Yeoman TuQ'uan Varick vs. Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var

Yeoman TuQ'uan Varick

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Kel Dor, Mercenary, Infiltrator
vs.

Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Female Zeltron, Force Disciple, Arcanist
Comment

This match comes down, simply, to the system mechanics. TuQ'uan's errors held back what was otherwise some great creative writing for me. I left most of my feedback in the comments, so I won't go into much more detail here. Blade demonstrated her command of the character sheet system and mechanics, while telling an equally compelling part of the story to TuQ.

TuQ'uan: There is a lot of cleverness in your writing. I hope you can keep that up as you get more familiar with our system. I know this is new territory for you, so I hope that the feedback within this match is helpful to your growth. I look forward to reading more matches from you in the future, and seeing how the character evolves. Make sure to work with proof readers, and don't be afraid to ask us questions!

Great work, both of you. Thanks.

-W

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Yeoman TuQ'uan Varick, Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var
Winner Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Yeoman TuQ'uan Varick's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Refugee Sector
Last Post 15 July, 2017 1:17 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Aurora "Aura" Ta'var TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Smaller error. Rationale: Repeated errors that would be caught by a proof reader. A good trick I like to use is to read sentences out loud to myself. Your ears will tend to catch things your eyes gloss over.
Story - 40%
Aurora "Aura" Ta'var TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Good follow up from the introduction. Pretty straight forward story, nothing that really stood out to me, but it was solid and flowed well while working in the characters and the venue to tell the story. I like the ending a lot, as it felt climatic and gave me something to take away from finishing reading the match. Rationale: I love the set up and the use of the venue to create a story and scenario between the two characters. I don't have any real critique other than the ending could have given me something more exciting that I wasn't expecting.
Realism - 25%
Aurora "Aura" Ta'var TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 5 Score: 2
Rationale: No issues I found. Rationale: Errors noted, please see the comments on the match. Major ding was TuQ getting up and charging after getting hit in both legs with a blaster bolt.
Continuity - 20%
Aurora "Aura" Ta'var TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing I saw. Rationale: Nothing I saw.
Aurora "Aura" Ta'var's Score: 4.45 TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia's Score: 3.55
Posts

Nar Shaddaa Refugee Sector

A cesspool of the downtrodden, the Refugee Sector on Nar Shaddaa is home to both the unfortunate and criminals alike. Offering their protection for credits, the criminal organizations that control the sector tax the populace outrageous sums. Unable to provide these fees, refugees are forced to work under hazardous conditions producing glitterstim and adrenals for their overseers. Some of these refugees are addicted to the substances themselves—for which the cartels increase the price of their tithes in exchange for a share of the product.

Crammed with stalls and makeshift hovels, several of the sector’s inhabitants find refuge on the streets and in the alleyways. Those who managed to avoid the dangers of drug production can be found selling their limited and often defective goods to others. Behind these stalls a selective stock of black market wares is hidden, reserved for mercenaries and thugs.

Nar Shaddaa Refugee Sector

Littered with garbage, it is obvious that no maintenance droids have been programmed to maintain the sector. The surrounding towers have fallen into decay, bits of debris falling every so often into the middle of the street. The duracrete streets are covered in a film of filth and chemicals from the abandoned warehouses, making movement cumbersome when traveling through the most inhabited areas.

Patrols armed with blasters and vibroswords come through these areas regularly, making a show of force to advertise the merits of their ‘protection’ while extorting the occasional shopkeeper. Screams and shouts are a common enough sound, which is never in the refugees’ best interests to interfere in.

The dark, downtrodden streets of Nar Shadaa’s refugee sector were packed with foot traffic at night, perfect for a shady, black market meeting. Broken down vendor stalls lined the one side of the street and decrepit buildings the other. Inconspicuously moving along the crowded streets was TuQ’uan Varick, wide brimmed hat pulled low to hide his crimson face. TuQ’uan had arrived early for his meeting; he had played into traps in the past and wanted to be at least somewhat prepared, just in case. The smell of fried rotting food filled the air at the busy corner that had been chosen as the meeting place, there were plenty of interesting parties here but none seemed to pay any mind to the Kel Dor, or his destination.

