Battlemaster Abadeer Taasii vs. Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Battlemaster Abadeer Taasii

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Togruta, Sith, Marauder
vs.

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the first phase of the ACC portion of the GJW!

I enjoyed reading this battle from start to finish. I could see the action pretty clearly in my mind and there were a couple of times - especially in Abadeer's final post - that it almost seemed like something from a cool action movie. It was those pieces that also, ironically, hurt Abadeer as they pushed my suspension of disbelief a bit too far. I've gotta give credit for writing some interesting action, but it has to be grounded in reality (or at least the reality of our version of SW). Without those issues, this battle would likely have ended up in a tie and I'm not sure how I'd have figured out the victor.

The winner of this battle is Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Abadeer Taasii, Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Abadeer Taasii's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Felucia: Rancor Graveyard
Last Post 15 July, 2017 9:10 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Abadeer Taasii
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A couple of minor issues with awkward sentences. Rationale: Syntax issues were noted, but nothing that really hurt my ability to read the story.
Story - 40%
Deleted Abadeer Taasii
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: The action was varied and well-written. Overall, a fairly enjoyable read. Rationale: There were a couple of really cool action set pieces within your story that helped bring this up from the "normal" ACC match.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Abadeer Taasii
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues noted. Rationale: A couple of issues as noted in your final post.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Abadeer Taasii
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues noted. Rationale: No issues noted.
Deleted's Score: 4.45 Abadeer Taasii's Score: 4.2
Posts

Felucia Rancor Graveyard

Hidden in Felucia’s jungle lies a two hundred meter expanse marking the ancient burial site of this world’s deadliest creatures and the location of innumerable remnants of hundreds, if not thousands of rancors. A circular enclosure of sun-bleached bones are arranged in the center of the cemetery—no doubt the former dwelling of a powerful practitioner of the Force. Cobwebs cling to the fallen beasts, a testament to the primordial age of some of the creatures.

Somewhat obscured by surrounding cliffs and the luminescent jungle, the dusted bones and carcasses are cast in a faint shadow, leaving just enough light to see by. The atmosphere is thick and stifling, with a strong overtone of dust and bone suspended in the still air. The taint of the Dark Side's influence has polluted the landmark over time, giving form to a dreadful aura that has scared off scavengers determined to sell off a rancor tusk or two. Unlike most of Felucia, the area is nearly devoid of life aside from ravenous predators dwelling within the hollowed-out husks of dead rancors.

Abadeer sprinted through the dense jungle, branches swiping him in the face as he barged through the foliage. Sounds of another body crashing through the forest were clearly coming from behind him. The mission had fallen to pieces before it even began. Abadeer had been on Felucia pursuing leads on Pravus, using some Inquisitor connections he’d made. Unfortunately it seemed that somebody had similar ideas. Except instead of using connections within the organization, it seemed this person was hunting down Inquisitor agents for information.

Abadeer had been caught totally unawares by his diminutive assailant. The man was marked distinctly as an Equite of the brotherhood by his robes. He must have known somehow about the Inquisitor drop site that Abadeer had been trying to reach. He’d been waiting for someone to appear, apparently attacking anyone who came too close.

Taasii continued barreling through the woods, eventually coming to a short clearing in the trees before stumbling over an unseen cliff. The drop was short, but startling. Abadeer tucked and rolled as soon as he hit the ground, coming to a stop right in front of a massive decaying skull. The bone was bleached, some of it had eroded away, but it was clearly that of a terrifying rancor. Abadeer took just a moment to look around, taking in his surroundings. This place he’d fallen into was covered in bones, most of them bleached and ancient, though there were a few newer specimens littered about.

There wasn’t much time available to the Plagueian as another figure burst through the trees not moments behind his own fall. The man was short, wearing dark Brotherhood robes, signs of age starting to show on his somewhat rounded face. He was panting heavily as he came to the top of the cliff, having stopped himself so as not to take the same fall as Abadeer. Shrewd eyes cast over the boneyard looking for his prey. Abadeer glanced up, the two men’s eyes meeting for only a brief moment. Taasii felt a sense of danger, not pausing to analyze or consider the feeling, he reacted instantly diving behind the skull. A loud crack split the air as a bolt of blue lightning arced across the field, blackening bone where it struck.

