Privateer Keiji Suoh vs. Commander Rhylance

Privateer Keiji Suoh

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Togruta, Mercenary, Hunter
vs.

Commander Rhylance

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Chiss, Loyalist, Field Medic
Comment

This was a quick but really clean match in terms of technical writing. Both of you did an excellent job with that part. Keiji's shorter final post lead to an anticlimactic finish, and left a lot of potential on the floor to have been explored or flushed out for a more engaging story.

That said, and separate from this match, I'd like to say that you've gotten better with every match, Keiji. I'm really impressed with how you've developed over the course of the event. Keep up the good work.

Rhylance is the winner here for simply having more meat to his story, even if it was fairly cookie cutter. Great job, both of you.

-W

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Privateer Keiji Suoh, Commander Rhylance
Winner Commander Rhylance
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Privateer Keiji Suoh's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Commander Rhylance's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Oricon: Dread Fortress
Last Post 22 July, 2017 11:12 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Keiji Suoh Dr. Rhylance
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Small error. Rationale: Small error.
Story - 40%
Keiji Suoh Dr. Rhylance
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: Basic story. There was not anything wrong with it, and I wish you'd had more time to flush out the battle, the scenes, and the interaction between the two characters. This was very cookie cutter and anticlimactic, and I could have guessed how it ended from the beginning. Rationale: Straight forward story. Very anti-climatic, and nothing really stood out to me in either a good or bad way.
Realism - 25%
Keiji Suoh Dr. Rhylance
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues I found. Rationale: No issues I saw.
Continuity - 20%
Keiji Suoh Dr. Rhylance
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues I saw. Rationale: No issues i saw.
Keiji Suoh's Score: 3.65 Dr. Rhylance's Score: 4.05
Posts

Oricon Dread Fortress

The greatest structure still standing on the volcanic moon of [Oricon], the ruined fortress that once served as the headquarters of the [Dread Masters], remains as a beacon of darkness. Impenetrable at its heart, the fortress is surrounded by a lava moat with a single bridge for access with walls two stories high and crafted of the hardest permacrete. Its walkways and open courtyards are decorated with eternally-burning braziers, hanging and broken chains, and even plaques and murals depicting acts of tyranny and strength. Statues, obelisks and pillars show signs of aging, crumbling, cracked and ruined, though their fearsome, ancient Sith visages still stand as a testament to the Dark Side and the imposing power that the masters of the fortress willed upon their visitors.

Down into the central palace and through one of the two sets of staircases lays the ruins of the atrium. It has long been looted for all of its artifacts and knowledge, left bare by the raiding and marauding of treasure hunters and researchers. Four side-chambers lead down, two to the left and right, deeper—these rooms, all abandoned, hold obelisks fused into the very stonework of the floor. Ancient Sith wisdom is etched into each one—messages of fear, of control, of domination and madness alike.

Oricon Dread Fortress

At the very rear of the palace is a large, tall stairway, leading up into what can only be considered the throne room of the wicked Council. A seven-sided platform sits atop a bottomless pit, with the walkway from the doorway taking up one side flanked by six green crystals. The remaining six edges are dedicated to walkways ending in a dais, resting upon which are the tall thrones topped with crystal where the ancient Masters of Dread once sat.

Rhylance fixed his jacket collar and readjusted his glasses as he stepped onto the bridge that lead to the abandoned fortress. Although the artifacts were no longer here, the area was still an excellent place to study. Who knows what is able to be learned from here, the Chiss thought as he approached the gate. The massive structure was already opened which caused a hint of curiosity to bleed into Rhylance. Is someone already here or is this merely how it was left open? the Commander thought as he passed through. The courtyard was devoid of life due to the hostile nature of the moon. Only statues littered the courtyard as he strolled down it. A hot wind blew in, ruffling his jacket.

Keiji looked about the hallways of the inner workings of the castle. Although he was forced to memorize the information given to him, his memory was starting to slip. If I came in through there, then this should be… no that wasn’t on the blueprints. Damn it I’m… are those footfalls? Keiji questioned to himself. Though very faint and distant, Keiji heard them. Immediately Keiji rushed off to find the source of them.

The Chiss assumed no one else was in the building. As he walked the halls he took time to admire the tapistry and pictures that hung from the wall. This dark place fascinated Rhylance to end. The Commander then stopped at the corner of the current hallway he was in. The sound of boots clanking on the stone flooring caught his ears. As he stepped from behind the corner, Rhylance saw a massive black armored figure with horns protruding out of the helmet. A togruta? Interesting development, the Chiss thought before he called out to it.

“And what might you be doing here?” Rhylance asked as he watched the figure turn to face him.

“Merely confirming a suspicion,” Keiji retorted placing a hand on his gun, “What brings you here?”

