Peacekeeper Ka Tarvitz vs. Knight Ringer Klang

Peacekeeper Ka Tarvitz

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Juggernaut, Guardian
vs.

Knight Ringer Klang

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Wookiee, Force Disciple, Marauder
Comment

Thank you both for your participation and seeing this match through to completion.

This was a rather straightforward bout in terms of the narrative, with most of the writing focused entirely on the combat. That's not a bad thing, as this is the combat center. However, this left things somewhat superficial in the character department. It was hard to find a sense of uniqueness to both of the characters. It was only ever one or the other, depending on the author. The match was complete and there weren't many missteps in that regard. Just never any hook to make it a truly engaging work.

With the scores tallied, the winner is Ringer Klang.

Looking forward to future matches from you both.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Peacekeeper Ka Tarvitz, Knight Ringer Klang
Winner Knight Ringer Klang
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Peacekeeper Ka Tarvitz's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Ringer Klang 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Naboo: Jan-gwa City
Last Post 23 July, 2017 12:50 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Ringer Klang Nikora Rhan
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Just a few errors, very clean overall. Rationale: Errors found throughout and it seemed like there may have been a lack of proofing performed on the second post.
Story - 40%
Ringer Klang Nikora Rhan
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: This match was complete, from start to finish, but lacked a depth that could have raised this to a higher score. Character motivations are glossed over and depth is only granted to Ringer in the course of your writing. All in all, the content never manages to hook the reader in and compel them onward. Rationale: You offered up a complete plot in your posts with the promise of more to come. However, the motivations are left lacking and character depth is only attributed to one character, that being your own. There was a missed opportunity to fill in any blanks offered up by your opponent and bring this story to the next level.
Realism - 25%
Ringer Klang Nikora Rhan
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Nothing that was noted. Rationale: Minor issue in the first post.
Continuity - 20%
Ringer Klang Nikora Rhan
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing that was noted. Rationale: Nothing that was noted.
Ringer Klang's Score: 4.05 Nikora Rhan's Score: 3.65
Posts

Naboo Jan-gwa City

Unlike the Gungan’s submerged capital below Naboo, Jan-gwa rests partially underwater; the majority of the city rests above the water’s surface. A waterfall runs along the cliffs behind Jan-gwa, creating a veil of mist around the base of the city’s rounded platforms. Nocturnally illuminated, domed structures encompass the center of each platform and are home to Jan-gwa’s Gungan inhabitants. Some of the these structures extend below the water’s surface, creating an anchor that keeps Jan-gwa from floating with the currents and provides shelter to hundreds of Gungans.

Etched into the cliff walls are several faces of unknown origin. Resembling a humanoid with unembellished features, these carvings are not reminiscent of the city’s Gungan inhabitants—perhaps an indication that some other civilization might have resided near the floating city.

Interesting place the clan leaders chose for a duel, Ringer thought to himself as he jogged along the edge of one of the intriguing Gungan platforms toward the duel’s appointed location. It was a time to keep sharp and well-trained, what with the brewing tensions between clans. The leadership of both Odan-Urr and Taldryan, respecting a tentative, though likely temporary, alliance, had been arranging these practice bouts for their members in preparation for the inevitable conflict with the Iron Throne.

Glancing at the time on his datapad, the Wookiee let out a low Shyriiwook curse and picked up the pace, his heavy footfalls thudding dully through the cave. Late again. I knew I shouldn’t have stopped for that second lunch, he thought. At least I’ll be warmed up when I get there, he joked to himself, his typical levity surfacing.

Reaching the designated platform, Ringer slowed to a brisk walk as he entered the dome at the center and took stock of his surroundings. Descending a set of stone stairs into a sort of amphitheater, the Wookiee sized up his opponent, a somewhat imposing human in an ivory set of clone trooper armor, helmet clasped under his right arm as he waited impassively. Ah yes, Tarvitz. Klang had heard of the Jedi who apparently was almost never seen without his armor on.

