SAPPHIRE SQUADRON REPORT MARCH 11TH, 2005

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<table border cols="1" width="100%" bgcolor="blue"> <tr> <td>INTRODUCTION</td> </tr> </table>

At 2:32am this morning Steve the baboon expired.

Joy was in my heart and pep in my step at 5:01pm this afternoon when the tug from the Antei zoo arrived with this evenings guest of honor. I'd spend the next few hours familiarizing Steve with the Sadow Palace and fitting him with his costume for the evening. The theme for the party was the 80's cartoon "G. I. Joe". To say that Steve made a stunning Cobra Commander would hardly do his visage justice. His evilness shown through and was enough to make the surliest Destro proud.

The women, booze, hallucinogenic drugs, weapons and music all arrived by 9:00pm and the party was in full swing. The trouble started around 11:30pm. I was enjoying some stimulating conversation with "Topaz", one of the many strippers present, when Loopus, (dressed as "Scarlet" complete with ruby locks and a crossbow strapped to his back), came running from the kitchen informing me an issue had arisen that required my immediate attention. Loopus led me to the bathroom where I was shocked to find Steve laying on his side with a half empty bottle of Absinthe in his hand, his breathing labored. Panic shot through my body. "All right, lets give him some room!" I shouted, rolling Steve onto his back. He struggled to open his eyes and when he finally recognized me he raised his weak hand and pressed his index finger and thumb to his lips as if smoking a joint. He then leapt from the floor screaming and shouting, bouncing all around the bathroom. The rest of the partygoers, who'd filled the room behind me, erupted in laughter. Enraged, I chased Steve around the office shouting "No monkey is going to "cry wolf" on me!". When I finally cornered his simian hide I wrapped my hands around his throat and began to squeeze. The combined strength of Loopus, Macron and Muz Ashen could not relieve Steve from my grasp and I felt him wheeze his last breath. Things got worse when the Chamber of Justice kicked the door down. The sight of my fellow dark jedi and I dressed as cartoon characters wrestling, me with a dead monkey in my grip, must've been too much for the inquisitors to handle as they burst into uncontrollable laughter. Their laughter came to a screeching halt when they caught the strong scent of marijuana in the air.

We were handcuffed and thrown to the floor while animal services performed CPR on Steve's lifeless body in the corner. The strippers had left, the booze had all been drunk, the inquisitors didn't find any drugs as what hadn't been used had suddenly disappeared and Scarlet-Loopus was suspiciously chewing on something crazily. When the guy from animal services informed us that Steve died of natural causes, having suffered an aneurysm, the inquisitors let us off with a warning.

So here I am. The palace is a mess. I've no alcohol, no drugs, no strippers and I couldn't even choke my monkey to death. To top it all off I didn't even get any, as the very moment I had "Topaz" in my greasy clutches, a lower life-form with a head full of drugs decided to play a prank on me in the mensroom. Angry as I was, though, I do already miss him. Steve, we hardly knew thee. Today, please, in your daily walk, take a moment to remember Steve. Though he died in my grasp, he certainly was good for a couple of laughs.

So the fire is out. The inquisitors are now gone (I'd like to say thank you to Special Agents Fritz and Schpank for their understanding of my predicament.). All livestock has been returned to their proper owners. I've even managed to replace all the damaged computers and personal items that were lost in the explosion. My weekly report is due and this morning I woke up in a tree outside Sadow Palace wearing a grass skirt, a fedora, and three swatch watches on each arm.

I quickly crawled back to the palace. I was pleased to see that the instructions I'd left for myself scrawled on the hangar wall in lipstick (?) had been not been erased by this mornings cleaning crew and I quickly got to work at replacing the aforementioned items. I'm not quite sure where I went wrong. All I wanted to do was make an enjoyable party for my members and in true HLK fashion. Alas, it was all for naught. I'm still experiencing hallucinations along with the occasional flashback to the even more terrifying thought of what Malik and Goat do all by themselves at Sadow Place. The individual keys on my keyboard have started floating around my desk making it impossible to type legibly and I could sware the "start" button on my desktop is making "kissy" faces at me.

I'm already panic stricken and most likely will not be able to sleep a wink tonight. What if I miscounted the turtles that had to be returned and we now have a live terrapin roaming free in the tactical room? What if eveyones TIE collapses the moment they are touched? Even worse, what if all the drugs weren't used and the sugar canister still contains a months worth of psychodelic hee-hawin'? I guess the truth will come out in the morning when our proconsul brews his morning pot of coffee. If, by noon, he's climbing the walls claiming to be the physical embodiment of the spirit of Hannibal the Conquerer, I'll know that I failed once again.