Making his third pass of the trash filled street corner that was to be the meeting place, he was finally satisfied. Everything had been set up by one of the mercenary’s information brokers, and if all went well, then this would be worth the hefty price of admission. With time still left, TuQ’uan decided to get some practice in; being cooped up in the Circle didn't offer much opportunity to splice. Spotting a Shardaa-PowerCo terminal not far from the meeting place, he decided to have a little fun. The Terminal was the only thing in the area that looked like it had received any upkeep over the last couple of decades. Within moments, he had full access to the local power grid. A few more, and he had gained remote access via his datapad. Still got it, he mused.

A pink faced young Zeltron emerged from the bustling throng of refugees passing by, wearing a long, dark brown robe, hiding her athletic figure, a cavalcade of colours peaking out from beneath. She didn't look much like a mercenary to TuQ’uan, but he had met stranger people in stranger places.

“Excuse me, sir?” Aurora called over innocently, “Do you know where I can get the best fried rancor around?”

“You’ll have to take a left at Dantooine,” the Kel Dor replied with the code phrase; they always made him feel like a child playing spy. “All right, let's get this over with, I've already been stuck on this moon long enough.”

“First, we’ll need to go somewhere a little more... private.” All innocence had disappeared from her crystal blue eyes.

“Look, lady, we do this here and now. If you don't have what I came for, well, then I guess I don't have any credits.” TuQ’uan was getting suspicious, fast. Scanning her person to see where she could have a datapad stashed, the mercenary spotted the hilt of a lightsaber hiding under her cloak. It can never be easy, can it?

Subtly sliding his vibrodagger from its hiding place in his jacket, the Kel Dor stabbed at the Jedi’s ribs. Sensing the strike coming, Aurora twisted with the attack, causing the blade to graze her stomach, leaving a slice in her cloak. Pulling back, TuQ’uan attempted another assault, swiping wildly at her chest, but the Zeltron nimbly deflected the blade with her open hand.

The mercenary lunged forward to stab again at the Odanite. Aurora grabbed the attacking wrist before the blow could connect, twisting and using the Kel Dor's momentum against him. In one fluid movement, TuQ’uan was over her shoulder and on the ground, disarmed.

Rolling over, TuQ’uan scrambled away from the Jedi, getting his feet under him. He moved towards the passersby, who were giving the two a wide berth, ignoring the brawl. The Kel Dor unholstered his DL-44.

“Let me leave, and nobody has to get hurt here!” the mercenary pleaded as he waved his blaster around at the passing crowds.

The Jedi gave pause, not wanting any innocents to get injured. TuQ’uan took the opportunity to blend in with the passing crowds, holstering his blaster and withdrawing his datapad. Typing away, the Plagueian activated his remote access to the power grid and shut off all power to the area. As the streets went dark, panic ensued.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 30 July, 2017 9:15 PM UTC

The smell of fried rotting food filled the air at the busy corner that had been chosen as the meeting place, there were plenty of interesting parties here but none seemed to pay any mind to the Kel Dor, or his destination.

Runnon sentence. Lacking a period or semicolon.

Love the set up here.

Aura swore quietly under her breath and rushed to join the chaos as streams of people made their way out of the sector to find some light. She winced as rough hands pushed her forward, making her almost trip on the person in front of her. The Zeltron pressed her hand against her stomach, a sickly wet sensation accompanied by another flicker of pain.

Karking schutta!

Another pair of civilians clipped her right side in their haste to flee, making the Odanite painfully twist to her side to stay on her feet.

“Move it!”
“Get out of the way!”