“Knowledge. Study. Things of interest to me,” Rhylance replied with a dry bitterness. Before he could continue, the figure before him had unholstered it’s gun and was about to fire. The chiss ducked for cover behind the corner again. He watched as part of the stone wall exploded into fragments due to the amount of force behind the gun.

People who come here to study probably aren’t the type to do good, Keiji thought to himself as he drew the other slugthrower. He slowly started to approach where the blue skinned man had ducked behind cover.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 11 August, 2017 2:06 AM UTC

Immediately Keiji rushed off to find the source of them.

comma after immediately

The chiss

capitalize the species. You did it in the paragraph before.

Rhylance hurried down the hallway, doing his best to put distance between himself and the Togruta. He knew that a quarrel in a narrow hallway would leave him at a dangerous disadvantage. The Chiss had not anticipated encountering threats of this caliber on this desolate moon.

“Rian will have much to explain when I return to the fleet,” Rhylance told himself as he rounded another corner into a larger room lined with stone pillars. While some of the pillars were still standing, the rest had toppled over after many years of neglect.

The Taldryan Intelligence Directorate agent he had sent ahead to scout the area had assured him he would not find any trouble. The medic’s thoughts went red with rage. That damn Taldrya and his worthless spies!

The Taldryan Consul took out his Synergy WLD-5 Peacekeeper and hid behind one of the still standing stone structures. He felt slightly winded after his quick escape, so he took a moment to collect himself and catch his breath.

The sound of footfalls echoed within the hallway. Rhylance stilled at the sound and prepared to defend himself. He listened as the footsteps drew nearer.

...

Keiji paused as he entered the apparently empty room; "Night", his bayoneted slugthrower in his hand. Through the visor of his helmet a barrage of pigments assaulted his sight. He scanned over the room, seeing various blues and greens signalling that there were no heat signatures in the cold, desolate fortress. He deactivated the thermal viewing setting of his helmet, and examined the pillar lined room.

The mercenary saw one other exit on the opposite side of the room, and many places the Chiss could hide. He closed his eyes, using his montrals to detect any movement; he could feel none.

Odan Urr had hired the Privateer to find anything of value they could use in the upcoming war against the Grand Master. But before he could do his job, he had to make sure the ruins were free of threats. The Togruta reactivated his thermal visor and scanned over the room again.

Making his final sweep he stopped as a slight line of orange and red came into focus within the sea of cool colors. With his left hand Keiji pulled out his pulse scanner to confirm the location of his quarry. The device signaled positive; his adversary was hiding behind a pillar.

Keiji raised his weapon, aiming it at the pillar, and fired several blasts. Chunks of rock and stone showered over the room as the slugs collided with the pillar.

The slugs erupted against the pillar causing small stones to fall atop Rhylance's head and shoulders. Luckily they were not large enough to injure him, though they did dirty his pristine military jacket. The Chiss revealed himself, since his position had clearly been discovered, and began firing his blaster. Red energy bolts flew towards his attacker, forcing the Togruta to move before being hit. Rhylance took advantage the distraction, and sprinted toward the exit.

Anticipating the medics actions, Keiji moved to intercept the Chiss. He placed “Night” in its holster and drew his katana from its sheath. Rhylance barely had time to stop in his tracks before the long thin blade cleaved through the air in front of him. The Consul was not ready for a physical assault from the clearly seasoned warrior.

“How about we hold off on the killing for a moment,” Rhylance said hoping to talk the Togruta down. “I am far more valuable alive than I am dead.”

“Perhaps you are. But for my benefactors safety, I can’t let you leave this place alive.”

“Benefactors? So you’re here working for someone else?” Rhylance thought that this could be useful information. Hopefully useful enough to keep him alive.

“The time for talking is over,” Keiji raised the blade over his head, preparing to strike down the Chiss.

“You would kill the Consul of one of the Dark Brotherhoods Clans? Foolish,” the medic admonished as he backed away raising his hands in a non threatening manner.

“For Odan Urr, anything.”

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 11 August, 2017 2:21 AM UTC

Keiji paused as he entered the apparently empty room; "Night", his bayoneted slugthrower in his hand.

Second clause is incomplete, so bad semicolon.

Keiji moved in to strike. His blade came down in a massive slashing manor down at the blue skinned figure in front of him. Rhylance drew one of his knives and blocked the strike, as best he could. The force behind the strike was far stronger than first expected and the Chiss quickly threw the caught blade off his own and side stepped.

Rhylance saw an opening and quickly went for it. The knife he had drawn quickly plunged into Keiji’s side. The commander hopped back to get out of reach of the katanas striking range. He stared in anticipation as the poison flooded Keiji’s veins. Any second now, Rhylance thought as the Togruta turned to face him. Fear started to rise in the back of the Field medic’s head.

