Adept Braecen Kaeth vs. Lieutenant Colonel Celevon Edraven Erinos

Adept Braecen Kaeth

Elder 1, Elder tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Sith, Juggernaut, Krath
vs.

Lieutenant Colonel Celevon Edraven Erinos

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Loyalist, Weapons Specialist
Comment

A pretty straight forward match. Braecen really did try and set the stage for a larger narrative, which I appreciate. The narrative he wove was the more engrossing, but ultimately still feel into line with a very cookie-cutter story for the venue and circumstance. As I mentioned on the scorecard, I didn't feel like some of the things established in the intros held up in the "reveal" moment of the final post. Celevon demonstrated his experience with the CS's and the ACC, and while he made no real errors, the story was simple and didn't offer much in the way of excitement. While Brae gets the edge with story, the technical issues held him back and prevent this fight from being closer than it probably could have been. I'd highly recommend getting a proofer to read your posts, or at the very least read them out loud to yourself. Your ear will probably catch a bunch of these errors and help your technical writing keep up with your ability to paint a scene and tell a cool story.

In the end, the match goes to Celevon.

-W

Hall Sins of the Past -Episode II [Clan Arcona]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [Sins of the Past] [Episode II] ACC Race
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Adept Braecen Kaeth, Lieutenant Colonel Celevon Edraven Erinos
Winner Lieutenant Colonel Celevon Edraven Erinos
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Adept Braecen Kaeth's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Lieutenant Colonel Celevon Edraven Erinos's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shili: Savannah
Last Post 18 July, 2016 5:36 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Braecen Kaeth Captain Aryn "Jade" Erinos-Magnuri
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Repeated, consistent errors in syntax that could easily be fixed with a self-proof reading or another set of eyes. Rationale: One or two small things I found.
Story - 40%
Braecen Kaeth Captain Aryn "Jade" Erinos-Magnuri
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: You did a lot to try and make the story interesting. You wrote in a reason for the fight, and played much more on the "why" they were there in your set up. What threw me off here was that you mentioned that he's looking for Celevon and then mention he's looking for a Grand Inq...and then in the end you have Brae surprised to find out Celevon is a Grand Inq. The ending would have worked really well, but because of how you set it up, it didn't carry the same pay off. Rationale: Typical story. Cookie-cutter, simple, and nothing really exciting or engaging for the reader, but nothing detracting beyond the linear progression. You also used some confusing wording when describing drawing/checking your weapons, but then having him draw his pistol...
Realism - 25%
Braecen Kaeth Captain Aryn "Jade" Erinos-Magnuri
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: Most prominently was having Celevon use a Sniper Rifle not on the Match details. Then you have the way that Sense is used in the opening and the mentioning of the Steel Curtain feat. Rationale: No issues seen.
Continuity - 20%
Braecen Kaeth Captain Aryn "Jade" Erinos-Magnuri
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues I found. Rationale: No issues I found.
Braecen Kaeth's Score: 3.8 Captain Aryn "Jade" Erinos-Magnuri's Score: 4.05
Posts

Savannah

When you are traversing the wild and untouched landscapes of the savannah, just remind yourself that you are never the apex predator. The vast and desolate area of sand, rocks, dead and ancient trees are all the same blood-orange color for a simple reason: to hide your worst nightmare from your sight, the Akul. A large, bipedal and orange furred mammal, the Akul are the top predators that hunt all sorts of bovine, dog, hooved and giant mammals. Using their extraordinary sense of smell, they can trace your scent from days long past and track you down without mercy.

Savannah

Throughout the Savannah, tall and wispy Turu-grass stretches out into long ranging fields. Watering holes are sparse and spread thin, and the terrain offers little safety from the blazing sun that hangs overhead. When the sun retreats and gives way to moonlight, the Savannah becomes almost chill, but the night is dark and full of wild creatures. In the Savannah, it’s hunt or be hunted.

