House Qel-Droma
Aedile report #6
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Hail!
If you get it in two copies it's alright, if in one only, means you're not a member of Clan e-group, ma dear krathings. That cannot be :P In that case, send email at: arcona-subscribe@yahoogroups.com and it will add you automatically. If you didn't get it at all means you've got a problem. :P
I hope everyone reads QD homepage and news posted there, and you all know that I'm on semi-leave. If you don't know then don't speak up cause it will cost ya a demotion :P Kidding :P Just go and read what I wrote. Thanks :P
The report wouldnt be complete without some humor corner :P This one below is funny, maybe the funniest thing I have ever put into my report, but there's a lot of swearing so people with weak heart please just skip it :P Also those underage ones. :P
STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT!!!
FADE IN:
INT. SPACESHIP
LIAM NEESON
It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
EVIL ALIEN
Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.
INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI
A droid enters.
LIAM NEESON
I sense a disturbance in the force.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, shit.
Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to destroy the CGI. They run outside.
EXT. NABOO
They run until they smack into some more CGI.
JAR JAR
Who might you be?
LIAM NEESON
(staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him) I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland.
JAR JAR
I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I have come.
Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't selling well enough.
JAR JAR
Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon, okeyday?
EWAN MCGREGOR
(staring at something right above Jar Jar) Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to attend to.
JAR JAR
Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.
AUDIENCE
Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble.
EVIL ALIEN
I'm so sorry, Amidala.
NATALIE PORTMAN
No, no, I'm Padme now.
EVIL ALIEN
I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen.
NATALIE PORTMAN
No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don't help you figure this out.
EVIL ALIEN
Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just capture everyone!
LIAM and EWAN and, fuck, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine.
INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE
JAKE LLOYD
Hi there! Golly I'm cute.
NATALIE PORTMAN
You certainly are, little boy.
JAKE LLOYD
I'm the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna bone you in episode two?
LIAM NEESON
Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free you.
JAKE'S MOM
No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt. (pause)
Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.
They pod race. It looks really COOL.
GEORGE LUCAS
(attempting subtlety)
Oh! Look! There's a video game of this scene... uh.. buy it!
Hey, I had to sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to include a part that could be turned into a game, so buy it or I'll do it even more in episode 2.
JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO.
AUDIENCE
He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy?
GEORGE LUCAS
Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass?
They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.
INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL
LIAM NEESON
I want to train this boy.
YODA
Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems.
Vague my worries are.
LIAM NEESON
Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm training him.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with yo, bitchass? I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin movies, you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber.
LIAM NEESON
I'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there.
He exits.
INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING
IAN MCDIARMID
Damn I'm evil.
Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER-CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.
EXT. NABOO
NATALIE PORTMAN
I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can capture this one guy.
BOSS NASS
One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make this whole thing kinda pointless?
NATALIE PORTMAN
No more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with annoying creatures.
They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?
Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.
Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we
really don't care.
Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't
care except we want the Gungans to die.
Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space-battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit.
INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS
MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.
AUDIENCE
Whoa! This is really cool!
Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one.
DARTH MAUL
(menacing as hell) Grrr.
Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto
something on the side and holds on for dear life.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question you could kick pretty much anyone's ass.
DARTH MAUL
Muahahahaha.
Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.
EXT. SPACE
JAKE LLOYD
Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm so cute.
JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT.
JAKE LLOYD (cont'd)
Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo!
They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident.
EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO
The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues.
AUDIENCE
Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really significant! Hooray!
Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created
GEORGE LUCAS
Three years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I
work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due to my
disgust with Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy some Star Wars toys!
END
News !
W00t! Again I managed to write my report before Jimmy :P
I want to welcome new members of Qel-Droma. Lokii and Krona who arrived to our Clan just in this week! Well, I hope you like in here, in case of any questions, problems, troubles, bar fights, needed support, broken lightsaber, anything, just let me know and I will help. :P
My dear Entar brother, Karan, decided to step down as TET of Prophecy phyle. Thank you Karan for youe excellent service, work and activity as Tetrarch. I'm glad you stay with us, and don't go to rogue. Here's your home ma brotha! you can't leave!! glues Karan to chair Anyways, Karan recommended Strategos as new TET, and we accepted him, Strat is active, spams MBs, keeps in touch with ppl, he was bron for this job, so. grats mate :P
Mmmmm mmmm medals!!!! Yeah few of them. :P First, congratulations to Bograt, who took 2nd place in Krath Monthly topic for his fiction, and his award Crescent with Amethyst Star. Congrats to strat again on CF, for participation and victory in Interclub Training Competition. And a little shining thing also came into my hands, for taking 3rd place in Krath Monthly Topic. does a small bow :P
Promotions!! For the 3rd time today I have to shake Strat's hand with congratulations :P Yeah he finally made it and became a Jedi Hunter!!! Grats :) And grats to my dear sister Xuthen, new Entar dynasty member, for her promotion to the rank of Protector!!! :)
Competitions !
"Arcona Team Song"
The deadline: monday (9th of June)
more info: http://www.chaoslogic.com/db/message_board/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=352
"New Home, New Beginning"
No one said it's ended so why not keep sending submissions ? :P
more info: http://independence.starfleetacademy.net/games.html
"Independence Games - Dark Jedi Olympiad"
the deadline is june the 7th so hurry up!!!!!!
more info: http://independence.starfleetacademy.net/games.html
Roster !
Pontifex Gilkane [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Pontifex Khobai Wrathraven [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Epis Anshar Kahn [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Epis D'hak [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Archpriest Frost [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
ArchPriest JaM3z Lucius Entar [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Archpriestess Tissaya Luna Entar [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Archpriest Trent Sterling [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Krath Priestess Khrysthalia Alyssa
Riftbane [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Dark Jedi Knight Arcturus Gadeskin Xyler [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Dark Jedi Knight Karan Callidus Entar [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Dark Jedi Knight Krona [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Dark Jedi Knight Xizor [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Jedi Hunter Strategos [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Guardian CP [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Guardian Lokii [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Protector Derek Dewback [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Protector Kandos Katarn [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Protector Kris Omega [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Protector Xuthen [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Acolyte Bograt [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Acolyte Jandos Phyleus Kalinor [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Acolyte Ralf "Griffinlion" Liorkins [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Novice Haztix "W0kkity" Fenns Entar [Log in to view e-mail addresses]
Final word
[13:48] <khobai> dont forget to promote me Tiss
Krath Pontifex Khobai Wrathraven, please stand up. For buggin me on IRC and all of the stuff you have or you haven't done, for telling me to that I left my pen downstairs while I have injured leg, and reminding me about oranges knowing my allergie on that fruits, for being best friend, I herby promote you to the new and excepllent rank of Dark Side Adept!! Wear proud your new, lightsaber with double blade, and go kill all arcona's enemies. :P Congratulations!
(Happy now Khobs? :P)
With this touching moment I think it's time to end my report drys her eyes :P
<bow>
Krath Archpriestess Tissaya Luna Entar
Aedile of House Qel-Droma
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