Competition: Explain a DB plot badly

Finished

Explain a DB plot badly

The Dark Brotherhood has a rich literary history spanning over a decade, but let's be honest with ourselves no one has time to read all that.

There has been a recent trend on Twitter where people #explainafilmplotbadly. Summarize one of the following major DB events in a single sentence in the style of the #explainafilmplotbadly hashtag. Summaries must be one sentence and should separately indicate which event is being summarized. #explainaDBplotbadly

Entries will be evaluated based on comedy, creativity and adherence to DB lore.

Competition Information

Organized by: Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Running time: 2016-10-30 until 2016-11-06 (8 days)
Target Unit: Entire DJB
Competition Type: Other
Awards: Third Level Crescents
Participants: 16 subscribers, of which 14 have participated.

Results

1st place

Moff Alethia Archenksova

Member

Moff Alethia Archenksova

Textual submission

Seven friends reenact the American Revolution with internet trolls.

#ExplainTheExodusBadly

Placement

1st place

2nd place

A deleted dossier

Member

A deleted dossier

Textual submission

Everyone conned into believing there was a real threat. #explainaDBplotbadly

(GJW XI)

Placement

2nd place

3rd place

Battlelord Mateus Kelborn

Member

Battlelord Mateus Kelborn

Textual submission

Dark Crusade:

the quest for a global reset

Placement

3rd place

Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade

Member: Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade
Submission: Grand Inquisitor Morax Darkblade opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement: No placement

Colonel Len Iode

Member: Colonel Len Iode
Submission: Colonel Len Iode opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement: No placement

Aul Celsus

Member: Aul Celsus
Textual submission: #Undesireables: Yet another racist guy in a white robe chasing people.
Placement: No placement

Howlader Taldrya

Member: Howlader Taldrya
Textual submission: The Exodus: Everything got blowed up because of an Australian jackass and a geologist from Jersey.
Placement: No placement

Master Bentre Stahoes

Member: Master Bentre Stahoes
Submission: Master Bentre Stahoes opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement: No placement

Edgar Drachen

Member: Edgar Drachen
Submission: Edgar Drachen opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement: No placement

Remurr Hijaa

Member: Remurr Hijaa
Submission: Remurr Hijaa opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement: No placement

Padawan Tisto Kingang

Member: Padawan Tisto Kingang
Textual submission: This entire undesirables thing could have been avoided if the Grandmaster ever read how to Make Friends and influence People. #explainaDBplotbadly
Placement: No placement