The sun stood like a sentinel high above the plains – watching all below. It’s yellow-white, oppressive embrace stretching across the savannah enfolding it like a blanket. The fields were awash in color – crimson, orange, and amber – and the sky streaked with white, billowy clouds tinged in color refracted from the sun. A breeze tickled the meter high Turu-grass causing it to show both its blood-red and pearly-white sides. It was almost serene.

“I could almost like this place,” Braecen began, “if not for this damnable heat.” The Elder, unwilling to adapt to the climate, remained robed in his black-grey robes. The stitching was ordinary, but done with painstaking precision by the tailors on Selen. Beneath his robes he wore a loose fitting tunic trimmed in red and a sash tied about his waist. Tucked within were a pair of matching lightsabers – a combination of ebony and copper wrapped about a cylindrical tube that housed his white adegan crystals. Besides the Dark Side of the Force, they were the only weapons he carried now.

His icy, blue eyes scanned the horizon for his target. A cloud parted and the sun seared his vision until he could raise his left hand to his sweaty brow and block out the radiant light. Somewhere nearby his target – a Grand Inquisitor – lurked. Faintly, he could feel the man’s presence, but his mind resisted the Elder like a steel curtain raised against intrusion. Desperate to be rid of the heat, he narrowed his sphere of influence and projected it outward in a cone. While it robbed him of his three hundred and sixty degrees of perspective, he could reach outward in longer distances to find Celevon Edraven Erinos.

The Dajorra Intelligence Agency had provided the coordinates to the Lieutenant Colonel upon request from the Commanding Officer of the Darkest Night. Braecen had dispatched immediately aboard one of the capital ship’s shuttles to retrieve the Inquisitor. The Shadow Lady had requested for her highest ranking Loyalists to attend a strategy session for the growing Resistance movement she was mounting against Darth Pravus. Terran had been dispatched to find Nikola Valtiere Erinos. Braecen had been sent for the other Erinos. “I spend most of my days tracking down members of the Erinos family,” he laughed to himself.

Braecen continued to scan the horizon – stretching his perimeter further and further – until he found himself angled towards an outcropping of trees and rocks in the distance. Aha, he thought, I found you. His misery gave way to triumph and a tell-tale Corellian smirk began to blossom on his face. So engrossed in his task, the Sith Adept had not noticed the Turu-grass moving counter to the wind. Slowly, deliberately, a large animal had worked its way in close to the Quaestor of House Galeres. Its padded paws making no noise as it inched closer and closer toward its prey. Camouflaged in the burnt orange landscape, the Akul blended in against the backdrop and began to tense in preparation of a single leap that would take him to his next meal.

The Elder’s grin faded as his mind began to scream in warning. From the direction of the Lieutenant Colonel he sensed malicious intent. Braecen’s hands fell to his sash and withdrew one of his twin blades. His pale, white fingers securing the blade as pressed the activation button. Snap-hiss! The molten white blade sprung to life and burned brightly against the sun overhead. The Dark Side of the Force filled him with power and perspective as he honed in on the bullet roaring towards him. Shifting his feet, he began to line up his defenses. The trajectory of the shot, though, was off. Odd, the Sith thought as the bullet flew over his shoulder and found its mark.

The bullet exploded into the lunging bulk of the nearby Akul. An explosion of blood and tissue gushed from the hole left by Celevon’s sniper rifle – lost in the colors of the plains. Momentum carried the beast the remainder of the distance as it collided with the Elder. Despite his control of the Force, Braecen had not been prepared for the events that unfolded. His frame was tangled with the mass of the dead Akul and the pair crashed to the ground. The Sith came to a rest at the bottom of the pile. Very odd, he thought.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 20 July, 2016 9:42 PM UTC

It’s yellow-white, oppressive embrace stretching across the savannah enfolding it like a blanket.

stretched across the savannah, enfolding it like a...

or

stretched across the savannah and enfolded it like a...

Faintly, he could feel the man’s presence, but his mind resisted the Elder like a steel curtain raised against intrusion.