<table border cols="1" width="100%" bgcolor="blue"> <tr> <td>REPORT SUMMARY</td> </tr> </table>

• Quaestor Resigns

• Special Ops

• Master/Student Program

• Coming and Going

• Promotions and Awards

<table border cols="1" width="100%" bgcolor="blue"> <tr> <td>FRESSH NEWS</td> </tr> </table>

#001 - Quaestor Resigns

Our esteemed leader has decided to step down from the house summit. Cocunut Monkey will be in charge until a replacement is found.

I have applied for the open position, below is a copy of my application letter:

_Dear Sir or Goat:

I am applying for Quaestor position in HLK. I believe I am the best person for this job because I am better than everyone else. I am even better than you, but since your job isn't open, I can't apply for it. I can only slander you and hope that someone removes your sorry-ass sometime soon. But, that's going off topic. HLK Quaestor should be mine because I'm applying for it. I am the best. Give the job to me, you wanker.

Sincerely, Bob_

How can I lose with that. ;)

#002 - Special Ops

With the recent news from the Summit I have put this mission on hold. It is a very important task that will be addressed in the future.

#003 - Master/Student Program

Warlord Sir Lenzar Demonis Entar has been named the Rollmaster of Clan Naga Sadow and his first task is the Master/Student Program.

For now, he needs:

• All members below DJK with a current master to e-mail him ([Log in to view e-mail addresses]) with who their master is.

• All members above DJK with one or more apprentices to e-mail him with who their apprentice(s) are.

• Anyone wishing to be an apprentice (JH and below) or master (DJK and above) to e-mail him, stating that they wish to take on an apprentice/become a master.

I highly encourage younger members to take advantage of this program.

#004 - Coming and Going

Lets Start with Coming:

None.

And now Going:

None.

#005 - Awards and Promotions

Lets Start with Medals:

None.

And now Promotions:

Protector Qiw Nuron

<table border cols="1" width="100%" bgcolor="blue"> <tr> <td>THE USUAL SUPSECTS</td> </tr> </table>

CMDR/SWM Bob

Can't Remember.

FM/PRT Fur D'orin

No Activity.

FM/PRT Qiw Nuron

Email Activity.

Joined Master/Student Program.

Completed Sith Flight Studies I course.

Completed Sith Flight Studies II course.

Completed Dark Jedi Meditation course.

Created Sith Fighter graphic.

FM/Open Position

FL/GRD Macron Goura

IRC Activity.

Posted on DB Message Board.

Submitted to Sadow Chronicles II.

Submitted to Dark Voice.

Competing in ACC match.

FM/GRD Akile Draccor

No Activity.

FM/SW Karimicus

IRC Activity.

FM/ACO Fredrik_H

No Activity.

FL/Open Position

FM/OT Pheniox

IRC Activity.

FM/NOV shadowslay

No Activity.

FM/Open Position

Squadron Mascot/Fred the Seal

Missing in Action.

_NOTE: No Activity doesn't mean you didn't do a damn thing...It just means I just didn't see you do a damn thing :P

Also, if you don't tell me about it I can't report it._

<table border cols="1" width="100%" bgcolor="blue"> <tr> <td>CONCLUSION</td> </tr> </table>

Sapphire Squadron "Escort" Service Open for Business

Being the all-round do-gooders of House Ludo Kreshh, Sapphire tries it's very best to please. We offer a wide range of services to satisfy your every whim and desire!

Escort Services - They don't call us The Escort Squadron for nothing...for the smallest of fees, any member of Sapphire is willing to accompany you during those embarrassing "oh crap I haven't got a girlfriend" situations. Despite our obvious lack of female members, us male members are more than ready to put on a blonde wig, leather skirt and crotchless panties (not supplied)...if it weren't for the stubble you'd be hard-pressed to tell us from the real thing!

Grooming Services - Obviously our job is to make sure that we have our heard firmly inserted as far up our commanding officer as is humanly possible, and we will go to any length to ensure we're always in the goodbooks. We'll clean, polish, buff and shine anything from your smelly shoes to your soiled underwear...and the great thing is we'll always have a smile on our face.

Discipline Services - Sapphire believes in adhering to the traditional iron-fist Imperial way of authority. If you are having trouble with a fellow member, then just send him round to Sapphire, and Commander Robert Daragon will be more than pleased to discipline said pilot accordingly. From past experiences we would suggest that you bring along some sort of friction burn cream, as well as bandages and anti-septic lotion. Bob does certainly enjoy discipline.

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That is all!

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SWM Robert Daragon(Sith)/CMDR/Ludo Kressh of Naga Sadow