“Nice of you to show up,” the Odan-Urr Peacekeeper remarked with a wry smile. Ringer just shrugged with a toothy grin as he drew his lightsaber, igniting the blade with a hiss. Tarvitz donned his helmet and then followed suit, his crimson blade presenting a marked contrast to Ringer’s sapphire weapon. Both combatants dipped their heads in a shallow bow to each other before readying themselves for combat, the human sliding his right foot back and extending his saber toward Ringer, who simply lifted his blade to the ready. The Wookiee’s smile was replaced by a look of tenacity as he steeled himself for the battle.

Not wasting any more time, Ringer leapt toward his opponent, striking down vertically as he descended. Ringer fully intended for the combination of his weight and velocity to set the lighter human staggering backwards a few paces, but as his blade struck Tarvitz’s raised saber, the Wookiee was the one set off balance when Tarvitz’s body did not budge a single centimeter. The Taldryan Knight leapt backwards to put some distance between himself and his opponent and shook his head in amazement. I obviously won’t be relying on my strength in this engagement. Fortunately, Ringer had been forced to learn to rely on agility and speed during his upbringing on Kashyyyk, where he had often been considered the “runt” of the family.

Ringer began a pattern of cuts at his opponent, searching for opportunities to catch the human off guard as he spun and twisted, first slicing at the left, then the right, alternating high and low. Each time, Tarvitz’s burning blade bluntly intervened, battering Ringer’s saber away with such force that it caused his fingers to tingle slightly. The Taldryan found himself gripping his saber hilt more tightly to avoid losing the weapon entirely. This, of course, had the downside of limiting the flexibility and variability of his strikes and especially his deflections of the Equite’s counterattacks. Already beginning to sense the early signs of fatigue, Ringer glanced around the room, searching for anything he could use to gain an advantage. That slight break in concentration cost him, however, as Tarvitz attacked with a particularly powerful sideways cut.

Only a slight nudge from the Force saved the Wookiee from an early defeat as he leapt backward, attempting to deflect the blow with his lightsaber. The force of the blow, combined with his own lack of balance, caused him to lose his grip entirely on his weapon, the blade extinguishing as the hilt soared to the right. It bounced twice before coming to rest against the amphitheater’s stairs.

Darth Renatus, 13 August, 2017 5:53 PM UTC

Syntax

deflect the blow with his lightsaber. The force of the blow

Repetition of "blow" without enhancing the story. Using the same noun or verb in quick sequence can be tiring for a reader, mentally. Should change it up to keep it varied.


Story

This was a suitable opening post and gets things going well. You set up the reason for the match, though not necessarily the individual motivations of the combatants themselves. While you spend a lot of time granting a personality to your own character, your opponent's character is given less of a treatment. It's the type of situation where you could swap Tarvitz out with another character and the story itself really wouldn't change much (assuming it's another Odan-Urr character). Still, you interspersed some nice character history to explain the actions being taken. It's a good effort to make the action engaging and interesting.

Before the sound of the lightsaber clattering to the ground had even faded to an echo, Tarvitz brought his own weapon to bear against Ringer's throat. While close enough for the energy blade to illuminate his face from below with a vermilion aura, Tarvitz consciously kept the lightsaber's point several inches away from the Wookiee's hazel coat. The last thing either of them wanted was for this friendly bout to end with one combatant accidentally setting the other alight.

“Well fought,” Tarvitz nodded with a respectful smile, “Do you yield?”

Ringer quietly growled something in Shyriiwook as he glanced between the lightsaber and the man holding it. Tarvitz frowned and then slowly shook his head, trying to understand if that meant yes. Tarvitz relaxed slightly, shifting and slightly lowering the weapon.

“I’m sorry, I don’t-” he began, promptly realising his mistake almost as soon as the words left his mouth.

Sensing his opponent lowering his guard the Wookiee lashed out with one claw, wrenching the lightsaber free from his grasp and sending it skittering across the platform. A rapid follow-up punch from Ringer caught him square in the chest, sending him reeling backwards.

“I’ll take that as a no then,” Tarvitz said, grinning broadly behind his helmet as he took a number of steps away from Ringer, “And nicely done, by the way.”