Ignoring the cacophony of screams and bickering around her, she followed the slow pace of the frightened crowd as she used the Force to close her wound. A few moments later, she wiped her hand against her robes and rechecked her injury, thankfully feeling nothing of note but a sensitive layer of skin.

That better not leave a scar.

The Odanite reached out to the Force, wondering where TuQ’uan had run to, confident he couldn’t have gone far in the packed, dark streets. Almost everyone felt the same, a mixture of fear and anger. She sighed and lowered her hood, hoping to get the Plagueian’s attention. He had tried to knife her for the information she supposedly had, so maybe he would stick around for it. She couldn’t help but smile grimly. She didn’t have anything to give the Kel Dor, but she did plan to slap a pair of stuncuffs over his wrists. It wasn’t an official mission, but what the Lotus didn’t know wouldn’t hurt it. His reputation was more than enough evidence.

She didn’t have to wait long. As she turned a corner, the lights flickered back on for a brief moment, revealing a slew of densely packed vendor stalls to her right. Aura barely turned her head to look around before the Force warned her to move. Surrounded on all sides, she merely dropped to a squat, wrapping her arms around her head. The crowd to her right screamed as electricity shot outwards from the nearest stall, the explosion of superheated material from inside its large sign overhead setting anything close by on fire. A loud electrical pop punctuated the air before the power cut out again, the nearby flames the only source of light.

The Odanite fell onto her side as panicked civilians tripped over her. She pushed them off and got back up, sparing a glance at the wounded as they tended to their burns. Several civilians were still on fire. From the corner of her eye, she saw a retreating figure look over its shoulder, the silhouette of a wide-brimmed hat visible in the glow of the growing fire. Flames spread from one trash collection to the next, aided by a film of chemicals that lined the filthy, duracrete streets. Aura growled in frustration and ran after him, igniting her lightsaber with a snap-hiss.

“Come back here! How dare you hurt them?!”

The Zeltron was outraged. More than ever, she wanted to finally put the professional criminal in prison, hopefully under several counts of aggravated assault rather than murder. She didn’t want anyone to die for this schutta.

“Then come get me, Jedi!”

Aura could see the glow of the Plagueian’s datapad as he ran past another stall, the Kel Dor hastily looking over his shoulder to mark her position. The lights briefly went on again as the circuit breaker up ahead started to glow intermittently. The Zeltron quickly stopped herself and dashed back the way she had come, pulling the Force into her legs to make her sprint faster. She dove forward once she heard the electricity, landing roughly on the duracrete. Darkness descended once more.

She groaned as she picked herself up and ran back after him, determined to catch TuQ’uan by the glow of the newly-made fires and her lightsaber. Things had backfired so far, but she was hopeful she would capture him eventually. Lucky for her, he seemed to be willing to play along, reactivating the lights and slowing down enough so she could see what side street he took. Either that or he was getting tired. She dearly hoped it was the latter rather than a trap, but ran around the corner anyways. She skidded to a halt, stalls flanking her on either side.

“I always prepare for the worst. Now hand over the datapad.”

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 30 July, 2017 9:30 PM UTC

The Zeltron pressed her hand against her stomach, a sickly wet sensation accompanied by another flicker of pain.

Syntax is off here.

TuQ’uan was taking a huge gamble here, but he needed to redeem this mission. His handy work was visible around the corner, flickering off the buildings on either side of the street, a layer of grease and grime on the duracrete giving the dancing light a glossy sheen. Chaos ruled the refugee sector as a multitude of species either fled the destruction or ran to help, though there were far fewer of the later. Even the vendors that lined the rundown streets were cutting their loses and packing up their stalls before things got worse.

“Just give me what I came for, and no one else needs to get hurt!” he cried over the panicked screaming all around.