“You know poison would work on most people, sadly not on me,” Keiji started as he held his blade at the ready, “And sadly for you, you won’t get another chance to strike me.” The Privateer merely watched as the Chiss pulled out another knife. Rhylance decided to test the waters and threw another strike at the Togruta. The clash of metal striking metal rang in the room. The sword blocked the small blade as it approached him. A powerful kick to the chest caused the Chiss to stumble backwards. Keiji brought himself back to a defensive position. Although he could attack, the pain of the knife in his side was still there.

The test didn’t last long as Rhylance quickly learned this soldier was far more skilled in the bladed arts than he himself was. A small trickle of fear started to fill his head, but he quickly threw it out of his mind. Keiji took the small chance of little press to make his own attack. Keiji brought down his blade as hard as he could on the scalpel hand. The blade knocked out of his hand and then the sword rammed through Rhylance’s chest. Life escaped the Chiss as the katana was pulled out.

“Anything for my clan,” Keiji almost spit as he sheathed his blade.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 11 August, 2017 2:26 AM UTC

Short but clean post.

Rhylance’s eyes widened after hearing Odan Urr’s name. He considered all the trouble Odan-Urr had gone through to save Taldryan from certain destruction at Karufr, and the alliance their two clans now shared. This mercenary had just violated their non-hostility agreement. The Chiss knew he could spin this to his advantage.

“And how do you think Turel will feel about this encounter?” he asked with a slight smirk.

“Lord Chancellor has more to worry about than the removal of a potential threat. War is coming.”

“He may dislike it when he discovers that the Consul you killed was the Consul of Clan Taldryan,” Rhylance said, closing his eyes and waving his hand to the side nonchalantly. “But then again, perhaps you are not privy to sensitive information. I mean, you did attack me unprovoked. I’m not sure your ’Lord Chancellor’ will be too thrilled about that.”

Keiji froze at Rhylance's words. He looked over his enemy and noticed the insignia that lay upon the Chiss’ left pectoral. It was the red, blue and purple icon of Taldryan. The way the Chiss held himself gave off an authoritative luster. If it was true and the medic was the Consul, Turel would be quite angry indeed.

“Let’s say I believe you, then what?” Keiji asked the supposed Consul.

“We both go about our business, and when we’ve finished, we go have a conversation with Turel. Our alliance must be fully insured,” the medic answered. He placed his blaster back in its holster, his red eyes never breaking away from his opponent’s visor. The key here, Rhylance knew, was to be calm and show no signs of faltering or malicious intent. He needed to be ”honest”.

Keiji scanned the Consul’s face, looking for heightened emotions or signs of dishonesty. He found nothing. Slowly he re-sheathed his katana. He made a note to keep tabs on the Chiss, but at the moment he needed to finish scouring the ruins. Truthfully the Privateer thought his time, efforts, and abilities were being wasted on a mission like this. The sooner he finished here, the sooner he could be assigned a mission that mattered.

Rhylance watched as the Togruta turned and began to walk away. The mercenary was smart for agreeing with him. But he was also incredibly stupid. The Chiss was never one to forget the slights committed against him. He hadn’t let his own mother get away with her vile acts, and he would not make an exception for the Odanite.

Pulling out his blaster, the medic switched it to its stun setting and activated the silencer. He raised the firearm and pulled the trigger. Blue rings of energy silently cascaded forward and collided with Keiji’s back. Upon impact, the Togruta fell forward.

Rhylance sauntered forward to his downed opponent and knelt beside him. He pulled out a scalpel and placed it on the ground next to Keiji. The Chiss began working at removing the armor, starting with the sealed helmet. Once removed, the medic took in the peaceful sleeping visage of the Privateer.

He picked up the scalpel and made shallow cuts in the neck to begin the delivery of his paralysis poison. As he moderated the effects, Rhylance realized that the Togruta had little reaction. Obviously trained to ward itself against poisons, Keiji’s body was fighting back. With a sigh, the Chiss grabbed the blaster again and fired a few more rounds of stun energy into the downed mercenary.

. . .

“I’m going to keep you alive,” Rhylance said as he worked around Keiji’s body. Hours had passed since the initial encounter. As he waited for his transport to arrive, the medic passed the time by studying the fortress. “I have plans for you and Odan-Urr. But to start with them, I need Turel to believe that I’m truly working with him, stupid Jedi. The return of your recklessly damaged body that I saved from the fortress should do it.”

While Rhylance studied the Dread Fortress. the nearby body of Keiji began to stir. The Togruta felt the effects of his forced nap and shook his head. As he grunted and tried to stand back up, another series of blue rings hit him and he dropped again.

“Stay down and sleep a while. We’re not done yet.” The Consul said with a wicked grin, his eyes sparkling behind his spectacles.