Warrior Rrogon Skar Agrona vs. Knight Zujenia

Warrior Rrogon Skar Agrona

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Kaleesh, Sith, Juggernaut, Obelisk
vs.

Knight Zujenia

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Force Disciple, Shadow
Comment

Excellent match by both of you, especially because I know that you were both at the ends of your ropes in this competition. You were tired, drained, but still managed to finish the fight. You not only got your posts in, but you made it interesting to read. I want you to know how proud I am of both of you. It is inspiring to see this level of tigerblood from younger members of Arcona.

Both of you had a lot of sloppy errors with your syntax. Zujenia, despite that, had better description of her combat sequences, and added a bit more emotion and drama into the fight behind the simple cadence of a training match.

Zujenia is the winner, but Skar, I want to be like you when I grow up. Thank you for reminding me what true Warrior spirit is, War Kaleesh <3.

-W

Hall Sins of the Past -Episode II [Clan Arcona]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [Sins of the Past] [Episode II] ACC Race
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warrior Rrogon Skar Agrona, Knight Zujenia
Winner Knight Zujenia
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warrior Rrogon Skar Agrona's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Zujenia's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shili: Savannah
Last Post 8 August, 2016 1:48 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: I know you were hard pressed to find proof readers, but there were a lot of errors here that made it very difficult to read. Rationale: Repeated and recurring errors that often stopped my flow of reading your writing.
Story - 40%
Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Cookie cutter story. You gave a reason for the fight, but I really didn't get a sense for how Skar really felt or why he was fighting or what the real point of the narrative was. Rationale: Lovely descriptions of the combat sequences. I like how you added emotion into the story and really drove and dug into reacting to how her weapon was sliced in half and what it meant to her. All around, great work.
Realism - 25%
Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: You write Zuji in the beginning as very bubbly. Zujenia's Aspects all speak to her being determined, focused, quiet, and reserved. This was a bit off-putting to me. Rationale: The not using Skar's Iron Skin feat in that situation was a bit off. It was the only real nitpicky thing I found, though, and I'm not taking a point off.
Continuity - 20%
Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues I found. Rationale: No issues I found.
Obelisk Adherent Rrogon Skar Agrona's Score: 3.65 Proconsul Diyrian "Diy" Grivna's Score: 4.3
Posts

Savannah

When you are traversing the wild and untouched landscapes of the savannah, just remind yourself that you are never the apex predator. The vast and desolate area of sand, rocks, dead and ancient trees are all the same blood-orange color for a simple reason: to hide your worst nightmare from your sight, the Akul. A large, bipedal and orange furred mammal, the Akul are the top predators that hunt all sorts of bovine, dog, hooved and giant mammals. Using their extraordinary sense of smell, they can trace your scent from days long past and track you down without mercy.

Savannah

Throughout the Savannah, tall and wispy Turu-grass stretches out into long ranging fields. Watering holes are sparse and spread thin, and the terrain offers little safety from the blazing sun that hangs overhead. When the sun retreats and gives way to moonlight, the Savannah becomes almost chill, but the night is dark and full of wild creatures. In the Savannah, it’s hunt or be hunted.

The sun was beginning to set on the long day that Rrogon had been dealing with, this mission to Shill while the clan was was dealing with the insurgent Teroch and his men was frustrating enough to the Kaleesh. But the fact that he had to spend it with the newly appointed sergeant of the battle team made it even worse.

The half Ryns outright positive personality was grating and having spent so much time with Atyiru lately while he was undergoing his treatments on Selen. There was only so much positivity the Kaleesh could take.

“Come on Skarbels we can make camp soon!” called Zujenia as she skipped forward through the tall grass towards a lone tree they had come across in their travels in the savannah. Skar welcomed the shade that the tree offered after hours of sweltering sun.

Coming up behind the woman, Skar put his hand on her shoulder and finally asked her the question that he had been wanting to know ever since they had set foot on this planet. “Did K’tana ever tell you what our mission was while we are here?”

“Yep she did,” spoke the Shadow as she slowed down to look up at the Juggernaut.

“So what is it then?” asked the Kaleesh, slowing down so as not to run into the shorter woman.

“K’tana thought it would be a good idea for me to get more combat experience, and decided you would be the best opponent for me.” A giggle escaped the woman lips as she continued skipping forward toward the tree

Rrogon’s eyes narrowed at the half Human before he thrust out his hand and lashed out with the Force, sending a telekinetic strike aimed right at the woman’s back.The superiorly nimble Shadow rolled out of the way and disappeared into the tall grass.

“Good, your senses are keener than they appear. They might be the only thing that keeps you alive today, Gatesteward.”