Others would have likely called foul at the stunt, but Ringer had just managed to both disarm his foe and fight his way clear of an early defeat. Tarvitz could respect that, and it meant that the Knight was capable of offering him a true challenge. Dragging one of the two swords free from its sheath, he triggered the activation switch. The metal sparked into life, wreathed in blue-white lightning as he advanced forwards, making a horizontal slash towards Ringer. The Knight dived to one side, hurling himself under the blade before rolling to his feet again. There was a similar electronic buzz as Ringer drew the staff slung across his back, electrical bolts arcing from its points. Lowering the weapon like a spear, the Wookiee charged forwards, stabbing out twice with the weapon.

Sidestepping the first blow and deflecting the second aside with his sword, Tarvitz barged forwards, slamming his shoulder into Ringer’s exposed side. He stumbled away, seemingly spinning as he lost balance only to drag the staff about in a wide arc, smashing it into Tarvitz’s right arm. While too close to be hit by one of the electrified points, there was nevertheless an audible crack as the weighted duralloy shaft struck against his elbow. Tarvitz suppressed a yell as agony raced his side, and he barely managed to avoid a second strike aimed at his left shoulder. Sensing an opportunity, Ringer pressed forwards, launching blow after blow as he attempted to wear away at the Peacekeeper’s defences. The amphitheater lit lit up as the two weapons clashed again and again, each strike triggering a cascade of neon sparks under the impact.

One way or another, this was going to be over quite soon.

Darth Renatus, 13 August, 2017 6:09 PM UTC

Syntax

Tarvitz frowned and then slowly shook his head, trying to understand if that meant yes

You should have the "yes" in either single or double quotes, as it's conjecture of what the character is saying and not narrative text.

Dragging one of the two swords free from its sheath, he triggered the activation switch.

Since this is the first mention of any swords, using "the two swords" is awkward syntax. Should reference that they are Tarvitz's, at least.

Tarvitz suppressed a yell as agony raced [?] his side

Agony wouldn't so much race his side, as race "along" it or something similar. Reads like a missed word.

The amphitheater lit lit up as the two weapons clashed

Double "lit".


Story

You have some decent back and forth here, though never really delving far below the surface. There was a missed opportunity to work within the motivations. Yes, we see that Tarvitz views Ringer as potentially a true challenge and goes after him with his blades instead, but the plot we're experiencing still feels superficial. Like there isn't any meaningful lessons being learned on either side. If this is to be a training match, there should be more portions similar to when Tarvitz points out that Ringer did something well.


Realism

While close enough for the energy blade to illuminate his face from below with a vermilion aura, Tarvitz consciously kept the lightsaber's point several inches away from the Wookiee's hazel coat. The last thing either of them wanted was for this friendly bout to end with one combatant accidentally setting the other alight.

As per current canon, there's a few things we know about how a lightsaber works. To start, they don't generate heat that can be felt. Once contact is made, that exact point would be superheated from the plasma, but there is no pulsing aura. As well, plasma would devastate the matter it comes into contact with, not really set it on fire. Examples! Qui-gon's robes are blackened but not set on fire when he is impaled by Maul. Another would be the lightsabers cutting through trees in the Episode 7 duel of Rey and Ren. No flames, just glowing superheated trails. That makes this a minor point, but one that is supported with canon.

Sweat poured down both fighters’ faces as their weapons clashed again and again, sparks continuing to fly as neither gained a clear advantage. At first, Ringer intentionally aimed for Tarvitz’s injured right arm, but as the battle progressed, his accuracy quickly gave way to increased speed and power as adrenaline pumped through his muscular body. Utilizing aspects of his lightsaber training, the Wookiee stayed in constant motion, nimbly jumping at Tarvitz from different directions. With each swing, he came a little closer to penetrating his opponent’s defenses as Tarvitz began to struggle to keep up with Ringer’s Marauder intensity, and he could tell that the repeated blocks were beginning to pain the human’s already hurt arm. The Wookiee still had to respect Tarvitz’s impressive endurance; although obviously fatigued, the Equite could still definitely control his breathing. In addition, Tarvitz kept pelting Ringer from all sides with bits of trash that had been left around the amphitheater, preventing the Wookiee from truly sinking into a comfortable rhythm.

