HOUSE PRIMUS GOLUUD REPORT JUNE 11TH, 2004
<table border cols="1" width="100%" bgcolor="blue"> <tr> <td>INTRODUCTION</td> </tr> </table>
My passionate relationship with Jagermeister has yielded a long, well-documented history of excessive behavior, often resulting in inquisitor intervention and egregious bodily harm. Just in my brief three-week career as HPG quaestor, Ive been trampled by Mardi Gras floats, arrested at a gangbang, dropped acid at the Sat DC meeting, pissed in a phone booth during morning commuter traffic on Sepros Prime, fled the DB inquisitors, nearly shut down the Antei spaceport, been placed on numerous Terrorist Alert lists, kicked out of countless strip clubs and bars, assaulted French girls to see if their beret-toting boyfriends would try to stop me, and picked fights with hundreds of unwilling participants across the galaxy, most of whom could kick my pudgy, keyboard-jockeying ass.
And now, I am ashamed to announce the newest, sparkling jewel in my crown of utter sorriness: I fell into an Paraiso Ciudad canal. Twice.
Raistlin and Dessan had often bemused that during their time of revelry on Aeotheran, they had never once seen anyone fall into the canals, and for good reason: even the drunkest, drug-addled tourist brain can compute that swimming in a canal consisting primarily of the crap, piss, and random bodily fluids of centuries of Seprosians is not a particularly good way to stay bacteria-free.
Try telling that to the Jagermeister.
It all began innocently enough a boat cruise through the nearby city of Paraiso Ciudad, a dark jedi porn shoot, and a few drinks with my fellow PG compatriots nothing to foretell the gross stupidity that was to occur. But while pounding drinks at a bar in the Red Light district, I took it upon myself to challenge four separate people to a contest of livers. This debauchery went on for some time the exact damage is unknown, but judging by the calculations of the other participants, I knocked back roughly 17 shots in two hours and then, just to prove that I am indeed as dumb as the sky is blue, I lined up ten more shots of sweet mother Jager and felled them one after the other.
The rest of this story was cobbled together from the testimonies of witnesses, the damning photographic evidence, and, of course, the fecal smoothie crusted on my clothes, hair, teeth, and the bed in which I eventually passed out. Apparently, after consuming 27+ shots and enough beer to float an Irish canoe, I became rather hostile (Who woulda thunk it?) and proceeded to slap people in the face for no particular reason. Eventually, the fighting moved outside, and, for some still as-yet-undetermined reason, I went face first into the River of a Thousand Seprosians Turds. While dog paddling through the E. Coli, I vaguely recall thinking to myself, Well, Im going to die now. But how appropriate it is, that I should meet my maker by drowning in cold poo. But Allah still has plans for me and my jihad against good hygiene, as my fellow dark jedi valiantly towed me ashore, where an ambulance and inquisitors were eagerly waiting to meet me.
Now, being arrested for drunkenness on a planet where you can legally smoke a joint and snort cocaine off the breasts of 16 year-old Naboo hooker is no small task. You have to really put forth some effort to raise the ire of the local constabulary, but being pulled out of a canal only to give the inquisitors the globally recognized one-fingered gesture of love and shout F### the Inquisitors! before doing a reverse swan dive back into the canal is, for anyone looking to get arrested in Paraiso Ciudad, an ideal way to go about it. Luckily, Raistlin, a man whom I now love as much as any heterosexual man can love another within the boundaries of biblical law, talked the Inquisitors into letting me loose by promising that I would leave the city the next morning. Apparently, they were not amused by my impromptu Easy-E impression, and were quite anxious to take me on an extended tour of the planets correctional facility.
Not so anxious though, were the cab drivers Raist and others implored to drive my drunken, crap-soaked ass back to the hotel, but the one who did was well-compensated for his troubles as I discovered the next day, when my wallet with all my credit cards and about 1500 credits was missing. I cant say for sure that the cabbie stole it and that its not at the bottom of the canal, but in the condition I was in, he couldve robbed me and stuffed a lit cigarette up my ass and I wouldnt have noticed.
So I drifted into blissful unconsciousness in a pool of raw sewage, and Fred the Seal, my unfortunate roommate, detailed the rest of the story the next day: at some point I woke up and started pissing on the lamp; I repainted the bathroom with a thick layer of glowing vomit; oh, and my clothes are covered in crap. After Id finally showered and taken inventory of my marvelous new cuts, bruises, and peculiar rashes, we left the maid to clean up the aftermath. This, as it turns out, was another expensive mistake, because the hotel staff called a crime scene cleaning unit to swab up the multiple unexplained viscous fluids decorating our room, and, naturally, they passed the savings to me.