Unclipping the lightsaber from his belt, the Templar thumbed it to life and widened his stance. “While the clan is under attack from Teroch they sent me to train you, you realize this is a complete waste of time don't you?” asked that Kaleesh while this crimson eyes moved around the surrounding grass trying to spot Zujenia

There was no reply to this question as Skar stood his ground. A whisper from the force told him to duck and as he did so, Rrogon heard the crack of a rifle a second later as the Half Human materialized behind him as her Force cloak faded around her.

“Smart move, slugthrowers are a good choice when going up against Force users however..” Growled the Templar as he dove aside once more while another round whizzed past his head. Not wanting to take a bullet Rrogon charged forward, moving out of the way of any incoming bullets before he slashed upward with his golden blade and cut the Tusken cycler clean in half. With a sweep of his foot, he knocked the Half-Ryn onto her her rear end.

“They are only good at long range, Zujenia, if a Jedi can get close slugthrowers are worthless.”

Turning around the Kaleesh walked toward the tree once more, not even paying the slightest attention to the woman behind him

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 9 August, 2016 2:34 AM UTC

The sun was beginning to set on the long day that Rrogon had been dealing with, this mission to Shill while the clan was was dealing with the insurgent Teroch and his men was frustrating enough to the Kaleesh.

Run on sentence. You start off with a good visual beat, but try and simply break it up into smaller sentences. It might help, especially when you're writing under deadlines.

sergeant of the battle

Sergeant is a rank, so you capitalize it.

... strike aimed right at the woman’s back.The superiorly nimble ...

space needed between sentences.

A whisper from the force told him to duck and as he did so

always capitalize the Force

“Smart move, slugthrowers are a good choice when going up against Force users however..”

needs to be three dots for ellipses

Zujenia stared down at the still heated edges of what used to be her Slugthrower. Her throat tightened as an overwhelming flow of emotions washed over her; despair, anger, surprise. The Tuskan Cycler had been passed down to the Half-Ryn from her full-blooded mother, even now the memories of countless training exercises flashed through her mind and faded as fast as the cooling saber-burnt lines.

...A field of green, Mother’s white hair flowing in the breeze as she demonstrated a series of maneuvers— age eight. Fifteen years old— rolling across green grass before hopping up to block a knife slice from the veteran woman, their eyes locking— challenging and longing for Mother’s approval...

Absent mindedly, Zujenia thumbed the slash mark embedded among many others within the frame. The jagged edge caught against the skin of her thumb, drawing a small bead of blood— the sharp prick bringing her back to the present. Ashen eyebrows snapped together and the Knight rose to her feet, her dark amber eyes razing a hole into the Kaleesh’s back. Her once and rare bubbly display vanquished, leaving behind it a raging windstorm.

Worthless in close quarters? I’ll show you worthless.

Zujenia shifted her grips on the slugthrower’s remains; one now a makeshift club, the other a mini-spear. Her muscles flexed and she immersed herself within the Force, letting it sink into her tendons. Pushing off the ground, she lurched forward— the red grass whipping at her limbs as she traversed the short distance between her and Rrogon.

The red-green scaled man twisted around before her, his saber still in hand and thumb brushing against the activation button. The Half-Ryn had already dropped onto the ball of her right foot when the hiss of the lightsaber’s ignition alerted her, spinning low and arcing the butt end of the disassembled gun into Skar’s knee. A low grunt emitted from behind the black, bone-carved mask of the Kaleesh as he retaliated with a swing of his saber. Zujenia’s nerves screamed in warning from the Force, she dived backwards. His blade seared a long line through the flapping folds of the Knight’s vest, missing her flesh by mere centimeters.

Hands planted firmly onto the sun-baked ground, Zujenia flipped into an upright position. Her feet landed firmly and her left leg slid back a couple shoulder lengths, weight shifting deeply into the soles of her feet. The low, red light of the setting sun washed over the two opponents. Skar advanced after her, saber swinging in a wide powerful half-circle. With another forewarning of the Force, the Half-Ryn ducked to the side of his blow and thrusted out with the bayonet severed end. It sliced through the dark robes the Warrior wore, meeting only air when Rrogan reversed his hilt— bashing the butt of it into her exposed upper back.

Zujenia staggered past him, the air wrenched from her lungs and she sucked in the arid air, recovering. She uncoiled from her bent position, retreating several steps from the advancing Juggernaut — buying time to think, evaluate. The Kaleesh’s might was worrisome, another blow like that and she would be curled up on the ground or worse, missing a limb. She would need to be swift and focus on redirecting those blows rather than full on blocks. By the cold, passive look on Skar’s face, he wasn’t going to let up one her— not that she would wish other wise. A frown pulled on her face as she weighed her options and her hands tightened on the broken Tusken Cycler.