You're attempting to show off the Steel Curtain feat, or allude to it. That's not really how it works...it's pretty specific with being geared towards interrogation, not general probing.

Desperate to be rid of the heat, he narrowed his sphere of influence and projected it outward in a cone. While it robbed him of his three hundred and sixty degrees of perspective, he could reach outward in longer distances to find Celevon Edraven Erinos.

This isn't really how Sense works, so to speak. Per the wiki: Sense is the ability to open one's mind to the omniscient awareness of the Force and to use it to detect the presence, feelings, emotions, and intentions of other beings. At +2, the Jedi can more easily connect with the Force to detect the proximity, presence, feelings, and emotions of sentient beings around them.

So, I get that you're trying to find Celevon through the Force, but other than "there is a signature over in that direction (north east) and not too far away," it's not really something you can home in on. Minor detractor when paired with how you described probing for Celevon in the previous comment.

Aha, he thought, I found you.

This is Brae's internal thoughts, so it should be italicized.

Its padded paws making no noise as it inched closer and closer toward its prey.

Puppy!!

His pale, white fingers securing the blade as pressed the activation button.

His pale white fingers secured*

hole left by Celevon’s sniper rifle

Always go based on the weapons in the Match Details, not the character sheet.

The Onderonian lifted his head from the scope of his rifle as he set the weapon aside on a thick branch, smoke still rising from the end of the barrel. Twenty-four hours prior, the Dajorra Intelligence Agency had tasked Celevon with investigating rumored sightings of Inquisitorius Agents in the system. The only thing he had found was the remains of several rotting corpses, which looked as though they had been ripped to shreds and abandoned weeks before. After encountering the first Akul and the blistering heat of the day, the Assassin had quickly set out to find a defensive position out of the sun.

‘No point in toting that extra weight, especially considering that was my last slug for that rifle.’ With that thought in mind, the Onderonian dropped from the limbs and left the shaded area, making his way towards the Elder. As he walked at a brisk pace, Celevon checked the much smaller amount of weapons compared to those he usually carried. After pulling his kerambit slightly from his belt, then the green-hued blade of his Sith Dagger from a sheath on the left side of his lower back, the Assassin ran a thumb over the row of throwing blades along the opposite side. In the distance, Celevon could see the Galerian pushing the weight of the animal off of him and making his way to his feet.

The Onderonian drew the Reynolds DE-21 Slugthrower pistol from the holster attached to his right thigh, keeping his silver eyes peeled for any more dangerous fauna in the area. Though the Akul were the most dangerous predators in the area, Celevon had seen signs of serpents and, during the night, large scorpions and spiders. The arachnids were roughly a foot in length across - and that did not account for the legs!

As soon as he reached hearing range, the Quaestor spoke up. “How did you spot it? I would have had trouble with how well it’s fur blends in with the grass.”

Celevon stared at the older male for a moment before he shrugged. “I’m colorblind. The camouflage doesn’t work on me, which makes me a better hunter because I’ve learned to compensate by focusing on details. Plus, it was moving against the wind.” Spotting Kaeth about to return the lightsaber to his belt, the Onderonian stopped him. “Don’t put your weapon away. There are many more where that came from. Besides, I need you to cover me.”

The Quaestor of House Galeres raised an eyebrow as the Assassin knelt by the corpse of the beast and drew a knife. “What are you doing now?”

“Their teeth can be used to make jewelry or parts for weapons. I figure they will make a decent gift at some point in the future,” Celevon replied absently as he used one of the Kunai to pry out the teeth from the powerful jaws, slipping them into a pouch on his belt. Once that was done and the throwing blade returned to the sheath, the Onderonian stood and began to question why the Dark Jedi was there. Once he heard that the Shadow Lady had requested all of the Loyalists, they began walking towards the shuttle whilst Celevon explained about the other creatures he had encountered.

In their distracted state, the Arconans were mostly unaware of the fact that the remainder of the pack of Akul were closing in upon them. The Adept frowned, cutting himself off in the midst of a disturbed comment about the size of local arachnids.