A bubble had formed around the two in the narrow street, even in the chaos the citizens of the refugee sector knew not to interfere with a brawl. The Kel Dor took a few slow steps backwards, creating a bit more room. Aura began cautiously striding towards him, she had walked right into his hand. Her cobalt lightsaber humming at her side, Aurora glared at the Plagueian with intense indignation, not believing his words for even a moment. The Zeltron whipped her head to the side as a sonic grenade TuQ’uan had left behind let out a beep readying to explode. Knowing that if she didn’t do something, and fast, it would just add to the chaos on the streets, the Odanite called on the force to lift the grenade high into the air.

The mercenary saw his opportunity and drew his heavy blaster, firing a volley of shots at the Jedi. The blaster bolts stopped short of their target, but switching her concentration from the grenade to the bolts was enough and the sonic grenade began plummeting back towards the crowded street. A deafening sound wave erupted mere feet above the pedestrians filling the streets of Nar Shadaa, causing many of them to double over and more wild panic to ensue.

Aura was forced to take a knee to steady herself, squeezing her eyes shut she willed the forming migraine away. Unable to hear anything but the high pitched whine, the Jedi concentrated hard, prying her eyes open.

The Kel Dor stalked towards his downed quarry, blaster drawn and began firing. The Jedi’s lightsaber swiftly rose to meet the plasma, deflecting the bolts harmlessly into the buildings on either side of the battle. Focus visible on the Zeltron’s pink face as she drew deeper on the Force and deflected one of the bolts into the mercenary's leg causing him to stumble and grunt. Aura got her feet underneath her, continuing to deflect blaster fire, she had given herself in to the Force. More bolts flew into the surrounding buildings before TuQ’uan took a second bolt to the leg. Letting out a yelp of pain the Plagueian fell to his knees, continuing to fire on the Odanite despite the intense pain.

The Jedi advanced on her opponent deflecting one final attack before jabbing her lightsaber into the barrel of the DL-44, rendering it completely useless.

“It’s over Plagueian scum,” she growled keeping her lightsaber at the ready, “you’ll pay for your crimes.”

“Pay? I’ve already payed, and I didn't even get what I came for,” the Kel Dor quipped. Using all of his strength TuQ’uan pushed himself to his feet and attempted to rush at the Zeltron. Aura nimbly took a step to the side avoiding the attack, and watched the Plagueian stumble and fall, planting his face in the filthy duracrete street.

Before he could recover from the fall a foot was planted on his back, the hum of the lightsaber was a mere inch away from his face. The mercenary struggled under his captor’s foot, but that was short lived, she drove the butt of her lightsaber into the side of the mercenary’s skull causing him to collapse. Aura activated her comm.

“Lotus, I have a surprise.”

The Jedi pulled out a pair of stuncuffs, smoke was beginning to waft down the street carrying with it the smell of burning trash.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 30 July, 2017 9:51 PM UTC

A bubble had formed around the two in the narrow street, even in the chaos the citizens of the refugee sector knew not to interfere with a brawl.

Aura began cautiously striding towards him, she had walked right into his hand.

These would both need to have a period or a semicolon.

The Zeltron whipped her head to the side as a sonic grenade TuQ’uan had left behind let out a beep readying to explode.

TuQ has 0 in explosives. So, while that does allow you to use a sonic grenade, he writes it like he was leaving it as a trap, which implies a better knowledge of how it works/radius. I know that you have "Go Go Gadget" as a Combat Aspect, so that might have thrown you off here. This is an example of a Combat Aspect not having the support of skills behind it. For learning purposes, Aspects help explain how your character uses their skills/feats/powers. They don't create abilities for you. If you have questions, I'm happy to look over your CS with you at any time. Just let me know :).

the Odanite called on the force

Always capitalize the Force :)

The blaster bolts stopped short of their target,

Her lightsaber is in her hand...why wouldn't she try and bat them away that way?

Focus visible on the Zeltron’s pink face as she drew deeper on the Force and deflected one of the bolts into the mercenary's leg causing him to stumble and grunt.

was visible*

Redirecting blaster bolts in our system is limited to three styles: Soresu, Sokan, and Shien. (The Three S's). Blade uses Vaapad.