“Come out Inquisitor! I promise your demise to be much more swift if you surrender now,” Andrelious called out from atop his cliff, “Make me pursue any longer, and I promise to make you suffer.” The Sith dropped down from his perch, not able to get a good vantage point on the Togruta.

“You’ll have to come kill me yourself!” Abadeer spun out from behind his hiding place, fingers crackling as he let loose his own bolt of lightning. The attack had been taken without aim, and went wide to the left. Abadeer drew his lightsabers, moving in to close the distance between him and his opponent. The lightning blasts were dangerous and difficult to guard against. The Plagueian felt much more comfortable in saber combat. One crimson and one alabaster blade ignited in unison before striking in a blurring flash. The dual cuts were deflected prematurely, met with pair of ruby blades.

“Fine, you’ve made your choice. Prepare to reap what you sow, Inquisitor dog!” the Taldryan roared in response. Abadeer was quickly pushed back on his heels, the attacks coming at him were precise and masterful. His defense was equally skilled, covering all angles of attack. Abadeer stayed crouched down low, with his blades held high, spinning slightly. He would have to switch to the offensive eventually, but for now he was satisfied analyzing his opponent to discover any weaknesses in his form.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 25 July, 2017 2:11 AM UTC

Taasii felt a sense of danger, not pausing to analyze or consider the feeling, he reacted instantly diving behind the skull.

Syntax issues. Adding an "and" in here might have helped a bit, I think.

Abadeer was quickly pushed back on his heels, the attacks coming at him were precise and masterful.

Similar issue as above.

Andrelious was almost relieved that he had actually intercepted an Inquisitor. Most of his other missions lately had resulted in the Seeker finding himself at cross purposes with a member of the Lotus. To deal with someone who was actually supposed to be an enemy made a refreshing change. He also had no idea who the Togruta was; it had been a surprisingly long time since he had crossed sabers with a complete stranger.

Abadeer continued to remain in a defensive position, patiently waiting and learning about his fellow Sith. Andrelious, already aware that the Togruta was far more agile, had quickly reverted to using a single lightsaber. His attacks were aggressive, but still very purposeful; Andrelious wanted the Plagueian dead, and fast.

And that’s about enough of that! Taasii thought. He swiftly moved from defence into attack, catching the Human off-guard with the sheer speed of his bladesmanship.

Andrelious began to back away from the flailing Plagueian, but the younger Sith was not about to give him any chance of escape. Abadeer stuck close to Mimosa-Inahj, constantly testing him with a seemingly never ending series of cyclonic attacks.

“Why do you fight the Inquisition? You’re clearly no Jedi!” the Togruta shouted in between attacks.

“My reasons are my own!” Andrelious retorted, attempting to use his lack of height to slide his blade beneath his enemy’s reach. The Togruta was forced to crouch to properly block the attack, but he was easily nimble enough to recover without giving Mimosa-Inahj any kind of opening.

Andrelious cursed under his breath. He was beginning to become very frustrated at just how stubborn his opponent was proving. Abadeer, meanwhile, remained fully focused on the task at hand, fighting with such zeal that the Taldryanite wondered exactly who he was trying to impress. His lightsabers continued to wheel around at such a high speed that Andrelious was half expecting him to take off.

Attempting with another low down attack, Andrelious spotted that the Plagueian was starting to slow a little. Looking up, he noticed signs of fatigue beginning to affect the Togruta. Beads of sweat had started to form on the alien’s forehead, whilst his breathing was becoming deeper and slightly laboured.

Just keep him at bay a bit longer. He’s not got much more in the tank!

Abadeer, as if he too had realised that he was beginning to tire, reached out into the Force. It answered him moments later, hardening his muscles and allowing him to hit Andrelious with an attack that was so powerful that it forced the older Sith to stumble backward. Pushing forwards, the Togruta resumed his attempts to overwhelm Andrelious’ defences, but the Taldryanite, grimacing, managed to hold off his rival with some firm defensive movements.

The two Sith had encountered each other towards the end of the day. As time wore on, shadows lengthened as the sun began to set. Neither combatant seemed to notice that the area was becoming darker; they were both fully immersed in fighting each other.

Glaring through flying sparks as their sabers collided again, both Plagueian and Taldryanite searched within themselves for anything else that the Force could give them.

Only one of them would survive the night.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 25 July, 2017 2:38 AM UTC

As time wore on, shadows lengthened as the sun began to set.