Forced to do something to change the tide of the onslaught, Tarvitz lashed out with his sword, nicking Ringer’s right quad, drawing a pained grunt from the Wookiee. Tarvitz leapt backwards to disengage, though not quite quickly enough to completely dodge the last brutal horizontal swing from Ringer’s staff, which had already been in motion when Tarvitz had launched his own attack. The electrified tip caught him on the left shoulder, and although the staff was on the lowest setting, the jolt still caused him to let out a cry of pain as he spun away.

Ringer was paying the price for the intensity of that last exchange as the adrenaline ebbed away, leaving him temporarily exhausted as his body struggled to compensate. He knew he wasn’t going to last much longer at this pace, especially with the cut on his leg. He examined the wound and, finding it to be somewhat shallow, willed the skin to close. It would still throb for a while until he had the strength to treat it properly, but this would keep it from widening through further exertion. He noticed Tarvitz holding his elbow, obviously doing the same thing for his own injury.

No matter the outcome of this match, Ringer was going to be satisfied with having gone toe-to-toe with his experienced opponent. But he did have one gambit left to try as he planned for the next bout.

“Ready to call it?” Ringer could hear the smile in the human’s words, both combatants knowing that neither would give up until they were obviously defeated. You know what happened the last time I “yielded,” Ringer communicated directly to Tarvitz’s mind, flashing his own grin. Both fighters readied their weapons, having rested enough to come together one more time.

Ringer again initiated the battle, flipping forward to land a few feet in front of Tarvitz. The flip had been more than just for show, though. When his body was at just the right angle to shield the action from his opponent, the Wookiee retrieved a small object from his robes. As he landed, he lifted the item, his Inquisitor comlink, and let out a roar as he activated it. As he had hoped, Tarvitz flinched a lot worse than would be expected from the roar. The human’s hands flew to his ears in an involuntary attempt to block them from the roar issuing from his own comlink, embedded in his helmet. The Equite’s grip on his sword was compromised enough for Ringer to easily slam it out of his hands as the roar ceased.

Yield? the Wookiee asked, his staff held at the ready. Tarvitz held up a hand as he removed his helmet with the other.

“I yield. Good thing you can speak to my mind, because I don’t think I’ll be able to hear well for a while,” the human replied, massaging his temples to relieve what must have been a brutal headache. After a moment, he stepped forward, extending a hand to shake. Ringer clasped it with a nod.

“Nice move. I’ll have to remember to switch off my comlink next time I fight. I know the Inquisitorius tells us to keep us to keep them on all the time, but it becomes at the very least a distraction mid-battle, if not worse.” Ringer acknowledge the compliment with a nod and the two fighters exited the amphitheater.

Darth Renatus, 13 August, 2017 6:22 PM UTC

Syntax

The electrified tip caught him on the left shoulder, and although the staff was on the lowest setting, the jolt still caused him to let out a cry of pain as he spun away.

Based on the structure of this sentence, the comma should be between "and" and "although" instead.

“Ready to call it?” Ringer could hear the smile in the human’s words, both combatants knowing that neither would give up until they were obviously defeated. You know what happened the last time I “yielded,” Ringer communicated directly to Tarvitz’s mind, flashing his own grin.

Dialogue for separate characters should be in their own paragraphs, properly separated.

tells us to keep us to keep them

Double "us to keep".


Story

In addition, Tarvitz kept pelting Ringer from all sides with bits of trash that had been left around the amphitheater, preventing the Wookiee from truly sinking into a comfortable rhythm

This is something that would be great to see in the writing of your match, rather than a brief mention of it in passing.

This was a decent enough closing up of the match, but there is still a lack of depth to the writing here. The motivations aren't as clear as they could be. Beyond that, there was never any real hook to the action, or interesting change. It was just back and forth, like a tennis match. You still could get away with swapping Tarvitz out for another clansmen, so that issue never gets resolved from your first post. Then there's the Inquisitorius reference. If your characters are at odds with the Iron Throne, especially a member of Odan-Urr, talking about the Inquisitorius like they are part of it and not rebelling is strange.