Time for a weapon change

Golden eyes flashed with the sunsets bright colors and the Half-Ryn’s set resolution. She dragged her right foot across the dusty ground, circling around to chuck the slugthrower halves at the Warrior. The make-shift projectiles sailed past him, yet successfully pressured the Kaleesh to pause. Continuing with her momentum, Zujenia reached back and grabbed the electrostaff that was slung across her torso. Returning to the comforting hold of her favored stance, the polearm’s ends crackled to life— purple hues clashing against Shili’s red light.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 9 August, 2016 3:02 AM UTC

Her throat tightened as an overwhelming flow of emotions washed over her; despair, anger, surprise.

colon needed here, not a semi

The Tuskan Cycler had been passed down to the Half-Ryn from her full-blooded mother, even now the memories of countless training exercises flashed through her mind and faded as fast as the cooling saber-burnt lines.

:(

Her once and rare bubbly display vanquished, leaving behind it a raging windstorm.

Slightly awkward wordage here, but I like the way you shift the tone from how Skar wrote her in the opening.

Zujenia’s nerves screamed in warning from the Force, she dived backwards.

...Force. She dove backwards to avoid it. Your tense is off when you use the comma here. Breaks up the flow of your combat writing.

The Kaleesh’s might was worrisome, another blow like that and she would be curled up on the ground or worse, missing a limb.

Slow down a bit. Pace your combat/Zuji's thought process. If you read this out loud, you'll find your own words kind of tripping over one another as they all try to make the image in your head come to life on paper. You're very good at descriptions, but just need to discipline yourself a bit with time and practice with syntax flow. :)

Continuing with her momentum, Zujenia reached back and grabbed the electrostaff that was slung across her torso.

The strap would be across her torso...not the weapon. That would be..kinda odd/hard to fight if it was in front of her ;P

Glaring at the woman in front of him Rrogons grip on his lightsaber tightened ever so slightly. The tension between the two combatants was growing by the second. “Come on then Zujenia show me what the second in command for Shadowgate can do!” taunted the Kaleesh as he lowered himself into his own combat form he had developed.

Aggravation flickered across the half-Ryns face as she charged forward electrostaff spinning in a wild arc as she closed the distance between herself and the Templar. Springing forward the Kaleesh met the attack head on his golden blade clashing against the vibrant purple light of staff.

The Gatesteward turned the strike aside as she continued with her momentum in a flurry of attack that turned her one weapon into many the liquid like grace she had behind her technique was stunning making the cuts, jabs, slashes of the staff seem like an almost living thing.

But the woman would find no even ground in this fight as she pressed forward the iron will of the Kaleesh before her was only growing more apparent, every one of her attacks was met and countered in such stunning surety that there seemed no flaw to the Templars defenses.

Zujenia met her subordinates eyes once more her dark ambers eyes gazing into those deep crimson. It was like staring into the heart of a forge ever present, unwavering but there was something else there as well. Was it pity? She thought to herself. But before she could think further on this her mind snapped back into the fight as she thrust her hand forward right into the gut of the larger Sith in an attempt to throw him back with a telekinetic strike.

Rrogon was taken back by surprise as the smaller half-Ryn slammed her hand into his stomach however it gave him enough time to react and call out to the Force to harden his body against the telekinetic strike that hit him a second later. Skar was surprised at how weak it was but at the same time, he needed to remind himself that the woman in front of him was only elevated to the rank of Knight a few weeks ago.

She didn't have the combat experience like he did. She didn't have his years of expertise in the arena or on the front lines of the last Crusades like the rest of them had. She was still new and untested but yet she still agreed to come on this mission knowing full well that the Kaleesh could very well kill her right now if he wanted to.

A small flicker of respect ignited in Skar as he looked down at the woman before him before it was replaced by the cold Juggernauts drive once more. Curling his fist, Rrogon drove it straight into the younger woman's sternum lifting her clean off her feet before she was sent back flying by the Templars own telekinetic strike.

Crashing to the ground several feet away the Half-Human struggled to rise to her feet as she tried to regain the air that had been driven from her lungs by the powerful Kaleesh. As she tried to breathe fire coursed through her chest immediately telling her that something had broken in the exchange though she did not know exactly what yet.

Footfall next to her head made the woman open her eyes and gaze up at the Kaleesh who had made his way over to her. “This training session is over. I'm taking you back to Selen where we both are needed.” Said the Kaleesh as he bent down to scope the younger woman in his arms.

