Savant Tisto Kingang vs. Augur Rian Taldrya

Savant Tisto Kingang

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Kiffar, Force Disciple, Juggernaut
vs.

Augur Rian Taldrya

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Mirialan, Force Disciple, Juggernaut, Obelisk
Comment

I'm not going to lie, when I pulled up both sheets, I was hoping for a good old Juggernaut slugfest. While short action sequences can be just as rewarding, this fight was rather shallow and anticlimactic. I know that the two were fighting for a reason, but I never really got a sense of stakes of what was on the line for either of them. Each writer had a flaw with their final post action sequences. Both writers told equally middling stories, but both played off the other's posts pretty evenly. In the end, while there were a few glaring typos, Tisto's posts were more polished and easier to read, syntax wise. This puts him ahead in what would otherwise be an even push for a tie.

Both of you know better than to not get a proofer. In the absence of one, try reading your posts out loud to yourself. Your ears will catch a lot of errors that your eyes gloss over. That said, good work getting this match completed. Proud of you both, and thanks for bringing the noise and competing!

-W

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Tisto Kingang, Augur Rian Taldrya
Winner Savant Tisto Kingang
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Tisto Kingang's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Augur Rian Taldrya's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Coruscant: Level 1313
Last Post 21 July, 2017 4:55 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Rian Taldrya Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Repeated errors that made it difficult to read/follow the writing descriptions. Rationale: A few typos and errors, but nothing that slowed down my reading or made me re-read anything.
Story - 40%
Rian Taldrya Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: It wasn't a very good one, but at least you set up a reason for the fight. It was straight forward and predictable, but nothing glaringly bad or wrong. Rationale: Pretty straight forward. Some clever dialogue, but ultimately nothing that was good or bad or stood out.
Realism - 25%
Rian Taldrya Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: See notes. Rationale: See notes.
Continuity - 20%
Rian Taldrya Padawan Tisto Kingang
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues
Rian Taldrya's Score: 3.65 Padawan Tisto Kingang's Score: 3.8
Posts

Coruscant Level 1313

So named because it is located one thousand, three hundred, and thirteen levels from the core of Coruscant, Level 1313 is distanced from the politics of the upper levels. Overlooking the chasm burrowing further into Coruscant’s core, one can watch freighters transporting their illicit cargo between levels. One misstep would send the careless careening into the bottomless pit, or aid the local gangs in staging “accidents.”

Weathered duracrete forms the retainer along the chasm wall, built in concentric rings that descend down an untold height. Strengthened with solid durasteel braces, maintenance has not been needed this far into Coruscant for a long time. Nevertheless, droids pre-programmed to fill in the cracks and crevices that might form in the walls float on repulsorlifts without drawing attention from the criminal gangs; themselves, being focused on their next smuggling operation or struggle for control over Coruscant’s scum-filled underbelly.

Level 1313: A massive sprawling landscape underneath the upper levels of Coruscant. Named after its location thirteen-hundred thirteen levels from the core of the planet. At least that was a much more appealing thought to Rian, than the fact of the weight of several more thousand levels that lay between those living here and the surface above. The streets down here were littered with shivering figures, some gathered around small fires, others begging for a handful of credits or something to eat. Yet others called out to him, offering all sorts of illegal substances.

Echo, his seeker droid, chimed in with another update on his target. It had taken the droid almost the entire day to find Tisto and since then the small droid has been trailing him from a safe distance until he had entered a nearby bar. The doors to the bar hissed open. The air was hazy with smoke from various substances being burnt, while several exotic looking females moved their bodies to the thundering sound of primal music. Rian quickly scanned the place, looking for the person he had come for.

He found him sitting at the counter, broad shouldered, red shirt and black-and-yellow adds. Rian stalked his way to the bartop almost unnoticed. Only when he reached the empty spot next to his target, did the human barkeeper acknowledge him with a short nod. He ordered a Corellian single malt before bringing the attention onto his target.

"Hey, mind if I take that seat?" he said cheerily to Tisto. The Kiffar waved him off in a lack of disinterest. Rian took the seat anyway, nodding to the human barkeeper who had slid a small glass filled with an amber liquor in his direction. "You did a very good job on Edrien, Tisto."

Tisto looked up to the other man for the first time, taking notice of who exactly was sitting next to him. Rian knocked back the small glass, savoring the smooth yet smokey taste in his mouth, before slamming the glass back onto the bar. "But apparently with your actions, you have brought the attention of the Inquisitorius on you."

"And I can't risk you telling them about Taldryan when they find you, and they will, they always do; and torture you." Rian followed, rising from his chair.