Repeating as here makes this sentence awkward. This also seems to be a really long time to battle all-out like both characters have been, wouldn't you think?

The flow of the duel continued back and forth. Abadeer would attack, but Andrelious’ defenses were an equal match for any offense that Abadeer could muster. Then Andrelious would counter only to be met with an impenetrable wall of swirling blades. The Sith had fought to a virtual stalemate. Abadeer deflected several incoming blows, a war of attrition would not be in his favor. In a flurry of motion Taasii deactivated his left saber while tossing it up in the air. He watched his opponent track the unexpected movement with his eyes. Abadeer pooled all his focus of the Force, and concentrated all the energy into his fist. Abadeer dropped, crouching low to the ground, launching his fist towards the ground, releasing all the energy he’d stored. The impact kicked up dust, bones and the Taldryan. Abadeer looked up to see his airborne saber flying off a ways to the left.

Taasii dove off to the side, the dust thick enough to mask his disappearance. He crouched behind one of the rancor skulls, taking a second to catch his breath.

“You run again Inquisitor scum? Maybe not as well as you’d hoped.” Andrelious shouted out. Abadeer stayed hidden, trying to use his senses to keep track of Andrelious’ movements. All he could hear though was a deep rumbling that seemed to come from all around him. Suddenly the skull Abadeer hid behind began to rise up off the ground. The Plagueian stood, lightsaber in hand, reigniting in preparation for the attack that was to come. All around there were small bones rising up off the ground.

In the center of the field, arms raised over his head stood Andrelious. His eyes caught Abadeer’s, a look of malice on his face.

“Come coward, let us finish what started.” Andrelious let his right hand fall to his waist, taking hold of one of his sabers. The left hand was still aloft, along with the littered bones floating aimlessly in the air. Abadeer sensed the danger before it began, the bones started to fly toward the Togruta. Abadeer’s crimson blade flashed left and right to fend off the projectiles. The smaller pieces were of no consequence, but he had to flip backwards to avoid the massive skull. Andrelious had planned his attack appropriately, rushing in right behind the assault of bones.

“I am no coward, I just thought you may have wanted another moment to live.” Abadeer boasted. He was slightly less confident than his statement though. The Sith clashed yet again, crimson sparks crashing over the boneyard. Both warriors were giving it their all, iron wills clashing, neither willing to bend. Heavy crashing blows came from both sides, missing their targets by the smallest margins, only to be deflected at the last moment.

It was Abadeer who slipped first, one of his deflections leaving him too open for a follow up attack. Andrelious saw and took the opening in an instant, his left foot flying into the Togruta’s jaw. The kick was heavy, unnatural strength behind the blow. Taasii fell to his knees, his mind reeling from the impact. The Taldryan Sith stood triumphant, straddling his opponent for the finishing blow.

“Begone from this reality, Inquisitor.” Andrelious rolled his opponent over to face him for the finishing blow. He wanted to see the pain in Abadeer’s eyes as he finished the Togruta off. His arm raised in preparation for the attack. Taasii grabbed the man’s ankle, his resistance too little too late. “Die with some dignity, accept your fate.”

Abadeer smirked, Andrelious’ eyes widened in horror as he stared down at his leg. The Plagueian poured all of his hatred and malice for the man who stood above him back into his own body. Lightning raced across the Taldryan’s body, causing all of his muscles to contract with deadly force. Abadeer released his grip as to not receive any electric feedback. Andrelious crumpled to the ground, convulsing uncontrollably. After a couple minutes Abadeer pushed himself up off the ground. His opponent was dead, nothing left but a smoking corpse. Taasii sighed deeply, letting the aches and pain settle into his muscles.

“Now where did my saber fly?”

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 25 July, 2017 3:03 AM UTC

Abadeer deflected several incoming blows, a war of attrition would not be in his favor.

A semi-colon would make this a grammatically correct sentence.

In a flurry of motion Taasii deactivated his left saber while tossing it up in the air. He watched his opponent track the unexpected movement with his eyes.

In the second sentence, the pronouns could have been a bit more clear. More than that, though, I just wanted to point out that I really like this detail and what it sets up - I could really picture this clearly in my mind while reading.

Abadeer dropped, crouching low to the ground, launching his fist towards the ground, releasing all the energy he’d stored.

This is some cool, movie-esque action... the issue for me is this doesn't read well as one sentence. It needs to be broken up. Also, the repetition of "the ground" isn't necessary.