As of this writing, the financial damage is running at a brisk 200 per shot, but this will probably pale in comparison to the medical bills Ill incur when I learn that I contracted AIDS, tetanus, leprosy, all the letters of Hepatitis, and nine different strains of SARS during my dip in the excrement Jacuzzi. Ill be sure to keep all of you informed of any exciting new infections and malignant growths. Until then, be safe, kids - and steer clear of the Jagermeister.
<table border cols="1" width="100%" bgcolor="blue"> <tr> <td>REPORT SUMMARY</td> </tr> </table>
Great Jedi War
Dark Element Brigade
AED Training Night
Master/Student Program
House Website
AWOL check
Promos/Medals
<table border cols="1" width="100%" bgcolor="blue"> <tr> <td>WEEKLY NEWS</td> </tr> </table>
#001 - Great Jedi War
http://gjw.darkjedibrotherhood.com/
You have a couple of hours left for Chapter One. What are you doing reading your Quaestor's lame report? Submit something. :P
#002 - Dark Element Brigade
Due to the fact that I cannot contact him, DJK Avion Kolar has been removed from the SGT position of the Dark Element brigade.
Due to the fact that I do not see enough interest from the members of Primus Goluud in being in a brigade, I am temporarily closing the Dark Element. For those of you who were in the Dark Element (ie. Keiran,Miack,Orionel) you can simply join The Dark Renegade brigade by contacting myself and SGT Dessan ([Log in to view e-mail addresses]). And for those of you who are still not in a brigade (Bob gives a dirty look to Raist,Pheniox,Heather,Dark Revan,Janus,ChronosMaX,and foxtrot), you can do the same to join the Dark Renegade.
#003 - AED Training Night
Look for full details in the Aedile's report this week.
#004 - Master/Student Program
I am still looking for willing Masters and Students. Contact me if interested.
For those of you unaware of what this is: http://sadow.info/masters.htm
#005 - House Website
I still have alot of stuff to add and edit, but its a start.
#006 - AWOL check
Quite a few people still not taking the five seconds it takes to reply to their Quaestor. If you don't have the time to reply than I have the time to remove you from the house. You have been warned.
Below in the Roster section of my report if you notice your name is pink than I haven't received a response from you. So contact me or you will be removed from HPG.
#007 - Promos/Medals
No promotions this week. No medals this week. Blah!
<table border cols="1" width="100%" bgcolor="blue"> <tr> <td>THE USUAL SUPSECTS</td> </tr> </table>
SWM Bob
Did the voodoo that I do so well.
DJK Zacfer
Aedile duties.
IRC Activity.
Celestial Fury.
OE Raistlin Sadow
IRC Activity.
Posted on GJW run on.
OT Pheniox
No Activity.
OT Heather Bylien
No Activity.
DJK Lillie Hawk
No Activity.
DJK Keiran Bryce
IRC Activity.
DJK Avian Kolar
No Activity.
JH Vicious
No Activity.
JH Miackus Amducious
No Activity.
JH Orionel Jalace Bylien
No Activity.
JH Dessan
SGT duties. I know I'll see a report from the brigade this weekend. [/hint]
IRC Activity.
PRT Xayun
No Activity.
ACO Janus
No Activity.
APP ChronosMax
No Activity.
APP arid foxtrot
No Activity.
APP Bladerunner
No Activity.
House Mascot/Fred the Seal
Special Ops.
_NOTE: No Activity doesn't mean you didn't do a damn thing...It just means I just didn't see you do a damn thing :P
Also, if you don't tell me about it I can't report it._
<table border cols="1" width="100%" bgcolor="blue"> <tr> <td>CONCLUSION</td> </tr> </table>
Another week in Primus Goluud. A pretty quiet one at that, though its to be expected with the Great Jedi War going on. Chapter One is just about over, stay tuned for more stuff to do. Let's continue doing our part to help Clan Naga Sadow represent. Just a reminder to all HPGers, after you submit for an event in the GJW, if you could take a second to drop me a line and let me know what event you participated in it would be very much appreciated.
I have been working on quite a few little things for the house, so after the GJW hopefully we will have the deadweight cleared out and we can get down to business in making House Primus Goluud what we all want it to be; fun.
That is all!
SWM Robert Daragon(Sith)/QUA/Primus Goluud of Naga Sadow
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