

semi-gracefully roll. —

An em-dash isn't used after a period. It's punctuation of its own.


Story

semi-gracefully roll. —

— White-hair stained further red

As far as perspective changes go, this one was awkward. You don't really even need it here, at least not with the dashes. Perhaps a line separator.

This was very good combat. You didn't play with the mistaken identity as much as you could have, but you did progress the match. The action was clear and easy to follow, with an attempt to play to the strengths of each character and portray them properly.


Continuity

You refer to your opponent as "Blade" at several points in your writing. This isn't supported by the sheets or Aura's posts. If they had met back when she was called "Blade", it would make sense to put it in dialogue. But as a narrative reference, it is a misstep.

Aura pressed her advantage, constantly swinging as she pushed the Ryn backward. Zujenia spun her bo-rifle around, catching each strike and then pushing back with one of her own. The Zeltron deflected it to the side and immediately jabbed her saber toward the Arconan’s stomach, hoping she could find an opening before the other end of the weapon came back around. All she could do was trust the Force.

The Ryn’s eyes went wide as she sidestepped the deadly stab, the uncomfortable warmth of a saber too close to her skin as it burned her clothes bringing back nightmares. She screamed in fright, defensively whipping her bo-rifle towards the Odanite’s head. Aura ducked under the strike and retreated just outside its range, the hum of the Arconan’s weapon and the smell of burnt hair a reminder of just how much was at stake.

This is taking too long. Maybe I can freeze her for a moment.

Aura reached out to the Force surrounding Zujenia and attempted to overwhelm her muscles, nerves, and tendons. It didn’t work. The Odanite looked suspiciously at the Arconan, who glowered at her as the Ryn unconsciously held her side. Aura tried again, but something was still missing, almost like a good friend had abandoned her and yet was still there.

Zujenia concentrated on the Zeltron as she continually probed the Force around her opponent, dampening each strand that connected to the Odanite. She rested a hand on the blackened cloth under her fingers, using it to help drive her focus. She didn’t have time to play around. Lives were at stake. Still focused on strangling Aura’s connection to the Force, the Ryn launched herself forward and swung at the Zeltron’s saber arm.

Kark!

The Odanite clumsily deflected the strike, abandoning her attempts with the Force. Something was wrong but she didn’t have time to figure it out. Her eyes went wide in fear as she stepped forward and twisted to the side, barely dodging a vicious jab. The Ryn snapped her weapon sideways, skillfully transitioning into a wide sweep. Out of position, the Odanite tried to intercept it with a defensive swipe, but the Arconan’s strike found its mark, smacking into the side of Aura’s chest and sending a harsh stunning jolt through her body.

She cried out in pain and staggered for a moment, her saber slipping in her hand a little before she regained her grip. The bo-rifle came around again, this time stabbing into her right forearm. The Zeltron lost her grip, her lightsaber turning off as it tumbled from her hand. The Odanite stumbled backward, only to find an electromagnetic tip inches from her chest.

“Those were just playing around. Next one will hurt a lot more. Tell me where to find my friends. Now!”

“I refuse to help an Inquisitor,” snarled Aura. She faintly heard their shouts in the distance. “Your pals are coming. See, you found them.”

“What? I’m not an Inquisitor! I’m an Arconan. Stop wasting my time! Who are you?” The Ryn stared at the Odanite, heart racing as she heard the approaching voices. A few moments was all this schutta would get.

“Ah,” winced the Zeltron as she favored her injured side. ”I serve the Jedi.”

A few heartbeats passed as the two combatants looked at each other awkwardly, guilt and regret washing over them as they both looked at an ally. The yells were getting closer.

“I’m sorry. I thought you were one of them,” explained the Ryn quickly as she re-holstered her weapon and wrapped an arm around Aura, letting the Odanite lean on her. “I have a ship nearby. Maybe we can reach it.”

Aura glanced guiltily at the Arconan’s burnt clothing. “Sorry. I didn’t know. If we get out of here alive, I’ll make it up to you,” offered the Zeltron as she recalled her saber hilt back to her hand.

“Deal. Maybe you can help me find my friends. Can you run?” Zujenia asked, eyes darting between the Odanite and the eerie fog. The enemy voices sounded as if they were right next to them.

“Yeah,” replied Aura as she used the Force to ignore the lingering pain, relieved that it responded to her once more. She ran as fast as she could, her new ally by her side, and hoped they would finally escape.