She gave a curse of protest as the movement caused the pain to flare up once more in her chest, and has she did the Templars movements became more gentle and caring as he carried her back to the extraction point and the shuttle that would take them back to Arcona controlled space.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 9 August, 2016 3:13 AM UTC

Aggravation flickered across the half-Ryns face as she charged forward electrostaff spinning in a wild arc as she closed the distance between herself and the Templar.

forward [,] electrostaff

vibrant purple light of staff.

awkward wording

The Gatesteward turned the strike aside as she continued with her momentum in a flurry of attack that turned her one weapon into many the liquid like grace she had behind her technique was stunning making the cuts, jabs, slashes of the staff seem like an almost living thing.

syntax errors.

Was it pity? She thought to herself.

you bolded it here, should be italics. Always preview to check your formatting.

Rrogon was taken back by surprise as the smaller half-Ryn slammed her hand into his stomach however it gave him enough time to react and call out to the Force to harden his body against the telekinetic strike that hit him a second later

YAY SOMEONE WROTE IRON SKIN FEAT. WALLY HAPPY!

“I’m impressed, the Consul taught you well.” Skar’s baritone voice rumbled, his eyes still watchful, narrowed slits.

“The Shadow Lady didn’t teach me any of that!” Zujenia snapped, a low growl under her words. “My mother taught me since I was little and you...you...Rrr!”

The ticking in her eyebrow alerted her to how worked up she had become. The Half-Ryn knew that if she wished to best Rrogan, she would need to gather a hold of her emotions. Yet, she didn’t want to. Maybe it was her own annoyance of being sent away from the home front finally manifested at the surface, her earlier attitude covering it up while they traveled. Perhaps the destruction of her only family heirloom was the cause. Zujenia didn’t care, she sunk lower into her wrath and let it’s fire lick her skin.

White hair ablaze from the setting sun, the Knight rushed forward and aimed the electrostaff towards the Kaleesh’s legs. True to form, Skar moved to counter the blow with his lightsaber, opting out of retreating. A hollar escaped her throat as she drived the end down into the ground, vaulting herself forward—planting a kick fueled by her momentum and weight directly to his chest. The Warrior grunted heavily as the wind was knocked out of him, staggering back a couple steps. Zujenia followed through with a snapping reversal of her arms and hurled the electrically charged end at him. Rrogon huffed and regained his balance, driving his yellow blade into her strike—wrenching her arms to the side with his shear strength. He returned with a chain of blows, each rotated away by the Half-Ryn, the extra leverage of the staff aiding in combating the power behind them.

An opportunistic swing of Zujenia’s staff was met once again by the Kaleesh’s lightsaber. Locked together, the pair connected gazes through the purple and yellow sparks—amber eyes onto crimson ones half-hidden behind a mask. Within his pupil, she could see her reflection, an intense and dirt covered face. Something changed in the mirror of his eye, the figure within turning stark white and moving towards her. A gasp escaped the Half-Ryn as the back of her neck hair rose in fear. The feeling of hands grasped her legs and arms, stilling them and pulling them away from her control. Her heart pounded rapidly with blood beating behind her ears, tears rolling down her face.

I...I can’t fight him, he’s too powerful...I’m going to die.

Skar’s eyes narrowed again as he maintained the eye contact, pushing even harder upon her weapon. Zujenia could feel herself giving in to the pressure and—despite the small voice yelling for her to snap out of it—she sunk lower to the ground. Muscles quaking, the Knight dropped onto her right knee. The Force roared through her fear-stricken state, urging her to move. Yet, her limbs would not respond and she watched as the cylindrical hilt of Rrogan’s lightsaber drove down towards her temple.

Blackness

The Kaleesh sighed in exasperation and affixed his gaze on the crumbled Half-Ryn beneath his feet. A sharp and scratching howl sounded in the distance, sending Skar swiveling—searching for danger. When apparently assured there was none, he stooped down and scooped up the Gate Stewardess, swinging her over his shoulder with a huff. The Warrior continued towards the tree and set up camp. He laid Zujenia gingerly near the small fire before leaning against the bark of the crimson-leaved tree.

“Your emotions will get the best of you, Zuj.” He muttered one last bit advice as if the unconscious Knight could hear it.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 9 August, 2016 3:25 AM UTC

“The Shadow Lady didn’t teach me any of that!” Zujenia snapped, a low growl under her words. “My mother taught me since I was little and you...you...Rrr!”

She's so kawaii when she gets too mad to words. ^_^

Zujenia didn’t care, she sunk lower into her wrath and let it’s fire lick her skin.

so she*

The Warrior grunted heavily as the wind was knocked out of him, staggering back a couple steps.

This would have been a good place to make use of Skar's Iron Skin II. He's able to shrug off a direct hit like this.