“Something wrong?” Celevon asked, turning slightly towards the Galerian.

“I have a sudden, overwhelmingly bad feeli-” The Elder pivoted in place as his white blade sprang to life in time to slice through one of the beasts as it attempted to pounce on him. Another of similar size pounced on the Loyalist. As the Onderonian’s back impacted the ground and the breath driven out of his lungs, the slugthrower flying from his grasp.

The Assassin shoved the prosthetic arm in the mouth of the beast, keeping the jaws and razor-sharp teeth from his throat as he fumbled for his dagger. The growls of the Akul, jaws tightening around the metal and fiberglass forearm, nearly drowned out the sound of a lightsaber nearby.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 20 July, 2016 10:01 PM UTC

As he walked at a brisk pace, Celevon checked the much smaller amount of weapons compared to those he usually carried. After pulling his kerambit slightly from his belt, then the green-hued blade of his Sith Dagger from a sheath on the left side of his lower back, the Assassin ran a thumb over the row of throwing blades along the opposite side. In the distance, Celevon could see the Galerian pushing the weight of the animal off of him and making his way to his feet.

The Onderonian drew the Reynolds DE-21 Slugthrower pistol from the holster attached to his right thigh, keeping his silver eyes peeled for any more dangerous fauna in the area.

Kinda not sure what you're doing here. You have him "draw out" both his knives, but then you have him draw his pistol?

The arachnids were roughly a foot in length across - and that did not account for the legs!

You did that on purpose. Burn theeem.

As the Onderonian’s back impacted the ground and the breath driven out of his lungs, the slugthrower flying from his grasp.

the breath was driven / flew from his grasp*

Braecen plunged his blade deep into the animal’s torso. He turned to witness his friend – and ally – underneath another of the large beasts, wrestling for his life. The Elder paused for a moment too long. His paralysis in making a decision costing both of them valuable time as the pack descended upon their location. A smaller Akul charged the Sith while the Loyalist remained pinned under his lethal foe. A third and fourth emerged from the brush – drawn to the scent of blood covering the Sith Adept from his first eventful encounter with the large beasts.

The Sith spun his blades – vzzm, vzzzm – as he mentally psyched himself up for the forthcoming encounter. He could sense the lifeforms surrounding them, but he could not fully devote himself to the task to determine their exact amount. ‘Must be the runt of the litter,’ he thought to himself, as the beast charged him. Braecen set his feet and unleashed a furious salvo as the creature launched itself at him. This time he was not unprepared and he side stepped the falling, dead husk of the beast he had been directly in the path of.

Celevon was now on his feet. A curiosity – a Sith Dagger – stuck in the throat of the beast that had assaulted him. Braecen was not sure how it had happened, but he was relieved to see his friend safely away from the beast’s maw. Several deep scratches and cuts marred his body, but he felt stable through the Force. The moment of joy was short lived, though, as the remaining beasts charged the Loyalist. Unable to close the distance, Braecen discarded his twin blades and opened himself to the Dark Side of the Force.

Like molten iron, it burned through his veins and fortified him. An avalanche of power that set his nerves aflame and sickened him to his core, the Dark Side consumed him. A tempest of malevolent power, it swirled about his form ready to do his bidding, but stealing his life force in equal measures. He grimaced at the gravity of the power he wielded and its terrible cost. It was a revelation he felt every time he allowed himself to touch the Force. It was over in a heartbeat, but the pain echoed in his mind for a lifetime.

Working quickly, he shaped a barrier in his mind and used both hands to harness the Dark Side. His finger sprawled and his hands raised before him, he created a barrier between the Akul and the Lieutenant Colonel. As the beast’s momentum crashed into the hasty barrier it shattered under the duress. But it repelled the forward kinetic energy for a single moment; time enough for Celevon to react. His hand darted to a sleeve of Kunai knives at his disposal. Without the Force slowing down the motion, Braecen never would have seen that all three had been launched in quick succession before the first found its mark.