“Pay? I’ve already payed, and I didn't even get what I came for,” the Kel Dor quipped. Using all of his strength TuQ’uan pushed himself to his feet and attempted to rush at the Zeltron. Aura nimbly took a step to the side avoiding the attack, and watched the Plagueian stumble and fall, planting his face in the filthy duracrete street.

Even for a Force User with Control Self, getting up and charging with two blaster bolt hits to the legs seems incredibly unrealistic.

Aura looked around, unable to immediately spot the source of the disembodied voice. Somewhere in the sea of abandoned stalls and large piles of refuse hid TuQ’uan. She gazed suspiciously at a few of the towering piles of garbage, wondering if the Kel Dor’s breathing mask could filter out the pungent smell. Undeterred, she searched for him within the Force, the Plagueian no longer able to hide among Nar Shaddaa’s citizens.

Found you.

Aura resisted turning her head to a trash pile to her far right, which conveniently for TuQ’uan was far away enough to ensure his safety from the cluster of stands surrounding her. The Odanite took a small step forward.

“Stop right there, Jedi, or I’ll press this button. No games. Pass me the datapad or else,” threatened the Plagueian.

Aura froze in place, mentally counting the number of vendor stalls on either side of her and gauging how long it might take to get past them.

“Kark!” she whispered under her breath, self-perseverance overriding her desire for justice. Or was it revenge for those he had hurt? She couldn’t quite tell at the moment.

The Zeltron glowered as she turned off her saber and raised her hands in the air.

“Alright. Stay calm. I’ll give you the datapad. Let me add one more thing for you. Consider it a bonus for all the trouble I caused you tonight.”

“Make it quick! No funny business.”

“I promise,” replied Aura. The Odanite took out her pad, quickly tapped a new message on the recently wiped device, and powered it off, holding it high in the air. “Here you go. Now, how about you come out where I can see you so I know where to toss this thing. Don’t be afraid. I can’t go anywhere without you hurting me,” she grumbled.

A few heartbeats passed before TuQ’uan came out into the open, his blaster pointing squarely at her chest. He kept his distance as he made a wide arc around her, finally stopping directly across from her with the only other exit a short distance behind him.

“Toss it over. If you throw it short on purpose, I’ll shoot you,” threatened the Plagueian.

Aura gave him her full attention, carefully examining TuQ’uan’s face as he held his finger menacingly over the trigger. He meant business. Aura chucked the datapad at him, using the Force for a brief moment to help push it along. It fell with a clatter at his feet, slightly propped up against his foot. The Kel Dor kept her in sight as he squatted down to find it, the hand holding his own glowing pad blindly searching around him. The Zeltron couldn’t help but fear he would press the button on accident.

Thankfully, nothing went off as his fingers finally wrapped around her hand-held computer. The Plagueian stood back up and holstered his blaster, his other hand still willing and able to show her the raw power of technology. He grabbed the new device with his free hand and powered it on. As he looked down to verify its contents, she reached out to the Force to overwhelm the Kel Dor’s nerves, muscles, and tendons, temporarily stunning him in place. She sprinted to get a running start and then launched herself high into the air towards TuQ’uan, pulling the Force into her legs to help lift her up and above the stalls below her.

As she rocketed towards him, she could hear an ominous hum before electricity was unleashed. Stray tendrils arced into her legs as she passed the last line of vendor stalls, searching for the nearest conductor. Aura screamed out in pain, focusing on keeping hold of her saber. The welcoming sound of an electrical pop preceded a familiar darkness, giving her a welcome relief as the current died out. The Zeltron slammed into the ground, her legs too sluggish to be much good to her.

“So, you not only double-crossed me but you also thought you could catch me. It won’t be that easy, Jedi. See you later!”

A small cylinder with blue flashing lights was all she saw before a powerful shockwave smacked into her, disorienting her as she laid on the ground.

I’ll get you next time…