In the center of the field, arms raised over his head stood Andrelious.

Much like with the ground punch, this is a really cool piece of action. My problem is I just can't see Andrelious pulling this off at the end of a lengthy and exhausting battle with only TK +3. That's stretching disbelief a bit too much for me.

“Come coward, let us finish what started.”

I'm assuming there's a missing "we" after "what"?

Abadeer smirked, Andrelious’ eyes widened in horror as he stared down at his leg.

The "Abadeer smirked, Andrelious' eyes..." thing just reads weird connected like that. I think an "and" would clear it up easily.

Abadeer released his grip as to not receive any electric feedback.

This is another example of a really cool piece of action. There's a problem, though. Atra and I discussed this, and everything we've seen shows that Force Lightning still functions as an electrical current - it seeks the shortest path to the ground. Since Abadeer is holding on to Andrelious, even briefly, I'm of the belief that the current would circle back into Abadeer.

The two Sith pulled away from each other. They’d both begun to realise that they were making no progress. The hateful stares at one another, however, went nowhere.

“You will die, Inquisitor. Even if not today, at my hand; then, Pravus will find you, or whatever Clan you serve, to be undesirable. His way is to kill everyone,” Andrelious declared.

“I suppose that’s what happened to you. I’m guessing you’re with Scholae? Or Taldryan?” Abadeer responded.

“For what it matters, Taldryan,” the Seeker said simply. Hearing a sudden warning from the Force, he raised his blade in a defensive motion just in time to fend off another attack from his opponent. Abadeer cursed under his breath and continued to assault his fellow Sith, each of his lightsabers forcing Andrelious to defend so desperately that any chance at a counter attack was near impossible.

As he attacked, the Togruta commanded the Force to attack his opponent’s mind. At first, nothing seemed to happen. Just as Andrelious re-closed the gap between himself and Abadeer, forcing the Plagueian to back away a little, the older Sith’s eyes widened in apparent fear. His lightsaber, swinging through the air, stopped less than a inch away from the Marauder’s arm.

Tired from the prolonged duel, Abadeer found the continued action of projecting fear directly into his opponent’s mental state to be fairly taxing. Andrelious, for his part, had begun to shake and looked every inch as terrified as if he’d just spotted an incoming superlaser.

It doesn’t seem right. I don’t even know who he is, the Proconsul thought.

Abadeer didn’t have any further time to think on the matter. With a roar, Andrelious started to break free of his own fear. Before he had time to properly prepare himself for a further duel, the Togruta realised he would definitely be on the defensive. Holding Andrelious in a prison of his own dread had drained most of what was left of his energy reserves. He was now both mentally and physically tired.

Sensing that he now held a solid advantage, Andrelious, removing his off-hand from his weapon, turned his palm to face his enemy. He started to will the Force to shove Abadeer away, praying that he’d muster the power needed before the Togruta could offer an effective defence.

Abadeer spotted what his opponent was doing. He cast one of his lightsabers aside, mirroring Andrelious’ actions. The two Sith started pushing at each other through the Force, snarling.

I can’t hold it! Abadeer realised.

Letting go of his grip on the Force as his fingers started to ache, the Marauder was quickly thrown backwards. Andrelious smiled, walking over to the fallen Togruta. “You had potential. You had even picked the right side. Of the Force, at least. It’s just a shame that you stopped being right,” he taunted.

“I regret nothing. You can’t resist the whole Inquisition!” Abadeer shot back.

“I never said I intended to,” Andrelious said coldly. He stared down at the Proconsul with such hatred in his eyes that Abadeer shivered. Sparks of electricity started to flare on the tips of the Taldryanite’s fingers. Closing his eyes, the Togruta desperately summoned the last ounce of strength he found within himself.

As the Force lightning hit, Abadeer, having managed to call one of his lightsabers to his hand, plunged the weapon into Andrelious’ right leg. The Seeker’s roar of pain was the last sound that the Plagueian heard as electrocution became too much to deal with.

Abadeer Taasii was dead. But his last act had wounded Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj severely enough that the Taldryanite had a long, painful journey back to the safety of his ship.

It had not been a good day.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 25 July, 2017 3:11 AM UTC

Even if not today, at my hand; then, Pravus will find you, or whatever Clan you serve, to be undesirable.

The semi-colon is out of place here. The sentence as structured is just a bit awkward.