The blades sunk deep into the animal’s neck, felling the first one. The second had regathered its feet beneath it and launched itself like a rocket. The Loyalist reacted by reaching for his Kerambit and squaring his feet for the incoming assault. Celevon’s eyes narrowed in determination as his foe loomed closer.

Blue-white lightning intercepted the beast in flight. It came within such close proximity of the Loyalist that he could feel as the heat raced by and the hairs on his arm raised. The Force Lightning continued to arc from the hands of the Elder as he poured his malice into the attack. A strange fire burned behind the eyes of the Sith as he reveled in the power he unleashed. Braecen turned his attention from one beast to another as they poured into the arena. His power never waived as he consumed multiple foe’s in the storm that raged about him – chaining lightning outward from himself and the targets that presented themselves before him.

It had begun and ended so quickly that Celevon had not initially noticed when the area was no longer awash in lightning. He relaxed his grip on the weapon in his hands, but not entirely so. His eyes darting back and forth as he searched for another imminent attack. When only the dry breeze and the harsh sun remained, he finally exhaled, the tension leaving his muscles. Carefully, he put his weapon away and moved towards his first melee kill. He grasped the Sith Dagger and tugged ferociously, ripping the blade’s teeth from the animal’s neck. A perplexed look crossed his ally’s face. Braecen opened his mouth to speak, but thought better of his careless question, and closed his mouth.

“Never seen you speechless,” Celevon mocked, “I wish I had a holo-recorder for the moment.” He cleaned the blood from the blade by wiping it against the animal’s hide before rubbing the harsh sand of the terrain over it. When it was adequately cleaned, he stowed the weapon on his person and turned his attention to the Sith whom still regarded him as something of a curiosity. “Out with it, Braecen,” he urged, “we need to move before another pack decides we are an easy meal.”

The Elder nodded in agreement. His rose his arms in invitation for the Loyalist to lead the way towards the shuttle. It was several more minutes before he had carefully chosen his words, “That blade…”, he trailed off, “is that the weapon of a Grand Master’s Inquisitor?”

“I could tell you, but I would have to kill you,” Celevon grinned. His wit, like his reflexes, were exceptional. Even in the presence of an Arconan Elder, he was not intimidated nor awed. He softened his tone, sensing his ally was receptive to the conversation, “I would hope that its presence might go undocumented when you debrief from this excursion.”

Braecen nodded in understanding. “I will not betray your loyalty to the Grand Master and the Iron Throne.” The Sith looked smug. As if he had solved a riddle of exceptional difficulty that no other could.

What Braecen had not noticed, though, was the subtle shudder down Celevon’s spine. He had no desire to declare his allegiance in the grand battle unfolding between Darth Pravus and Arcona, but he had not missed that one of the Clan’s Elders had declared for the Grand Master over Clan Arcona. If Atyiru was allowing him to be part of her war council, she was inviting an Akul of her own into their midst.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 20 July, 2016 10:51 PM UTC

His paralysis in making a decision costing both of them valuable time as the pack descended upon their location.

costed both*

His finger sprawled and his hands raised before him, he created a barrier between the Akul and the Lieutenant Colonel. As the beast’s momentum crashed into the hasty barrier it shattered under the duress.

You use barrier three times in two sentences. Consider alternating vocabulary choices. Also, other than the grammar beat, I love this description of the Static Barrier feat.

His eyes darting back and forth as he searched for another imminent attack.

His eyes darted. You do this very consistently, and it's a really simple fix you could probably catch by reading the sentence out loud to yourself. Your ear will catch what your eyes might miss.

His rose his arms in invitation for the Loyalist to lead the way towards the shuttle.

You know what you did.

As Celevon shifted his body to grasp the hilt of his dagger, the Akul pulled back from the prosthetic, head shooting forward with jaws wide open.

Moments before the teeth would have ended the life of the Onderonian, a stream of blue-white energy struck the beast, sending it off of Celevon with a loud yelp. The Assassin screamed as some of the residual energy struck him before dispersing into the ground beneath him.