The seconds slowed crawled by as the duel devolved into a furious exchange of parried attacks, stabs and reposes. There was no subtlety to the duel now, no hint of subterfuge or clever tactics; simply the raw exchange of speed and might as one foe sought to break through the other's guard. It was the sort of fight Tarvitz excelled at, the sort he relished, and yet he could feel himself being slowly pushed back. Step by step, inch by inch, he cwas giving ground to the Wookiee as he tried to gain some momentary respite to recover from the attacks. Ringer was evidently determined to deny him this, and every time he felt as if he was ready to break away, Tarvitz found the electrified tip of his staff stabbing from the other direction to cut off his escape.

In terms of raw skill with their weapons the two might have been evenly matched, but Ringer was pressing to use every advantage at his disposal. Tarvitz's free arm was still numb from the earlier strike, robbing him of using the rest of his arsenal during the course of the battle, while also forcing him to guard his side until it could recover. The shorter blade also meant that Ringer could afford to keep him at a distance, and slowly wear him down. Lunging forwards, Tarvitz made a low slash with the sword, trying to catch the Wookiee under his guard only for the Knight to easily step away from the blow. He batted the weapon away with one end of the staff before sending the other end hammering downwards towards Tarvitz's head. It passed close enough for Tarvitz to hear the angry buzz of the weapon's internal generators as he rolled to one side, and instinctively leaned to one side to avoid a another stab aimed towards his chest.

Despite everything, Tarvitz couldn't help but grin at the challenge Ringer was offering. Clearly this wasn't something he was going to win through more traditional methods. Perhaps it was time to resort to some of his more unconventional tactics.

Releasing the grip on his sword, Tarvitz allowed it to fall to the ground before kicking it forwards. It skittered away from him, leaving blackened marks where the electrified blade touched the carved Gungan floor, and directly towards Ringer's exposed feet. The Knight was moving even before it came close, and Tarvitz knew it was too obvious a tactic to so easily defeat him. Yet, for a split-second Ringer's attention was diverted downwards, and that was all he needed. He called upon the Force, channeling it's energies into his palm, and by the time Ringer looked up again Tarvitz was ready with one glowing hand raised before him. The area between them exploded in a white phosphorescent light as Tarvitz unleashed the attack, momentarily blinding Ringer. The Wookiee backed away, clutching his eyes and bellowing in pain at the sudden assault. He offered little resistance as Tarvitz lunged outwards, ripping the staff from his hands before kicking the Wookiee's legs out from under him. He landed heavily on his back, blinking repeatedly as his sight slowly recovered, only to face Tarvitz standing over him, his rapier leveled at Ringer's chest.

"Do you yield?" he asked, watching the Wookiee's response carefully.

Ringer answered with a slight grunt of something in Shyriiwook, before slowly nodding.

"Very well then," Tarvitz nodded with a smile, before sheathing his weapon and offering a hand out to help Ringer up "So, best of three or five?"

Darth Renatus, 13 August, 2017 6:31 PM UTC

Syntax

The seconds slowed crawled by as the duel

You picked two verbs here instead of one with "slowed crawled".

attacks, stabs and reposes.

I presume you meant "ripostes" here?

There was no subtlety to the duel now, no hint of subterfuge or clever tactics; simply the raw exchange of speed and might as one foe sought to break through the other's guard.

Both portions of this sentence should function as independent clauses for the semicolon to be valid. The latter half here doesn't stand on its own.

he cwas giving ground

Typo here.

channeling it's energies into his palm

The possessive form of "its" should be used here. It likes to be the odd kid out and not use the apostrophe.


Story

Much of the issues from the first post are still present here. The depth of story is very shallow, skimming the surface of the characters and really delving deeply into your own character to the detriment of the other. Would be nice to have the action looped into some sort of larger narrative that makes this feel more complete, with the motivations and circumstances clear. You wrap up the match in a nice bow, implying there is more to come after the conclusion. That's a good thing to play on.