Darth Renatus, 3 August, 2017 2:25 AM UTC

Syntax

Something was wrong but she didn’t have time to figure it out.

Need a comma after "wrong".


Story

There's still some superficial qualities to the motivations for Zujenia and her mission, but you brought this match to a satisfying conclusion. You had some better action and portrayed it well, though I didn't quite connect with any emotions during their embarrassing revelation at that they were actually allies. A bit more could have been done to create that sensation. The feel of panic and wanting to leave? The rushing? That was there, from the characters and your writing.

Watch the blade, precise steps, smooth dodges, Zujenia repeated this in her mind, golden gaze latched tightly on the light blue plasma. Her sandy tail tightened around her left thigh with every close pass. Yet, she kept up with the taller woman, the eerie green landscape swirling in small ripples with their movement.

The Zeltron’s blade arced towards the right before fluidly switching directions. It caused Zujenia to grit her teeth and accelerate her previously moving bo-rifle with what might her off-arm could muster to meet it. She was wide open, exposed. The sabers presence felt for a mere moment before it disappeared, already speeding to the next slash.

Bolts of warning ran through her nerves, and Zujenia frantically grasped for the Force to her aid. She spun through with the momentum of her earlier block, twisting to bring her weapon around, when her boot found itself suctioned into the moss. The crackling rod collided with the buzzing saber at the same time as a worrying pop was heard.

Pain coursed through the Arconan’s ankle, clouding bits of her concentration. Resisting the urge to favor her injured side and bite her lip, she lashed out with several blows. Nearly all were swiftly parried, the last coming in with a quick switch of the bo-riffle’s ends, snapping the weapon towards the Inquistorius’ thighs. The enemy leaped back to avoid and Zujenia found herself exhaling.

She winced as she adjusted her stance. There was no time to evaluate it but with the gradually duller pain, the half-Ryn believed it was sprained. Still, she couldn’t hold her own much longer in this duel. The Zeltron seemed to be accepting this pause herself, appearing to be gathering her own breathing. If Zujenia was paying attention to the flowing plane of the Force, she would've learned that the woman was replenishing her energy.

Not wishing to let the Inquisitorius gather too much control of her breath, despite needing so herself, Zujenia dipped into the Force. She reached out mentally towards the pink woman, intending to immobilize her being. But seconds before her own hand fully extended to focus her attack, the Zeltron’s unfurled to release her own.

And nothing happen, or more correctly, Zujenia found herself unable to move, frozen with her arm outstretched and her weapon at her side. The other woman crossed the space between them with quick passes. She brought the blue lightsaber to her neck after her left hand deactivated the bo-rifle. Zujenia’s heartbeat roared in her ears as fear welled inside. She nearly missed the woman’s lips moved slightly and the Arconan thought she could make out ‘peace’, ‘serenity’, and ‘no chaos.’ It settled a quiet question in her mind, interrupted by only one spoken out loud.

“Now, tell me, Inquistorius, why you are chasing us down when you have been all but quiet?” the Zeltron demanded more than asked.

Her muscles slowly twitching out of their stun state, Zujenia worked her mouth around before answering slowly. “I think there's been a misunderstanding. I am a member of the Lotus as well, an Arconan — ”

“ — one of them Dark Jedi’s?” the Zeltron’s crystal blue eyes narrowed.

“No, Gray. I've been a supporter to the cause since I joined the the clan.” Zujenia swallowed. The sounds of heavy footfalls onto water puddles approaching tugged at their attention with urgency. It was much to her relief that the Odanite removed the saber and stepped back.

“The name is Aurora.”

“Zujenia.”

“Shall we confront our company or give them the slip?” Aurora offered with a small apologetic smile.

“The latter,” the half-Ryn answered as she turned to move out as best as she could with her ankle, “but I suppose we may have to both.”

Darth Renatus, 3 August, 2017 2:34 AM UTC

Syntax

The sabers presence felt for [...]

Should be possessive form here and "was" before "felt".

the bo-riffle’s ends

Should be "rifle".

Inquistorius

Inquisitorius is the organization, but a member of it is an Inquisitor.


Story

Your attention to detail is maintained, though you wait till the tail-end to touch on the overall plot of the encounter. That could have been interspersed a bit better throughout, but you brought it to a satisfying conclusion that made sense. I enjoyed the read and didn't feel rushed along or lost at any point. Would have liked to have a bit more story than just the back and forth combat, though.