Braecen grabbed the younger male by the prosthetic replacement and yanked him to his feet, pressing one of his hilts into Celevon’s hand. Giving him no time to recover, the Quaestor spun in place, keeping an eye out on the opposite side. “Your gun is over by one of them. We’ve been surrounded by the remaining pack, which is now down to nine. I trust I don’t need to remind you how to use that?”

Still twitching from the Force Lightning, Celevon glanced down at the weapon that had been thrust into his grasp and flicked his thumb over the activation switch, igniting the pure white blade of plasma as he moved several paces away. Without the Force as his ally, it wouldn’t be smart to be too close to the other Arconan, especially with such a weapon in his hands. “It’s been a few years, but I like to think I can manage.”

“No time like the present to find out. Here they come!”

The Assassin spun the hilt in his hand, getting a feel for the weapon - it was easy to slip into the mindset that he was holding a sword. Catching sight of movement out of the edge of his vision, Celevon spun the blade in a wide arc as he moved his body further away from that of the Elder, slashing through fur, muscle and bone with ease. The Akul that had pounced on him took a moment before it tumbled to the ground, head and body tumbling in two different directions.

Braecen Kaeth gave a smirk as he sensed the former Quaestor of Galeres’ sister House move away from him, crystalline blue eyes focused on the rapidly approaching pack of beasts. A quick flick of his eyes to the side told him that the Onderonian had already engaged his part, holding the lightsaber in his right hand, crouched as his left flicked, flinging the thrown blades with deadly accuracy.

A well of Dark Side energy rose within the Elder as he lifted his free hand towards the closest of the beasts, hatred given form leaping from the tips of his fingers in a stream of blue-white, crackling energy. As it struck his target, the lightning leaping from Akul to Akul, Kaeth rushed toward them, white blade flicking out to quickly snuff out the threats as the Force flowed through his body, granting him preternatural speed. As Braecen carved a swath through the side of one of the beasts, the acrid smell of burnt fur reaching his nostrils, the underlying smell - ‘Why does this remind me of a good barbecue?’

Whilst the Dark Adept angrily pushed aside the thought of the burning flesh reminding him of food, the Grand Inquisitor drew his Sith Dagger with his left and swiftly maneuvered to deal with the creatures. The first received the green-hued dagger beneath it’s jaw, the upward force of the blade sending it into the creature’s brain. As the body fell, the weapon embedded in it, Celevon moved with the grace of a seasoned fighter. The second leapt at him, only for it to be neatly bisected with a powerful slash. The third, moving more gingerly than it’s fellows, growled a warning at the Assassin.

Smelling the possibility of a good meal, the creature pushed past the pain of a blade in it’s thigh and rushed to meet it’s prey. A glimmer of metal shone in the sunlight, flying through the air before the beast roared it’s pain as the blade came to rest in it’s eye.

Celevon rolled to the side after letting the Kunai fly, hearing the Akul tumble to a landing, whimpering. A slash through the predator’s neck put it out of it’s misery before the Onderonian deactivated the borrowed lightsaber. He inspected the damage to his prosthetic arm as the Galerian Quaestor approached him.

“Going to start carrying a sword again?” Braecen smirked as he accepted the hilt, placing the weapon securely on his belt. He laughed as mercurial eyes glared at him before the Assassin abruptly turned and went to retrieve the gear he could salvage. “I’ll wait for you in the shuttle. Don’t take long, now. I want to get off of this humid planet as soon as physically possible.”

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 20 July, 2016 10:59 PM UTC

As it struck his target, the lightning leaping from Akul to Akul,

leaping twice twice

Whilst the Dark Adept angrily pushed aside the thought of the burning flesh reminding him of food, the Grand Inquisitor drew his Sith Dagger with his left and swiftly maneuvered to deal with the creatures.

It's not grammatically incorrect, but it teeters so close to it that as I was reading it felt off to me. You could word this better.