Tisto stared at him, completely taken aback by Rian’s sudden change in tone. Time seemed to slow for Tisto, as he saw Rian's hand slide behind his back, drawing his lightsaber from its customized sheath. With a crackling hiss, a serrated blue blade snapped to life. The barkeeper squeaked in panic, diving under the bar. "Help! Help – "

While most of the patrons scurried underneath their tables, a handful followed Tisto and rose to their feet, grabbing for their own weapons. Spying at the men aiming their blasters at Rian. Thinking of the countless bottles lined behind the bar that were filled with exotic liquors, the barkeeper shouted. "No, no blasters!"

Then there was another hiss, followed by a flash of light. This blade was crimson in color and mirrored the blue one in length. And at that moment, it was clear to the audience that they would do better to leave this stand off then risk getting shot by their own blaster fire being reflected back at them.

Rian lunged, but Tisto ducked the first slash, before bringing his own blade up to block the  barrage of slashes that followed. For a moment they danced between the tables, their blades only blurs between them as they exchanged blows.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 August, 2017 12:11 AM UTC

He found him sitting at the counter, broad shouldered, red shirt and black-and-yellow adds.

what are adds? Confused here.

Only when he reached the empty spot next to his target, did the human barkeeper acknowledge him with a short nod.

no comma needed here.

Spying at the men aiming their blasters at Rian.

Fragment.

Dammit Bell where the Frak are you?! the biker thought to himself. The air here was disgusting, and the Kiffar had only come here to pick up one of his gang members. This damn cantina doesn't even have any tea!

Tisto kept on the defensive, his crimson blade focusing on keeping the other weapon away. The biker needed to buy time as everyone rushed to the doors in a panic as the two Force Users clashed. The sabers locked after a strike, and Tisto immediately felt pressure coming from his opponent. The Mirialan was strong, at least far stronger than Tisto. The biker struggled to hold his own, jumping back after several seconds of the clash. He smiled as he saw the room was now empty.

Time to stop my own murder now, he thought to himself.

"Who the frak are you?" the biker shouted, growing annoyed with the Mirialans actions. "And why the Frak do you give a damn what I say about Taldrya. I may just go find the nearest Inquisitor and talk about how Taldrya decides randomly to kill their allies!"

"You would so openly betray us?!" Rian said coldly, color draining from his face. He unconsciously started to dodge as Tisto called the Force into his hand.

The biker slammed his palm into the ground, unleashing a telekinetic blast. Tables near Tisto were sent flying around the bar, flying over Rian. The biker launched himself at the Mirialan, saber extended. The rolling Taldryan was forced to scramble back up to avoid the lunge. The two turned to face each other, lightsabers ready.

"Really laserbrain?" Tisto began. "You think I'd go and tell the damn inquisitors anything? After I beat you down, I think I'll go kill a few and place their corpses in what ever ship you came here on."

"Some Jedi you are," the Mirialan replied, gripping the lightsaber given to him by his teacher.

Tisto looked behind himself mockingly. "I don't see any Jedi here. I see myself and a person who would kill an ally."

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 August, 2017 12:16 AM UTC

Force Users clashed.

users would be lowercase in this usage.

...the biker shouted, growing annoyed with the Mirialans actions.

Mirilan's

"Yes, and I would do it over and over again, if it was for the safety of Taldryan." Rian said in a plain assessment of the situation. Then he lashed out once more; coming at Tisto with unexpectable might, a scream of pure rage in his wake. His swirling blade a ventilation to his rage as Rian unleashed a ferocious series of blows. An overhand slash that bashed at Tisto's defense like a hammer striking an anvil; a low stab he was barely unable to sidestep; a swift spin kick that forcefully connected with Tisto's midriff, making him stagger away from Rian.

Tisto growled at Rian as he regained his footing. Power gathered around him, an invisible storm of energy as he leapt at Rian, his crimson blade held high.

Rian sneered, raised his blade to block but thumbed his blade off at the apex of the move, letting Tisto's blade pass by, before the jagged blue line hummed to life again. The move took Tisto by surprise. But this time, Rian didn't give Tisto the opportunity to regain his footing, nor the possibility to mount a counteroffensive. .

Rian pressed on, loosening another flurry of strikes, his blade a sizzling blur as it whirled upon Tisto in an overwhelming storm of slashes. Tisto, again, was forced to retreat under the continued onslaught, until he found himself pinned with his back against a wall. With no other options left, Tisto fell to one knee and stabbed at Rian's chest. Rian spun out of the way and rode the momentum thrusting his blade around his body, guiding it through Tisto's exposed wrist.

Tisto's blade fell from his hand as a sharp wave of agony coursed through his body. His instincts took over where the mind would have fallen into a state of despair, allowing Tisto to stay sharp at the sight of the tip of Rian's blade aimed at his throat.

Rian thrust his blade forward, but it was stopped mid air by a translucent corona, centimeters from delivering the killing blow. The blue blade shuddered against the almost invisible barrier; but continued in its track, though its momentum was significantly slowed down. Finally with a last push from Rian, it broke through, the translucent corona falling and with it the final defense of Tisto. With nothing left to stop it, Rian's blade seared through Tisto's throat and spinal column, ending the life of Tisto Kinkang.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 August, 2017 12:24 AM UTC

"Yes, and I would do it over and over again, if it was for the safety of Taldryan." Rian said in a plain assessment of the situation.

comma needed to tie dialogue to intonation description.

Then he lashed out once more; coming at Tisto with unexpectable might, a scream of pure rage in his wake.

I think you meant unexpected? This reads very awkward.

His swirling blade a ventilation to his rage as Rian unleashed a ferocious series of blows.

grammar is very off here.

With no other options left, Tisto fell to one knee and stabbed at Rian's chest. Rian spun out of the way and rode the momentum thrusting his blade around his body, guiding it through Tisto's exposed wrist. Tisto's blade fell from his hand as a sharp wave of agony coursed through his body. His instincts took over where the mind would have fallen into a state of despair, allowing Tisto to stay sharp at the sight of the tip of Rian's blade aimed at his throat.

Rian thrust his blade forward, but it was stopped mid air by a translucent corona, centimeters from delivering the killing blow.

So, this whole action sequence...I'm not buying that Tisto falls for the feint here with a +4 in Vapad, Lightning Reflexes, and also has the same Juggernaut feats working for him. On top of that, it seems like a real stretch that even with +4 Barrier that after losing a hand to a lightsaber that Tisto could manage to focus enough to throw the barrier up.

"I am protecting my Clan!"Rian yelled stubbornly. "Not that a unloyal biker would understand that."

"Unloyal? Who is trying to kill who here?!" Tisto mocked. "Or is this a loyalty measuring contest? Because if need be I'll whip out my loyalty so we can compare the sizes."

The Taldryan paused, at a loss for words. "I... what?" was the best he could manage as he tried to absorb what was just implied. He had not expected someone affiliated with the Jedi to be so vulgar. "Did you just compare my loyalty to my Clan to a measurement of my manhood?"

"Is it not?" Tisto asked. "Because aren't you here to kill me too 'protect your clan'? Our Clans are allies, yet you 'loyalty' to Taldrya says kill your ally. Can we just be honest and admit you are following something pretty damn far from loyalty. because loyalty isn't located below your waist."

Rian shook his head. "You won't convince me I am doing the wrong thing!"

"I dunno," Tisto replied venomously. "I happen to have a holoprojector. We could call your superiors and see what they think about killing an Odanite. We can also call my bosses to see how much they would appreciate murdering one of their own."

"Shut up!" the Taldryan said back.

"Are you even on an official mission from your leaders?" Tisto asked. "Or have you taken matters into your own, unfit hands?"

"That doesn't matter!" Rian said, uncomfortable that Tisto realized he was doing this on his own.

"Sure it does laserbrain," Tisto said, shoving his hand forward quickly and pushing out with the Force.

Rian was caught off guard by the blast, having become distracted by the talking. He flew back into the bar, his head hitting the edge. He felt something warm running down his neck. "Dammit!" he yelled. "I will kill you for my Clan!"

"Put a sock in it," Tisto said dismissively. "You wouldn't be able to fight long like this. Besides this entire fight is pointless. I'm not stupid enough to believe your bosses sent you on a mission to kill me. That could easily turn Odan-Urr into an enemy, which I doubt anyone wants. We already have the Iron Throne to worry about."

"Frak you!" Rian yelled, his hopes to kill the biker slowly dying.

"Now I'm going to leave if you don't mind. I recommend calling for help when I leave," Tisto said, gathering the Force in his hand. He proceeded to close his hand slowly.

Rian felt pressure around his neck and began to have a hard time breathing. He gasped for air and struggled against the pressure, cursing Tisto in his mind. The world faded to black for the Mirialan as he lost consciousness. Tisto stopped the choke when the Mirialan went limp and checked for his pulse. Satisfied that he hadn't killed the man, the biker left the bar in search of Bell.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 August, 2017 12:30 AM UTC

"Unloyal? Who is trying to kill who here?!" Tisto mocked. "Or is this a loyalty measuring contest? Because if need be I'll whip out my loyalty so we can compare the sizes."

This might be my favorite line of dialogue in the entire event.

yet you 'loyalty' to Taldrya says kill your ally.

your*

loyalty. because loyalty

Missing capital.

"Sure it does laserbrain," Tisto said, shoving his hand forward quickly and pushing out with the Force.

Rian was caught off guard by the blast, having become distracted by the talking. He flew back into the bar, his head hitting the edge.

So, a few things here. 1.) TK isn't a blast. You do have TK Wave, but that usually needs to have some kind of impact to work. It's not an energy blast. 2.) Rian has +4 Resolve, and +3 Precog and has the Lightning Reflexes feat. That means not only would he probably keep hit wits about him even while arguing with someone, the Force would have given him a bit of warning to being simply Force-pushed back into the bar.